Friday, June 29, 2012

Realization - I can't manipulate like I used to

Posted on Fetlife

I have spent a majority of my adult life trying to get women to dominate me sexually.  I have had mild temporary successes, but after some time things go awry.  If I wasn’t getting dominated, I would retreat, and when I retreated, my partners would try to use D/s as a tool to get me back into the relationship.  It would work, but because the dynamic was manipulated, it was temporary.  Eventually it became a downward spiral to where nothing worked.  On the way down there would be attempts to bring D/s back into the relationship, but it was always temporary and eventually failed

My current partner won’t put up with my withdrawal.  If I withdraw, she calls me out on it.  She doesn’t allow me to manipulate D/s out of her.  She then puts verbal pressure on me to be a partner in the relationship and tells me the only way I will get what she wants is to give her what she wants.  I am stubborn by nature, however my need for kink always draws me back in.  By her not allowing me to withdraw and let our relationship spiral out of control, she waits for me to come back and express my needs.  When I do she tells me I can have whatever I want, I just need to do the few little things that make her happy.  She’s right.  It’s easier to do what she wants and in turn I get my needs met.  I wish my brain could connect those 2 when I am not feeling submissive and not let me screw things up.  I’m very fortunate to have found someone that can push through my BS.

Friday, June 1, 2012


For my birthday, MBB tied me up and used me well.  It felt insanely good to be restrained and vulnerable.  For too long now I haven't been made to feel helpless and vulnerable.  I think not being vulnerable more often allows me to revert back to being a "macho" asshole.  Now MBB didn't really hurt me at all on my birthday, but she certainly could have if she wanted to.  Knowing that in the back of my mind caused me to realize how far I have strayed away from D/s over the last few months and how important it is to me.

Now I have a hard time being "submissive" a lot of the time.  I'm not a submissive person by nature or do I have any desire to "serve", but I am such a sexual submissive that my kinks can certainly be directed in such a manner as to make me submissive in ways that I am not naturally.  Being tied up, hurt, made to dress up, humiliated, mind fucked, ass fucked, all those things seem to do something to realign my well being.  From just what we did on Wednesday night, has me engaged again.  It makes me want to be close, to please, to make life easier for my Mistress.  It also has my mind running wild with naughty thoughts and possibilities.

I have had such a long time in my life where I have not had a partner that could get into dominating me.  I keep forgetting that I have a partner now that does enjoy dominating me and who could really get into making me her "bitch".  I find myself reverting to old ways and there is no reason for me to do so.  I need to remember if I do things to please my Mistress, she will make sure to reward me by ruling over me and doing unspeakable things to me.

I guess this post it to let her know how giddy I feel inside about having my partner, lover, best friend and Mistress back.  It's also to let her know I have punishments to pay and am open to whatever they may be.