Notes for a deep conversation

I recently told Mistress how much I needed to have her control me.  The conversation was good and I am doing things to make her life easier, but we still aren't hitting on all cylinders.  Below are my notes and things that spoke to me when I had this conversation.  They are here in case Mistress wants to see them.  Many of these notes are copied verbatim from different blogs, mostly Miss Christine.  Her way of dominating is something I strive to experience.

 For the purposes of this blog, a submissive is someone who cannot be truly content both sexually, and as a whole, unless they feel helplessly in the power of another.

IT IS A SEXUALITY; in the same way being a gay male is a sexuality. It is not a choice. A submissive will usually discover he or she is a submissive before they reach puberty. Most often between the ages of 7 and 11.

The submissive mind is at first difficult to understand and seemingly paradoxical. The submissive MUST be coerced to endure things they do not like in order for them to feel truly dominated; validation that they are not in control. If a man consents to everything you do to him, then he is really the one that is in control, and he will feel discontented and ill at ease being the one in control.

I will tell my husband that I will not be dominating him that evening or weekend of vanilla activity and I will be using him for his vanilla company. He will not act submissively and I will enjoy his company.

Even when there is a great deal of vanilla time and vanilla interaction in the relationship overall, BUT, when it is domination/submission time, there is no ambiguity that the dominant is truly in charge, wielding real power, (and enjoying doing so). 

It is important you get to feel what true power is like. That decadent, naughty feeling of being in charge. Almost ironically, the seat of your power comes from one simple fact. Your submissive NEEDS you to be dominant from time to time and he knows that. So you can utilise that in two ways. 

First, if he does not obey, you can say, ‘Obey, or I will not dominate you.’ [He will be in awe of you just for saying that, AND MEANING IT.]

Second, if you want him to do a boring housework chore, and he moans, you can say, ‘Doing chores is part of being my submissive. If you don’t do the chores I tell you to do, there will be no domination of any kind.‘ [He will be in awe of you just for saying that, AND MEANING IT.]

So many women initially say to me, ‘…but I love him so much, I can’t be mean to him.’ Well the fact is, while never being mean to him or dominant, you truly hurt him – every single day. He is a submissive and you could so easily bring him and you, an amazing life of joint contentment, but you not being mean or dominant ever, hurts him every single day. This is an unarguable fact. A truth. You may think you should feel guilty for being mean to him, but the simple truth is, you should feel guilty for not ever being mean to him. 

 I dominate you my way or not at all. Again. This is paramount. I dominate you my way or not at all. This brings me to the bathroom needing a proper clean. I’m going to relax while you go and give the bathroom a proper clean. Come back to me here when its done.‘  He is most likely to look at you as though you are a sex goddess and be in awe of you. He may show nothing, but be feeling these things. He may however try to get out of it because this is real and not fantasy and his male pride becomes an unexpected problem for him. If he procrastinates or objects just keep saying,

‘I dominate you my way or not at all. You give the bathroom a proper clean or I stop dominating you, including in the bedroom.’

Once he is cleaning the bathroom while you relax, you will again be feeling real power. Revel in it. It feels wonderful! He will also be thinking he is the luckiest man in the world.

DO NOT ask if he liked having to clean the bathroom. For him, it is not about liking how you dominate him, it is about whether you made him feel submissive. So do not care if he likes it, but, did it make him feel submissive.  He will confess wholeheartedly this fact.  

Because a submissive needs things to happen to them they don’t really like in order to feel they are truly under the control of another,  when you are seeking feedback, don’t ever ask, ‘Did you like that?’ or, ‘Do you like that?‘ Always ask, with words to the effect of; ‘Does that make you feel submissive?‘, or, ‘Did that make you feel submissive?’ 

It is critical to be able to provide an INTENSELY (brutal) emotional event from time to time. Intensely emotional for both the submissive and the dominant. Now and again, I will push one of my submissives well past what they think they can cope with. A LONG, LONG WAY PAST! The result of this level of cruelty is usually very considerable arousal for me and, once the event is over, the submissive holds me in awe and feels a compelling need to worship me. Perfect symbiosis. And they probably sleep more soundly than ever in submissive contentment.

The problem for sissy when I treat him this way is that, despite the terrible nightmare he endures during the event; when it is all over; he is even more in awe of me. Poor submissives really have no hope of escaping either their suffering or their addiction to their Mistresses do they?

Being waited on hand and foot.

Do not say please when giving the submissive an instruction. Do not say thank you when the instructed action has taken place. You may find this difficult if you already have the subconscious habit of saying please and thank you automatically. If so, practice makes perfect. (You can omit those words 24/7/365 if you wish and not just when you are dominating him.) Some dominants go one step further and have the submissive say thank you when the submissive has carried out an instruction of service. Below is an example exchange.

                ‘Get me a glass of white wine slave.’

                ‘Yes Madame.’ The slave returns and, with both hands, passes the glass of white wine to the Mistress. The Mistress looks expectantly at the slave, who then responds as he has been trained to do.

                ‘Thank you for the opportunity to serve you Mistress.’

                ‘You are a lucky slave aren’t you, now get back to your chores.’

I have also included in this exchange a default rule that I impose on my submissives. If passing me something, they must always do so holding the thing in both hands. This is a very respectful mode of behaviour, (Japanese in origin). Try it.

You can start taking advantage of your submissive’s needs by having them do some housework, or, chores of another kind.

If it is not going too far early on, a plain apron, a frilly one, or even more feminine attire (such a maids outfit) enhances the submissive’s feeling of serving a dominant during undertaking chores. Chores are a huge area of win/win in the dominant female / submissive male symbiotic relationship. Both parties get something out of him doing the chores. In a vanilla relationship, no one wants to do chores and they are a bind. In your new style relationship, you get freed up of any chores you do not want to do and your submissive gets a strong shot of contentment from being made to do them.

You can go a step further by inspecting completed work and having shoddy work done again, possibly with a punishment thrown in. What were mundane, boring chores become an enhancement to your lives! You can also immediately mess up the room and make him do it again.  It’s not about the results, it’s about the control.

A Golden Rule

As I have mentioned, submissives absolutely need to feel they are truly helpless in the power of another. Not a game being played they can be in total control of. This brings us to a golden rule to ensure you achieve this. Go just a tiny bit further than they think they can cope with. Whether nipple pinching or spanking or edging, do not stop until there is a whimper or much better still some genuine begging.

This is a tricky area because you must not go so far, that the discomfort stops them feeling submissive. If you stop the first moment they indicate they want you to, they are in control, so they will not feel helplessly in your power afterwards, so you will not get the worship and awe you want, and he will not get what he needs. Do not stop too soon!

At his initial request I keep him on a strict diet. 24/7 during both non-vanilla and vanilla times. As I said, I discovered a dominant streak I never knew I possessed. But controlling his diet has also brought out some wickedness in me which has him in awe of me. I adore contrast; wine for me, water for him, fish for me, lettuce for him, dessert for me, fruit for him. I don’t starve him, of course. He gets his full share of calories, greens, protein and vitamins. But my job was to get his weight down and to keep it there. Whereas he now makes me feel really good about myself and my appearance, regardless of what I eat, drink or how much exercise I do.

In return I’m critical of him because that’s what HE needs. He is turned on by my control. He needs me to decide things for him. And he needs some of my decisions to be tough. That keeps his submissive soul contented. He’s 12 pounds lighter. He feels great about that too.

HERE ARE THINGS I TOLD MISTRESS I WOULD ENDEAVOR FOR.

What you can expect.

No dishes, no laundry, no vacuuming, no cleaning, anything that you think needs to be done should be assigned to me. Obedience.  No talking back (need to end this once and for all).   

How does a typical day look?

Wake up - no phone allowed.  Work on betterment

As soon as you get up I feed the cat, the dog and prepare your tea.

Phone allowed for a minimum amount of time

Walk dog

Prepare and serve breakfast for you

Workout

Prepare my own breakfast

Do dishes

Work

Prepare and serve lunch

Dishes, laundry

Work

Prepare and serve dinner

Dishes, fold and put away any laundry

Chores (clean bathroom, clean fridge, clean Jeep, reorganize cabinets, etc) TV only allowed when Mistress wants my company.  I should be at service at all other times.

Weekends. Bigger projects and chores unless vanilla time.   

The Ten Commandments

Every morning as I am starting to wake up, my mind typically goes to a kinky place.  As I drift in and out of sleep, my mind wanders.  It almost feels like a dream, but I have some control where my mind wanders. 

This morning Mistress was out of bed before me.  If I wasn't locked in chastity I would have edged a few dozen times and then I would have proceeded to give myself an orgasm.  I would have logged it in the orgasm log and in a few days confessed that I came without permission.  Not to be disobedient, but because the honor system is imperfect.  As I fantasized about having an orgasm I fantasized about the rules I have to follow.  I came up with the idea of the Ten Commandments although I don't have 10.

1. Thou shalt be locked in chastity at all times.
2. Thou shalt wear a nighty every night.
3. Thou shalt keep body shaved at all times.
4. Thou shalt wear perfume and women's deodorant every day.
5. Thou shalt keep toenails painted at all times.
6. Thou shalt prepare and/or serve Mistress coffee every morning.
7. .
8. .
9. .
10. .

I am in need of 4 more commandments.  I love the idea of having to have these memorized and be able to recite each one by number.  I love the idea of being punished (severely) any time a commandment is broken.  If my toenails are not kept up, or Mistress has to prepare her own coffee, I would be dealt with harshly.

Additional commandments I fantasize about.  Collars, feminine attire requirements, chores, tasks, toys etc.  A commandment doesn't have to be necessarily a daily one, but something such as every week thou shalt do X task.  

No more time to post for today.  If you wouldn't mind suggesting commandments in the comments section that you think are appropriate, I would be very appreciative.    

Also an obligatory picture for this post.  Here is my mood today.

Adopting A Corporate Mindset

Last night Mistress expressed some insecurity about being more forceful and domineering.  Our professional lives keep changing and the breadwinner has recently been me.  I have been making some sacrifices recently that I know Mistress greatly appreciates, however it's making her try to accommodate me instead of making me serve her even more.  I get why it's happening and I hope things change so that she can feel confident in being cruel regardless of who is the breadwinner.  For many, many years Mistress has been the breadwinner and she was fine bossing me around.  Now I think she feels like she owes me something.  If anything I still owe her for making my life easier.

Mistress is a good manger and understands how important structure is in the professional world. She understands constant improvement, goal setting, measuring results, holding people accountable, rewarding good behavior and disciplining when appropriate.  I realized last night that it might help if we adopted those same principals to our D/s lifestyle.  It might help override her concerns about being more domineering over me.  Here's how.

An employee slave manual.

Job Description.

A D/s version of a business plan.

Dress code.

Weekly one-on-ones.

Daily huddle/caning.

Performance reviews - monthly and quarterly.

Being on call.

Reports.

Performance Improvement Plan.

Special Projects.

Thinking about many of these, I can see a way that formalizes what we both know I need and makes it matter-of-fact and necessary to my growth.  I'd like to think that this will make it easy for Mistress to realize it's my job to sacrifice and make her life easier, not the other way around.

 

   

Behavior Modification

The other night I had a dream about our D/s lifestyle.  I was going to write about it yesterday, but by the time I got home my libido was worn off and I didn't have the guts to do it.  This morning, I am in an extra state of horniness and my perfume has amplified it, so now I an recount my dream.

In my dream Mistress has me sitting on the floor in front of our couch.  I don't know if I am sitting or if I am keeling.  Mistress alternates between walking around me lecturing me and sitting on the couch looking me in the eyes.

She says something to the effect of "you need more control in your life and I am going to give it to you.  I am going to use my position over you to change your behavior.  I am going to start with 3 behavior modifications, but don't worry, it will be many more than that very soon."

She continues, "the first thing we are going to change is your foul mouth.  Starting now you are forbidden from swearing.  I don't really care whether you swear or not, but this is about control.  I want you thinking at all times to be careful what comes out of your mouth.  Anytime you swear, you will be punished.  If you swear and use a derogatory word for a woman, you will be punished in a much more extreme fashion.  Male slaves don't get to call women names."  Apparently me being called out by Mistress for calling a bad woman driver a twat got into my dreams.

She continued with her speech.  "The 2nd behavior we are going to change is your driving.  I am no longer going to beg and plead with you to drive in a manner that doesn't scare me.  Starting today, when I tell you to drive safer you will not talk back and you will immediately change the way you are driving.  Your driving often scares me.  If you try to drive that way any more, it's you who will be scared and fearful."

"Lastly we are going to change how much you drink.  I am not anti-alcohol, this is again about my control over you.  Starting today, you will ask for permission to drink any alcohol.  This includes when we go out.  You will also ask for permission any time you would like a refill.  Expect me to say 'no' often.  Expect me to let you have one or 2 and then no more.  Expect me to have you serve me wine while you are forbidden to drink anything.  The best part is that we will use D/s to make you healthier."

The dream has one more element to it, but it kept changing as I had the dream.  Mistress told me that I would be wearing a uniform around the house at all times.  The uniform started as something you would expect a guy to wear in gym class or basic training.  A white shirt, white shorts white socks and tennis shoes.  It was meant to signify my training.  The other outfit was a maids dress, but not the kind one would fantasize about.  It was meant to signify my service to her in a non-sexual way.

Mistress also told me that I am to wear a pink collar with a bell on it whenever I am home to remind both her and me of my place in our relationship.  

I awoke from the dream aroused but confused.  The dream was completely non-sexual.  There was no real D/s element to it other than what was threatened.  I am certain the arousal came from the control aspect of it since it was not really sexual in any way.  It's also possible the arousal was due to my chastity device that has not been removed for nearly a week, and that was just to change devices.  

As I tried to fall back to sleep, my mind raced with the thought of Mistress implementing these changes or others she may have up her sleeve.  The idea of using my submissiveness to her (and our) benefit is hot.  Changing some of my core behaviors to make them less annoying to her or even non-existent is a submissive man's dream.  Or at least this submissive man's dream.     

       
If you enjoy reading this blog, please leave a comment.  Mistress and I enjoy reading the comments, ideas and feedback from our audience.  I will reply to everyone as soon as I can. 

Follow up - Checklist and Punishment

So I believe that Mistress has embraced the checklist I created.  She apparently has worked on some changes including some work related tasks to reduce my work stress.  I am still waiting to see what changes she has made and how she intends to implement it as well as how the punishments will be handled.

We did banter about it a bit last night.  I got the feeling that instant correction is not on her list.  I understand that.  I think a blend of instant correction (for serious infractions) and accumulated correction (for less serious or for training purposes) is ideal, but this is her decision.  In fact, that's what I like about it.  I gave her a blue print and she can choose to use it or not.  I am truly at her mercy and that's how I want it to be.

That being said I will continue to communicate my thoughts on the checklist and what I hope we can both gain from using it.

  There are certain tasks and requirements that I want to be 'set in stone'.  Those are the No Tolerance items and the Infractions section of the checklist.  In my mind the entire No Tolerance list should be marked with a Y or a W (for waived).  If even one item's box is blank on that day I have earned some degree of punishment.  These items are things that I believe are the bare minimum of things I must do.  A couple of them are meant to challenge me, such as PM femininity and keeping my toenail polish updated.  I have a real challenge coming home from the office early and getting dressed in feminine attire.  My libido is less in the afternoon so I have a hard time coming to terms with doing it even though deep down I want to.  That's the reason I put it on the list.  I hope Mistress keeps it on the list and enforces it.  As for the toenail polish, that's meant to be a nit-picky requirement.  I have been known to let my polish get ugly.  By having it on the list I have made it a priority for me to maintain it and Mistress to monitor compliance before it gets ugly.

The infraction section would work the same way.  If there is ever a Y in one of these boxes, I have earned a correction.  Technically these are No Tolerance items as well, but they are items that should not occur.

Lastly the "Optional Task" section.   I can easily see some items shifting to or from each section based on Mistress' desires, this was just a template.  I created this section to give more of a 'points' approach to the list.  Also many of these would depend on the type of day we had so I believe some flexibility was preferable.  In reality this list could be added to the No Tolerance section.  Mistress could require every single item on it to be done daily.  That would certainly make me take notice.  I would certainly feel more slave like if I couldn't choose to not do some of these items.        

Here is how I imagine this playing out on a day-to day basis.  Mistress will be the only one allowed to fill out the list.  I can even imagine of a few inspection periods throughout the day to ensure compliance.  I imagine the erotic humiliation of having to display my perfume, panties, butt plug, collar and toenails so those items can be checked off.  I imagine Mistress assigning a protocol.  Something as simple as kneeling and kissing each foot.  It would only take 10 seconds but it would set a tone for the day.  During the day, Mistress would complete the list as she saw fit.  Before bed, Mistress would complete the list and maybe that would be the bedtime protocol.  I would kneel at her feet while she completed the list.

As I wrote the previous few paragraphs something new came to mind.  Maybe the "Optional Tasks" section is the pleasure section while the other 2 sections are the obedience and punishment section.  While the other 2 sections have a punishment aspect to them and therefore my desire to have no leniency for them, the Optional Section could have a reward.  One carrot section and two stick sections.  I would have to earn a certain number of points per day/week/month to be rewarded with a bondage session that I like.  I imagine punishment sessions happening more or less weekly and reward sessions happening bi-weekly, monthly or when I have earned enough points.

In closing I want to let Mistress know that I am looking forward to this experiment.  I want Mistress to know that I am 100% bought into this and will do my best.  I will be challenged and will have to deal with some insecurities but I want Mistress to have the utmost confidence that this is what I really, really want.  For lack of a better term, I am begging that monitoring and enforcement will be very strict and punishments very real and very severe.  I don't know if I can cry, but that is the type punishment I expect to endure.  The fear I have felt over the last couple of sessions have made me melt with a desire to serve.  Additionally I want this to work for Mistress.  I want her to feel like I am providing true service to her.  None of this matters if her needs are not being met and if the reward for her is not worth her effort.  If anything needs to be changed, added or dropped to make Mistress happy than I am all for it.  She is my Goddess!

          

   

Checklist and Punishment

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Getting back to 'normal'

It's been nearly a month since I wore anything feminine.  Last night at bedtime, Mistress made me go put on a nighty.  Apparently I needed a little push as I hadn't done it on my own.  She also told me I had to start wearing my perfume today as well as items under my work clothes.  I managed to sleep in my new chastity device last night, which woke me up with a few hardons.  When I woke up this morning, I put on my perfume.  It was powerful to say the least as I instantly decided to dress fully this morning even though it wasn't yet required.  Not only that, but I went all out.  I am in a black bra, black see through blouse, black skirt and my 6 inch black pumps with ankle straps.  The perfume goes straight to my brain and affects me in some very powerful way.  While I enjoyed the comfort of my male clothes I have to admit, I like the femininity as well as the challenge of wearing heels and other less comfortable clothes.  It fucks with my mind in all the right ways.

As we were falling asleep last night, Mistress teased my locked up cock and told me not to worry, we would be having normal sex again soon.  I asked what that meant and she told me we would be having sex that gave her orgasms, implying that I won't be cumming any time soon.  I really can't blame her.  When I cum I lose the desire and lust that makes me a slutty submissive.  I become a bit belligerent and harder to deal with.  By keeping me from having an orgasm she keeps me in the right frame of mind.  By us having frequent sex and making my focus about her pleasure, we both win.  It's been 46 days since my last orgasm of which 17 days were due to circumstances beyond our control.  In case anyone is feeling sorry for me, at this point last year I only had 2 orgasms.  I've already had 3 this year.

Mistress tweaked one of our protocols the other day.  In the past, I would get up and get her coffee prepared by getting the machine all set up so that all she had to do was hit the button when she got up.  I was able to keep working at my desk.  Now when she gets up, I have to prepare the coffee and serve it to her on the sofa.  Yesterday it was no big deal, but I just heard her get up.  I realized that I won't get to hide my feminine outfit behind my desk.  I will soon have to get up and work in the kitchen and serve her.  Just like a desperate feminized slut should be doing.

I like the extra protocol and am yearning for Mistress to clamp down on me and to make my life a bit more difficult.  To make sure I am doing all that is required of me and to hold me accountable, makes me feel owned and safe.

         

Post Orgasm Thoughts

The other night Mistress and I were going to bed.  I really hadn't anticipated sex of any sort, but after a minute of kissing and fondling each other, Mistress wanted my cock inside of her.  I got on top of her (I still had my nighty on) and put my cock inside her.  Mistress reached up under my nighty and pinched my nipples.  There is something about still being dressed in my nighty when we have sex that makes me feel very submissive.  It had been 10 days since my last orgasm so I was certainly on the upper end of being aroused.  Unfortunately I was just a bit too sensitive to go very long inside Mistress.  Once she sensed this I was given the order to cum.  I was so close to the edge at the time, there was no way I was going to deny myself this opportunity.  After I came I prayed that Mistress wouldn't make me eat my cum out of her.  After about 30 seconds she told me to clean her out.  I put my mouth on her pussy and my tongue inside her and started scooping my cum out of her with my tongue.  At the time I so didn't want to do it, and even thinking about doing it now makes me cringe a bit.  But at the same time my cock just got super hard writing about it.  The act doesn't turn me on, but being forced to do it does.  After about 20 seconds of me cleaning up my cum, Mistress told me to put my fingers inside her.  As I brought her close to orgasm she told me to keep licking as she was going to cum in my mouth.  10 seconds later she was gushing on my face as she had an orgasm.  I kept working my fingers inside her as she told me to keep licking.  After another half minute or so, she told me we were done.  I was well used at that point.

As I cleaned myself off, I realized I had post orgasm drop. I was still in my nighty and went through a bit of shame as I always do.  That's one of the reasons I like to deny my orgasms as much as possible.  I woke up the next morning still let down a bit.  Because of this I was reluctant to get myself dressed in feminine clothes in the morning.  However since I am committed to doing as I am told and really wishing to be pushed harder in this lifestyle, I reluctantly got dressed.  Just this act got my libido up a bit.  I was still a bit too down to post to this blog, but I was trending in the right direction.  I still wore panties and a camisole at work so I had that in my mind all day.  This morning I again got dressed feminine and obviously my libido is up enough to post.  Replaying the other night as I write this has me hard and horny.

I will always have orgasm drop.  By Mistress putting these rules and protocols in place the drop doesn't last long.  In the past I would rebel a bit after an orgasm.  I would "forget" orders she would give me before I came.  As I disobeyed, Mistress would pull back as I appeared to be disinterested, and our D/s lifestyle would go in reverse.  Now that I have rules in place, and Mistress has demonstrated she will punish me instead of pulling back, I feel like we have momentum.  There is something to be said about pushing even harder after an orgasm.  Making me submit when my libido is down is a great mind fuck.  

Now that I have had my orgasm I want to keep working on being intimate as much as possible so that I can focus on Mistress' pleasure.  I love being used by Mistress and not having her take my pleasure into account.  I have had a long held fantasy of being a sex slave and this really goes a long way toward that.  My purpose is to please her and be used as she sees fit.

Here are a couple more outfits that I have been wearing.  I am trying to wear something new each day but that gets harder as I get deeper into my closet.

     

Mental Effects

When I woke up this morning, I wasn't in much of sexual mood.  I had zero intention of writing a blog post today.  I didn't sleep well and for whatever reason my libido was down.  I still have a rule that I must wear women's clothes when I am in the house, so my intention was to wear jeans and a casual top of some sort with some flat shoes.  When I got to the extra bedroom and saw my feminine clothes in the closet something clicked in my mind.  I have been trying to dress in ways that please Mistress as well as in ways that get her mind running with things to do to me.  To keep Mistress' mind racing, I decided it was in my best interest to dress better than jeans.  I picked out a black and white animal print blouse, black skirt and high heels.  I then fed the dog, emptied the dishwasher and loaded the dishwasher, all in my outfit.

I have to confess that I went from nearly zero libido to 8-9 in short order.  There is something erotic about waking up and first thing doing things I consider submissive and humiliating.  Wearing these clothes and doing chores in towering high heels went straight to my submissive libido.  These rules and protocols Mistress has me following makes it hard to slip out of subspace for very long.  When I have written posts in the past about protocols, I wrote more for it's kinky aspect.  However after this morning, I can see protocols having a long lasting mental effect that keeps me in a particular state of mind.  The same goes with wearing a nighty every night or when I am in chastity.  In the case of dressing up, and doing chores as my first acts of the day, I am essentially starting my day in submissive mode.  Instead of me waking up and having a kinky laundry list of things running through my mind, I am quickly put in my place and redirected into serving submissively.  As it is now, I am constantly reminded of my place.  Whether it be first thing in the morning, or getting ready for bed.  Whether it's when I am at work and I see my panties when I go to the bathroom, or when I come back home and have to change back into a dress.  Whether I am in chastity or have a large plug in my ass, I am constantly reminded of being Mistress' slave.  I hate to admit it, but the more she puts on my plate the harder it is to deny what I have become.  That's a good thing.

Yesterday was a different story.  I woke up with my libido on 12.  I dressed about as slutty as I could. I dressed in a black bra, plaid panties, white blouse, plaid schoolgirl skirt, white knee highs with bows and black mary jane platform heels.  Typing that out made me blush.  Mistress had ordered me to wear a wig, so that added to my humiliation.  My libido stayed pretty high yesterday.  In fact, it would start dropping off as I hid behind my desk working, but every time I had to get up to do something, I was instantly reminded of what I was wearing.  My humiliation and libido would peak each time.  Getting up and having to show myself is a pretty good mind fuck.

 

     

Force and Helplessness

I spent a good deal of yesterday reading blogs while waiting at the airport and on my plane.  There is one I have mentioned a few times https://msscarletuk.wordpress.com/  In their blog they chronicle the abuse she puts her slave through.  As I read I got pretty hot and bothered.  What got me going wasn't the actual activities she did to him, it's that she has him so controlled.  Now a 1-2 hour scene is hot, but she puts him through much more.  She will tie him down for 3-4 or more hours.  He can't move.  He can't see or hear anything.  She tortures his cock with stinging nettles and/or muscle cream like Icy-Hot or Tiger Balm.  I have had both on my cock and neither are something I would ask for again.  She uses those dental brushes on the inside of his cock.  She also puts a funnel gag in his mouth and puts frozen pee cubes or frozen cum cubes in the funnel so that the liquids drip slowly into his mouth for hours.  Now the worst part.  For the most part she ignores him.  She comes into the room, tortures his cock for 5-10 minutes and leaves the room.  The burning from the nettles or cream last for an hour or so and she comes back in and reapplies the torture and leaves again.  The rest of the time he is alone.  He is left to just lie there and endure and panic about her next arrival.  His cock burning.  His mouth being violated by nasty flavors for hours. I imagine his mind is a mess afterward.  I'll bet he panics the next time he starts to get tied up.

Other blogs I read have men getting their asses beat until they are in tears.  Some guys are in chastity for months.  Others are feminized 100% at home and some outside of the home. There are a few sadistic women out there and it seems to be growing in popularity.

So much of how these guys are treated scares the heck out of me, but at the same time it excites so much.  To be taken past where it's "fun" and to where it's "real".  To obey and serve not only because I want to, but because I am afraid of what will happen if I don't.  To have freedoms taken away.  To be controlled past the point of where I can pull back control.  While I am certain that it would suck in a lot of ways to be that controlled makes my head spin.

My cage experience of last month is the most I felt like I had no control.  Wearing women's clothes full time is another way that makes me do something I may not feel like doing.  I have recently started fantasizing about Mistress starting to make me do things she knows I hate just for the sake of making me do it.  Putting me in the cage for no reason.  Having me do work around the house while she supervises. Hurting my body past where it's fun for me.  Punishing just fr the sake of keeping the dynamic on place.  I'm turned on by the thought of wanting something to stop and Mistress refuses telling me that I am in too deep now for it to stop.      

There were some quotes I took away from the blog mentioned above.

He has a submissive soul. He cannot be content without being controlled and dominated. If he is treated with cruelty, that is a clear reinforcement of how helpless his situation is and it increases his sense of being controlled. He truly hates many of his punishments, my tortures, his humiliations and his endless chores.  BUT, I know his soul is content. There are little signs. Not least of which, his worship and awe of me. If your man is truly submissive (and so many are) he will never actually be truly content without true domination – be warned.

Your man needs to feel 100% helpless and trapped. This is easy to achieve. For instance, start playing some bondage games and /or dress up games. Take a photo or two. Put the photos on a flash drive/memory stick and hide it away, or just tell him you have done so. Threaten to send the photos to someone or several people he would dread receiving them. Explain you have changed fundamentally and now cannot enjoy or contemplate the relationship without being the dominant partner and so you are 100% serious. Leave him in no doubt. A submissive man will be in awe of your actions and threats, especially if he knows the threats are not idle. Other men will quickly accept the situation. Like a wolf or chimpanzee in a pack, when a man knows his place in the hierarchy he is at ease.

Begin conditioning. Men, like Pavlov’s dogs, can be conditioned over time. You can move their sense of reality. Punish infractions with punishments that he is truly frightened of and desperate to avoid. Over time, doing all the chores becomes a normal (though dull) part of his life and there is an acceptance in him that that is the way it is. The same phenomenon applies to waiting on you hand-and-foot and to his restricted sexual relief and freedom. Get a chastity device. One involving a piercing is best. You will soon begin to experience the rush of having true power over another human being. Power is a huge rush and an aphrodisiac. It has been enjoyed, as such, by men over women for millennia, now women can enjoy it and become aroused and satisfied by it too.


Begin to experiment with your cruelty and sadism. In my early years of dominance, I could not bring myself to accept that I was a sadist. I found the word to be very distasteful. I was still foolishly fettered by society’s norms and standards. But after frequent experiences of intense arousal while inflicting physical or mental pain on my bitch-boy, I accepted that I was a sadist and that I loved sadism. Perhaps it is simply that sadistic activity signifies true power and it is the power that is the aphrodisiac? I don’t know or care.

I know that this can't happen overnight.  I'm not even sure I would want the level of control that is in some of these blogs, but I sure would like to go in that direction.  In the meantime I can vicariously live through their blog.  

Collars, Control and Orgasms

I've worn a collar on and off for the last 6 years.  It's very deniable and looks good, but it really shows when I wear a t-shirt.  People ask about it but no one really gets what it symbolizes.  The one I wear is this one https://wyredslave.com/product/ouroboros-collar-5mm-14-stainless-steel/  Sometimes when I wear it for long periods of time, it seems routine.  Also, Mistress never really comments on it, so I end up with doubts and negative self-talk about wearing the collar.  The result is that I will take it off for long periods of time.  Mistress may notice, but I don't really know as she doesn't mention it.  The other day Mistress told me I needed to be wearing my collar at all times except when bathing.  I keep my body shaved, so being able to remove the collar at will is a nice option.  The problem is it also allows me to remove it when I get insecure.  Since I want to delve deeper into this lifestyle I used the "key" that came with the collar to lock it on.  I then took that key, and taped it into an envelope and sealed it shut.  I gave the envelope to Mistress for her to write on it in her handwriting so that we have a tamper proof way for me to have access to the key if she wishes.  Since it is now locked on, the collar feels different.  The only way it is coming off now is for us to have a discussion.  I like that.

What this also made me realize is that for the last 6 years I have had control over when I wore the collar.  It;s a tiny bit of control, but I hadn't fully relinquished it.  That has made me realize that I tend to do that much more than I realized.  Whether it's wearing feminine items, maintaining my nail polish, doing tasks, following rules, cleaning up my cum with my tongue, I still manage to have some control over the situation.  That makes it hard to truly submit.  So now I will be looking for ways to give up that last bit of control I desperately cling to.  I think a large part of my past disobedience in the past can be tied to me fighting giving up that last tiny bit of control.  I really look forward to giving it up and seeing where that takes us.  As they say, you aren't truly submitting until you are doing things you don't want to do, just to please your Domme.

Lastly, it has been almost a month since I have cum.  The last week has certainly seen my libido increase by leaps and bounds.  Last night while trying to get to sleep I realized that my orgasms are unnecessary.  Sure, I like them, but I have learned to enjoy the lack of them even more.  The chemicals that build up in my system from not cumming.  The constant yearning.  The more deep and dark my fantasies become.  These are all more important to me than having an orgasm.  I think of TV shows and movies where the bad guys give their prisoner or hostage drugs to make them confess or to make them more controllable.  In my case, the drugs are all natural, but they certainly make me easier to control and more agreeable to what Mistress wants.  An orgasm is the only thing that seems to screw that up.  Now while I want to give up a majority of my orgasms, I don't want to give them all up.  You have to know what you are missing to really miss it.  That also doesn't mean I don't want to give up having my cock inside Mistress as much as possible.  In fact I have been reading about ways to train myself to not cum, while giving Mistress as many orgasms as possible, with my cock,  It just involves training myself to slow down and push though the need to cum.  Apparently guys can have an orgasm (or multiple) without ejaculating and the inevitable drop that occurs.  This woman talks about having her husband trained to give her dozens of orgasms with his cock and him not cumming at all for months.  http://flr101.blogspot.com/2016/07/introduction-female-led-relationship-wife-led-marriage-flr-wlm.html

To me that would be the holy grail.

Moving forward again

Over the last couple of days I worked on a BDSM checklist to give to Mistress.  It has been a good 5 years since I have done one and I was interested in how it would come out.  The checklist was very detailed and made me consider many things I wouldn't think of on my own necessarily.  I was especially candid and I surprised myself with how many things I would actually consider doing.  Since doing that checklist my mind has been filled with so many scenarios that my mind is a hot mess.  Last night I had trouble falling asleep and this morning I awoke early and couldn't go back to sleep because I cannot shut off my submissive brain.  My libido is in overdrive.

To add to it, Mistress has started coming up with some rules/protocols for me to follow.  Many I should have already been doing.  I am excited to see what else she comes up with, and a little concerned what else will be added to the list.  That being said, I expect some challenges and to be pushed.  However at the end of the day I want Mistress to really get something out of this dynamic.  One thing I can't get out of my head is a post I read while researching the protocol topic.  The Master made a numbered list of rules for his female slave to follow.  He had her record the list of rules in her voice on her phone.  He would then tie her down for hours at a time while blindfolded and made her listen to the rules repeat over and over until she learned them by heart.  It took a few sessions, but eventually he could pick a number and she would be able to recite the rule word for word.  She had no excuses to not know the rules after that.

There is one thing that appears to be happening that I didn't expect.  Mistress appears to be making my wearing women's clothes at home a permanent situation.  Last month, when I wore women's clothes in the house for an entire week, I thought it was a one time thing.  This requirement has started back up and I don't get the feeling it's going to end any time soon.  Now I don't mind it, but it's definitely one of those "be careful what you wish for" moments.  It certainly hits me somewhere deep in my mind.  If this is the route we are going, I feel unprepared for it.  I need to bulk up my wardrobe, especially for winter.  Much of what I own in women's wear shows too much skin to be warm.  If I am going to do this, I want to do it right.  I need to start a list! Additionally, if I am to be dressing this way around the house for the rest of my life I could afford to purge many of my male items to make room for women's items.  In reality I only need a couple pairs of pajama bottoms for when we have company overnight.  Everything else can go to Goodwill.  Getting rid of most of my casual male clothes, talk about a mind fuck.

I am excited where this is headed.  I am looking forward to being Mistress' well trained slave that does her bidding without question.

  

Life gets in the way

It's been 3 weeks since my last orgasm.  I'd like to say it's due to some wild and kinky long term scene Mistress and I have been playing out.  In reality I have had some health issues come up that have precluded any real kink and has even taken my mind out of the kink space for some time.

Starting today that changes until I have to go back for additional treatment.  I can honestly say that I am feeling better than I have since early August.  The last few days my mind has going back to my happy place.  I have been fantasizing about Femdom related activities and have been slowly catching up on some blogs.  Today I find myself back in feminine wear whenever I am at home and in feminine wear under my male clothes when I go out.

Having a health scare has put some things into perspective.  Mistress and I are working on making our lives a little more simple.  Long term plans are to get out of the rat race and live somewhere cheap and relaxing.  I also hope to live with me more and more as a dedicated servant to my Mistress.  I've realized that this lifestyle suits us and I want to go deeper into my submission.  10 years from now I don't want to look back and wish I was a better slave.  I want to be that slave today and I want Mistress to totally get off on owning me and making me do whatever her heart desires.

As part of going deeper into submission, I have been fantasizing about rituals and routines.  Being dressed in feminine wear is a good start.  It's hard to maintain a tough guy attitude when I am in frilly clothes.  I am back to making Mistress coffee every morning.  I still imagine more D/s type protocols.  I'd rather Mistress find protocols that work for her but I still go back to kneeling and kissing her feet.  I found a quote about a woman's perspective on her slave kissing her feet, "she told me that at first this made her uncomfortable, then she thought it was "sweet," then she came to expect it!"  

To me a protocol is something to always keep my mind thinking submissively.  From kissing feet to opening card doors to kneeling when she snaps her fingers, any "forgetting" is dealt with until it becomes second nature.

Lastly, I'd like to thank Paltego at http://www.femdom-resource.com/ for mentioning this blog on his blog.  I have read his site for many years so getting mentioned was a nice surprise.  It also gave my blog a nice little readership bump.