Mean thoughts

I don't know why it is, but I can't get the concept of wanting my Mistress to be meaner to me out of my mind.  Yesterday morning, I was imagining her using those crusty cum filled panties as a gag.  I imagined her locking me in chastity for more than a few days without releasing me for any reason.  I imagined her beating me until I safe-worded.  I imagined her humiliating me online or in front of a friend of hers.  I imagined being forced to wear a bra and pantyhose or the straight jacket to bed.  I imagined her shocking me with the Tazapper and the shocking dog collar.  I imagined having to tie myself to the bed with a blindfold and headphones before she comes home from work knowing I am going to suffer.  I imagined having to be dressed in women's clothes every day when she comes home from work.  I imagined her giving me chores that must be completed without fail, or else.  I imagined her doing things that would push my buttons and test my resolve to do as I am told.  I imagined she wanted to fuck with my mind...

Being Forced

Last night when Miss Bossy and I were getting ready for bed, she told me she had intended for me to sleep in a nighty.  She knows I hadn't slept well, and she told me she wasn't going to make me wear one.  I don't recall saying anything back to her.  What I was saying to myself was this... "Should I tell her I want to wear one regardless of how well I have slept? Will she think I am being a pushy bottom if I ask her to do with me as SHE wishes?".  I chickened out and didn't say anything, plus I was somewhat relieved that I didn't have to wear one.  At the same time I wish she would have made me wear one.  The logical side of my brains would have wished she didn't, but the libido part of my brain would be doing back flips with excitement.  There would have been a small battle in my brain, but the libido wins 80% of the time.  I would have slept and been in constant knowledge of my place in our relationship.  I would have woken up with naughtier than usual thoughts in my mind.  I would have gotten out of bed slightly emasculated and humiliated in front of her.  That may sound bad, it it drills right through all of my mach bullshit straight to my heart.  While I hate not being able to sleep, there is so hot to have that reason be my Mistress.

That reminds me of a couple quotes I have seen over the years. "it's not submission if it's what the sub wants", or "it's not bondage until you want out".

There is something amazingly hot about doing something you don't want to do.  For example, Mistress and I will be apart this weekend.  She has instructed me to cum in a pair of panties tomorrow morning.  Now I have been doing teasing and denial for so long now, I actually dislike cumming on my own.  I love to be under her control when I cum and to not have a choice in the matter.  So tomorrow morning I will have to cum.  I will so not want to do it,  I will be cumming into a pair of panties, full well knowing those panties will be used in some future scene.  Is it something I want to do, no.  Does it make my head spin with desire knowing she is making me do something I don't want to, YES!  Do I want her to keep forcing me to do things I don't want to do?  YES!  Do I want her to push my boundaries, keep me on my toes, humiliate and hurt me, and not care what I think until after a few days after she has done it?  YES!

I have added a ton of pictures to my Tumblr account.  Apparently I am in quite the mood today.

Today I edged watching this video.  It's of a couple where the woman keeps hitting her man in the balls.  My Mistress loves this and I hate/like it.  I could totally see my Mistress doing this to me, but I have no clue how this guy takes it unrestrained and not gagged.

http://firesque.tumblr.com/post/39466982773/taoist4tease-color-amateur-cbt-12-minute-video

Nipple Torture

Almost 3 years ago I got my nipples pierced.  My plan was to be able to use the piercings for D/s games such as weights, feminine nipple jewelry, predicament bondage, etc.

The problem is my nipples never really healed.  They got overly sensitive to where any mild stimulation was overly painful.  In addition one of my piercings began to migrate, so about 6 weeks ago I removed them.  I used to have "innie" nipples, and the piercing has no made them "outties" which I prefer.

That brings me to this mornings edge.  I edged thinking about Mistress torturing my nipples.  I thought of being tied up and having her start with nipple suction to get the nipples engorged with blood.

After they were nicely filled with blood, Mistress would take one clover clamp and put it on one nipple.  She would then move it every 5 minutes to the other nipple to keep the pain going back and forth.  Worse than the clamp going on, is it coming off.  Far worse.  She would do this until I safe worded (or longer).

I can also imagine this device, with the screw being turned every few minutes to increase the tension or nipple being tied to the ceiling winch forcing my on my tip toes.

I also imagine being put in a very difficult predicament bondage position.  I treid to find me with the nipples in predicament but couldn't.  I imagine nipple clamps being tied to my ankle straps and just left to be.  The tension would be killer.

I can also see her using the wartenburg wheel on my nipples and also something like an emery board or sand paper.  I have read about Icy Hot being good for nipple torture (not to mention other body parts). 

I can imagine doing this so long my nipples would be chapped and they would be sore for a few days.  The device below is devious  It's got either sand paper or little spikes in it.  Used alone or after nipple torture it would be a constant reminder.

Lastly I imagine having to torture my own nipples while Mistress is out of town. She would warn me that there better be some sort of marks to prove I was sufficiently mean to myself or there would be hell to pay...

What an edge I had!

Dress Up

Last week MBB told me to wear something sexy on Thursday.  I chose a brown sweater dress and some panties.  I was out of my outfit by the time she got home which while a relief is also a let down.  To be dressed a certain way in front of her is certainly a form of erotic humiliation.  When MBB said for me to "wear something sexy" I debated on feminine sexy or masculine sexy.  I have a men's latex shirt and shorts that are sexy, but not what I thought she had in mind.  I chose feminine, and classy versus slutty.

Thinking about that is what I edged to this morning.  Thinking about not getting to choose what I am wearing is a mind fuck.  Especially now that all of our cameras are hooked back up to the internet, MBB can see me at my desk all day.  Of course my dirty mind had me take it to the next level  I imagined MBB telling me to pack every piece of male clothing I owned and put it in a locked suitcase or even a storage unit.  She would tell me my clothes would be returned to me one week later.  I could wear whatever I wanted or nothing at all for that matter.  What she didn't tell me that was anything I owned which was not overtly feminine had also been removed from the house.  All of that thinking got me to the edge very quickly several times that I never got beyond it and had to stop edging before I could elaborate on it.  My pic to go with this post is a crossdresser outfit I could imagine having to wear while I work at home.

Erotic Humilation

Let me start by thanking MBB for making me wear a nighty to bed last night.  There is no way to sleep in a nighty and not think about kinky things.  Every time I moved positions I had to adjust the nighty and that would remind me of my place and my mindset.  The nighty is what made today's edging fantasy very easy to come up with.  Erotic Humiliation, here are things that while mild to very humiliating, I find very hot.

Panties
Wearing a bra any time but particularly in public
Wearing pantyhose
Wearing lip gloss or tinted lip balm in public
Clear mascara
Clear nail polish
Colored nail polish , I can actually feel it on my nails, but seeing it is extra humiliating
Fake nails - typing all day would be a mind fuck
Collar

Masturbating in front of MBB
Wearing anything feminine in front of MBB
Feminine jewelry - toe ring, anklet, piercing items

 

Wearing Pantyhose with shorts in the summer.  Being made to get out of the car (ATM, Gas)
MBB taking Sophia for a drive
Going on a trip together and finding only toys and femme clothes in my luggage
Anything to do with my cum, especially more humiliating after orgasm
Fucking myself in the ass with a toy in front of MBB
Femme fake tattoo on lower back - have temp tramp stamp in nightstand drawer
Temp Tattoo anything, anywhere

Using Sharpie Pen to write on my body - lot's of ideas come to mind here

Femme deodorant, perfume, etc.
Being outed
Dog cage

Sucking strap on
Shocking dog collar - because I am such a wimp when it's on me
Bikini sun bathing
Sleep in bondage
Webcam exhibitionism











Milking myself with anal toy
Shopping for embarrassing items
Standing in corner
Made to watch MBB masturbate while in chastity
Hogtied inches away from MBB pussy and can only watch
Fucked in the ass while in chastity

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erotic_humiliation

Wow.  It's amazing what a little edging does to me.

Tuesday Feb 28th

Here are some reflections on the last week.

Not being able to say no.  There is something very freeing about not having choices.  It removes any internal conflict about whether I want to do something or not.  Also adding the mindset that if in doubt do the thing that leans toward the submissive option takes away the ability to manipulate an unclear decision.  It does feel a little topping from the bottom, but I guess that's better than not bottoming at all and acting like a top.

Chastity.  I hate it, but when it's active denial like it is right now, it's pretty hot.  Also knowing I don't have a choice, and I have agreed not to pout makes it easier to succumb to it.  Although I truly believe I can be chaste without a device, chastity certainly takes away any temptation especially with how worked up I am with my new masturbation schedule.  My new chastity underwear also make it much more comfy than panties with no room for a cock let alone a large device.  Thank you for getting me them.

Punishment.  We have been through a few things in the last month or so that have created tension and uncertainty.  I think we have done a good job of talking things through and working things out, but sometimes it feels unfinished.  There is a certain catharsis that happens when I have to endure something (it doesn't have to be pain per se, but anything that punishes me), especially when it's due to me messing something up or not taking your feelings into consideration.  I feel like it hits the reset button and restores a hierarchy in our relationship.  If you don't feel the same way, I get that too and don't want you to take that as me being pushy.

Masturbation schedule.  I kind of thought it was a little silly, but I see the wisdom in it.  It's very effective at keeping me in a mood and not feeling neglected especially with me in chastity.  All of the benefits of teasing and denial without it taking any effort on your part.  Genius.  So far only one spill (no orgasm) so I am learning to not go too far.  

Overall.  We are one week into this and so far I can see it working long term.  It's a bumpy start, but as we get used to it, I think it will become easier.  I hope you are seeing the benefits as well.  


  

Friday Feb 24th

This morning marked the first day of my masturbation schedule.  I have to admit, I was so worked up over the last several days that I was ready to cum after about 2 minutes.  At the 14 minute mark I got close to the edge, and stopped.  About 10 seconds after I stopped a large amount of cum boiled out of the top of my cock.  I didn't have an orgasm, but I sure did cum a lot.  Once the oozing stopped I continued to stroke for 6 additional minutes, and then locked myself back up.  In my mind, I think I can stop myself sooner than when Mistress is doing it.  When Mistress edges me, I have her stop a stroke or two sooner than I would myself as I think she won't stop in time.  Next time I do this I won't bring myself to the edge.  Instead of trying for edges that are 8-9 on a scale of 1-10, I will try for 6,7 and the occasional 8.  I think that will more than keep me more than  aroused, but without the risk of releasing any cum.

Today was also the first day of preparing my Mistress' food.  I like serving her in ways she asks me to.

Today MBB asked me to do her a favor. She asked me to vacuum.  While it was a request from my girlfriend and not an order from my Mistress, it's still hot to be of service to her.  

Before my morning testosterone wears off

What a week.  I have been so horny lately.  Tuesday was off the charts yesterday was a little bit less but this morning is coming back with a vengance.  I figured I would write all the stuff going through my head with the caveat that some of this stuff sounds great now, but I will later regret writing.

Last night I had a dream that I was going out to see customers.  I was wearing femme clothes under my work clothes including black opaque pantyhose.  I even had some low heels that my pants covered enough.  Just before I left the house I thought "this looks stupid like this" so I took off the masculine clothes and changed into a dress.  It was an 80's style dress that had flowers on it.  I didn't think twice about it until people were looking at me while pretending not to look at me.  Then I was a little weirded out, but not as much as I should have been.  When I woke up from that dream I realized I had another one where I was different super sexy cocktail dresses out and about, but that's about all I remember.

I have also been thinking about the "remote punishments" I had read in that posting.  It's a good thing I'm not a Dom as I would be pretty mean, especially in person. 

Before bed one night you after a few beers you take me upstairs.  You tell me I am to be chained to the bed for the night.  I mention that I will have to get up and go pee in the middle of the night and you tell me not to worry.  You pull out an adult diaper and tell me to put it on and get in the bed.  You chain me up and then sleep on the couch.  You make sure to sleep in late enough to make sure I have humiliated myself.  (I only read a line or two of this article so I am not sure what's in it http://drfetish.wordpress.com/2009/01/12/effective-diaper-domination/ )

 You lock me in the cage, but you put my earphones in first and then lace my leather hood on me.  Then after locking me in the cage you put an ipod with audio in it.  The audio is feminization hypnosis type audio or bi-sexual audio or other audio that will either turn me on or push against my boundaries. http://www.strappedinsilk.com/downloads2.html

I have thought about you making me go on yahoo into a chat room wearing clothes or a gag or the shackles and go on cam.  If anyone asks me what I am doing you make me type a humiliating response or even have them IM you to see what the deal is.  Maybe you tell them I am ordered to do whatever a stranger tells me, and you get to watch it all on cam. 

For a really good punishment (when i don't have Martini) you have me go in the cage as soon as I am down with work.  I have food that I can reach, but I am locked until you give me the password. (I did order locks online they should be here tomorrow).

I feel my libido coming down a bit so I am going to send this before I change my mind.

It's been a while

Its been awhile since I last posted, but not because I haven't wanted to.  To the contrary, I have had lots of things going through my mind.  I have been thinking a lot about what I had with MBB prior to me flipping out.  It was the type of female led relationship with very strong D/s overtones that I had dreamed of.  Of course it wasn't 100% perfect, because no submissive male should get 100% of what he wants.  He should always be yearning.  So while I am happy I have been unable to unravel some of the things I had a hard time with mentally (chastity) I do miss a lot of the feelings of being "owned" that I had.  The term "be careful what you wish for" can go both ways.  You should be careful when you ask for too much, but also be careful when you ask for less.  You may just get it.

We have thunder in the mountains coming up soon.  It will be our first time together in the scene.  I am a little nervous, but very much looking forward to it.  I went to the site and was checking out the vendors.  One of them had a great deal on a "body bag".  I google body bag and found these sites. 
http://fox-bound.blogspot.com/2011/05/leather-bodybag.html?zx=aa32173dbb095077  http://mistressadira.net/2010/12/06/sleepsack-sessions-for-my-collared-slaves/ 
What an amazingly strict position to be in. 

I have also been thinking of MBB having me cum on Friday night.  Her thought being that by letting me cum, I wouldn't be too horny when we were apart Saturday night and that I would be a better behaved boy (at least that's my take on her intentions).  In reality, the more she controls my orgasms, the more I am in tune to her and our dynamic.  The more horny I am, the more I am into serving, obeying and doing whatever I can to keep the horniness going.  That horniness is what got me so hot and bothered that I bought so many feminine things last week.

Lastly, I have been thinking of all the more intense things we have done or that we have talked about.  Super restrictive bondage, painful positions, gags, cages or isolation, breath play, publishing photos, chastity (yeah I know), collars, electric shock (all sorts), feminization, not allowed to say "no", etc.  Just a jumble of dark fantasies.

I am happy to finally have it in my mind that I have everything I want with MBB.  I really think MBB and I can move on from my "ick" and we can have a deeper more meaningful relationship as well as a more D/s relationship.  I am very excited.

 

Thank you!

MBB, I wanted to thank you for giving us another chance.  I know it wasn't an easy decision. I also wanted to thank you for today's. It was busy but was able to work things in (my ass especially).

I have been having random naughty thoughts, nothing too dramatic, but wanted you to know.  I do like it when you use my cock and then have me roll off you and go to bed.  I feel nicely used.  I hate to say it but I also liked you slutting me up today.  It's curious how you haven't wanted me slutty, but you did today.  I like being slutty, but you have also taught me that classy is fun too.  Now I have to keep an eye out for slutty so I can be slutty when you want me to.

I love you and am happy I have had a realignment of my chakra!!!

Changes

MBB posted yesterday that she is unsure about the dynamic going from 24/7 to something less than that.  There were certain things she had me doing on a daily basis.  Generally I had no real issue doing some of those things. I guess we still need to refine the details of what she has control over me on.  Here is her list of concerns and I will address each one.

• panties - if it pleases MBB I will wear nothing but panties.  I would even agree to a severe punishment if she catches me without them on.   At the same time I only want to wear them because it does something for her. 
• nighties - I will agree to wear nighties, but would prefer to be told to.  Just doing it without input isn't fulfilling.   
• the plug - Whenever MBB orders I will wear it for as long as says.
• the bikini bottoms while sunning?  Have been doing and will continue to do. 
• mobile me tracking - still debating.  Either trust me or don't. 
• the web cam - would consider so MBB can ensure I have followed an order.  Not just leaving it on.
• permission to go out - This is one that I don't want to change for now.
• the daily email of schedule?  I don't see a purpose to it, however I would consider doing it without a deadline.  if MBB wants to know what I am up to for the day, she can always ask and I will tell her.

There is also a lot of things MBB can do to get more of her needs met.  I have already agreed to her assigning me tasks at her whim.  She can also coerce me and get me to agree to do things while she has me tied up and vulnerable. 

After writing all of this I guess it came down to a few things that I didn't want to do any longer and it came out as I don't want 24/7.  I am thinking some 24/7 type dynamic is OK, but not sure how it would look.  Here are the things that weren't working for me.

1.  Chastity being "forced" upon me.  I could see a case for MBB telling me it would please her for me to be locked up for a certain amount of time.  I could than decide to please her or not.  But as far as a punishment, chastity is too demanding of my energy.  Especially when I am mad or upset.
2.  Blogging for the sake of blogging.  I will blog when I want and feel the need to blog.  I like blogging and communicating.  Having an arbitrary time to blog by along with having to blog when there is absolutely nothing to blog about was frustrating.  I should have communicated this, but didn't want to be pushy.  It built up and backfired on me.
3.  Asking for permission to go out.  That's too much like married life.  Looking back it was a silly idea of mine.  It's hot in fantasy, but not in real life even though I was always told 'ok".
4.  Tracking and web cam.  Most of the time I am ok with it, but sometimes I just want to know I am not being watched.  It's a little unnerving to think you can be watched at any time. 

So this post went one way then the other.  I guess I am ok with most things.  MBB and I need to work out some things.  I would prefer to be a little less 24/7 than we were, but a  little more than where my freak out took us.  I am a slave to D/s as MBB reminded me. 
 

Finally getting my libido back

After a few weeks of me not really caring about sexual things it's back.  Even though I cam just 2 nights ago I am very horny.  MBB asked me to wear a plug today.  To up the ante a little bit, I am wearing it with the harness that it came with.  The harness is lockable and from what I can tell, escape proof (without cutting the straps).  It also doesn't flex out as much as the plug by itself which means I am fuller than normal with it on.

Last night during my edging exercise I fantasized about being tied with my ass in the air.  MBB would then put a fucking machine behind me, lube up a dildo and turn it on.  I imagined her masturbating so I could see her all while taunting me about how she was going to have the machine fuck my ass until it started bleeding or I was crying.  She also added that she would keep it very well lubed so that tears should come before blood. 

Lastly, we negotiated changes to our 24/7 relationship.  It's no longer 24/7 as when we are apart it just wasn't working.  We haven't spoken about it but I still feel she should have control over me when we are together with the few exceptions that we already talked about.  I think she should feel comfortable ordering me to do things and wear things if I expect to be in her presence.

Funny how time changes things....
   

A day to reflect.

It’s pretty interesting how this week I didn’t go out Monday or Wednesday when we had our alone time.  Being locked up and by myself used to be very difficult for me, but it’s much easier now.  Knowing that I can have some time out when we are together makes chastity the rest of the time bearable.  Working out and peeing is still a pain in the ass, but I will adapt.

I really enjoy the communication we have.  It’s super fun to trade dirty texts and emails all day and know you are doing it because you want to, not because you feel you have too.  I really enjoyed waking up to a naughty task.  I also enjoyed you telling me I could get out of my plug, but the next time I have to go longer.  It will be a challenge, but I look forward to meeting as many of your challenges as I can.

The feminization is still scary for me.  I know I will be fine, but knowing I will be in pantyhose and a bra and bringing heels over gives me nervous butterflies.  Your texts earlier really will be a mind fuck if you end up doing it.  The texts read “I want to tie you up when you are all made up (hair/makeup/etc)....tease you (kind of like the story you sent me...to treat you like I would a girlfriend) and use the double dildo. “ and “I want you to dress up and make me dinner one night... “

I am very nervously looking forward to you pushing my buttons.  Pain, Humiliation and Frustration.  What a ride I am having and I hope you are having it too.  I also hoping you are starting to feel some ownership of me.

I am very in love with you my Goddess.

Following Orders

MBB,

I was wondering when the task of creating a journal/diary was going to happen.  It seems to be a  requirement for people embarking on a  24/7 relationship from all of the advice I see online.  Good Job.

I wanted to thank you for asking for clarification on my recent submissive checklist. Obviously some of those questions were hard for me to answer, but ultimately needed to come out.  Some of the things I have done are embarrassing or humiliating.  However, sometimes I think those darker or more difficult scenes also have a bigger, deeper impact.  Much more of a mind fuck in some cases.

Chastity.  Although I hate the device, I love the firmness you are showing with it.  In the past I would have been much more passive aggressive about it or tried to "forget" to wear it, or generally make it difficult to put me in chastity.  I believe that you are instilling a healthy fear in me so that I know me trying to manipulate you will not work and will actually cause me pain or other difficult situations.  Don't get me wrong, I don't like chastity and hope to earn my release in the near future, but I do believe the symbolism of it is important at this stage of our relationship.

s