Monday, January 23, 2017

Normalizing

Over the years (since I was a kid) I have dabbled with dressing in articles of women's clothing.  Often times I would go several months without wearing anything.  Very rarely would I ever wear something more than a couple times a month.  This excludes panties, which I have at time worn them most every day.  Panties, while feminine, are essentially the same basic design as men's underwear.  Wearing panties can easily be forgotten and ignored.  Over the last 20 years I have acquired a fuller wardrobe, but until recently that didn't mean much.  I still had the same reservations about dressing feminine and would only occasionally dress up and when I did I sexualized it.

Over the last few months, I have been dressed feminine almost every day.  With Mistress pushing my limits I find I am more and more used to being dressed.  I find myself thinking of outfits to wear.  I work hard on trying to dress in a way that a woman would in real life vs a slutty character. I have really enjoyed the smell of the perfume Mistress bought for me.  I look forward to putting on uncomfortable shoes.

Yesterday Mistress and I went out of town for the night.  I asked her to pick out my nighty for the trip.  She told me that she wasn't going to make me wear one and that I could also skip panties.  I was a little disappointed and told her she was too nice sometimes.  She mentioned that by doing this I would be reminded what it's like to not be dressed and being dressed again would have a bigger effect.

When we got home today I wanted to dress right away, but had some work to catch up on.  The second I got a break I went upstairs and dressed in a skirt she mentioned she liked.  I added panites, a blouse and heels.  I was happy to be dressed again.

Even though I am getting used to it, and in some cases yearning for it, I don't see me doing this to myself if Mistress and I weren't together any longer.  It's very much a part of our D/s lifestyle.  I do it because she wants me to and I like not having control over the situation.  It's like chastity.  I have a few devices, but I would very rarely (if ever) wear one of I wasn't required to.

All that being said, I do like being dressed and even locked up, but only because of my amazing Mistress.  I am still amazed that the meaner she is to me, the more devoted I become.





      

Friday, January 20, 2017

Why would someone ask to be punished?

That is the question that came into my mind in the middle of the night.  I woke up around 1:00 AM and with my now constant state of horniness, I decided to write a post, asking for punishment.  But why on earth would anyone do that?  It's one thing to ask to "play", but it's another to ask for a true punishment, something I will wish didn't happen.



It's been slightly over 4 weeks since our last scene.  While Mistress punished me she also pleasured me.  My punishment was so good that I still have marks from those nasty rubber bands.  After that scene my behavior was top notch.  Since then, I have slacked a bit.  I have gone a few afternoon/evenings without dressing feminine as required.  On our trip I purposely didn't wear my nighty one night.  I have been less than diligent on dressing back into women's clothes within 30 minutes of arriving home.  I have been poor at opening doors for her.  In short, I am due for punishment.  Last week Mistress hinted that I would spend last Sunday or Monday the holiday locked in the cage.  That came and went due to us hanging out as a normal couple as well as my time in a cage takes away from her time with me.  However, having that threat hanging over me has improved my behavior.

So why am I asking to be punished now?  In reality, all men in relationships get punished for doing wrong.  In vanilla relationships it's done by withholding sex, getting the silent treatment, or general passive aggressiveness.  Often times it ends in arguments and animosity and is usually negative.  In a D/s relationship, punishment is straightforward.  I mess up, I get punished, and we move on.  Mistress communicates her feelings, I own up to what I have done wrong and we both have time to process the experience.  Mistress can forgive me since I have paid for my sins.  I feel it brings us closer together.  It certainly resets the tone of our relationship.

That brings me to my current thoughts.  Mistress has an appointment early tomorrow.  I imagined myself getting up early, making sure the morning tasks were complete and then being locked in the cage until after her appointment, or many hours after her appointment.  Since she will be out of the house and to be safe, I would have access to the key.  The key would be locked in the cage using one of my chastity device tamper proof locks.  If an emergency happened, I could cut the plastic lock which would give me access to the steel lock.  This way I would be locked, but safe.  Mistress could monitor me remotely with a camera.

I also thought of her locking me in my straight jacket without any additional restrictions on my movements.  We have door knobs in our house that I could maneuver with my feet or mouth in case of a true emergency and get out.  It would be embarrassing, but safe.  Of course I would be bored and having to reflect on my crimes as I couldn't access the TV or my phone.  I would be helpless, but free to move about.

I contemplated her giving me a list or menial tasks or chores to do as punishment.

I also considered being tied face down and given a thorough painful strapping on my ass.  A quick and decisive punishment that wouldn't take much time at all.

I was also reminded of one Mistress that makes her slave sit in the car without any entertainment during her appointments.  It keeps his mind focused on her.

I could keep going on with my ideas, but that defeats the purpose.  The purpose of this post is to find out why I am asking for punishment.

  • First and foremost, it tells me that Mistress is committed to our D/s or Female Led Relationship.  Even though she is hurting me, she is showing me she cares in a way that speaks to my soul.  
  • Next, accountability.  I need to be held accountable or I will slide in my duties.  It's not intentional that I slide, I believe it's natural.  Being punished ensures that I am held accountable.
  • Confidence.  When Mistress punishes me and I take it well, we both grow.  Mistress can be confident that she owns me and can do with me as she wishes and I can be confident in my submission as her slave.
  • Lastly, punishment pushes me past my limits.  I never dreamed I'd be dressed feminine almost 24/7.  Without the fear of real punishment I wouldn't be this far along this path.  Being afraid of the punishment more than the fear of humiliation is a powerful motivator.                              
Whether or not I will be punished any time soon is a mystery to me.  I just needed to write down my thoughts on it.



Thursday, January 19, 2017

Thoughts While Feminzed

For the last 3 or so months, Mistress has had me dressed feminine as much as possible.  Because it is nearly 24/7 that I am wearing something feminine I have a ton of thoughts that go through my mind all day long.  Here is a synopsis of one of my days.

I sleep in a nighty every night and have been for over a year.  I am also one that tosses and turns quite a bit as I like to flip from sleeping on my right and left sides.  I frequently wake up while doing this and without fail I realize I am a submissive man sleeping in a nighty.  I'm more or less used to it physically but mentally it still makes me swoon a bit.

When I get out of bed, I could take off my nighty immediately, but instead I choose to prolong my feminization, so I stay in my nighty for a few more minutes.  I go to the bathroom first thing.  My cock is pierced, so I sit to pee when I am at home.  It's much cleaner that way.  I raise my nighty and sit on the toilet and it makes me feel very feminine.  I then stand up and go into the close to weight myself.  as I look down to see what my weight is I am looking down my body and the nighty that is on it.  If my toenails are painted I also get a rush from that view.  I take off my nighty and hang it on the hook in the closet for all to see.

I then go to my vanity and put on some women's deodorant and the new perfume Mistress bought me.  I then head to the spare bedroom with my women's clothes.  Many mornings I have a very shy mindset about getting dressed.  I plan on wearing women's jeans and a t-shirt or something equally mundane.  However, as soon as I spray the perfume on it starts working. By the time I hit the bedroom closet my mind is wanting me to dress more feminine than I had planned.  In short order, the perfume, mixed in with my morning hormones has me picking dresses and skirts instead of jeans.  I find myself putting on my highest heels, no matter how uncomfortable they are.  You can pretty much tell how horny I am by what I am wearing.  Some days it's a challenge picking out my outfit and wish that Mistress would occasionally do it for me.  Being told to wear stricter or more elaborate           outfits are a turn on and it's just not something I can do to myself very often.

After getting fully dressed, I then head downstairs.  I am already in my heels and descend the stairs being careful not to trip.  I have a certain sense of helplessness in heels, and more-so the higher they are.  I like that feeling.  I then feed the dog, prepare Mistress' coffee and do some dishes if she's not up yet.  I can see my reflection in our many windows.  Windows that don't have window coverings.  It's weird and exhilarating to see myself this way.  I used to be very paranoid about being seen by a neighbor, but as I have gotten conditioned to being dressed this way, that has mostly gone away.

When I do anything in the kitchen I am very aware of my situation.  I am 4-6 inches taller depending on the shoes I am wearing.  Being a half foot taller in a space that I am used to my normal height is a constant reminder that I am in heels.  In my higher heels I have to focus on my balance as well as not clomping around.  When I put something in the bottom rack of the dishwasher, I have a view of my shoes, feet, and skirt or dress.  It turns me on quite a bit.


If Mistress is up before me I walk into the kitchen with just the right amount of erotic humiliation.  I am embarrassed, but turned on at the same time.  I just want to be used right then and there.  If I am up before her, I am hidden behind my desk, so it has less of an effect.  

On days that I work out, I go into our basement gym and get dressed into my feminine workout clothes including my pink gym shoes.  We have lots of mirrors so I am constantly seeing myself dressed this way.  After working out, I get dressed back into my feminine office clothes.

I spend the rest of my morning getting caught up on work.  As I sit at my desk I can kind of forget my situation.  Having to get up and walk around brings thoughts of my situation flooding back.  My perfume also makes it much harder to forget my predicament as it's constantly filling my nostrils and my brain is constantly aware of just how feminine I feel.

Depending on the day of the week, I may stay like this the rest of the day.  Other days I have to go to work.  On the days I have to go to work, I head upstairs a few hours after waking.  I undress and take a shower.  While the shower gets warm I pick what feminine clothes I have to wear under my male clothes.  I'm a little fuzzy on the rules here but this is what I think they are.  I cannot wear just panties.  If I wear panties I have to wear something on my upper half like a bra, camisole, etc.  If I wear something like stockings or pantyhose on my power half I can skip the upper half.  After picking out my clothes, I take my shower. After drying off I reapply my deodorant and perfume and get dressed.

Depending on what I am wearing I am either barely aware or super aware.  Panties barely phase me.  Bras and garters with stockings are a constant reminder.  Pantyhose are somewhere in between.  This is again where the perfume does it's job.  No matter what I am wearing underneath, the perfume leaks out and fills my head with feminine and submissive feelings.  Thinking my customers can smell my perfume is a mindfuck.  As I go about my day I am constantly aware of my situation.  My bra may be digging into me or the strap could be sliding down my arm.  My stockings or pantyhose might need to be readjusted after walking down the block.  When I go to the bathroom I have to work around my situation.  I also have to send Mistress a pic of my feminine attire so she knows I am wearing it out of the house.  I love the shame I feel when I do it.

When I get done with my day I come home.  I have 30 minutes to change clothes and I am not very good doing it in time.  This is where I fail the most.  If I get home early, I proceed to put on the outfit I was wearing earlier, like I am still at work.  If I get home a bit later I put on something more casual.  If I spent the day at home I try to stay dressed until 5 pm just like a regular work day.  On the days I am home all day, I love getting out of my heels, but at the same time I am so turned on that I just wore them for 8+ hours.  I am a shoe whore.

At night, dressing casual is the most comfortable I feel, but it's also the least feminine and submissive I feel.  I don't know if it's that I hit a low in the testosterone or not.  I actually think that it's my limited amount of casual clothes.  I have one outfit that is my favorite (black workout pants and a pink pullover top) but I can't wear that every day.  I keep fantasizing about wearing leggings or yoga pants and super feminine tops that are warm and comfy.  Something that makes me feel like a young woman at a slumber party.

At bedtime I get ready for bed.  My perfume has mostly worn off so I can't really smell it.  I put on my nighty just before crawling into bed.  This used to be so difficult for me due to the shame factor, but I am so conditioned now, I pretty much do it without thinking.  I try to mix up what I wear to bed.  I have 3 nighty's that are so comfortable I can forget I am wearing them until I feel a shoulder strap.  I have one that is tight but still comfortable.  I think it's Mistress favorite.  I have 2 with padded cups that make me very aware.  The last one I wear only when Mistress makes me has padded cups and is very sheer and humiliating.  It's something out of the eighties and when I wake up in it, erotic shame comes over me.  I love/hate it.      

So that is more or less the feelings I go through every day.  I am becoming much more comfortable with Mistress' requirements.  Even though I am becoming more comfortable I am also insecure.  Does Mistress really like seeing me this way?  Does it do something for her?  She assures me that it does, but that doesn't stop the occasional doubting.  Both my comfort and my insecurity makes me fantasize about additional rules, requirements and restrictions.  I sometimes feel I have a little too much latitude in what I wear, especially underneath my outfits.    

In closing, I love the restriction and helplessness I feel in my heels.  I shudder when I go to the bathroom.  I raise my skirt, and lower my panites and sit on the seat.  My knees are 4-6 inches higher than normal and I feel like such a slut.  My perfume is a constant reminder of my femininity.  Thinking I am Mistress girlfriend or slutty slave gets me so hot.  Even though I have some insecurities, I love feeling controlled the way I do nearly 24/7.       

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Staying Submissive

It's been a couple weeks since my last post.  Last week Mistress and I went on vacation.  We had a great time but as the week wore on, and since our return, I have had a hard time staying in a submissive frame of mind.  My plans to wear panties every day changed as the heat and humidity made it less than desirable.  I spent most of the week in my male underwear.  I started out the week waking up in the morning and then going into the sitting room of our hotel in my nighty until Mistress got up.  Later in the week I was sick for a couple days.  I managed to wear my nighty until I got sick when Mistress gave me a reprieve for one night so I could focus on getting better.  The next night I purposely didn't wear a nighty as I was having a hard time staying in a submissive frame of mind.  The following morning Mistress called me on it.  As we were on vacation she didn't feel she could punish me at the time.  I feel fortunate that I didn't get punished at the time but I imagine there will be some payback coming soon enough.  I deserve it for sure.  My last couple nights I wore the nighty again as I didn't want to risk additional punishment.

On vacation we managed to have sex at least a few times.  Enough times that I forget how many times we did have sex.  I do remember being allowed to orgasm on the 31st.  What a way to end the year.  I also remember not being allowed to orgasm on the 1st, which I thought was a perfect start to the new year.  I was allowed a couple more orgams over the week which may be why I lost my submissive edge.  Too many orgasms.

This week we are back to our normal routines at home and work.  After over a week of not having to dress in women's clothes, I have had a hard time getting back into it.  I have slowly been ramping back up to where I was before we left.  Monday I was in capri jeans and a casual shirt with no shoes.  Tuesday a jean skirt, sweater and boots.  Yesterday, yoga pants and a pink pullover.  Finally, this morning I was ramped up and horny enough to dress much more feminine.  I am in a animal print blouse, black bra, black pencil skirt and my highest heels that I can walk in.  It's amazing how the more obviously feminine I dress, the more submissive I feel.  I am in quite the mood this morning.



This week is also the first time I have had to wear my new perfume to work.  Since Mistress bought it for me I have worn it every day.  It definitely has had an effect on me and I have grown to desire the scent.  It triggers my brain way more than I expected.  Wearing perfume at work is a new dynamic.  I am very, very aware of it.  It seems stronger than normal even though I am wearing the same amount.  It is definitely a mind fuck.  In my mind everyone knows I am wearing it and it's very feminine.  In reality, it's probably not as strong as I think it is and it's more unisex than I think it is.

In closing, it's good to be back.  Being in this state of mind is certainly my happy place.  While I can go quite a while as a much more dominant male, I am not as happy as I am as when I am submitting to my Mistress and her desire to see me feminized.  I love being under her control!