It's tough to stay updated

With colds, work, travel, and everything else in life it can be hard to keep a blog or diary updated.  It's especially difficult when D/s thoughts are not at the forefront of the brain.  Today is an exception to that as I woke up in mood.

MBB got up very early today to get things done at work.  That was part of the reason I couldn't sleep, but the main reason was all the naughty stuff going through my mind.  It was like a switch flipped this morning for some reason.  I am thinking that since I started working out again and started eating more/better, my testosterone must be rising.  Apparently not working out and eating very little or crappy causes testosterone to drop quite a bit.  It probably also has something to do with my last orgasm being 13 days ago as listed on the right side of this blog page.

Here is some of the stuff that was running through my mind.

Last week I traveled out of town.  I had been fantasizing that MBB would have tied me down (or up), and gave me a good beating on my ass.  That way my entire trip I would remember it every time I sat down, especially in an airplane seat.  I had also fantasized about her packing my underwear for the trip.  MBB and I had talked in the past about using panties as cum towel that would eventually find it's way in my mouth as a gag. This morning I replayed what that would have looked like in my mind and wished I had the balls to ask for that before I left.

A recurring fantasy has also been about being tied up in uncomfortable, stressful ways.  Ways that would make me wish I wasn't tied up (if that's at all possible).  Being put in the stocks in heels keeps running through my mind, and for some reason this morning I thought about having the ring gag in my mouth at the same time, drooling all over embarrassingly.  I also think about predicament bondage where I get to choose what happens, and both options suck.  When MBB and I first met, I put her in a predicament position with the legs in the air tied to a string above her with clothespins on her nipples.  She had to choose when her legs hurt enough to pull the clamps.  It was hot!

I have also been thinking about a long teasing session where every time I tell MBB I am about to cum she causes some sort of pain to me.  A hit to the balls, removing a nipple clamp, a rubber band snapping my skin.  Something that would bring me back from the edge and frustrate me that I couldn't cum either.

And as always, femme ideas some into my mind whenever I go this long without cumming.  There is something about wearing taboo items that escalates the process.

Back to work...

    

Girl on Girl

I think I found my new favorite site.  There is something so hot about 2 women together, especially in a D/s way.

http://mistressanastasia.tumblr.com/

Fits and Starts and CBT

For the last month my MBB and I have been sick.  We have sex a couple times, but very little D/s.  D/s takes some work and effort, and I don't think either one of us has been up for that (as you can tell by my missing posts).

In the interest of getting started again I was going to write about the idea of doing some breath play, but with my cough, it doesn't sound very fun.  As a back up, I have been thinking about this for some time, but haven't had the guts to post it.

MBB and I have some fun with teasing and orgasm denial.  Part of the deal is, if I cum without permission we don't play or I get punished.  I am also to tell her anytime I am close to cumming.  This allows her to decide what to do with me.  Recently she started ruining my orgasms by stopping them just as they start.  I really do believe they are worse than no orgasm or an orgasm that goes too far.  I have been thinking about MBB tell me to prepare myself on the bed y restraining myself.  As an added touch, I would either put on my neoprene ball stretcher witch put my ball in a tight little package (ripe for abuse) or to tie my balls with a thin rope to the foot board nice and tight so they stay in one place, or a combination of the stretcher and the rope.  MBB would then finish restraining me.  In my mind I would be blindfolded and gagged.  MBB would then tell me that I had to tell her when I was about to cum while she stroked my cock.  She would get me to the edge several times.  One of these times she would stop stroking and start smacking my balls.  I start screaming and struggling.  She would scold me saying I must not have been very close since I didn't cum, and then she explaina to me that the only way I can cum is from my balls being smacked.  She advises me to tell her when I am a little closer but if I cum without her smacking my balls, she will still smack them but not until after I am all sensitive.  I beg her to stop (gagged or not) and she starts stroking me again nice and slow.  The next time I tell her I am close she stops to make sure I didn't already start cumming.  The next time I tell her I am cumming, she strokes until she knows it's a sure thing.  She stops stroking my cock and starts smacking my balls.  The pain is intense, but it pushes me over the edge.  The orgasm is amazing, but so is the pain.  She doesn't stop smacking until the cum stops and I am screaming and almost in tears.  She has done it.  She has given me an orgasm, but made it terrible at the same time.

The above excites me but scares me too.  The excitement is more exciting than the fear though.

Delayed post

Due to recent colds, and life happening, I haven't posted in a little over a week.  Although D/s isn't big in our life right now, it still exists in small ways.  Sunday I was tied to the bed and had a ruined orgasm.  Yesterday I had to update my toenail polish.  Today found me wearing crotch-less fishnet pantyhose with no panties when I did a presentation at one of my customer's offices.  In the next hour or so I will be wearing my butt plug until my Mistress gets home and tells me it's ok to remove my plug. Considering my cold, I am surprised how horny I am. I am certainly in a mood.  It's nice to not have any say in what MBB wants from me.  It's actually kind of freeing.  I am so in love with her.

Dungeon equipment - suspension

MBB have a dungeon in our basement.  It's small, but has lots of items.  A winch suspended from the ceiling is one of these items.  Here are some things that can be done with a winch.

Weekly Post

I am very glad MBB and I discussed getting our Female Led Relationship back on track.  We have been ramping back up nicely.  It seems to me that MBB is getting more comfortable bossing me around.  As her confidence increases, she will be demanding more and more of me as her submissive.  We have had sex 3 times in the last week, and only one of those times have I had an orgasm.  I can easily see us having sex 4-6 times a week with no release for me.  I like the idea of being her tool for pleasure.  There is nothing hotter than being told to take off my pants and to fuck her as long as she wants.  It reminds me of our first 6 months of dating where she would tell me "when we get home, go upstairs, get naked, and get the ropes out."  While ropes would be nice, I have committed to pleasing Mistress on her terms.  It turns me on immensely to see what her idea of a D/s relationship is without her being too influenced by what I want.  The more I think about doing it her way and how it might be much different than a fantasy I have built up in my head, the more real it seems.  Submitting to her on my terms is play.  Submitting to her on her terms will be a great way to get deep into my soul.

This week also brings something new.  Every day, I am to have my butt plug in before Mistress gets home from work.  Normally she will have me plug myself during the day, which is fine, but to be plugged in her presence will definitely be more interesting.  My head is spinning just a tad at the thought of preparing myself for her in this way.  My mind quickly starts thinking about the future and other things she may have me do before she gets home from work.  It's very easy to deny wearing women's clothes, wearing butt plugs or any other task she has me do when I am by myself.  It's a whole other level for me to do these things in front of her and impossible to deny.  I think it's more mentally effective for me to do these things in her presence.

Also, I am back to my morning schedule of 10 minutes of edging before getting out of bed.  It's an effective way of getting my head back in the game after my orgasm a couple days ago.  I was also instructed to move the webcam in my office so it shows me and my monitors.  There is a certain mind fuck about knowing I can be watched at any time without my knowledge.  Lastly, I have been told that today is a no porn day.  MBB thought it would be tough for me to edge without porn, it's not.  All I have to do is replay some of our scenes in my head, or imagine things MBB may have me do in the future.  My brain is pretty good about making it's own porn.

I am a very lucky man indeed.

Blogs that I look forward to reading...

Here are a few blogs that I can identify with.  They are inspirational of how a Female Led Relationship could work. The thing I like most is they seem to be based on relationships or concepts that work in real relationships, not some fantasy world that is too hard to maintain.

#1 A Lazy Domme's Guide -  I chose "Lazy Domme" not because I don't enjoy topping, but because I have to fit my play into a busy life.

http://lazydomme.blogspot.com/

Posts of Interest (that I haven't already shared)
http://lazydomme.blogspot.com/2011/07/classical-conditioning.html
http://lazydomme.blogspot.com/2011/04/punishments-done-right.html
http://lazydomme.blogspot.com/2011/06/erotic-blackmail.html
http://lazydomme.blogspot.com/2011/07/humiliation-in-private.html

#2 Becoming a Mistress - A Blog for the Average Woman by Mistress Ivey

http://mistressivey.blogspot.com/

Posts of interest
http://mistressivey.blogspot.com/2011/12/what-about-your-fantasies.html
http://mistressivey.blogspot.com/2011/09/it-about-you.html
http://mistressivey.blogspot.com/2011/10/pushing-envelope.html
http://mistressivey.blogspot.com/2012/09/teasing-with-tenga.html

#3 Strict Julie Spanks - One day my husband came to me and asked to be spanked. I tried it, and liked it! Now he may be getting more than he bargained for! 

Posts of Interest

http://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com/2012/04/strict-ball-gagging.html

http://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com/2012/07/i-spanked-trina.html

http://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com/2012/07/good-little-cock-sucker.html

http://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com/2012/07/husband-taught-his-place-in-front-of.html

#4 Miss Marie – Her Blog has been removed.

I really liked her and her subs dynamic.  Too bad she gone…

Some Eye Candy For Mistress

More than a few times MBB has told me she would love to see me with a man.  She likes gay porn and even TS porn.  I can see the appeal of it for her, but try and try as I might, I can't reconcile actually doing it in my brain.  I am not gay or bi, so it doesn't do anything for me.  I can see the fantasy part of it, (especially how brutal some of the gay BDSM porn I have seen can be) but if I was actually in that situation I would freak out badly  That being said, I am all for strapons, and anything a guy can do to another guy, I would be ok with MBB doing it to me with a strap on.  It's also pretty hot when she teases me about making me be with a man.

The pics below are situations I think MBB would love to see me in...

Fitting - found online

He felt so conflicted; at once excited by the novelty of her ‘little game’, and at the same time apprehensive as to how far it might go.

The week of self denial had been easier than he expected. It had been harder when she had teased him earlier in the week, but mercifully she had refrained for the last couple of days. This evening however, as she stroked and teased, he realized how easily she had used his frustration. How smoothly he had been maneuvered into apparently playful bondage. As her touch made him involuntarily strain against the wrist straps he was startled at how securely he was held, how helpless she made him feel.

Most embarrassing were the questions, and his involuntary responses. She was peeling away the secret layers of his soul, and each new revelation was being used against him. It was no use denying his desire to be humiliated. She had almost made him explode when she started to tease him about dressing him up and letting her friends come over and have him serve them drinks and snacks. And now, even as she quickened her pace again, she was suggesting that he didn't deserve to cum this week, and as his excitement grew he found himself agreeing.  How far will she go?

today's thought process

Last week, Mistress told me this weeks scene would not be pleasurable for me.  It would entail pain and most likely some bruising on my part.  Last night she indicated to me that my full balls were on her list of targets as well.  That has had me nervously thinking about what will happen.  These pictures came to mind.

Mistress isn't feeling well

Too bad Sophia doesn't have a nurse outfit or 2 to wear and take care of MBB...

Weekly Post

This last week was a good start.  MBB had me prepare our dungeon on Thursday night for some naughtiness.  I found myself tied to the cross with a vibrating inflatable butt plug in my ass while she stroked my cock and teased the fuck out of me. Between the buzzing in my ass and her expert hands that I have missed so much it wasn't long before I was ready to cum.  After extracting dirty confessions out of me, she stroked me to an orgasm...  But she stopped short.  Too Short.  I came, lots, but with no real orgasm.  With the plug still buzzing in my ass, she probably could have ruined a 2nd orgasm in short order.

I would have thought our scene would have taken the edge off.  Instead all it did was make we want MBB to be more of a Bossy Bitch.  I am getting a little sub spacey just thinking about it.  I am really looking forward to her doing things SHE wants to have me do or to do to me.  I want her pleasure to come first no matter that it means for me.  If it's vanilla sex, with or without an orgasm for me, that's what I want.  If she wants me to pleasure her with toys, and I get nothing, that's what I want.  If it makes her wet to beat me to tears and leave me locked in the dark, that's what I want.  I really am wanting to do what she wants.  I believe I can find happiness doing things she wants to do and things I don't think I want to do.  Just the idea is making me hard.  I am in love with my Mistress!      

Starting a daily post

I have recently decided to post every week on Monday.  This post is meant to reflect on my relationship with my Mistress as well as significant thoughts, wishes, desires or concerns.  To keep things interesting I am going to do my best to also post something every day.  This will be things I have found online that I feel are interesting or have significance.  It's also to reflect my mood on a daily basis vs. MBB having to try and see where my mind might be.  Here is today's item.

Found here http://lazydomme.blogspot.com/2012/09/ruined-orgasms.html  the text is copied and pasted  below.


Ruined Orgasms

Ruined orgasms are another one of those ironic and self contradicting kinks. People with this fetish enjoy not-enjoying their orgasm. Usually what it is they are enjoying is your control and dominance over their "ultimate" form of pleasure. This can also be one of those fantasies that people only want to experience once, and then have the threat of future ruined orgasms give you leverage during play or punishment. The fact that you can and are willing to do something so cruel is often a powerful turn on and motivator for your sub. There are however, some who like the idea so much that they actually have stronger orgasms when they think you're "ruining" their orgasm. I'll go over both; how to more completely ruin an orgasm, and how to make ruined orgasms more enjoyable.

The most completely ruined orgasm is one where, as soon the sub reaches the point of no return, he receives no further stimulation. You completely withdraw your hands from him, and leave him with nothing but air. But this can be trickier than it sounds. Having your sub tell you when he's just hit the point of no return not only feels like cheating, but it gives your sub the power to control how ruined his orgasm is by letting you go a little longer before he tells you he's there. The best approach is just to have your sub tell you when he's getting close to going over the edge. Test him by stopping right when he says he's close. If comes at this point then it's possible he was trying to get a less ruined orgasm from you. Punish as you see fit. Then try going just a few more strokes after he announces he's getting close. It might take a couple tries to figure out roughly how much more stimulation he can take when he's close. I suggest going only a stroke or two longer each time as to get the most fully ruined orgasm. I also suggest randomly stopping immediately after he says he's getting close just to keep him honest. This is a variance on the orgasm control game I wrote about last month. To judge how ruined an orgasm was, the best approach is to compare how much the sub came compared to normal. If there's a lot of cum, then he's either secretly enjoying it, or you've gone on too long after he's reached the point of no return. Subs with a strong fetish for ruined orgasms often enjoy them more than they would a simple vanilla orgasm.

If you look around for methods of ruining orgasm you'll find a lot of techniques other than the simple hands off approach I described above. When first learning about ruined orgasms I was put off by the multitude of options. In the name of science I set out to try as many different approaches as I could find, but almost immediately I realized that these variants don't ruin an orgasm more, they just make it more "fun" for you or your sub. In the same way some people like being "punished" with things they enjoy, some people like having their orgasms "ruined" in a way they enjoy. These people want to think they're giving up great pleasure to please you, but they secretly want enjoyment from it as well. Realizing this makes ruining orgasms much less complicated, if you're out to be crule or completely dominating, this is the ideal approach. If you're out for fun for you or your sub, try out some alternative approaches. While I still suggest you start by getting your sub to that point of no return, if you're just doing it for fun you can always just wait till you see him start to come before you do anything. There's also an off chance one of these variants will ruin an orgasm more than the hands off approach, but in general they make the experience more enjoyable. The best way to find out is to experiment.

The most common variant to a ruined orgasm is to restrict the flow of cum. The most common way to do this is when your toy hits that point of no return, you squeeze his cock either at the very base, or just under the head. While unnecessary, if done tightly enough, little to no cum will come out. Another approach, sometimes called thumbing the orgasm, is to put your thumb over the top of his cock head as you would to control the flow of water from a garden hose. This can also be done with a finger or even tape. Less cum is often associated with less enjoyable orgasms, so this gives the appearance of a completely ruined orgasm. The discomfort from the semen backing up has the potential to make the orgasm less fun for your sub. If you are worried about this you can let more of the cum escape. But usually the fact you are touching him more than offsets any discomfort.

Physical pain can be added to a ruined orgasm. If you are rough enough it could take some of the pleasure out of the orgasm, but once a sub has hit that point of no return, his pain threshold goes way up. For most subs this will cause a much better orgasm than the hands off approach, and for those who like pain or CBT, they may even have amazing orgasms. The most common method for mixing in pain is flicking the head of the cock or slapping the cock itself. Balls are an option too; slap them hard and/or squeeze them tightly as he comes. Another "painful" method is palming. This is often done with post orgasm torture, but with subs who are sensitive enough, this can be painful before orgasm as well. Palming is just using your palm on the head of a well lubricated cock. For most, this will simply make it more pleasurable. I suggest you try palming your sub before it gets to this point to see how he reacts in a normal situation. Pain will largely benefit the sub.

There are a couple off the wall approaches that don't fit into the above categories  One is to have ice ready and ice his cock and balls once he hits that point of no return. I'm guessing the idea is numbness but it doesn't seem likely to have enough time to do that. If anything it's just distracting. I've actually heard someone suggest choking or covering the sub's mouth and nose. I'd guess the idea here is to try and scare them into a more fully ruined orgasm. To me it sounds like someone's excuse to indulge in a choking or breath control fetish. If someone is scared by this, I'm not sure it's even an ethical approach. And then there's a bunch which are designed to distract the sub. These include, at the point of orgasm, playing a loud sudden noise, shining a bright light in their eyes, pouring lemon juice in their mouth, or even going as far as holding up pictures of gay porn or their family members. These techniques are usually done by the top out of curiosity or for their own fun or amusement. The tops I see talking about these sort of distractions are usually treating it like a science project. This sort of distraction might actually serve to more completely ruin an orgasm.

Which brings me to the mental aspects of a ruined orgasm. If a sub has a ruined orgasm fetish, then the ruined orgasm will be better if the sub is told about it ahead of time and visa versa. The anticipation will make play beforehand more or less enjoyable depending on the sub's interests. Tying up a sub so he can't "finish" a ruined orgasm also adds to the orgasm, especially if you make it clear it's so he can't do anything about his upcoming ruined orgasm. This works even if the sub is well behaved and wouldn't do such a thing anyway because it makes the already dominant act feel out of their control and more absolute. Another trick is to get the sub to try and hold back the orgasm himself. This gives a more completely ruined orgasm and can take the fun out of ruined orgasms even for those who have a strong fetish for it. If your goal is a more completely ruined orgasm, you can tell your sub not to come or otherwise try and motivate him to try and hold back. This just feels mean to me, and since only well behaved subs will actually try to hold back when instructed, it rewards misbehavior. And that's something you should try to avoid. But if you're using it as a punishment or just really want to take any possible fun out of it, this will sometimes do that for you. Finally, ruined orgasms can potentially leave your pet feeling unsatisfied or horny. Sometimes the sub will be unable to do anything about it, while other times the sub will be able to have another orgasm right away. Several ruined orgasms in a row can be quite fun and frustrating at the same time. It depends on the sub and the orgasm, but is something to keep in mind and watch for.

Any top who has "lost" or otherwise had a ruined orgasm is probably confused by this fetish. To better understand a sub who is interested in ruined orgasms, see if it's the controlling aspect of a ruined orgasm your sub likes, or if he likes the idea of being disappointed and wants you to use the threat as leverage or punishment. And it can be both. If your sub isn't interested in ruined orgasms but you are, then using it as a threat or punishment is probably the best option. While different approaches fit different subs better, it's important to pick something that sounds fun or interesting to you. There's no need to go through extra work you don't enjoy or pass up something you might. There's also no reason to limit yourself to one particular technique, feel free to mix and match. Don't let it be a chore for you.

More Communication

It's been over 3 months since I have posted here.  I am going to start posting weekly what has been going through my mind the previous week.  This to make sure I am getting thoughts out of my mind as well as to ensure my Mistress knows my state of mind.  This is not intended to be me asking for things or to be a pushy bottom.

Over the last week and a half, I had edged several times.  The two things that ran through my mind the most while stroking was forced cum eating and forced feminization.  While in California, I was forced to cum even though I didn't want to.  It's really weird how years ago I used to masturbate and orgasm every chance I had, and now I don't do either unless instructed.  Even when instructed to masturbate, I don't want to cum by my own hand. I think I am addicted to being teased mercilessly.  Before my trip I had fantasies of Mistress packing my underwear for me.  Instead I chickened out and wore men's underwear. I had also fantasized about Mistress making me cum into a pair of panties while I was traveling and that I had to bring them home all crusted with cum.  Mistress would tell me she was saving them for later to gag me with.

Also over the last week, I have been fantasizing about wearing panties 100% of the time.  Mistress would make me show her my panties a couple times each day to reinforce the mindset.  Some days she would pick out the pair, or change it up by making me wear pantyhose or stockings or shaper underwear under my clothes.  If Mistress ever caught me in male underwear (including those to work out in) without permission, a very unpleasant punishment would be in order.  

I have also been fantasizing about pink toenails again.  But instead of removing toenail polish when we go to the mountains, I would have to swap out bright pink for flesh tone nail polish.  No one would ever notice, but it certainly would be a mind fuck for me.  I also think of being made to wear clear nail polish on my hands for the entire winter with no exceptions.  It would be the same mind fuck for me worrying someone would notice, but I could always say my nails are having issues.  Part of my nail fantasy lately is being forced to wear fake nails that are already painted.  Since for the time being I am rarely leaving the house, I imagine having to put on fake nails and keep them on for 2-3 days in a row.  Colored fingernails are somewhat easy to get used to, but long ones would change everything I do with my hands.

I have also been fantasizing about wearing nighties again.  Not every night as it seems to lose its effect, but whenever instructed to do so.  As I wrote that last line, I realize it's not my place to say when I would wear nighties.  If Mistress wants it to be every night, so be it.  It is my job however to tell her if something is losing its effect.  While I do like having no option when it comes to wearing things, I feel less insecure when Mistress is involved in the decision.

As much as I hate chastity, I have been thinking about being in chastity.  Again, it's not for me, it's because I think my Mistress likes me in chastity.  If she doesn't care one way or another, I am really OK not being in chastity.

I have also been fantasizing about being dressed femme more often.  While it's a turn on to be dressed at home during the day, I really like the mild humiliation that comes with being dressed in front of my Mistress.  There is something about it that makes me weak in the knees and knocks me down a peg.

Lastly, I have been fantasizing about being told to "be ready" when Mistress comes home from work.  Whether that means I am dressed up, tied myself to the bed in advance, prepared to give Mistress a massage, locking myself in the cage, or just being naked in bed ready to pleasure my Mistress.  Being told to "be ready when I get home" seems to just get my mind racing.

Now all of the above is my fantasy.  While I think it's important to communicate, this is actually secondary to me.  Primary to me is "what does Mistress want?”  I want to do things that make my Mistress want to dominate me.  I don't want my Mistress to dominate me because I want her to.  It's so much more fulfilling to me for her to be pleased, turned on, and excited at the thought of dominating me instead of me being dominated just because I want her to.  So even if all the above happened to me, it wouldn't be the same if my Mistress was doing it just to please me.  I would rather only do a small fraction of the above so long as Mistress was doing it in a way that turned her on.

So it's with this post that I tell Mistress I want to be or do whatever pleases you.  

Realization - I can't manipulate like I used to

Posted on Fetlife

I have spent a majority of my adult life trying to get women to dominate me sexually.  I have had mild temporary successes, but after some time things go awry.  If I wasn’t getting dominated, I would retreat, and when I retreated, my partners would try to use D/s as a tool to get me back into the relationship.  It would work, but because the dynamic was manipulated, it was temporary.  Eventually it became a downward spiral to where nothing worked.  On the way down there would be attempts to bring D/s back into the relationship, but it was always temporary and eventually failed

My current partner won’t put up with my withdrawal.  If I withdraw, she calls me out on it.  She doesn’t allow me to manipulate D/s out of her.  She then puts verbal pressure on me to be a partner in the relationship and tells me the only way I will get what she wants is to give her what she wants.  I am stubborn by nature, however my need for kink always draws me back in.  By her not allowing me to withdraw and let our relationship spiral out of control, she waits for me to come back and express my needs.  When I do she tells me I can have whatever I want, I just need to do the few little things that make her happy.  She’s right.  It’s easier to do what she wants and in turn I get my needs met.  I wish my brain could connect those 2 when I am not feeling submissive and not let me screw things up.  I’m very fortunate to have found someone that can push through my BS.

Reawakening

For my birthday, MBB tied me up and used me well.  It felt insanely good to be restrained and vulnerable.  For too long now I haven't been made to feel helpless and vulnerable.  I think not being vulnerable more often allows me to revert back to being a "macho" asshole.  Now MBB didn't really hurt me at all on my birthday, but she certainly could have if she wanted to.  Knowing that in the back of my mind caused me to realize how far I have strayed away from D/s over the last few months and how important it is to me.

Now I have a hard time being "submissive" a lot of the time.  I'm not a submissive person by nature or do I have any desire to "serve", but I am such a sexual submissive that my kinks can certainly be directed in such a manner as to make me submissive in ways that I am not naturally.  Being tied up, hurt, made to dress up, humiliated, mind fucked, ass fucked, all those things seem to do something to realign my well being.  From just what we did on Wednesday night, has me engaged again.  It makes me want to be close, to please, to make life easier for my Mistress.  It also has my mind running wild with naughty thoughts and possibilities.

I have had such a long time in my life where I have not had a partner that could get into dominating me.  I keep forgetting that I have a partner now that does enjoy dominating me and who could really get into making me her "bitch".  I find myself reverting to old ways and there is no reason for me to do so.  I need to remember if I do things to please my Mistress, she will make sure to reward me by ruling over me and doing unspeakable things to me.

I guess this post it to let her know how giddy I feel inside about having my partner, lover, best friend and Mistress back.  It's also to let her know I have punishments to pay and am open to whatever they may be.

What I have learned...

Over the last few months, but particularly in the last month, I have figured out a lot about myself.  1st thing is I am not a submissive. That doesn't mean I'm not submissive whatsoever.  It means I go through submissive periods.  These periods can be long, intense and extreme.  They can also be short and lighthearted.  The more intense periods I almost liken it to going on a bender.  I am all about it, I will do anything to get my fix and can go for days or weeks.  Other times, it's just fun for the time.  All of this makes it hard on me and certainly hard on my current partner and partners in the past.  This lifestyle almost requires labels.  While I have labeled myself a submissive for the most part, I would now label myself as a submissive/bottom/switch/do me submissive, depending on my mood or life circumstances.  So what does this all mean?

Obviously D/s is a big part of who I am.  I feel D/s should be about 99% of my sex life, but that isn't necessarily practical.  In my mind if I was a dominant or switching but in a dominant role, I would be more inclined to initiate sex, but it would be D/s as well.  Since D/s is important to me, but 24/7 is impossible I am trying to figure a way to make it all work.  Some ideas that have come to mind is that I wear my collar when I am open to being ordered around and following rules.  However I imagine that if I were to put in the collar that it would be of the mindset that I would agree to wear it for a certain amount of time and do whatever I was told to do without limits.  Maybe a few days or a week or a month.  Maybe you would say, don't put on your collar until you are ready to commit to a month or I would like to own you for an entire weekend, will you put on your collar?  I am just throwing out ideas here and am open to any suggestions.  Of course, any time you want to tie me up, I am game.  There doesn't have to be a collar, or protocol or anything elaborate, we could do it just for fun.  I would also agree to rules such as telling you when I am approaching orgasm, whenever you did have me tied up.  I guess what all of this is about is tying to find a win/win without all the BS my flakiness introduces.  Lastly, some of the things I have been thinking about this week.

Sophia as well as being femme when working from home.
Subtle femme stuff in public
temp tattoo
dungeon time
cum play
being outed in some way

I love you and appreciate you always trying to make this work.

Weekly Post

This post is late.  There is not a lot to post and I have been busier than normal, but that is no excuse.  Last week found me tied up a couple times and it was awesome.  There was also a teasing session without any bondage in which I was very drunk.  Between horniness and drunkenness I was letting my mouth run about how much I had been fantasizing about being forced to eat my own cum, and some additional  fantasies about some feminization.

Today I find myself in chastity due to not doing what I agreed to do.  This blog post is one item.  I had to go back through the list and noticed that toe nail polish was on the list.  In my mind that was a verbal request from last week, and not written.  I don;t know how I missed that.

Other than that there is not a lot more for me to report at this time.

Tuesday Feb 28th

Here are some reflections on the last week.

Not being able to say no.  There is something very freeing about not having choices.  It removes any internal conflict about whether I want to do something or not.  Also adding the mindset that if in doubt do the thing that leans toward the submissive option takes away the ability to manipulate an unclear decision.  It does feel a little topping from the bottom, but I guess that's better than not bottoming at all and acting like a top.

Chastity.  I hate it, but when it's active denial like it is right now, it's pretty hot.  Also knowing I don't have a choice, and I have agreed not to pout makes it easier to succumb to it.  Although I truly believe I can be chaste without a device, chastity certainly takes away any temptation especially with how worked up I am with my new masturbation schedule.  My new chastity underwear also make it much more comfy than panties with no room for a cock let alone a large device.  Thank you for getting me them.

Punishment.  We have been through a few things in the last month or so that have created tension and uncertainty.  I think we have done a good job of talking things through and working things out, but sometimes it feels unfinished.  There is a certain catharsis that happens when I have to endure something (it doesn't have to be pain per se, but anything that punishes me), especially when it's due to me messing something up or not taking your feelings into consideration.  I feel like it hits the reset button and restores a hierarchy in our relationship.  If you don't feel the same way, I get that too and don't want you to take that as me being pushy.

Masturbation schedule.  I kind of thought it was a little silly, but I see the wisdom in it.  It's very effective at keeping me in a mood and not feeling neglected especially with me in chastity.  All of the benefits of teasing and denial without it taking any effort on your part.  Genius.  So far only one spill (no orgasm) so I am learning to not go too far.  

Overall.  We are one week into this and so far I can see it working long term.  It's a bumpy start, but as we get used to it, I think it will become easier.  I hope you are seeing the benefits as well.  


  

Friday Feb 24th

This morning marked the first day of my masturbation schedule.  I have to admit, I was so worked up over the last several days that I was ready to cum after about 2 minutes.  At the 14 minute mark I got close to the edge, and stopped.  About 10 seconds after I stopped a large amount of cum boiled out of the top of my cock.  I didn't have an orgasm, but I sure did cum a lot.  Once the oozing stopped I continued to stroke for 6 additional minutes, and then locked myself back up.  In my mind, I think I can stop myself sooner than when Mistress is doing it.  When Mistress edges me, I have her stop a stroke or two sooner than I would myself as I think she won't stop in time.  Next time I do this I won't bring myself to the edge.  Instead of trying for edges that are 8-9 on a scale of 1-10, I will try for 6,7 and the occasional 8.  I think that will more than keep me more than  aroused, but without the risk of releasing any cum.

Today was also the first day of preparing my Mistress' food.  I like serving her in ways she asks me to.

Today MBB asked me to do her a favor. She asked me to vacuum.  While it was a request from my girlfriend and not an order from my Mistress, it's still hot to be of service to her.  

Thursday Feb 29th

This morning was a snow day.  MBB let me out of chastity, and I wasn't required allowed to masturbate.  The rest of the day was uneventful other than my being horny all day.  MBB was very kind and allowed me to not be in chastity overnight if I agreed to go in after my morning masturbation schedule.  Since I agreed to not say no regardless, this was easy to agree to.  I still have to wear a nighty every night so that still keeps me in a frame of mind.

Wednesday Feb 22nd

MBB has agreed to my offer of me promising to not say no to her for 30 days.  She has revised what she expects of me, but not much.  The only real changes are I do not have to wear women's clothes every day, I am to be on a masturbation schedule, and I have to prepare her food for her work day.

That night I found myself tied to the bed and teased relentlessly by her hands and pussy.  A week of not cumming as well as me mentally preparing myself to be owned, got me going quickly (as well as my mouth running).  After MBB was done using me she untied me and I went right back into chastity.  I didn't sleep well, but that's to be expected after not being conditioned to it like I used to be.

A Proposal

This morning I was thinking of what I was going to write about when you asked me to go ahead and list what has been going through my mind.  While I thought of lots of things you could do to me, it was missing something. Add that to what we have been recently going through, it dawned on me, and thus this proposal.

Obviously when we first me you knew little about D/s let alone that you thought you were submissive.  For the last year and a half, you have learned a lot, you have seen what you like and what you don't like.  You have also seen me on my best behavior and my worst.  We also both realize that 24/7 is a better dynamic for us than anything else.  On Monday when you talked about moving out, and I thought about what that would look like I came to a realization.  You most likely would look for a partner that would be submissive to you.  I certainly would be looking for one that would be dominant to me.  It's also likely that if I did find a new dominant partner, that I wouldn't be able to pick and choose the things I wanted in this type of a relationship.  If I tried to manipulate things to fit what I wanted, I would either be punished severely or I would be kicked to the curb.  If you found a submissive partner and he (or she) tried to twist the relationship to their needs instead of yours, you wouldn't tolerate it for long. I'm starting to realize that when I try to make our relationship fit into what I think is right for me, I keep losing the one thing that is what I yearn for deep down.  That is not being in control.  By acting the way I do, I get things I want short term, but at the expense of long term happiness.  I'm realizing I am responsible for my own unhappiness.  By trying to get you to do what I want instead of what you want, I am sabotaging us.

So here is what I am proposing...  A trial of a minimum of 30 days and a maximum of 60 days (you choose), I will promise to not say no, or to act in a manner that would indicate that I wish I could say no to you.  I would like for you to think if we had just met and we didn't have my baggage, what would you require of me.  If that is hard, think if we didn't work out and you found a new submissive partner and you could train them the way you wanted, how would that look?  If you actually did move into the other room, and I begged you to come back, what would you require of me?  In your minds eye, what is YOUR ideal lifestyle for MBB and me?  Think about what you would like and I will do it without attitude.  Some things to consider...
Would your new slave wake up with you or even wake you?  Would he be required to help you in the mornings?  Would he have chores to do?  Would you have any protocols?  Opening all doors?  Chastity?  Other Fetish Items?  Bruises or other markings?  Preparing myself for you?  Sexual servitude? Feminization?  Foot massages? Kneeling?  Sleeping on the floor?  Journal? Maintenance punishment? Calling out to me for trivial things? How much or how little D/s do YOU want?  Imagine how you would have it and I will do it.

What this will do for me is to take my wants and needs out of the equation.  It will allow me to see what happens if I truly give myself up to another.  While I suspect there will be things I won't like, I would like to think it will make me stronger as a person, a partner and a submissive.  It will allow me to see that by doing things I don't think I want may actually be want I am needing.  In the past when I have had to do things I didn't want to do, they have been a good experience long term even though I hated it short term.  It's usually a source of arousal for me when I reflect back on it.

What I hope this will do for you, will be to get you back to where you are comfortable bossing me around.  Where you are aroused by the thought of me doing your bidding.  Where you are sexually and emotionally satisfied.  Where you can say to yourself that you own me and that I am your bitch.

If this doesn't interest you or you have concerns, please let me know.  I thought this was a better approach then me writing a list of what I want.  I love you very much and long for what we used to have in the D/s world.

 

Weekly Post.

It's weird posting right now with the recent drama we've had.  I have had a lot of stuff going through my head the last couple days but don't want to post them as I think they would come across as pushy.

Last night when you commented that the most sexually satisfied you have been with me is when we were as 24/7 as we could be.  I would have to agree with that sentiment as well and think the closer we can get to that dynamic the happier we will both be.  I'm ready and willing when you are.

Clarification on disobedience

Lately I have not been following some of the rules set forth by MBB.  The main one is the lack of dressing feminine while at home.  The reason for this is not that I don't want to do it, but without acknowledgement, and support of doing this I get very insecure.  I have internal battles about dressing and when I don't get the proverbial "pat on the head" I get self concious and feel stupid about doing it.  That's not to say I don't like being forced to dress.  I actually find the forced part of it to be pretty hot.  When I dress myself and do it without reminders or much comment, it feels like I am Domming myself and it doesn't feel forced or submissive.  It makes feels like I am a cross dresser or transvestite for myself and not a slave being forced to dress to please my Mistress.  It may not make a big difference to the outside, but in my brain the difference is huge.  I am writing this to express where my mind is and not to complain.  I really have nothing to complain about, but need to communicate what my male brain needs to consistently dress as my Mistress requires. 

I love you and love having you push my buttons.  I just need some afirmation as your slave. 

Weekly Post - Thoughts on submission, 24/7, and orgasm denial

Since we recently had been talking about orgasm denial and how it pertains to day to day relationship/sexuality I have been giving it a lot of thought.   I am ok without orgasm, but it's hard to get too excited about it without 1. knowing I will get to cum or 2. having no orgasm due to you flexing your dominance as part of our D/s relationship.  I obviously love to cum, which can either be vanilla or D/s, but I only love to be denied in a D/s context.  I am starting to think that was a problem for me in the past.  It comes across that I don't want sex when I really do, but exercising orgasm control while not engaging in D/s is incompatible to me.  Now that doesn't mean I need to be tied up for orgasm control, but I can't be the initiator of sex that ultimately will deny me (or at least I don't think I can).

That got me to thinking about other things.  For example, not blogging last week.  I think that is more due to us having so much going on that D/s is on the back burner.  If it's on the back burner and you aren't getting anything out of me doing the things you want me to do, I really don't want to do them.  Again, I am not saying I need to be tied up or even bossed around, but I at least to be acknowledged when I do as I am told or when I don't so as I'm told.  I don't wear panties, wear nighties, post my day or blog post for me, I do that for you as I believe it pleases you or at least seeing me do things that I don't want to do pleases you.

I want to be clear that I am not bitching in any way.  I love what we have and know that we both have things going on that make D/s less of a priority.  In fact I too have forgotten some things.  In that spirit, I am confessing my "sins" of the last week.
1.  I didn't blog post last week.
2.  I didn't email my plans on the 31st.
3.  I didn't wear a nighty all weekend although I packed one.
4.  Not being in femme clothes as much due to the need to change clothes so many times. 

Lastly, I have been fantasizing about the following things for the last few days...  Being dressed femme more (including under clothes). Being strapped into a corset for hours.  Being caged for hours.  Having my Sophia pics including face posted in places like fetlife or collar me.  Using the tattoo gel on me.  Cum play.  Wearing the straight jacket for long periods of time.  Vac Bed.  Sensory deprivation.  Forced dildo sucking and deep throating. 

I love you and the above email is just communication.  If you have any questions or concerns please let me know.   

          

Weekly Post

I wanted to start by saying how much fun I had on Thursday night.  I have a love hate relationship with Sophia.  I love her when she is all dressed up and getting attention.  Seeing her all sexed up and teetering on her heels makes me hot just thinking about it.  I hate having to get her ready and clean up after her though.

I also enjoyed getting crazy with lust.  Agreeing to do just about anything to cum.  Even better I like it when I can't move a muscle and an at MBB's mercy.  So very, very hot.  I also like how MB gets wet by making me beg and squirm. 

Today MBB picked out what I had to wear around the house.  I know it's a pain for her, so I really appreciate it when she does it.  It much hotter to not have a choice what to wear and makes me feel more like a slave. I am looking forward to MBB telling me to do more things that she knows I may not want to do or that are a little of my comfort zone.  The mind fuck is so hot.

We also need to make sure MBB is satisfied.  it's been awhile since we have taken care of her.  Maybe the fuckeng machine!?!

Found on the internets

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Weekly post - still no orgasm

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Weekly Post - Getting back to where we belong

The last week has been good about getting us back to a place I think we need to be.  I was expecting it to be harder to fall back into allowing myself to submit.  I do believe the fine system is what does it.  I would rather error on the side of following a direction too much instead of not far enough.

Even with our argument on Sunday night, there was no way I was going to get fined for not doing what I said I was going to do.  I knew us arguing was not going to be a valid excuse to not follow the rules.  This was also extremely difficult.  I was very hard to get up yesterday and get dressed femininely.  At the same time I really, really wanted to demonstrate that we could have arguments as a couple and not have it effect the dynamic we both want.  I think living together makes easier to hold me to a set of standards as I can't really run too far away.  It was also humbling to dress this way while trying to be "tough" about things.  I have defintely noticed how hard it is to to be "macho" when wearing pink or frilly things as well as obeying rules I don't want to obey at the time.  I guess that is the true definition of obeying, doing it when you really don't want to.

Besides our argument, I think things are going pretty good.  I expected some growing pains with us now living together, but I think things will work themselves out eventually.  This is also the longest I have gone without an orgasm since we met.  It was somewhere around the 23th-27th since I came.  I am extremely worked up and even was worked up Sunday night and all day Monday.  Even being in an argument doesn't take away the horniness, it just channles it to a darker place.  I think I am in a fairly pliable place mentally right now. 

I'm sorry to have focused on the argument so much.  It's the most recent thing we have had to go through this week so the most fresh in my mind.  I am looking forward to moving past this and deeper in my submission to you. 

Post session post

Last night's session carried over to this morning.  While I really, really wanted an orgasm last night, today I am so happy I didn't have one.  When I plugged myself this morning, it was so tight that it hurt just a tiny bit.  Between being denied, dressed, and plugged, I am actually sitting here in sub space and feeling a little buzzed.  I have such naughty thoughts going through my mind.  If we actually make it to Feb 14th without me having an orgasm, I can only imagine the things I will be thinking about doing.  While I have gone 60 days without cumming, there was maybe only 10 or so days of any teasing or other D/s activity.  I was very occupied with other things so it wasn't too hard on me.  Although we started back on our dynamic on the 1st, I think my last orgasm was around a week earlier, so I am coming up on 2 weeks denied so far and I am loving it.

I wasn't going to say it, but now I am.  When I went up and plugged myself, I tried my stuff from Ulta.  The mascara primer is actually white so it really wonk work for subtle public stuff, I will buy some clear mascara and possibly one a shade darker than clear (maybe the same color as my hair?).  The gloss is naughty.  I can't imagine wearing it willingly in public, but I could see you making me wear it just before we went into a restaraunt or bar.  When I place my order for mascara, I will add some tinted lip balm that is a little less glossy, but adds color.  I can just see glasses aroung the house with my lip color on them.  I also put the clear polish on one nail, and liked it so much I did them all.  It's shiny enough to make me self concious, but not so shiny that people will notice.  Even if they do, it's deniable as I can say its that cuticle oil.  I really had no intention of doing any of this, but I am in such a mood right now.   mmmmmmmmmmmmm

New Year, Restoring Old Dynamic

Even though I don;t have to post until Sunday, I thought I would do a "pre post" to communicate how I am feeling.

The email MBB sent me on Sunday was scary and hot at the same time.  I haven't posted since September 15th and for all practical purposes it's been 3 and a half months since we had led much of a Fem Dom relationship.  I was going to say it was 90% due to life circumstances, but in reality it's 100% due to that. 

While I have enjoyed the freedom to do as I please, when I please, how I please, at the end of the day I am not fulfilled.  Relinquishing control of my cock, my wardrobe, my wallet to some extent, etc. while difficult and not "natural" seems to give me an inner peace.  I know I will either forget things or rebel in some ways, but I am fully aware this is what I want and need.  The hardest thing for me will be doing things without being told to do so.  It's very hard for me to put on my nighty or dress in feminine clothes without being specifically told to do so each time.  The financial penalty phase makes it so I mentally decide if a fine is worth "forgetting" to do something.  For some reason a painful punishment didn't work the same way.  Also the financial punishment takes no effort on MBB's part whereas a pain punishment requires her to take time to restrain me and deliver the punishment.

While I am dreading my time in chastity, the mere thought of having to do something I hate so much gets me going.  There is really something hot (that I can't explain) about being coerced into doing things that are very low on my list of turn ons.  The thought of having my own cum forced into my mouth or other disgusting things, being locked into a cage or just being locked in the dungeon for hours or days would piss me off to no end.  However, to have control taken from me and to know MBB has the confidence to take it to such an extreme gets me all hot and bothered.

Also, the thought of not cumming (or should I say not having an orgasm) until the middle of February gets me pretty ramped up too.  I have gotten way to used to cumming the last few months and am looking forward to the mental sexual fatigue and lack of sleep that comes with tease and denial.  I am also looking forward to having many of the tools in the dungeon used on me as well as being MBB's sex slave and complete slut.

I will post later this week on what's going through my mind.

Almost forgot.  Recent developments had me dig up a couple old posts I found online a while ago.

Since the dungeon is now up and running and the "horse" of out of storage.   http://elisesutton.homestead.com/horse.html

And since we have acquired a fucking machine (read the last story from Janet W.)  http://elisesutton.homestead.com/Aug10.html