Monday, October 8, 2012

More Communication

It's been over 3 months since I have posted here.  I am going to start posting weekly what has been going through my mind the previous week.  This to make sure I am getting thoughts out of my mind as well as to ensure my Mistress knows my state of mind.  This is not intended to be me asking for things or to be a pushy bottom.

Over the last week and a half, I had edged several times.  The two things that ran through my mind the most while stroking was forced cum eating and forced feminization.  While in California, I was forced to cum even though I didn't want to.  It's really weird how years ago I used to masturbate and orgasm every chance I had, and now I don't do either unless instructed.  Even when instructed to masturbate, I don't want to cum by my own hand. I think I am addicted to being teased mercilessly.  Before my trip I had fantasies of Mistress packing my underwear for me.  Instead I chickened out and wore men's underwear. I had also fantasized about Mistress making me cum into a pair of panties while I was traveling and that I had to bring them home all crusted with cum.  Mistress would tell me she was saving them for later to gag me with.

Also over the last week, I have been fantasizing about wearing panties 100% of the time.  Mistress would make me show her my panties a couple times each day to reinforce the mindset.  Some days she would pick out the pair, or change it up by making me wear pantyhose or stockings or shaper underwear under my clothes.  If Mistress ever caught me in male underwear (including those to work out in) without permission, a very unpleasant punishment would be in order.  

I have also been fantasizing about pink toenails again.  But instead of removing toenail polish when we go to the mountains, I would have to swap out bright pink for flesh tone nail polish.  No one would ever notice, but it certainly would be a mind fuck for me.  I also think of being made to wear clear nail polish on my hands for the entire winter with no exceptions.  It would be the same mind fuck for me worrying someone would notice, but I could always say my nails are having issues.  Part of my nail fantasy lately is being forced to wear fake nails that are already painted.  Since for the time being I am rarely leaving the house, I imagine having to put on fake nails and keep them on for 2-3 days in a row.  Colored fingernails are somewhat easy to get used to, but long ones would change everything I do with my hands.

I have also been fantasizing about wearing nighties again.  Not every night as it seems to lose its effect, but whenever instructed to do so.  As I wrote that last line, I realize it's not my place to say when I would wear nighties.  If Mistress wants it to be every night, so be it.  It is my job however to tell her if something is losing its effect.  While I do like having no option when it comes to wearing things, I feel less insecure when Mistress is involved in the decision.

As much as I hate chastity, I have been thinking about being in chastity.  Again, it's not for me, it's because I think my Mistress likes me in chastity.  If she doesn't care one way or another, I am really OK not being in chastity.

I have also been fantasizing about being dressed femme more often.  While it's a turn on to be dressed at home during the day, I really like the mild humiliation that comes with being dressed in front of my Mistress.  There is something about it that makes me weak in the knees and knocks me down a peg.

Lastly, I have been fantasizing about being told to "be ready" when Mistress comes home from work.  Whether that means I am dressed up, tied myself to the bed in advance, prepared to give Mistress a massage, locking myself in the cage, or just being naked in bed ready to pleasure my Mistress.  Being told to "be ready when I get home" seems to just get my mind racing.

Now all of the above is my fantasy.  While I think it's important to communicate, this is actually secondary to me.  Primary to me is "what does Mistress want?”  I want to do things that make my Mistress want to dominate me.  I don't want my Mistress to dominate me because I want her to.  It's so much more fulfilling to me for her to be pleased, turned on, and excited at the thought of dominating me instead of me being dominated just because I want her to.  So even if all the above happened to me, it wouldn't be the same if my Mistress was doing it just to please me.  I would rather only do a small fraction of the above so long as Mistress was doing it in a way that turned her on.

So it's with this post that I tell Mistress I want to be or do whatever pleases you.  

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