The Submissive Paradox

I have learned a lot about my submissive side over the last 10 months.  Here is where I have failed over the last 30+ years of being a submissive. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.  That's a problem if one wants to be in a true female-led relationship  The only one that should be able to have cake and eat it, is Mistress. The slave gets only what Mistress wants the slave to have.  I tried to make it about me more than her.

This leads me to what Mistress Scarlet https://msscarletuk.wordpress.com/ calls the Submissive Paradox.  Here is the absolute best explanation that I have finally (after 35 years) come to understand and accept.  I underlined the sections that really speak to me

‘If you love your submissive and you wish to be kind to your submissive and have him sleep the most sound and contented sleep they can ever know, then the saying -‘you have to be cruel to be kind’, is the mantra by which you must live. 

The deeply submissive is a paradox. They need to feel helplessly in the control of another. That entails feeling that they are treated unfairly when it comes to things like the allocation of chores and leisure time. It means they have to be genuinely very fearful and frightened of the punishments that are given in response to infractions. It also means they have to be subjected to pain and humiliation that they do not enjoy. It is only when they are genuinely fearful of punishment for infractions and when they suffer pain and humiliation and unfairness they genuinely would rather not experience, that they feel truly controlled and in the helpless power of another. And without feeling truly controlled and in the helpless power of another, they can NEVER be wholly content with their lives. 

So real love and kindness for a true submissive does not mean going easy on them in any way, or being fair with them – that causes discontent and unhappiness and is not being kind.

In turn, the dominant woman is hooked on the addictive and arousing drug of using and abusing real power, over her male.

That's the paradox. Being cruel is being nice.  That doesn't mean 24/7 whip-wielding. Mistress can be nice, kind, and helpful when she wants to be, but also needs to be truly cruel for the submissive to feel loved and contented. Also, being cruel in a way the submissive wants is counter-productive.  This has been my problem for years. Wanting to be dominated my way and not realizing it didn't work for Mistress means it really wasn't working for me.  Here are some day-to-day examples of the paradox when I think of how it affects me.

Orgasm Control - I want to cum when I want to cum. When Mistress controls and denies my orgasms, I don't really like it. Unfortunately, that's when I get immensely turned on.  Being submissive means that the more my orgasms are controlled the more I am in awe of Mistress.  Orgasm control doesn't necessarily mean denial, it just means that I don't have a say in it.  On the flip side, being forced to orgasm multiple times until it's impossible to cum is another form of control.

Chastity - Chastity isn't just about orgasm control, it's about total control.  Being locked and having Mistress mostly ignore it shouldn't be arousing, but it is.  This is especially true now with my new perspective and I can see being locked 99.9% of the time for the rest of my life.  If I ever ask or beg to be unlocked, denying that request seems cruel but it's not. It’s kind based on the Submissive Paradox.  I am pretty good on the honor system, but not good enough.  

Chores - Chores have to be done.  That's what happens in relationships. Many would say that equal distribution of chores is necessary for a healthy relationship.  The Submissive Paradox says otherwise. The more unequal the chores are, the better it is for the Mistress/Slave dynamic.  Don't misunderstand this.  I don't want to do more chores and I don't enjoy them, but something happens inside my brain when Mistress makes me do chores. The idea of an endless list of chores is overwhelming and therefore powerful. Making the chores more difficult or humiliating makes them worse and therefore makes it better.   

Personal Service - In this relationship, Mistress should think of herself as a ruler of her kingdom (like Cleopatra) and me as just one of her lowly slaves. Waking Mistress up as she wishes to be woken.  Coffee service in the morning (me handing it to her).  Holding doors. Pedicures at her feet. Turning down her bed in the evening. Serving her drinks during the day. Fetching things for her that she could easily get for herself, but increases the dynamic.  The list of personal services is never-ending and I should be doing as many as Mistress wishes.

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Feminization - The only hair on my body are my eyebrows.  I wear a nighty every night. Most nights I am good with it, but some nights I feel silly and not manly.  It's these nights where the nighty is the most powerful.  Wearing panties is the same story.  I used to occasionally wear female deodorant and now it's all I ever wear.  Nail polish is one of those things that can’t be removed easily and is a constant reminder. All of these things create some level of humiliation which again, explains the Submissive Paradox.  Mistress recently threatened me with feminization while I clean and that makes me blush with shame but also makes me in awe of her for making me endure it.  The more feminization I endure the less in control I am and the more  I want to obey. 

Punishment - It's been a very long time since I have been punished.  Also, I don't know that I have ever been truly punished by Mistress (other than stopping D/s activities).  Without the Submissive Paradox, a true and proper beating seems abusive.  With the Submissive Paradox, a beating where I am truly begging for it to end and fearing it ever being repeated would be deeply effective and arousing.  I don’t want to be punished but I want to truly fear Mistress so that I have no choice but to obey. Punishment doesn’t have to be a beating either. Removal of privileges. Punishments you’d give a child or teenager.  The list is extensive.

Mind-Fuckery - The Submissive Paradox really shines here. Fucking with a slaves mind just for the sake of it. Taking something that they find pleasurable and making it unpleasurable. Pushing them slighly further than they think they can take. Punishing for absolutely no reason. Turning a funishment into a punishment.  Making him do a chore over that he just did. Creating a task that serves no purpose other than to fuck with the submissive. Leaving a mess just to have the slave clean it up. I think of it as bullying. Having to suck it up while being treated unfairly would suck, but it would also push all sorts of buttons inside me.  Again, it’s the Submissive Paradox.

I’d love your opinion on this post.  As a submissive do you feel the same way?  As a dominant, does it make sense?  If you’re vanilla and somehow reading this, what are your thoughts?e

Watch Your Tone!

 I was raised by a father with a quick temper, the belief he was never wrong and a propensity to talk down to people. 

I do my best to avoid these terrible behaviors, but I sometimes end up exhibiting these less than desirable traits. 

As a submissive male there is no place for me to act this way.  I blame my male lizard brain and decades of conditioning. 

I’d like to break the cycle. It’s not conducive to a healthy relationship and find the more I get away with it, the more I do it. 

My Mistress will tell me to “watch your tone”. When she does this I argue that I didn’t have a bad tone (never wrong) and then I talk down to her in a way that is belittling to her feelings.  This isn’t intentional, it’s years and years of acting this way that normalizes it and makes me not realize it’s happening. 

I’d like to change my behavior with the use of corporal punishment. Here’s how it plays out in my head. 

During the normal course of the day Mistress says something to me that cause me to act out in an unacceptable manner. All Mistress has to do is say “tone”. There is no warning. When she says “tone” I am to immediately to into the bedroom, set out the ugly stick. I would then lower my pants and panties to my ankles. I would stuff a pair of my dirty panties deep into my mouth to keep the screams down. I would then lay face down on the bed with my arms crossed under my chest. My body weight would keep me from from using my hands to protect my ass. Mistress would then enter the bedroom, grab the ugly stick and sit on the back of my legs to keep me from kicking. She would then beat my ass quickly and fiercely.  I imagine no less than 10 brutal strokes delivered in 10-15 seconds and as many strokes as it takes to satisfy Mistress that my lesson has been learned.  At this point there would be a small lecture about my behavior, a reminder that this was my idea and a question as to whether she should keep going. 

I’d like to think that after a few especially brutal episodes that I would be able to control my temper better, admit to being incorrect and to watch my tone and attitude.  A bad attitude deserves a bruised ass. 

Nectar of my Goddess

Lately I’ve been fantasizing a lot about Mistress and her piss.  There is no reason for this as I think piss is disgusting. Or maybe that is the reason. It’s not about her piss, it’s about her doing something so degrading and taboo to me.  We just stayed in a hotel that had a large in-room bath tub. It had a safety handle on the side that would have been perfect to have my ankles tied to so that I couldn’t jump up to save myself from her pungent onslaught. I imagine my hands being tied to my side or behind my back.  I imagined a ring gag or some other way to force my mouth to stay open.  Mistress would either stand or squat over my open mouth and start verbally teasing me.  Asking me how much I wanted this. I’d tell her I didn’t as much as I could through the gag.  She’s ask why my cock was so hard then. She’d tease me about making this a regular occurrence unless I shaped up. Eventually she would release large gushes of urine over my face, stopping several times to prolong my humiliation.  Her smelly piss would go into my nostrils, eyes and ears.  I’d end up drinking about half of her piss and the rest would pool coldly around my body as she closed the tub drain before we started. Mistress would then proceed to get dressed and walk out of the hotel room tell me me she’ll be back when it’s time for her to relieve herself again. “You’re going to be my piss whore for the day or longer if you’re lucky” she’d say as the door slammed behind there.  

I’d sit there in my humiliation, with my hard cock straining, wishing I wasn’t such a submissive slut willing to endure more and more humiliation just to satisfy a very secret part of my soul. 

Nervous Anticipation

I had dreams last night, but I don't remember any of them. What I do know is that I woke up extremely horny today.  Mistress and I still have to coordinate my birthday spanking.  I really mean birthday beating as spanking seems to tame to me.  I am to receive at least 51 strokes of the cane or other implement.  A stroke doesn't count if the stroke doesn't cause me to make a verbal response, nor does it have to stop at 51.  One of my readers left a comment that in addition to his birthday spankings, he also gets spanked for his wife's birthday. In my case, Mistress just had her birthday and that would mean an additional 46 spankings.  Just typing that last sentence made my cock hard.

My mind has been a bit consumed with the anticipation of this happening.  The problem is that we are moving soon and we are so unbelievably busy that we haven't had time to make this a priority.  It doesn't stop me from thinking about it when I can.  I imagine all sorts of variations.  Dressed up in a feminine matter. Gagged with a ball gag, a ring gag, a penis gag or Mistress's dirty panties.  A thick buttplug inside me or not.  In my chastity device to keep me from rubbing my cock against the blankets or my cock tied to the bedframe to keep me from squirming.  Legs tied together vs being totally spreadeagled on the bed.  Mistress ignoring my pleas to stop.  I would purposely be quiet, even though a stroke hurts immensely or I would fake a sound to stop the pain early.  Taking lots of pictures to post here in this blog  At the end of the day, I really want to endure the hardest spanking of my entire life. 

This last one is too tame.  

Birthday Beating

I have a birthday coming up and last night Mistress told me she didn't buy me anything.  I told her, "thank you for not buying me anything".  We are fortunate enough to pretty much buy what we want, presents for holidays and birthdays are more stressful than rewarding so we tend to skip them.  As far as my birthday goes, I prefer birthday shenanigans way more than any gift or special meal out. 

When Mistress told me that she didn't get me anything I told her that I would much rather have a birthday spanking than any gift.  You can't really buy a spanking, wait, you can, but that's a different story.  I told her I would love to get a minimum of 51 swats, stokes, etc for my birthday.  Mistress asked if we still had the cane in the bedroom and I assured her we did.  I then said that a stroke doesn't unless I make a sound.  She said, "oh, I'll make sure you make a sound".  My cock instantly got hard.  That was pretty much the end of the conversation and we went to sleep after a long day.

This morning I was stirring awake when I really wanted to be falling back to sleep.  As I tried to go back to sleep, my mind kept wandering to last night's conversation.  I imagined my Birthday Beating.  I won't be able to be beaten on my actual birthday as we have other things going on, so we will have to make alternate plans.

Now I am not really into pain for pain's sake.  It's kind of like spicy foods. I love spicy food however, there are some spices that are hot just for the sake of being hot.  There is nothing else to them.  If a portion of food is super spicy, yet it's very flavorful, I will gladly suffer through the pain.  Same thing with pain from BDSM activities.  Pain for pain's sake is not fun.  Pain that comes with the loss of control, or with a certain goal in mind, or for the arousal of the pain giver, those all make enduring pain worth it.  In this case, knowing I will get at least 51 stokes, and that there is nothing I can do to stop them (unless it's a real emergency) is a massive turn on. 

Of course, my dirty mind had to find ways to make the beating more interesting.  I imagine having to wear my butt lifting panties.  They create a nice target for Mistress to focus on, but then that might not spread out the pain enough (shudder).  I can also imagine other feminine additions.  Schoolgirl skirt and top.  Eye makeup so that it runs as tears fill my eyes.  A penis gag or dirty panties in my mouth while I get beat.

I imagine having to wear my largest butt plug.  Each time I would get hit, my natural tendency to clench my butt would stimulate my prostate.  This, in turn, would confuse my senses by connecting the intense pain to the pleasurable feeling in my prostate.

I imaging Mistress taking breaks from beating me to masturbate while I lay there with my ass throbbing.

I imagine Mistress taking out recent frustrations on me. We have had a particularly stressful couple of months.  I have had some very dickish moments, and deserve to be punished for them.  Nothing like being able to add some payback onto the birthday present I asked for.

Suffice it to say, I am fearfully and excitedly looking forward to the best beating of my 51 years.  I imagine begging Mistress to stop, but not actually using a safe-word.  I imagine purposely trying not to make a sound so that I can get hit longer.  If I end up looking like the poor guy below, I won't regret it.   

A 'Time Out' Fantasy

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The Ten Commandments

Every morning as I am starting to wake up, my mind typically goes to a kinky place.  As I drift in and out of sleep, my mind wanders.  It almost feels like a dream, but I have some control where my mind wanders. 

This morning Mistress was out of bed before me.  If I wasn't locked in chastity I would have edged a few dozen times and then I would have proceeded to give myself an orgasm.  I would have logged it in the orgasm log and in a few days confessed that I came without permission.  Not to be disobedient, but because the honor system is imperfect.  As I fantasized about having an orgasm I fantasized about the rules I have to follow.  I came up with the idea of the Ten Commandments although I don't have 10.

1. Thou shalt be locked in chastity at all times.
2. Thou shalt wear a nighty every night.
3. Thou shalt keep body shaved at all times.
4. Thou shalt wear perfume and women's deodorant every day.
5. Thou shalt keep toenails painted at all times.
6. Thou shalt prepare and/or serve Mistress coffee every morning.
7. .
8. .
9. .
10. .

I am in need of 4 more commandments.  I love the idea of having to have these memorized and be able to recite each one by number.  I love the idea of being punished (severely) any time a commandment is broken.  If my toenails are not kept up, or Mistress has to prepare her own coffee, I would be dealt with harshly.

Additional commandments I fantasize about.  Collars, feminine attire requirements, chores, tasks, toys etc.  A commandment doesn't have to be necessarily a daily one, but something such as every week thou shalt do X task.  

No more time to post for today.  If you wouldn't mind suggesting commandments in the comments section that you think are appropriate, I would be very appreciative.    

Also an obligatory picture for this post.  Here is my mood today.

Ruined

Mistress and I went away for the weekend.  I was given the key to release myself from chastity on Friday morning so that Mistress could have access to my cock.  It was nice to be able to shave everything without being blocked by a device.  On Friday night Mistress was getting tired and I asked if she had any intention of using me at that time.  She said no so I locked up so I wouldn't be tempted.  That was a good idea. 

You can see my device peeking out through the lace

Being drunk in a hotel with Mistress asleep in the next room is my 'go to' time for masturbating.  Not so on this trip  The next morning Mistress didn't say anything about the device so I was locked up all day and night, including the hot tubs at the hotel.

Sunday morning Mistress told me to unlock myself.  I went into the bathroom, raised my tight pink nighty and removed my device.  I sprayed a bit of my perfume on me and went back to bed.  Mistress teased my cock with her hands and it felt amazing.  It had been so long since my cock had felt anything in week so I was in heaven.  After about 10 minutes Mistress had me put my cock inside her.  The feeling was indescribable.  Her previous teasing was probably not a good idea.  After about 20 slow strokes I was ready to cum.  I had to stop.  Mistress flexed her vaginal muscles and that was enough to keep me on the edge.  She reached up under my nighty to pinch my nipples.  I was so close to exploding.  And then she started talking.  She said I needed to start dressing feminine at home again.  Skirts and heels, etc.  I had to pull out.  Her fucking words put me over the edge.  I leaked a bit. 

At this point my cock was worthless.  I was so hyper-sensitive that it served no sexual purpose for Mistress.  I felt bad about it, but also was surprised how my of a sissy chastity slave I have become.  This is when it hit me that my mouth and fingers were better than my cock as far as being able to take care of Mistress needs.  Talk about a mind-fuck. 

Once I gained my composure, I entered Mistress again.  In no time I was on the edge again.  Mistress spoke about improving my treatment of her.  We brainstormed on ideas to improve my behavior in a D/s context.  Keeping the cane out so I can be beaten immediately upon was one idea.  Another was to keep a pair of my highest heels out so that I can be placed in the corner for time out until I can learn to behave.  Again, a combination of words and stimulation brought me over the edge.  I had to pull out again.  This time I did everything I could to not cum.  I clamped down with my kegel muscles to try and stop from leaking.  I tried so hard that I felt nothing.  No orgasm and no leaking although it was a apparent that I leaked. 

As soon as I regained my composure, I was able to enter Mistress and fuck her properly.  My leaking took my arousal down enough to allow me to fuck her and not cum.  I was finally able to give her an orgasm with my cock which is the first time I had been able to do so in over 2 months.  Mistress kept egging me on with promises of making me dress feminine and keeping my discipline up.  I was so worked up, but also frustrated.  I really tried to cum at this point, but my previous leakage left me exhausted and I pulled out unsatisfied.

Mistress had me stay unlocked the rest of the day.  That night I should have gone back into chastity, but Mistress didn't reverse her previous stance that I stay unlocked.  I went to bed in my nighty and woke up with something I hadn't had in nearly 2 months: an unrestricted hard-on.  Lying next to Mistress I stroked my cock many times.  It felt amazing.  It was weird to have my cock feel my own hand.  It was like it had been disconnected for all of this time.  I got out of bed and went downstairs.  Mistress got up before I could get myself any further stimulation.

Last night before bed I put on my nighty and went to bed.  Mistress said "you're forgetting something".  I pretended to not know what she was talking about.  She told me to lock myself back up which I did happily.  I LOVE it when she "makes" me do things.  I also confessed that I had cheated and touched myself. 

This morning I woke up, back into my submissive extremely horny state with feminization and torture over taking my thoughts.

      

Long Distance Desperation

I am currently out of town and away from my Mistress.  I am lying in my hotel bed in my pink nighty locked in chastity.  It's my first trip out of town locked in chastity.  In the past, I would have already cum a few times and would have already cum this morning.  Instead, I am one day short of my all-time orgasm denial record of 72 days.  The best part of this trip is that it proves to me that there is no reason I cannot be locked in chastity for the rest of my life.  Having Mistress control not only my orgasms but any sexual pleasure at all. I am soooo horny and frustrated.  Being locked up on the road is harder than I imagined and it's a great mind-fuck.  I'm wishing I had brought a toy for my ass so I could at least get some stimulation on my prostate.  Instead I just lie here and fantasize about Mistress treating me badly.

Before I left on this trip, Mistress made sure to give me a caning.  It started rough as we didn't do any warm-up.  As my ass warmed up, I was able to take harder hits from the cane.  Mistress wanted to stop before I did, but I was able to get her to keep going for a bit.  It's very difficult to ask to be hurt when you are in the middle of it.  I'm looking forward to the time where I am yelling out and begging her to stop and she doesn't.  She keeps going until I use my safe-word, and then she keeps going for some time.  It's something we have to work up to as I have to be able to learn to take it and Mistress needs to be able to be OK with hurting me more than she ever has.  Having consistent positive experiences will make this possible.

Here is a picture of my ass just before Mistress untied me.

I thought for sure that I would have felt it when I was sitting in my seat on the plane a few hours later.  I also thought I would finally have some bruises that I could be proud of.  Unfortunately, neither of these things occurred.  I had no left over pain and no bruises or even marks for that matter.  Now I am starting to believe that we are going to have to have a long session with a warm up period and once I am warmed up Mistress can really go to town on my ass with multiple implements.  Once I am bruised well, it should be easier to keep me bruised with daily beatings.  I am very proud to wear bruises that Mistress gives me.

As I lie here in my nighty, with my painted toenails I keep fantasizing about Mistress pushing my feminization buttons harder.  I'm not sure how to explain it but I want to be a slutty, horny, little bitch.  I want to feel humiliated and embarrassed about the things I am willing to do.  I want to feel ashamed of how slutty I am while at the same time not caring because I am so horny.  I'm not sure of any of that makes sense.  

Time to head to work.  

If you enjoy reading this blog, please leave a comment.  Mistress and I enjoy reading the comments, ideas and feedback from our audience.  I will reply to everyone as soon as I can. 

Let The Beatings Begin

I have to start this post with a quick comment.  The perfume Mistress bought for me and makes me wear every day, is an addictive drug to me.  I had zero libido when I woke up this morning and within 15 seconds of spraying on my perfume, I became super aroused and consumed with submissive and feminine thoughts.  My perfume gives me a buzz and is highly effective on my brain.  I can see using it in scenes as well as day-to-day use.  Now on to the topic of the day.

We have commenced on our journey of me receiving a caning almost every day.  We started Friday afternoon.  I was lying face down across the bed side-to-side so Mistress doesn't have to reach.  My hands were restrained straight out in front of me and my ankles restrained on the other side of the bed.  Mistress gave me 10 very tentative swats and about 2 of those was an 8 or higher.  She then released me and we went about our business.  I had some nice warmth from the swats, but soon forgot about them.  Mistress indicated that she didn't have a good angle and that was a lot of the reason that she wasn't able to hit me well.  We went out that afternoon and when we got home, Mistress wanted to see the marks she left.  There weren't any.  She wasn't happy about that and I had fun telling her she must not have hit me hard enough.

I believe for this plan to work, it has to be as simple and quick as possible for Mistress to administer. So on Saturday I made some adjustments.  I placed a couple pillows under my hips to raise my ass to make a better target.  I turned my body in the opposite direction because Mistress is right handed and this angle should make her more accurate.  I restrain myself as much as possible to make things easier for Mistress.  These hits came much stronger than the previous ones did.  Mistress hit me 5 times and 4 of them were substantial, but she stopped after 5 hits.  She untied me and we went about our day.  I could feel these longer than the ones from the day prior.  That night before bed Mistress inspected my ass.  She says there was a mark, but I couldn't see it.  I believe that me being bruised is an important part of this ritual and I think Mistress would agree.

As I slept that night I was consumed with thoughts on caning.  I was drifting in and out of sleep from 4-7 am where I couldn't stop thinking about caning.  The research I had been doing about caning certainly played into my thoughts.  Yesterday I asked Mistress if we could have our next caning session last longer.  I am hoping to get Mistress at a comfort level of hitting me safely, but soundly.  I asked her to take her time and to practice for a while on me.  5-10 hits once a day are not going to be a good training experience for either of us.  I also asked for her to not stop until I safe-worded.  She can go as long as she wants after I safe-word as my safe-word is merely a request and I will certainly use it too soon.  However, I would really like her to not stop before then.

I'll know we are at a good point when there is a day that she tells me to prepare for a caning and I hesitate due to fear.  That will make this part of our D/s lifestyle very, very real.  I yearn to fear her.

Since I have been doing so much research, I will leave some observations here.

• There are a million ways to do this, so no one way is 'the way'.
• Hitting with no warm up is called 'cold caning' and is much more painful.
• Warming up allows harder hitting. 
• Some will hit 3-5 times in rapid succession before the first hit even registers in the brain.
• Others will hit light many, many times, in between hard hits, and will only count the hard ones as actual hits.
• Lecturing during a caning is kind of hot.
• So is stopping and encouraging the slave to take more for his Mistress.
• So is interrogating a slave during a caning.
• A gag may be needed if Mistress hits me hard enough.
• Many of the caning videos and pictures I have found have the slave standing.  I believe I have come up with a good way to restrain me standing for whenever Mistress wants to try it.
• The weight of the cane matters a great deal.  The one we are currently using is a heavy one and considered more brutal.  I will find the lighter ones we have so that Mistress can find her favorite.  I prefer a thuddy feeling to a stingy feeling.   

Below are 3 sections of a 15 minute caning session that I have the full video of.  The first one is more about the light fast ones that build up quickly.  One thing to note is that she takes lots of 30 second breaks to let him recover.  She also taunts him verbally quite a bit.  This cane looks much lighter than ours.
   

This one is more brutal.  I don't know how he doesn't make a noise.

This last one is where I'd like to end up some day, but I would be screaming if this were me.

I have a hunch I am going to regret this post one day.  As I replayed these snippets I realized this was a 100 stroke scene.  He received many more than 100, but 100 were the serious ones.  OUCH!

       

Heading in the right direction

After many years of fits and starts I truly believe we are heading in a direction that will put me further and further under Mistress' control.  I'm very excited.

Since we both work from home now Mistress truly has the ability to control me 24/7 if she so chooses.  Gone are the days where she would head off to work and I would be able to do whatever I wanted.  I am incredibly excited about the direction this can go and hope that there is no turning back.

Last night as Mistress and I were about to get into bed, Mistress threw something on the bed.  I looked down and it was a pair of keys.  Mistress told me to remove my chastity device as she wanted to use her cock.  I went into the bathroom and removed my device and used a wet wash cloth to clean any scent from her cock.  I went back into the bedroom and Mistress was lying on a couple of towels and was playing with herself.  Almost as soon as I climbed back into bed, I got very hard and I was inside of Mistress almost instantly.  I thought for sure that I would be in the edge in no time, but I was able to go longer than I expected.  Even though I went longer than expected it still wasn't long enough to get Mistress off.  When I stopped to keep myself from cumming, Mistress had me use my fingers on her G-spot.  I teased and edged her a couple times before giving her an orgasm. 

After her orgasm she told me to put my cock inside her.  I did and as I got closer to the edge, Mistress asked me when my last orgasm was.  I told her that it was November 22nd or 8 weeks and 1 day.  I added that I was in chastity the entire time less 2 days.  Mistress told me that she felt it was time for me to have an orgasm.  I pathetically begged her to not make me cum and that I would to anything to avoid that fate.  I then told her flat out that I was going to refuse her order and accept any punishment she decided to dish out.  After a few minutes of her telling me to cum with my cock inside of her and me refusing, Mistress  told me to giver her another orgasm with my fingers.  This time I got her off in less than 30 seconds.  I then put my cock inside Mistress and after a few strokes she told me to stop.  I didn't.  She commanded me to stop a few more times before I relented.  She told me she was done with me and to lock myself back up.  I offered to give her another orgasm but she refused.

I went into the bathroom, washed my cock off again and locked myself back into chastity under Mistress' supervision.  Mistress hid the keys as I went back to bed.  When Mistress got back into bed, she teased my balls and told me to put the cane on her bathroom vanity when I got up in the morning.  She plans on caning me and she also plans on restraining me for it.  I asked her to not restrain me and see how much I am able to take, but she refused saying she didn't want to have to deal with me being unrestrained.

To be fair, her concern is warranted.  I believe that a proper beating requires restraints.  A fight or flight response will happen if she beats me the way I need to be beaten.  I need to be pushed past that point and the only way is with restraints.  There will be a point where I will get mad and if I am tied up there is nothing I can do about it.  I need to stay tied up until I have recovered from the anger and frustration and am back into my submissive mindset.  I'm not big on aftercare, but some tenderness and discussion while I am still tied up and recovering is the way I imagine being the most beneficial.  Being given a verbal reminder that I have asked for this a long time and I am finally getting the cruelty I have begged for, for so long.

As we drifted off to sleep I thanks Mistress for not making me cum.  I didn't want to be the guy that I am after an orgasm  I also assured Mistress again that I am very excited about where we are headed and that no matter what, I am hers to do with as she pleases.  I let her know that she doesn't need to worry about pushing me to hard or being too cruel.  No matter what she does to me I will take it.  I am here to serve, be her domestic slave, her sex slave, her sissy slave and do whatever she wishes.

Side note.  For whatever reason I can't think about a spanking without thinking of a pair of panties I have like these.  It seems like the perfect target as the butt is framed and exposed.  However, I have been reading about how important the spot where the thighs meet the butt is such a good punishment spot and these cover that spot. 

          

Submitting

This morning I am wearing pink yoga pants and a white fuzzy sweatshirt that is long enough to be worn as a very short skirt.  Mistress chose them for me last night to wear.  Putting them on this morning along with a nice spray of perfume has me sitting at my desk with a nice little sub-spacey buzz.  I love it when she chooses my attire or makes me dress and/or wear feminine items.

The other day, I took the cane from the dungeon storage closet and placed it on the bed in our bedroom before work.  It was where I left it when I came home from work so I moved it to a less obvious place.  I wasn't sure how serious Mistress was about having the cane readily available for her use on me.  Ever since then she keeps bringing it up so I am fairly certain I will soon be subjected an almost daily caning.  I'd like to say that it frightens me, but my cock is hard.  It's hard, not because I want to be spanked, but because I want her to wield her power over me, in all aspects of my life.

This last paragraph I'm calling my encouragement paragraph.  It's easy to doubt one's self playing in the D/s dynamic, especially the female led dynamic.  I want to let Mistress know that it't still very OK with me to keep me locked in chastity, collared, denied, and selfishly used for her pleasure.  It's OK to make sure I am doing all the chores she doesn't want to do, to keep me locked in the cage, to force me to do things I don't want to do.  It's OK to severely punish me for being disrespectful, to humiliate me, to have me serve you in any way you can dream up.  Don't worry about going too far or pushing me too hard.  We are a long way from my limits.  I just want you to to feel confident with your power over me.  I also want you to feel confident that I am here to protect you and love you as are my Queen.   

 

What Pillow Talk Escalates To In My Mind

Last night at bedtime Mistress has fondling my balls as we had some pillow talk.  As she teased my balls, her cock grew harder in it's cock cage, straining for release.  I got worked up quickly.  While the physical stimulation certainly got me hot, it was the verbal stimulation that really got me going.

Mistress mentioned that she needed to start picking out my outfits each night before bed.  I can only hope that means she is interested in pushing me back toward my feminine side.  There is something deliciously humiliating about every little feminine thing she has me do.

She also mentioned that out of all the caning pictures I posted yesterday, that none of the men were tied up.  I did that to show how simple a daily maintenance spanking can be.  Mistress indicated that she thought if we did it without restraints that I would get hit once and then I would stop her.  I told her that it would obviously depend on how hard she hit me, but I would do my best to take it.  She then told me to bring the cane to the bedroom the next day.  Uh-oh!

When Mistress decides to start this I will try as hard as I can to stay in place.  I believe that I could take a mild caning without needing to be restrained.  Mistress could add to my resolve to not move by threatening certain things if I moved.  Added strokes, starting over, corner time, cage time, sitting on something sharp, etc.  I could imagine Mistress hitting me harder with the intent of making me move so she could further add to my torment.

Spiked mat to protect carpet from office chairs used for recently spanked butts

 
If I move too much, either because she just wants to make me move, or because I truly deserve a punishment, I can make it so that she can easily restraint me in 30-60 seconds.  A caning where I have no choice but to move as the fight or flight response kicks in.

Now we haven't played with the cane very much so I hope we ease into this so that it becomes a growing experience for us both.  I am very excited to have Mistress feel super confident in doling out a proper caning.

Here are a few pictures of more extreme caning scenes where the subject has to be tied down.  These are not even close to some totally brutal ones I found.  After those are some fun infographics on spanking in general.