Wife Away Day 5

 It's Monday and while I work, I work a desk job at home.  Much less physical labor than I had this weekend so I was a little more rested.

I am going through all of my feminine clothes.  My goal is to wear everything at least once.  I spent most of the day in a padded lace bralette and pink panties.  I also painted my fingernails and toenails in 2 coats of shiny clear polish.  I wanted to do pink on my toenails but will be wearing flip-flops all week.  I can't wait for cooler weather to be able to look down and see hot pink toenails.  

Today was also a chastity check.  The app that held the code to the safe was revealed to me.  I removed the cage of my device and left the base ring on.  Everything looked good so I went to plan B.  A quick tease and lock up.  I set up a metronome app with a very slow 60 beats per minute.  I set a time for 5 minutes.  I put a nitrile glove on my right and I then lubed up my cock and hand so everything was super slippery.  Once I was hard, I started the timer and stood in front of the full-length wardrobe mirror.   On the mirror, I attached a suction cup dildo about 8 inches in length and 2 inches in diameter at the height of my mouth.  I began to stroke my cock, one second up, one second down, one second up, one second down.  As I did this I sucked the dildo at the same pace.  One second in one second out, one second in, one second out.  

What I wished was happening

I foolishly assumed that 60 beats a minute would be far too slow and would just tease me.  I was very wrong.  By the 3-minute mark, I was going deeper on the silicone cock and between the stroking and the cock hitting my gag reflex, I was on the edge.  I stopped and adjusted the metronome to 40 beats per minute.  This allowed me to last another 90 seconds before I was on the edge again.  I stopped stroking my cock but kept the rhythm with the cock in my mouth.  

Once the time went off, I cleaned the excess lube off of my cock.  I tossed the glove and put the cage back on my chastity device.  I went into the app and had to give me a new code.  I then read several random 4-digit codes and forgot the number I put in within 15 seconds.  I'm locked until the day Mistress gets home, 4 days from now.

At bedtime, I decided to use my non-vibrating prostate massager to see if I could cum with anal stimulation alone.  I never got to where I thought I could cum, so I grabbed my cage and pushed it back and forth.  I instantly believed that the motion in combination with the prostate massager could give me an orgasm.  I was right.  Within 60 seconds I could feel an orgasm coming.  It wasn't because of any friction on my cock.  My device doesn't allow for that.  I believe my brain confused the motion of the cage with actual stroking.  Combining that with the anal stimulation and the fact I haven't released a drop of cum in 90+ days, I managed to have a mini-orgasm with a little bit of cum release.  It was enough of a release that I had a post-orgasm letdown.  If I had access to the key on my chastity device I would have let myself out for the night. I skipped wearing a nighty which I should not have done.

By 5 A.M. I was back to normal thanks to my cock still being locked.  It's impossible for me to lose my horny edge for very long when I am locked up and don't have access to the key.  Enforced chastity keeps me on my toes.

Mistress is set to return in a few days.  My focus is going to shift from playing games with myself to doing the chores I have promised to do, with a few kinks added along the way.  As I type, this I am wearing black pantyhose and my legs are belted tightly together.  I am in this position until a loan of towels is ready to be moved from the washer to the dryer.       

Wife Away Days 3 & 4

I had planned on quite a bit of naughtiness this weekend, but not much happened.  I had a project come up that I was hoping I could put off.  Instead, it needed to be done this weekend.  I spent 5 hours on both Saturday and Sunday mornings in the hot Friday sun working away.  By the time I got done each day, I got cool and relaxed, but I was so exhausted that kink was far back in my mind.  

I'm still locked in chastity and I am wearing my wire collar. I spray perfume on a couple times a day as that keeps my mind in a sissy state.  I will be doing a bunch of household chores this week to have the house sparking before Mistress gets home.  

Wife Away Day 2

 Day 2 (Friday) - I spent the day working and besides being locked in chastity and collared, not much happened until bedtime.  Now was the time I got to test out my self-bondage scenario.

I got my leg restraints set up.  I got the metal handcuffs into position.  I put on pink panties and a frilly white T-shirt.  I sprayed women's perfume on my neck and chest.  I love connecting the smell of my women's perfume to D/s activities.   I then plugged my ass with a vibrating prostate massager.  Once I was all set up, I grabbed the ice lock and hung it above my head and where my hands would be when the key dropped into place.  I then attached it to a cabinet handle about 5 feet away.  This kept the ice cube with the key frozen in it about 2 feet away from my hands.  I hurriedly lay on the bed.  I wanted to make sure I got myself tied before the ice melted.  I used as little ice as I felt I could to keep my session short, but still be long enough to feel truly helpless. 

I cuffed my ankles, one to each corner of the bed.  My legs were spread as far as I could possibly do them.  I then laid back and turned on the vibrating prostate massager.  I chose a start-stop pattern to keep from going numb due to a constant vibration as well as to make it so I was frustrated by the stopping.  I then clamped my nipples with a pair of clover-style nipple clamps.  It was now or never.

I cuffed my hands together in front of me and I then lifted my hands above my head to a firm attachment point.  I had previously attached another cuff here.  I took a deep breath and cuffed the middle of my handcuffs to the existing cuff.  As I heard the rachet in the cuff click, my fate was sealed.  My cock got hard instantly knowing that I was unable to escape.

After a minute or 2, the reality set in.  I announced out loud what a horny little slut I am.  How desperate I am to be treated like a slave.  How I want to be locked in chastity forever.  How I never want to cum again.  How I want to have my ass plugged all the time.  I focused on the vibrating prostate massager.  I kept tightening my Kegels to try and add additional stimulation to my prostate.  I got more sensation, but the changing pattern kept me from getting too much stimulation.

I was tied tighter than I planned.  I could only shift up or down about 4 inches. I would move down on the bed to allow my legs to bend a bit so that I could try and get more anal stimulation.  That caused my shoulders to get stiff as well as make my chest more taut, causing my clamps to dig deeper into my nipples.

If I raised myself higher on the bed, it took the strain off my shoulders and nipples, but my hips then took the strain and I couldn't feel the massager as much.  

After 9 minutes I was already frustrated.  I could see the ice lock was going to last longer than the 15-20 minutes I expected.  After 20 minutes I was bored, but also turned on by my situation.  I laughed out loud at how pathetic I can be when I get like this.  I kept trying to flex my Kegel's to try and get more stimulation.  It was a losing battle.  I imagined Mistress tying me up in this exact scenario and leaving me for hours on end.  Bored, but sexually frustrated.  

Finally, after 40 minutes, the ice melted enough for the key to drop into my hands!  But not so fast.  While I practiced and practiced unlocking the cuffs in this position, I didn't take into account the fatigue of my shoulder muscles.  What should have taken 30 seconds wasn't working.  I kept myself calm and just kept at it.  After 3-4 tense minutes I was able to unlock myself.  

My shoulders were in pain as I lowered them to unlock my legs.  I got out of bed and my legs wobbled due to being spread so far and me flexing my hips for 40 minutes. I removed the massager from my ass.  I always hate that empty feeling of removing a plug.  Lastly, I removed the clover nipple clamps.  They had depressed my skin so much that removing them was not as easy as just taking them off. As blood rushed back into my nipple I gasped in pain.  A quick rub of my nipples shot additional pain through my chest. I was exhausted, but even more horny than when I started.  I cleaned up and changed into a nighty and went to bed.

Wife Away Day One

 I took Mistress to the airport early.  On my way home I ran a couple of errands.  I picked up some super cheap vanilla body spray as well as a pack of cheap but comfortable panties that work well with my chastity device.  

As soon as I got home I gave myself 10 hard whacks on each ass cheek with the heavy rubber "ugly stick".  A little punishment for being such a bad boy.  With a red ass, I jumped into the shower to shave my chest, cock, and balls so that I could go into chastity.  When I got out of the shower I put on my device.  I then took all of the extra chastity keys and the Hitachi vibrator and put them in the safe.  It's not a fancy safe, it's one like you get in a hotel room.  Once I shut the door I went into the Chaster app (look it up if you don't know what it is).  I created a lock that was to last just shy of 4 days.  Mistress is gone for 8 days, but I wanted to have a safety net halfway through if something goes wrong.  I have no backup plan other than to drill out the lock. If all is going well I will add antoher 4 days. I didn't make the lock public or add any embellishments.  I just need to be locked.  I put the code into the safe and then scrambled my brain with a ton of other 4 digit codes.  I had forgotten the code in less than 30 seconds.  I really hope I put in the right code.  I then put a handcuff key in a container, filled it with water, and put it in the freezer.  I was going to test an ice lock for self-bondage later that night.

I worked for the rest of the day as I had a lot to do.  After work, I plugged my ass with my large butt plug.  It's been over a year since I had that beast inside me.  I am out of practice.  I left it in for a couple of hours while getting dinner ready and feeding the dog.  It was during this time I practiced with the ice lock.  I hung a string with the frozen block with the key in it directly above where my hands would be cuffed above my head.  I then took another string and tied it away from the bed.  This block was also attached to the ice.  The plan is that when the ice melts almost completely the key will be released and will swing so that I can reach it and uncuff myself. While timing the ice, I painted my fingernails and toenails clear.  I wanted to paint my toenails pink but I will be barefoot in a couple of days with some people of influence.  After Sunday I will repaint them if I can. 

Similar to what I did. 

Thank goodness I tested it.  The ice was about 2 inches by 3 inches and it took almost 5 hours to release the key.  I would have been miserable had I not tested it.  I practiced tying myself the way I would eventually do this.  My ankles were tied in pink leather cuffs, spread wide apart. I had my panties on over my chastity device and a white camisole pushed down over my nipples so that I could add some clover nipple clamps.  I actually did cuff my hands above my head and if I didn't have keys with me I would have spent 90+ minutes tied like that.  I also discovered a way to free myself that I vowed to eliminate when I do this for real.  I wish I had my Hitachi hooked up to the timer.  One for one minute, off for 2-3.  Edging over and over again until the ice melted.  I locked it up because I knew at some point I would edge too much and lose this incredible feeling I have of being denied.

Since I could like and untie myself at will I practiced other variables while I timed the ice lock.  I put my prostate massager in and retired myself.  I kept flexing my Kegels and thought for sure I was going to cum.  I was so sure I untied myself and manually used the massager, but I didn't quite get there.  

At this point it was late, I was exhausted from all of the different ways of testing so I put on my sluttiest nighty and went to bed.  Note to self, smaller ice blocks moving forward.

Mistress Going Out Of Town

 Mistress is going out of town soon to handle some family matters at the end of the week and she'll be gone for a week. Not only do we live together, but we also work together, so we are together 24/7 day in and day out.  The most time we spend apart is an hour here and there.  So her being gone, will be an unusual amount of time apart.

When Mistress does leave, I have some time to do some playing by myself.  This includes some additional feminization, playing with some toys I rarely ever play with, self-bondage, lots of edging, and because I can't control myself, I end up overstimulating myself and have a few unauthorized orgasms. It's been over 12 weeks since my last orgasm and I don't want to ruin my orgasm-free streak.  Being orgasm free has helped me stay in service mode. While I want to play, I also need to take some precautions to make sure I can't accidentally cum while Mistress is away.  

Here is what I have planned so far and am open to any ideas from my audience.

• Locking myself in chastity if Mistress doesn't lock me up. 
• Locking the keys in a small safe and using an app to hide the combination for a week
• Locking the Hitachi vibrator in the safe as well.  I can cum in chastity with the Hitachi 
• Toenails painted - debating between pink or blue
• Fingernails painted clear
• Something in my ass for a minimum of an hour a day. Plug, dildo, prostate massager, ginger root
• Lot's of time wearing nipple clamps
• Feminine attire in the house the entire time
• At least one several-hour self-bondage session
• At least one predicament self-bondage session
• At least one deep-throat practice session
• Daily line writing
• Attempt to have an anal orgasm since I won't be able to cum normally
• One self-spanking session - day one or 2 as I intend to leave marks on my body
• Chores. When Mistress returns home, the house will sparkle from top to bottom.  My goal is to show her how clean I can keep the house if she keeps encouraging me.
• Collared the entire time
• Daily update of my activities here on my blog

Thank you to everyone who has been leaving comments on my blog.  It helps motivate me to keep posting.

The Submissive Paradox

I have learned a lot about my submissive side over the last 10 months.  Here is where I have failed over the last 30+ years of being a submissive. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.  That's a problem if one wants to be in a true female-led relationship  The only one that should be able to have cake and eat it, is Mistress. The slave gets only what Mistress wants the slave to have.  I tried to make it about me more than her.

This leads me to what Mistress Scarlet https://msscarletuk.wordpress.com/ calls the Submissive Paradox.  Here is the absolute best explanation that I have finally (after 35 years) come to understand and accept.  I underlined the sections that really speak to me

‘If you love your submissive and you wish to be kind to your submissive and have him sleep the most sound and contented sleep they can ever know, then the saying -‘you have to be cruel to be kind’, is the mantra by which you must live. 

The deeply submissive is a paradox. They need to feel helplessly in the control of another. That entails feeling that they are treated unfairly when it comes to things like the allocation of chores and leisure time. It means they have to be genuinely very fearful and frightened of the punishments that are given in response to infractions. It also means they have to be subjected to pain and humiliation that they do not enjoy. It is only when they are genuinely fearful of punishment for infractions and when they suffer pain and humiliation and unfairness they genuinely would rather not experience, that they feel truly controlled and in the helpless power of another. And without feeling truly controlled and in the helpless power of another, they can NEVER be wholly content with their lives. 

So real love and kindness for a true submissive does not mean going easy on them in any way, or being fair with them – that causes discontent and unhappiness and is not being kind.

In turn, the dominant woman is hooked on the addictive and arousing drug of using and abusing real power, over her male.

That's the paradox. Being cruel is being nice.  That doesn't mean 24/7 whip-wielding. Mistress can be nice, kind, and helpful when she wants to be, but also needs to be truly cruel for the submissive to feel loved and contented. Also, being cruel in a way the submissive wants is counter-productive.  This has been my problem for years. Wanting to be dominated my way and not realizing it didn't work for Mistress means it really wasn't working for me.  Here are some day-to-day examples of the paradox when I think of how it affects me.

Orgasm Control - I want to cum when I want to cum. When Mistress controls and denies my orgasms, I don't really like it. Unfortunately, that's when I get immensely turned on.  Being submissive means that the more my orgasms are controlled the more I am in awe of Mistress.  Orgasm control doesn't necessarily mean denial, it just means that I don't have a say in it.  On the flip side, being forced to orgasm multiple times until it's impossible to cum is another form of control.

Chastity - Chastity isn't just about orgasm control, it's about total control.  Being locked and having Mistress mostly ignore it shouldn't be arousing, but it is.  This is especially true now with my new perspective and I can see being locked 99.9% of the time for the rest of my life.  If I ever ask or beg to be unlocked, denying that request seems cruel but it's not. It’s kind based on the Submissive Paradox.  I am pretty good on the honor system, but not good enough.  

Chores - Chores have to be done.  That's what happens in relationships. Many would say that equal distribution of chores is necessary for a healthy relationship.  The Submissive Paradox says otherwise. The more unequal the chores are, the better it is for the Mistress/Slave dynamic.  Don't misunderstand this.  I don't want to do more chores and I don't enjoy them, but something happens inside my brain when Mistress makes me do chores. The idea of an endless list of chores is overwhelming and therefore powerful. Making the chores more difficult or humiliating makes them worse and therefore makes it better.   

Personal Service - In this relationship, Mistress should think of herself as a ruler of her kingdom (like Cleopatra) and me as just one of her lowly slaves. Waking Mistress up as she wishes to be woken.  Coffee service in the morning (me handing it to her).  Holding doors. Pedicures at her feet. Turning down her bed in the evening. Serving her drinks during the day. Fetching things for her that she could easily get for herself, but increases the dynamic.  The list of personal services is never-ending and I should be doing as many as Mistress wishes.

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Feminization - The only hair on my body are my eyebrows.  I wear a nighty every night. Most nights I am good with it, but some nights I feel silly and not manly.  It's these nights where the nighty is the most powerful.  Wearing panties is the same story.  I used to occasionally wear female deodorant and now it's all I ever wear.  Nail polish is one of those things that can’t be removed easily and is a constant reminder. All of these things create some level of humiliation which again, explains the Submissive Paradox.  Mistress recently threatened me with feminization while I clean and that makes me blush with shame but also makes me in awe of her for making me endure it.  The more feminization I endure the less in control I am and the more  I want to obey. 

Punishment - It's been a very long time since I have been punished.  Also, I don't know that I have ever been truly punished by Mistress (other than stopping D/s activities).  Without the Submissive Paradox, a true and proper beating seems abusive.  With the Submissive Paradox, a beating where I am truly begging for it to end and fearing it ever being repeated would be deeply effective and arousing.  I don’t want to be punished but I want to truly fear Mistress so that I have no choice but to obey. Punishment doesn’t have to be a beating either. Removal of privileges. Punishments you’d give a child or teenager.  The list is extensive.

Mind-Fuckery - The Submissive Paradox really shines here. Fucking with a slaves mind just for the sake of it. Taking something that they find pleasurable and making it unpleasurable. Pushing them slighly further than they think they can take. Punishing for absolutely no reason. Turning a funishment into a punishment.  Making him do a chore over that he just did. Creating a task that serves no purpose other than to fuck with the submissive. Leaving a mess just to have the slave clean it up. I think of it as bullying. Having to suck it up while being treated unfairly would suck, but it would also push all sorts of buttons inside me.  Again, it’s the Submissive Paradox.

I’d love your opinion on this post.  As a submissive do you feel the same way?  As a dominant, does it make sense?  If you’re vanilla and somehow reading this, what are your thoughts?e