The past few days...

Saturday Morning Mistress removed my chastity device.  She said if I was good I would be free until the next afternoon.  We went about our normal weekend routine.  It was weird being free.  I was able to wear some jeans that were tighter.  I wore panties when we went to the movies.  I still slept in my nighty as that was not discussed.  I would like to say I slept better, but I can't say for sure.  I think I got adapted well enough to sleeping in the device.  Mistress didn't tell me to lock up on Sunday even though the device was on the counter after being ran through the dishwasher.  I moved it to the dining room table to get it out of the way Sunday evening.

Monday morning came without me being locked.  I was torn.  Physically I was very happy to be free.  I was able to wear anything I wanted and had a freedom I hadn't experienced in over a month.  Mentally I was confused.  While happy to be free, I was missing something.  I was missing the ache, the desire and the submissiveness I had been feeling.  Insecurity slipped in.  Was Mistress happy with me.  Was chastity too much of a pain for her?  My insecurity built and I decided to edge myself to try and get back the horny needy submissiveness I had been feeling for so long.  I was able to edge about 8 times in less than 5 minutes before I decided to work out.  I put on some slutty red satiny boxers I had and worked out.  I kept debating with myself back and forth of whether it was good for me to be unlocked or not.  I then felt guilty about edging and decided to keep myself busy the rest of the day.  I ran errands and did some chores around the house.  We had some people coming to work on the house so I moved my device from the dining room table to my nightstand.  At bedtime I wondered if I should wear a nighty as I still had insecurities about being a grown man with my particular kinks.  I decided to wear it so that Mistress would know I was committed to our recalibration.

Tuesday came and went without me being locked.  At work I wore pants I could never have worn with my current device.  I also wore some cute Victoria's Secret panties.  All day my mind ran with insecurities about kink, chastity, etc.  I know it's not rational, but it still happens.  Last night I wore a nighty again but for the most part I was felling pretty asexual all day.

Today I got an email from Mistress with instructions.  As I write this, my prostate massager is in my ass until 9:30 this morning.  I didn't want to have to wear it to work, which means I do have to wear it while I work out this morning.  That should give me some interesting sensations, especially doing lunges :-)  Additionally I had to remove and repaint my toenails and fingernails.  My toes are a shiny deep purple and my nails are a clear coat with a tint that matches my regular nail color pretty well.  Besides a tiny bit of shine it's not really visible, but I can certainly feel them so it is a bit of a mind fuck thinking others will notice.  Lastly I will have to wear something feminine under my clothes today.  I am undecided what it will be, but am leaning toward one of these since I am unlocked.  I plan on wearing them tonight for happy hour.

All of that being said I try not to have insecurities.  My male mind gets on the way and I start to have self doubts about being the way I am.  I worry about putting too much pressure on Mistress.  I know there is no changing it since I have been this way since I was a child.  I just have to remember I have someone that loves me for who I am and is kind enough to indulge more often than not.  My head is spinning right now with submissive thoughts and my prostate is throbbing...
         

An Epiphany

Yesterday I was working out and about half way through I felt as though I hit a wall.  I almost quit working out, but I pushed through it.  I'm doing a workout program that requires me to push my muscles to complete failure and then do it again.  It kind of sucks.  It's hard to do, and when I am doing it I sometimes wish I weren't.  There are times I just don't want to work out and dread it, but I do it.  During one particular exercise, my muscles hurt, I was shaking to do one more repetition and when I was done I was relieved.  Then it hit me, this is how I feel about some D/s things I fantasize about.

Lately I have been writing about having Mistress do more extreme things to me.  Beating me until I cry.  Humiliating me in many different ways.  Forcing me to eat my own cum.  Using electricity on me.  Raping my mouth until I choke.  Locking me in chastity when I clearly don't want it.  Denying my orgasms.  Making me wear constrictive clothes at night.  Feminizing me more and more.  Putting me in a cage.  Putting me in difficult or painful bondage positions.  Bruising me or otherwise marking my body.  Even piss play.  The list goes on and on and on (because I'm a little sick in the head :-)

I realized that my wanting to do more extreme things isn't necessarily a bad thing.  It's like working out in a way.  When I work out I "hurt myself" in order to lift heavier weights the next time.  I push myself so that I look better.  I fatigue myself to have better physical stamina. I break myself down to build me up.  I do all of these things in order to be stronger and better than I was the day before.  As much as I hate climbing a massive hill on my bike or doing dead-lifts, I love it when I have pushed myself harder than I thought I could go.

The same goes with my darker D/s fantasies.  I certainly would hate being spanked until I literally cried.  I would fight it, I would be pissed off while it was happening, when it was over I would be proud.  I would wear bruises with the same pride as I do when I have road rash from pushing myself too far on my mountain bike.  I would look back and say "I did that".  I would know I could do more the next time.

Just like I sometimes make myself nauseous with how hard I work out, I get through it.  I imagine some of the more disgusting things I ask Mistress to do to me would make me nauseous but I know I would get through it.  I dream of her breaking me down mentally and physically to build me up, just like I do with my muscles.

Mistress is very, very good to me.  She treats me well.  She indulges me on many occasions.  I'm writing this more to communicate that it's OK to hurt me and push my boundaries in ways that people wouldn't understand.  As a pervy guy with D/s DNA, pushing me past my perceived boundaries is essentially just a workout for my soul.  I'm glad I have been able to identify why I ask for things that would be difficult for me.  It's been nagging me.

 

How to treat a (typical) man - I'm not typical

Last week Mistress texted me this picture and a comment saying how we need to make an exception for #9.  I added that we can make an exception for 1,2,6,8,9,10,11,13 and 14 based on our D/s relationship.

That really got me to thinking about how I like to be treated.  This book is titled "MAN LEADS, woman follows, Everyone Wins".  I hate any advice that acts like these is one size that fits all.  I can certainly lead and do so in my day to day, but I really strive to have someone lead me in the bedroom and in our relationship.

So the list above can be flipped for me as far my kinky needs.  Let's take them one by one.

1. Never belittle your man.  I get this on a day to day basis, but in the bedroom, I can really get off on this.  "Who's my little slut?", "Look at those panties on you", "Do you think you deserve to cum?"  I could go on and on, but there are a million ways I dream of Mistress belittling me.  I think it's hot and it gets me to the edge faster.

2.  Never talk down to him.  I don't know why the author thought this is different than #1 so I have nothing to add.

3.  Never ignore him.  I can think of a few times being ignored would be hot.  Locked in a cage.  Tied to the bed and left to stew in my own thoughts. Tied and ignored while Mistress gets herself off.  Made to stand in a corner.  Ignored while Mistress plays with a girl.  Orgasm denial is another great way to ignore me.  When we first met, Mistress had a hard time ignoring my orgasms.  I actually had to beg her to not let me cum.  She got pretty good at denying me, eventually sending me home without an orgasm after she had multiple.  Lately she has been very generous with my orgasms, but denying me fulfills a submissive need for me.  I think a daily orgasm for Mistress is good while I am limited to one or 2 a month. 

6.  Never cause him to feel embarrassed.  I edge myself to the idea of Mistress embarrassing me I find it so hot.  Kneeling naked, masturbating into my own hand and eating it. I can't think of anything more embarrassing.  Sucking a dildo and Mistress making me say how much I love cock.  Dressing feminine and going online to follow the instructions of others.  Not being allowed to take off my nighty in the morning or having to wear something feminine when Mistress comes home.  All of that just pushes my buttons so much.  I am hard thinking about being embarrassed.  I sometimes think Mistress tries to avoid embarrassing me which is a pity because I really do fantasize about her making me do things specifically to embarrass me.  It's one of the reasons I spend so much time thinking about cum eating, cross-dressing, being written on, and even considering piss play.

8.  Never manipulate him.  I love the idea of being manipulated.  Being told to wear my chastity device when Mistress knows how much I dislike it feels very manipulative to me.  Knowing I don't want to wear it, but knowing I need to do as she says to keep our D/s dynamic going.  It's a mind fuck to have to do something I don't want to do.  Also having to do things to earn release or to earn D/s is a hot way to manipulate me.  

9. Never boss him.  I like being bossed both in and out of the bedroom.  If Mistress wanted to boss me more than she does now I'd be very OK with it.

10.  Never laugh at his mistakes or faults.  I can imagine Mistress setting me up to fail at a task and then using that opportunity to make fun of me.  I can also imagine her laughing at me when I am tied down or dressed up and emasculating me for my "needs".

11.  Never put any person before him.  In the past Mistress has been with a woman, and for that reason I have long fantasized about Mistress having a girlfriend a Mistress or a female slave of her own.  I have thought about Mistress cuckolding me with a woman.  I would be home while she went out with her girlfriend, or I would be told to sleep in a cage or in another room while Mistress girlfriend stayed the night.  I would have to get up and cook them breakfast and serve it to them.  

13.  Never be inconsiderate of his feelings.  In a D/s context I relish when Mistress is inconsiderate of my feelings.  Whether it's not letting me cum, forcing me into chastity, hitting my balls, hitting me when I am restrained until I am begging to stop, making me wear nighties when I don't want to, making me do what I promised to do when I was on the edge.  All of these things require Mistress to be inconsiderate of my feelings.  Especially as I ask her to do things to me that I know will make me mad at the time.   It's considering my feelings to be inconsiderate of my feelings (With a double negative like that, no wonder D/s can be so hard in a relationship).

14. Never tell his personal business.  I have a fantasy of being outed by Mistress to another woman.  When I first met Mistress she shared our relationship with a friend or two, but I'm not sure how much.  I can still imagine Mistress telling someone something about my proclivities.  I imagine it would be in a drunken state on a trip far away from home.

In conclusion, Mistress is very, very good to me.  She respects me, loves me, puts up with this side of me and makes me feel like the most important person in the world.  I feel astronomically lucky to have found her. Sometimes I think she loves me so much she can't push me the way I think I want.  I think she may fear hurting me or pushing me away.  I can sense a reluctance to push my limits or maybe it just takes too much energy to do so.  Either way after spending nearly a week thinking about the book page she sent me and how I am wired, I can assure Mistress that I need the opposite of what the book says men need.  This is not meant to be a pushy bottom email, just a communicative one.     

Blog post that I could relate to

I get lots of emails from Fetlife.  90% of them I delete.  Once in a great while I'll find a post that could have been written by me.  Below is that post.  I can identify with it by how often in my life I started to get exactly what I wanted and then I got scared and retreated.  This post just reminded me of how lucky I am to have a woman that has tolerated my occasional flakiness in this reals as well as a reminder to me to rember why I like what I like and how not to mess that up.  Here is the post.

'Lost opportunities. Alas. '

I've come oh-so-close to living in a relationship that involved true D/s, back in the day that is, but I never took that big step. More than once I had the chance, with some wonderful women who had all the qualities you could hope for in a potential partner.  She was serious about female dominance, feminization, bondage, discipline, humiliation as well as chastity.  She had intellect, passion, humor, and strength. A playful, creative spirit, sexuality unburdened and deliciously bent. Literate and wicked, with a voice that drips verbal humiliation like thick, golden honey. Ah, but I wax poetic.

Anyway, I always balked as soon as it became real, I panicked, and back-pedaled the relationships back to vanilla, or even male-dominant. I've played the dominant role most of my life, and comfortably; I'm naturally dominant in all aspects of life, and I've had long-term relationships with submissive women. Loved every minute.

But while being dominant was who I am, it wasn't what fueled my fantasies. I dreamed of Female Led Relationships filled with enforced chastity, role reversal, domestic servitude, feminization and strap-ons. Grass is always greener on the other side, I guess. So, every once in a while, between relationships (I never cheat), I'd try to flip the switch to submissive. Sometimes it was with my vanilla or submissive partner, if they took a real interest in what makes me tick, and showed a capacity to take the reins. Sometimes it didn't work, and the relationship failed. But what was even worse, sometimes they took to dominance like a duck to water. THAT was what scared me! The closer they got to making my deep fantasies come true, the more I'd try to wriggle away.

One girlfriend, brilliant and beautiful, seized her power and took steps to put me in chastity. It starts as pillow talk, but when it moves to conversations outside the bedroom, you know she's seriously thinking about it. We were just moving in together, and one night over dinner, she informed me that I was about to be placed in chastity. With an evil grin and a dispassionate tone, she outlined her intent to wean me off her pussy and transition me to a life of strictly regimented chastity and denial. Gulp! 
She walked me over to the computer and made me watch as she ordered the chastity device. "Um..." I stammered, as her finger hovered gracefully over the mouse before the final click.

"Too late now," she teased, "I ordered it, so you are certainly going to wear it." Then she dismissed me to do the dishes and clean up, chores appropriate for one of my diminishing status.

Long story short, it came, she came, and I didn't get to come.

It was so hot, so exciting, and so wrong that it was so right. But rather than go with it, I resisted, Lord knows why, it was my fantasy, after all. But I couldn't let go of my pride and my dominant side long enough to just have some fun, and my resistance sent her mixed signals. She wondered if she was doing something wrong, started doubting her dominance, and we just took things back to more familiar ground.

I always wonder what if. Ah, well. One thing is certain, I've learned my lesson. To quote a friend, "Had to learn the hard way, to let her pass by." Next time, if there is such a thing, I'm in. You can bet on it. It's a lock.

Compassion

Last night Mistress asked if I had been plugged while in chastity.  I confirmed that I had. I asked why, and she said she planned on having me plugged today (which I currently am) and she wanted to make sure I wouldn't be too uncomfortable by getting hard and such.  Since the plug itself doesn't make me hard, it's not a problem.

While I appreciate Mistress' concern for my comfort and well being, I'm hoping I can convince her it's ok to be less compassionate.  For example, last night Mistress had me in a nighty and my chastity device.  Either one makes sleep a little more difficult and combined, they make it even more difficult.  At the same time, the difficulty of it all is a powerful reminder of her control and me being a willing slave.  Last night I woke up around midnight frustrated about my cock being locked and my nighty being tangled around me.  This morning I woke up incredibly horny, hard as a rock in my cage (it's not that uncomfortable) and as I write this I am getting all sub-spacey and hard again.

The frustration and the loss of control is the turn on, not the device or the nighty.  I hate to say it, but the turn on for me is being fucked with.  To imagine Mistress intentionally making me frustrated, uncomfortable, embarrassed, humiliated, challenged, dreading something, etc. turns me on like nothing else.  To see her do it with a glimmer in her eye, a smile on her face, all well knowing how it pushes my buttons, makes my head spin and makes me hard in my unforgiving device.

Without trying to be a pushy bottom I want Mistress to know it's OK to push harder.  It's ok to take something she is doing to me and going further.  I promise to communicate if I can't do something or if something was too hard.  I don't want her to fear being mean to me.

I found this on a blog from a Mistress that is pretty strict with her husband...

  The other thing to remember is the why of it all. Why should a wife make the effort to monitor her husband's activities, or punish him from time to time? It is not because we enjoy doing it. For most of us disciplining a man can be something of a burden. We do it because we love him. Being a mistress to a man is an act of love. For most of us there is no inner thrill that comes with being a mistress.
Most of us are not naturally dominant. For most of us becoming a mistress is something of a chore that must be learned. Once again, as women, we do these things because our man needs us to be there for him in a special way that only a few people can understand. What I do believe is that the world be a better place if more women rose to the occasion by becoming mistresses to their men.  

I love my Mistress!  

In my mind

Last night at bed time, Mistress and I had a minor disagreement.  After a few minutes of back and forth, Mistress said something to the effect of "shut up and put on your nighty".  Normally I get a little defensive when we have a disagreement, but her changing it from a normal relationship issue into a D/s opportunity made me back off and submit.  It also went deep into my mind.  We quickly got over the issue, and I fell asleep with a hard-on and a smile.  During the night, each time I woke up and felt the nighty, my head would spin a bit.  I loved that she took a dominant position in a disagreement.  I am so wanting a D/s influence in our life that I quickly put away my male ego and let it happen.

This morning I woke up in a very submissive and sissy state of mind.  I so wanted to be "forced" to wear the nighty until she left for work. I so want to be humiliated and "forced" into feminine attire in front of her.  Instead of putting on my nighty before slipping into the sheets, I imagine having to wear it as we get ready for bed, or even watching TV.  Anything to push erotic humiliation in my mind.

I have been trying to figure out a way to explain thoughts on wanting Mistress to be meaner to me.  During my research I found an interesting post.  A person was criticising a Domme for spanking her husband above and beyond his comfort level as well as making him sleep in a cage when he displeased her.  This person was saying it amounted to abuse.  The Domme reassured this person that she did not abuse her husband even though it might appear so to an outsider.  They communicate frequently, discuss issues and work for a resolution.  He rarely has issues though, no matter what she did to him.  She explained that even though her husband frequently cried during spankings and had difficulty sleeping in a cage, it was actually a reward for him.  A reward because being treated that way is what his soul needed.  Tears might be a bad thing for a lot of people and situations, but for him tears were a necessary part of his submission.  While beating her husband and dreaming up new ways to be meaner to him would be abusive in a non D/s relationship, he would see it as abuse is she didn't do these things.  Her "meanness" is her gift to him.

I thought that was a perfect way to explain it.  Now I don't know about being beaten to tears, but I do frequently think about being pushed past my preconceived ideas of my limits.  Whether its having my limits pushed physically, mentally, in private or public, my mind spins with thoughts of  desperately wanting something to stop while at the same time wanting it to continue.  It's a weird world my brain lives in.  I'm lucky to have found a woman that tolerates me.  

Humiliation

Yesterday Mistress had a nail appointment.  The night before she gave me a task.  She told me that while she was at the salon I was to dress in a cheerleader outfit I have and send her pics.  I really wasn't feeling the least bit sexy when I did it.  I felt humiliated and silly.  I still did it as I have no intention of failing at any of my assigned tasks.  Now it's a day later and I am a little worked up about her having those pictures on her phone.  While it's humiliating, it's hot.  To think she could show a friend or text me with a picture of me when I least expect it gets me hot and bothered.  I fantasize about Mistress telling me to put the cheerleader outfit on for certain football games or all day on Sunday.  I also fantasize about Mistress making me do things during her 3 hour nail appointments.  Chores, tasks, locked in a cage, more humiliations, etc.  So while I didn't want to dress as a cheerleader yesterday, the fact that I had to makes it very, very hot.  There are lots of things I think of Mistress making me do that I would not like at the time, but like this, it would become major fantasy material.  Thank you Mistress!

With sleeves and sleeveless

 

Surprise!

Yesterday Mistress surprised me a little.  She needed some alone time, so she hinted I should go out for happy hour without her.  This isn't unusual so I didn't think much about it.  I went upstairs to get ready and shortly after I got in the bath to shave my body I got a text from her that read "Before you leave, back into chastity you go...and bring me the key".  I got an instant hard-on.  Mistress hasn't been feeling well, and with me recently serving my chastity punishment I thought we would be done for at least a few days.  I was pleasantly surprised she was in the mood to control me.

I went out and couldn't get my mind of of my situation.  After a few beers I was pretty worked up.  Mistress allows me to check out other women, and will frequently point out women to me.  It's different checking out women while I am locked up vs when I am not.  I would never cheat on MBB so I am not sure why it seems to different.  

When I got home Mistress let me out.  I thought there was a 50/50 chance of me staying locked up, so when she offered me the key I took it.  I have a hunch I would have been locked up indefinitely had I come home too late.  It's almost like Cinderella's glass slipper :-)

Just as we were getting into bed Mistress had me put on a pink camisole with white boy shorts.  I told her I appreciated her being mean to me.  She told me "you just wait and see".  Another instant hard-on.  I also told her that this last week in chastity has taught me something.  Anyone reading this blog knows how much I hate chastity.  I have come to realize I don't hate chastity, I hate the role it played in my previous relationship and I carried that into this relationship.  My ex-wife would lock me up and frequently forget/ignore my situation.  I would be having this 24/7 sexual battle raging in my mind and she wouldn't be a participant.  Add not getting along and it was a mess.  When I met MBB and she used chastity on me, we weren't living together yet. I would act like my chastity with MBB was the same as I did with my ex-wife.  Now MBB and I have been living together for a few years.  We get along with or without D/s.  This week she took an small but active role in my chastity punishment, so I have realized chastity with MBB is much more enjoyable than I had ever experienced.  I may regret writing that...

Changing subjects.  I have told Mistress a few times how my kink can be somewhat controlling of me.  I have mentioned how fortunate I am to have met MBB before I met the wrong person when I was single.  The way I am wired I could be controlled and manipulated quite a bit with kink as the source.  Had I met an unethical woman I could have likely been in bad situations.  That being said, this same weakness of mine can be exploited for good.  Mistress has already used it is some ways (no dishes in the sink when she comes home, dry cleaning, her nail appointments, no unauthorized orgasms). I mention this to remind Mistress that she has more power over me than she realizes.  As she contemplates making sure her wants and needs are being fulfilled, I want her to know that she has much control over me as she wants.  I want her to know her control is something I crave.  I want her to have confidence that being meaner to me is not a bad thing, it's a good thing.  I don't want her to worry about pushing my limits.  This last week in chastity and how fulfilling it was will go into my brain as a very exciting.

Today's inspiration.

            

Released, but still under her spell.

After 4 full days and three full nights (about 85 hours) Mistress released my from my chastity punishment.  So while my cock is free, my mind is still very much locked up.  Of course chastity has something to do with it.  There is no way to have 1 lb of steel locked tightly to your cock and not have it affect you.  But for me, the reason I am still a hot mess is that Mistress took firm control of me.  She locked me longer than she ever has (I was surprised she did it as long as she did).  She acted as if she didn't care if I was challenged or not.  She confirmed what I suspected, that if I bitched at all about it my punishment would have not ended yet (very hot by the way).

It's hard to explain, but while I was in physical distress, my mind was euphoric.  While I was frustrated I was overjoyed.  While I was locked, I felt a freedom.  As much as I wanted out, I wanted to stay locked up much longer.  Not because I like chastity, but because I loved the feeling of being owned and controlled.

More important than any of the above is that I hope my Mistress got something out of the last 4 days.  I hope she got hot thinking about me being locked.  I hope she got a rush of power by seeing me walk into the bathroom first thing with my device dangling in front of me.  I hope she got wet thinking about how frustrated I must be.  I hope she found something over the last 4 days that has her planning her next attack.  I hope she will use my state of mind to fulfill her needs and wants as opposed to feeding my wants.  I really do like serving her and I am so very pliable right now.

Instead of me spouting off about a bunch of fantasy stuff, I will end with this.  I am a very fortunate man to have met someone that understands me so well and loves me enough to indulge me.  I am so very much in love.

Today's inspiration found online...

Training tip: Address his emotional needs and comfort him when he needs it. You are strict, but you do care… He won't be cumming anytime soon though.

.

 

Punishment

I sit here finding myself in chastity again.  After a wonderful holiday abroad, it's time for me to pay for a couple of my sins.  Mistress and I agreed that I would wear a nighty every night of our vacation.  We were having such good amazing sex and I got to cum a lot, so that idea wasn't so hot any longer.  A few of the nights I went to bed after Mistress and didn't feel it was necessary.  After a few days she mentioned it and told me I needed to correct it.  She also told me I would be punished when we returned home.  She told me I would be in chastity as soon as out work week started again.  I have no idea for how long or how chastity will be implemented, but will gratefully accept my sentence.  She did mention she might get herself off multiple times while I had to lay there in bondage and observe and that I certainly would be very frustrated. As much as I don't want to be in chastity I am excited to have Mistress enforcing her will on me more forcefully.  For the most part I do a good job of servicing her, but I also have my ego and insecurities that come up occasionally.  While I think it's human nature to be compassionate about another's insecurities, I am wired differently.  While I want to be understood, I also want to be encouraged (as well as forced).  Encouraged to push myself to be more submissive, more feminine, more subservient to my Mistress' needs and desires, and to pay the price when I push back (consciously or not).

In addition to not wearing a nighty every night, I also stayed out too late one night and put myself in a bad position by drinking too much and getting lost on my way back to our room.  I'm disappointed in my behavior and don't want to repeat it.  I don't like disappointing Mistress because she trusts me more than anyone ever has.  As best as I can tell Mistress has forgiven me although there might be additional punishment in store for me.  If there is, I certainly deserve it, and I believe that I need it.  I am not one to misbehave to get a punishment. It's too easy for Mistress to just withdraw from D/s and leave me wanting.  Sometimes withdrawing from D/s is a valid way to deal with my behavioral issues.  Other times I think D/s can be used to encourage or discourage certain behaviors, especially if they are unpleasant.  I spent some time thinking punishments that I would not want repeated.  A few of the ones I communicated with Mistress was a true spanking/beating as described here ( http://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com/2013/03/beating-your-man-properly.html ).  Handwriting a certain number of lines to enforce expectations.  Spending time in a corner holding up a quarter with my nose.

The beating if done as described scares the bejesus out of me.  Pain really does nothing for me, unless it's been sexualized.  There is nothing in that beating description that seems sexual to me.  I can imagine one night being out and remembering a beating like that and getting myself home.  I would also like to think Mistress is capable of going to that extreme.  Handwriting lines would be boring as fuck especially of made to do it in solitude but repeating the same phrase hundreds of times would be memorable when out and about.  Corner time might even be worse because there is no task to take my mind off things.  Time to reflect on my sins might also be effective.

All of that being said, we had an overall great vacation.  We needed this time together.  We had some amazing sex.  We had a great deal of relaxation and I feel closer to her than before we left.  I am so in love with her and I miss her as this is our first day apart in the last 10 days.  I'm also excited to have Mistress taking her Head of Household role and encouraging my service and submissiveness.  I want to make her happy in so many ways.  I love you Mistress.            

This morning's edge - Hot Story

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Today's Edge - Too much for me

While I edged to this blog post, there is no way I could be the man in it.  It would certainly be a hard limit.

Bra Fitting at Victoria's Secret!
The other day when I was punishing david for overspending I made him dress in his schoolgirl outfit which included a bra under his blouse. He kept his blouse on for most of the punishment, but when he started undressing afterwards it reminded me of how ill-fitting and cheap looking his bra was. Well, I decided to do something about that, so I took david to get fitted for a proper bra this week. And where else?

Victoria's Secret of course! OMG, this has always been a fantasy of ours, to take him there and get him properly fitted, and we finally did it. Yay!

FULL POST

Tried to edge - but couldn't

This morning, I was reading a post from a site I have read occasionally over the last 15 years.  It's one that guided some of my thoughts on submission, especially feminization.  She explains how she got into feminizing boys, and she had some parallels that are very close to mine.  While I was reading I was trying to edge to the article.  As I stroked my cock trying to get it hard, I started leaking. I was a mile from the edge, but the minor arousal had my prostate pumping out fluid.  I stopped, cleaned up the small mess and tried again.  By the time I got fully hard, I was leaking a larger amount, but I was still miles form an edge.  I think the tank is full so to speak.  To avoid any larger mess, I stopped attempting to edge and put it back in my pants.  I have never been a big pre-cum'er but I certainly was today.  Here is the full post http://akashaweb.com/updates/FFemwhyfree.html and some excerpts that spoke to me.

As a budding sadist, those first tender moments of honest, vulnerable male resistance were like crack cocaine. The innocent, pleading eyes. The fear of what it would turn him into. Just innocent teenagers, a boy could be easily persuaded to go along with something if it meant more kissing, or, simply, to make me happy. What boy didn’t want to be desired?

My later teenager years saw my sexuality shaped by erotically suggestive moments in two distinct groups: The totally new-romantic androgynous “pretty boy,” and the conservative bookworm and/or jock who only endured things like eyeliner or lipgloss behind closed doors. For me. And to endure these things made him feel shy, vulnerable, objectified. I was infatuated with one thing: Surrender.

Masculine men who are uncomfortable about appearing vulnerable make for very exciting feminization prey. I was totally intoxicated by the willingness of a man to explore androgyny (behind closed doors), and the inevitable embarrassment when the androgyny aroused him, despite his best efforts. It immediately put me in a position of power, because he was lost and not in control of his own sexual reactions. And, plus, I found androgyny to be incredibly sexy.


That’s when I learned that a pair of women’s panties was the ultimate tool for making a man squirm. Of course, at the same time, in my bondage exploits, I was learning that a pair of panties was also the most devious and effective impromptu gag, or could be used in a variety of tortures related to teasing and denial.

Cleared a hurdle

Last night as we were getting ready for bed, I was playing a game on my phone wearing my male clothes.  Mistress was in bed, ready for me to turn out the lights and go to sleep.  She didn't mention anything about my male attire either because she didn't think about it or she wanted to see what I would do.  In my own mind I was debating what to do.  I was feeling insecure about putting a nighty on.  I was slightly humiliated at the thought.  My male ego was trying to take over.  I debated a little bit more and decided I really want to do 100% of what my Mistress asks of me, even especially if I don't like it.  That is what true submission is about.  That being said, from about 4 am until I got up, I had many naughty thoughts running through my mind.  I woke up horny as could be.  I got through my self doubt, and submitted.  This is the first time I can ever remember of not letting my macho male ego get the better of me, and doing what I was told to do without it becoming an "issue" in my relationship.  I really feel my mindset changing and the pushy bottom part of me leaving.

For today's edge I thought about Mistress fucking with me this weekend.  Mistress will be going out of town this weekend for about 24 hours.  While I will likely just hang around the house or go grab a drink somewhere, I couldn't help thinking about other possibilities.    I edged to the idea of Mistress telling me to wear a bra and stockings with garters and my chastity device and having me go to a strip club.  Although I think it would be more fun having her with me for something like that.  I edged to the idea of her having me take her to the airport and/or pick her up, but I would be wearing womens clothes (jeans or slacks and a femme shirt, something not obvious but still a mind fuck for me).   If we didn't have our pets, I thought about her putting me in chains, shackles and chastity, naked and putting me in the dungeon and locking the door.  She would have webcams on me the whole time.  I would have a pair of bolt cutters in case of an emergency, but I would be in jail for 24 hours.  I imagined her locking me in the dog cage.  I would have to sit in it until she sent me the combination to the lock. I imagine her giving me a household chore or chores she wants done while she is gone.  I would be judged on how well I completed them.  I imagined Mistress teasing me with pictures of her or her taunting me about her slave at home.

I love my Mistress very much!

Mindset this week

I have been ordered to wear something sexy under my clothes this week.  Yesterday I chose pink leggings.  These were by far the sexiest feeling garment I have worn all week.  The leggings were thick and tight.  I almost felt like I was restrained while I was wearing them.  Every step I took I could feel them (even more than garters).  They smashed my cock down, so where I would normally have a bulge I had none.  That was a little emasculating, but in a good way.  All I could think of is "what if the person I am talking to knew what I was wearing".  While I was physically relieved to get out of them, mentally I was not.  It was kind of like being untied.  The discomfort went away, but the stimulation did too.

In addition to wearing something sexy under my clothes during the day I also have to wear a nighty to bed each night.  There is something different this time about having a standing order.  I have to think about what I want to wear.  I have to plan it and make it happen.  There can be no excuses or MBB will punish me by taking away D/s.  It's a mind fuck because I have to overcome my inhibitions and insecurity and just do it.  I have to own it and I have to accept that I like dressing up.  I am emasculated in a way that is so sexy to me, especially when she sees me in something sexy or naughty.  It affects me deeply in a very good way.

One thing about this week is I keep thinking "I wish I had this or that to wear".  I have imagined several outfits and sleeping clothes.  I can't help thinking this way.  I go into sub space just thinking about it.

Today's edge was me fantasizing about everything above as well as the concept below.

   

Obedience

On Friday afternoon Mistress was kind enough to initiate sex (because I still have such an issue with it).  It was quick, hot and messy.  And awesome.  There was no kink to it, which is fine as we needed to connect emotionally.  However Saturday morning we again had sex, and this time Mistress was whispering lots of kinky stuff to me.  She also gave me a list of demands.

First off me me start by saying THANK YOU MISTRESS.  Second, I have a habit of forgetting what Mistress mentions in the heat of the moment and apparently so does Mistress sometimes.  That being said I have started to ask clarifying questions and am also doing my best to follow instructions.  MBB has shown me that disobedience means we can go very long times without D/s, so my goal is to do everything and anything she tells me to do without question.

First, On Sunday I was to remove my pink toenail polish and put on some purple polish.  I did this yesterday without her having to remind me.  I have to admit, it looks pretty good and I liked the mental aspect of removing one color just to put on another.

Second, Starting last night I am to wear nighties to bed.  Now in the past I have asked her to not make it a standing rule as I find it hot to have her specifically telling me when to wear such items.  Recently though I have come to the conclusion that while it's hotter for me to tell me directly, it's me being a pushy bottom.  Once I got rid of that pre-conceived idea I have a new mindset.  I may very well be wearing nighties every night for the rest of my life.  I may like it, I may not.  Doing something the way she wants me to and not the way I want to is submission, and I want to submit.  Either way, I just got a mental buzz and a hard-on writing those last few sentences.

Third, I am to wear something sexy (which I take to mean feminine) under my work clothes each day this week.  I don't yet know what they will be, but the very prospect makes me feel owned as well.

Lastly, Mistress has mentioned chastity again.  Now anyone that has read this blog knows how I feel about chastity.  It's ok, and even be fun with an active participant, but it's easy to feel sorry for yourself when there is little activity.  Because there is a fair level of discomfort, it's easy to get cranky.  That being said, it's the same thought I had as above.  If Mistress does things the way I want, it's really her submitting and not me submitting.  If Mistress wants me in chastity, I want to be in chastity.  I want to please her, I want to demonstrate my obedience to her, and I want her to feel confident in her dominance of me.

MBB is a very good Domme, however I have pushed back too much in the past.  I cannot and will not let that happen again.  I will be as obedient as I possibly can no matter what she makes me do.  I love how wet she gets when she knows she owns my mind, body and soul.

Dress Slutty - AM

Mistress told me to dress slutty today.  My mind had been spinning trying to figure out what to wear.  In my mind I want to be super slutty, but I am insecure about going all out slutty.  I hate to admit how trashy I feel right now.  Since I had to work out first I decided to go with this outfit.

Now that I have worked out, I am going to take a bath and femmescape.  I will then have to pick out an afternoon outfit.  Whatever will I wear???

I'll update again this afternoon.

What does mean mean?

I woke up around 3 this morning.  While I was trying to go back to sleep I replayed some recent things Mistress has said to me.

Last night after dinner Mistress mentioned that the day she had me wear the camisole, she had originally intended me to wear panyhose or tights under my pants.  Her concern was that it was too hot that day and it would be mean.  Earlier this week she mentioned she had intended for me to re-do the nail polish on my toes, but thought it would be mean if I couldn't wear flip flops this weekend.  Last week Mistress called "safe" before I did.  I am guessing there are few more things she has thought about making me do but considers it "mean".

Now I am very lucky to have someone that wants the best for me and doesn't want to see me hurt.  In most cases that is a good thing.  The problem is I am wired a little bit differently than most.  I have also created some of her caution by being wishy-washy early on in our relationship.

Now she's right, it would have been very hot to be wearing stockings that day.  I might of even wished she didn't make me do it.  However I know deep down I would have loved it.  It likely would have been my edging material for the next day.  Same goes for the nail polish.  Me wearing flip flops takes a backseat to her wishes.  Flip flops are bad for my cracked heels anyhow.

That being said, I think I know a workaround as well as a way for Mistress to get her confidence back as far as being meaner to me.  Let's tae Tuesday as an example.  She wanted me to wear stockings but reconsidered and had me wear a camisole.  If as part of that task she said "either wear stockings or a camisole today" I could then choose.  Looking back I likely would have worn both.  Ultimately I don't want to have the choice.  I want her to make me do what she wants me to do.

I obviously have limits, but what I find to be the biggest turn on in the world is bumping up against my limits.  Going up to the edge and flirting with my limits is where the magic happens.  The edge of pain.  The edge of humiliation.  The edge of something disgusting.  The edge of breathing.  The edge of discomfort.  The edge of being outed.  The edge of cumming.  The edge of my insecurity.  These things are all meant to be pushed.

I'm sure Mistress is afraid of pushing me too far.  There is nothing to worry about.  Small steps and communication will allow her to be mean in the way I need without being mean overall.

I haven't had time to edge yet, but when I do this is what I am going to edge to.  Some people might consider it mean.

We have a bunch of weeds in our yard that need to be picked.  My edging will be me fantasizing about Mistress picking out my clothes for a day in the back yard.  I imagine my work boots and shorts of some sort.  I also imagine my legs being shackled as well as my wrists with a steel collar around my neck.  Mistress would be sitting on the patio reading magazines or surfing porn.  She would be playing with herself while watching me work.  After I was done with the weeds she would inspect my work, and point out weeds I missed.  I would then be taken in for a punishment for missing the weeds.

I should be careful what I wish for, but I can't.

Side Note.  Sunday marks one year of me keeping track of orgasms.  Here are the stats.

40 Total Orgasms
4  Ruined
3 By my own hand - with permission

Today's Edge - Painted and Plugged and Vacation

This morning I woke up to an email that instructed me to wear my butt plug a minimum 2 hours today as well as painting my fingernails and toenails with clear polish.  The clear polish on my fingernails is always a constant reminder of how desperate I am for Mistress' control over me.  I can actually feel the polish as well as the constant visual reminder.  While I was putting it on I noticed how subtle it really is.  It made me think about going a shade or 2 closer to pink or red.  Once I started on that line of thought, I started thinking about yet more naughty thoughts.  As I edged, I thought about MBB making me wear polish on our upcoming vacation.  People might notice, but we will never see them again.  Then that got my mind going, what else could we do on a vacation that would no one would actually notice, but would be a total mind fuck to me.  Some of the things that ran through my mind...

Wearing a shorter than normal swimsuit in public (not a speedo).
Tinted nail polish
Clear or darker mascara
Tinted lip balm
Cock Ring at meals, shows or even the pool
butt plug
bra or camisole under suit
stockings under clothes (socks not allowed)
panties
women's perfume or deodorant
chastity
toys

Femme

This morning's edge had me edging to the thought of wearing feminine items.  I was thinking about my painted toenails which made me think of painted fingernails or even fake nails.  I thought about Miss Bossy Bitch enforcing a panties only policy again.  I imagined having to wear pantyhose or stockings and a bra or camisole for extended periods of time and she would make me send her pictures as proof.  I imagined having to wear black opaque stockings with no socks when I went to visit customers.  I would imagine they would know, but it's likely they wouldn't even notice.  I imagine MBB making me keep my little tuft of pubic hair in a feminine style.  I imagine being told to wear feminine deodorant as well as mascara. I imagine Mistress having me wear something Femme at night when she comes home from work.  I imagined having to wear women's shorts around the house and yard on the weekends.  The would be deniable from a distance, but not close up.

I imagined Mistress asking for my credit card and she would go online and buy things for me as a humiliating surprise.  Or she would make me buy things in person (I get butterflies just thinking about it).  For my last edge I imagined Mistress would make me post my Sophia pictures online with my face blurred.

I love my Mistress!