Sorry Submissive Requests Reset

I was recently looking to reminisce about the good old days of our female led relationship by looking back through this blog . I read through many of the posts  over the last several years.  I’m appalled by what I read.  It’s terrible. This is not the blog of a submissive. This is a blog of a pushy bottom. A blog about how not to act. A blog of what not to do. A blog of me asking my Mistress to be a kink dispenser. I’m terribly disappointed in how I’ve handled myself over the last 13 years. Actually make that the last 26+ years. I was a more insecure and pushy bottom with my ex-wife. No wonder she left me. 

I finally realize how bad I’ve been and I want to rectify this. Trying to continue down this same path is not the answer. I must force my submissive side to focus on serving my Mistress and stop focusing on my wants, needs and desires. After 26 years it’s crystal clear, that we can no longer accommodate what I want.

Just like a computer or cell phone that doesn’t work the way it should, I need a hard reboot.   A very hard reboot. Here’s what I am asking Mistress to do make us whole again. This post is at her request.  She asked me to write it, so that later when I'm questioning why she is being so controlling, she can remind me that this is all my idea. If you see anything that is me being a pushy bottom in this post, please call me out in the comments.

First and foremost. I am doing this willingly. I can stop it at any time but I recognize that if I do stop it, Mistress will no longer dominate me in any way, shape or form. I’m am going “all in” so that I can experience true submission and not my unrealistic fantasy world. If she is going to dominate me it has to be her way or not at all. This is not a game. 

My goal is to serve Mistress in any way possible. To make her life easier and to free up time for her to do as she pleases. I want to protect her, respect her, obey her, and place her needs before mine.  I will only make decisions that are delegated to me such as coming up with where to eat and what to do. My ideas may be vetoed and I must come up with backup plans. 

Service: It is my duty and I’m excited to pamper her, provide foot massages, pedicures, sexual servitude, and any other “personal service” she allows me the privilege to provide. I will also support her personal health goals. 

I respectfully request Mistress to be in full and complete control of me. I will fully relinquish my beliefs about what is good for me.  Mistress knows what I deserve.  I request her direction to be cruel, firm and unrelenting to make up for decades of my selfish behavior.

I respectfully request Mistress to come up with a set of rules that I promise to live by. I request Mistress to shift any and all the household chores to me. I request that my substantial free time be taken away so that I am not on my phone wasting valuable time that can be used serving Mistress and doing chores.

I would like Mistress to treat me as an unpaid, full time employee of Mistress Inc. I must follow the employee handbook, dress code, rules, code of ethics etc.  Any and all ‘free time’ will be filled with activities that benefit Mistress or others, as she sees fit.  

Regarding chores and tasks. I affirm that chores are not meant to be easy, or comfortable. If Mistress wants something done outside and it’s miserably hot, that should be of no concern. If Mistress chooses to make a chore harder, humiliating in some way, or makes me repeat it, I recognize that it’s meant to increase her dominance and my submission. Some tasks may simply be a test to see if I’ll cave when asked to do something especially challenging.  

Failure to obey and/or failure to exceed expectations will be punished.  I have no say in what the punishment is or what it looks like. I promise to accept punishment without complaint. 

I wish for Mistress to control the following items if she chooses. My spending, the food I can have (type and quantity), alcohol consumption, weight loss program, exercise, clothing, orgasms, chastity, screen time, phone access/privacy, free time, sleep, privacy, speech, etc.

I do not want to be treated fairly. I know it doesn’t make sense to a non-submissive, but being treated cruelly and unfairly is like a powerful drug and I yearn to be addicted to this drug. My ultimate wish is for Mistress to become aroused by making me miserable and making me suffer. The more I suffer the more turned on she gets. 

I also ask to not be forgiven for the last 13 years. How I treated Mistress as a tool for my kinks was disrespectful and does not warrant any forgiveness. I request Mistress remember how she felt all the times I made it about me as she plans our future. 

Bondage, teasing, denial, spankings, toys, chastity, clothing, etc are highly arousing to me and can be easily used to manipulate and control me, however  I recognize these items may do nothing for Mistress.  For this reason, I have no expectation of having any of those kinks indulged. If Mistress chooses to not use any of the above items, I humbly request verbal taunting of my situation to keep me in sub-space. 

I acknowledge that I will come to regret large parts of this new normal.  Regret and despair are what I have earned and deserve for the many years my poor behavior.  I fully accept this as being a necessary part of our dynamic as well as penance for the past.  If I’m only doing what I want, I will fail again. I desire true unrelenting control to have internal submissive peace. Even more than that, I desire Mistress to have her ideal submissive husband. I’m going to do everything I can to make this happen.

 

Back from hiatus

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Desires...

Some desires I have been thinking about but have not put in writing in some time.  I am doing this at the request of MBB.

My number one desire is to know what Mistress desires.  I always tell her my thoughts, but I really, really want to know what makes her hot.  I want to know what she thinks about when she gets herself off.  I want to know what she would make me do if she could.  Even if it does nothing from me, I want her to whisper her fantasies in my ear while we have hot sex.

My ass.  MBB asked me what I want done to my ass.  A good hard spanking would be one thing.  One to where I am begging her to stop.  Real begging.  We will have to work up to it to get her confidence level up.  She is worried about hurting me.  Ass fucking.  MBB telling me some afternoon to be clean and prepared for her.  It could be the fucking machine, her using a dildo, or her making me use a dildo on myself.  I also imagine her beating my ass while I have a shaved piece of ginger in my ass so my clenching makes it sting (http://tacit.livejournal.com/225189.html)

Chastity.  When I think of this I always imagine it being a pretty active scenario.  Lots of teasing, serving Mistress, pleasuring Mistress all with the idea that I won't be released or if I am released, locked back up without an orgasm.  I imagine lying in bed next to her, locked up and watching her pleasure herself (or being blindfolded while she does it).  Every night.
Unfortunately the chastity I fantasize about takes a lot of effort on Mistress' part.  Now on the flip side, I can still imagine chastity without all of that attention, but it would be much harder for me to take mentally and I can imagine some frustration and possibly acting out.

Cage.  We have a dog cage.  I desire to be locked up in it.  Not because I want to be in a cage, but because I want to know that MBB has the confidence to know she can lock me up and I will accept it.  I imagine after the first hour or 2 I would hate it, but knowing she "forced" me to do it, would be super hot.

Writing lines.  Either as punishment or as a way for me to end something (chastity) or to get something I want (scene time).  I'm not sure why this idea gets me hot, but I think it's because the task would take no effort on MBB's part, and it would be tedious and make me be focused.  I even found some online writing tools that track errors and add on lines for mistakes or delays.  http://writeforme.org/

Feminization.  Panties every day.  Other undergarments when MBB chooses.  Nighties.  I really like her telling me to do it versus me just doing it.  It feels more like an order versus me just doing it.  Making me do something Femme in public.  Humiliating me in a feminine way.  Verbally taunting me about feminine things.

Cum eating.  I don't want to taste my cum (I really don't), but certainly want to be forced.  Addressed in detail HERE .  Actually I can think of a few things I don't want in my mouth, but the idea of it being forced gets me hot.

Some sort of scene where I am safe wording due to pain, frustration, fear, humiliation etc.  I imagine myself almost in tears before she decides to stop what she is doing.  I am sure pushing me this hard scare her, but I think we could build up to it.  I really dream of not being in control of a situation.   Like the saying goes, it's not bondage until you want out.

Skin cutting or marker writing.

Predicament bondage.  Much like one I used on her when we first met.  She could even make me create it...

Those are the things that have been running through my mind most recently.  Thank you Mistress for making me put them in writing again.

Today's Edge, The Darker Side

So yesterday's edge had me thinking about the nicer, funner side of D/s.  Yesterday afternoon and this morning I have been thinking about the darker side.

Over the last year or so, I have done a few things that I have not been proud of and has upset MBB.  From losing my collar, staying out too late, being too rough in bed, and occasionally being disrespectful, I have been less than stellar.  Now MBB has been forgiving and that has been very much appreciated.  However in  my somewhat twisted fantasy world, she would have exacted some sort of retribution.  After being forgiven I would have to redeem myself in any way she chose.  Now what I am about to write is stuff I probably would not like, but because I was forced to do them I would eventually come around to be turned on about it.  There is something about not being able to say NO.

• Chastity.  Anyone that has red this blog knows that I really don;t like chastity, especially as a form of punishment.  MBB tends to not play D/s when she is upset with me so to be in chastity with no D/s, would suck.  I imagine a certain amount of days with no breaks as my sentence.
• Good old-fashioned beating.  I recently read a blog post where a mistress chained her slave face down to a bed, beat the slave well, threw a blanket over the slave and left the slave overnight chained to the bed.  The slave was not happy, but respected the situation eventually.
• Cage time
• Writing lines.  Just like in elementary school, writing lines for hours.  Some Mistresses add distractions like plugs, gags, restraints etc.   Others require reports or stories but they don't seem as tedious.
• Cum eating.  Not forced like I actually fantasize about.  Willingly eating my cum a certain amount of times before D/s happens again.  Whether is cleaning my cum out of MBB, cumming in my hand and eating it or some other way.  This would force me to debase myself to even things out.
• Hard Labor.  We have a rather large yard that always has work needing to be done.  I have read posts of some Mistresses that put their slave to work in the yard.  The dress him or undress him how they want and put him to work.  Some of it is meaningless like digging a hole on one end of the yard and filling one on the other end or moving large rocks just to move them.  They add collars,plugs, etc. To add the punishment most will sit in the shade or sun bathe while their slave works.
• Electricity.  We have a shocking dog collar as well as a TENS unit.  They can both be kind of fun, but they can also be excruciating.

Now I have known about a lot of these things for some time, but have never mentioned them due to how much they would suck.  However with the dark side of my brain working, I decided to post them.