Thoughts on punishment and deeper control

Along with the holidays, we have had family over as well as a lot of "life" stuff going on.  I haven't been dressed feminine as much nor have I been in chastity.  Even though life has prevented me from being dressed as much as usual, I still have had a few opportunities to be dressed.  The nice thing is when I am out of chastity my wardrobe options expand greatly.  I can wear pants and panties that are too tight when I am locked up.  The bad thing is I am not thinking about my cock 24/7, but but my has had a chance to recover from the device.

One of the side effects of me not being able to dress as much is that I have cheated a bit.  Out of sight out of mind I guess.  There was one afternoon that turned into night that I didn't change when I got home.  As well as last night we were out and about and I was wearing nothing feminine under my clothes.  Mistress has been great about calling me out on this.  In my mind I can generate reasons why I should be exempt, but they are BS reasons.  I have agreed to certain rules and I haven't followed through.  In reality I want to be called out and dealt with appropriately.  Without a doubt I would be an absolute hard ass about the rules if the tables were turned and I was the dominant one.

Last week I was reading one of the blogs that I reference occasionally on this blog.  As I try to understand my mindset, what makes me tick, and how to convert this to a successful D/s relationship I look to other sources.  Sometimes I read something and it's interesting.  But when I find myself thinking about it several times for days, I realize it's something more.  The below quote is one of those things.  

So: A true submissive needs to feel they are helplessly under the control of a sadistic dominant. That they have zero power or influence. That is achieved by two things.

(A) Punishments for infractions have to be truly feared by the sub. This is achieved by not stopping the punishment until the sub is and has been truly begging with all their heart for a few minutes for the punishment to stop. My lifestyle did not click into place until I started doing this 6 or 7 years ago. It is easy to judge when the begging has reached the truly heartfelt, and then you keep going for a while. You will not break or damage him. During the punishment, he will be begging and attempting to have you stop. After it, he will be in awe of you and want to worship you. Bind him so he cannot move, gag him and then apply the punishment. It may only need to be six HARD cane strokes, if he is begging with all his heart after the first. If he has marks on his butt for the rest of the day, he will love that. If the marks last 3 days, he will love it even more.

(B) The true submissive has to undergo things they really do not like. By this, it is reinforced that they have zero power or influence, that they are helplessly under the control of a sadistic dominant.  

A follow up quote to a commenter...

If you love your submissive and you wish to be kind to your submissive and have him sleep the most sound and contented sleep they can ever know, then the saying -‘you have to be cruel to be kind’, is the mantra by which you must live.  The deeply submissive male is a paradox. They need to feel helplessly controlled by another person...  So real love and kindness for a true submissive does not mean going easy on them in any way, or being fair with them – that causes discontent and unhappiness and is not being kind.

Here is a question by a reader and an answer by a random woman (not the author of the blog).

Question:

J.W. says:  I love my Wife with all my heart. However, most of the time I am more of the Alpha. Like all of us, she has her tribulations, and I have to be there to help her. That is what life is about IMHO. On the other hand. At the same time, I so crave to be dominated. And yet I wonder if I’m truly a submissive, because I find that I only like to be dominated during sexual activity.

Reply:

Mila W. says:  J.W., perhaps I can shed some light on your predicament as I went through a similar stage with my husband. He always claimed to want to be submissive, to be punished and submit to my will. Yet I soon learned that he only wanted to be punished on his own terms and only for his own sexual gratification. After he would orgasm, he would revert to his former self. He would disobey a rule and claim to be willing to accept whatever punishment I had in mind. My preferred methods are caning and public humiliation. Early in our relationship, I would tie him down and begin caning. After the first stroke or two, he wanted no part of it, demanding to be released and telling me he had “changed his mind” about his submissiveness. He would go so far as to threaten to leave me as he stated I couldn’t love him if I could hurt him like that. I would always stop and the cycle would repeat itself, over and over. 

I’m not naturally dominant – or at least I thought I wasn’t – and I became frustrated, overwhelmed even, as I didn’t know what to do to break the cycle. And then I found Mistress Scarlet and this blog and it was as if the seas parted. I finally understood that no man whether “truly submissive” or not could be broken or controlled unless pushed beyond his limits. As Mistress Scarlet continuously reinforces on these pages, punishment cannot be fun. If I only played at punishment as he preferred, I was only reinforcing his belief system and perpetuating the cycle. I will never forget the first time I pushed through his limits as well as my own. 3 strokes became 5, which became 10 and then 50. He screamed and swore and threatened and cried. After the caning, I asked him if he understood that things had changed and that I would no longer be bullied and that I would be firmly in control. He agreed as I had hoped but had been dreadfully afraid he wouldn’t. I told him to lay there and really think about it. 

Several hours later I asked if he would accept his new role and any punishment I might decide on. Again, he agreed and asked if he could be untied. No, I told him and warned him not to ask again. I went to bed and in the morning asked if he was ready to begin his new life. He started crying and told me that he had been waiting for this since we first met and, yes, he was ready. Good, I told him and took out the cane once again. I gave him 50 more lashes and this time there were no words, no threats – only tears. 

That was just over a year ago and I have implemented more of Mistress Scarlet's philosophies into our relationship which is now better than ever. He no longer asks to be submissive and to be punished. He just is. Thank you, Mistress Scarlet.

None of the above is meant to be pushy.  In fact the level they are talking about scares the crap out of me.  At the same time, it speaks to me.   I believe that is where so much of my internal conflict comes from.  Wanting harsher treatment but pushing back when I get it.  Until now, I've never understood or have been able to put these thoughts into words.  Finding another's words makes it easy to explain what goes on in my mind.  We shall see where this heads.  

Source: https://msscarletuk.wordpress.com/advice/

Thursday night date night

Mistress and I had our date night on Thursday night.  While Mistress was getting ready, I prepared the bed.  I pulled out the straps we keep hidden under the mattress and placed some towels on the bed.  I pulled out the toys we use the most and put them on the dresser next to the bed.  Mistress let me out of chastity before I showered and so that I could clean myself well and stay clean until later.  I put on one squirt of my new perfume, and some fishnet suspender hose before getting dressed in my male clothes.

We went to a happy hour and had a few appetizers and cocktails.  On our way home Mistress told me what I was to do when we got home.  I was to light the candles we have in the room and put on some music.  Then I had to put restraints on my wrists and ankles and strip down so that I was only wearing the fishnet hose. I was to put 3 large rubber bands around each thigh, blindfold myself and then tie down my three limbs.

Once I was secured to the bed Mistress entered the room.  The started by going around the bed and tightening the 3 limbs that were already secured.  Then she went to my free arm, clicked a clip onto the restraint and tightened that limb down.  I was held down tightly and my cock was rising just from the bondage.  Mistress then left the room to change clothes or remove clothes, I don't know since I couldn't see.  The rest of what happened is kind of a blur so I don't necessarily remember the order of events.

Essentially Mistress alternated putting generous amounts of lube on my cock before stroking me to an edge.  She would hit my inner thighs with several implements from a rubber stick the width of my finger to a flexible metal rod that you snap against the skin.  It's so thin and light that it hurts like hell and leaves a heck of a mark.  Mistress would also use these implements on my balls.  Mistress put clothespins on my nipples for a good 15 minutes and when she took them off she rrubed the blood back into them causing a rush of pain.  By far the worse thing Mistress did was snap those rubber bands against my inner thighs.  It's crazy to think 20 cents of rubber bands are the implement I fear the most.

At one point I asked Mistress to please put a clothespin back on my nipple(s).  That set her off.  After that I got about 3 minutes of constant smacking with what I believe to be a riding crop.  She smacked my cock, balls and inner thighs non-stop while scolding me for being a pushy bottom.  She told me that my blog posts have been too pushy, and that she was not here to fill my wish list, and that I needed to focus less on things I want her to do to me.  After that, Mistress took a pair of panties that old cum stains in them.  She poured some water into them and shoved them into my mouth so she didn't have to hear about what I wanted any longer.  I could have easily pushed the panties out of my mouth, but after what I just endured I chose to leave them in.  

So Mistress did an amazing job of stroking my cock and right as I got to the edge and told her I was about to cum, she would snap a rubber band or hit me in the balls or smack me with something else.  It was back and forth, and I would go from amazing pleasure to excruciating pain.  I wanted the pain to stop, but the pleasure was so good that I more than willing to endure the pain to keep the teasing going.

After about 45 minutes, Mistress decided it was her turn, so she unclipped my limbs so I could fuck her.  She had me rinse out my mouth and come back to bed.  When I got back to the bed I tried to go down on her, but she refused me that pleasure.  I easily put my cock in Mistress but before I could give her an orgasm I had to stop so I wouldn't cum without permission.  Mistress' expert teasing session had me perilously close to cumming.  Mistress had me pull out so I could use my fingers to make her cum which she did quite easily once my finger rubbed across her G-spot.  As soon as she would cum she would have me put my cock inside her.

As we did this, we talked.  I told Mistress that I was surprised how much I am liking being dressed up around her.  I confessed that I was enjoying it much more than I thought I would.  I told her that for the first time in my life I could see myself doing this long term.  She told me that she really likes me dressed and that she is planning on pushing me much further.  She really likes how submissive I have become.  When I am dressed up, I am less snarky, I have less male ego and machismo.  I am more open to obeying.  I don't really remember all the details but what I walked away with was that now that we are down this path, there is no turning back.  I will continue to be more and more feminized.  I will be more and more controlled.  Chastity is likely to be full time.  Not because she doesn't trust me, but because of the control it gives her and takes away from me.

As we talked, Mistress continued to have me alternate between fucking her with my cock and making me cum with her fingers.  She asked me if I wanted to cum, and I assured her I didn't.  She told me that if I did, I would be locked up in chastity first thing in the morning.  I asked what if I didn't cum and she said, "same thing", so I was in a lose/lose situation.  Mistress did assure me that she liked me to orgasm enough so that I remember how good it feels.  I entered Mistress again and she talked about how she was going to cum all over my cock.  I asked for permission to cum and she gave it to me.  I quickly filled her with my cum while I gave her another orgasm.  I mumbled about how she just won, making me so desperate that I couldn't stop myself.  Even though I just came, my cock was still rock hard (thanks pharmaceutical industry!) so I continued to fuck Mistress.  I had no fear of prgasming again.  Mistress kept cumming and I kept pushing my cock inside of her.  After a few minutes I couldn't go anymore.  Mistress let me catch my breath before she told to do me what I hoped she wouldn't .  She told me to lick my cum out of her pussy.  As I put my face between her legs to eat my own cum, I felt so owned.  I would do anything to be treated this was.  My shame and disgust were quickly overcum by feelings of arousal and submissiveness.  After I gave Mistress one more orgasm, she said she was done with me.  I cleaned up the toys and the bedroom so we could finish our evening relaxing.

Yesterday I spent the day replaying Thursday nights events in my head.  While our scene was intense and exciting, it was the communication that I was most excited about.  The fact that Mistress isn't only indulging my feminization, but that she is going to push me deeper and deeper.  To think that something I used to do a few times a year in a sexual context will now be a near full time part of my life, scares and excites me.  Seeing Mistress become more and more confident about controlling me, hurting me and punishing me is a dream come true.  I have spent almost 30 years of my adult life chasing this need of being controlled.  I have had brushes with it in the past, but this is the most hopeful I have ever been.  I think we will succeed this time because I have gotten out of my own head.  I am devoted to Mistress and the process of her owning me.  I will do my best to not pull back when things get intense and I believe Mistress will push me forward if I do try to pull back.  Things are looking great.

Here is the aftermath of my beating.  The bright red lines are from the rubber bands and the bruising from the large rubber stick.  I love wearing the marks she gives me!!!

      

Waking Up Horny

I don't know if this is the same for other men or other submissive men, but when I wake up in the morning, I am at my peak horniess.  Studies show testosterone peaks in the morning which is what I believe causes me to be so worked up.  It's one of the reasons I like to write in the morning.  If I waited until late afternoon or evening, my posts would be much less explicit.

To add to my already aroused state Mistress said something that made my libido increase even more.  Tonight we have a planned date night.  She told me that before we leave on our date that I need to get the bedroom ready for a D/s session so that when we get home, everything is ready for her to have her way with me.  Needless to say I was instantly aroused.  Every time I woke up during the night my mind tried to guess what would happen to me.  I am very much looking forward to whatever she has planned.  Just thinking about it makes my cock struggle against my cock cage.  It's all I can to not write about all the thoughts running through my brain.

As I was falling asleep, I was planning my outfit for today.  I had planned on a casual skirt and an easy to wear blouse with flat boots.  Instead, I find myself in a red cocktail dress and black platform pumps.  My increased libido isn't letting me be casual, instead it's making me be more suggestive, to flaunt myself and to make my legs feel sexy even if my feet hurt a bit.  I feel so worked up and by having to dress feminine every day, my acceptance of it is increasing.

Lastly Mistress and I went perfume shopping yesterday.  Mistress tested several brands but kept going back to one she liked.  I was mortified shopping with her, thinking everyone in the store knew it was for me.  It's insane that I would think that, but that's what my brain does when I do things in public.  The concept of public play excites me, but it also terrifies me.  She picked out an expensive name brand perfume.  She sprayed one squirt on my neck yesterday after we left the store.  The scent stayed with me all night until bedtime.  First thing this morning I put on another squirt before getting dressed.  Mistress and I agreed that I need to wear this for the next 4-5 days if not indefinitely.  As I sit here writing this post, I can smell the perfume.  I believe that very soon this scent will trigger a sexual response whenever I smell it as it will be tied to me dressing feminine and/or tied to D/s experiences.  I imagine this scent in all of the drawers where my feminine clothes are kept, my closet as well the sheets on my side of the bed, so I can't escape it.  I imagine forgetting to wear it one day and being punished for it.  I am now one step deeper into my feminization and many steps further than I ever thought I would go.        

Keeping me on edge

Yesterday was a long day in the home office.  I had to print a lot of items that required constant back and forth between my computer and my printer.  In the outfit I chose to wear, I felt very aware of my situation.  Very high heels and the sound they make on the hardwood floors.  My skirt riding up and me having to pull it down to stay proper.  The new bra forcing me to improve my posture all day to avoid discomfort.  As I went back and forth I imagined a woman in an office dressed similar to how I was dressed and that would be the day her boss asked her to work on a special project.  He saved the project for a day she was dressed in a way so he could watch her movements for hours.  Mistress did a great job of commenting on my outfit a few times.  Every time she did, her comments went straight to my brain and my locked up cock.  I sure do love/hate the verbal taunting.  By 5pm I was ready to get undressed.  I have a new appreciation for women that get home from work and the first thing they want to do is get out of their heels and bra.

Just before bed, Mistress and I had sex.  Mistress did an amazing job of using me for her pleasure and she made sure she came many times.  Now my stamina is getting better, but I don't think that mattered last night.  Mistress can usually cum within me putting my cock inside her within 30-90 seconds.  I now have my stamina back up to the point where I can go non-stop that long, but she wasn't cumming from it.  I could tell that when she would get close, but couldn't go over the edge that she would make me stop and use my fingers on her g-spot.  She came 3-4 times from this approach.

While we were having sex Mistress kept asking me if I wanted to cum.  The truth is I wanted to cum very badly.  Having 2 orgasms last week has me remembering how awesome they feel.  The conversation went something like this.  "Do you want to cum?" Mistress asked.  "Yes and no" I replied.  "Do you want to cum?" she repeated.  "Do I have to eat it if I do?" I asked.  "That's beside the point, do you want to cum?"  I assured her that I did want to cum, but I didn't want to eat it.  I added that I also didn't want to lose this horniness that I have built up, but in reality I was ok if I did.  An orgasm would have felt so good.  The truth is I wanted to cum if she wanted me to and if she didn't want me to I didn't want to cum.  I only wanted to make sure she was pleased.

Mistress told me she wanted my horniess to stay.  She asked me how horny I would be if I came and I didn't go back into chastity.  I told her it would take awhile to get me ramped up again.  She asked, if I would be horny if I came and then was locked back up. I assured her that would get me going much quicker.  At this point I thought she may make me cum.  I then told her this is the order my horniness would be.  These are from low to high.

Let me cum and we go vanilla for a while.
Let me cum and lock me back up.
Let me cum, lock me back up and choose my outfit for the next day.
Don't let me cum and don't lock me back up
Don't let me cum and lock me back up.

In short, to keep me at my horniest, don't let me cum, keep using me for her pleasure, keep me locked up, feminized and lastly keep adding something else to the mix.  With this combo, there is no way for me to not be a horny mess.

As she was having her last orgasms she told me that I would not be cumming and that I would need to lock myself back up in chastity first thing in the morning.  I thanked her profusely for using me for her pleasure, for locking be back up in chastity, for making me dress up every day, and for really starting to demand more of me.  I assured her that she is on the right path and that she can be as mean to me as she wants.

When I awoke, I put on my device, got dressed in a black low-cut blouse, long black pin-stripe skirt and below the knee boots.  I did my morning chores including dishes and getting Mistress coffee ready.  I am sitting back in my office with my head spinning replaying yesterday and last night in my mind.  The sexual chemicals in my bloodstream have me dreaming up some pretty extreme thoughts as I write this.  I am a very, very happy slave.    

       

Worked Up

This morning I woke up and quickly realized I am incredibly horny.  Even though I had 2 orgams last week, I feel like I haven't cum in a couple weeks.  My mind is racing with submissive thoughts.  There are a couple reason I can directly think of as to my state of mind.

The first one is that I have been locked in chastity for over 72 hours now.  Friday night when Mistress gave me my orgasm one of the tasks she gave me was to lock up first thing Saturday morning.  As much as I hate to admit it, being locked up soon after an orgasm is a surefire way to get my mind back on track.  One thing that I don't understand is that I am very good on the honor system of chastity.  Not perfect, but very good and I do not orgasm.  But when I am not locked, I can really go without touching my cock.  However when I am locked up all I want to do is pull my cock out and slowly stroke myself for hours.  I assume it's the theory that we want what we can't have.  Anyhow, chastity definitely has me worked up as much as I don't want to be in this device.

The second reason is that Mistress has me still dressing up.  Yesterday I spent the entire day dressed.  I am working from home the next couple of weeks, so I don't have the excuse of going to work to get out of my outfit for the day.  Based on my mood right now, I am pretty ok with the arrangement.    Yesterday was a bit different in that I couldn't just hide behind my desk all day.  I had to do some stuff around the house which required me to be away from my desk and out in the open quite a bit.  I was constantly reminded of my attire and my situation as Mistress' girlfriend.  Mistress acted indifferent to my outfit most of the day, which made me feel like this is "normal".  I was so worked up when I woke up that I planned my outfit for the day before I even got out of bed.  I am in a bra, a blouse, short skirt and heels.  I am so turned on...

I recently purchased 6 bras that are my actual size.  The few I already own are perfect for play, but are too small to wear for a long period of time.  The ones I purchased I had hoped to be able to wear under my male clothes out of the house, but the padding is a little too prominent.  A bra is certainly a constant reminder of what I am wearing.  I can easily get used to panties and my nighties, and I am starting to get used to my heels and some of my outfits.  The bra is a new challenge.  It makes me want to pull my arms back a bit and keep my chest up.  If I don't the bra tugs on my arms a bit to remind me.  Mistress had me wear my forms the other morning, that too was a great mental enforcer of my place as Mistress' property.  If I ever start getting used to a bra, I will consider myself more feminized than I thought possible.  

In closing, while I am frequently conflicted about chastity and dressing in women's clothes, I am in absolute heaven today.  

Meaner and/or pushing limits

This is one of those posts I hope that I regret writing very soon.

First off, let me state that I am a very happy man.  I have a wonderful relationship with my Mistress.  I get along with her better than I have gotten along with any other person in my entire life.  On top of that we are moving along quite well in our D/s lifestyle.

As I sit here writing this I am in chastity.  I don't want to be.  I am also in a maxi-dress and I would totally be cool with being in sweats and a t-shirt.  That being said, I absolutely love that I am locked in chastity and in a dress.  I love the strictness Mistress is demonstrating.

As I stated above I am a very happy man.  I fear this post will come across as me being a pushy bottom, but at the same time, I don't think it's right for me to not communicate my feelings.  I am yearning for Mistress to be meaner to me.

Yesterday I was being snarky and Mistress threatened to put me in the cage when we got home.  Now half me me will be fine if I never spend another minute in the cage, but at the same time, my other half wants to challenge Mistress to lock me up until I am begging to be let out.

This same line of thinking goes for many things.  As much as I dislike chastity and I'm in a device I don't really care for, I am thrilled to be locked up.  Having to dress feminine is a task I frequently could do without, but I am absolutely enamored with Mistress making me do it as well as holding me accountable when I don't.  Having to eat my own cum after I cum inside of Mistress pretty much disgusts me, but being forced to do it is so amazingly hot.  I can't explain how great I feel after I have endured something I didn't want to do.

This morning my mind was racing with other ideas.  I was imagining being tied face down and having my ass beat until I was in tears.  I imagined being locked in the wooden stocks and in high heels for an hour or 2 until my legs were shaking uncontrollably.

I imagined being put on the treadmill in heels.  I frequently think about Mistress assigning me tasks to do around the house, the more menial, the better.  I imagine having to go to the store to buy embarrassing things. I imagine Mistress finding ideas online and making me do them.  I have been dreaming of being taken for a car ride dressed in womens clothes.  I imagine setting up the massage table in our room so Mistress can have me massage her whenever she wants.

This is starting to become a "do me" post and I didn't want it to be that.  In closing I just want to let Mistress know that I am as happy as I could be.  I am also wanting to communicate that if Mistress has any desire to be meaner, or to have me be more service oriented, or to make my slave life any more difficult, I am up to the challenge.  I want to suffer.  As I said, this is one of those posts I hope that I regret writing very soon.        

Disobeyed

This morning I find myself locked in chastity as a portion of my punishment.  I am being punished for not following my agreed upon requirement that I am dressed feminine when within 30 minutes of walking in the door.

Why did I disobey?  You would think the answer would be easy, but there are a few reasons I came up with.

Procrastination - I intended to change clothes, in just a little bit.
Laziness - I didn't want to have to go upstairs to change clothes.
Insecurity - Am I just doing this for me or does Mistress really want me to do this?

My disobedience had nothing to do with not wanting to obey.  In fact I am really liking her rules.  Also, Mistress gives me a lot of latitude as to what I wear.  So long as I am not casual all the time I can pretty much pick out whatever I want.  So I should count my blessings she doesn't enforce stricter attire.    

Yesterday I went out for drinks with a buddy.  When I got home Mistress had me start the grill.  Once the grill was hot enough, I cooked our dinner and we ate.  We spent the rest of the evening watching out TV shows and then got ready for bed.  Shortly after climbing into bed in my nighty, Mistress called me out for not dressing up.  She told me to immediately put on my chastity device and that I would soon receive the rest of my punishment.  As we were falling asleep I thanked Mistress for being more firm with me.

This is what I have been yearning for.  A more D/s focused life.  One where there are certain rules I must follow and where I am held accountable if I don't.  One that pushes me deeper which in turn increases my service to my Mistress.  One where the consequences get worse every time I disobey as I should know better by now.  One that I can't pull away from when it gets tough as I am so addicted to her.

Even though I am locked in chastity and I know additional punishment is coming, I am happy as ever!

 

Post Orgasm Thoughts

The other night Mistress and I were going to bed.  I really hadn't anticipated sex of any sort, but after a minute of kissing and fondling each other, Mistress wanted my cock inside of her.  I got on top of her (I still had my nighty on) and put my cock inside her.  Mistress reached up under my nighty and pinched my nipples.  There is something about still being dressed in my nighty when we have sex that makes me feel very submissive.  It had been 10 days since my last orgasm so I was certainly on the upper end of being aroused.  Unfortunately I was just a bit too sensitive to go very long inside Mistress.  Once she sensed this I was given the order to cum.  I was so close to the edge at the time, there was no way I was going to deny myself this opportunity.  After I came I prayed that Mistress wouldn't make me eat my cum out of her.  After about 30 seconds she told me to clean her out.  I put my mouth on her pussy and my tongue inside her and started scooping my cum out of her with my tongue.  At the time I so didn't want to do it, and even thinking about doing it now makes me cringe a bit.  But at the same time my cock just got super hard writing about it.  The act doesn't turn me on, but being forced to do it does.  After about 20 seconds of me cleaning up my cum, Mistress told me to put my fingers inside her.  As I brought her close to orgasm she told me to keep licking as she was going to cum in my mouth.  10 seconds later she was gushing on my face as she had an orgasm.  I kept working my fingers inside her as she told me to keep licking.  After another half minute or so, she told me we were done.  I was well used at that point.

As I cleaned myself off, I realized I had post orgasm drop. I was still in my nighty and went through a bit of shame as I always do.  That's one of the reasons I like to deny my orgasms as much as possible.  I woke up the next morning still let down a bit.  Because of this I was reluctant to get myself dressed in feminine clothes in the morning.  However since I am committed to doing as I am told and really wishing to be pushed harder in this lifestyle, I reluctantly got dressed.  Just this act got my libido up a bit.  I was still a bit too down to post to this blog, but I was trending in the right direction.  I still wore panties and a camisole at work so I had that in my mind all day.  This morning I again got dressed feminine and obviously my libido is up enough to post.  Replaying the other night as I write this has me hard and horny.

I will always have orgasm drop.  By Mistress putting these rules and protocols in place the drop doesn't last long.  In the past I would rebel a bit after an orgasm.  I would "forget" orders she would give me before I came.  As I disobeyed, Mistress would pull back as I appeared to be disinterested, and our D/s lifestyle would go in reverse.  Now that I have rules in place, and Mistress has demonstrated she will punish me instead of pulling back, I feel like we have momentum.  There is something to be said about pushing even harder after an orgasm.  Making me submit when my libido is down is a great mind fuck.  

Now that I have had my orgasm I want to keep working on being intimate as much as possible so that I can focus on Mistress' pleasure.  I love being used by Mistress and not having her take my pleasure into account.  I have had a long held fantasy of being a sex slave and this really goes a long way toward that.  My purpose is to please her and be used as she sees fit.

Here are a couple more outfits that I have been wearing.  I am trying to wear something new each day but that gets harder as I get deeper into my closet.

     

Mental Effects

When I woke up this morning, I wasn't in much of sexual mood.  I had zero intention of writing a blog post today.  I didn't sleep well and for whatever reason my libido was down.  I still have a rule that I must wear women's clothes when I am in the house, so my intention was to wear jeans and a casual top of some sort with some flat shoes.  When I got to the extra bedroom and saw my feminine clothes in the closet something clicked in my mind.  I have been trying to dress in ways that please Mistress as well as in ways that get her mind running with things to do to me.  To keep Mistress' mind racing, I decided it was in my best interest to dress better than jeans.  I picked out a black and white animal print blouse, black skirt and high heels.  I then fed the dog, emptied the dishwasher and loaded the dishwasher, all in my outfit.

I have to confess that I went from nearly zero libido to 8-9 in short order.  There is something erotic about waking up and first thing doing things I consider submissive and humiliating.  Wearing these clothes and doing chores in towering high heels went straight to my submissive libido.  These rules and protocols Mistress has me following makes it hard to slip out of subspace for very long.  When I have written posts in the past about protocols, I wrote more for it's kinky aspect.  However after this morning, I can see protocols having a long lasting mental effect that keeps me in a particular state of mind.  The same goes with wearing a nighty every night or when I am in chastity.  In the case of dressing up, and doing chores as my first acts of the day, I am essentially starting my day in submissive mode.  Instead of me waking up and having a kinky laundry list of things running through my mind, I am quickly put in my place and redirected into serving submissively.  As it is now, I am constantly reminded of my place.  Whether it be first thing in the morning, or getting ready for bed.  Whether it's when I am at work and I see my panties when I go to the bathroom, or when I come back home and have to change back into a dress.  Whether I am in chastity or have a large plug in my ass, I am constantly reminded of being Mistress' slave.  I hate to admit it, but the more she puts on my plate the harder it is to deny what I have become.  That's a good thing.

Yesterday was a different story.  I woke up with my libido on 12.  I dressed about as slutty as I could. I dressed in a black bra, plaid panties, white blouse, plaid schoolgirl skirt, white knee highs with bows and black mary jane platform heels.  Typing that out made me blush.  Mistress had ordered me to wear a wig, so that added to my humiliation.  My libido stayed pretty high yesterday.  In fact, it would start dropping off as I hid behind my desk working, but every time I had to get up to do something, I was instantly reminded of what I was wearing.  My humiliation and libido would peak each time.  Getting up and having to show myself is a pretty good mind fuck.

 

     

Update on the experiment

Mistress and I have had sex for the last 4 days straight.  I believe this to be rare with couples that practice chastity and male orgasm denial.  My goal when starting this experiment was to have sex for as many days straight as we can, but with 100% of my focus on giving Mistress orgasms.  My pleasure is to take a back seat to hers and my orgasms are up to her.  In addition to increased intimacy, I really wanted to build up my stamina to where it was when we first met.  Mistress primary way to orgasm is with my cock inside her, and when I was only being stimulated every 7-14 days, I was too sensitive to please her in the way she desires.

The last 4 days Mistress has as many orgasms as she wants, how she wants.  Once she is pleased, then she tells me she is done with me and I am to clean up.  The first 3 days she had me lock myself up chastity, but last night she didn't.  It's about all I can do to not touch myself as I write this.

During this period I have noticed that I can please Mistress better than I had before.  I am still not where I want to be, but I am working on it.  I believe that if I had an orgasm and we kept on the plan I would last longer.  As it is now, my testosterone and libido are through the roof.  Because of that I think I am more sensitive than I would be if I had recently cum.

A big part of trying not to cum when the body is demanding it is to have some sort of penalty for doing so.  The penalty for me used to be that if I came without permission I had to clean it up with my mouth.  That no longer works as well as I now have to clean up after every orgasm that I have.  It still works, just not as well.  I read a blog about a guy that gets an immediate whipping if he cums without permission.  This is particularly cruel as since he has just had an orgasm, he has lost the ability to use his horniness to mitigate the pain.  His beating is non sexual at all.  Here is more on the topic CLICK HERE   

While being less sensitive is a nice goal, I am afraid that an orgasm would take me out of this space that I am in.  I am so full of sexual chemicals.  I am in such a suggestive state that any thing Mistress says to me or makes me do goes straight to my core.  I want to be more and more under her thumb.  I want to obey no matter how much I don't want to do something.  With the chemicals I have running through my body right now, I could easily be coerced into just about anything.

Another benefit I have seen over the last 4 days is that Mistress has become much more demanding.  Her comments and actions both in and out of bed surprise me.  She is much more confident in punishing me.  She comes up with consequences I won't like as a deterrent for not obeying.  She has been calling me her bitch quite a bit which I like way more than I should.  She has escalated my feminization much faster than I expected.  I am in a wig for the first time in years.  The wig has only been used for scenes and sex, but now I'm afraid it's going to be part of my day-to-day routine.  She has had me using a very feminine body wash and very soon we are going to be finding me my own feminine scent for bathing and wearing out of the house.  While I have reservations about dressing, Mistress is pushing me in a way that is very erotic and will likely have me doing things I have reluctantly fantasized about for years.

On the non sexual front, I have been in much more of a service frame of mind.  In the morning, I find myself making sure Mistress coffee is ready and that the dishes are done before I do anything for myself.  When Mistress asks me to do something, I do it immediately instead of putting it on my mental list to do later.  I truly enjoy it when she asks me to do a particular task, and I especially like it when it's an order vs. a request.  I feel submissive serving in non-sexual ways, so being ordered to do things becomes a turn on.      

In closing, this experiment of increasing our sexual time together seems to be working well.  I know I am much happier and hornier and by all accounts Mistress seems to be happy and more sexually satisfied than I have seen in some time.  I am very excited to keep experimenting and see where this goes.    

Busted!

Yesterday morning we were up to our normal routine.  I was cooking breakfast and was a little snarky.  Mistress mentioned that I may need to spend some time in the cage today.  I scoffed at the idea knowing that wasn't going to happen.  Mistress went and worked out, while I removed my toenail polish and repainted my toenails.  Mistress finished her workout and we were hanging out.  Out of the blue, Mistress said that when my toenails dried I needed to go put my butt plug in.  She then told me that I was going to be spending some time in the cage.  I was very pleased and surprised.  I hadn't planned on playing today.

She then said that the next time I wonder what she is up to, that I just need to ask her.  I do not need to sneak into her phone.  Busted!  The night before Mistress had rolled over to go to sleep.  I was turning out the lights and as I was doing so, I noticed Mistress phone on the nightstand didn't have a charging cable hooked up to it.  I hooked up the charger and had a quick moment of insecurity.  I unlocked her phone and was just about to get into her text messages when she flipped over.  I quickly put the phone on the nightstand and then tried to lock it.  It was probably way more obvious than I thought at the time.  I had no clue she was on to me.

I already felt bad about what I did.  I have never had a reason to not trust Mistress.  When she said this I felt deep shame and embarrassment.  In the past I would have denied what I did or justified it or somehow deflected what I did.  In this case, I just accepted my fate.  Mistress also stepped out of her typical response.  Normally, she would get mad, call me out on it, and be distant for a few days.  In this case, she took a D/s approach, and punished me.  This allowed me to reflect on my behavior, genuinely apologize and thank Mistress for punishing me.  I believe this allowed her to call me out on my behavior, punish me accept my honest apology.  Instead of dwelling on what I did, we can move on.  A big difference between a vanilla relationship and a D/s one.  Punish, apologize, accept and move on.

As a side note.  I find it convenient to have the password to Mistress' phone if I need to get into it for any reason.  However I don't like the temptation.  I like the concept of Mistress having full access to my phone and computer, and I have zero access to hers.  In our D/s dynamic, she has an absolute right to privacy while I willingly give up all of my privacy.  I feel that adds extra vulnerability and control of me.

I went and put in my butt plug.  I came back to where Mistress was sitting and I told her I was ready for my punishment.  We went to the cage, and I used the restroom one last time as I had no idea how long I would be locked up.  In the mean time, Mistress went and grabbed the straight jacket.  She had me put it on.  As she fastened the buckles, I noticed how the straps that go between the legs pressed on the base of my butt plug.  Mistress told me to get in the cage.  To do so, I pretty much had to crawl on my forehead to get into the cage.  It was humiliating.  Mistress closed the cage door and put a padlock on it.  She then left me to go take a bath.  I had a long time to reflect on my behavior.  Being in the straight jacket made my time in the cage much more challenging since I couldn't use my hands to make myself more comfortable.  My chastity device dangled between my legs and I couldn't adjust it to make it more comfortable.  Lying on hard plastic until numbness sets in and then moving would cause new pain.  Every movement I made pushed on the plug in my ass.  It quickly went from kinky to real punishment.  I was fortunate Mistress didn't blindfold me, collar me or add many other challenges she could have.  Mistress let me out after a couple hours.  I would have guessed 2.5-3  hours.  I actually thought there was a good chance that she would leave me there longer.  I was grateful she didn't.

The rest of the day went normally.  We went out last night, and when Mistress and I got home, she had me remove my device and we got in the bed for me to sexually serve her.  While we had sex, we talked about the days events and future plans.  As I again thanked Mistress for handling my bad behavior with D/s she assured me that she will keep doing this and will make it much worse next time.  She also talked about making our spare room a punishment room as well as where my feminine side will have her own room.  She added that I would soon be wearing makeup and my wig much more often.  Very soon I will be wearing feminine smelling deodorant and perfume.  After Mistress had at least a few orgasms, she told me she was done with me.  I was to lock my cock back up and get into bed.  I was in absolute heaven.

I am totally enamored with Mistress right now.  I am in awe of how she had handled an issue that is difficult in any relationship.  I am loving how confidentially she has me pleasing her sexually without concerning herself with my pleasure.  Pleasing her is pleasureful for me.  I am truly loving the the physical intimacy we have had the last few days.  I am loving Mistress pushing my feminine buttons and making do more and more in this area of our life.  I really hope we stay on this course.  I so want to be completely owned by Mistress. 

The last few days

The last few days have had Mistress and I going through our normal lives.  Our new normal has me wearing women's clothes whenever I am home.  I have to admit, the more I wear clothes, the more I get into it.  I am starting to take pride in the outfits, as if I were going to go out in the clothes.  While I am more comfortable, I am also insecure.  I had to ask Mistress to reaffirm that she likes seeing me dressed.  She said "yes I like it.  When I start making you wear makeup you'll really now how much I like it".  Just typing that got my cock hard.  Here are outfits over the last couple days (I missed a picture one day).

I had recently bought a 3D printed chastity device.  At first it was wonderful, but something happened and now, whenever I wear it I get swollen and the skin around the device turns red and flaky.  I believe I am alergic the plastic used to make the device.  I believe they coat it in paraffin or something similar when they make it, but now that it has worn off, I have a reaction.  To make sure it's that specific device, I have been wearing my stainless device off and on for the last few days.  I have no issues with the steel device, other than the weight and the bulkiness of it.  It's much harder to wear this device than the plastic one.  I am now researching metal devices that are similar to my plastic device.  In the meantime I need to try wearing my old school CB3000 plastic device, to rule out any issues before I invest in another device.  I want to make sure the tighter devices don't cause any skin issues.

The last few days Mistress has been a little pushier.  When she ran out of wine one night, she told me that it was my job to keep her wine stock replenished.  That same night she told me to do the laundry the next day.  That is one job she has kept for herself so it was very hot to be told to do it.  Thursday night Mistress had a girls night out. She made me drop her off so she could Uber back home.  When she got home she had me unlock myself and we had sex.  I made sure to have her cum and I didn't get an orgasm.  Last night, at bedtime Mistress got the bed ready for sex and again, she used my cock and fingers to get her off.  Shortly after she orgasmed, she told me she was done with me.  I pulled out and started cleaning up.  As I did, she told me to lock myself back in chastity.  I can't remember the last time she told me to lock my cock up after sex.  Being told what to do, and being used for sex, has my submissive mind soaring.  I woke up early this morning with my cock straining against its steel cage.  All my mind could think of was Mistress doing something painful, something humiliating or something challenging to me.  I am feeling so horny this morning.         

Orgasms for her and not for me.

A friend told me that stats show that the average person has sex 89 times a year. He went on to say that he's excited for all the sex he will get in December.  That's my joke for the day...

I have been giving a lot of thought to orgams, or the lack thereof.

Last year at this time I had 36 orgasms and this year it's 26.  This pales in comparison to my pre-chastity (and pre-long term relationships) days when I likely came 400-500 times a year, 98% of them by myself.

Also, I went 46 days without an orgasm this year which is less than my record of around 75 days.  I have been yearning to break my old record as I really enjoy the high I get from denial.  There is also something cool about breaking personal records.

There are countless women that keep their men in chastity and forbid orgam for long periods.  They are still intimate and get pleasure from toys or their partner's tongue and fingers.  There are many others that do not ever allow a man's penis inside them. I have read of men that have gone years without being inside their Mistress and some that haven't had an orgasm in over a year.  Some of this is very hot to me.  The level of submission it takes for a slave to give up orgasms or to give up pleasure at all is incredible.

On the flip side, I recently read a blog (click HERE) where the woman has her sub cum every 5-7 days (or up to 9 days if he misbehaves), but they have sex almost daily.  When they do have sex she cums 10-30 times and he doesn't cum at all.

I think she has it right.

The more I think about it, the more I want to be as sexual with my Mistress as possible.  Mistress loves having my cock inside her and I can make her cum quite easily.  In fact when we first started dating I could make her cum time and again to the point where she would get so sensitive that she would have me stop.  Back then she would try to make me cum and I could stop it from happening.  I believe the reason is back then I was inside her constantly.  If we were apart, I would edge.  My cock was always being stimulated and therefore I had more control.

Today things are a bit different.  Unfortunately chastity and orgasm denial have also been stimulation denial.  I understand Mistress not wanting me to touch myself and I have no problem with that rule.  However lately when we have had intercourse, I am ready to cum in no time.  I want to change that.  I want to be able to go as long as hard as Mistress desires without needed to stop every 10th stroke.  Her sexual satisfaction means everything to me.

I think we should be having intercourse daily.  The best part is we can still incorporate everything else we do into this way of life.  I imagine Mistress and I setting aside 10-30 minutes every day for the sole purpose of me pleasuring her.  In fact, by setting a daily requirement, we can make it my job to initiate on a daily basis.  Mistress of course decides if we proceed, but it could be up to me to do the daily initiation.

I will work on focusing on her pleasure full well knowing I will not have an orgasm.  When she is done, I am done.  If I am locked in chastity, I will be released until Mistress is completely satisfied and then I will happily go back into chastity.  If I am not in chastity I will still honor the no touching rule.

To keep me wanting and needing I still believe I should practice orgasm denial.  There is no reason we can't have sex daily with me only cumming occasionally.  Reading that blog some more, she references a study that male testosterone peaks (145% of baseline) on day 7 of not having an orgasm.  It appears that as men age, the peak takes longer.  I would agree that my peak is in the 7-12 day range.  That doesn't mean we also can't push me to new records, but all within the context of Mistress' needs being met.

This seems like a win-win to me.  Mistress will have a man that can last and last as long as she wishes.   Mistress is sexually satisfied.  I am constantly denied, and at the same time constantly reminded of what I am missing.  Mistress is in full control of my release and therefore in fill control of me.  Everything else we do can continue as D/s is still part of who I am.

Sweet Dreams

With my recent medical issues I had received some good strong pain killers.  In addition to helping with the pain, I found out that they gave me some good and crazy memorable dreams.  I don't generally remember my dreams so when I do I am pleasantly surprised.  While I was in the hospital I was understandably not interested in sexual matters, but I still managed to have some erotic dreams.

Fast forward to now.  I didn't use all of my pain killers when I was recovering, so last night I decided to see if I could get some good dreams since I was healthy and very horny.  It turns our it worked.  I was surprised how much of my dreams were focused around recent events I have been reading.

Now I did have some random dreams as well.  A talking stuffed dinosaur.  Being at a bar with my buddy and seeing the cops outside tazing robbers that looked like there were out of a 50's comedy movie.  I dreamt about getting a new dog and going on vacation.  But there were 2 dreams that stick out in my mind for their naughtiness.

The first one was right as I was falling asleep.  I was going in and out of falling asleep. I ended up dreaming that I was tied to the bed in our normal fashion.  Me spread eagle using straps from under our mattress.  I was blindfolded and heard Mistress walking around the room.  Mistress climbs on the bed and tells me to open my mouth.  I imagined she was going to put a gag or dildo into my mouth.  She tells me to open wider and very quickly shoves something into my mouth. I quickly realize this item is a semi soft ball and it's cold and wet.  Before I can react I feel Mistress slap a strip of very sticky duct tape over my mouth.  Within seconds I can taste a salty acrid taste.  I realize it's piss.  Mistress pinches my nipples hard, causing me to gasp and I bite down on the ball, and some of the piss releases into the back of my throat.  And then out of nowhere she zaps my balls with an electric device of some sort.  I actually kicked my leg in real life (I think) due to the zap in my dream.  

Mistress then tells me "you have a big porous sponge soaked in my piss in your mouth right now.  You have been talking back to me, you have been telling me I am wrong, you have been correcting me, and telling me how to do things I obviously know how to do."  "From now on, if your mouth keeps being pissy with me, I am going to keep getting pissy with your mouth."  

I wish the dream went on, but it didn't.  I have my own ideas of where it would go, but that's not the purpose of this post.

My second dream happened later after some of the dreams I listed above.  In it Mistress keeps adding things to my daily feminization routine.  Not all at once, but slowly and deliberately.  I don't know the exact order, but she started making me wear a wig whenever I was dressed (to keep me warm in the winter months).  She had me wearing fake nails that could come off and go on easily.  She added earrings, a necklace, bracelet, and anklet and a ring on my finger.  She had me wearing lipstick, clear mascara and perfume.  By the end of the dream, I would have all of the above items on my as soon as I got home from work until I left for work the next day.  From Thursday night to Tuesday morning, Mistress enforced this regimen which meant that I went 4 full days dressed as a woman.  I became an expert in walking in heels, makeup application and when I looked in the mirror, I no longer saw a man.

To sum everything up, I had a great night of dreams.  I am wondering if the recent hypnosis tracks I listened to have anything to do with what I dreamt.  

Here is the outfit I wore yesterday.  My goal is to post each day's outfit on its own page.  

  

Conflicted

When it comes to feminization, I am fairly conflicted.  Sure, I have lots of fantasies about it, and I have a fairly good wardrobe from which to chose.  However I frequently have to convince myself that being dressed is OK.

As a child I remember trying on my mother's or sister's clothes when I was so young it wasn't even sexual.  As I went through puberty I would occasionally masturbate wearing a pair of panytyose or something similar.  Often times tying myself up while doing so.  As soon as I would cum, I would be so ashamed and humiliated.  I would swear to never touch another piece of women's clothing.

When I was a teen I would steal panties from the dresser of a friend's sister, or a local store.  I would wear the panties occasionally and keep them hidden away.  Back then, my go to method of masturbating was me lying on my stomach and rubbing my cock into the mattress or a pillow.  When I got in the mood to use the panties I owned I would put them on.  I would tie my ankles together with rope, a belt or a tie.  I would then tie my knees together.  I would gag and blindfold myself and then roll onto my belly.  I would take another piece of clothing like a shirt.  I would put my wrists in the arm holes behind my back and I would twist my wrists spinning the shirt until it had my hands restrained.  I would hump the mattress and edge myself until I couldn't take it any more and would then have an orgasm.  I would be lying in my cum until I could free my arms.  Eventually I would go through the same shame and humiliation and throw everything away.

As a young adult, I started having partners that I could share my fetish with a bit.  This allowed me to re-acquire some feminine items without having to hide them too much.  It was still very mild compared to today.  But when a breakup would occur I would discard the items in shame yet again.  This was in the days before the internet, so I had no clue how widespread crossdressing was.

This cycle would repeat itself over and over.  As I got older my dressing in women's clothes got a bit more advanced.  I acquired makeup and would very occasionally dress and put on makeup.  The biggest humiliation I would experience would be if I dressed, put on makeup, tied myself up and came.  I would have major post orgasm drop, and would start to clean up.  I would see myself in the mirror with makeup that takes forever to clean up.  I would feel like such a freak of nature.  I would have clothes that would need to be hidden.  A few days later I would be ok, but it would be months before I would do this to myself again.

When I was married, my wife somewhat encouraged my dressing.  Even though she encouraged it, I hid a lot from her.  I traveled at the time.  I would frequently go on a trip and as soon as I got to my destination, I would hit a Walmart or Target and buy some pantyhose or stockings.  I would wear them out to dinner and when I was back in my room.  Those days I masturbated 2-3 times a day.  I would throw the clothes away before I got home. Several times in my marriage, she would have me dress more often, but it would ebb and flow.  I never got the feeling she really liked it.  After we split, I took every bit of kink related items to a storage unit.  If there was one thing I learned over the years, it was that this need would come back into my life.

That takes me to my current relationship.  Not long after I met Mistress I was in the storage unit getting some kinky items to show her, including clothes.  Once Mistress found out about the clothes she made me put on every single item of women's clothes I owned.  She put the clothes into 2 piles, one I could keep, the other I had to get rid of.  She said that she wanted me to be her classy and sexy girlfriend, not a tramp (although I do believe slutty occasionally has a place).  For the next few months, Mistress had me dress frequently.  When we would go out to the movies, I had to be wearing panties, garters and stockings.  When I would come over to her house she told me what to wear under my clothes.  She bought me nighties to wear at her house.  At my house we would have elaborate nights with me in full dress, makeup.  We would have dinner and drinks.  Mistress would make me pose while she took pictures of me.  Then we would have sex, frequently with her taking me with her strapon.  I felt like her girlfriend when we did that.  She allowed me to start accepting being dressed in women's clothes for the first time in my life.

Yesterday Mistress had me wear something feminine "top and bottom" under my male clothes.  I chose a pink camisole, and pink panties.  At our friend's house for brunch Mistress kept pinching my sore nipples, hitting me in the balls and reaching into my shirt to remind me of my camisole.  When we got home I started to strip so I could get back into my dress and heels.  Mistress stopped me when I was just in my panties and camisole.  She told me if I stayed that way I could skip putting the dress and heels back on.  Since I was buzzed from brunch I went with it.  Looking back, I am embarrassed that I paraded around for hours that way.

Today, I am sitting at my desk in a black and white dress with black boots.  My head's spinning after reminiscing about my past.  I am still conflicted, but I think that is a good thing.  I will never be one that wants to "show off" my dressing.  I will always be a bit reluctant to be dressed.  I am glad I don't fully enjoy being dressed.  I live for the mind-fuck.  The shame and humiliation is what does it for me.  The threat of being dressed in public.  Mistress treating me like a woman.  Seeing my feminine self in a mirror when I feel masculine puts butterflies in my stomach.

All of that being said, Mistress has assured me that she truly does enjoy seeing me dressed feminine.  That's important to me as if she didn't then this wouldn't be fun. Having her tell me that she now expects me to be dressed 24/7 at home is a great mind-fuck.  Adding shoes to my outfit made it that much more real.  If she decides to add anything else I am sure it will have the same effect.  The more she pushes the more I am in awe.

Since I am conflicted, having to decide what to wear causes me sensual stress.  I feel very controlled and erotically humiliated.  At the end of the day, I think I have the perfect balance of acceptance and reluctance and that make it work.

What I really have is the greatest Mistress a guy girl like me could have.                                

The last couple days

The last couple days have been interesting.  On Friday, Mistress texted me to tell me my post was quite naughty.  When I got home from my trip, I sat next to Mistress on the couch thinking about my post.  Inside I was slightly embarrassed but not too much.  Mistress commented that my toenails needed to be painted on Saturday.  I usually keep them painted 24/7 from October through April, but with all of my trips to the hospital she waived this requirement.  At bed time Mistress kept grabbing at my nipples asking if they hurt, and they did, perfectly so.  I did a number on them.  Her teasing was perfect.

Yesterday I woke up and painted my toenails pink.  I love having my toenails painted!  The rest of the morning found us doing our normal errand running and shopping.  In the afternoon, we played some cards.  She won the first game by a huge margin, and I won the 2nd.  We decided to add a 3rd game with a bet.  If I won, Mistress agreed to plan the best D/s scene she has ever done for me.  If Mistress won I agreed to plan the most romantic date I have ever planned.  With consequences, we both played our most competitive game ever.  In the end I won.  While I am obviously ecstatic about winning, I have come to the realization that I may end up regretting winning.  A major case of be careful what you wish for!

After playing cards we went to the hot tub. Eventually the conversation came around to our lifestyle.  Now that my health is better, Mistress instructed me that I am again to be dressed feminine 24/7 when I am at home.  When I come home from somewhere I have 30 minutes to get dressed.  If I am out of the house I have to wear something under my clothes, top and bottom.  If I go in our back yard I cannot cover up or change clothes.  If I am in the front of the house, I have to stay dressed but I can put on a robe.  Mistress also wants me to acquire additional bras to wear as they are so restrictive and uncomfortable.  I encouraged Mistress to be as cruel and strict with me as she wants to and bras seem like a good next step.

After the hot tub, I came into the house and realized I had nothing feminine to wear.  I ran upstairs and put on one of my sluttiest dresses.  I was hoping Mistress would be turned on by it.

Mistress told me it was too slutty and that she likes me in classy clothes.  She also commented that a new rule is that I now have to wear women's shoes in the house. That had previously not been required.  I think Mistress didn't require shoes before as she was being nice and didn't want my feet to hurt.  Now I believe she is taking my recent comments about being stricter to heart and has added shoes to my required uniform.  Be careful what you wish for.

When we went to bed, Mistress instructed me to put towels on the bed.  Mistress let me keep my dress on as we climbed into bed. We started having sex and I got close to the edge a little too fast.  Mistress had me use my fingers on her.  She then had me get out the lube so she could stroke my cock.  We alternated between my cock inside her, my fingers inside her, my mouth on her pussy and her stroking my cock.  When Mistress would squirt she commanded me to lick it up. Mistress got frustrated about my need to keep stopping so I didn't go over the edge.  She made comments about how I needed to start lasting longer or she would find a guy to fuck her properly.  That is the first time she has ever talked like this.  I hate to admit it, but I found the talk to be exciting.  

Mistress also scolded me for torturing myself on my trip.  She tugged at my nipples while telling me that I will be spending a night in the cage for having a scene with myself.  I begged her to lock me up right then and there.  She refused.  I knew that by writing my story, I might end up getting punished.  I guess I know I deserve it.

Mistress stated commanding me to cum.  I begged Mistress not to cum, but she was relentless.  I finally came and put a week's worth of cum into her pussy.  She commanded me to lick it out.  At first I refused and then I feared what might happen if I didn't, so I sheepishly crawled between her legs and started licking.  I don't know how much I got out of her, but I stayed there until she told me to stop.

Afterward we cleaned up, I put on my nighty and we went to sleep.  I felt like a used up slut and I loved it. 

I woke up this morning expecting to be drained.  Instead my mind instantly went to yesterday and I replayed everything over again.  It turns out I woke up as horny today as I have been in some time.  When I got out of bed I went to the spare bedroom closet, where my feminine clothes are.  I wanted to show Mistress the mood I was in.  Instead of slutty, I picked out a classy little back dress (like Marilyn Monroe's white dress, but in black.).  I am also wearing 5" black pumps with a strap.  When Mistress got up, she commented on my shoes.  It's funny.  Wearing a dress around the house doesn't affect me the way it used to, but by adding heels, I am much more self conscious.  The dress by itself I can kind of ignore, but there is no way to ignore heels.  I wonder if I will get used to heels at some point?  Either ay, I am feeling very naughty this morning!

Well I am signing off for now.  Going to hot tub with Mistress again and then go put on some naughty clothes under my male clothes to go to a friends house to watch football.

I love being a little sissy slut!

Force and Helplessness

I spent a good deal of yesterday reading blogs while waiting at the airport and on my plane.  There is one I have mentioned a few times https://msscarletuk.wordpress.com/  In their blog they chronicle the abuse she puts her slave through.  As I read I got pretty hot and bothered.  What got me going wasn't the actual activities she did to him, it's that she has him so controlled.  Now a 1-2 hour scene is hot, but she puts him through much more.  She will tie him down for 3-4 or more hours.  He can't move.  He can't see or hear anything.  She tortures his cock with stinging nettles and/or muscle cream like Icy-Hot or Tiger Balm.  I have had both on my cock and neither are something I would ask for again.  She uses those dental brushes on the inside of his cock.  She also puts a funnel gag in his mouth and puts frozen pee cubes or frozen cum cubes in the funnel so that the liquids drip slowly into his mouth for hours.  Now the worst part.  For the most part she ignores him.  She comes into the room, tortures his cock for 5-10 minutes and leaves the room.  The burning from the nettles or cream last for an hour or so and she comes back in and reapplies the torture and leaves again.  The rest of the time he is alone.  He is left to just lie there and endure and panic about her next arrival.  His cock burning.  His mouth being violated by nasty flavors for hours. I imagine his mind is a mess afterward.  I'll bet he panics the next time he starts to get tied up.

Other blogs I read have men getting their asses beat until they are in tears.  Some guys are in chastity for months.  Others are feminized 100% at home and some outside of the home. There are a few sadistic women out there and it seems to be growing in popularity.

So much of how these guys are treated scares the heck out of me, but at the same time it excites so much.  To be taken past where it's "fun" and to where it's "real".  To obey and serve not only because I want to, but because I am afraid of what will happen if I don't.  To have freedoms taken away.  To be controlled past the point of where I can pull back control.  While I am certain that it would suck in a lot of ways to be that controlled makes my head spin.

My cage experience of last month is the most I felt like I had no control.  Wearing women's clothes full time is another way that makes me do something I may not feel like doing.  I have recently started fantasizing about Mistress starting to make me do things she knows I hate just for the sake of making me do it.  Putting me in the cage for no reason.  Having me do work around the house while she supervises. Hurting my body past where it's fun for me.  Punishing just fr the sake of keeping the dynamic on place.  I'm turned on by the thought of wanting something to stop and Mistress refuses telling me that I am in too deep now for it to stop.      

There were some quotes I took away from the blog mentioned above.

He has a submissive soul. He cannot be content without being controlled and dominated. If he is treated with cruelty, that is a clear reinforcement of how helpless his situation is and it increases his sense of being controlled. He truly hates many of his punishments, my tortures, his humiliations and his endless chores.  BUT, I know his soul is content. There are little signs. Not least of which, his worship and awe of me. If your man is truly submissive (and so many are) he will never actually be truly content without true domination – be warned.

Your man needs to feel 100% helpless and trapped. This is easy to achieve. For instance, start playing some bondage games and /or dress up games. Take a photo or two. Put the photos on a flash drive/memory stick and hide it away, or just tell him you have done so. Threaten to send the photos to someone or several people he would dread receiving them. Explain you have changed fundamentally and now cannot enjoy or contemplate the relationship without being the dominant partner and so you are 100% serious. Leave him in no doubt. A submissive man will be in awe of your actions and threats, especially if he knows the threats are not idle. Other men will quickly accept the situation. Like a wolf or chimpanzee in a pack, when a man knows his place in the hierarchy he is at ease.

Begin conditioning. Men, like Pavlov’s dogs, can be conditioned over time. You can move their sense of reality. Punish infractions with punishments that he is truly frightened of and desperate to avoid. Over time, doing all the chores becomes a normal (though dull) part of his life and there is an acceptance in him that that is the way it is. The same phenomenon applies to waiting on you hand-and-foot and to his restricted sexual relief and freedom. Get a chastity device. One involving a piercing is best. You will soon begin to experience the rush of having true power over another human being. Power is a huge rush and an aphrodisiac. It has been enjoyed, as such, by men over women for millennia, now women can enjoy it and become aroused and satisfied by it too.


Begin to experiment with your cruelty and sadism. In my early years of dominance, I could not bring myself to accept that I was a sadist. I found the word to be very distasteful. I was still foolishly fettered by society’s norms and standards. But after frequent experiences of intense arousal while inflicting physical or mental pain on my bitch-boy, I accepted that I was a sadist and that I loved sadism. Perhaps it is simply that sadistic activity signifies true power and it is the power that is the aphrodisiac? I don’t know or care.

I know that this can't happen overnight.  I'm not even sure I would want the level of control that is in some of these blogs, but I sure would like to go in that direction.  In the meantime I can vicariously live through their blog.