Thinking the Unthinkable

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Trouble Getting Back Into The Swing Of Things

It's been about a week and a half since I have worn anything feminine.  It's been over a week since I have worn my collar.  It's been 3 weeks since I was in chastity during Mistress last period.  It's been since March 26th since I have been tied down.  

Why?  Many reasons.  Summer is coming around which means more time outside especially during daylight hours.  I don't have very many clothes that are both feminine and deniable, so I have casually been letting it slide.  We recently went on a trip.  Unfortunately since it was a beach trip I had to remove the nail polish on my toes.  Also, I tried wearing my collar but it gave me a white ring around my neck.  The idea of a permanently tanned collar is kind of hot, but it looked stupid so we decided against it.  Mistress didn't enforce feminine attire on this trip which was sad but also a relief.  It was super hot and the kind of panties I have would have been super annoying.  Although me being uncomfortable and inconvenienced for Mistress pleasure is part of the appeal as well.

Since we started embarking on be being feminized as much as possible it's gotten easier for me.  However Mistress has been having me wear male clothes on the weekend which makes it much harder for me to go back to femme on Mondays.  Now that I have had almost 2 weeks off, I am finding it that much harder to go back.  This morning as I started to wake up, I thought about getting up and putting on my perfume.  I thought about what I would wear.  My cock got hard as I thought about putting on my heels and a dress.  I fantasized for a quick minute and then I felt stupid.  My insecurities came up (bigger than usual) and I couldn't force myself to do it.  

Officially I am disobeying existing rules.  But I don't want to be disobeying.  I want to obey.  I want to do what I am told.  I want to feel the shame and humiliation of being dressed in a feminine manner.  I want to be Mistress's desperate, needy slut.  

Unfortunately this is where my insecurities are overriding my submissiveness.  It happens and I don't like it. At this juncture, the "forced" part of forced feminization is what is needed.  To be forced (or coerced) tells me that it is OK for me to be vulnerable again. Being reminded that Mistress wants this from me is all of a sudden, very important again.  I have to override my insecurities about what society considers masculine.  I am reminded of the term "recalibration" that Mistress likes to use.  I have drifted and I need to be brought back to our reality.  To do what Mistress requires of me.  To be held accountable.  

Writing this post is giving me butterflies.  I feel like I am being a pushy bottom.  I feel like I am asking Mistress to do something she doesn't want to do.  I have no reason to feel this way, but I do.         

While on our trip Mistress and I had some really good sex.  We spent a lot of great time together.  We didn't venture into too much D/s talk.  I didn't look at any porn unless it shot across my twitter feed.  When I came home I had a bunch of Tumblr feeds to get caught back up on.  I was so far behind that I had to only look at a handful of posts and delete the rest.  This certainly got me back into a state of mind.

Here are a handful of pics I found hot while cleaning up my blog list.

     

Coercion

NOTE: I have been writing this post over the last few days so it might jump around a bit...

coerce -[koh-urs]

verb (used with object), coerced, coercing.

1.  to compel by force, intimidation, or authority, especially without regard for individual desire or volition:

2.  to bring about through the use of force or other forms of compulsion:

3.  to dominate or control, especially by exploiting fear, anxiety, etc.:


My recent post on Mistress' fantasy of seeing me with a guy or transsexual got me thinking about how susceptible my submissive mind is.  While I have a long list of turn on's and things I like doing, I have a fairly short list of things of limits or things I just would rather not do.  Having to do things I would rather not do creates a dilemma for me.  I have to override my fight or flight response and just submissively submit.  This is where the real magic of D/s happens for me.  Having my limits pushed scares me but also excites the hell out of me.

I have been submissive for as long as I can remember.  I used to have a ton of limits, but as I have gotten older and more experienced, my limits have decreased considerably.  One thing that has helped me get through a lot of my limits is persistence of my dominant.  In my current relationship, Mistress has done a good job of sticking to a plan.  Also, using the dog cage in the basement has given her more control over me.

For example, me dressing in feminine attire.  In the past it was solely a sexual act for me.  If I was horny enough or it was part of a scene I was OK with dressing up.  Now I find myself being dressed nearly 24/7 at home and under my clothes when I go out.  There are many times that I would rather not dress, but being compelled to do so is what makes my submissive heart and mind so happy.  I have gone from masturbating while wearing an item of clothing, to dressing up and really caring about how I look.  I am very self aware of just how much control I have given up to Mistress and how much more I would love to give up.  In fact I am trying to think of requirements to add to my daily routine.

Chastity is the same way.  I really dislike being in chastity due to how uncomfortable it can be.  However with persistence and encouragement from my Mistress, I could see myself in chastity 24/7/365.  Plus the fact I can;t stop thinking about it, I am starting to believe wearing a device is more mental than physical.

So back to the topic of this post on coercion.  There are 2 limits I have that I think I could eventually get past.  Cross-dressing in public and some sort same sex sexual interaction.

The cross-dressing in public limit is the easier one for me as I can actually imagine it.  That being said, if I got all dressed up and we started heading for the door I think I would lose my cool and start being an asshole.  Mistress could threaten cage time but I would likely take that over public humiliation.

So as I fantasize about how this could be done I could see us enlisting a 3rd party such as a Pro-Domme as someone who is detached as well as supportive of the goal.  I imagine Mistress and I going to her dungeon (it would be better if I didn't know what was planned).  When we arrived I would be ordered to strip and I would be restrained.  Mistress would come up and place a shocking dog collar on my balls and lock it on.  She would then tell me it's set for the highest level and that I had better obey without question.  For good measure she hits the button and I scream in surprise and agony.

As I recover from the shock, I am released from my restraints and informed that I will be getting fully feminized and taken out to a bar.  Over the next hour I am dressed and made up.  They eventually show me a mirror and I don't even recognize myself.  Mistress then places the shocking remote in her purse and announces that we are heading out.

Due to the shocking device around my balls and the fact that I actually don't recognize myself I relent and we head to a bar.  When we arrive I get nervous, but Mistress shows me the remote and I press forward.  From here my fantasy gets fuzzy as I don't know what I want to happen or not.  However I do imagine some good mind fucks to occur.  Such as the Pro-Domme having pre-arranged for me to be hit on by guys or girls for that matter.  Me being made to dance or order drinks.  The humiliation would kill me.

That being said, that's a huge leap.  In reality I imagine I get dressed and we head out to try me walking in uncrowded places.  A parking lot at a strip mall or pumping gas at a gas station.  What isn't a leap is the shocking dog collar.  I would need something to push me through my fight or flight response.  Cage time wouldn't cut it.

                

As far as getting me to be with a man or transsexual in some way would require a pretty concerted effort.  I imagine Mistress being stricter with me regarding my dress.  Such as requiring a bra at all times or stockings and corsets much more frequently.  I imagine being tied to the bed or locked in the cage with transsexual porn playing for hours.  I imagine having audio hypnosis tracks pumped into my ears with headphones while my cock is teased for hours at a time.  She would keep edging me and make me tell her stories if I wanted any stimulation on my cock.  Mistress would make me find videos, pictures and stories of scenes she would want to recreate.  When we had sex Mistress would talk all about what she wanted me to do.  She would make me simulate oral and anal sex with very realistic fake cocks.  She would make me cum almost daily and consume every drop so I could get mentally used to the concept.  Eventually we would get to the point of me being tied down and a transsexual girl or a guy is brought into the room.  I would be teased until I was begging to have my cock sucked by this person.  I would be brought to orgasm with their mouth and this person would leave.  And like that, my first encounter would be over.

Just thinking about it disturbs me.  As I said earlier, I am not wired for this.  That's why I think conditioning would be a huge part of making it happen.  Hopefully Mistress would let us try this with a woman for my first threesome experience.  

While I can imagine getting a blowjob from someone of the same sex, I can't imagine giving one.  I barely like my own cock and cum after an orgasm, the thought of sucking a real cock does nothing for me other than make me a bit grossed out.

Like I've said before, I have few limits, but I have learned that it's fun to play in the soft/hard limit area.  Pushing boundaries is a huge part of a D/s lifestyle.  Hmmmmm.        

Back From A Hiatus

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Thoughts While Feminzed

For the last 3 or so months, Mistress has had me dressed feminine as much as possible.  Because it is nearly 24/7 that I am wearing something feminine I have a ton of thoughts that go through my mind all day long.  Here is a synopsis of one of my days.

I sleep in a nighty every night and have been for over a year.  I am also one that tosses and turns quite a bit as I like to flip from sleeping on my right and left sides.  I frequently wake up while doing this and without fail I realize I am a submissive man sleeping in a nighty.  I'm more or less used to it physically but mentally it still makes me swoon a bit.

When I get out of bed, I could take off my nighty immediately, but instead I choose to prolong my feminization, so I stay in my nighty for a few more minutes.  I go to the bathroom first thing.  My cock is pierced, so I sit to pee when I am at home.  It's much cleaner that way.  I raise my nighty and sit on the toilet and it makes me feel very feminine.  I then stand up and go into the close to weight myself.  as I look down to see what my weight is I am looking down my body and the nighty that is on it.  If my toenails are painted I also get a rush from that view.  I take off my nighty and hang it on the hook in the closet for all to see.

I then go to my vanity and put on some women's deodorant and the new perfume Mistress bought me.  I then head to the spare bedroom with my women's clothes.  Many mornings I have a very shy mindset about getting dressed.  I plan on wearing women's jeans and a t-shirt or something equally mundane.  However, as soon as I spray the perfume on it starts working. By the time I hit the bedroom closet my mind is wanting me to dress more feminine than I had planned.  In short order, the perfume, mixed in with my morning hormones has me picking dresses and skirts instead of jeans.  I find myself putting on my highest heels, no matter how uncomfortable they are.  You can pretty much tell how horny I am by what I am wearing.  Some days it's a challenge picking out my outfit and wish that Mistress would occasionally do it for me.  Being told to wear stricter or more elaborate           outfits are a turn on and it's just not something I can do to myself very often.

After getting fully dressed, I then head downstairs.  I am already in my heels and descend the stairs being careful not to trip.  I have a certain sense of helplessness in heels, and more-so the higher they are.  I like that feeling.  I then feed the dog, prepare Mistress' coffee and do some dishes if she's not up yet.  I can see my reflection in our many windows.  Windows that don't have window coverings.  It's weird and exhilarating to see myself this way.  I used to be very paranoid about being seen by a neighbor, but as I have gotten conditioned to being dressed this way, that has mostly gone away.

When I do anything in the kitchen I am very aware of my situation.  I am 4-6 inches taller depending on the shoes I am wearing.  Being a half foot taller in a space that I am used to my normal height is a constant reminder that I am in heels.  In my higher heels I have to focus on my balance as well as not clomping around.  When I put something in the bottom rack of the dishwasher, I have a view of my shoes, feet, and skirt or dress.  It turns me on quite a bit.

If Mistress is up before me I walk into the kitchen with just the right amount of erotic humiliation.  I am embarrassed, but turned on at the same time.  I just want to be used right then and there.  If I am up before her, I am hidden behind my desk, so it has less of an effect.  

On days that I work out, I go into our basement gym and get dressed into my feminine workout clothes including my pink gym shoes.  We have lots of mirrors so I am constantly seeing myself dressed this way.  After working out, I get dressed back into my feminine office clothes.

I spend the rest of my morning getting caught up on work.  As I sit at my desk I can kind of forget my situation.  Having to get up and walk around brings thoughts of my situation flooding back.  My perfume also makes it much harder to forget my predicament as it's constantly filling my nostrils and my brain is constantly aware of just how feminine I feel.

Depending on the day of the week, I may stay like this the rest of the day.  Other days I have to go to work.  On the days I have to go to work, I head upstairs a few hours after waking.  I undress and take a shower.  While the shower gets warm I pick what feminine clothes I have to wear under my male clothes.  I'm a little fuzzy on the rules here but this is what I think they are.  I cannot wear just panties.  If I wear panties I have to wear something on my upper half like a bra, camisole, etc.  If I wear something like stockings or pantyhose on my power half I can skip the upper half.  After picking out my clothes, I take my shower. After drying off I reapply my deodorant and perfume and get dressed.

Depending on what I am wearing I am either barely aware or super aware.  Panties barely phase me.  Bras and garters with stockings are a constant reminder.  Pantyhose are somewhere in between.  This is again where the perfume does it's job.  No matter what I am wearing underneath, the perfume leaks out and fills my head with feminine and submissive feelings.  Thinking my customers can smell my perfume is a mindfuck.  As I go about my day I am constantly aware of my situation.  My bra may be digging into me or the strap could be sliding down my arm.  My stockings or pantyhose might need to be readjusted after walking down the block.  When I go to the bathroom I have to work around my situation.  I also have to send Mistress a pic of my feminine attire so she knows I am wearing it out of the house.  I love the shame I feel when I do it.

When I get done with my day I come home.  I have 30 minutes to change clothes and I am not very good doing it in time.  This is where I fail the most.  If I get home early, I proceed to put on the outfit I was wearing earlier, like I am still at work.  If I get home a bit later I put on something more casual.  If I spent the day at home I try to stay dressed until 5 pm just like a regular work day.  On the days I am home all day, I love getting out of my heels, but at the same time I am so turned on that I just wore them for 8+ hours.  I am a shoe whore.

At night, dressing casual is the most comfortable I feel, but it's also the least feminine and submissive I feel.  I don't know if it's that I hit a low in the testosterone or not.  I actually think that it's my limited amount of casual clothes.  I have one outfit that is my favorite (black workout pants and a pink pullover top) but I can't wear that every day.  I keep fantasizing about wearing leggings or yoga pants and super feminine tops that are warm and comfy.  Something that makes me feel like a young woman at a slumber party.

At bedtime I get ready for bed.  My perfume has mostly worn off so I can't really smell it.  I put on my nighty just before crawling into bed.  This used to be so difficult for me due to the shame factor, but I am so conditioned now, I pretty much do it without thinking.  I try to mix up what I wear to bed.  I have 3 nighty's that are so comfortable I can forget I am wearing them until I feel a shoulder strap.  I have one that is tight but still comfortable.  I think it's Mistress favorite.  I have 2 with padded cups that make me very aware.  The last one I wear only when Mistress makes me has padded cups and is very sheer and humiliating.  It's something out of the eighties and when I wake up in it, erotic shame comes over me.  I love/hate it.      

So that is more or less the feelings I go through every day.  I am becoming much more comfortable with Mistress' requirements.  Even though I am becoming more comfortable I am also insecure.  Does Mistress really like seeing me this way?  Does it do something for her?  She assures me that it does, but that doesn't stop the occasional doubting.  Both my comfort and my insecurity makes me fantasize about additional rules, requirements and restrictions.  I sometimes feel I have a little too much latitude in what I wear, especially underneath my outfits.    

In closing, I love the restriction and helplessness I feel in my heels.  I shudder when I go to the bathroom.  I raise my skirt, and lower my panites and sit on the seat.  My knees are 4-6 inches higher than normal and I feel like such a slut.  My perfume is a constant reminder of my femininity.  Thinking I am Mistress girlfriend or slutty slave gets me so hot.  Even though I have some insecurities, I love feeling controlled the way I do nearly 24/7.       

Post Orgasm Thoughts

The other night Mistress and I were going to bed.  I really hadn't anticipated sex of any sort, but after a minute of kissing and fondling each other, Mistress wanted my cock inside of her.  I got on top of her (I still had my nighty on) and put my cock inside her.  Mistress reached up under my nighty and pinched my nipples.  There is something about still being dressed in my nighty when we have sex that makes me feel very submissive.  It had been 10 days since my last orgasm so I was certainly on the upper end of being aroused.  Unfortunately I was just a bit too sensitive to go very long inside Mistress.  Once she sensed this I was given the order to cum.  I was so close to the edge at the time, there was no way I was going to deny myself this opportunity.  After I came I prayed that Mistress wouldn't make me eat my cum out of her.  After about 30 seconds she told me to clean her out.  I put my mouth on her pussy and my tongue inside her and started scooping my cum out of her with my tongue.  At the time I so didn't want to do it, and even thinking about doing it now makes me cringe a bit.  But at the same time my cock just got super hard writing about it.  The act doesn't turn me on, but being forced to do it does.  After about 20 seconds of me cleaning up my cum, Mistress told me to put my fingers inside her.  As I brought her close to orgasm she told me to keep licking as she was going to cum in my mouth.  10 seconds later she was gushing on my face as she had an orgasm.  I kept working my fingers inside her as she told me to keep licking.  After another half minute or so, she told me we were done.  I was well used at that point.

As I cleaned myself off, I realized I had post orgasm drop. I was still in my nighty and went through a bit of shame as I always do.  That's one of the reasons I like to deny my orgasms as much as possible.  I woke up the next morning still let down a bit.  Because of this I was reluctant to get myself dressed in feminine clothes in the morning.  However since I am committed to doing as I am told and really wishing to be pushed harder in this lifestyle, I reluctantly got dressed.  Just this act got my libido up a bit.  I was still a bit too down to post to this blog, but I was trending in the right direction.  I still wore panties and a camisole at work so I had that in my mind all day.  This morning I again got dressed feminine and obviously my libido is up enough to post.  Replaying the other night as I write this has me hard and horny.

I will always have orgasm drop.  By Mistress putting these rules and protocols in place the drop doesn't last long.  In the past I would rebel a bit after an orgasm.  I would "forget" orders she would give me before I came.  As I disobeyed, Mistress would pull back as I appeared to be disinterested, and our D/s lifestyle would go in reverse.  Now that I have rules in place, and Mistress has demonstrated she will punish me instead of pulling back, I feel like we have momentum.  There is something to be said about pushing even harder after an orgasm.  Making me submit when my libido is down is a great mind fuck.  

Now that I have had my orgasm I want to keep working on being intimate as much as possible so that I can focus on Mistress' pleasure.  I love being used by Mistress and not having her take my pleasure into account.  I have had a long held fantasy of being a sex slave and this really goes a long way toward that.  My purpose is to please her and be used as she sees fit.

Here are a couple more outfits that I have been wearing.  I am trying to wear something new each day but that gets harder as I get deeper into my closet.

     

The last few days

The last few days have had Mistress and I going through our normal lives.  Our new normal has me wearing women's clothes whenever I am home.  I have to admit, the more I wear clothes, the more I get into it.  I am starting to take pride in the outfits, as if I were going to go out in the clothes.  While I am more comfortable, I am also insecure.  I had to ask Mistress to reaffirm that she likes seeing me dressed.  She said "yes I like it.  When I start making you wear makeup you'll really now how much I like it".  Just typing that got my cock hard.  Here are outfits over the last couple days (I missed a picture one day).

I had recently bought a 3D printed chastity device.  At first it was wonderful, but something happened and now, whenever I wear it I get swollen and the skin around the device turns red and flaky.  I believe I am alergic the plastic used to make the device.  I believe they coat it in paraffin or something similar when they make it, but now that it has worn off, I have a reaction.  To make sure it's that specific device, I have been wearing my stainless device off and on for the last few days.  I have no issues with the steel device, other than the weight and the bulkiness of it.  It's much harder to wear this device than the plastic one.  I am now researching metal devices that are similar to my plastic device.  In the meantime I need to try wearing my old school CB3000 plastic device, to rule out any issues before I invest in another device.  I want to make sure the tighter devices don't cause any skin issues.

The last few days Mistress has been a little pushier.  When she ran out of wine one night, she told me that it was my job to keep her wine stock replenished.  That same night she told me to do the laundry the next day.  That is one job she has kept for herself so it was very hot to be told to do it.  Thursday night Mistress had a girls night out. She made me drop her off so she could Uber back home.  When she got home she had me unlock myself and we had sex.  I made sure to have her cum and I didn't get an orgasm.  Last night, at bedtime Mistress got the bed ready for sex and again, she used my cock and fingers to get her off.  Shortly after she orgasmed, she told me she was done with me.  I pulled out and started cleaning up.  As I did, she told me to lock myself back in chastity.  I can't remember the last time she told me to lock my cock up after sex.  Being told what to do, and being used for sex, has my submissive mind soaring.  I woke up early this morning with my cock straining against its steel cage.  All my mind could think of was Mistress doing something painful, something humiliating or something challenging to me.  I am feeling so horny this morning.         

Conflicted

When it comes to feminization, I am fairly conflicted.  Sure, I have lots of fantasies about it, and I have a fairly good wardrobe from which to chose.  However I frequently have to convince myself that being dressed is OK.

As a child I remember trying on my mother's or sister's clothes when I was so young it wasn't even sexual.  As I went through puberty I would occasionally masturbate wearing a pair of panytyose or something similar.  Often times tying myself up while doing so.  As soon as I would cum, I would be so ashamed and humiliated.  I would swear to never touch another piece of women's clothing.

When I was a teen I would steal panties from the dresser of a friend's sister, or a local store.  I would wear the panties occasionally and keep them hidden away.  Back then, my go to method of masturbating was me lying on my stomach and rubbing my cock into the mattress or a pillow.  When I got in the mood to use the panties I owned I would put them on.  I would tie my ankles together with rope, a belt or a tie.  I would then tie my knees together.  I would gag and blindfold myself and then roll onto my belly.  I would take another piece of clothing like a shirt.  I would put my wrists in the arm holes behind my back and I would twist my wrists spinning the shirt until it had my hands restrained.  I would hump the mattress and edge myself until I couldn't take it any more and would then have an orgasm.  I would be lying in my cum until I could free my arms.  Eventually I would go through the same shame and humiliation and throw everything away.

As a young adult, I started having partners that I could share my fetish with a bit.  This allowed me to re-acquire some feminine items without having to hide them too much.  It was still very mild compared to today.  But when a breakup would occur I would discard the items in shame yet again.  This was in the days before the internet, so I had no clue how widespread crossdressing was.

This cycle would repeat itself over and over.  As I got older my dressing in women's clothes got a bit more advanced.  I acquired makeup and would very occasionally dress and put on makeup.  The biggest humiliation I would experience would be if I dressed, put on makeup, tied myself up and came.  I would have major post orgasm drop, and would start to clean up.  I would see myself in the mirror with makeup that takes forever to clean up.  I would feel like such a freak of nature.  I would have clothes that would need to be hidden.  A few days later I would be ok, but it would be months before I would do this to myself again.

When I was married, my wife somewhat encouraged my dressing.  Even though she encouraged it, I hid a lot from her.  I traveled at the time.  I would frequently go on a trip and as soon as I got to my destination, I would hit a Walmart or Target and buy some pantyhose or stockings.  I would wear them out to dinner and when I was back in my room.  Those days I masturbated 2-3 times a day.  I would throw the clothes away before I got home. Several times in my marriage, she would have me dress more often, but it would ebb and flow.  I never got the feeling she really liked it.  After we split, I took every bit of kink related items to a storage unit.  If there was one thing I learned over the years, it was that this need would come back into my life.

That takes me to my current relationship.  Not long after I met Mistress I was in the storage unit getting some kinky items to show her, including clothes.  Once Mistress found out about the clothes she made me put on every single item of women's clothes I owned.  She put the clothes into 2 piles, one I could keep, the other I had to get rid of.  She said that she wanted me to be her classy and sexy girlfriend, not a tramp (although I do believe slutty occasionally has a place).  For the next few months, Mistress had me dress frequently.  When we would go out to the movies, I had to be wearing panties, garters and stockings.  When I would come over to her house she told me what to wear under my clothes.  She bought me nighties to wear at her house.  At my house we would have elaborate nights with me in full dress, makeup.  We would have dinner and drinks.  Mistress would make me pose while she took pictures of me.  Then we would have sex, frequently with her taking me with her strapon.  I felt like her girlfriend when we did that.  She allowed me to start accepting being dressed in women's clothes for the first time in my life.

Yesterday Mistress had me wear something feminine "top and bottom" under my male clothes.  I chose a pink camisole, and pink panties.  At our friend's house for brunch Mistress kept pinching my sore nipples, hitting me in the balls and reaching into my shirt to remind me of my camisole.  When we got home I started to strip so I could get back into my dress and heels.  Mistress stopped me when I was just in my panties and camisole.  She told me if I stayed that way I could skip putting the dress and heels back on.  Since I was buzzed from brunch I went with it.  Looking back, I am embarrassed that I paraded around for hours that way.

Today, I am sitting at my desk in a black and white dress with black boots.  My head's spinning after reminiscing about my past.  I am still conflicted, but I think that is a good thing.  I will never be one that wants to "show off" my dressing.  I will always be a bit reluctant to be dressed.  I am glad I don't fully enjoy being dressed.  I live for the mind-fuck.  The shame and humiliation is what does it for me.  The threat of being dressed in public.  Mistress treating me like a woman.  Seeing my feminine self in a mirror when I feel masculine puts butterflies in my stomach.

All of that being said, Mistress has assured me that she truly does enjoy seeing me dressed feminine.  That's important to me as if she didn't then this wouldn't be fun. Having her tell me that she now expects me to be dressed 24/7 at home is a great mind-fuck.  Adding shoes to my outfit made it that much more real.  If she decides to add anything else I am sure it will have the same effect.  The more she pushes the more I am in awe.

Since I am conflicted, having to decide what to wear causes me sensual stress.  I feel very controlled and erotically humiliated.  At the end of the day, I think I have the perfect balance of acceptance and reluctance and that make it work.

What I really have is the greatest Mistress a guy girl like me could have.                                

Orgasms and Tightening the screws

Toward the end of last week Mistress used me well.  2 days in a row she had me pleasuring her with my cock as long as I could stand it and then my fingers.  Mistress told me to cum both days, but I begged her to not make me cum.  She asked me how long I wanted to wait.  I told her 90-180 days. She threatened to tie me down and make me cum sometime soon.  She doesn't understand why I don't want to cum.

It's taken me a few days but I think I figured out a way to explain it.  Mistress can orgasm easily and she can orgasm multiple times.  She can orgasm multiple times several times a day.  She loves orgasms.  I too can orgasm easily.  I can only orgasm once (so far) at a time.  In many cases my libido is gone for hours to days.  Now getting super close to orgasm is the closest I can get to being multi-orgasmic.  I can get 90-95% of the feeling of an orgasm without actually having to cross the line.  I would much rather edge 20-30 times and not have an orgasm than have just one orgasm.  I get all of the benefits of an orgasm without any of the negatives.

I am starting to think of an orgasm as a punishment rather than a reward.  I am riding a wave of sexual energy that keeps me super aroused.  It keeps me focused on being subservient to my Mistress.  It makes me want to serve.  It makes me want to get naughtier and nastier.  It makes me much easier to manipulate.  If I were to cum, these things would be much harder.

In fact I imagine Mistress telling me I need to be punished.  She would tie me to the bed and make me cum without even one edge.  Then she would untie me, lock me in chastity, make me dress in women's clothes, beat my ass and then lock me in the cage.  All of that happening after a forced orgasm would be brutal for me to deal with.  I would have no libido to mentally get me through it.

Even just having a regular orgasm in the course of making love, takes me down too far.  I hate the rest I have to go through, but Mistress makes the rest happen faster.  By making me dress and serve, I can get my libido back rather fast.  I just prefer to not have to start over.

Switching topics.  Tightening the screws.  We have been making great strides in advancing our Female Led relationship.  Spending time in the cage was huge for me mentally.  On Friday Mistress added a bra, stockings and heels to my attire around the house.  I felt like an office secretary.  Mistress has also been pushing me when I slack off a bit.  Last night I was wrapping up work (still in my male clothes) and she told me dinner would be ready after I changed.  I love that she is keeping up with my tasks.  It would be easy to let things slide, but she hasn't, which I appreciate greatly.  This is becoming more and more real.

As we progress I look forward to Mistress tightening the screws on me.  I love the idea of her making me feel more and more controlled.  At bedtime every night I would get to make her orgasm multiple times while my cock is ignored.  If she doesn't like my outfit for the day, she would make me change.  She would pick my daily outfit for me.  She would add to my discomfort and humiliation whenever possible.  Making me wear a bra more often (with inserts).  Plugging my ass. Making me wear heels more often, Putting me in the cage for no reason.  Making me go outside dressed up.  Pretty much anything just to fuck with me and challenge me.  I am in such a zone that I want to endure just for the sake of enduring.  Seeing Mistress get off on making me suffer makes me so horny.

Wearing heels and a corset in the cage is a brutal idea

 

It's about control

Last night Mistress totally mindfucked me.  After we got into bed and were saying goodnight to each other, she mentioned yesterday's blog post.  I am paraphrasing here.  "Tomorrow or Thursday you will be locked in the cage in the basement"  I was stunned.  I didn't know what to say.  I asked her what that meant as I was thinking I would be locked in the cage all day while I worked.  She said "based on your blog post today, you seem to be egging me on to lock you in the cage".  "You seem to think I don't have it in me".  She went on to tell me that I will be locked up from around 7-9pm.  I won't have my phone.  She will make sure I am wearing something humiliating and/or something uncomfortable.  She also told me I will be locked in chastity as we both had a chuckle about what I would do to my cock if I had access to it.  She added that if there was one bit of negativity I would be sleeping in the extra bedroom for a week.  I like that instead of pulling back the D/s dynamic if I was pissy that she was going to double down on it.  I had an instant hard on.  Mistress told me to go to bed and she left me like that.

My head was spinning.  Her saying that just before bed was such a mind fuck  Then I started to question myself.  What kind of guy gets so turned on about being locked in a cage?  A cage I know will be brutally boring.  Then it hit me.  It's not the cage.  The cage is just a tool.  It's the loss of control.  Then I realized that every little thing I fantasize about is about control.  Whether it's bondage, chastity, a collar locked around my neck, women's clothes, humiliation, shaving, nail polish, butt plugs, cum eating, beatings, breath-play, serving my Mistress, chores and even cages, those are just tools for what I really crave, loss of control.  As I thought more about it, asking her to be meaner is just me asking to have more control taken away from me.  It even seems less mean to me when I look at it this way.

As I tried to go to sleep after her comments my mind started running through scenarios.  I tried imagining how it would look.  What would she make me wear?  I thought about having to get on my knees to be able to crawl into the cage.  I imagined the lock being clicked shut. I imagined the lights out and me sitting in the dark.  Even though I would be bored, my submissive mind would be running a million miles an hour.  Then I imagined being let out.  The humility I would feel.  Doing everything in my power to be positive about the experience.

I am excited and a little scared about being locked in the cage.  That being said, I intend to own it 100%.  Mistress is right, I have egged her on.  Not to be a pushy bottom, but because I want her to be confident doling out punishments when I deserve them.  I want her to know I am more than OK with her tightening her grip over me.  I also want to train myself to accept my fate.  By accepting punishments gracefully I can grow in my submission and serve my Mistress better.

In closing I want Mistress to know I am looking forward to a new experience.  If she wants to lock me up earlier and/or later, I will not question it.  Whatever she decides to make me wear, or make me do I will do.  I will be positive when I go in the cage, while I am in the cage and when I get out of the cage.  I will thank her for doing this for me us.  I will write a full report on my time in the cage, good and bad.  It is my intention to make this such a good experience that Mistress will be looking for reasons to lock me up!

  



    

Being meaner to someone you love.

This sums me up nicely

I sent Mistress a blog post to read that I found interesting.  She found another post it that same blog that she forwarded to me.  The post is about trying to maintain D/s in a long term relationship.  Here is the jist of the article.

"I've always found it difficult to be a good Domme to someone I love. For me, it takes a little distance to dominate someone well. But being IN love with my sub seems to make domming even more challenging for me. Cohabitation didn't help matters..."

Mistress seems to believe she has this same challenge.  She has a hard time being "mean" to me because of our closeness.  When we first started dating, Mistress came up with some pretty good and intense scenes.  She ordered me into chastity more readily.  She tied me up or dominated me in some other way almost every time we were together.  She would punish me for even being one minute late to our dates.  She would require me to be wearing panties, stocking and garters when we went to the movies.  She would text me several times a day telling me her evil thoughts.

Now dating for 6 years and living together for 5 years has us in a very comfortable relationship.  We have our routines and responsibilities that keeps us grounded.  We also get along with each other better than we have with past partners.  We both believe we are in the best relationship of our lives and wouldn't change that for anything in the world.  Now don't get me wrong.  Mistress can still be plenty mean.  She can beat the insides of my thighs until I am bruised and she can smack me in the calls until I can feel it in my stomach.  She has it in her.  I'm just hoping to get her to the next level as a sadist.  There is nothing that turns me on seeing her get dripping wet when she hurts me.

Mistress was speculating last night that if we weren't so close and familiar she thinks she could be meaner.  There just isn't a good way to test out this theory as we obviously aren't going to break up to see if she will be meaner to me.

She asked me to post to this blog the idea of having another Mistress come to our house and teach her how to be meaner to me.  For those of you reading this, please leave a comment if you have any input or ideas on this.

I can appreciate Mistress's point of view.  Our first couple of play scenes was with me dominating Mistress.  They went OK, but not great.  First off, she thought she was submissive.  I quickly helped her realize she wasn't.  When she was put in a situation that she couldn't get out of she fought back  (and not in a submissive way).  When I slapped her in the face several times, she didn't ask me to stop, but took it.  Again, not in a submissive way.  My attempt to Dom her stopped at that time and we started shifting to a female dominant relationship.

Now if Mistress kept insisting she was submissive, I would have kept going and kept trying.  So long as she was begging to be treated this way, I would push through, being sure to get both of our needs and wants met.  Would I have a harder time being "mean" after 5 or 6 years?  I don't think so.  If she wanted me to treat her badly (because she liked it), I really believe I could do it.

I don't see D/s or even intense and sadistic D/s as "mean".  To me, mean is doing something to someone with the intention of hurting them in a way that is purposefully negative.  In the context of a consensual D/s "mean" is a positive.

There are many activities in the D/s world that are barbaric to those on the outside.  Stun guns, waterboarding, breath control, needle play, cutting, branding, beatings, spanking, choking, pissing, collars, chains, rape, bondage, etc.  All of these items in a prison or a military setting are considered torture.  In the D/s world there are thousands of people worldwide that use many of these same things to have their needs met.  When done consensually a barbaric torture can be an erotic fantasy come true.

Now I can try to rationalize that treating me in bad ways makes sense, but that doesn't really address Mistress's problem of trying to be meaner to me in our day to day.  I don't want discount her insecurities as they are as real as my insecurities.  I would like for us both to push through our insecurities to take us to the next level.  Here are some random thoughts on this topic that popped up in my head about how to make this transition.  I do not intend for any of this to be topping from the bottom, merely ways to help promote dialog and set positive examples.

• Trust.  We have been together for so long I trust Mistress implicitly.  Because of this I can trust her meanness to be exactly what I need.  She can also trust that I won't ask for something I can't handle.
• Don't think of it as being mean.  A personal trainer isn't mean to his clients.  He pushes them past their comfort level and he challenges them.  Some people get sore after working out with a trainer, some even get sick because they got pushed so hard.  In the end the customer likes the experience so much they pay the trainer and schedule another appointment.  Is that mean?
• Have me be mean to myself as a demonstration.  I can be very mean to myself.  Would it help if I created a scene for Mistress to watch so she could see what I can endure?  I have dozens of self torture scenes or situations I can think of to demonstrate.
• Lock myself in the cage.  Mistress still has yet to do this to me.  I would get up early one morning or wait until she stepped out for an appointment.  I would lock myself up and toss the key out of reach and send her a picture of me locked up.  Would that help or hurt?
• Start watching porn videos or reading femdom blogs of real people.  I have collected a large library of all types of D/s movies and can recommend many blogs.  One of the things Mistress did when we first met is she watched a lot of porn and did a lot of research on D/s.  I believe that these things normalize the activities and makes mean seem not so mean.  It also gets the creative juices flowing.
• Have me find an online Domme or Dom.  Tell them our situation and have me follow their instructions while Mistress watches or participates at her comfort level.  
• Have Mistress find an online sub.  Someone she could practice on and see if distance creates an ability to be meaner.
• Some Mistress's have their slave sleep in a separate room and use a separate bathroom.  This creates the needed distance in their minds to treat their slave more slave-like.  A week as a test might be interesting
• Create different personas.  By taking on a character, you can compartmentalize the sadist from the loving partner.  I use my Sophia personality as an alternate personality to make being fully feminized more palatable.  If we ever went out in public I would be fully in my Sophia personality. 
• Find a pro-domme to mentor us.  I imagine a first appointment where I direct the torture.  I think it would a positive to see how much I would take.  From there, we could have the domme help Mistress with where she wants to take me.  I can also imagine Mistress seeing this domme dominate other men to see how common this desire to be treated badly is.
• 24, 48, 72 hours of pure D/s.  We plan a time for me to be a 100% slave.  I would have a safe word or 2, but unless I used it, Mistress could push as hard as she desires.  

In short, I would love it if Mistress were meaner.  We have all the time in the world so we can take small steps.  Just know that I am "all in".  I also want you to enjoy being meaner.  I will do whatever it takes to make that happen.

If any readers have any ideas, your comments would be appreciated.  

Reflection on the week

Since Monday morning I am back in slave mode.  I am collared, dressed in feminine wear, following instructions and tasks and trying to be more of service.  Here are some thoughts so far.

On Monday Mistress and I went out to happy hour with one of her friends.  I am currently not drinking so I just had water.  Mistress and her friend proceeded to drink and gossip.  I felt something at the time, but it didn't really click until last night.  I was essentially her chauffeur.  I have fantasized about Mistress making me dress up and taking a group of women out on the town.  I wouldn't join them, I would just be there to drive them around and get them home safely.  I also fantasize about Mistress controlling my food and drink when we go out.  Now she didn't say I couldn't drink, but it was easy for my mind to make the leap.  Over the next month of me not drinking I can see Mistress making me feel more like her servant when we do out than an equal partner.  Hot!

I am having to dive deeper into my feminine closet.  It scares me yet excites me.  I am trying to be safe and deniable with what I wear, but Mistress has added a challenge of not allowing me to wear the same thing in the same week.  In my opinion that leaves it a little too safe for me.  I will wear my 7 safest outfits each week.  Instead, I imagine having to wear every item at least once prior to being able to start over on my wardrobe.  Once I wear it, it goes into a hamper until I've worn everything.  That would mean I would be in some pretty skimpy/slutty dresses for a few days.  The thought makes me shudder.  I also think of being required to wear additional items like bras, breast forms, wigs, and high heels.  That would be the right kind of mean.

Also, I wore three different feminine items under my male clothes while at work this week.  A pair of control top pantyhose, a pair of heavy duty pink leggings and a body shaper.  All of them kept my cock squished down and made me feel very constricted.  Mistress said "it's good for you".  I can't agree more.

Lastly, I feel that I have failed a couple times this week.  The requirement is that I have to be dressed femme within 30 minutes of coming home.  I failed twice.  Once on Wednesday when I got home from work, and yesterday after we ran a morning errand.  In both cases I continued to be dressed in my male clothes for well over an hour.  To make matters worse, yesterday I had items to put on about 20 feet away from me.  I believe the failure occurred due to me wanting to maintain that last little bit of control as well as me fighting some internal insecurities.  Even this morning I had to overcome this problem.  We have some company coming over this morning.  I intended to wear my male clothes until they left.  Instead I sucked it up and put on some pink yoga pants and a feminine sweatshirt.  I will change clothes 10 minutes before they get here, but I will be wearing feminine items under my male clothes.  Regardless I feel there should be consequences for failing.  I really, really want to do as I'm told 100% and need to be held accountable to make this work.

  

Collars, Control and Orgasms

I've worn a collar on and off for the last 6 years.  It's very deniable and looks good, but it really shows when I wear a t-shirt.  People ask about it but no one really gets what it symbolizes.  The one I wear is this one https://wyredslave.com/product/ouroboros-collar-5mm-14-stainless-steel/  Sometimes when I wear it for long periods of time, it seems routine.  Also, Mistress never really comments on it, so I end up with doubts and negative self-talk about wearing the collar.  The result is that I will take it off for long periods of time.  Mistress may notice, but I don't really know as she doesn't mention it.  The other day Mistress told me I needed to be wearing my collar at all times except when bathing.  I keep my body shaved, so being able to remove the collar at will is a nice option.  The problem is it also allows me to remove it when I get insecure.  Since I want to delve deeper into this lifestyle I used the "key" that came with the collar to lock it on.  I then took that key, and taped it into an envelope and sealed it shut.  I gave the envelope to Mistress for her to write on it in her handwriting so that we have a tamper proof way for me to have access to the key if she wishes.  Since it is now locked on, the collar feels different.  The only way it is coming off now is for us to have a discussion.  I like that.

What this also made me realize is that for the last 6 years I have had control over when I wore the collar.  It;s a tiny bit of control, but I hadn't fully relinquished it.  That has made me realize that I tend to do that much more than I realized.  Whether it's wearing feminine items, maintaining my nail polish, doing tasks, following rules, cleaning up my cum with my tongue, I still manage to have some control over the situation.  That makes it hard to truly submit.  So now I will be looking for ways to give up that last bit of control I desperately cling to.  I think a large part of my past disobedience in the past can be tied to me fighting giving up that last tiny bit of control.  I really look forward to giving it up and seeing where that takes us.  As they say, you aren't truly submitting until you are doing things you don't want to do, just to please your Domme.

Lastly, it has been almost a month since I have cum.  The last week has certainly seen my libido increase by leaps and bounds.  Last night while trying to get to sleep I realized that my orgasms are unnecessary.  Sure, I like them, but I have learned to enjoy the lack of them even more.  The chemicals that build up in my system from not cumming.  The constant yearning.  The more deep and dark my fantasies become.  These are all more important to me than having an orgasm.  I think of TV shows and movies where the bad guys give their prisoner or hostage drugs to make them confess or to make them more controllable.  In my case, the drugs are all natural, but they certainly make me easier to control and more agreeable to what Mistress wants.  An orgasm is the only thing that seems to screw that up.  Now while I want to give up a majority of my orgasms, I don't want to give them all up.  You have to know what you are missing to really miss it.  That also doesn't mean I don't want to give up having my cock inside Mistress as much as possible.  In fact I have been reading about ways to train myself to not cum, while giving Mistress as many orgasms as possible, with my cock,  It just involves training myself to slow down and push though the need to cum.  Apparently guys can have an orgasm (or multiple) without ejaculating and the inevitable drop that occurs.  This woman talks about having her husband trained to give her dozens of orgasms with his cock and him not cumming at all for months.  http://flr101.blogspot.com/2016/07/introduction-female-led-relationship-wife-led-marriage-flr-wlm.html

To me that would be the holy grail.

Insecurity can go both ways

A quick recap of yesterday.   I worked out in my pink outfit.  Our workout room has lots of mirrors and every time I caught a glimpse of myself in my outfit, I had the perfect amount of humiliation wash over me.  After working out, I came upstairs and had to enter the room Mistress was in.  The erotic shame hit all of my buttons perfectly.  After that I spent another hour dressed but was OK with it.  Like it was normal.  Well played Mistress.

Last night while getting ready for bed, Mistress expressed some reservations about putting me in the cage.  I have been so focused on why I disobey that I hadn't given much thought about the insecurities or other feelings that Mistress may have.  She didn't go deep into her feelings, but I imagine they are similar to mine.  What kind of woman keeps her man in a cage?  How will her slave react in real life if she goes through with it?  If she truly gets as mean as he wants, can he handle it?  Can she really do this?

At some point I will wish I didn't write this, but know it's necessary.  It's been five and a half years since I was put in the cage.  We were a brand new couple.  I was more insecure than I am now about submitting to her.  I was pissy and had an attitude.  It didn't work out.  Could it?  Possibly, but neither of us was equipped to do it at the time.

Fast forward to today.  The cage is set up.  It's inescapable as far as our needs.  She has sentenced me to time in the cage, and I have agreed that it's something we should explore.  I need real world consequences that have a D/s influence.  I need something that truly allows me to reflect, something to knock me down a peg, and something to enforce my place in our world.   Chastity and beatings are part of that, but they take effort and the bondage part rewards me.  While the cage is bondage-y, it's also very mundane.  I can't imagine anything more effective than to crawl out of the cage on my hands and knees at Mistress feet and thank her for the privilege of serving her.

Now for the logistics.  Starting small makes sense. I don't know how many hours Mistress has planned for me, but guess it's in the 8-12 range and counting.  Instead of my first time being overnight, maybe we start with me in the cage in 2-4 hour increments.  Having me use the restroom before hand for shorter duration's and providing a bottle to pee in for longer duration's.  What will I wear?  Naked? Chastity if my hands are free?  Feminine clothes?  Straight jacket?  Blindfold?  Hood? Humbler?

She could make cage time harder.  Have me put a spiked mat in the bottom of the cage.  Restrain me uncomfortable positions.  Plugged.  Use wooden rods to keep me in a position.

We live a busy life, so when is it a good time to lock me up if we don't do it over night?  When Mistress takes naps.  For the first half of our day on weekends.  For a few hours in the evenings.  When Mistress has nail and hair appointments.  It turns out there is a lot of time.  She could also lock me up during the days I work from home, but that would require my having access to my cell phone and a computer.  I have even considered the thought of being caged from 5pm on a Friday to 8am on a Monday.  Let out 3 times a day (while shackled) to use the restroom and stretch.  My meals would be served in the cage.  Talk about a mind fuck. 

Additionally we have a camera that could be put in the room to monitor me so Mistress doesn't have to enter the room I am locked in.  That can add to the isolation but also help her alleviate any guilt feelings.

Lastly I should remain in the cage until I am sufficiently humble.  Being pissy is not an option.  I am certain I will be pissy, but that just means I am working through some stuff in my head.  It means I need to be pushed past my inner doubts into acceptance of my submission.

All of that being said, I am ready and willing to start serving my sentence.  I want Mistress to feel secure in the idea that she can lock me up and I will take it as positively as possible.  I am not looking forward to the cage, but I am looking forward to the loss of control and Mistress being meaner.  I am also looking forward to Mistress being much more secure in taking control.  The cage should help with this.  

  

                

Understanding Disobedience

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