Yesterday I was working out and about half way through I felt as though I hit a wall. I almost quit working out, but I pushed through it. I'm doing a workout program that requires me to push my muscles to complete failure and then do it again. It kind of sucks. It's hard to do, and when I am doing it I sometimes wish I weren't. There are times I just don't want to work out and dread it, but I do it. During one particular exercise, my muscles hurt, I was shaking to do one more repetition and when I was done I was relieved. Then it hit me, this is how I feel about some D/s things I fantasize about.
Lately I have been writing about having Mistress do more extreme things to me. Beating me until I cry. Humiliating me in many different ways. Forcing me to eat my own cum. Using electricity on me. Raping my mouth until I choke. Locking me in chastity when I clearly don't want it. Denying my orgasms. Making me wear constrictive clothes at night. Feminizing me more and more. Putting me in a cage. Putting me in difficult or painful bondage positions. Bruising me or otherwise marking my body. Even piss play. The list goes on and on and on (because I'm a little sick in the head :-)
I realized that my wanting to do more extreme things isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's like working out in a way. When I work out I "hurt myself" in order to lift heavier weights the next time. I push myself so that I look better. I fatigue myself to have better physical stamina. I break myself down to build me up. I do all of these things in order to be stronger and better than I was the day before. As much as I hate climbing a massive hill on my bike or doing dead-lifts, I love it when I have pushed myself harder than I thought I could go.
The same goes with my darker D/s fantasies. I certainly would hate being spanked until I literally cried. I would fight it, I would be pissed off while it was happening, when it was over I would be proud. I would wear bruises with the same pride as I do when I have road rash from pushing myself too far on my mountain bike. I would look back and say "I did that". I would know I could do more the next time.
Just like I sometimes make myself nauseous with how hard I work out, I get through it. I imagine some of the more disgusting things I ask Mistress to do to me would make me nauseous but I know I would get through it. I dream of her breaking me down mentally and physically to build me up, just like I do with my muscles.
Mistress is very, very good to me. She treats me well. She indulges me on many occasions. I'm writing this more to communicate that it's OK to hurt me and push my boundaries in ways that people wouldn't understand. As a pervy guy with D/s DNA, pushing me past my perceived boundaries is essentially just a workout for my soul. I'm glad I have been able to identify why I ask for things that would be difficult for me. It's been nagging me.