Wednesday, October 1, 2014

In my mind

Last night at bed time, Mistress and I had a minor disagreement.  After a few minutes of back and forth, Mistress said something to the effect of "shut up and put on your nighty".  Normally I get a little defensive when we have a disagreement, but her changing it from a normal relationship issue into a D/s opportunity made me back off and submit.  It also went deep into my mind.  We quickly got over the issue, and I fell asleep with a hard-on and a smile.  During the night, each time I woke up and felt the nighty, my head would spin a bit.  I loved that she took a dominant position in a disagreement.  I am so wanting a D/s influence in our life that I quickly put away my male ego and let it happen.

This morning I woke up in a very submissive and sissy state of mind.  I so wanted to be "forced" to wear the nighty until she left for work. I so want to be humiliated and "forced" into feminine attire in front of her.  Instead of putting on my nighty before slipping into the sheets, I imagine having to wear it as we get ready for bed, or even watching TV.  Anything to push erotic humiliation in my mind.

I have been trying to figure out a way to explain thoughts on wanting Mistress to be meaner to me.  During my research I found an interesting post.  A person was criticising a Domme for spanking her husband above and beyond his comfort level as well as making him sleep in a cage when he displeased her.  This person was saying it amounted to abuse.  The Domme reassured this person that she did not abuse her husband even though it might appear so to an outsider.  They communicate frequently, discuss issues and work for a resolution.  He rarely has issues though, no matter what she did to him.  She explained that even though her husband frequently cried during spankings and had difficulty sleeping in a cage, it was actually a reward for him.  A reward because being treated that way is what his soul needed.  Tears might be a bad thing for a lot of people and situations, but for him tears were a necessary part of his submission.  While beating her husband and dreaming up new ways to be meaner to him would be abusive in a non D/s relationship, he would see it as abuse is she didn't do these things.  Her "meanness" is her gift to him.

I thought that was a perfect way to explain it.  Now I don't know about being beaten to tears, but I do frequently think about being pushed past my preconceived ideas of my limits.  Whether its having my limits pushed physically, mentally, in private or public, my mind spins with thoughts of  desperately wanting something to stop while at the same time wanting it to continue.  It's a weird world my brain lives in.  I'm lucky to have found a woman that tolerates me.  

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