Thursday, April 6, 2017

Fear

Since my last post on the topic of control, I have been thinking about a sub-topic of control that is based on fear.

Mistress has learned that putting me in the cage in the basement can correct some behavior she doesn't like or to put me in my place.  It works in that respect but I don't fear the cage however.  I dislike it but I don't fear it.  I believe the longest I have been in the cage is about 2-2.5 hours so maybe it's a time issue, but I don't see me "fearing" it.  I would hate to see how long I would have to be in it to truly fear it.

Being in chastity is another form of control, and it's very real control, but I don't fear it either.  In fact I am working on finding the holy grail of chastity.  Something that utilizes my Prince Albert piercing, but is also supported by my testicles.  The piercing is the only 100% escape proof way to secure a device and the piercing only devices put too much stress on the piercing.  I think I have found it but will have to wait to purchase it.  A device similar to the one below gets very high ratings from a blogger known for his chastity experiences.  https://denyingthumper.com/2016/11/15/rigid-chastity-halfshell-review/  

This is attached to the piercing hole making pullout impossible
Being locked in chastity for months would be challenging but I certainly wouldn't fear it.

The same goes with orgasm denial.  I would look forward to the challenge, and would enjoy the difficulties.  I would love to fear denial, but am not sure I could.

So that has me thinking about true fear.  Fear that provokes a fight or flight response.  Fear the requires restraint or force for me to endure.  My main fears are pain, electricity and public humiliation.

Pain.  

There are obviously ways to create lots of pain.  However for purposes of pain for punishment and control, I keep thinking about beatings.  There are 2 articles I have read over many years that stick with me.

The first one I read many years ago.  It still scares me.  I like that the punishment is fast, but I don't like that she doesn't restrain her husband.  I would turn around and stop if it left unrestrained.  Here is a link to her process http://www.bellaslist.com/stories/story_16.shtml

The other article also scare the heck out of me.  http://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com/2013/03/beating-your-man-properly.html

In the first article she uses no restraints and in the second she releases him soon afterward, I would need to stay restrained until I recovered and was able to process what happened.  Then I know I would be fine and could react positively to Mistress.  I am sure I would not be positive once I truly got pushed past my pain threshold and truly wanted it to stop.

I can imagine I did something wrong or forgot to do something I promised.  I'd get a text during the day that I was going to be punished.  I would suffer all day with the thought of what was going to come when I got home.  The anxiety would be as bad as the punishment.

Other pain includes a clothespin zipper, being tied up in painful positions like the wooden stocks, icy-hot in sensitive places, forced to walk in high heels on the treadmill, and rubber bands.

Electricity

Electricity can cause pain but it also causes a ton of mental anxiety for me.  I think it goes back to watching bad movies on the 80's.  The picture below is from a Charles Bronson Movie from 1983.  It still sticks in my mind.  The guy is naked and electrodes are attached to his genitals and he tortured by a bad guy.


Electricity has a certain simplicity to it.  It takes zero effort from the person administering it.  In the case of a tazapper, stun gun or cattle prod the device itself can provoke massive fear even if not used.  Just the threat of it is enough.

As far as using electrodes and an e-stim device, I also fear that.  While the device can be used for amazing pleasure it can also produce intense pain.  There is even a setting on our device called "torment".



Unlike a beating that is very physical and obvious, electricity is invisible.  I think that is what scares me so much.  I can imagine being tied down and having electrodes attached to me while Mistress lectures me on my misbehavior.  I would be begging and nearly in tears.  I would be very fearful.  

 Lastly is public humiliation.  Since I have such a strong fight or flight response I don't see this one happening without a threat or actual use of the previous fear tactics.

In closing, I love the idea of Mistress not only being able to control me through things like a cage, my collar and chastity, but being controlled with the threat and actual use of severe pain.  I believe that being truly afraid of what could happen, would further cement my place in our relationship.  I would be much less likely to try and manipulate things to my advantage or "forget" to do things I am supposed to do.

On top of all of that there is something very hot to me to be punished harder than I have ever been punished.
    

Monday, April 3, 2017

Control

Yesterday morning Mistress and I were having early morning sex.  I was in my nighty while we were having sex.  It's pretty hot for me to be in my nighty when when we have sex.  It keeps my mind focused on pleasing her and reinforces my place in our relationship.  After Mistress had a couple orgasms Mistress ordered me to fuck her harder.  I thought this indicated that she was going to let me cum.  As I got close to the edge, I asked Mistress if I could cum.  I was on a perfect pace to fill her up with my cum when she said "no".  I had to stop moving my hips immediately.  She added that she didn't want to screw up her Sunday by having a difficult to deal with slave just because she let me have an orgasm.

Now she's getting it!

I have spent the better part of 6.5 years getting her to recognize the benefits of keeping me denied (Semen Retention).    At the same time she should be getting all the sex she wants from me as it keeps me engaged and helps me build stamina.  Also her pleasure should come first and second to my third.

It had only been a week since my last orgasm and the feeling was fresh in my mind.  All week I have really wanted another orgasm.  I was so ready to cum that I had considered just cumming and dealing with the consequences.  However my mind quickly went to the cage in the basement.  Even though I have only been locked in the cage a few times, it has an effect on my behavior.  I could imagine me spending at least a couple hours in the cage if not longer for an unauthorized orgasm.  I could also imagine other punishments for cumming after being told no.

At this point I realized that Mistress has the most control over me than she ever has.  I like that.  I dress feminine every week day and some weekends if we don't have anything going on.  I wear perfume that Mistress has chosen for me daily (no matter what I am wearing)  I wear my chastity device when told.  I have a collar locked around my neck 24/7 for months at a time unless it needs to come off for medical or security reasons.

While Mistress has more control over me than she ever has, I don't fear her.  I wish I did.  In a D/s context.  If I did, her control would be complete.

I frequently think of purposely disobeying Mistress so that I can be treated badly.  Even this morning I was tempted to edge myself and then confess to it.  I didn't, but I thought about it. I think about skipping my feminine dress one day to see if Mistress will punish me.  I sometimes get snarky, wishing that Mistress would call me out on it and truly punish me.

I fantasize of being punished to the point of truly begging it to stop.  When we play, Mistress will frequently ask me if I've had enough.  At some point I will say yes.  Not because I have hit a limit, but merely because I still have control at that point.  As I think about this am reminded of a quote from another Domme's blog.

So: A true submissive needs to feel they are helplessly under the control of a sadistic dominant. That they have zero power or influence. That is achieved by two things. 

(A) Punishments for infractions have to be truly feared by the sub. This is achieved by not stopping the punishment until the sub is and has been truly begging with all their heart for a few minutes for the punishment to stop. My lifestyle did not click into place until I started doing this 6 or 7 years ago. It is easy to judge when the begging has reached the truly heartfelt, and then you keep going for a while. You will not break or damage him. During the punishment, he will be begging and attempting to have you stop. After it, he will be in awe of you and want to worship you. Bind him so he cannot move, gag him and then apply the punishment. It may only need to be six HARD cane strokes, if he is begging with all his heart after the first. If he has marks on his butt for the rest of the day, he will love that. If the marks last 3 days, he will love it even more.

(B) The true submissive has to undergo things they really do not like. By this, it is reinforced that they have zero power or influence, that they are helplessly under the control of a sadistic dominant.  

All of this being said, we are heading down the right path.  Mistress is kind to me and treats me very well.  I love this.  However a part of me wants to truly fear her.  I want to be scared when I am tied up.  Truly not knowing what is going to happen to me.  I eventually want a true beating.




I want to beg to the point of tears. I want to be afraid that she will do things I don't want to have done to me.  I want her to be able to verbally tell me something and for her words to put fear into my heart.  This concept excites the hell out of me.  I want Mistress have absolute control of me.