Wednesday, January 20, 2016

The past few days...

Saturday Morning Mistress removed my chastity device.  She said if I was good I would be free until the next afternoon.  We went about our normal weekend routine.  It was weird being free.  I was able to wear some jeans that were tighter.  I wore panties when we went to the movies.  I still slept in my nighty as that was not discussed.  I would like to say I slept better, but I can't say for sure.  I think I got adapted well enough to sleeping in the device.  Mistress didn't tell me to lock up on Sunday even though the device was on the counter after being ran through the dishwasher.  I moved it to the dining room table to get it out of the way Sunday evening.

Monday morning came without me being locked.  I was torn.  Physically I was very happy to be free.  I was able to wear anything I wanted and had a freedom I hadn't experienced in over a month.  Mentally I was confused.  While happy to be free, I was missing something.  I was missing the ache, the desire and the submissiveness I had been feeling.  Insecurity slipped in.  Was Mistress happy with me.  Was chastity too much of a pain for her?  My insecurity built and I decided to edge myself to try and get back the horny needy submissiveness I had been feeling for so long.  I was able to edge about 8 times in less than 5 minutes before I decided to work out.  I put on some slutty red satiny boxers I had and worked out.  I kept debating with myself back and forth of whether it was good for me to be unlocked or not.  I then felt guilty about edging and decided to keep myself busy the rest of the day.  I ran errands and did some chores around the house.  We had some people coming to work on the house so I moved my device from the dining room table to my nightstand.  At bedtime I wondered if I should wear a nighty as I still had insecurities about being a grown man with my particular kinks.  I decided to wear it so that Mistress would know I was committed to our recalibration.

Tuesday came and went without me being locked.  At work I wore pants I could never have worn with my current device.  I also wore some cute Victoria's Secret panties.  All day my mind ran with insecurities about kink, chastity, etc.  I know it's not rational, but it still happens.  Last night I wore a nighty again but for the most part I was felling pretty asexual all day.

Today I got an email from Mistress with instructions.  As I write this, my prostate massager is in my ass until 9:30 this morning.  I didn't want to have to wear it to work, which means I do have to wear it while I work out this morning.  That should give me some interesting sensations, especially doing lunges :-)  Additionally I had to remove and repaint my toenails and fingernails.  My toes are a shiny deep purple and my nails are a clear coat with a tint that matches my regular nail color pretty well.  Besides a tiny bit of shine it's not really visible, but I can certainly feel them so it is a bit of a mind fuck thinking others will notice.  Lastly I will have to wear something feminine under my clothes today.  I am undecided what it will be, but am leaning toward one of these since I am unlocked.  I plan on wearing them tonight for happy hour.

All of that being said I try not to have insecurities.  My male mind gets on the way and I start to have self doubts about being the way I am.  I worry about putting too much pressure on Mistress.  I know there is no changing it since I have been this way since I was a child.  I just have to remember I have someone that loves me for who I am and is kind enough to indulge more often than not.  My head is spinning right now with submissive thoughts and my prostate is throbbing...

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