Realization - I can't manipulate like I used to

Posted on Fetlife

I have spent a majority of my adult life trying to get women to dominate me sexually.  I have had mild temporary successes, but after some time things go awry.  If I wasn’t getting dominated, I would retreat, and when I retreated, my partners would try to use D/s as a tool to get me back into the relationship.  It would work, but because the dynamic was manipulated, it was temporary.  Eventually it became a downward spiral to where nothing worked.  On the way down there would be attempts to bring D/s back into the relationship, but it was always temporary and eventually failed

My current partner won’t put up with my withdrawal.  If I withdraw, she calls me out on it.  She doesn’t allow me to manipulate D/s out of her.  She then puts verbal pressure on me to be a partner in the relationship and tells me the only way I will get what she wants is to give her what she wants.  I am stubborn by nature, however my need for kink always draws me back in.  By her not allowing me to withdraw and let our relationship spiral out of control, she waits for me to come back and express my needs.  When I do she tells me I can have whatever I want, I just need to do the few little things that make her happy.  She’s right.  It’s easier to do what she wants and in turn I get my needs met.  I wish my brain could connect those 2 when I am not feeling submissive and not let me screw things up.  I’m very fortunate to have found someone that can push through my BS.

Reawakening

For my birthday, MBB tied me up and used me well.  It felt insanely good to be restrained and vulnerable.  For too long now I haven't been made to feel helpless and vulnerable.  I think not being vulnerable more often allows me to revert back to being a "macho" asshole.  Now MBB didn't really hurt me at all on my birthday, but she certainly could have if she wanted to.  Knowing that in the back of my mind caused me to realize how far I have strayed away from D/s over the last few months and how important it is to me.

Now I have a hard time being "submissive" a lot of the time.  I'm not a submissive person by nature or do I have any desire to "serve", but I am such a sexual submissive that my kinks can certainly be directed in such a manner as to make me submissive in ways that I am not naturally.  Being tied up, hurt, made to dress up, humiliated, mind fucked, ass fucked, all those things seem to do something to realign my well being.  From just what we did on Wednesday night, has me engaged again.  It makes me want to be close, to please, to make life easier for my Mistress.  It also has my mind running wild with naughty thoughts and possibilities.

I have had such a long time in my life where I have not had a partner that could get into dominating me.  I keep forgetting that I have a partner now that does enjoy dominating me and who could really get into making me her "bitch".  I find myself reverting to old ways and there is no reason for me to do so.  I need to remember if I do things to please my Mistress, she will make sure to reward me by ruling over me and doing unspeakable things to me.

I guess this post it to let her know how giddy I feel inside about having my partner, lover, best friend and Mistress back.  It's also to let her know I have punishments to pay and am open to whatever they may be.

What I have learned...

Over the last few months, but particularly in the last month, I have figured out a lot about myself.  1st thing is I am not a submissive. That doesn't mean I'm not submissive whatsoever.  It means I go through submissive periods.  These periods can be long, intense and extreme.  They can also be short and lighthearted.  The more intense periods I almost liken it to going on a bender.  I am all about it, I will do anything to get my fix and can go for days or weeks.  Other times, it's just fun for the time.  All of this makes it hard on me and certainly hard on my current partner and partners in the past.  This lifestyle almost requires labels.  While I have labeled myself a submissive for the most part, I would now label myself as a submissive/bottom/switch/do me submissive, depending on my mood or life circumstances.  So what does this all mean?

Obviously D/s is a big part of who I am.  I feel D/s should be about 99% of my sex life, but that isn't necessarily practical.  In my mind if I was a dominant or switching but in a dominant role, I would be more inclined to initiate sex, but it would be D/s as well.  Since D/s is important to me, but 24/7 is impossible I am trying to figure a way to make it all work.  Some ideas that have come to mind is that I wear my collar when I am open to being ordered around and following rules.  However I imagine that if I were to put in the collar that it would be of the mindset that I would agree to wear it for a certain amount of time and do whatever I was told to do without limits.  Maybe a few days or a week or a month.  Maybe you would say, don't put on your collar until you are ready to commit to a month or I would like to own you for an entire weekend, will you put on your collar?  I am just throwing out ideas here and am open to any suggestions.  Of course, any time you want to tie me up, I am game.  There doesn't have to be a collar, or protocol or anything elaborate, we could do it just for fun.  I would also agree to rules such as telling you when I am approaching orgasm, whenever you did have me tied up.  I guess what all of this is about is tying to find a win/win without all the BS my flakiness introduces.  Lastly, some of the things I have been thinking about this week.

Sophia as well as being femme when working from home.
Subtle femme stuff in public
temp tattoo
dungeon time
cum play
being outed in some way

I love you and appreciate you always trying to make this work.

Weekly Post

This post is late.  There is not a lot to post and I have been busier than normal, but that is no excuse.  Last week found me tied up a couple times and it was awesome.  There was also a teasing session without any bondage in which I was very drunk.  Between horniness and drunkenness I was letting my mouth run about how much I had been fantasizing about being forced to eat my own cum, and some additional  fantasies about some feminization.

Today I find myself in chastity due to not doing what I agreed to do.  This blog post is one item.  I had to go back through the list and noticed that toe nail polish was on the list.  In my mind that was a verbal request from last week, and not written.  I don;t know how I missed that.

Other than that there is not a lot more for me to report at this time.

Tuesday Feb 28th

Here are some reflections on the last week.

Not being able to say no.  There is something very freeing about not having choices.  It removes any internal conflict about whether I want to do something or not.  Also adding the mindset that if in doubt do the thing that leans toward the submissive option takes away the ability to manipulate an unclear decision.  It does feel a little topping from the bottom, but I guess that's better than not bottoming at all and acting like a top.

Chastity.  I hate it, but when it's active denial like it is right now, it's pretty hot.  Also knowing I don't have a choice, and I have agreed not to pout makes it easier to succumb to it.  Although I truly believe I can be chaste without a device, chastity certainly takes away any temptation especially with how worked up I am with my new masturbation schedule.  My new chastity underwear also make it much more comfy than panties with no room for a cock let alone a large device.  Thank you for getting me them.

Punishment.  We have been through a few things in the last month or so that have created tension and uncertainty.  I think we have done a good job of talking things through and working things out, but sometimes it feels unfinished.  There is a certain catharsis that happens when I have to endure something (it doesn't have to be pain per se, but anything that punishes me), especially when it's due to me messing something up or not taking your feelings into consideration.  I feel like it hits the reset button and restores a hierarchy in our relationship.  If you don't feel the same way, I get that too and don't want you to take that as me being pushy.

Masturbation schedule.  I kind of thought it was a little silly, but I see the wisdom in it.  It's very effective at keeping me in a mood and not feeling neglected especially with me in chastity.  All of the benefits of teasing and denial without it taking any effort on your part.  Genius.  So far only one spill (no orgasm) so I am learning to not go too far.  

Overall.  We are one week into this and so far I can see it working long term.  It's a bumpy start, but as we get used to it, I think it will become easier.  I hope you are seeing the benefits as well.  


  

Friday Feb 24th

This morning marked the first day of my masturbation schedule.  I have to admit, I was so worked up over the last several days that I was ready to cum after about 2 minutes.  At the 14 minute mark I got close to the edge, and stopped.  About 10 seconds after I stopped a large amount of cum boiled out of the top of my cock.  I didn't have an orgasm, but I sure did cum a lot.  Once the oozing stopped I continued to stroke for 6 additional minutes, and then locked myself back up.  In my mind, I think I can stop myself sooner than when Mistress is doing it.  When Mistress edges me, I have her stop a stroke or two sooner than I would myself as I think she won't stop in time.  Next time I do this I won't bring myself to the edge.  Instead of trying for edges that are 8-9 on a scale of 1-10, I will try for 6,7 and the occasional 8.  I think that will more than keep me more than  aroused, but without the risk of releasing any cum.

Today was also the first day of preparing my Mistress' food.  I like serving her in ways she asks me to.

Today MBB asked me to do her a favor. She asked me to vacuum.  While it was a request from my girlfriend and not an order from my Mistress, it's still hot to be of service to her.  

Thursday Feb 29th

This morning was a snow day.  MBB let me out of chastity, and I wasn't required allowed to masturbate.  The rest of the day was uneventful other than my being horny all day.  MBB was very kind and allowed me to not be in chastity overnight if I agreed to go in after my morning masturbation schedule.  Since I agreed to not say no regardless, this was easy to agree to.  I still have to wear a nighty every night so that still keeps me in a frame of mind.

Wednesday Feb 22nd

MBB has agreed to my offer of me promising to not say no to her for 30 days.  She has revised what she expects of me, but not much.  The only real changes are I do not have to wear women's clothes every day, I am to be on a masturbation schedule, and I have to prepare her food for her work day.

That night I found myself tied to the bed and teased relentlessly by her hands and pussy.  A week of not cumming as well as me mentally preparing myself to be owned, got me going quickly (as well as my mouth running).  After MBB was done using me she untied me and I went right back into chastity.  I didn't sleep well, but that's to be expected after not being conditioned to it like I used to be.

A Proposal

This morning I was thinking of what I was going to write about when you asked me to go ahead and list what has been going through my mind.  While I thought of lots of things you could do to me, it was missing something. Add that to what we have been recently going through, it dawned on me, and thus this proposal.

Obviously when we first me you knew little about D/s let alone that you thought you were submissive.  For the last year and a half, you have learned a lot, you have seen what you like and what you don't like.  You have also seen me on my best behavior and my worst.  We also both realize that 24/7 is a better dynamic for us than anything else.  On Monday when you talked about moving out, and I thought about what that would look like I came to a realization.  You most likely would look for a partner that would be submissive to you.  I certainly would be looking for one that would be dominant to me.  It's also likely that if I did find a new dominant partner, that I wouldn't be able to pick and choose the things I wanted in this type of a relationship.  If I tried to manipulate things to fit what I wanted, I would either be punished severely or I would be kicked to the curb.  If you found a submissive partner and he (or she) tried to twist the relationship to their needs instead of yours, you wouldn't tolerate it for long. I'm starting to realize that when I try to make our relationship fit into what I think is right for me, I keep losing the one thing that is what I yearn for deep down.  That is not being in control.  By acting the way I do, I get things I want short term, but at the expense of long term happiness.  I'm realizing I am responsible for my own unhappiness.  By trying to get you to do what I want instead of what you want, I am sabotaging us.

So here is what I am proposing...  A trial of a minimum of 30 days and a maximum of 60 days (you choose), I will promise to not say no, or to act in a manner that would indicate that I wish I could say no to you.  I would like for you to think if we had just met and we didn't have my baggage, what would you require of me.  If that is hard, think if we didn't work out and you found a new submissive partner and you could train them the way you wanted, how would that look?  If you actually did move into the other room, and I begged you to come back, what would you require of me?  In your minds eye, what is YOUR ideal lifestyle for MBB and me?  Think about what you would like and I will do it without attitude.  Some things to consider...
Would your new slave wake up with you or even wake you?  Would he be required to help you in the mornings?  Would he have chores to do?  Would you have any protocols?  Opening all doors?  Chastity?  Other Fetish Items?  Bruises or other markings?  Preparing myself for you?  Sexual servitude? Feminization?  Foot massages? Kneeling?  Sleeping on the floor?  Journal? Maintenance punishment? Calling out to me for trivial things? How much or how little D/s do YOU want?  Imagine how you would have it and I will do it.

What this will do for me is to take my wants and needs out of the equation.  It will allow me to see what happens if I truly give myself up to another.  While I suspect there will be things I won't like, I would like to think it will make me stronger as a person, a partner and a submissive.  It will allow me to see that by doing things I don't think I want may actually be want I am needing.  In the past when I have had to do things I didn't want to do, they have been a good experience long term even though I hated it short term.  It's usually a source of arousal for me when I reflect back on it.

What I hope this will do for you, will be to get you back to where you are comfortable bossing me around.  Where you are aroused by the thought of me doing your bidding.  Where you are sexually and emotionally satisfied.  Where you can say to yourself that you own me and that I am your bitch.

If this doesn't interest you or you have concerns, please let me know.  I thought this was a better approach then me writing a list of what I want.  I love you very much and long for what we used to have in the D/s world.

 

Weekly Post.

It's weird posting right now with the recent drama we've had.  I have had a lot of stuff going through my head the last couple days but don't want to post them as I think they would come across as pushy.

Last night when you commented that the most sexually satisfied you have been with me is when we were as 24/7 as we could be.  I would have to agree with that sentiment as well and think the closer we can get to that dynamic the happier we will both be.  I'm ready and willing when you are.

Clarification on disobedience

Lately I have not been following some of the rules set forth by MBB.  The main one is the lack of dressing feminine while at home.  The reason for this is not that I don't want to do it, but without acknowledgement, and support of doing this I get very insecure.  I have internal battles about dressing and when I don't get the proverbial "pat on the head" I get self concious and feel stupid about doing it.  That's not to say I don't like being forced to dress.  I actually find the forced part of it to be pretty hot.  When I dress myself and do it without reminders or much comment, it feels like I am Domming myself and it doesn't feel forced or submissive.  It makes feels like I am a cross dresser or transvestite for myself and not a slave being forced to dress to please my Mistress.  It may not make a big difference to the outside, but in my brain the difference is huge.  I am writing this to express where my mind is and not to complain.  I really have nothing to complain about, but need to communicate what my male brain needs to consistently dress as my Mistress requires. 

I love you and love having you push my buttons.  I just need some afirmation as your slave. 

Weekly Post - Thoughts on submission, 24/7, and orgasm denial

Since we recently had been talking about orgasm denial and how it pertains to day to day relationship/sexuality I have been giving it a lot of thought.   I am ok without orgasm, but it's hard to get too excited about it without 1. knowing I will get to cum or 2. having no orgasm due to you flexing your dominance as part of our D/s relationship.  I obviously love to cum, which can either be vanilla or D/s, but I only love to be denied in a D/s context.  I am starting to think that was a problem for me in the past.  It comes across that I don't want sex when I really do, but exercising orgasm control while not engaging in D/s is incompatible to me.  Now that doesn't mean I need to be tied up for orgasm control, but I can't be the initiator of sex that ultimately will deny me (or at least I don't think I can).

That got me to thinking about other things.  For example, not blogging last week.  I think that is more due to us having so much going on that D/s is on the back burner.  If it's on the back burner and you aren't getting anything out of me doing the things you want me to do, I really don't want to do them.  Again, I am not saying I need to be tied up or even bossed around, but I at least to be acknowledged when I do as I am told or when I don't so as I'm told.  I don't wear panties, wear nighties, post my day or blog post for me, I do that for you as I believe it pleases you or at least seeing me do things that I don't want to do pleases you.

I want to be clear that I am not bitching in any way.  I love what we have and know that we both have things going on that make D/s less of a priority.  In fact I too have forgotten some things.  In that spirit, I am confessing my "sins" of the last week.
1.  I didn't blog post last week.
2.  I didn't email my plans on the 31st.
3.  I didn't wear a nighty all weekend although I packed one.
4.  Not being in femme clothes as much due to the need to change clothes so many times. 

Lastly, I have been fantasizing about the following things for the last few days...  Being dressed femme more (including under clothes). Being strapped into a corset for hours.  Being caged for hours.  Having my Sophia pics including face posted in places like fetlife or collar me.  Using the tattoo gel on me.  Cum play.  Wearing the straight jacket for long periods of time.  Vac Bed.  Sensory deprivation.  Forced dildo sucking and deep throating. 

I love you and the above email is just communication.  If you have any questions or concerns please let me know.   

          

Weekly Post

I wanted to start by saying how much fun I had on Thursday night.  I have a love hate relationship with Sophia.  I love her when she is all dressed up and getting attention.  Seeing her all sexed up and teetering on her heels makes me hot just thinking about it.  I hate having to get her ready and clean up after her though.

I also enjoyed getting crazy with lust.  Agreeing to do just about anything to cum.  Even better I like it when I can't move a muscle and an at MBB's mercy.  So very, very hot.  I also like how MB gets wet by making me beg and squirm. 

Today MBB picked out what I had to wear around the house.  I know it's a pain for her, so I really appreciate it when she does it.  It much hotter to not have a choice what to wear and makes me feel more like a slave. I am looking forward to MBB telling me to do more things that she knows I may not want to do or that are a little of my comfort zone.  The mind fuck is so hot.

We also need to make sure MBB is satisfied.  it's been awhile since we have taken care of her.  Maybe the fuckeng machine!?!

Found on the internets

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Weekly post - still no orgasm

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Weekly Post - Getting back to where we belong

The last week has been good about getting us back to a place I think we need to be.  I was expecting it to be harder to fall back into allowing myself to submit.  I do believe the fine system is what does it.  I would rather error on the side of following a direction too much instead of not far enough.

Even with our argument on Sunday night, there was no way I was going to get fined for not doing what I said I was going to do.  I knew us arguing was not going to be a valid excuse to not follow the rules.  This was also extremely difficult.  I was very hard to get up yesterday and get dressed femininely.  At the same time I really, really wanted to demonstrate that we could have arguments as a couple and not have it effect the dynamic we both want.  I think living together makes easier to hold me to a set of standards as I can't really run too far away.  It was also humbling to dress this way while trying to be "tough" about things.  I have defintely noticed how hard it is to to be "macho" when wearing pink or frilly things as well as obeying rules I don't want to obey at the time.  I guess that is the true definition of obeying, doing it when you really don't want to.

Besides our argument, I think things are going pretty good.  I expected some growing pains with us now living together, but I think things will work themselves out eventually.  This is also the longest I have gone without an orgasm since we met.  It was somewhere around the 23th-27th since I came.  I am extremely worked up and even was worked up Sunday night and all day Monday.  Even being in an argument doesn't take away the horniness, it just channles it to a darker place.  I think I am in a fairly pliable place mentally right now. 

I'm sorry to have focused on the argument so much.  It's the most recent thing we have had to go through this week so the most fresh in my mind.  I am looking forward to moving past this and deeper in my submission to you. 

Post session post

Last night's session carried over to this morning.  While I really, really wanted an orgasm last night, today I am so happy I didn't have one.  When I plugged myself this morning, it was so tight that it hurt just a tiny bit.  Between being denied, dressed, and plugged, I am actually sitting here in sub space and feeling a little buzzed.  I have such naughty thoughts going through my mind.  If we actually make it to Feb 14th without me having an orgasm, I can only imagine the things I will be thinking about doing.  While I have gone 60 days without cumming, there was maybe only 10 or so days of any teasing or other D/s activity.  I was very occupied with other things so it wasn't too hard on me.  Although we started back on our dynamic on the 1st, I think my last orgasm was around a week earlier, so I am coming up on 2 weeks denied so far and I am loving it.

I wasn't going to say it, but now I am.  When I went up and plugged myself, I tried my stuff from Ulta.  The mascara primer is actually white so it really wonk work for subtle public stuff, I will buy some clear mascara and possibly one a shade darker than clear (maybe the same color as my hair?).  The gloss is naughty.  I can't imagine wearing it willingly in public, but I could see you making me wear it just before we went into a restaraunt or bar.  When I place my order for mascara, I will add some tinted lip balm that is a little less glossy, but adds color.  I can just see glasses aroung the house with my lip color on them.  I also put the clear polish on one nail, and liked it so much I did them all.  It's shiny enough to make me self concious, but not so shiny that people will notice.  Even if they do, it's deniable as I can say its that cuticle oil.  I really had no intention of doing any of this, but I am in such a mood right now.   mmmmmmmmmmmmm

New Year, Restoring Old Dynamic

Even though I don;t have to post until Sunday, I thought I would do a "pre post" to communicate how I am feeling.

The email MBB sent me on Sunday was scary and hot at the same time.  I haven't posted since September 15th and for all practical purposes it's been 3 and a half months since we had led much of a Fem Dom relationship.  I was going to say it was 90% due to life circumstances, but in reality it's 100% due to that. 

While I have enjoyed the freedom to do as I please, when I please, how I please, at the end of the day I am not fulfilled.  Relinquishing control of my cock, my wardrobe, my wallet to some extent, etc. while difficult and not "natural" seems to give me an inner peace.  I know I will either forget things or rebel in some ways, but I am fully aware this is what I want and need.  The hardest thing for me will be doing things without being told to do so.  It's very hard for me to put on my nighty or dress in feminine clothes without being specifically told to do so each time.  The financial penalty phase makes it so I mentally decide if a fine is worth "forgetting" to do something.  For some reason a painful punishment didn't work the same way.  Also the financial punishment takes no effort on MBB's part whereas a pain punishment requires her to take time to restrain me and deliver the punishment.

While I am dreading my time in chastity, the mere thought of having to do something I hate so much gets me going.  There is really something hot (that I can't explain) about being coerced into doing things that are very low on my list of turn ons.  The thought of having my own cum forced into my mouth or other disgusting things, being locked into a cage or just being locked in the dungeon for hours or days would piss me off to no end.  However, to have control taken from me and to know MBB has the confidence to take it to such an extreme gets me all hot and bothered.

Also, the thought of not cumming (or should I say not having an orgasm) until the middle of February gets me pretty ramped up too.  I have gotten way to used to cumming the last few months and am looking forward to the mental sexual fatigue and lack of sleep that comes with tease and denial.  I am also looking forward to having many of the tools in the dungeon used on me as well as being MBB's sex slave and complete slut.

I will post later this week on what's going through my mind.

Almost forgot.  Recent developments had me dig up a couple old posts I found online a while ago.

Since the dungeon is now up and running and the "horse" of out of storage.   http://elisesutton.homestead.com/horse.html

And since we have acquired a fucking machine (read the last story from Janet W.)  http://elisesutton.homestead.com/Aug10.html


 

Things are going to change

The email I received Sunday morning...


When we return home tomorrow, you will go back into chastity until further notice. I have tweaked some of the old tasks that were in the original contract. Respond with your acknowledgment and acceptance of the new rules.

1) You agree to take the dry cleaning weekly.
2) You are responsible for a weekly journal entry covering at a minimum your significant thoughts for the week. This is not meant to be a recitation of daily activities or events, unless the context is necessary for the explanation of thoughts. You may choose the day your entry is made, however, it must be made by 10pm every Sunday,
3)      You agree to email me every morning by 9am with your plans for the day. You may waive this task on Saturday and Sunday, or if we are spending the day together.
4)      You agree to seek permission prior to going out alone or with friends.    
5)      You agree to wear a nightie to bed every night.
6)      You agree to forego male underwear for your sexy panties.
7)      You will go into chastity when your Mistress requests.
8)      You agree to dress as Sophia when you are home.
9)      You agree to accept any punishment that your Mistress decides to inflict to any degree, whether earned or not.
10)  You may not seek any other Mistress or lover or relate to others in any sexual or submissive way without your Mistress’s permission
11)  You may not have sex in any way, shape or form with yourself unless directed or permitted by your Mistress.
12)   You agree to look for opportunities to make your Mistress's life easier.
13)  I am re-instituting the fine system. If any of the above tasks are not met, an appropriate financial fine will be assessed.
14) You agree to fulfill the tasks above, unless permission is granted to waive the task. Other tasks/rules may be assigned.

Getting back into the groove

After not feeling the D/s lifestlye for a while I am back.  12 days and constant teasing with no orgasm has me climbing the walls of horniness.  One of the things about longer term denial is that it really amplifies my feminization fetish.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe prolonged denial (along with rampant teasing) makes it easier for me to play closer to my limits and with things considered taboo.

I posted my idea for financial punishment online.  I am surprised by some of the comments, but then again, the internet is full of idiots. 

As far as additional naughty ideas, I have only been thinking of a couple so far.
1.  What does MBB want to see tattooed on my body?  Her initials?  Some naughty word?  I would like to work on this and do it very soon!
2.  What clothes does MBB think Sophia should have next?  She is good at discount shpping on ebay now!

Very horny and loving t!

Before my morning testosterone wears off

What a week.  I have been so horny lately.  Tuesday was off the charts yesterday was a little bit less but this morning is coming back with a vengance.  I figured I would write all the stuff going through my head with the caveat that some of this stuff sounds great now, but I will later regret writing.

Last night I had a dream that I was going out to see customers.  I was wearing femme clothes under my work clothes including black opaque pantyhose.  I even had some low heels that my pants covered enough.  Just before I left the house I thought "this looks stupid like this" so I took off the masculine clothes and changed into a dress.  It was an 80's style dress that had flowers on it.  I didn't think twice about it until people were looking at me while pretending not to look at me.  Then I was a little weirded out, but not as much as I should have been.  When I woke up from that dream I realized I had another one where I was different super sexy cocktail dresses out and about, but that's about all I remember.

I have also been thinking about the "remote punishments" I had read in that posting.  It's a good thing I'm not a Dom as I would be pretty mean, especially in person. 

Before bed one night you after a few beers you take me upstairs.  You tell me I am to be chained to the bed for the night.  I mention that I will have to get up and go pee in the middle of the night and you tell me not to worry.  You pull out an adult diaper and tell me to put it on and get in the bed.  You chain me up and then sleep on the couch.  You make sure to sleep in late enough to make sure I have humiliated myself.  (I only read a line or two of this article so I am not sure what's in it http://drfetish.wordpress.com/2009/01/12/effective-diaper-domination/ )

 You lock me in the cage, but you put my earphones in first and then lace my leather hood on me.  Then after locking me in the cage you put an ipod with audio in it.  The audio is feminization hypnosis type audio or bi-sexual audio or other audio that will either turn me on or push against my boundaries. http://www.strappedinsilk.com/downloads2.html

I have thought about you making me go on yahoo into a chat room wearing clothes or a gag or the shackles and go on cam.  If anyone asks me what I am doing you make me type a humiliating response or even have them IM you to see what the deal is.  Maybe you tell them I am ordered to do whatever a stranger tells me, and you get to watch it all on cam. 

For a really good punishment (when i don't have Martini) you have me go in the cage as soon as I am down with work.  I have food that I can reach, but I am locked until you give me the password. (I did order locks online they should be here tomorrow).

I feel my libido coming down a bit so I am going to send this before I change my mind.

The latest

MBB and I had 2 great "scenes" this weekend.  MBB had me teased and in a tizzy.  I still can't believe how being tied down can put me in such a head space.  It seems the tighter I am bound, the more helpless I am made to be, the more turned on I am.  MBB then proceeds to tease my cock and driving me insane.  The things that run through my head are amazing to me, especially because I can be made to agree to just about anything.  Mention something and if I won't agree to it now, just keep on teasing.  It's amazing how well it works. 

MBB is slowing learning that she can have pretty much full control over me.  Of course there will be times when she won't have control, but she will be able to wrest control back from me and make me pay for the time I was stubborn.  I am very easily manipulated by my kink.  Enough so that it concerns me sometimes, but not so much so that I would ever consider not being this way.  I am excited and a little bit frightened that MBB is finally learning this about me.

Lastly, I am in an amazing mood today.  I almost forgot to dress in femme clothes today.  I wonder what MBB would have done if I wasn't dressed when I came downstairs.  It's still very hard for me to dress or wear a nighty on my own accord (panties being the exception).  I feel like a "cross dresser" if I do on my own and it disturbs me a little (not like it used to).  Being commanded though makes it more palatable for me.  I don't call it forced feminization, but more like coerced feminization.  Either way, I am in a very horny pliable state of mind today.

Full Baloons

It's been 11 days since I have had an orgasm.  I did have a little spill 2 days ago, which I wished didn't happen but I am still quite worked up.

MBB and I won't be seeing much of each other over the next couple days which is a bummer.  I know she trusts me so it was fun this morning when she had me lock up my cock marking my cock as her property.  I get hard just thinking about her doing that.  After my workout this morning I got dressed in some new feminine underclothes I bought that matches a set I also purchased for MBB. 

MBB are still planning on moving in together which I am very excited about.  This living apart crap is putting a toll on our relationship.  Especially with the kinky stuff.  It seems like we have to start over every weekend.

I don't know why, but the longer I go without coming the more I think about feminization.  Feminization and humiliation.  I think it's because the longer I go, the more extreme my thoughts become. 

The balloon

On Monday night I was granted a full and very fulfilling orgasm.  After an orgasm (drained balloon) I am generally a few days out of it.  Yesterday was no exception, especially since I had so much to do.  Today I am getting back into the swing of things.  MBB appears to be learning what time frame I should have between orgasms that she thinks is appropriate.  She thinks 7-10 days.  I think 4-10 days, but who cares what I think???  I am happy she is reading me well enough to not give me orgasms like she used to, although that was quite fun too.  Obviously for me, denial is the best tool to keep me in a certain state of mind.

Update

It's been awhile since I have posted.  Here is where I am at with things.

My past BS.  I still need to read that full post MBB found on Fetlife regarding fighting the exact thing I want and need.  That's exactly what I did and I wish I didn't.  We had a great thing going and MBB was perfectly strict and demanding and we were well on our way to a true 24/7 D/s relationship.  I miss that.

Since we are now working on getting things back to where they were, I have reluctantly enjoyed my current tasks.  Wearing women's clothes on days at home (like today and last Friday), wearing a nighty at night and of course, only women's underwear.  Panties are easy to forget, and nighty is since I am sleeping, but feminine wear all day is not easy to ignore. 

Maintenance.  To maintain our dynamic, I am looking forward to going back to weekly or even twice weekly maintenance sessions.  They don't necessarily need to be "punishment", but they should reinforce our dynamic.  Anything that puts me in a position of submission and MBB in a position of authority.  It could be as simple as snap training or me keeling before her or a hard as a brutal beating or something else for me to "endure".

Chastity.  Thinking about my previous BS comment above, I believe chastity needs to come back into play.  Now I know that I have more or less taken it off the table.  That wasn't fair of me.  I have been thinking of ways to introduce it back into our relationship.  Here is what I was thinking...  Start with short periods (no more than 2-4 days to start) and work our way up.  For now, not use it as a punishment as that is what triggered my attitude before.  That being said, if punishment is what you want to use it for, I think it should be "my idea".  Whether you tie me down and torture me until I agree to go into it as a punishment, or tell me once I complete my time in chastity then we can move onto the things I enjoy. Lastly you can use T&D to get me to agree to go into chastity.  I don't think chastity should ever be brought up when we are not together or when either one of us is mad.  I can be coerced into chastity and would prefer not to be "forced" into it.  I believe it should be a tool in your tool belt, but not a hammer.   Now this may sound like me being pushy, but I want us both to have all the things we want.  Very occasionally I want chastity, and I know you would like me in it more than I am.  I think this is a good way to get started for now until we are to a position to where I am ok being in it for any reason whatsoever.  Whether I want to or not. 

Intensity.  When we play I feel you back off from hurting me sometimes.  Now don't think I am asking for more pain, as that's really not what I am looking for.  I am looking to be pushed to my existing limits which may include pain.  At the same time I want you to enjoy pushing me which I think you do.  I would like to be forced to use my safeword more than I have in our play.  Now I know it's not easy to hurt someone you love, however this is the type of relationship we are in.  Again, it doesn't have to be pain, it could be the cage, sleeping restrained, intense play, button pushing, feminization, etc.  I imagine being pushed to where I get kind of pissy and possibly even mad at you, but like the demos we watched this weekend, once allowed to calm down (while still restrained) and focus back on things I think I/we will be much better for the experience.  This isn't anything that has to happen right away, just something for you to think of.  Let me know if I am wrong about you being ok pushing harder.

Our relationship in general.  I am glad I got through my crap.  I really like what we have.  You are an amazing woman.  I love your confidence, your openness and your willingness in our relationship. 

Your turn... 
   

It's been a while

Its been awhile since I last posted, but not because I haven't wanted to.  To the contrary, I have had lots of things going through my mind.  I have been thinking a lot about what I had with MBB prior to me flipping out.  It was the type of female led relationship with very strong D/s overtones that I had dreamed of.  Of course it wasn't 100% perfect, because no submissive male should get 100% of what he wants.  He should always be yearning.  So while I am happy I have been unable to unravel some of the things I had a hard time with mentally (chastity) I do miss a lot of the feelings of being "owned" that I had.  The term "be careful what you wish for" can go both ways.  You should be careful when you ask for too much, but also be careful when you ask for less.  You may just get it.

We have thunder in the mountains coming up soon.  It will be our first time together in the scene.  I am a little nervous, but very much looking forward to it.  I went to the site and was checking out the vendors.  One of them had a great deal on a "body bag".  I google body bag and found these sites. 
http://fox-bound.blogspot.com/2011/05/leather-bodybag.html?zx=aa32173dbb095077  http://mistressadira.net/2010/12/06/sleepsack-sessions-for-my-collared-slaves/ 
What an amazingly strict position to be in. 

I have also been thinking of MBB having me cum on Friday night.  Her thought being that by letting me cum, I wouldn't be too horny when we were apart Saturday night and that I would be a better behaved boy (at least that's my take on her intentions).  In reality, the more she controls my orgasms, the more I am in tune to her and our dynamic.  The more horny I am, the more I am into serving, obeying and doing whatever I can to keep the horniness going.  That horniness is what got me so hot and bothered that I bought so many feminine things last week.

Lastly, I have been thinking of all the more intense things we have done or that we have talked about.  Super restrictive bondage, painful positions, gags, cages or isolation, breath play, publishing photos, chastity (yeah I know), collars, electric shock (all sorts), feminization, not allowed to say "no", etc.  Just a jumble of dark fantasies.

I am happy to finally have it in my mind that I have everything I want with MBB.  I really think MBB and I can move on from my "ick" and we can have a deeper more meaningful relationship as well as a more D/s relationship.  I am very excited.

 

Thank you!

MBB, I wanted to thank you for giving us another chance.  I know it wasn't an easy decision. I also wanted to thank you for today's. It was busy but was able to work things in (my ass especially).

I have been having random naughty thoughts, nothing too dramatic, but wanted you to know.  I do like it when you use my cock and then have me roll off you and go to bed.  I feel nicely used.  I hate to say it but I also liked you slutting me up today.  It's curious how you haven't wanted me slutty, but you did today.  I like being slutty, but you have also taught me that classy is fun too.  Now I have to keep an eye out for slutty so I can be slutty when you want me to.

I love you and am happy I have had a realignment of my chakra!!!

In a mood today

Between not cumming since Monday and MBB ordering me to wear a plug today (3+ hours as I write this BTW), I am in such a mood.  I'm horny and fantasizing about some of the more naughty things I fantasize about.  There is something about having my ass filled or played with that just gets me going.  I am also in a mood to be controlled.  I think my recent "freedom" is starting to make me yearn for that feeling of having no say in what happens to me or what I am allowed do.  I wish the feeling were constant so we could live a 24/7 relationship, but it's not.

I was thinking maybe on our days assigned together that we are 24/7 and I have no say at all and must follow all rules, but then on my off days I can have the freedom I need.  Just a thought.  

All that being said, I love MBB very much and really do wish I were more consistent in my behavior.

Where are things?

MBB and I had an amazing weekend.  Especially considering how the last week or two haev gone.  Now we need to regroup and see where we need to be as a couple when it comes to D/s. I will always need it in my life in one way or another.  The problem for me is certain things may get me to freak out, and that's no fun for either one of us.  I am sure there are some things MBB needs and wants in a D/s relationship and there are things I need.  The problem for me is I could need/want something today, but not next month and vice versa.  I don't know how to get around that part of me.  I still think MBB finding a mentor that is in a D/s dynamic would help her greatly, but that's not necessarily easy to find.  I am confident we can figure things out as I am very happy with MBB and want to spend a very long time with her.

Changes

MBB posted yesterday that she is unsure about the dynamic going from 24/7 to something less than that.  There were certain things she had me doing on a daily basis.  Generally I had no real issue doing some of those things. I guess we still need to refine the details of what she has control over me on.  Here is her list of concerns and I will address each one.

• panties - if it pleases MBB I will wear nothing but panties.  I would even agree to a severe punishment if she catches me without them on.   At the same time I only want to wear them because it does something for her. 
• nighties - I will agree to wear nighties, but would prefer to be told to.  Just doing it without input isn't fulfilling.   
• the plug - Whenever MBB orders I will wear it for as long as says.
• the bikini bottoms while sunning?  Have been doing and will continue to do. 
• mobile me tracking - still debating.  Either trust me or don't. 
• the web cam - would consider so MBB can ensure I have followed an order.  Not just leaving it on.
• permission to go out - This is one that I don't want to change for now.
• the daily email of schedule?  I don't see a purpose to it, however I would consider doing it without a deadline.  if MBB wants to know what I am up to for the day, she can always ask and I will tell her.

There is also a lot of things MBB can do to get more of her needs met.  I have already agreed to her assigning me tasks at her whim.  She can also coerce me and get me to agree to do things while she has me tied up and vulnerable. 

After writing all of this I guess it came down to a few things that I didn't want to do any longer and it came out as I don't want 24/7.  I am thinking some 24/7 type dynamic is OK, but not sure how it would look.  Here are the things that weren't working for me.

1.  Chastity being "forced" upon me.  I could see a case for MBB telling me it would please her for me to be locked up for a certain amount of time.  I could than decide to please her or not.  But as far as a punishment, chastity is too demanding of my energy.  Especially when I am mad or upset.
2.  Blogging for the sake of blogging.  I will blog when I want and feel the need to blog.  I like blogging and communicating.  Having an arbitrary time to blog by along with having to blog when there is absolutely nothing to blog about was frustrating.  I should have communicated this, but didn't want to be pushy.  It built up and backfired on me.
3.  Asking for permission to go out.  That's too much like married life.  Looking back it was a silly idea of mine.  It's hot in fantasy, but not in real life even though I was always told 'ok".
4.  Tracking and web cam.  Most of the time I am ok with it, but sometimes I just want to know I am not being watched.  It's a little unnerving to think you can be watched at any time. 

So this post went one way then the other.  I guess I am ok with most things.  MBB and I need to work out some things.  I would prefer to be a little less 24/7 than we were, but a  little more than where my freak out took us.  I am a slave to D/s as MBB reminded me. 
 

Finally getting my libido back

After a few weeks of me not really caring about sexual things it's back.  Even though I cam just 2 nights ago I am very horny.  MBB asked me to wear a plug today.  To up the ante a little bit, I am wearing it with the harness that it came with.  The harness is lockable and from what I can tell, escape proof (without cutting the straps).  It also doesn't flex out as much as the plug by itself which means I am fuller than normal with it on.

Last night during my edging exercise I fantasized about being tied with my ass in the air.  MBB would then put a fucking machine behind me, lube up a dildo and turn it on.  I imagined her masturbating so I could see her all while taunting me about how she was going to have the machine fuck my ass until it started bleeding or I was crying.  She also added that she would keep it very well lubed so that tears should come before blood. 

Lastly, we negotiated changes to our 24/7 relationship.  It's no longer 24/7 as when we are apart it just wasn't working.  We haven't spoken about it but I still feel she should have control over me when we are together with the few exceptions that we already talked about.  I think she should feel comfortable ordering me to do things and wear things if I expect to be in her presence.

Funny how time changes things....
   

Some Feelings

I haven't been having any real D/s thoughts or feelings lately. That happens sometimes. I think that has frustrated MBB. Yesterday I posted late to my blog. I have been forcing myself to post the last week or so my "thoughts" although I have none. In return for posting late I got sentenced to two weeks in chastity. Then a third for saying OK instead of "yes MBB". I imagine my punishment would have been about the same if I hadn't posted at all.

So now I'm having D/s thoughts, just not good ones. Out D/s dynamic feels forced. And by that I mean I still consider myself MBB's sub, but I'm not feeling any D/s inba sexual way. Wing in chastity is making me feel resentful. I don't want to feel this way but I do. Throwing a week of chastity around like it's another 15 minutes of time out or another 20 pushups is frustrating. I'm already mentally chaste right now due to my lack of feelings so the device to me is like wearing a cast in both ankles even though only one is hurt.

If MBB wants to punish me I accept that however chastity is a 24/7 punishment for a less then 24/7 crime.

Today's post.

Not much to post here although MBB has probably found a way to motivate me a little. Apparenty my next orgasm won't be until June 12th. I imagine by then My brain will be running a little crazy with naughtiness. I can't wait!

Avoiding a Rut

MBB gave me a task to see how other D/s couples avoid a rut.  I don't think a rut is exclusive to us or to D/s couples.  Here are some of the things I found to do in relationships in general to avoid ruts.

Keep separate interests.  MBB and I started out doing a lot of things seperately.  She ran, spent time with her niece and went to happy hours with friends.  I rode my bike, spent time with my pets and went to a couple of bars.  We also spent time together, but we made ourselves a priority before each other.  I think it's natural to want to make your partner a priority, but I think we have both allowed ourselves be on the back burner.  I think still planning time apart makes us each more interesting when we do spend time together.  I am of the opinion that this is the thing that would probably do the most good for us as a couple.

At the same time, we had really good dates.  We used to go to a movie weekly.  We spent a lot of time just talking (although that was probably just more about us learning about each other).  Planning a date that doesn't involve TV needs to be a priority.  We also need to do new things like "stupid bowling".  By that I mean things that don;t sound too fun until you are doing them. 

I was able to find one article on ruts and D/s relationships.  Here is a link.  http://www.bdsmtrainingacademy.com/once-the-bdsm-honeymoon-is-over/

All of this being said, I think it's good of us to be at a level where we may feel that we are in a rut or going into on.  It means we get along, we enjoy spending time with each other and we are comfortable doing nothing together at times.

As far as what we can do in the next 7 days, I don't think we need to force it.  I think we should both think about something D/s that we want to try and see if that would work.  

   

Plugged again

MBB wasted no time in getting me ramped up again.  After a great birthday weekend, I am plugged yet again for 3 hours.  Today, I also had to sun tan in full bikini (I actually have a light bow tan on my back right now).  I do feel like such a slut being in a bikini and having the tan lines I do.

I haven't been giving much thought to naughty stuff lately, I'm not sure why.  We have been talking about a threesome a lot lately and while it sounds very exciting it seems like it's probably more work to get one going than its worth. It almost seems like one of those things that just happen when they happen.  Of course we also need to spend time with other people a little more than we have been to improve our odds. 

Other than that, not a lot going on in my mind right now.

Today's post

Again I have too much going on in the noggin to have much to say.  I have really not been thinking about much in the naughty sort of way, but I am looking forward to an amazing weekend with MBB!

Good Orgasm

Last night's orgasm was amazing.  I think having an orgasm when you don't think you are going to get to have to be one of the best.  It takes so much effort to hold back that when I finally get to cum its amazing.

Too busy today to think of naughty things, darn it.

Feeling Naughty

Lately MBB has been throwing the threesome idea in my head.  She teased that on my upcoming birthday that she wants us to be chatting up girls and trying to take one to our room.  She has also had me find threesome stories and while searching for those I have found sme pretty hot pics as well.

Yesterday I had to wear my plug for three hours and today I had to wear something feminine besides my panties.  I chose a super tight camisole.  I feel weird putting things on that could be seen but once I am in it, I feel hot and naughty (mostly).

I also had some time to tan in my bikini bottoms.  I am getting such a little trashy tan line.  I tried a pair of mnes thongs I have from my younger days to try and cover my cock and balls better, but it just wasn't the same.  I went back and put my bikini bottoms back on.  I think the string part of the bikini, the bows on each side, the fact they are women's and trying to keep my junk into it all makes it much naughtier.

I also stroked today.  I was stroking to devine bitches videos.  They do some amazing stuff.  They are brutal.  I like to think I could be on there, but I don't think I could handle it.  Or maybe I could, who knows.  It could be one of those things that while I am doing it, it would be difficult, but it would be a major turn on every time I thought of it...

I am a very lucky slave...

Today's post

Between yesterday and today I have been swamped with getting stuff done.  In turn I have had little thoughts regarding D/s.  MBB sent me an email today with tasks to do.  I got most of them done before I left the house, but hope to get one done later by my hand or MBB's hand.  I also think MBB thinks that our scene on Sunday may have caused me some issues or reason to pull back, but it didn't. Sunday's scene was perfect as MBB took control of me and pushed me into a situation that grossed me out, which is exactly what I wanted and was looking for.  It's one of the counter intuitive things about D/s.  How can you want something to be done to you when you really don't want it to be done.  It's all about being forced or to have it taken from you.  Just the thought of not having a say in what happens to me when I am restrained is such a fucking turn on.

Good scene

Last night MBB and I had a quick and naughty scene.  MBB tied me to the bed in such a way I could barely move.  Although a few hard slaps on the balls really tested the bonds and my ability to move.  After some nice cock sucking (on her part) she mounted me and quickly rode herself to 2 orgasms.  It must be nice to be easy to cum AND multi orgasmic.  I'm jealous.  MBB then stroked my cock and I was quickly on the edge.  She then put on her strap on, lubed it up and easily entered me. She lubed up my cock some more and fucked me hard while stroking my cock.  She told me I was going to cum and that's the reason she tied me down so well.  I thought for sure it was so she could keep stroking me after I came.  Instead she forced me to cum and then told me to lick up the cum she put on her hand.  I really have no choice in the matter.  My fight or flight response kicks up and there is little I can do.  MBB proceeded to smear it all over my face and lips and then got up to clean up.  She threatened me with leaving it to dry.  I wasn't too worried as I could see with all of the ball smacking and me trying to get away from my cum that I could reach one of the knots.  Instead she took mercy on me.  As soon as I was free I ran to the shower and washed my cum of me.  Even though I have cum, I can't imagine eating cum with silicone lube.  Eccchhhhh.

Overall it was a good scene in that MBB pushed my buttons.  I was lying there pissed at myself for the fantasies I write about.  It's a pretty good mind fuck. 

Teased and Denied

Last night MBB decided to tie me to the bed and stroke my cock for a while.  It's the first time in over a week that she hasn't let me cum when we have been intimate.  I don't know how to explain being what being denied does to me.  I love cumming.  It is the most amazing feeling in the world.  Everything that leads up to it is the next best thing.  So when I am continuously given the next best thing, but kept from the most amazing thing.  It's such a mind fuck.  Also, when I cum some of my horniness drops off.  I like to think of it like a balloon.  The more air in the balloon the more pressure.  You can keep putting more air into it and it gets very fragile and becomes vulnerable to popping.  So a full blown orgasm is like popping it and you need a new balloon to get me going again.  Getting to the edge to where some cum drips out is like blowing and losing a little bit of air between breaths.  Getting me to the point of no return and then removing your hands as an orgasm starts is like letting go of a balloon and watching it fly around the room.  Since the balloon wasn't popped, you don't have any air in it, but you still have the balloon and don't have to start over.  It's a lot like that.  I have a love hate relationship with orgasm denial.

I also just hit the 3 hour mark of wearing my butt plug.  I need to go remove it and manscape.  I am feeling pretty naughty right now!

Humiliation

I am not sure why this is, but I have been fantasizing about humiliation.  The funny part is I hate to be humiliated.  I think it's because it's another kind of loss of control.  I imagine a woman seeing me in feminine clothes, or my panties, or even just pictures.  I also imagine one being in the room with MBB and me and verbally taunting me.  It's very hot to think about, but I am sure in reality, would be much harder to go through.  Also it would be hot to have random women emailing me (at MBB's instruction) to tell me that they saw my pics and what a slut I was.   Especially if it was pictures that were not online.

"Be careful for what you wish for"

More thoughts

As a follow up to yesterday's post on things going through my mind.  I have been fantasizing a lot about a couple of machines. 

The first is a milking machine like the Venus 2000.  It seems like perfect pleasure that turns into torture.  It also seems like a great device that once set up, it takes no effort on the part of the Domme.  To think that the stroke rate can be set at just the edge of release and then the Domme can just let it work or she can inflict other torments on him.  And then when and if an orgasm is allowed, the machine has no mercy like my Mistress.  It can just be left on, sucking and sucking.  Even when I get through the super sensitive part of a session the machine could keep me hard and possibly get another orgasm out of me without stopping.  All with no effort on my Mistress's part.

The other is a fucking machine.  I can imagine being tied on my back or to some piece of furniture with my ass in the air.  MBB would lube up the dildo and put it on a slow pace to start.  As it worked itself in my ass, she would add plenty of lube and then turn it up to a medium fast pace.  I don't imagine this being used for pleasure, but for punishment.  Getting fucked fast, long, and hard would be so mentally draining.  She could then also use my mouth or just walk around me mocking me.  I just thought of another use.  Use the machine to rape my mouth. hmmmmm.  The nice thing about a fucking machine is she could use it too!

A lot of naughty thoughts

Even though I just had an orgasm last night, today has been a lot of dirty thoughts.  I have had a lot of thoughts lately about dungeon scenes in the Men in Pain videos.  Dark dungeons with chains and ropes hanging everywhere.  I think of myself in a leather harness that holds the chest (the videos have rope harnesses).  My arms would be bound behind my back, but high enough I couldn't use my hands to block my ass from a beating.  Since my arms wouldn't be above my head, I could stay in this position for an almost unlimited amount of time.  I imagine MBB fucking with me on lots of ways and giggling every time she made me mad or frustrated.

I also have been imaging being tied in a chair that allows my ball to hand freely.  MBB would have them bound in a tight little package so she could tap them for minutes on end.  Tapping them at the same mild strength and pace, until the tension builds so much I am screaming and sweating.  She would joke about how lightly she was actually hitting them and would occasionally give it a harder tap to show me just how lightly she is actually doing it.

Very soon we will be able to do these things without worrying about digging out the toys and putting them away.  I can't wait!.

Today has been an interesting day.  I have been very busy at work and the day has gone by entirely too fast.  That being said, I am in a very horny mood, but nothing specific.  My thoughts have been all over the board.  Most of my thoughts though have been thinking about moving soon and being able to set up a real dungeon.  Being locked in the stocks or tied face up on the cross lying flat with me at MBB's mercy.  Just the thought of it makes me hot.

I found an ad today of a bi female sub looking to submit to a Mistress.  I could see MBB having a female slave as an assistant when MBB wants to torture me.  I also imagine MBB would keep me hooded or blindfolded in this sub's presence so I would never know what she looked like.  That would be a real trip.  Or MBB could have her slave over, lock me in the cage, play with her slave and not allow me to interact at all.  That would be a real mind fuck too.

Thinking about all the thing that we could do just because it's all set up and ready to go.  I can imagine some intense scenes due to having access to all of the gear.  Also MBB would be able to have all of the equipment in sight and would probably be more inclined to use some of it. 

I also got to suntan a little bit today.  I am starting to get faint tan lines on my butt and on my hips.

Sex!

Finally.  My cold subsided enough to actually get out of the house, go see a movie on our weekly movie ritual, and yes, have sex.  We whispered lots of naughty stuff to each other while I gave MBB an orgasm or 2.  Most of which entailed me running at the mouth about feminization.  Apparently my horniness overrode my shame, and got me to negotiating.  I said how I would rather wear panties all the time and even sleep in a nighty than be in chastity.  That's the bad thing about being a horny slut like I am and MBB knowing just how horny I was.  My libido tends to write checks, my post orgasms ass doesn't want to cash.  I can readily agree to some pretty naughty stuff while on the edge of orgasm.  Then I cum, and I wonder what I just said and why.  It's has the potential to be very humiliating if I agree to do what I bargained for, or very painful if I don’t live up to the promise made. 

MBB took mercy on me and allowed me to stay out of chastity until we get back from our trip to Vegas.  Of course this is assuming I behave.  I made the mistake of thinking this was due to MBB's benevolence.  I was wrong.  Apparently MBB is holding me to my agreement above of wearing panties at all times and sleeping in a nighty.  At first I wanted to balk, but then I figured, at least I can work out, sleep, pee, etc. without the chastity device.  Wearing panties and a nighty is a small price to pay for that kind of freedom. It's also nice to know that I will be held accountable for my horny promises.  Maybe that will help me bite my tongue while being teased.

This last paragraph has given me a hard on for some reason ;)

Things are going great, and I hope MBB is as happy with my submission as I am with her dominance.

Getting there

I am so ready to quit being sick and to start feeling better... And horny.  Last night's communication should have been much better than it was.  MBB and I communicate better than I have with any other person, but the texting yesterday for the most part was not so good.  All I was trying to do was to say, although feminization does something for me, it's more of my volatile fetishes.  Little stuff like wearing clothes under my clothes, or even in a scene are easy.  Medium stuff like fashion shows, dancing, or heavier dress or "ok", but I need to be pushed a little bit.  Heavier stuff like full dress, public stuff, etc, can be done, but I really need to be pushed or coerced.  I liken it to going swimming in a cold pool.  I can and will get in, but I will take my sweet time.  You can coax me in and playfully splash me to try and speed things up, but if you push me off the edge and into the freezing cold water I'm going to have an issue.  I hope that makes sense.

The "thought" of all of this including the heavy stuff is super hot and erotic, but the actual "action" of the heavier stuff still weirds me out.  I am more confident in MBB being able to work with me and push me in a way that is hot to both of us than I have ever felt in my life.

I did buy 7 pairs of panties made for men at the request of MBB.  I can't wait to get them and wear them for her.  That should be hot.   

Still Sick :(

Unfortunately I am still sick.  Unfortunately being sick makes my libido close to nil.  I still have some basic naughty ideas, but nothing too exciting.  I can't wait to feel better so I can be my normal, super horny, naughty, thinking submissive thoughts.  Hurry up and get better! 

Getting Caught Up

I have been sick with a cold and MBB took mercy on me and waived my requirement to post for a couple days along with all of my other tasks.  I am still sick and not feeling very sexual, but I want to recap Thursday's events before any more time has elapsed.

My tasks for Thursday were to make some appointments for her and us.  The sexual components were to wear panties and a plug for a good part of the day.  I had to ask for permission to remove the plug as it was becoming very uncomfortable.  I was able to go slightly less than 3.5 hours, and I was allowed to remove the plug on the condition that I went 4 hours the next time.  Very creative and clever.

Thursday evening, I was instructed to arrive at MBB's house.  Under my clothes I was to be wearing pantyhose, a bra, and was to pack a pair of high heel shoes.  I was nervous to say the least, but also very excited.  I wore black pantyhose (the only decent pair of normal pantyhose I still have), a black bra, and my naughtiest pair of high heels.  They are black and fuchsia peep toe's with a 5" heel.  When I arrived, there was a note that told me to remove my chastity device and to strip down to my naughty things and go up to her room.  I wanted to resist, to say no, but knew I couldn't.  I put my stuff away and took off my male clothes.  I put my shoes on at the base of her stairs.  I walked up the stairs and peeked my head around the corner.  I still didn’t want to go through her seeing me this way.  She convinced me to come in and when I did, she looked at me very normally, like this was something we have done before, so I was instantly put at ease.  She was dressed in a “school teacher” outfit that she wore at Halloween.  It consists of a formal white shirt with feminine ruffles and a black pencil skirt.  It’s a very dominant look. As we embraced she rubbed my pantyhose covered cock and ass.  We kissed as she pinched my nipples through my bra. After a few minutes of kissing, she told me that I needed to be punished before we could move onto more fun stuff.  I had not completed tasks and commands over the last week and a half, and as agreed, I needed to be held accountable.  I was bent over the side of her bed with my wrists secured wide in front of me and my ankles spread slightly and tied to the posts next to the ground.  MBB did a good job of warming me up, but not too much warm up.  Being a punishment and not for fun requires less warm up.  The paddle and the strap, while they hurt didn’t feel too bad.  The punishment came with the heavy rubber beating stick.  For failing at my 6 tasks, I got 5 hits for the 5 minor offenses and 5 for the major offense.  I can honestly say that it’s the hardest I have been intentionally hit.  It hurt enough to make me mad, but it also allowed me to accept the roles we have taken in our relationship.  Although it hurt, I also felt blessed to be in this situation. 

After the beating, I was told to lie on the bed face up.  My hands were tied above my head to the two corners.   MBB then climbed on top of me and teased me with her dripping wet pussy.  She would rub all over me and lowly remove her clothes.  In short order I was back in sub-space after the recent beating took me out of subspace.  After a little bit of teasing MBB released my arms.  She wanted to watch me masturbate while wearing pantyhose and wanted me to get to the edge.  While I masturbated, she had me rub her pussy, but I wasn’t coordinated enough to do both.  MBB decided she would focus on herself while I got myself to the edge a few times.  Once she knew I was worked up, she got on her back and had me fuck her while wearing my pantyhose.  She continued to rub my feminine attire while telling me all the ways she was going to push my limits with women’s clothing.  After a short time, I asked for permission to cum which she very graciously granted.  I came in no time and found myself very exhausted all of a sudden.  I had started to come down with a cold, and the intensity of the evening’s activity speeded up the inevitable. 

A couple days later, I now have the darkest bruises I have ever had.  They are spread out to almost my hips, while the center of my butt has no markings.  We attribute that to the pantyhose been so tight as to keeping my butt all bunched up and the skin normally closer to the hips was pressed into the center.  Reflecting back on that day and night, I am cautiously excited about where MBB and I are heading.  Doing things like shopping in public is horrifying for me and I think will be psychologically difficult.  While the concept of having to do something so scary for me “seems” like it would be very hot, it’s all I can do to not make it a hard limit.  I am looking forward to MBB to show me clothes she has imagined me in as well as possible scenarios she has fantasized about me in a feminine state. 

I am very happy on my road to being owned.  I hope she feels the same way too.  

A day to reflect.

It’s pretty interesting how this week I didn’t go out Monday or Wednesday when we had our alone time.  Being locked up and by myself used to be very difficult for me, but it’s much easier now.  Knowing that I can have some time out when we are together makes chastity the rest of the time bearable.  Working out and peeing is still a pain in the ass, but I will adapt.

I really enjoy the communication we have.  It’s super fun to trade dirty texts and emails all day and know you are doing it because you want to, not because you feel you have too.  I really enjoyed waking up to a naughty task.  I also enjoyed you telling me I could get out of my plug, but the next time I have to go longer.  It will be a challenge, but I look forward to meeting as many of your challenges as I can.

The feminization is still scary for me.  I know I will be fine, but knowing I will be in pantyhose and a bra and bringing heels over gives me nervous butterflies.  Your texts earlier really will be a mind fuck if you end up doing it.  The texts read “I want to tie you up when you are all made up (hair/makeup/etc)....tease you (kind of like the story you sent me...to treat you like I would a girlfriend) and use the double dildo. “ and “I want you to dress up and make me dinner one night... “

I am very nervously looking forward to you pushing my buttons.  Pain, Humiliation and Frustration.  What a ride I am having and I hope you are having it too.  I also hoping you are starting to feel some ownership of me.

I am very in love with you my Goddess.