Thursday, October 12, 2017

A quick update

My focus has been heavy on work the last few days.  I am pulling back the frequency of my posts because of this.  Mistress hasn't required me to dress up this week, which I am missing more than I expected to.  I am dressing up when I work out as I only have feminine clothes in our basement gym. I am still locked in chastity and wearing a nighty at night.  I have now been locked up for over 2 weeks and it's been over 3 weeks since my cock had ANY stimulation.  My chastity device is now getting comfortable and is becoming a part of me, so maybe that means it's time to swap it out with a different one?  My balls are so full and my mind continues to go to dark and humiliating places.  The things I would do right now make me blush.



While I am in an absolutely submissive and feminine place, I can't get out of my mind a few recent blog posts I read early last week.  The blog is http://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com and she is the woman that beats her man on a very regular basis as well as dominating and humiliating him in front of and with other women.  Her stores frighten and excite me.  Recently she posted her need to switch and submit to her husband and she followed up with that experience.  While my preference is a submissive one, I am pretty darn creative and would get a huge rush from dominating Mistress.  I have not been allowed to dominate her for many years now.  Unfortunately.

Here are the relevant posts.  They are good reading and should arouse anyone, dominant or submissive.

Letter to my Husband

Letter Delivered

Collared and Flogged

My Beating is Tomorrow!!!

Wife Beaten!



Monday, October 9, 2017

Ordeal in the cage

Shortly after finishing yesterday's blog post Mistress came downstairs around 7:30 am.  I made her coffee and she asked me what time the store opened.  I told her 10 am.  She said it was time for me to be caged and for me to get ready.

I went upstairs and inserted my butt plug.  I came back down stairs and then headed to the basement.  Mistress was to follow.  I grabbed the straight jacket from the toy closet under the stairs and headed into the room that had the cage.  I undressed.  As I was removing my bra and inserts I was wondering how they would feel under the straight jacket.  I sat on the floor and put on my 8-inch ballet heels.  They lace and have an ankle strap.  I put my feet through the loops that go between the legs to keep the jacket from being raised.  Once I was in, I arranged those straps against the butt plug and proceeded to put my arms in the jacket.  Mistress buckled the main straps and left the arm straps undone so I could climb in the cage.  Once in the cage she pulled the arm straps crossing my arms in front of me and tightly buckled it down.  I was left kneeling in the cage when Mistress latched it behind me.  She agreed that she didn't need to lock it as I was completely helpless.  She very unceremoniously turned of the lights and left the room. 

I sat on my knees for a few minutes until I realized I needed a more comfortable position.  I put my head on the ground and rolled onto my side with a thud.  After much more struggling I was able to get on my back.  I was stuck.  I spent close to the next 2 hours trying to find comfortable positions.  Once I found a relatively comfortable position it was only comfortable for about 10 minutes before pressure points would start hurting.  I also had to avoin laying my head on the bars of the cage.  I knew they went put impressions on my skull and we had to run errands when I got released. 

I repeated a phrase out loud several times about not talking back or talking down to Mistress.  I imagined having to repeat it for the entire time I was in the cage out loud.  We had a baby monitor outside of the cage so Mistress could easily require some such rule in the future.  I also tried to take a nap.  My mind was racing too much for that to happen.  I imagined putting the baby monitor on top of the cage with a rule that I am not allowed to shut my eyes. 

I also had many, many fantasies.  In the spirit of keeping from being a pushy bottom, I will generalize them here and not go into detail.  I fantasized about how to make the cage time even more uncomfortable or miserable.  I thought about Mistress making be do or say things things before I was released.  I also though about non-cage related things.  The longer I was in the cage, the darker and more depraved my thoughts became. 

At one point I was able to wiggle and shift my arms low enough to grab the the lock on my chastity device.  I was able to push and pull on the lock enough to get some friction on my cock.  I wondered if Mistress was seeing me do this through the baby monitor and whether I should stop or not.  After 60 seconds or so, my cock got hard enough that the friction stopped and my hand was cramping at the same time due to how hard I had to struggle to do this.  That experiment was fruitless.

The butt plug.  Wow.  The straps that go between the legs really pushed up against the butt plug.  Every time I moved to find a more comfortable position, the butt plug was reminding me of my situation.  It was pressed so tightly that even breathing made me feel it in my ass.  When I would sigh, the plugged pressed even further.  It was pressed so tightly inside me that when I would try to flex my sphincter it didn't move.   My ass felt thoroughly used by the time I was released. 

I have been locked in the cage 3 or 4 times before this.  This time was the worst by far.  It's the first time that the time in the cage seemed to be more than the actual time.  Mistress let me out 5-10 minutes early of the 2 hour mark and I was thinking she left me in for 30-60 minutes longer.  This was by far the most helpless I have ever felt.  She could have just as easily left me on the floor and I would have been just as helpless.  The cage just made it hurt more.  I have come to the realization that the cage is not something to joke about.  Just because she hasn't 'broken' me with the cage yet, doesn't mean she can't.  I don't think I want to try.

When she finally did release me I was in complete drunken subspace.  I could barely move to assist my own release.  Mistress had to take off the ballet shoes and come partially in the cage to release my arms so that I could get out.  She left the room as unemotionally as she started my ordeal.

Looking back on it this experience was very hot to me.  Not in a sexual way.  The cage sucked.  There was no intimacy with it.  There was no emotion with it.  It was a punishment and nothing more or less.  It was not erotic although I tried to make it that way.  It was detached.  The reason it was hot was because Mistress controlled me completely.  She was cruel.  She was emotionless.  She didn't give the appearance to care how I did with it.  The realization that she could be cruel or crueler to me is what made it hot.

The rest of the day was uneventful as far as D/s is concerned, although I was certainly worked up as much as I ever have been.

This morning Mistress and I snuggled a bit.  I was tracing my fingers on Mistress legs and butt.  I was about to get out of bed and Mistress reached out with her foot.  I stayed in bed for a bit longer.  I continued to trace my fingers along her legs, ankles and feet.  I would trace along her leg where it meets her ass.  I traced her hip area and her stomach.  I traced her arms and neck.  I purposely avoided sexual areas for quite some time.  I teased her chest and she didn't stop me from teasing her breasts and nipples.  I took that as a good sign.  I traced my way back down her body to her pussy.  She let me proceed.  I rubbed her clit for a bit.  Mistress generally doesn't let me rub her clit long as she enjoys penetration much more.  Because of this I teases the opening to Mistress' pussy.  She was nicely wet. I teased her some more and the I inserted my finger a bit more.  Mistress commanded me back to her clit, I was surprised.  I re-positioned myself on my knees and continued to rub her clit.  I nuzzled my face against her neck.  Mistress reached over and rubbed my balls.  She commented on how full they were.  I assured her that it was her cruelty that was keeping me so aroused.  In very quick order Mistress came and she stopped me.  I tried force myself on her until she made it clear I was crossing a line.  I backed off to avoid cage time.  I imagined this becoming a daily ritual.  Waking Mistress up at a set time with my fingers and if she allows with an orgasm for her.  If I am out of bed already, a text message summoning me for her morning pleasure or to deliver coffee to her upstairs. 

Mistress told me to get dressed and make her coffee.  I asked what I should wear today as it was a home office kind of day.  She said "whatever you want".  I asked for clarification and she said I didn't have to dress feminine.  I was bummed, but decided I could still dress feminine today since it was my choice.  I couldn't dress that way right away or I wouldn't have time to make Mistress' coffee so I ran downstairs my nighty to make her coffee. 

I then went upstairs to get dressed.  I sprayed on my perfume.  I went to my panty drawer and picked out a pair of panties.  I then went to my feminine closet.  I picked out a red dress but decided against it as I didn't want bra straps showing.  I put it back and grabbed a black and white dress to wear.  As I picked up a bra to wear, I got insecure.  I can't get dressed up if Mistress doesn't want me to.  Mistress has gotten me over 99% of my macho insecurity, but apparently I still need a bit of encouragement or even better, coercion.  I put the bra back down, took off my panties and instead put on some male casual clothes.

In closing, the cage was miserable, but at the same time I was in heaven. Heaven because Mistress owned me and controlled me 100% at that time.  I was completely helpless, at her mercy and wanting to serve her even more.  That's the way it should be.                     

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Upcoming punishment

Yesterday I had to work for a few hours.  When I got to work I realized I had forgotten some things I needed.  I texted Mistress and she offered to bring me my missing items.  When she got to where I was working, I met her at her car so she didn't have to come in.  I had intended Mistress to bring a stack of brochures and she brought 2.  However she was right, I didn't specify.  I was frustrated and spoke in a way that I shouldn't have to her.  When she left I realized the missing brochures were not a big deal as she brought me enough other items that I could use.  I texted to apologize and we talked about needing to improve my organizational skills.  Then she texted me this and you can see my reply.

         

I hate to admit it but I got an immediate hard on.  That being said I truly dislike the cage.  It's not a painful punishment, but it's uncomfortable  It's boring.  It's tedious and makes me reflect. A lot.  There are worse punishments, but this one is very easy for Mistress to administer.  

We got through the rest of the day, but a few times I tried to hit on Mistress she told me "no" and that I was forbidden to touch her or be intimate with her.    

At bedtime we got into bed.  Mistress told me I would be caged on Sunday at some point.  She also added that I would be be wearing my butt plug, my chastity device, a straight jacket and my 8-inch ballet shoes.  I got a hard-on.  Not because of the items she mentioned, but because the intends this to be more difficult than I thought she would.  I then said to her with a snarky tone "is that all?"  For some stupid reason I was trying to poke the bear.  

Then Mistress asked if I could be trusted to not wear my chastity device overnight and into the morning.  I then continued to be snarky with her by saying "I guess we will have to see".  She said if she suspected that I touched myself I would spend the entire day in the cage.  I said something to the effect of "if I tell you that is", and then I told her I would be fine.  She could trust me.  Within 10 seconds I knew that wasn't 100% true.  I am in such a state of mind right now, I can't even trust myself.  Especially when I am unsupervised from the time I wake up until I go to work.  The level of my horniness and submissiveness means I cannot be trusted.  I told Mistress that I indeed can't be trusted and that I would lock myself back up immediately.  After forcing my hard cock back into my CB-6000 device I left the key on Mistress' nightstand so that I wouldn't be tempted to mess with it in the morning.

I fell asleep until I had to use the restroom at around 2:30 AM.  As I crawled back into bed I contemplated the next day.  At some point in the day Mistress will likely ask if I am ready for my punishment.  I will say yes.  She will tell me to go plug myself and meet her down stairs in the basement.  I will arrive in the basement and will see things set up.  Mistress will have me remove my clothes.  I will have to sit on floor to put on the 8-inch ballet heels.  These make it so that I cannot stand or walk and that I must crawl.  These shows alone cripple me.  I will then lie back and slide the straight jacket straps over my ankles and then I will kneel so I can put my arms in it and raise it over my shoulders.  Mistress can then strap me tightly into it.  Getting into the cage will be awkward as I can't use my hands.  I have to use my face on the ground to crawl in.  Once in, Mistress will close the door, but with my hands in the jacket and my feet in the shoes, a lock is just redundant at this point. I will be here until she decides to release me.  

Then for at least 2 hours I will be left to lie there and contemplate.  I have been in the cage in the straight jacket once before, but then I was barefoot.  I was able to use my toes to grab the bars of the cage and move myself a bit to get comfortable.  I won't be able to do that today as I will be in those ballet heels.  The heels also have the effect of making the cage 8 inches shorter.  Add to that the straps of the straight jacket that go between the legs push the butt plug much deeper in my ass.  

So for at least 2 hours I will be lying there thinking of how I acted toward Mistress and my overall situation.  I will be fantasizing that Mistress is upstairs masturbating, so turned on by my situation, that she has to cum.  In all likely-hood she will be watching TV.  

I will also be counting my blessings that I have such a Mistress.  One that will not only tolerate my kinks, but one that will help me grow and train me the way we both know I need.  To punish me when I deserve it, which frankly I deserve more often.  It takes a very special woman to be able to be mean and cruel to a man she loves, but that it exactly what I need in my life.  I just need to be sure to be as sweet and kind and gentle with her, as that is what she needs.  

I am a very lucky man to have a firm and strict Mistress.


      

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Self Control?

Yesterday I switched my chastity device out for one that has given me some skin irritation in the past.  I was hopeful that I was no longer allergic to the plastic used in the device as it is easily the best designed one I own.

Unfortunately I had a reaction.  I was going to put on another device but Mistress told me to give my cock a break, but no touching.  Bummer.

I realize how accustomed to being locked in chastity I have become.  That got me to thinking.  I have played with chastity for 17-18 years.  I loved the idea, but I hated it in practice, especially in my previous realtionship.  Mistress has made it so that I not only accept it, but that I yearn for it.  The same goes for cross dressing.  It's always been a fetish I had that I would indulge in 1-4 times a year and usually with great shame.  Clothes I had acquired would get thrown out after an orgasm and the insecurity that followed.  I would buy the cheapest clothes possible and looked terrible.  Mistress embraced my fetish, encouraged it, bought me nice things and made me invest in classy items.  I've worn a nighty nearly every night for years, including vacations.  We've made love with me dressed and I feel like her girlfriend when I am dressed.  Because of that I am much more comfortable in women's clothes and dare I say, I yearn for it.  So much that I now miss not wearing my heels, bra, inserts and other clothes.  I am also being conditioned to enjoy my ass being full.  I contemplated on whether my ass is to be plugged this morning as I was instructed to be plugged 'this week'.  I decided to not be a pushy bottom and express my confusion and look for further direction.  If I am to be plugged I can do it later today.

I was ready to spout off on all the other things I can imagine being conditioned to, but decided that is pushy bottom behavior and no longer allowed.

As I sit here writing,  I am wearing a yoga outfit that Mistress bought me a few years ago.  It's super comfortable and great for chilly mornings like today.  Normally I would just wear this, but with my level of horniness and my newfound affection for a bra and inserts, I am wearing a floral pattern bra with my extra large inserts.

Lastly, I am currently unlocked.  When I woke up I have every intention of locking myself up before heading downstairs.  As horny as I am I don't trust myself to not touch myself.  As I started to place the device on my cock I determined I should be able to obey Mistress without a device for at least a few hours.  I will try.  I so want to lean back in my office chair and stroke my cock and edge myself a few times with my mind running wild.  Or even just rubbing my cock through my yoga pants and panties like a girl.  Technically that's not touching myself, right? Not only have I not spilled a drop of cum in 2.5 weeks, I haven't even been close to the edge in that amount of time.  My cock is straining against my panties as I write this and consider my predicament.  Let's see how much self control I have until I am locked back up.

           

Friday, October 6, 2017

Slave Unplugged

Last night before bed Mistress suggested that I skip my butt plug training today.  I asked why and she said she didn't it to cause any damage.  She is probably right that it's good to take a break once in a while.  When I woke up this morning I was and still am super horny.  I remembered her suggestion and considered what it meant.  While it was suggested, it was an order.  Mistress likes to make her orders sound less like an order and more like a suggestion.  I have learned that regardless of the phrasing I am expected to obey.



When I realized I would be unplugged today I was a bit sad.  I have grown accustomed to all aspects of it.  Lubing it up.  Trying to insert it.  Feeling the widest part as it slips inside me.  Sitting on it.  Feeling it when I walk.  Having it rub on my prostate. Flexing my sphincter so I can feel it more.  The mental humiliation of having a surrogate cock in my ass for hours and days.  Fantasizing about Mistress stretching my hole so that she can fuck my ass or use the fucking machine on me.  Having to remove it and the emptiness I feel once its removed.  I am missing it all this morning.  I feel empty.

I considered disobeying. I could have made some excuse about it being a suggestion or that I wanted to show my devotion to her training.  But that is not an option at this stage.  I have pushed too hard and I can't do that any longer.  I just need to do what I am told.  To obey without question. 

Yesterday, Mistress commented that she liked my anklet.  A bit of pride flowed through me just before a rush of erotic humiliation did.  It was perfect.  Since I woke up so horny today and I was missing my plug I wanted to add something new.  Since Mistress commented on my anklet a piece of jewelry seemed like a good idea.  I looked through one of my drawers and found in clip-on dangling earring and I couldn't find the other.  So I looked in a bag I keep under my bathroom sink.  In it is a ton of makeup for when Mistress has me get fully made up.  I also have fake nails, perfume samples emery boards, eyelash curlers, etc.  I also found some jewelry.  I found a pair of dangling earrings as well as a pair of hoop earrings.  I think hoop earrings are kind of slutty (in a good way) so I chose them.  I recently heard this quote, 'The bigger the hoop, the bigger the hole'. It was a derogatory way to describe girls with large hoop earrings.  Kind of appropriate since my hole has been plugged and stretched recently.  I also found either a bracelet or an anklet with pink butterfly's on it.  I didn't open the package as I didn't want to wake Mistress.  I kind of hope it's a bracelet as I am kind of digging the idea of accessories to enhance my daily attire.



Now the part I am a bit ashamed to admit.  While I was digging through mounds of makeup, I decided I just had to wear some.  I picked a pink tinted lip balm and clear mascara.  After getting dressed in panties, black bra and inserts and another cocktail type dress, I put on my earrings, anklet and proceeded to the spare bathroom.  There I put on my mascara and lip balm.  I was regretting the lip balm and wished I picked a slutty lipstick color.

Now I sit here writing this post.  My head is spinning with submissive and very feminine feelings.  I am a hot mess.  My earrings moving every time my head moves, reminding me just how far down this rabbit hole I have gone.  I am flexing my sphincter trying to get that familiar feeling and I feel nothing.  I am realizing I haven't spilled one drop of cum in 17 days. And that I have only had one satisfying orgasm in the last 112 days and that one was 57 days ago.  No wonder I am such a hot mess.  By not focusing on my fantasies so much and just living in the moment, I am able to fully enjoy my submission.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Throwback Thursday

Old habits die hard.  Mistress and I went out with a friend last night for her birthday.  As a result I am a bit hungover today.  When I am hungover I am super horny and super submissive.   My intention this morning was to write a post about all the things I am fantasizing about.  I realized the error of my ways and and going to write about things since yesterdays post.  Living in the moment and appreciating it.

I left for work yesterday locked in chastity.  It was an uneventful day, but after being plugged for 4 hours in the previous 24 hours I still felt like I had something in my ass.  I came home and changed and Mistress and I met our friend.  We had some drinks and an appetizer while we all chatted.  We then went to another bar to meet another friend and grab some dinner.  I enjoyed being the one guy with 3 women.  Or friend commented on how Mistress and I are her 'relationship ideal'.  If she only knew we were in a Female Led relationship and that I was submissive to Mistress.

We came home and got ready for bed.  I put on my nighty and got into bed before Mistress.  When Mistress got into bed she started stroking my balls.  She commented that she didn't like this device as much as my other one because my cock is completely covered.  She like the device that goes through my piercing and covers the head and glans.  That was she can stroke my cock, but I can't get real pleasure out of it.  I assured her that I was being sufficiently teased with this device and that changing devices every few days was going to be the key to keeping me locked 24/7 indefinitely.  Mistress fell asleep teasing my cock.  It's the second time this week she has done that.  It's a beautiful way to fall asleep. 

This morning I woke up extra horny.  I plugged myself while still in my nighty.  I put on my shortest skirt, panties and a low cut blouse with a matching bra (tightened as much as possible).  Before I put my heels on I was wanting to up the ante somehow.  I went into my drawer in the bathroom.  If I remembered correctly I had a piece of womens jewelry in the drawer, but I wasn't sure if it was an anklet, bracelet, or clip on earrings.  It took a minute but I found a rhinestone anklet.  Perfect!  I added it to today's outfit and I feel just a tad more like a slut.  I don't think anklets are slutty, I think they are sexy.  However on a grown man wearing women's clothes, it makes me feel slutty.


That's the post for today.  In honor of the title of this blog post, I went back to the beginning and found a few hot posts.  Here they are.

Getting Caught Up - Sunday, January 9, 2011

Good scene - Monday, May 23, 2011

Things are going to change - Tuesday, January 3, 2012



Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Appreciating Things

The last few days have been interesting.  With me taking the focus off of my wants and needs and just focusing on the moment I have a new appreciation for slowing things down a bit.  One of my downfalls is that when Mistress steps up the D/s, I get excited and try to step it up even further.  This just creates stress and resentment for her.  For me I see her pull back and try even harder.  It doesn't work well.

Now that I have recognized it and have a plan to handle it, I am in a much better place and I think Mistress is too.  Appreciating how Mistress is now treating me and taking time to fully embrace my current situation is a welcome lesson. Since my goal is to now live in the moment, and to let Mistress lead me down the path she wants me to follow I have some inner peace.

Today is a perfect example.  I could certainly be writing about some of the dirtier thoughts I have been having.  I could be posting pictures of more and more extreme D/s activities, but then the experience isn't shared.  Instead of projecting ahead, I intend on writing about the current.  Here is my current.

This morning I woke up too early.  I tried to go back to sleep, but work stress and horniness kept me from doing so.  Instead of tossing and turning a couple hours I decided to get up, do a little work and make this blog post.  As I got up, I went to the bathroom.  For new readers of this blog, I am required to sleep in a nighty every night.  I don't take off my nighty until I have gone to the bathroom and weigh myself.  I am also pierced which means I have to sit and pee in all places that don't have urinals.  I am also currently locked in a chastity device that forces me to sit every time I need to pee.  There is something deliciously naughty about me having to pee sitting down while wearing a nighty.  After I weighed myself I put on my required squirt of perfume.  The perfume quickly hit my brain and instead of waiting until tonight to do my 2 hour daily butt plug assignment I decided to do it immediately.  I inserted the plug while bent over the bathtub looking down at my pink painted toenails.  It's getting easier to put in.  I felt like such a slut.

I proceeded into the extra bedroom where my feminine clothes are.  I put on a pair of panties, my bra on as tight as possible. I put in my silicone inserts and selected a little black dress.  I then put on my platform heels.  I tried to think of something else I could add to my wardrobe that would be an extra reminder of my situation.

So here I sit.  I'm in my office chair.  My ass is plugged for 2 hours for the second time in the last 12 hours.  My hole is a bit sore, but in a good way.  I can flex my sphincter and feel a sensation.  My cock is locked away.  My current lock up is a week with no end in sight.  I don't like wearing a device, it's a pain.  However I do love having access to my cock taken away from me 100% and wearing a device is an acceptable trade off for the experience.  My feet are a bit uncomfortable in my heels, but I like how the heels feel and how they make my legs look. Any discomfort is well worth it. I wish I could wear heels all the time.  My attire.  My little black dress makes me feel sexy and humiliated at the same time.  My bra and inserts are also a huge turn on for me right now.  As I type, my arms are rubbing against my extra large breasts.  I have an appreciation for the challenges breasts create, especially large ones.  So in my current state of mind, the challenges of a butt plug, chastity, heels, large breasts in a tight bra are exactly the kinds of things I love to endure.  The more challenging the better.

In closing, slowing down and enjoying my current situation is very rewarding.  I feel my attitude changing from wanting and needing to appreciating and wishing to please and serve my Mistress.  I am here to do as she wishes and to just enjoy the experience.  It's better for my submissive soul.




                   

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Feeling Feminine

Now that Mistress has started enforcing my feminine attire again I am in quite a mental state.  Add my chastity to the mix and I am very ramped up.  Also, now that I have refocused on living in the moment vs. fantasizing about what else Mistress can do to me, I am learning to embrace what is happening to me as it happens.

This morning I again chose a dress that you are more likely to find at a nightclub than at home or an office.  I am feeling very feminine and want to act out in a really slutty and shameless way.  What really changes how I feel is the massive bra inserts I am wearing.  They are heavy and they protrude obscenely.  I have had to tighten my bra quite a bit to hold them in.  When I walk, they shimmy, especially in my higher heels.  My dress is short, so short I have to keep pulling it down.  My head is spinning due to the way I an feeling. 

I didn't have time this morning to plug myself so when I get home for work, I will bend over the bathtub and put my large plug in my ass.  I will fantasize about Mistress forcing her cock in my ass after I just was on my knees sucking it.

The more I think about it I am reminded of something I have been seeing online.  It's called Bimbo Fetish or Bimbofication.  I like these 2 definitions.

1.  Bimbofication is a type of fetish and genre of fan art in which people are transformed into hypersexualized caricatures of themselves, typically featuring exaggerated secondary sexual characteristics.
2.  The process of transforming into an airheaded slut, perfectly happy to be used and degraded.

This is a good example of how I feel when I wake up, loaded with hormones.  Between my orgasm denial, perfume, butt plug and my feminine attire, I am yearning to be used and degraded.

Gotta run!  Busy day.







Monday, October 2, 2017

Back In A Dress & Chastity and Orgasm Tracking

With Mistress getting back into the groove, my libido is in overdrive.  I haven't had to wear anything overly feminine in over 3 weeks, so I decided to step it up a bit. Below is a picture of the dress I am currently wearing. 

 
I purposely made my outfit as restrictive as possible.  I decided to wear my highest heels and I tightened up the ankle straps so I can feel restricted.  I am also wearing a bra with my large silicone inserts.  I tightened the bra strap on it's tightest setting so that I can't ignore my situation.  My perfume is wafting into my nostrils and it's making me so horny.   If my cock wasn't locked up right now I would absolutely sneak a few strokes of my cock.  By choosing the equivalent of a cocktail dress I am erotically humiliated more than an office type outfit would make me feel.  When Mistress looks at me in it, I cringe just a bit (in a good way).  I am feeling very submissive and slutty today.

I ran some numbers that are more trivia than anything else.  I keep an online log of my days in chastity HERE and my orgasms HERE.  Since I started tracking my days in chastity, 2016 found me in chastity a total of 70 Days.  My longest stint in chastity was 29 days in December of 2015 to January 2016.  I spent another 2 weeks straight locked up that summer.  So far in 2017 my longest lockup was 16 days and I have been locked up a total of  47 days year-to-date.

As far as my orgasms go, 2017 is a relatively slow year, which is what I yearn for.  I have had 16 full orgasms and 2 ruined (not full).  I also went 72 days and 55 days straight without an orgasm.  By this time last year I had 22 full orgasms and 1 ruined.  In 2015 it was 30 orgasms.  So I am 6 orgasms behind last year and 14 behind 2015.  My current streak is interesting.  It's been 53 days since my last full orgasm but Mistress has ruined 2 since then.  Hot! 

The orgasms tracking doesn't tell the full story.  It doesn't track all the times we have sex and Mistress has multiple orgasms and I go without.  That would be fun to track as it would really drive home just how denied I am.  I would also love to track the orgasms Mistress has while I am at work, just to rub it in even further.

This morning as I was waking up, I fantasized about coming home to find Mistress in our bedroom with towels on the bed and a few toys out.  She would either tell me to strip or to put to on something feminine.  She would say to me "make me cum" and she would like back in the bed and my sole job is to make her cum as many times as she wants.  I get nothing other than the pleasure of serving her and making her satisfied.  My cock would stay locked up to ensure my focus was entirely on her.  When she was done with me she would tell me to clean up the room and to go make dinner.  I don;t know how to explain it, but being used that way would be so frustratingly satisfying.  A win-win in my book.

I have to run, but wanted to make a quick post as to my desire to serve Mistress and to make sure she is happy and satisfied.  My needs are secondary to hers. 

 



         



Sunday, October 1, 2017

Catching Up

My most recent post had me wondering f I was pushing too much for Mistress to dominate me.  It was a good post as it confirmed my suspicions and we got to talk about it.  This discussion was perfectly timed as we were about to head off on a vacation and it allowed us to reset a bit.

On our vacation we were so busy touring that we didn't have much time for intimacy.  We did have one hot night of sex that had a tone of D/s to it.  Mistress had me fuck her and use my fingers on her to make her cum.  She kept teasing, asking me if I wanted to cum.  I know she didn't want my post orgasm attitude and nether did I so I resisted as much as possible.  We did have some D/s banter going on.  Mistress mentioned how she would like me to cum more often, but wanted me aroused as quickly as possible to avoid the negative effects of me cumming.  I told her that 24/7 chastity as well as teasing and denial would certainly do the trick.  I think we also discussed me moving the cage into the spare bedroom, but that memory is a bit fuzzy.  I kept edging myself with Mistress' pussy and when I'd get close she would have me  pull out and use my fingers to make her cum.   Mistress kept teasing me about it in a way that I thought she was going to let me cum.  I started to thrust as to get myself even closer to the edge and I asked permission to cum.  She told me 'no' and if any spurted out I would be cleaning it up with my tongue.  It was too late.  I stopped before I could orgasm but a huge glob of cum had escaped from my cock.  Mistress felt it and told me to clean it up with my mouth.  I pulled my cock out and much to my dismay was a large white glistening glob of cum a bit more than a tablespoon.  It was a surprising amount of cum given that I did not orgasm.  The last thing I wanted to do right then was lick it up, but it had been over a week since Mistress did anything Domme'y and I was dying to prove that I would be her submissive on her terms.  After I cleaned up, I gave Mistress another orgasm and she was done with me at that point.

We finished our holiday without any mention of anything else D's related and we had an amazing trip.  On the flight back Mistress announced that she started her period.  She didn't mention me going into chastity so I took a day to think about whether or not I should be locking myself up as per our previous agreement or not.  The next morning I did lock myself back up.  I left the keys on the counter with a note asking her to hide the keys if she did want me locked up and to put the keys on my vanity if I was being too pushy and she didn't want me locked.  When I got home the keys were nowhere to be found.  Yay!

Since we got back there is been a combination of me feeling insecure in my submission as well as I wanted Mistress to lead me on her terms.  I didn't dress feminine all week and I resisted my perfume and such for the most part.  The perfume has such a powerful effect on me that I knew if I wore it I would be dressing feminine without her telling me to.  Mistress did have me plug myself one night and I really enjoyed the spontaneity of the order. 

Last night Mistress told me that she was going to start ruling over me again.  I get the feeling she is ready to test my limits.  She keeps talking about me sleeping n the cage.  I am to be plugged 2 hours a day, indefinitely as far as I know.  I am to have my toenails painted again.  I am to wear my nighties every night and I am to dress feminine every morning.  I casually mentioned the whole internet meme of Locktober.  She said I didn't have to worry about Locktober as I wasn't going to be unlocked anytime soon.  Hot! 

It didn't really hit me last night but when I woke up this morning I counted my blessings that Mistress is willing to enforce her will over me.  My morning libido was hagh based on Mistress comments last night.  I woke up and put on my perfume.  It's as powerful as I remember it.  I the plugged my ass.  I grabbed the nail polish and then went to the spare bedroom to pick out my feminine outfit for the morning.

In closing I am very excited to have Mistress bossing me around again.  I want everything to be on her terms and if I get pushy for her to nip in in the bud.  I want to thank Mistress for keeping me locked up, plugged, feminized and held accountable.  Mistress owns me and I pledge to obey her completely. 

   


Thursday, September 14, 2017

Figuring out a way to serve better.

I've had a hard time figuring out what to post the last couple of days.  With everything going on lately such as chastity, Mistress being much crueler the last couple times she has had me tied up, being called a slave and Mistress pushing me more has me in slave heaven.  That being said, I'm not 100% how much of this she enjoys and how much of it is just her accommodating me?  I have been thinking about this lately but didn't really know how to describe it.  Then, as fate would have it, I ran across a post this morning that hit home for me.  The post is called 'Mistakes men make'.  Now I don't know if this is happening or not, but I wanted to put it out there for discussion.  

This post is written about a new FLR (Female Led Relationship), but can certainly be for an existing one.  Here are a couple specific quotes that made me wonder about me.

"You want everything, and you want it right now.  You want to be brutally beaten, degraded, dehumanized, humiliated, emasculated.  You want the fantasy.

It’s understandable.  It really is.  I totally get it.

 But you get too eager, you want to move too fast, while she’s still unsure and insecure, and still wading her way through all of this newness.  You urge her on, you encourage her to do more, to dive deeper into it, you bound ahead of her, practically dragging her behind you.

An experienced Domme knows how to yank you back, slam you back where you belong, and give you a much-needed reality check.  But she’s not an experienced Domme.  She doesn’t know how to do that.  Moreover, she may not even realize she can.

Instead, she tries to keep up with you, tries to give you what you ask for.  But it’s exhausting.  She feels constant pressure to be something she’s not, because she hasn’t had the time or the freedom to let that part of her grow.

Soon, she’s not doing this because she wants it, anymore.  She’s doing this for you.  To please you.  But she feels like her wants and needs are being ignored, she certainly doesn’t feel Dominant, and the whole thing feels disingenuous.

And your encouragement and urging begins to feel like pressure.  She feels pressured to be what you want her to be.  That pressure kills her lust, kills her desire, and kills any interest she may have had in an FLR dynamic."

And

"But I mentioned that there are a couple of reasons why you’re wrong, a couple of reasons why you’re making such a horrible decision.  The other reason why this is a huge mistake is that, in your eagerness and enthusiasm, you forget one very, very, very, very important thing:  She is the Domme, you are the sub.  And the female-led relationship needs to be just that: A Female-Led Relationship."

Maybe I am just being insecure, but I can see this being me, as I have been accused of this in previous relationships.  With all of my recent posts, there has been a lot of things I have written about that I would like to have happen to me/us.  Mistress is good at this, and she is very encouraging for pretty much everything we do, but I know I ask for things she just isn't into that much.  I really would like to define what does and doesn't work for her.  Does having me follow a written checklist work for her? I think so, but I don't know.  Does having me dress feminine as much as I do please her as much as it pleases me?  I think so, but am not certain.  I think she likes having me in chastity, but how much?  While I enjoy having things done to me, that's the physical part of it.  However I am now at a point in my life and in our relationship that I want to submit myself in a way that serves Mistress much more than it serves me.  

Here are a couple quotes from her follow up post to Dommes with subs like me.

 Find some part of it that legitimately appeals to you, something that you think you’d enjoy doing in real life, in your relationship.

This will help you figure out the kind of Domme you want to be.  It’ll help you figure out your identity as a Dominant.

Next, read my Mistakes Men Make post, linked at the top of this article.  Be aware that your partner will very likely attempt the behaviors listed there, and be prepared to handle it.  Learn to recognize if he starts moving too quickly for your liking or becomes too focused on his needs.

Then, give yourself permission to be a bitch.  This is the single hardest thing you’ll have to overcome.  You’ll likely struggle with it, you’ll deal with guilt because it will seem overly selfish to you.

Yeah, that’s the point.

Granted, it’s grossly, hysterically oversimplified, but if you’re struggling with any particular situation, remind yourself that the whole point of a FemDom relationship is that you’re in charge.  It’s all about you.

Correcting your husband will be tough.  So start small.  Give him a chore or two that he has to do each day.  Something simple.  And should he forget or get distracted or whatever, punish him for it (make the punishment fit the crime.  Spanking him nonstop for 20 minutes because he forgot to take the trash out isn’t a reasonable thing to do).

Alternatively, give him a chore, supervise him, and become extremely controlling and micromanaging while he does the chore.

Doing the dishes is a good place to start.  Constantly give him instruction and correction.  Every detail.  Make shit up.  It doesn’t matter.

And make him listen and do what you tell him.

Will he find this exercise pleasant?  Probably not.  Who cares?  It’s not about him, anyway. 

And

  This will help you tremendously when your husband makes the kind of mistakes most men in his position make.  You’ll be more sure of yourself, you’ll feel more comfortable reining him in and bringing him to heel when he gets too far ahead or loses focus, and it’ll help him learn faster that he needs to take his cues from you, not his fantasies. 

Here is the link both posts - a full read is worth it.

Maybe I am wrong and Mistress loves everything we do, but I suspect there is more I can be doing for her.  I want that more than anything.  Maybe this post will help us get there.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Follow up - Checklist and Punishment

So I believe that Mistress has embraced the checklist I created.  She apparently has worked on some changes including some work related tasks to reduce my work stress.  I am still waiting to see what changes she has made and how she intends to implement it as well as how the punishments will be handled.


We did banter about it a bit last night.  I got the feeling that instant correction is not on her list.  I understand that.  I think a blend of instant correction (for serious infractions) and accumulated correction (for less serious or for training purposes) is ideal, but this is her decision.  In fact, that's what I like about it.  I gave her a blue print and she can choose to use it or not.  I am truly at her mercy and that's how I want it to be.

That being said I will continue to communicate my thoughts on the checklist and what I hope we can both gain from using it.

  There are certain tasks and requirements that I want to be 'set in stone'.  Those are the No Tolerance items and the Infractions section of the checklist.  In my mind the entire No Tolerance list should be marked with a Y or a W (for waived).  If even one item's box is blank on that day I have earned some degree of punishment.  These items are things that I believe are the bare minimum of things I must do.  A couple of them are meant to challenge me, such as PM femininity and keeping my toenail polish updated.  I have a real challenge coming home from the office early and getting dressed in feminine attire.  My libido is less in the afternoon so I have a hard time coming to terms with doing it even though deep down I want to.  That's the reason I put it on the list.  I hope Mistress keeps it on the list and enforces it.  As for the toenail polish, that's meant to be a nit-picky requirement.  I have been known to let my polish get ugly.  By having it on the list I have made it a priority for me to maintain it and Mistress to monitor compliance before it gets ugly.

The infraction section would work the same way.  If there is ever a Y in one of these boxes, I have earned a correction.  Technically these are No Tolerance items as well, but they are items that should not occur.

Lastly the "Optional Task" section.   I can easily see some items shifting to or from each section based on Mistress' desires, this was just a template.  I created this section to give more of a 'points' approach to the list.  Also many of these would depend on the type of day we had so I believe some flexibility was preferable.  In reality this list could be added to the No Tolerance section.  Mistress could require every single item on it to be done daily.  That would certainly make me take notice.  I would certainly feel more slave like if I couldn't choose to not do some of these items.        

Here is how I imagine this playing out on a day-to day basis.  Mistress will be the only one allowed to fill out the list.  I can even imagine of a few inspection periods throughout the day to ensure compliance.  I imagine the erotic humiliation of having to display my perfume, panties, butt plug, collar and toenails so those items can be checked off.  I imagine Mistress assigning a protocol.  Something as simple as kneeling and kissing each foot.  It would only take 10 seconds but it would set a tone for the day.  During the day, Mistress would complete the list as she saw fit.  Before bed, Mistress would complete the list and maybe that would be the bedtime protocol.  I would kneel at her feet while she completed the list.

As I wrote the previous few paragraphs something new came to mind.  Maybe the "Optional Tasks" section is the pleasure section while the other 2 sections are the obedience and punishment section.  While the other 2 sections have a punishment aspect to them and therefore my desire to have no leniency for them, the Optional Section could have a reward.  One carrot section and two stick sections.  I would have to earn a certain number of points per day/week/month to be rewarded with a bondage session that I like.  I imagine punishment sessions happening more or less weekly and reward sessions happening bi-weekly, monthly or when I have earned enough points.

In closing I want to let Mistress know that I am looking forward to this experiment.  I want Mistress to know that I am 100% bought into this and will do my best.  I will be challenged and will have to deal with some insecurities but I want Mistress to have the utmost confidence that this is what I really, really want.  For lack of a better term, I am begging that monitoring and enforcement will be very strict and punishments very real and very severe.  I don't know if I can cry, but that is the type punishment I expect to endure.  The fear I have felt over the last couple of sessions have made me melt with a desire to serve.  Additionally I want this to work for Mistress.  I want her to feel like I am providing true service to her.  None of this matters if her needs are not being met and if the reward for her is not worth her effort.  If anything needs to be changed, added or dropped to make Mistress happy than I am all for it.  She is my Goddess!





          

   

Monday, September 11, 2017

Checklist and Punishment

Yesterday I spent a good part of the day in subspace from the night before.  Mistress attitude and commentary as she tortured me still fresh in my mind.  I spent the morning in a maxi-dress and panties.  I was self conscious about it, but also excited to be dressed.  Mistress and I ran some errands and we came back home and just hung out.  I should have dressed femme again, but chickened out.  Stupid masculine side overriding my desires.

Mistress made a comment about putting me on a points system.  I love the idea.  I decided to take my overly active libido and start a checklist to get the ball rolling.  This is just a draft so that Mistress can customize it to her liking.  I imagine that we would have an accountability meeting on the following Saturday or Sunday as well as me posting my week online when complete.


There are 3 sections.  The first is Zero Tolerance.  If I were the dominant, this section would have immediate corrective action.  As soon as PM hit, any AM duties that were missed would be addressed.  At bedtime, any PM missed Zero Tolerance items would be addressed.  Now Mistress may just choose to wait to let me wonder about will happen or to see if I can self-correct.

The next section is Optional Tasks.  These are only optional in the sense that I have flexibility. This first draft has 15 items which I expect (hope) Mistress will add some additional ones (or take away ones that are too easy).  I imagine having to have something like 10 points a day from this section.  So in theory I could choose to not wear a bra or inserts, but that gives me a relatively easy 2 points a day.  I also can see Mistress making some of these items Zero Tolerance or making some of my zero tolerance items optional.

Last is the Infractions Section.  I can see this as either an immediate corrective action, or one that is cumulative.  To me this is the section I should be most concerned about.  The top 2 sections are a turn on for me, even if some of the items are 'work'.  Being 'forced' to do chores is hot to me.  This last section is where real life collides with the D/s life.  This section is where I need the most improvement, and I really want to be held accountable.  The more I can fix these behaviors, the more Mistress will feel like controlling me even more.

Some items to note.  I have added an AM and Bedtime Protocol.  We don't have this yet.  I imagine it's something like spending 5 minutes in the morning kneeling at Mistress feet while she drinks her coffee and ignores me while she is on her phone.  This would set the tone for the day.  At bedtime, I usually am ready for bed before Mistress.  I imagine I would be kneeling, waiting for her to come to bed before I am allowed in bed.  I don't know if these work for Mistress or not, but is just an idea.  Other ideas are kissing her feet.  Standing at attention like a butler or maid.  Giving her a foot massage at bedtime.  I am open to anything.

Also on this list is a mantra. A verbal sentence that I must commit to memory and be able to recite on command.  I can also imagine having to write it down 100's of times as punishment.  Something like "It is my duty to please, serve and obey Mistress (        ) at all times, in any way she desires." Or "I am a slave. Mistress (       ) owns my mind, body and soul."  I can imagine having to recite it between spankings or in the car, having to text it to Mistress.  I would like to have Mistress help me with a mantra she would like me to memorize.

Lastly, punishment.  I ran into a blog post yesterday about punishment.    It really spoke to me.  I was going to edit it to take out the ideas I don't want Mistress to know about, but  decided against it since that is the point of punishments.  I really like the psychological aspect of this post.    http://secretchastityhusband.blogspot.com/2012/10/i-came-across-very-interesting-blog.html   

And since I am on a roll with posting things I'd rather Mistress didn't see here is a video of a spanking I would like to try and endure someday.  I love how she sits on his back at the end.  A good way to stop squirming.     http://www.spankingtube.com/video/60848/punished-for-orgasms              

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Uh-Oh

Mistress appears to have taken my recent blog postings to heart.  Yesterday afternoon, we had another intense scene.

I went upstairs and get things ready.  I puled the bondage straps out from under the bed.  I put my wrist and ankle restraints on.  I pulled out several toys and striking implements so Mistress could decide what she wanted to use.  I put towels on the bed, put some music on and dimmed the lights.  I laid on the bed, blindfolded myself and tied 3 of my limbs to the bed straps.

Mistress came in the room.  She restrained my 4th limb and tightened the straps down TIGHT.  Mistress put 8-10 clothespins on my scrotum as well as clover nipple clamps on my nipples.  I had recently added the clover clamps to the toy drawer as the clothespins are not intense enough for me. Mistress stroked my cock while lecturing me about my recent attitude.  She continued lecturing me and telling me how things were going to go from now on as she pulled the clothespins off of my scrotum causing me to gasp.

Mistress added rubber bands to my upper thighs and proceeded to snap them.  Out of all the implements we have used so far, these leave the best marks.  I was fortunate that Mistress put 3-4 bands together.  Combined, the pain they created was less sharp than a single band.

Mistress would hit the insides of my thighs and when the pain got too much she would stroke my cock to bring me back to my desperate horny state.

I lost track of time as Mistress continued to alternate between torture and pleasure.  Mistress told me how she intends on taking me to a local drag queen event.  First to observe, with the goal of taking me out in public the next time we go.  The thought scares me to death but also excites me.  At some point I will end up being fully feminized in public.  

Mistress also talked about putting me on a points system.  The more I serve her, the quicker I get to have scenes I enjoy.  Mistress also told me that she was going to start holding me much more accountable and enforce punishments much, much quicker.  I assured her that I want to be held to the highest standard and am willing to pay dearly for not serving her well.  I need to be doing more around the house.  To me this means I need to be doing chores while Mistress relaxes on the couch.  I would like there to be a 'honey-do' list every day.  I would like Mistress to remember that I am wired differently.  Having a list of tasks and being held accountable to complete it would really reinforce our D/s dynamic. There will be some challenges and push back from me, as she pushes me harder, but we both know I will be more fulfilled the more totally I am controlled.

At one point Mistress climbed on my face with her facing my feet.  She planted her pussy on my mouth.  I licked her as furiously as I could.  I tried to reach her asshole with my tongue.  I probably went about this the wrong way.  My intention was to show her how much I want to orally serve her.  I want to be consumed by her pussy.  I want to earn the privilege to be allowed to put my tongue in her asshole.  What I think I did is I went too fast and it wasn't doing anything for her.  I really do want to casually spend an hour or more between her legs worshiping her pussy.

I believe I almost got fucked in the ass with a strap-on, but I think a wardrobe malfunction occurred so instead of an ass fucking Mistress just put the dildo in my ass.  I kept wishing it was bigger and deeper.   

I am guessing after about 30 minutes, Mistress removed one of the nipple clamps and immediately rubbed the nipple.  OMG!  It was probably the most painful thing she did to me all afternoon.  Which is surprising considering how many times she hit my balls, smacked the rubber bands and hit me hard with implements.  That was until she the took off the second nipple clamp and rubbed my nipple which again was intensely painful.  On a scale of 1-10, my nipples are still sore at a level 1.  I was hoping for a residual pain level of 5-6.   

The longer the scene went on, the more I confessed my total and complete surrender to Mistress.  I confessed that I have totally embraced chastity.  For years I have resisted it unless it was for entertainment purposes, but now I believe it is in my best interest to be locked 24/7 for the rest of my life.  Release should only be for Mistress' pleasure.  I also confessed I have now accepted my feminine side.  I truly believe I am more subservient when I am dressed, perfumed, erotically shamed, etc.  My bad attitude is when my masculine side tries to take over.  I begged Mistress to keep pushing my feminization so that I naturally choose feminine over masculine.  I need encouragement if not outright force in the afternoons and evenings, when my libido is lower, as deep down I want to be dressed.  I just need help getting me over my last bit of resistance.  Lastly I confessed how much I want to kneel at her feet.  I think this act alone is a very powerful one.  Much like a queen asks her subjects to 'bend the knee' to show they serve her, and her alone.  It might feel uncomfortable the first few times, but I would bet a large sum of money that she would get used to it and eventually love the symbolism of me kneeling before her.  I would go into subspace very quickly with just this act alone.  It also a good position to orally pleasure her.

Mistress mounted my cock and rode me.  I really thought she was going to make me cum inside her and them make me clean her out. but she had other ideas.  We are going on a long trip soon.  I tend to get stressed and snarky when we travel and having an orgasm would just increase the chance for me to have a bad attitude.  I was to have no orgasm.  Instead Mistress gave me some instructions for the week.  I am to continue to stay in chastity until we leave and had to lock myself up the second we got done.  I hope she intends to keep me locked until the morning of our trip and not release me the night before.  I truly don't want kindness and mercy.  I am also required to wear my largest butt plug for 2 hours every day until we leave (I am wearing it now).  That being said, I believe I should wear it on the morning of our trip as well.  She also mentioned that we would be having another intense scene as a preventative measure at the end of the week.  That way when I get stressed and snarky she can remind me of what will happen if I don't change my attitude.  I am wishing we have a 'daily lesson' so to speak.  

Mistress managed to edge and beat me until I was a mass of submissive putty.  I don't think there was anything I wouldn't have done at that point.  She owned me.

Before Mistress untied me I asked her if I could add a few tasks to myself that I knew I would regret.  She indulged me.  I asked to wear my bikini in out hot tub.  She told me that I could.  I also asked to wear something slutty the rest of the night and she told me no.  I asked if I could wear pink leggings and a pink camisole and she said I could.

Mistress then untied one of my limbs  She told me to untie myself and that I would now be pleasuring her.  She ran off to the bathroom while I untied myself.  I was in such a state of subspace and pure desire to serve that I untied myself and knelt on the bed awaiting her arrival.  I was still wearing my blindfold and restraints.  Mistress came back from the bathroom and laid on the bed.  She told me to use my fingers inside her.  I begged to be allowed to go down on her first.  She told me 'no'.  I am pretty sure it's because she just went to the bathroom, but I knew that.  I really wanted to lick the remaining drops of piss from her pussy.  I can't think of a more submissive way to express my true desire and devotion than to do such an act.  It is also deep rooted in my brain as it goes back to my very first submissive fantasies I had as a pre-teen.

I obeyed Mistress and started to put my fingers in Mistress and instead she changed her and and told me to fuck her.  I did, much better than I expected but still was on the edge fast.  I then made her cum several times and she squirted quite a bit.  This made me want to grab a glass and catch her juices and drink them up.  She made me fuck her again.  This time I got too close to the edge.  I should have dribbled, but somehow did not.  Mistress was not having any more of that.  She had me make her cum a few more times and then she announced she was done.  I was disappointed as I didn't want this feeling to end.  Ever.

She had me clean up the room and put everything away.  I hate having to clean up after a scene, but being made to do so put me in the right frame of mind.  I am a slave and I don't get to decide what I want to do.  We then went to the hot tub. I was wearing my bikini.  If any of our neighbors were outside paying attention, there could have been 3-4 that could have seen me.  I was in such sub-space that I really didn't care.  I could see that becoming a new requirement.  Sitting in a hot tub in a bikini is way naughtier than being nude.  The feminine reinforcement is powerful.  

The bottom half of my bikini

After the hot tub, I did put on my pink leggings and camisole and made us dinner.  Mistress did a great job of reminding me of my outfit and my position as her slave.  I forgot to wear my butt plug when we got out of the hot tub.  I am fortunate Mistress reminded me as I was able to put it in at bedtime and sleep with it in for a few hours.  If I were her, I would have let me fail so I could have punished me for it.  I'm mean like that.  

At bedtime I thanked Mistress for her abuse.  I also encouraged her to keep at it.  This morning as I write this I am encouraged where this is heading.  I am still in pretty strong sub-space and am willing to do absolutely anything.  Mistress has now had a couple scenes where she has shown an ability to be mean.  I am truly scared of disobeying which is something I can only say a few times not only in this relationship but in my entire life.  I want to live in a certain state of fear because that fear is what will get me through my resistance and disobedience.  Fear will free me.

                 

        

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Femininity, Chastity and Public Humiliation

I am just a mess of hormones, submissiveness and desire.  Today is Saturday and Mistress doesn't make me dress feminine on the weekends 😓, but I do have to wear my perfume and women's deodorant.   That being said, I just couldn't help it.  I was drawn into the spare bedroom and found something feminine but casual.  I put on a skort I have never worn before and a low cut top.  I am slowly getting more and more comfortable being dressed.  It excites the hell out of me to feel I can't help it.

Chastity - I am still locked and enjoying the helplessness.  Mistress offered to let me out of my device to clean up.  I assured her that with all of my devices I can clean myself.  Over the years I have learned to shave and clean around my devices.  Some are more difficult than others, but am not one of those guys that need to be released for hygiene purposes.  No matter how clean a device is, after urination it's no longer clean.

Public humiliation - There are many blog posts here where I fantasize about some public humiliation.   Mistress and I saw something last night that brought it up to the forefront of my mind.  We had to go to the mall which is something we rarely do.  When we were leaving there was a couple walking toward us.  The female half of this couple was wearing ankle boot, jeans, and a top that as tight as any top I have ever seen in public, possibly even a size too small.  Now that I think about it, the way it was tucked in, it was likely a body suit.  What stuck out (no pun intended) were her nipples.  She didn't have large breasts, but she did have some protruding nipple, and she clearly wasn't wearing a bra. This is the closest approximation that I could find online.


Her shirt was a bit thicker as you wouldn't see any hint of areola, but here she was walking through a department store with her nipples on display for all.  What struck me is that she wasn't doing this to show off.  She seemed ashamed.  She didn't look up into anyone's eyes.  My mind eventually assumed this was some sort of game she and her man were playing, and I am inclined to believe a D/s game.  If she was an exhibitionist I believe she would have been trying to make eye contact.  Since she seemed to avoid it I believe it was a public humiliation outing.  And I was jealous!  

We didn't hang out or follow them to see what the deal was.  It took us a few minutes to grasp what we saw, but I wish we would have observed a bit longer.  Like I said, I was jealous.  I tried to imagine my own public shaming.  Now I too could get my nipples super stiff and wear a tight shirt, but I don't think I would be too ashamed.  Maybe wearing a bra under a thicker shirt and made to walk through the mall.  Everyone would think I just had large man boobs, but in my paranoid mind, they would all just know I was wearing a bra.  Or painting my fingernails a bright shade of red, and walking through several stores through the mall.  Mistress wouldn't let me put my hands in my pocket.  Likely, no one would notice but I would be terrified.  Using the shocking dog collar in public.  Mistress would take me to a strip bar with me in my heavy steel chastity device and would make me wear heavy perfume.  She would get me a lap dance and the stripper would comment on both my perfume and my device as she rubbed her butt against it.  Wearing a woman's button up shirt in public.  Wearing nylon or fishnet socks with no male socks.  Forced to cum in my pants and walk around with it.   Wearing makeup in public.  Kissing Mistress feet in public.  All of these ideas horrify me, but turn me on at the same time.           

Lastly, I have to work a few hours today.  I fantasize about Mistress masturbating a few time and texting me each time she has an orgasm.  Or Mistress texts me pics, words, or screen shots of things she knows will get me all worked up.



Friday, September 8, 2017

Going to my happy place

When I am stressed, sick, or in some other distress, I have have a coping mechanism that I call 'going to my happy place'.  My happy place is anything D/s related that takes my mind off of what is stressing me our or making me feel sick.  Lately I have had a ton of work related stress.  I will wake up in the middle of the night and am unable to go back to sleep.  Sometimes I can lie awake for hours, stressing.  Last night I woke up and started to stress again.  I decided I wasn't going to let that happen so I tried going to my happy place.

I started thinking about my current state of being in chastity 24/7 for 10 days now.  Last night Mistress had stated we needed to make time for a torture session soon.  My mind drifted to recent blog posts about being meaner.  My random thoughts we not enough and my mind kept drifting back to work stresses.  I had to try something new.  I came up with a version of kinky 'counting sheep'.

I decided to go from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet and think of all the things that could be done to my body in a D/s kind of way.  Here's how it went to the best of my ability to recall.  Some of this may be more extreme than expected due to my darker nature depending on stress levels.

Head - A wig. My full leather bondage hood, laced tightly and left on for hours.



Eyes - Blindfolds.  Eye makeup.  Clear mascara in public.



Ears - Clip on earrings worn around the house at all times.  White noise being pumped into my ears through headphones for sensory deprivation.  Clothespins on earlobes.

Nose - Forced smelling.  Mouth taped shut and nose clamped for breath play.  Nose hook for humiliation.



Mouth - Ball gag.  Penis gag.  Dildo Gag.  Ring gag, used to put things in my mouth like cum, spit, piss, lemon juice, etc.  Bar of ivory soap in mouth for being lippy or talking back.  Throat fucking.  Lipstick.  Clothespin on tongue.  Lot's of oral sex for Mistress.  Licking Mistress' asshole.  Being forced to lick my cum from a plate.


Face - Face slapping.  Full Makeup. Duct tape to gag mouth shut (with dirty panties in my mouth).

Neck - My wire collar. Locking leather collar.  Posture Collar.  Choking.  Feminine choker worn at home.  Rope around the neck.  Wrists tied to neck.  Women's necklace.    


Chest/Nipples - Pierced again.  Bra.  Silicone bra Inserts.  Nipple clamps.  Sand paper on nipples, rubbed raw. Icy hot on nipples.  Suction cups on nipples until bruised.  Needle play.  Clothespin zipper.


Arms/wrists/hands - locking cuffs worn at home.  Handcuffed as much as possible.  Feminine bracelet.  Nail polish.  Fake nails on weekends.  Feminine rings.  Shaved armpits.  

Torso - Shaved at all times. More suction cup bruises.  Wearing a corset a few hours every week.  Mistress takes me out with a tightly laced corset on under my clothes.  Rubber band bruises. Permanent marker with humiliating things written on me.  Tramp stamp on back.  

Yes, this is me.
Cock and Balls - Never ending chastity.  Forced orgasm while in chastity  Balls tied to ankles and feet tickled.  Icy hot or similar applied to cock and balls.  Urethral sounds.  Humbler with electricity.  Shocking dog collar on balls.  Hair plucking when I go too long without shaving.  Hot wax.   Acrylic ball crusher (edge me until I am about to cum and then tighten the screws).  Apply numbing cream and a condom before fucking Mistress so I can last longer.  It's amazing how much you can crush balls without damaging them.

Yes, this is me too.
Ass - A beating until I use my safeword (and then some more).  Icy hot on asshole.  Plugged more often.  Fucking machine for a long slow ass fucking (lube continuously applied to make it last until I am begging for it to stop.) Enemas.  Strap on.  Buy a suction cup dildo for self torture.  E-stim butt plug.  

Legs - Shaved at all times - Thigh high stockings. Rubber band bruises.  Being tied until legs start shaking.  More permanent marker.

Knees - kneeling in front of Mistress.  Must kneel at my computer when I am writing my blog or looking at porn.  Kneeling on rice.  Forced kneeling as punishment.



Feet - Nail polish at all times.  High heels worn at home.  Feminine toe rings.  Forced to stand on spiked mat.  Women's socks at work.  Grains of rice added to the inside of my heels or in socks at work.  Must come home with same number of grains of rice.  Caning or using a leather strap on the bottom of the feet (also known as bastinado).

 

Shortly after this mental excersize I was able to fall asleep.  It's funny how my twisted little brain works.