The Submissive Paradox

I have learned a lot about my submissive side over the last 10 months.  Here is where I have failed over the last 30+ years of being a submissive. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.  That's a problem if one wants to be in a true female-led relationship  The only one that should be able to have cake and eat it, is Mistress. The slave gets only what Mistress wants the slave to have.  I tried to make it about me more than her.

This leads me to what Mistress Scarlet https://msscarletuk.wordpress.com/ calls the Submissive Paradox.  Here is the absolute best explanation that I have finally (after 35 years) come to understand and accept.  I underlined the sections that really speak to me

‘If you love your submissive and you wish to be kind to your submissive and have him sleep the most sound and contented sleep they can ever know, then the saying -‘you have to be cruel to be kind’, is the mantra by which you must live. 

The deeply submissive is a paradox. They need to feel helplessly in the control of another. That entails feeling that they are treated unfairly when it comes to things like the allocation of chores and leisure time. It means they have to be genuinely very fearful and frightened of the punishments that are given in response to infractions. It also means they have to be subjected to pain and humiliation that they do not enjoy. It is only when they are genuinely fearful of punishment for infractions and when they suffer pain and humiliation and unfairness they genuinely would rather not experience, that they feel truly controlled and in the helpless power of another. And without feeling truly controlled and in the helpless power of another, they can NEVER be wholly content with their lives. 

So real love and kindness for a true submissive does not mean going easy on them in any way, or being fair with them – that causes discontent and unhappiness and is not being kind.

In turn, the dominant woman is hooked on the addictive and arousing drug of using and abusing real power, over her male.

That's the paradox. Being cruel is being nice.  That doesn't mean 24/7 whip-wielding. Mistress can be nice, kind, and helpful when she wants to be, but also needs to be truly cruel for the submissive to feel loved and contented. Also, being cruel in a way the submissive wants is counter-productive.  This has been my problem for years. Wanting to be dominated my way and not realizing it didn't work for Mistress means it really wasn't working for me.  Here are some day-to-day examples of the paradox when I think of how it affects me.

Orgasm Control - I want to cum when I want to cum. When Mistress controls and denies my orgasms, I don't really like it. Unfortunately, that's when I get immensely turned on.  Being submissive means that the more my orgasms are controlled the more I am in awe of Mistress.  Orgasm control doesn't necessarily mean denial, it just means that I don't have a say in it.  On the flip side, being forced to orgasm multiple times until it's impossible to cum is another form of control.

Chastity - Chastity isn't just about orgasm control, it's about total control.  Being locked and having Mistress mostly ignore it shouldn't be arousing, but it is.  This is especially true now with my new perspective and I can see being locked 99.9% of the time for the rest of my life.  If I ever ask or beg to be unlocked, denying that request seems cruel but it's not. It’s kind based on the Submissive Paradox.  I am pretty good on the honor system, but not good enough.  

Chores - Chores have to be done.  That's what happens in relationships. Many would say that equal distribution of chores is necessary for a healthy relationship.  The Submissive Paradox says otherwise. The more unequal the chores are, the better it is for the Mistress/Slave dynamic.  Don't misunderstand this.  I don't want to do more chores and I don't enjoy them, but something happens inside my brain when Mistress makes me do chores. The idea of an endless list of chores is overwhelming and therefore powerful. Making the chores more difficult or humiliating makes them worse and therefore makes it better.   

Personal Service - In this relationship, Mistress should think of herself as a ruler of her kingdom (like Cleopatra) and me as just one of her lowly slaves. Waking Mistress up as she wishes to be woken.  Coffee service in the morning (me handing it to her).  Holding doors. Pedicures at her feet. Turning down her bed in the evening. Serving her drinks during the day. Fetching things for her that she could easily get for herself, but increases the dynamic.  The list of personal services is never-ending and I should be doing as many as Mistress wishes.

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Feminization - The only hair on my body are my eyebrows.  I wear a nighty every night. Most nights I am good with it, but some nights I feel silly and not manly.  It's these nights where the nighty is the most powerful.  Wearing panties is the same story.  I used to occasionally wear female deodorant and now it's all I ever wear.  Nail polish is one of those things that can’t be removed easily and is a constant reminder. All of these things create some level of humiliation which again, explains the Submissive Paradox.  Mistress recently threatened me with feminization while I clean and that makes me blush with shame but also makes me in awe of her for making me endure it.  The more feminization I endure the less in control I am and the more  I want to obey. 

Punishment - It's been a very long time since I have been punished.  Also, I don't know that I have ever been truly punished by Mistress (other than stopping D/s activities).  Without the Submissive Paradox, a true and proper beating seems abusive.  With the Submissive Paradox, a beating where I am truly begging for it to end and fearing it ever being repeated would be deeply effective and arousing.  I don’t want to be punished but I want to truly fear Mistress so that I have no choice but to obey. Punishment doesn’t have to be a beating either. Removal of privileges. Punishments you’d give a child or teenager.  The list is extensive.

Mind-Fuckery - The Submissive Paradox really shines here. Fucking with a slaves mind just for the sake of it. Taking something that they find pleasurable and making it unpleasurable. Pushing them slighly further than they think they can take. Punishing for absolutely no reason. Turning a funishment into a punishment.  Making him do a chore over that he just did. Creating a task that serves no purpose other than to fuck with the submissive. Leaving a mess just to have the slave clean it up. I think of it as bullying. Having to suck it up while being treated unfairly would suck, but it would also push all sorts of buttons inside me.  Again, it’s the Submissive Paradox.

I’d love your opinion on this post.  As a submissive do you feel the same way?  As a dominant, does it make sense?  If you’re vanilla and somehow reading this, what are your thoughts?e

Sorry Submissive Requests Reset

I was recently looking to reminisce about the good old days of our female led relationship by looking back through this blog . I read through many of the posts  over the last several years.  I’m appalled by what I read.  It’s terrible. This is not the blog of a submissive. This is a blog of a pushy bottom. A blog about how not to act. A blog of what not to do. A blog of me asking my Mistress to be a kink dispenser. I’m terribly disappointed in how I’ve handled myself over the last 13 years. Actually make that the last 26+ years. I was a more insecure and pushy bottom with my ex-wife. No wonder she left me. 

I finally realize how bad I’ve been and I want to rectify this. Trying to continue down this same path is not the answer. I must force my submissive side to focus on serving my Mistress and stop focusing on my wants, needs and desires. After 26 years it’s crystal clear, that we can no longer accommodate what I want.

Just like a computer or cell phone that doesn’t work the way it should, I need a hard reboot.   A very hard reboot. Here’s what I am asking Mistress to do make us whole again. This post is at her request.  She asked me to write it, so that later when I'm questioning why she is being so controlling, she can remind me that this is all my idea. If you see anything that is me being a pushy bottom in this post, please call me out in the comments.

First and foremost. I am doing this willingly. I can stop it at any time but I recognize that if I do stop it, Mistress will no longer dominate me in any way, shape or form. I’m am going “all in” so that I can experience true submission and not my unrealistic fantasy world. If she is going to dominate me it has to be her way or not at all. This is not a game. 

My goal is to serve Mistress in any way possible. To make her life easier and to free up time for her to do as she pleases. I want to protect her, respect her, obey her, and place her needs before mine.  I will only make decisions that are delegated to me such as coming up with where to eat and what to do. My ideas may be vetoed and I must come up with backup plans. 

Service: It is my duty and I’m excited to pamper her, provide foot massages, pedicures, sexual servitude, and any other “personal service” she allows me the privilege to provide. I will also support her personal health goals. 

I respectfully request Mistress to be in full and complete control of me. I will fully relinquish my beliefs about what is good for me.  Mistress knows what I deserve.  I request her direction to be cruel, firm and unrelenting to make up for decades of my selfish behavior.

I respectfully request Mistress to come up with a set of rules that I promise to live by. I request Mistress to shift any and all the household chores to me. I request that my substantial free time be taken away so that I am not on my phone wasting valuable time that can be used serving Mistress and doing chores.

I would like Mistress to treat me as an unpaid, full time employee of Mistress Inc. I must follow the employee handbook, dress code, rules, code of ethics etc.  Any and all ‘free time’ will be filled with activities that benefit Mistress or others, as she sees fit.  

Regarding chores and tasks. I affirm that chores are not meant to be easy, or comfortable. If Mistress wants something done outside and it’s miserably hot, that should be of no concern. If Mistress chooses to make a chore harder, humiliating in some way, or makes me repeat it, I recognize that it’s meant to increase her dominance and my submission. Some tasks may simply be a test to see if I’ll cave when asked to do something especially challenging.  

Failure to obey and/or failure to exceed expectations will be punished.  I have no say in what the punishment is or what it looks like. I promise to accept punishment without complaint. 

I wish for Mistress to control the following items if she chooses. My spending, the food I can have (type and quantity), alcohol consumption, weight loss program, exercise, clothing, orgasms, chastity, screen time, phone access/privacy, free time, sleep, privacy, speech, etc.

I do not want to be treated fairly. I know it doesn’t make sense to a non-submissive, but being treated cruelly and unfairly is like a powerful drug and I yearn to be addicted to this drug. My ultimate wish is for Mistress to become aroused by making me miserable and making me suffer. The more I suffer the more turned on she gets. 

I also ask to not be forgiven for the last 13 years. How I treated Mistress as a tool for my kinks was disrespectful and does not warrant any forgiveness. I request Mistress remember how she felt all the times I made it about me as she plans our future. 

Bondage, teasing, denial, spankings, toys, chastity, clothing, etc are highly arousing to me and can be easily used to manipulate and control me, however  I recognize these items may do nothing for Mistress.  For this reason, I have no expectation of having any of those kinks indulged. If Mistress chooses to not use any of the above items, I humbly request verbal taunting of my situation to keep me in sub-space. 

I acknowledge that I will come to regret large parts of this new normal.  Regret and despair are what I have earned and deserve for the many years my poor behavior.  I fully accept this as being a necessary part of our dynamic as well as penance for the past.  If I’m only doing what I want, I will fail again. I desire true unrelenting control to have internal submissive peace. Even more than that, I desire Mistress to have her ideal submissive husband. I’m going to do everything I can to make this happen.

 

Thinking the Unthinkable

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The Cuckold Threat

 It’s been nearly a year since I’ve posted anything. Between running a company and traveling extensively there hasn’t been any D/S in my life in quite some time. It’s only very occasional where I lock myself in chastity, wear my steel cock ring, wear panties or put clothes pins on my nipples.  That being said I had a dream the other night that won’t leave my brain. I wanted to preserve it here as it’s still got me worked up. The dream wasn’t as elaborate as what I’m about to write but I’ve since had time to embellish it.  Here we go.

I dreamt that Mistress and I were in bed having standard missionary type sex. My cock buried deep inside her pussy while I try to get her to cum while keeping myself far enough from the edge to make sure she cums before I do. 

Usually during this time Mistress will say that she knows will push my buttons while twists my nipples, this make it VERY difficult for me to not get too close to the edge of cumming.  In my dream Mistress and I are having our usual hot talk when she says, “I’m going to start reinstating the rules, tasks and requirement I used to have for you”.  I lived for the days when I had a list of expectations that had to be followed so this quickly got my attention.

She continued, “This time however, I am going to ensure that you have real consequences for not meeting my demands”.  Oh my goodness. This is sounding like way more than our normal pillow talk.  She adds “In the past you’d weasel your way out of doing things you didn’t like in the hope of me punishing you in a way you wanted to be punished. This just created extra work for me to meet your kinky desires and didn’t benefit me in any way.”  

Now this has me even closer to the edge. This is some serious talk. I’ve always wanted our kinky life to get pushed past games and take on a more serious and lasting dynamic.  These comments got me nervously closer to the edge. 

Mistress proceeded to pick up her phone and show me a screen with a grid of pictures of men.  “Moving forward, when you don’t meet my expectations or do what you’ve agreed to do, I am going to use this dating app to find a man in whatever location we are in to go out on a date.”  I stop moving my hips. We’ve never talked about an open relationship and I have a hard limit of her seeing other men. 

Mistress then drops the phone and grabs my nipples. She wraps her legs around me and clenches her pussy against my cock that is already close to the edge. She says, “if you agree to my terms I want you to cum now”. My mind is spinning. No, I don’t want this. I want my kink, my way. I can be jealous and insecure. However, the control aspect is incredibly arousing, and to think we’d be moving back to a more Female Led Relationship has my curiosity peaked. 

Before I know it, I realize I’m cumming. I haven’t moved a muscle.  Mistress expertly twists my nipples and uses her pussy to take me over the edge. I start loudly mumbling, “no, no, no, no, no, no, no, nooooo” as I pump loads of cum into Mistress I realize I’m having a ruined orgasm and that my fate is sealed. I argue that my orgasm was a mistake and that I didn’t intend to agree to her terms. She said, “some part of your subconscious wanted you to cum and we both know we need to feed your subconscious little brain what it needs.  Now rule number one is that every time you cum, you need to eat all of your cum. Get to work cleaning me up or I’ll be going on a date tonight.”  Mistress releases her legs from their lock on my hips and I slowly move my face down her body to clean up my disgusting cum.

The dream ended at this point but my lizard brain hasn’t stopped there. I keep thinking about how this would look in reality. I imagine a list of rules. 

1. Clean up your cum every time you cum. 

2. You must initiate sex at least once a week. If I say, no, you will ask for permission to cum. If I say that you may you will proceed to strip and masturbate onto a plate. See rule #1.  

3.  You will go back to wearing feminine attire at night in bed.

4.  You will have my coffee ready to go the night before.

5.  You will get up with the dog every day. 

6.  You will be plugged 7 hours a week.  You decide how the 7 hours work (all at once or an hour a day, etc)

7.  You will do all dishes.

8.  You will request permission for every alcoholic beverage you wish to drink.  Expect to have this heavily controlled.

9.  You will request permission for any snack food you wish. 

10. You will wear panties every non travel day.  You will not wear them when we will see people we know. 

11.  Fingernails and toenails will be polished clear at all times unless another color is assigned.

12. You will wear your collar 24/7

13. You will go into chastity after every orgasm until I release you. I know how much you hate this, but it does get your mind in the right space faster. 

14.  You will address me as Mistress, Goddess, Queen, etc in private.

15.  You will never ask about my dates.

16.  You will drop me off and pick me up from my dates.

17.  You may not sleep when I am on a date. I want you to contemplate your station in life every time I’m out.

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If you’ve made it this far I’d love it if you’d add additional rules that you think should be included. Extra points for rules that benefit Mistress without hitting my kink buttons.  Comments are always appreciated.