Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Tuesday Feb 28th

Here are some reflections on the last week.

Not being able to say no.  There is something very freeing about not having choices.  It removes any internal conflict about whether I want to do something or not.  Also adding the mindset that if in doubt do the thing that leans toward the submissive option takes away the ability to manipulate an unclear decision.  It does feel a little topping from the bottom, but I guess that's better than not bottoming at all and acting like a top.

Chastity.  I hate it, but when it's active denial like it is right now, it's pretty hot.  Also knowing I don't have a choice, and I have agreed not to pout makes it easier to succumb to it.  Although I truly believe I can be chaste without a device, chastity certainly takes away any temptation especially with how worked up I am with my new masturbation schedule.  My new chastity underwear also make it much more comfy than panties with no room for a cock let alone a large device.  Thank you for getting me them.

Punishment.  We have been through a few things in the last month or so that have created tension and uncertainty.  I think we have done a good job of talking things through and working things out, but sometimes it feels unfinished.  There is a certain catharsis that happens when I have to endure something (it doesn't have to be pain per se, but anything that punishes me), especially when it's due to me messing something up or not taking your feelings into consideration.  I feel like it hits the reset button and restores a hierarchy in our relationship.  If you don't feel the same way, I get that too and don't want you to take that as me being pushy.

Masturbation schedule.  I kind of thought it was a little silly, but I see the wisdom in it.  It's very effective at keeping me in a mood and not feeling neglected especially with me in chastity.  All of the benefits of teasing and denial without it taking any effort on your part.  Genius.  So far only one spill (no orgasm) so I am learning to not go too far.  

Overall.  We are one week into this and so far I can see it working long term.  It's a bumpy start, but as we get used to it, I think it will become easier.  I hope you are seeing the benefits as well.  


  

Friday Feb 24th

This morning marked the first day of my masturbation schedule.  I have to admit, I was so worked up over the last several days that I was ready to cum after about 2 minutes.  At the 14 minute mark I got close to the edge, and stopped.  About 10 seconds after I stopped a large amount of cum boiled out of the top of my cock.  I didn't have an orgasm, but I sure did cum a lot.  Once the oozing stopped I continued to stroke for 6 additional minutes, and then locked myself back up.  In my mind, I think I can stop myself sooner than when Mistress is doing it.  When Mistress edges me, I have her stop a stroke or two sooner than I would myself as I think she won't stop in time.  Next time I do this I won't bring myself to the edge.  Instead of trying for edges that are 8-9 on a scale of 1-10, I will try for 6,7 and the occasional 8.  I think that will more than keep me more than  aroused, but without the risk of releasing any cum.

Today was also the first day of preparing my Mistress' food.  I like serving her in ways she asks me to.

Today MBB asked me to do her a favor. She asked me to vacuum.  While it was a request from my girlfriend and not an order from my Mistress, it's still hot to be of service to her.  

Thursday Feb 29th

This morning was a snow day.  MBB let me out of chastity, and I wasn't required allowed to masturbate.  The rest of the day was uneventful other than my being horny all day.  MBB was very kind and allowed me to not be in chastity overnight if I agreed to go in after my morning masturbation schedule.  Since I agreed to not say no regardless, this was easy to agree to.  I still have to wear a nighty every night so that still keeps me in a frame of mind.

Wednesday Feb 22nd

MBB has agreed to my offer of me promising to not say no to her for 30 days.  She has revised what she expects of me, but not much.  The only real changes are I do not have to wear women's clothes every day, I am to be on a masturbation schedule, and I have to prepare her food for her work day.

That night I found myself tied to the bed and teased relentlessly by her hands and pussy.  A week of not cumming as well as me mentally preparing myself to be owned, got me going quickly (as well as my mouth running).  After MBB was done using me she untied me and I went right back into chastity.  I didn't sleep well, but that's to be expected after not being conditioned to it like I used to be.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

A Proposal

This morning I was thinking of what I was going to write about when you asked me to go ahead and list what has been going through my mind.  While I thought of lots of things you could do to me, it was missing something. Add that to what we have been recently going through, it dawned on me, and thus this proposal.

Obviously when we first me you knew little about D/s let alone that you thought you were submissive.  For the last year and a half, you have learned a lot, you have seen what you like and what you don't like.  You have also seen me on my best behavior and my worst.  We also both realize that 24/7 is a better dynamic for us than anything else.  On Monday when you talked about moving out, and I thought about what that would look like I came to a realization.  You most likely would look for a partner that would be submissive to you.  I certainly would be looking for one that would be dominant to me.  It's also likely that if I did find a new dominant partner, that I wouldn't be able to pick and choose the things I wanted in this type of a relationship.  If I tried to manipulate things to fit what I wanted, I would either be punished severely or I would be kicked to the curb.  If you found a submissive partner and he (or she) tried to twist the relationship to their needs instead of yours, you wouldn't tolerate it for long. I'm starting to realize that when I try to make our relationship fit into what I think is right for me, I keep losing the one thing that is what I yearn for deep down.  That is not being in control.  By acting the way I do, I get things I want short term, but at the expense of long term happiness.  I'm realizing I am responsible for my own unhappiness.  By trying to get you to do what I want instead of what you want, I am sabotaging us.

So here is what I am proposing...  A trial of a minimum of 30 days and a maximum of 60 days (you choose), I will promise to not say no, or to act in a manner that would indicate that I wish I could say no to you.  I would like for you to think if we had just met and we didn't have my baggage, what would you require of me.  If that is hard, think if we didn't work out and you found a new submissive partner and you could train them the way you wanted, how would that look?  If you actually did move into the other room, and I begged you to come back, what would you require of me?  In your minds eye, what is YOUR ideal lifestyle for MBB and me?  Think about what you would like and I will do it without attitude.  Some things to consider...
Would your new slave wake up with you or even wake you?  Would he be required to help you in the mornings?  Would he have chores to do?  Would you have any protocols?  Opening all doors?  Chastity?  Other Fetish Items?  Bruises or other markings?  Preparing myself for you?  Sexual servitude? Feminization?  Foot massages? Kneeling?  Sleeping on the floor?  Journal? Maintenance punishment? Calling out to me for trivial things? How much or how little D/s do YOU want?  Imagine how you would have it and I will do it.

What this will do for me is to take my wants and needs out of the equation.  It will allow me to see what happens if I truly give myself up to another.  While I suspect there will be things I won't like, I would like to think it will make me stronger as a person, a partner and a submissive.  It will allow me to see that by doing things I don't think I want may actually be want I am needing.  In the past when I have had to do things I didn't want to do, they have been a good experience long term even though I hated it short term.  It's usually a source of arousal for me when I reflect back on it.

What I hope this will do for you, will be to get you back to where you are comfortable bossing me around.  Where you are aroused by the thought of me doing your bidding.  Where you are sexually and emotionally satisfied.  Where you can say to yourself that you own me and that I am your bitch.

If this doesn't interest you or you have concerns, please let me know.  I thought this was a better approach then me writing a list of what I want.  I love you very much and long for what we used to have in the D/s world.

 

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Weekly Post.

It's weird posting right now with the recent drama we've had.  I have had a lot of stuff going through my head the last couple days but don't want to post them as I think they would come across as pushy.

Last night when you commented that the most sexually satisfied you have been with me is when we were as 24/7 as we could be.  I would have to agree with that sentiment as well and think the closer we can get to that dynamic the happier we will both be.  I'm ready and willing when you are.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Clarification on disobedience

Lately I have not been following some of the rules set forth by MBB.  The main one is the lack of dressing feminine while at home.  The reason for this is not that I don't want to do it, but without acknowledgement, and support of doing this I get very insecure.  I have internal battles about dressing and when I don't get the proverbial "pat on the head" I get self concious and feel stupid about doing it.  That's not to say I don't like being forced to dress.  I actually find the forced part of it to be pretty hot.  When I dress myself and do it without reminders or much comment, it feels like I am Domming myself and it doesn't feel forced or submissive.  It makes feels like I am a cross dresser or transvestite for myself and not a slave being forced to dress to please my Mistress.  It may not make a big difference to the outside, but in my brain the difference is huge.  I am writing this to express where my mind is and not to complain.  I really have nothing to complain about, but need to communicate what my male brain needs to consistently dress as my Mistress requires. 

I love you and love having you push my buttons.  I just need some afirmation as your slave. 

Monday, February 6, 2012

Weekly Post - Thoughts on submission, 24/7, and orgasm denial

Since we recently had been talking about orgasm denial and how it pertains to day to day relationship/sexuality I have been giving it a lot of thought.   I am ok without orgasm, but it's hard to get too excited about it without 1. knowing I will get to cum or 2. having no orgasm due to you flexing your dominance as part of our D/s relationship.  I obviously love to cum, which can either be vanilla or D/s, but I only love to be denied in a D/s context.  I am starting to think that was a problem for me in the past.  It comes across that I don't want sex when I really do, but exercising orgasm control while not engaging in D/s is incompatible to me.  Now that doesn't mean I need to be tied up for orgasm control, but I can't be the initiator of sex that ultimately will deny me (or at least I don't think I can).

That got me to thinking about other things.  For example, not blogging last week.  I think that is more due to us having so much going on that D/s is on the back burner.  If it's on the back burner and you aren't getting anything out of me doing the things you want me to do, I really don't want to do them.  Again, I am not saying I need to be tied up or even bossed around, but I at least to be acknowledged when I do as I am told or when I don't so as I'm told.  I don't wear panties, wear nighties, post my day or blog post for me, I do that for you as I believe it pleases you or at least seeing me do things that I don't want to do pleases you.

I want to be clear that I am not bitching in any way.  I love what we have and know that we both have things going on that make D/s less of a priority.  In fact I too have forgotten some things.  In that spirit, I am confessing my "sins" of the last week.
1.  I didn't blog post last week.
2.  I didn't email my plans on the 31st.
3.  I didn't wear a nighty all weekend although I packed one.
4.  Not being in femme clothes as much due to the need to change clothes so many times. 

Lastly, I have been fantasizing about the following things for the last few days...  Being dressed femme more (including under clothes). Being strapped into a corset for hours.  Being caged for hours.  Having my Sophia pics including face posted in places like fetlife or collar me.  Using the tattoo gel on me.  Cum play.  Wearing the straight jacket for long periods of time.  Vac Bed.  Sensory deprivation.  Forced dildo sucking and deep throating. 

I love you and the above email is just communication.  If you have any questions or concerns please let me know.