Blog post that I could relate to

I get lots of emails from Fetlife.  90% of them I delete.  Once in a great while I'll find a post that could have been written by me.  Below is that post.  I can identify with it by how often in my life I started to get exactly what I wanted and then I got scared and retreated.  This post just reminded me of how lucky I am to have a woman that has tolerated my occasional flakiness in this reals as well as a reminder to me to rember why I like what I like and how not to mess that up.  Here is the post.

'Lost opportunities. Alas. '

I've come oh-so-close to living in a relationship that involved true D/s, back in the day that is, but I never took that big step. More than once I had the chance, with some wonderful women who had all the qualities you could hope for in a potential partner.  She was serious about female dominance, feminization, bondage, discipline, humiliation as well as chastity.  She had intellect, passion, humor, and strength. A playful, creative spirit, sexuality unburdened and deliciously bent. Literate and wicked, with a voice that drips verbal humiliation like thick, golden honey. Ah, but I wax poetic.

Anyway, I always balked as soon as it became real, I panicked, and back-pedaled the relationships back to vanilla, or even male-dominant. I've played the dominant role most of my life, and comfortably; I'm naturally dominant in all aspects of life, and I've had long-term relationships with submissive women. Loved every minute.

But while being dominant was who I am, it wasn't what fueled my fantasies. I dreamed of Female Led Relationships filled with enforced chastity, role reversal, domestic servitude, feminization and strap-ons. Grass is always greener on the other side, I guess. So, every once in a while, between relationships (I never cheat), I'd try to flip the switch to submissive. Sometimes it was with my vanilla or submissive partner, if they took a real interest in what makes me tick, and showed a capacity to take the reins. Sometimes it didn't work, and the relationship failed. But what was even worse, sometimes they took to dominance like a duck to water. THAT was what scared me! The closer they got to making my deep fantasies come true, the more I'd try to wriggle away.

One girlfriend, brilliant and beautiful, seized her power and took steps to put me in chastity. It starts as pillow talk, but when it moves to conversations outside the bedroom, you know she's seriously thinking about it. We were just moving in together, and one night over dinner, she informed me that I was about to be placed in chastity. With an evil grin and a dispassionate tone, she outlined her intent to wean me off her pussy and transition me to a life of strictly regimented chastity and denial. Gulp! 
She walked me over to the computer and made me watch as she ordered the chastity device. "Um..." I stammered, as her finger hovered gracefully over the mouse before the final click.

"Too late now," she teased, "I ordered it, so you are certainly going to wear it." Then she dismissed me to do the dishes and clean up, chores appropriate for one of my diminishing status.

Long story short, it came, she came, and I didn't get to come.

It was so hot, so exciting, and so wrong that it was so right. But rather than go with it, I resisted, Lord knows why, it was my fantasy, after all. But I couldn't let go of my pride and my dominant side long enough to just have some fun, and my resistance sent her mixed signals. She wondered if she was doing something wrong, started doubting her dominance, and we just took things back to more familiar ground.

I always wonder what if. Ah, well. One thing is certain, I've learned my lesson. To quote a friend, "Had to learn the hard way, to let her pass by." Next time, if there is such a thing, I'm in. You can bet on it. It's a lock.