Wife Coming Home Today

 Mistress comes home today.  As soon as I get up I have my final chores to complete.  I keep my nighty on and spray some perfume on my chest to keep my head spinning with feminine overtones.  One of my tasks in our female-led relationship is that I have to change the sheets weekly.  I strip the bed and put new sheets on the bed.  They have a very strong feminine scent from their last wash.  The scent is a laundry detergent that we jokingly call 'whore juice' due to its powerful smell.

After making the bed, I put the dirty sheets in the wash.  I then fold and put away all of the feminine clothes I wore during the week.  I just happened to wash those in whore juice as well.

Now all I have to do is wait for the time lock app on my phone to reveal the code to the safe so I can take off my chastity device.  If it were up to me, I'd stay locked until Mistress noticed I was locked and told me to unlock, but I don't want to be a pushy bottom.

The code is revealed to me a little after 10AM so I remove my device, and clean and dry it.  I take off my collar and wait for Mitress's plane to arrive so I can pick her up.

It was a good week.  I got to experience some bondage that ended up being more challenging than planned.  Being locked in chastity for 8 days, plugged, feminized, and my nipples raw and sore made for a very horny slave.  Doing chores while in this state, made the work mentally easier and exciting.

Mistress Going Out Of Town

 Mistress is going out of town soon to handle some family matters at the end of the week and she'll be gone for a week. Not only do we live together, but we also work together, so we are together 24/7 day in and day out.  The most time we spend apart is an hour here and there.  So her being gone, will be an unusual amount of time apart.

When Mistress does leave, I have some time to do some playing by myself.  This includes some additional feminization, playing with some toys I rarely ever play with, self-bondage, lots of edging, and because I can't control myself, I end up overstimulating myself and have a few unauthorized orgasms. It's been over 12 weeks since my last orgasm and I don't want to ruin my orgasm-free streak.  Being orgasm free has helped me stay in service mode. While I want to play, I also need to take some precautions to make sure I can't accidentally cum while Mistress is away.  

Here is what I have planned so far and am open to any ideas from my audience.

• Locking myself in chastity if Mistress doesn't lock me up. 
• Locking the keys in a small safe and using an app to hide the combination for a week
• Locking the Hitachi vibrator in the safe as well.  I can cum in chastity with the Hitachi 
• Toenails painted - debating between pink or blue
• Fingernails painted clear
• Something in my ass for a minimum of an hour a day. Plug, dildo, prostate massager, ginger root
• Lot's of time wearing nipple clamps
• Feminine attire in the house the entire time
• At least one several-hour self-bondage session
• At least one predicament self-bondage session
• At least one deep-throat practice session
• Daily line writing
• Attempt to have an anal orgasm since I won't be able to cum normally
• One self-spanking session - day one or 2 as I intend to leave marks on my body
• Chores. When Mistress returns home, the house will sparkle from top to bottom.  My goal is to show her how clean I can keep the house if she keeps encouraging me.
• Collared the entire time
• Daily update of my activities here on my blog

Thank you to everyone who has been leaving comments on my blog.  It helps motivate me to keep posting.

The Submissive Paradox

I have learned a lot about my submissive side over the last 10 months.  Here is where I have failed over the last 30+ years of being a submissive. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.  That's a problem if one wants to be in a true female-led relationship  The only one that should be able to have cake and eat it, is Mistress. The slave gets only what Mistress wants the slave to have.  I tried to make it about me more than her.

This leads me to what Mistress Scarlet https://msscarletuk.wordpress.com/ calls the Submissive Paradox.  Here is the absolute best explanation that I have finally (after 35 years) come to understand and accept.  I underlined the sections that really speak to me

‘If you love your submissive and you wish to be kind to your submissive and have him sleep the most sound and contented sleep they can ever know, then the saying -‘you have to be cruel to be kind’, is the mantra by which you must live. 

The deeply submissive is a paradox. They need to feel helplessly in the control of another. That entails feeling that they are treated unfairly when it comes to things like the allocation of chores and leisure time. It means they have to be genuinely very fearful and frightened of the punishments that are given in response to infractions. It also means they have to be subjected to pain and humiliation that they do not enjoy. It is only when they are genuinely fearful of punishment for infractions and when they suffer pain and humiliation and unfairness they genuinely would rather not experience, that they feel truly controlled and in the helpless power of another. And without feeling truly controlled and in the helpless power of another, they can NEVER be wholly content with their lives. 

So real love and kindness for a true submissive does not mean going easy on them in any way, or being fair with them – that causes discontent and unhappiness and is not being kind.

In turn, the dominant woman is hooked on the addictive and arousing drug of using and abusing real power, over her male.

That's the paradox. Being cruel is being nice.  That doesn't mean 24/7 whip-wielding. Mistress can be nice, kind, and helpful when she wants to be, but also needs to be truly cruel for the submissive to feel loved and contented. Also, being cruel in a way the submissive wants is counter-productive.  This has been my problem for years. Wanting to be dominated my way and not realizing it didn't work for Mistress means it really wasn't working for me.  Here are some day-to-day examples of the paradox when I think of how it affects me.

Orgasm Control - I want to cum when I want to cum. When Mistress controls and denies my orgasms, I don't really like it. Unfortunately, that's when I get immensely turned on.  Being submissive means that the more my orgasms are controlled the more I am in awe of Mistress.  Orgasm control doesn't necessarily mean denial, it just means that I don't have a say in it.  On the flip side, being forced to orgasm multiple times until it's impossible to cum is another form of control.

Chastity - Chastity isn't just about orgasm control, it's about total control.  Being locked and having Mistress mostly ignore it shouldn't be arousing, but it is.  This is especially true now with my new perspective and I can see being locked 99.9% of the time for the rest of my life.  If I ever ask or beg to be unlocked, denying that request seems cruel but it's not. It’s kind based on the Submissive Paradox.  I am pretty good on the honor system, but not good enough.  

Chores - Chores have to be done.  That's what happens in relationships. Many would say that equal distribution of chores is necessary for a healthy relationship.  The Submissive Paradox says otherwise. The more unequal the chores are, the better it is for the Mistress/Slave dynamic.  Don't misunderstand this.  I don't want to do more chores and I don't enjoy them, but something happens inside my brain when Mistress makes me do chores. The idea of an endless list of chores is overwhelming and therefore powerful. Making the chores more difficult or humiliating makes them worse and therefore makes it better.   

Personal Service - In this relationship, Mistress should think of herself as a ruler of her kingdom (like Cleopatra) and me as just one of her lowly slaves. Waking Mistress up as she wishes to be woken.  Coffee service in the morning (me handing it to her).  Holding doors. Pedicures at her feet. Turning down her bed in the evening. Serving her drinks during the day. Fetching things for her that she could easily get for herself, but increases the dynamic.  The list of personal services is never-ending and I should be doing as many as Mistress wishes.

e

Feminization - The only hair on my body are my eyebrows.  I wear a nighty every night. Most nights I am good with it, but some nights I feel silly and not manly.  It's these nights where the nighty is the most powerful.  Wearing panties is the same story.  I used to occasionally wear female deodorant and now it's all I ever wear.  Nail polish is one of those things that can’t be removed easily and is a constant reminder. All of these things create some level of humiliation which again, explains the Submissive Paradox.  Mistress recently threatened me with feminization while I clean and that makes me blush with shame but also makes me in awe of her for making me endure it.  The more feminization I endure the less in control I am and the more  I want to obey. 

Punishment - It's been a very long time since I have been punished.  Also, I don't know that I have ever been truly punished by Mistress (other than stopping D/s activities).  Without the Submissive Paradox, a true and proper beating seems abusive.  With the Submissive Paradox, a beating where I am truly begging for it to end and fearing it ever being repeated would be deeply effective and arousing.  I don’t want to be punished but I want to truly fear Mistress so that I have no choice but to obey. Punishment doesn’t have to be a beating either. Removal of privileges. Punishments you’d give a child or teenager.  The list is extensive.

Mind-Fuckery - The Submissive Paradox really shines here. Fucking with a slaves mind just for the sake of it. Taking something that they find pleasurable and making it unpleasurable. Pushing them slighly further than they think they can take. Punishing for absolutely no reason. Turning a funishment into a punishment.  Making him do a chore over that he just did. Creating a task that serves no purpose other than to fuck with the submissive. Leaving a mess just to have the slave clean it up. I think of it as bullying. Having to suck it up while being treated unfairly would suck, but it would also push all sorts of buttons inside me.  Again, it’s the Submissive Paradox.

I’d love your opinion on this post.  As a submissive do you feel the same way?  As a dominant, does it make sense?  If you’re vanilla and somehow reading this, what are your thoughts?e

New Take On Chastity

I got my first chastity device for Christmas in 1999.  It was a CB-2000.  What a terrible device it was, but what an opening it was into this world.  A few years later I 'upgraded' to the CB-6000, which was marginally better.  A few years later I was fortunate enough to get a custom device from Steelwerx in Canada.  It's a piece of art and priced like a piece of fine art.  I got a Prince Albert Piercing to make the device more secure.  That was my most comfortable device for the longest time, but looking back it was far too large.  It's not the fault of the designer, it's what chastity devices were back in the 2005-2010 era.  After 20+ years of chastity, most chastity connoisseurs seem to agree that the smaller the device the better.  There is less room for things to adjust and get pinched.  Smaller devices are more secure.  With my piercing, I need a small device to keep my piercing from getting pulled on when bending over and my penis tries to pull back.

As I write this, I am back in chastity and I am wearing my most comfortable device.  It's a Chinese knockoff of the amazing design from Rigid Chastity. It has a hook that keeps my piercing secure so that I can’t pull out the back of the device. I wish it were about a half-inch shorter, but I don't want to go through the hassle and expense of another device.  Other than the common lock it's inescapable. It's been well over a month since I had an orgasm which is the longest I have gone in the last several years.

I am treating chastity differently for the first time in my life.  In the past I made it about me and if I was locked I demanded attentions to it. If Mistress wasn't actively involved in my lock up or in D/s I became resentful.  I am now taking this lockup period as a symbol of my servitude. As penance for my last 13 years of pushy bottom behavior.  In other words I deserve to be locked indefinitely.  Over the last several years I have snuck off into the bathroom to rub one out while Mistress slept or masturbated while in the shower. This is not conducive for a submissive who wants his Mistress to take on a more dominant role.  My orgasms are not mine to have on a whim.  They are up to Mistress to allow me to have them or not.  I am pretty good on the honor system but even then I fail 1%-2% of the time.  I get drunk and horny and wait until Mistress goes to bed so I can cum.  I wake up horny every single morning and occasionally it's too much for me and I will rub one out before Mistress wakes up.  Other times I feel "owed" and will cum in the shower without Mistress knowing.  While I am chaste 98% of the time on the honor system, I need 100% chastity to make sure I don't fail 2% of the time.  This time around I go out of my way to make sure my chastity is not a burden on Mistress.  I don't complain, I don't beg, I don't make it about me, I make it about servitude. In turn, she barely acknowledges my situation which makes it harder and hotter.  Sometimes I think she forgets that I am locked up as she is so nonchalant about it.  In the past, this would have really bothered me, but with the servitude and control I am yearning for.  If I wasn’t locked these past 11 days I would have snuck off at least once and had an unauthorized orgasm. The I would be less horny and start slacking in my duties. Chasity works!

Doing chores, locked up in chastity, Mistress ignoring my situation.  It's amazing how something that would have angered me in the past is now turning me on.  It's true what they say about changing your midset.  

I am learning to enjoy the fact that I am locked up solely for control and not for some kinky fantasy.  It is my intention to make my chastity as easy for Mistress to enforce as possible.  It's my hope that she gets aroused knowing that I am 100% chaste for as long as she chooses.  That being said I would love to cum in her terms. Whether it’s a full on orgasm with her, a ruined orgasm from her or a humiliating show she would make me put on, an occasional orgasm give a little bit of hope to keep me motivated.  I guess a tease, edge and denial would do the same thing. 

 

Motivational Quotes

 The week has started slower than I had hoped.  When I made my last post, Mistress and I were on vacation.  We didn't really have an opportunity to put my devotion to servitude to the test.  Now that we are back, I am slightly embarrassed to just jump in and just start doing things.  Mistress has also cautioned me about moving too quickly so that is in the back of my mind.  As much as I want to do everything, I also need a little bit of a push to tell me it's OK to submit.  I also don't want to be a pushy bottom and want to make sure when I do submit, it doesn't come across this way.  Here is a quote that I was able to share with Mistress as to my mindset.  I'm paraphrasing.

"While it might seem like a small difference, it's a massive difference in the mind of a submissive.  Saying that the chores need to be done vs. 'you' need to do the chores, flips a switch in the submissive mind."

That being said, Mistress hasn't had to touch a dish or clean anything.  So far this week I have stripped the bed and cleaned the sheets and duvet cover.  I make Mistress's coffee every morning (I've been doing this for years).  I make the bed as soon as Mistress awakes and I have done all the dishes as they hit the sink.  Yesterday I spent 2 hours cleaning the bathroom from top to bottom until it shined.  For the most part, Mistress has sat comfortably in her chair reading and surfing the internet while I toil away.  

I imagine it's not necessarily easy for her.  For 13 years I have made it about me.  I have been in servitude mode before, but when she isn't acting or reacting in the way I would like her to I would get frustrated and stop.  This time I have to do it differently.  I have to serve with her in mind, not me.  She has to believe that this is for real and won't stop when it gets tough.  My goal is to do this so long and so well that it becomes her new normal.  Should I try to back off, she will recognize it and enforce this new normal.

Here is another quote that is so true.

"Getting what you want doesn't feel near as good as getting what I decide you deserve"

I have wanted to be treated a certain way for many years.  Does it feel good to get exactly what I want?  Absolutely.  What feels even better is to not get what I want because my Mistress has decided that for me.  Getting what I want makes me greedy.  Getting what Mistress decides, makes me horny.

If you have any motivational quotes or stories, please share them with me, even anonymously.  I'd greatly appreciate your help in pushing me through the tough times.