Last night

Mistress and I had a very busy and stressful week.  Something happened this week that in the past, I would have been asked to be let out of chastity.  It seems a little silly to be wearing a chastity device when life gets super serious and you have to deal with it.  I didn't ask to be released.  I wanted to prove to myself that I am committed to being in a chastity device 24/7/365.  Staying locked up when things seemed to be too difficult to handle has made me a stronger submissive.  I was able to remove a potential excuse from future discussions.  If I could stay locked up this week, I can stay locked up through almost anything. I am proud of myself for toughing it out.

Last night Mistress unlocked me so that we could have sex.  It's the first time since Jan 18th that Mistress has used me for her pleasure.  It's the first time in a month that Mistress has allowed my her cock to enter her wonderful pussy.  I wasn't as sensitive as I would have guessed, but I was still far too sensitive to be able to give Mistress an orgasm with my her cock.  I had to use my fingers to give her a few nice squirting orgasms in between me edging myself inside of her.  During one of these edges I got a bit too close to the edge of cumming.  I pulled out and Mistress felt a bit of cum squirt on her.  I think it was around a teaspoon and she thinks it was more.  Nonetheless, Mistress had me clean what little bit of cum I had released with my tongue.  The fact that I woke up with painful blue balls this morning tells me that whatever cum leaked out was not enough to give me any satisfaction.  It was not enough to take even a hint of desperation out of me.

As we had sex we chatted.  Mistress told me to not even think about cumming.  Then later she told me she thought it was time to make me cum and lick it all up.  I begged and begged to not be made to cum.  As best as I can tell, Mistress is truly enjoying my lack of orgasms.  I think she likes that I am in such a state of submissiveness that I am begging to not cum vs begging for an orgasm. 

As we continued, I assured Mistress that I appreciate how she has gotten stricter with me.  I applauded her efforts of attempting to be meaner with me.  I told her how much I love being locked up in her presence.  How much I love the erotic humiliation of being dressed feminine in the house.  How badly I crave to be her little sissy bitch to be used however she wishes. In fact, I begged her to be as harsh with me as she can.  I want her to push me so hard, with the sole intent of making me lash out, so she has the perfect reason to punish me even more harshly.  I want to occasionally regret going down this path.  I want to have my fetishes used against me as a real mind fuck.  I want to truly suffer and question myself, but in a way that makes Mistress get off on my suffering. 

Regarding chastity, I know Mistress would rather have easy access to my cock, but we both know that 24/7 chastity is the only way I can fully resist temptation.  If she didn't re-lock me immediately after using me last night, I would be stroking my cock and edging myself as I write this.  I likely would have an accident that I wouldn't admit to.  I would have unintentionally cheated.  I know that chastity is a barrier, but I truly believe that it's a barrier that keeps our dynamic strong.

     
     

You Tell Him He Can’t Cum...

Found Online.

You Tell Him He Can’t Cum...

The first time you feel awful.  It hurts you as he begs and tells you how much he needs it.  As he curses and his hand shakes as you make him put his cock away.  As he wheedles and tries to undermine your command and you aren’t so sure anymore this is what he wants, but you shore up and are firm and you tell him how it will be.  

It turns out he loves you for it.  It drives him mad with desire.  Hearing stern rules almost makes him cum on the spot untouched.  Being denied fuels him in a way you can’t quite comprehend, and this first time, as you fight guilt and relief in equal measure, you don’t enjoy the power.

Oh but the next time… the next time you barely breathe in his direction and he’s hard?  You work him up with such little effort to the point where he tells you he needs to cum, asks you to cum, begs to cum… and this time you deny him with a smile.  This time the commands fly off your tongue.  This time, wonderfully evil ideas spin through your mind and sorting through to pluck only one or two. This time occupies far too much of your time.  You are soaked through.  

It is not just a no for now.  It is a no for the afternoon.  It is a no for the evening.  It is a no for the week.  It is a no for the month.  It is a no as you cum and he listens.  It is a no as you send him favorite porn of his.  It is a no as you let him choose what toy you will masturbate with.  It is a no as you give him commands and tasks to complete.  It is a no as you make him bathe you, massage you, and service you.  It is a no as you cum again and again.  A world of denial coming easily, and with each no, his desperation is evident, but he doesn’t fight it.  He’s so grateful.  Drowning in lust and hotness and your attention.  Denied but not forgotten.  Allowed to edge and edge so pleasure builds, but not release.  

He has no time limit.  No count down.  He has no idea when his torment is set to end.  That does not stop him from asking.  From needing.  From begging.  From cursing, but with a smile.  Enjoying the teasing nearly as much, if not more, than he’ll enjoy his release.  That’s okay… you’ll  get to enjoy release enough for both of you, over and over and over.  His pleasure will come from how you creatively deny him.  His pleasure will only come from watching you cum.

  

Feminine Switch Is Flipped

Mistress is continuing to push me and I am loving every minute of it.  Here is how the rest of my week went.

After I posted on Wednesday morning that I was dressed feminine and doing the dishes, I had to go to work.  After I got home from work and we were sitting down to dinner Mistress told me that I was to start dressing feminine every day until further notice.  Of course my her cock twitched and a switch was flipped in my brain.  Before we got into bed Mistress went to one of my drawers and picked out a nighty for me to wear.  She was serious about starting my feminization back up.  Hooray!

Thursday morning I got up and got dressed again. I picked out a brown sweater dress with a cowl neck and my same heels before.  I did the dishes as now required of me and when I completed the dishes I asked to be dismissed as I had a busy day at work.  Mistress denied my request.  I didn't expect that.  She told me that I needed to fill out some forms for her.  I tried to push back, but realized that this is what I want and need.  To be of service to her whether I want to do a particular task or not.  I filled out the forms and while I was doing so, my heart warmed to the idea of being of use to Mistress, her slave.  This is what I want. 

Thursday night, I went to bed before Mistress.  I had a decision to make.  Was I going to wear the nighty or not.  It wasn't specified that the nightly ritual of me wearing a nighty was expected or not.  I was conflicted.  If I wore it, was I just 'doing this to myself'?  Was I being a pushy bottom?  Was I following orders?  Will Mistress even notice?  It was harder for me to decide than it should have been.  In the end I did wear it for 2 reasons.  The main reason is that I didn't want to give Mistress an excuse to put me in the cage.  The other reason is I wanted to show Mistress that I am dedicated to her and her desire to feminize me and make me obey.  I want to be pushed harder.

Friday we had company over in the morning so dressing feminine was not an option.  Mistress did a great job of having me make dinner and serve her drinks all night.  She is getting better at being bossier and more selfish, but I am still looking for her to be even more bossy and selfish.  At bedtime I was again conflicted about what to wear to bed.  This is one of the problems of not being dressed regularly.  It's hard to get back to that comfortable spot where I miss being feminized and it becomes a challenge again.  I feel like a lot of hard work was lost, but at the same time the mind-fuck is much stronger when it's difficult for me. As it turns out, Mistress noticed my nighty and had me remedy the situation.  Submission restored.

This morning I wasn't sure what to wear.  Before we had my dressing hiatus, Mistress let me have the weekends off from being dressed.  Now I normally wouldn't admit this, but because it's been over 11 weeks of me being locked in chastity and not cumming, and my perfume is filling my nostrils, I think weekends should have even stricter feminization rules.  At least during the winter when we are more home-bound.  Maybe not skirts and dresses, but certainly casual, but feminine attire such as yoga outfits and such.  There is no reason for me to not have to wear an outfit including a bra and makeup if we are not going out. 

So this morning I decided to wear some mom jeans with a red low cut sweater.  I am also wearing a bra and inserts.  My head is spinning in a feminine and submissive way.  The weight of my inserts reminding me of what a little slut I yearn to be.

One thing I am noticing again is how much being dressed changes my attitude.  It takes my macho/masculine behavior and knocks it down several notches.  I am kinder and more patient when I am wearing  a bra, heels and a skirt.  I can't act superior when I have allowed myself to be put in such a potentially humiliating position.   

In closing, we are just scratching the surface of how far Mistress can push me.  I look forward to her continuing to find ways to use me and to challenge me, both mentally and physically.  I want her to push me, and keep pushing me until I ask for mercy.  I want to live in that space where my submission is not necessarily fun, but it's real.  I want to feel that the control she has over me is unrelenting and cruel.  I want to see Mistress' eyes sadistically light up as I am forced to endure whatever she dishes out.  I want her to smile at my misfortune and to get off on making me suffer. 




          

Surprise Orders

I had no intention of posting today.  That changed last night.  Mistress was teasing her cock and balls locked in my chastity device.  She told me that I was to wear feminine clothes in the morning.  She specified high heels, a skirt and a bra.  The rest was up to me.  Now Mistress rarely makes me wear a bra, so that added requirement was a nice little torture/bonus.  Mistress also told me that I needed to do the dishes first thing in the morning.  I thanked her for giving me tasks to do as her cock grew even harder in its cage.  She warned me that any disobedience would result in me spending several hours locked in the cage while she went to happy hour.  She teased her cock a bit more and then told me to have sweet dreams.  She wrecked me.

As I was waking this morning I was immediately turned on.  Mistress had gotten up before me so I was happy to be locked in chastity. Even on the honor system, I will edge myself if she gets up before me.  When I got out of bed, I sprayed my perfume on before I did anything.  I needed the extra time to have the perfume push my feminine buttons as I find it challenging to be dressed if Mistress is awake before me.  I went into the spare bedroom and put on a bra and panties.  I then inserted my breast forms.  I put on a long sleeve cowl sweater, a black skirt and black Mary Janes with 5" heels.

I considered not getting dressed for a minute and thought about saying I forgot.  I wanted to see if Mistress would go through with the punishment.  Not because I wanted to be punished, but I wanted to test her resolve.  I decided obedience was a better course of action so that maybe I can be rewarded with other tortures. 

I went downstairs and had a nice little bit of erotic humiliation walking into the room that Mistress was in.  I prefer to get up and dressed before her as walking into a room dressed humiliates me more.

I immediately started on the dishes.  There isn't one thing sexy or erotic about doing dishes.  However, being commanded to do dishes while dressed up is very much a turn on to me.  It's about the control she is taking and the control I am giving up.  I made sure to also clean up the counter and the rest of the kitchen a bit.  I wanted to show my appreciation for being giving house work chores.  As I went about cleaning I realized that it had been about 4 months since I was dressed feminine.  I missed it.  I felt like kind of a 50's housewife doing chores, all dressed up and in heels while the husband sat on the couch.  It pushed my buttons.

As I sit here typing this my arousal is off the charts.  Mistress' cock is straining in its cage, my feet are a bit uncomfortable and my breast forms weigh heavy on my chest.  I am in heaven. 

In closing, I want to thank Mistress for making me get dressed and giving me orders.  I want her to feel confident in making me do anything she wants me to do and want her to feel even more confident on ignoring my needs and wants.  I am her slave.   
  

Orgasm Denial Thoughts

Last night I made a bit of a confession to Mistress.  I confessed that I have been downplaying the level of horniness I am experiencing.  While I have certainly been saying that I am a desperate mess, those words don't necessarily man anything.

The longer I go into my orgasm denial period, I become more and more obsessed with deeper and darker things.  I am almost constantly fantasizing about serving Mistress.  The more I serve her, the more bitchy and demanding she becomes of me.  As we move along, I fantasize about her requiring more and more of me.  I fantasize about her showing less patience with me and making me jump through increasingly difficult hoops just for the sake of making me do it.  She would be waited on hand and foot both in and out of the bedroom without any concern my my needs. She would have unlimited orgasms if I had my way.

I also fantasize about being restrained and confined in multiple ways.  Obviously, I am always to be  collared and locked in chastity.  However the hornier I get, the more I think about being caged, or hanging by my wrists from the ceiling in the basement.  I think about sleeping restrained, or in the strait jacket.  I fantasize being restrained in many of our dungeon devices for long periods of time.  I fantasize about daily beatings or having other pain inflicted on me.

My last overwhelming fantasy is that when Mistress isn't using me and abusing me, I spend the rest of my time at home heavily feminized and humiliated and feminized under my clothes when I leave the house.

To someone observing from the outside, my fantasies would look like I was in an abusive relationship with a brutal and uncaring tyrant.  This is where I can see how being mean to me is hard for Mistress.  The truth is that my submissive heart flutters (and my cock gets harder) at the thought of all of the above.  The appearance of my needs not being met would absolutely fulfill me.  There would be no downside to her being more demanding and cruel as I would communicate if there were any issues for me.  We could find a happy medium.   

As far as downplaying just how horny and desperate I am becoming, there are a few reasons for this.  The first is that I don't want Mistress to feel bad about denying me.  I fear that she will make me cum, with the intent of being nicer to me, when in fact I would prefer the teasing to be cruel and to intensify.  Another reason is that this level of horniness has so many hormones running through my system that I am becoming addicted to them.  I fear an orgasm would remove so many of the hormones that I would go through a sort of a withdrawal.  I tend to be a difficult person for a few days after I am allowed to orgasm.  If I am allowed to cum once a month, that means for 36 days a year, I am difficult to deal with.  Cumming every 60 days that's still 18 days or 2.5 weeks a year of being a shit.  Once every 90 days is still 12 days of difficulty.  I want to be a good slave to Mistress, and denial is a good way to achieve this.  Another reason is that I fear I will have to eat 70+ days of cum.  Just the thought of it makes me wince in disgust, but at the same time, my cock just got hard again.  Lastly, I don't want to cum because I know the first orgasm after a long denial period just ins't that great.  It's the one after the first orgasm that is mind-blowing.  It's like I need 2 to feel the full effect of experiencing an orgasm.

Regardless of when Mistress decides I will orgasm again, I hope that there will be no delay in locking me back up chastity.  I want all of my orgasms to be authorized and observed by Mistress.  I want to keep my goal of an entire year locked up regardless of how often I cum.  I want the fast recharging of my libido that only chastity can provide.  I want to feel the control and despair of having to go back into chastity when my libido has just been drained from me.  I want any physical pleasure that I receive to be because of Mistress.  I want my pleasure to come from pleasuring Mistress, and I don't want my thoughts of cumming to get in the way of taking care of her. 

Please leave a comment on your beliefs on orgasm denial and chastity.  Mistress sees all comments left here.  Thanks!



            

Subtle Acts

For my recent trip, Mistress gave me the key to unlock my collar.  It's a stainless steel collar and I was concerned about it setting of the metal detector.  The only time it has been off was long enough for me to go through security on my outbound trip.  I forgot about it on my return trip and got through with no issues.

Yesterday I went to lock it on.  Mistress said something to the effect of that she didn't feel it was necessary for it to be locked.  She's right, it doesn't need to be locked on, but the dynamic is so much stronger when it is locked on.  For example.  If it's not locked on, shaving around my neck is so much easier.  It's a pain to have to shave around it, but that difficulty is a very subtle way to remind me of our my place as Mistress' slave.  Another benefit of having it locked on is that I can't 'forget' to put it back on.  In the past, I have tended to drift away from voluntarily wearing my collar.  I could go weeks without wearing it.  Having it locked on, gets me through my insecure and disobedient bouts.  Mistress will take off my collar any time I ask, but I want to be forced to ask and not have that control to make up my own mind about it.  Locking the collar on only take 2 twists of screw embedded in the collar.  Those 2 twist are very minimal and subtle and at the same time very powerful.  The only way I could see having it unlocked if Mistress did it specifically so that she could punish me if I wasn't wearing it.  We could even up the stakes and lock on my super heavy collar in the 2nd picture below.

             

As I was waking up this morning, I felt my collar locked around my neck and a warm rush of feeling owned came over me.  It made me reflect on how very subtle things combine to make a large effect.  Any of of these things by themselves are not a big deal, but when combined, they become very powerful.  Having a tasteful collar locked on.  Wearing a bit of perfume.  Wearing women's deodorant.  Having my toenails painted.  Mistress rubbing and touching parts of my body.  Mistress mentioning when she masturbates.  Having Mistress touch my chastity device.  Sitting to pee.  Wearing panties.  Shaving my body.  Any comment or verbal tease that Mistress can come up with (like asking me when my last orgasm was).  All of these by themselves are no big deal, but added up have an exponential effect on me.  

I know that Mistress not forcing me to lock my collar was intended to be nice, and I appreciate that.  I'm working on helping her overcome her instinct of being a 'good girl' and into being bitchy and mean to me.  In my weird twisted mind, cruelty is caring and intimate, even if it's subtle.

If you enjoy reading this blog, please leave a comment.  Mistress and I enjoy reading the comments, ideas and feedback from our audience.  I will reply to everyone as soon as I can. 

    

New Record Set

Today is my 73rd day without an orgasm which is a new record by one day.  It's also my 71st day locked in chastity, which crushes my old record of 29 days.  I never believed the stories of guys that had been locked on chastity for weeks, months and possibly years.  I am a believer now.  I realize that it takes a strong commitment on both the wearer as well as the key holder.  It's not fun when just one person is living the chastity lifestyle. 

Breaking this record had my mind thinking of new records to beat.  Some of the ones I came up with are as follows.

Time spent in the cage - I think my current record is 2.5 hours. 

Number of cane strikes - we will have to start keeping track of the number of solid strike so we can set new records.

Number of orgasms I give Mistress before I am allowed one.

Hours spent tied up.

Number of orgasms in a short period of time.  One of the better mind-fucks I have seen is where a guy is kept orgasm free for months.  He keeps begging and begging to be allowed to cum, and when his Mistress finally relents she forces as many as she can out of him in 2-4 hours.  So many orgasms that he is begging her to stop.

Number of hours spent not wearing any male clothes.

Hours wearing a bra.

Hours spent standing in high heels.

Number of seconds of breath play.

Time spent kneeling.

Number of lines written.

Number of clothespins on body or part of body.

Pounds of weight hanging from my balls.

Hours standing in the corner.

Number of times my cock leaks without an orgasm during a teasing session.

Number of hours with a butt plug in.  I would guess is 5 or 6 hours, but don't know since I have never kept track.

I find it interesting that setting a record makes me want to keep setting records.  A horny submissive Olympics so to speak. 
    

Long Distance Desperation

I am currently out of town and away from my Mistress.  I am lying in my hotel bed in my pink nighty locked in chastity.  It's my first trip out of town locked in chastity.  In the past, I would have already cum a few times and would have already cum this morning.  Instead, I am one day short of my all-time orgasm denial record of 72 days.  The best part of this trip is that it proves to me that there is no reason I cannot be locked in chastity for the rest of my life.  Having Mistress control not only my orgasms but any sexual pleasure at all. I am soooo horny and frustrated.  Being locked up on the road is harder than I imagined and it's a great mind-fuck.  I'm wishing I had brought a toy for my ass so I could at least get some stimulation on my prostate.  Instead I just lie here and fantasize about Mistress treating me badly.

Before I left on this trip, Mistress made sure to give me a caning.  It started rough as we didn't do any warm-up.  As my ass warmed up, I was able to take harder hits from the cane.  Mistress wanted to stop before I did, but I was able to get her to keep going for a bit.  It's very difficult to ask to be hurt when you are in the middle of it.  I'm looking forward to the time where I am yelling out and begging her to stop and she doesn't.  She keeps going until I use my safe-word, and then she keeps going for some time.  It's something we have to work up to as I have to be able to learn to take it and Mistress needs to be able to be OK with hurting me more than she ever has.  Having consistent positive experiences will make this possible.

Here is a picture of my ass just before Mistress untied me.

I thought for sure that I would have felt it when I was sitting in my seat on the plane a few hours later.  I also thought I would finally have some bruises that I could be proud of.  Unfortunately, neither of these things occurred.  I had no left over pain and no bruises or even marks for that matter.  Now I am starting to believe that we are going to have to have a long session with a warm up period and once I am warmed up Mistress can really go to town on my ass with multiple implements.  Once I am bruised well, it should be easier to keep me bruised with daily beatings.  I am very proud to wear bruises that Mistress gives me.

As I lie here in my nighty, with my painted toenails I keep fantasizing about Mistress pushing my feminization buttons harder.  I'm not sure how to explain it but I want to be a slutty, horny, little bitch.  I want to feel humiliated and embarrassed about the things I am willing to do.  I want to feel ashamed of how slutty I am while at the same time not caring because I am so horny.  I'm not sure of any of that makes sense.  

Time to head to work.  

If you enjoy reading this blog, please leave a comment.  Mistress and I enjoy reading the comments, ideas and feedback from our audience.  I will reply to everyone as soon as I can. 

Adopting A Corporate Mindset

Last night Mistress expressed some insecurity about being more forceful and domineering.  Our professional lives keep changing and the breadwinner has recently been me.  I have been making some sacrifices recently that I know Mistress greatly appreciates, however it's making her try to accommodate me instead of making me serve her even more.  I get why it's happening and I hope things change so that she can feel confident in being cruel regardless of who is the breadwinner.  For many, many years Mistress has been the breadwinner and she was fine bossing me around.  Now I think she feels like she owes me something.  If anything I still owe her for making my life easier.

Mistress is a good manger and understands how important structure is in the professional world. She understands constant improvement, goal setting, measuring results, holding people accountable, rewarding good behavior and disciplining when appropriate.  I realized last night that it might help if we adopted those same principals to our D/s lifestyle.  It might help override her concerns about being more domineering over me.  Here's how.

An employee slave manual.

Job Description.

A D/s version of a business plan.

Dress code.

Weekly one-on-ones.

Daily huddle/caning.

Performance reviews - monthly and quarterly.

Being on call.

Reports.

Performance Improvement Plan.

Special Projects.

Thinking about many of these, I can see a way that formalizes what we both know I need and makes it matter-of-fact and necessary to my growth.  I'd like to think that this will make it easy for Mistress to realize it's my job to sacrifice and make her life easier, not the other way around.

 

   

Getting More & More Desperate

As I work on my 10th week of chastity and orgasm denial I am getting more and more desperate.  My thoughts, wishes and desires are getting more and more extreme.  I can't imagine how much worse this can get, but at the same time I want it to get much worse.

Tomorrow I go out of town for a few days for work.  I will be locked up for this trip for it's entirety.  Normally when I travel, Mistress would give me an orgasm before I left or have me masturbate to completion in my hotel room.  The intent was to make sure that my horniness was reduced dramatically.  I was also made to cum into a pair of panties that later served as a gag for me.  Gross, but so hot.  Since I was left to my own devices, I would pretty much edge myself many, many times before orgasm.  Essentially I was a greedy, selfish masturbator.  Another negative effect was that I would be an asshole when I returned and frequently during my trip.  The effect of orgasms while traveling was not a positive one.

I am excited to be locked up on this trip.  If I am going to be locked in chastity for the rest of my life, it's necessary to figure out how to stay chaste while apart from my Mistress.  This week will be a real mindfuck as I am so used to being able to touch myself while traveling that I really won't know what to do with myself.  The frustration will be maddening.  The denial and frustration should also keep my behavior in check and Mistress at the top of my mind.

Added to chastity, my toenails are once again painted.  It's kind of a shock to my eyes as it's been so long since I had them painted.  It certainly flips a switch in my brain every time I see them.  Mistress will be packing a nighty for me to wear which will just add to my frustration.  As of now, I know of nothing else Mistress has planned for me.  I was going to include a list of ideas, but that's getting a little to 'pushy bottom' for me.

Overall I am so sexually frustrated that my head is spinning, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

Below is a task Mistress gave me on a previous trip.  There won't be any touching this trip.       

Flipping Switches

I love it when Mistress gets inside my brain and flips a few kinky switches.  She did it to me yesterday, announcing that I would soon have my toenails painted again, be sleeping in nighties and be dressing feminine around the house again.

It's amazing how so few words can have such a large impact on me.  I realized just how many things flip a switch in me.  A spray of perfume in the morning.  Each time I feel or see my collar locked around my neck.  Seeing my toenails painted.  Feeling or seeing my chastity device. Feeling my hole tighten around a butt plug. Mistress ordering me to refill her glass.  Being naked when Mistress is dressed.  Panties.  Mistress doing anything to my nipples.  Knowing how easy I have made it for Mistress to cane my ass.  When Mistress talks about putting me in the cage.  When Mistress tells me she masturbated.  When I come across a picture of myself in a compromising situation.  When Mistress gives me an order or task.  When Mistress calls me bitch or other term.  When Mistress doesn't use please and thank you when telling me to do something.  When Mistress taunts me about being taken out dressed in public.  Seeing bruises on my body.  Feeling pain for days after a scene.

The list goes on and on. It’s surprising, how little comments can blow up so big in my submissive mind. At some point they can become a real mindfuck and I love a good mindfuck.

Trip

It's been 65 days since my last orgasm.  Since I am also locked in chastity there has been no unauthorized leakage, edging, touching, etc.  My record is 72 days which occurred last year from January 13th to March 26th.  For me to beat my old record I need to go to next Saturday without an orgasm at a minimum.  Hopefully much longer.

I have been locked in chastity for 63 days.  My old record is 29 days so I am more than double my old record.  With this record, I am not wanting it to reset.  I don't want to have to start at zero.  I want to see just how long I can stay locked and I would love for it to be the rest of the year at a minimum.  My only release being when Mistress wants to use her cock or to switch out devices.  I want my only pleasure to be in Mistress' presence and I cannot control myself enough to not cheat.

I leave for a business trip in a few days.  Mistress hinted at unlocking me for my trip which I absolutely don't want to do.  I am not concerned about airport security as my device is plastic and the lock is smaller than the jewelry I wear in my Prince Albert piercing.  If I am in hotel rooms by myself for three nights, there is no telling how many orgasms I would end up having, and what a shit I would be upon my return.  Mistress' cock would probably be badly chaffed from all the edging I would be doing.  Instead, I want to stay locked, denied and desperate, dying to come home.  In lieu of being able to stroke my cock I could take my prostate massager and have that be my only stimulation.  Even with that I run the risk of milking cum from my balls, which would take the edge off.  Of course, maybe I could learn to orgasm from anal stimulation only.

As I imagine going on this trip, I fantasize about having my toenails painted.  Panties, nighties, stockings or other feminine attire in my suitcase.  An embarrassing toy or two packed as well.  I imagine having to sit in a hard plane seat with a bruised and freshly beaten ass to remind me of my place.  I imagine having a daily task or ritual that I would have to do and provide proof that I did it.  I imagine coming home desperate, needy and unbelievably horny.  I imagine Mistress masturbating several times a day and letting me know about it.  I imagine her cumming in the same pair of panties several times and saving it for a future gag for me.  I imagine her using the fucking machine and teasing me about how hard she got fucked while I was locked up.

After 9 weeks of being locked and denied I am loving the desperation I am feeling.  I'm amazed how my fantasies keep getting closer and closer to my soft limits and approach my hard limits.  There is very little I wouldn't do right now, and I really, really want to keep that going.    

      

          

Let The Beatings Begin

I have to start this post with a quick comment.  The perfume Mistress bought for me and makes me wear every day, is an addictive drug to me.  I had zero libido when I woke up this morning and within 15 seconds of spraying on my perfume, I became super aroused and consumed with submissive and feminine thoughts.  My perfume gives me a buzz and is highly effective on my brain.  I can see using it in scenes as well as day-to-day use.  Now on to the topic of the day.

We have commenced on our journey of me receiving a caning almost every day.  We started Friday afternoon.  I was lying face down across the bed side-to-side so Mistress doesn't have to reach.  My hands were restrained straight out in front of me and my ankles restrained on the other side of the bed.  Mistress gave me 10 very tentative swats and about 2 of those was an 8 or higher.  She then released me and we went about our business.  I had some nice warmth from the swats, but soon forgot about them.  Mistress indicated that she didn't have a good angle and that was a lot of the reason that she wasn't able to hit me well.  We went out that afternoon and when we got home, Mistress wanted to see the marks she left.  There weren't any.  She wasn't happy about that and I had fun telling her she must not have hit me hard enough.

I believe for this plan to work, it has to be as simple and quick as possible for Mistress to administer. So on Saturday I made some adjustments.  I placed a couple pillows under my hips to raise my ass to make a better target.  I turned my body in the opposite direction because Mistress is right handed and this angle should make her more accurate.  I restrain myself as much as possible to make things easier for Mistress.  These hits came much stronger than the previous ones did.  Mistress hit me 5 times and 4 of them were substantial, but she stopped after 5 hits.  She untied me and we went about our day.  I could feel these longer than the ones from the day prior.  That night before bed Mistress inspected my ass.  She says there was a mark, but I couldn't see it.  I believe that me being bruised is an important part of this ritual and I think Mistress would agree.

As I slept that night I was consumed with thoughts on caning.  I was drifting in and out of sleep from 4-7 am where I couldn't stop thinking about caning.  The research I had been doing about caning certainly played into my thoughts.  Yesterday I asked Mistress if we could have our next caning session last longer.  I am hoping to get Mistress at a comfort level of hitting me safely, but soundly.  I asked her to take her time and to practice for a while on me.  5-10 hits once a day are not going to be a good training experience for either of us.  I also asked for her to not stop until I safe-worded.  She can go as long as she wants after I safe-word as my safe-word is merely a request and I will certainly use it too soon.  However, I would really like her to not stop before then.

I'll know we are at a good point when there is a day that she tells me to prepare for a caning and I hesitate due to fear.  That will make this part of our D/s lifestyle very, very real.  I yearn to fear her.

Since I have been doing so much research, I will leave some observations here.

• There are a million ways to do this, so no one way is 'the way'.
• Hitting with no warm up is called 'cold caning' and is much more painful.
• Warming up allows harder hitting. 
• Some will hit 3-5 times in rapid succession before the first hit even registers in the brain.
• Others will hit light many, many times, in between hard hits, and will only count the hard ones as actual hits.
• Lecturing during a caning is kind of hot.
• So is stopping and encouraging the slave to take more for his Mistress.
• So is interrogating a slave during a caning.
• A gag may be needed if Mistress hits me hard enough.
• Many of the caning videos and pictures I have found have the slave standing.  I believe I have come up with a good way to restrain me standing for whenever Mistress wants to try it.
• The weight of the cane matters a great deal.  The one we are currently using is a heavy one and considered more brutal.  I will find the lighter ones we have so that Mistress can find her favorite.  I prefer a thuddy feeling to a stingy feeling.   

Below are 3 sections of a 15 minute caning session that I have the full video of.  The first one is more about the light fast ones that build up quickly.  One thing to note is that she takes lots of 30 second breaks to let him recover.  She also taunts him verbally quite a bit.  This cane looks much lighter than ours.
   

This one is more brutal.  I don't know how he doesn't make a noise.

This last one is where I'd like to end up some day, but I would be screaming if this were me.

I have a hunch I am going to regret this post one day.  As I replayed these snippets I realized this was a 100 stroke scene.  He received many more than 100, but 100 were the serious ones.  OUCH!

       

Thoughts On Humiliation

Lately, I have been absolutely fascinated by thoughts and ideas on humiliation.  Until now I didn't really know why, but I have found some posts that are making me understand more about it.

Some of the things I love to hate are...

• Anything public.  Whether it's worrying about someone seeing a bra-strap under my shirt, shopping for feminine items at the store, or when someone asks about my collar necklace, being in public is my number one humiliation.

• Anything to do with cum.  Having it smeared on my face or forced to eat it, I find cum to be very humiliating.

• Crossdressing.  While I am much better at accepting it, every aspect of it hits my humiliation button.  Painted toenails, perfume, high heels clicking on the floor, all hit me hard.

• Fashion Show. Trying on clothes for Mistress' approval shames me well.

• Spit.  We don't use spit for play, but part of me wants to for the humiliation aspect.  I would hate it, but it would still turn me on.

• Sexually pleasing Mistress while I stay locked up.

• Making confessions while tied up.

• When Mistress talks about making me do bi-sexual acts or cuckolding talk.

• Simulated bisexuality.  Sucking a dildo, having anything in my ass, strapon play, etc.

• Being called out on my attitude or when I disobey.

• Being locked in a cage.

• I'm sure we can find some other humiliation triggers if we do some exploring.

Here are portions of some posts that I find intriguing and helps me understand why I like the concept of humiliation so much.

Humiliation seems to be one of the kinks that gets a lot of people saying ‘oh no, I’m not into that’, when I think in reality a lot of us play with it without even knowing that is what we are doing. The spectrum of humiliation play is vast, and there are so many ways to play with it and not all of them involve stereotype phrases like ‘you’re a pathetic, snivelling, dirty little worm’, although I have used the word pathetic once or twice, and there’s nothing wrong with that at all, if your partner is receptive to it.

What I have discovered though is tone and context are everything. Calling your partner simple because they bought the wrong beans at the supermarket, not nice. Calling them simple because they are all sub-spacey and can’t use their words properly, super sexy. Pointing out they can’t use their words properly, and trying to get them to speak, even sexier. Continuing this until they’re completely incoherent and then highlighting how they’re not longer even a proper person but just a support system for a cock, insanely sexy.

Those kinds of things are only fun for me though because Bakji reacts well to them. It is not fun for me to make some cry because I’ve said something triggering and they are tears of genuine upset. It is however fun to make someone cry because they are desperate to come, extremely frustrated and mildly concerned that you’re going to drive them insane with your sexy FemDom sorcery. I haven’t actually made Bakji cry yet, but I will, and when I do it will be glorious, and I will laugh, and he will adore me for it.

When `I’m not embracing my monstrous FemDom ego, I’m lovely. I’m very nurturing and kind, I don’t say mean things and I don’t laugh at other people’s misfortune. Which means it is rather liberating to go against the grain and embrace my inner bitch. 

I also know where to draw the line. When our scene ends, words are of affection and affirmation. It is beyond important for Bakji to know that the things said during play, are part of our play and not part of our non-kink time together.

One of the common things that come up on forums about BDSM, or even about sex, is not knowing what to say. Whether that’s for humiliation play or for sexy talk. I would have said the exact same thing, I also would have said that the idea of speaking during intimate moments was a no go for me. When I started Topping Bakji though I noticed that I started doing this completely naturally. Often all I will do is point out how hard he is, or how badly he wants to kiss me and just the very act of pointing out his very obvious desire and arousal is enough to get the erotic humiliation ball rolling. For anyone who thinks this seems really low level kink and doubts it’s effectiveness I urge you to give it a go, with consent of course.

This all might sound a little bit stereotypical Dominatrix, and I think that probably stops a lot of people testing the waters with humiliation play, but I think it’s worth noting that I do all this with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. Even when you reach the realms of extreme humiliation and degradation, you can still embrace an element of fun when doing it and one would hope that you’re doing it to share an awesome and kinky experience with your bottom, and if that isn’t something to smile about then I don’t know what is.

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What does it mean if you desire humiliation play?

“But I raised you to be a nice girl…”

My mother has said this a few times during conversations about the last 16 years of a career in kink. I’ve been lucky to be able to be open with her and while I definitely don’t go into specifics, she knows that humiliation play has been a big part of my kink experience and that I’ve written a book about it.

So my usual response is something along the lines of;

“And no one can say ‘Lick this floor!”‘ as nicely as I can!”

The assumption that someone has to be cruel or mean or insecure to enjoy humiliation play is probably the most common stereotype associated with “enjoying” feelings that most people spend their lives trying to avoid. But the interest in adventuring in the darker side of life doesn’t make you a bad or broken person. Instead, you’re likely to be confident, creative and probably at least a little confused about the meaning of your own desires.

Let’s break it down.

You’re probably pretty confident.
This is one that goes against the stereotype in a major way. One of the most frequent concerns/questions I hear is whether those who enjoy sexual-psychological torment (on both sides of the play) have issues with confidence, including low self-esteem or the need to “bully” others. But in reality, those that want this kind of play tend to be plenty confident, if not more so than others. And that’s true for BOTH sides of the humiliation dynamic.

“The humiliation for me does not come from a lack of confidence or self esteem, but from the interplay between knowing I am strong, smart, capable, and knowing I get turned on from being told I am none of those things and less.” – Em the Sissy

You’re probably pretty creative.
Even if you struggle to come up with specific ideas for humiliation play, you probably have a tendency towards creative fantasy. You’re also probably pretty smart. One common thread I’ve noticed between kinksters is that they’re thinkers, you have to be willing to dream outside of the box to come up with an unorthodox desire like this!

“I like the psychological reading of people. Finding those mental please-pain buttons and trying to find the perfect time to press them.” – EQ

Not all types of erotic humiliation will “work” for you.
Your kink is super personal! You can’t expect to just throw experiences at the wall and hope they stick. Just because you’re turned on by one type of erotic humiliation play (for example being turned into furniture) doesn’t mean you’ll like other types (such as chastity or orgasm control.) I talk all the time about how ‘erotic humiliation’ is a state of mind, not a specific activity. For some, spanking is liberating and for others it inspires (sexually arousing) embarrassment.

“Here is the thing, anything can be humiliation with the right people and the right context. What may be innocent and sweet to me may be devastatingly humiliating to you.” – Kk

“I find it somewhat problematic that a large part of my sexuality is associated with shame and humiliation since I don’t actually think there’s anything shameful or wrong about what I’m doing. On the other hand, I’m happy that I do have the fetish to play with, and I find it extremely fulfilling to.” – Ella Notte

As I’ve mentioned, even among kinksters a desire for humiliation can be tough to talk about, and even tougher to implement. There’s plenty of myths to battle and a lack of language to contend with. It can be tough to articulate your desires, limits and fears. Even with someone who’s totally on-board, the execution of psychologically kinky play is much harder to orchestrate than a simple spanking or light bondage. You and your partners will have to be willing to use your words and to bring compassion for each other into your play in order to dance on the edge together safely.

“I sometimes balk at sharing my fantasies of erotic humiliation with my Master for fear that He will judge me (even though this has never happened and He eagerly embraced and allowed me to explore other erotic humiliation fantasies).” – Ashley Rose

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I happen to be someone who enjoys a type of kink known as erotic humiliation.  Even in the realm of BDSM, sexual humiliation can still be an uncomfortable topic.  Everyone is used to spanking, flogging, and bondage by now. These subjects can sometimes seem — dare I say — pedestrian.  Unfortunately, I don’t particularly enjoy pain play. Not on its own anyway. Even with an experienced Dom I only come close to the edge but not over it.  What takes me to that place involves hands intertwined in my hair, my head pulled back, being forced to my knees, being told what I can and cannot do, and having to ask or even beg for release ...  And it all starts with the words, “Are you my dirty whore?”

It’s not just pain or forceful physical dominance that get me going. The power is also in the words — in the triggers.  In the real world I don’t approve of the words “whore” or “slut” being used to shame someone. I also don’t like being told what to do. Tell me not to do something, say something, or wear something and I’ll immediately want to do it.  In the realm of play, though, the things I can’t abide in real life become eroticized. Strongly delivered, these words are a major turn on.  I long to be told what to do. I want to give my Sir complete control of me. I enjoy every “Please, Sir” and “Thank you, Sir” I utter.

I’m aroused by the fear of being punished for not completing a task or forgetting to ask permission. These triggers are strong and can even work when written. I’ve been reduced to a wet mess with just a text.  It’s not about the smack on the ass or a cane across the thighs. It’s about the power exchange. It’s the ultimate mind f*ck.  At its core, erotic humiliation is about using embarrassment, fear and shame. These aspects can run the spectrum from verbal to physical.

It’s also important to note that humiliation and dominance are not exactly the same thing. Humiliation doesn’t always involve being ordered about. Strict humiliation without dominance is when words and actions are used to belittle, not to dominate. The Domme, in the absence of dominance, is sometimes called a Humiliatrix.

Personally, I like humiliation along with dominance and good dose of bondage thrown in. It’s less about embarrassment for me than it is about giving up control.

Erotic humiliation itself can be broken down into two varieties: verbal and physical.

1. Verbal humiliation.

This can mean any of the following:

Use of words like slut or whore.
Being mocked, ridiculed or having your appearance belittled.
Having to ask permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm.
Being confined to the dungeon or house.
Being treated like a pet or an object.
Being treated or scolded like a child.
Made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy.
Examples may include using demeaning language with the sub within forced feminization, pet play or slave scenes.

2. Physical humiliation.

This can mean any of the following:

Being slapped or spanked.
Having your movement restricted.
Participating in orgasm denial or being made to orgasm on demand.
Sexual denial by command or use of chastity device.
Having an enforced dress code (i.e.: forced cross dressing) or being required to wear nothing.
Deprival of privacy, such as being watched using the toilet.
Being required to wear a collar.
Performing acts of body worship.
Performing tasks or acts of service.
Being used as furniture.
Being ejaculated on or spit on.
Being used as a human toilet.
Cuckolding.
Performing sexual acts without reciprocation.

Examples may include be the use of spanking to humiliate a sub as though he or she is a child, using someone as a chair or footrest, or asking the sub to do something embarrassing in public.

Erotic humiliation, just like pain play, requires discussion and negotiation beforehand to state desired play, set limits and agreement on safe words.  It's important to establish a clear safe word in play, as words like “No," “Stop," “Ouch,” or “Help” may actually be part of the scenario.  You also need to decide whether these experiences take place only as scenes, or whether they will be a part of your everyday life.  It is vital to have a Top you trust and feel comfortable with. Erotic humiliation is about discovering erotic triggers. Constant communication on both sides of the D/s relationship helps to know not only what works, but also what doesn’t.

It can be difficult to understand from the outside why someone would find the eroticization of humiliation such a turn on.  It can look frighteningly like abuse to someone else. It’s important to know that both the Dom/Top and the sub/bottom are engaging in play that arouses the other. Humiliation is not just about pleasuring yourself, but pleasuring your play partner as well.  The sub tells the Dom what they would and would not like to do, and vice versa, so it is always consensual. Even rape play that looks non-consensual is negotiated ahead of time, with safe words and limits.

Sources: https://flossdoeslife.com/2017/12/06/1952/

http://www.enoughtomakeyoublush.com/blog/
https://www.yourtango.com/2016297004/why-strong-women-love-kinky-bdsm-sexual-humiliation

Heading in the right direction

After many years of fits and starts I truly believe we are heading in a direction that will put me further and further under Mistress' control.  I'm very excited.

Since we both work from home now Mistress truly has the ability to control me 24/7 if she so chooses.  Gone are the days where she would head off to work and I would be able to do whatever I wanted.  I am incredibly excited about the direction this can go and hope that there is no turning back.

Last night as Mistress and I were about to get into bed, Mistress threw something on the bed.  I looked down and it was a pair of keys.  Mistress told me to remove my chastity device as she wanted to use her cock.  I went into the bathroom and removed my device and used a wet wash cloth to clean any scent from her cock.  I went back into the bedroom and Mistress was lying on a couple of towels and was playing with herself.  Almost as soon as I climbed back into bed, I got very hard and I was inside of Mistress almost instantly.  I thought for sure that I would be in the edge in no time, but I was able to go longer than I expected.  Even though I went longer than expected it still wasn't long enough to get Mistress off.  When I stopped to keep myself from cumming, Mistress had me use my fingers on her G-spot.  I teased and edged her a couple times before giving her an orgasm. 

After her orgasm she told me to put my cock inside her.  I did and as I got closer to the edge, Mistress asked me when my last orgasm was.  I told her that it was November 22nd or 8 weeks and 1 day.  I added that I was in chastity the entire time less 2 days.  Mistress told me that she felt it was time for me to have an orgasm.  I pathetically begged her to not make me cum and that I would to anything to avoid that fate.  I then told her flat out that I was going to refuse her order and accept any punishment she decided to dish out.  After a few minutes of her telling me to cum with my cock inside of her and me refusing, Mistress  told me to giver her another orgasm with my fingers.  This time I got her off in less than 30 seconds.  I then put my cock inside Mistress and after a few strokes she told me to stop.  I didn't.  She commanded me to stop a few more times before I relented.  She told me she was done with me and to lock myself back up.  I offered to give her another orgasm but she refused.

I went into the bathroom, washed my cock off again and locked myself back into chastity under Mistress' supervision.  Mistress hid the keys as I went back to bed.  When Mistress got back into bed, she teased my balls and told me to put the cane on her bathroom vanity when I got up in the morning.  She plans on caning me and she also plans on restraining me for it.  I asked her to not restrain me and see how much I am able to take, but she refused saying she didn't want to have to deal with me being unrestrained.

To be fair, her concern is warranted.  I believe that a proper beating requires restraints.  A fight or flight response will happen if she beats me the way I need to be beaten.  I need to be pushed past that point and the only way is with restraints.  There will be a point where I will get mad and if I am tied up there is nothing I can do about it.  I need to stay tied up until I have recovered from the anger and frustration and am back into my submissive mindset.  I'm not big on aftercare, but some tenderness and discussion while I am still tied up and recovering is the way I imagine being the most beneficial.  Being given a verbal reminder that I have asked for this a long time and I am finally getting the cruelty I have begged for, for so long.

As we drifted off to sleep I thanks Mistress for not making me cum.  I didn't want to be the guy that I am after an orgasm  I also assured Mistress again that I am very excited about where we are headed and that no matter what, I am hers to do with as she pleases.  I let her know that she doesn't need to worry about pushing me to hard or being too cruel.  No matter what she does to me I will take it.  I am here to serve, be her domestic slave, her sex slave, her sissy slave and do whatever she wishes.

Side note.  For whatever reason I can't think about a spanking without thinking of a pair of panties I have like these.  It seems like the perfect target as the butt is framed and exposed.  However, I have been reading about how important the spot where the thighs meet the butt is such a good punishment spot and these cover that spot. 

          

Submitting

This morning I am wearing pink yoga pants and a white fuzzy sweatshirt that is long enough to be worn as a very short skirt.  Mistress chose them for me last night to wear.  Putting them on this morning along with a nice spray of perfume has me sitting at my desk with a nice little sub-spacey buzz.  I love it when she chooses my attire or makes me dress and/or wear feminine items.

The other day, I took the cane from the dungeon storage closet and placed it on the bed in our bedroom before work.  It was where I left it when I came home from work so I moved it to a less obvious place.  I wasn't sure how serious Mistress was about having the cane readily available for her use on me.  Ever since then she keeps bringing it up so I am fairly certain I will soon be subjected an almost daily caning.  I'd like to say that it frightens me, but my cock is hard.  It's hard, not because I want to be spanked, but because I want her to wield her power over me, in all aspects of my life.

This last paragraph I'm calling my encouragement paragraph.  It's easy to doubt one's self playing in the D/s dynamic, especially the female led dynamic.  I want to let Mistress know that it't still very OK with me to keep me locked in chastity, collared, denied, and selfishly used for her pleasure.  It's OK to make sure I am doing all the chores she doesn't want to do, to keep me locked in the cage, to force me to do things I don't want to do.  It's OK to severely punish me for being disrespectful, to humiliate me, to have me serve you in any way you can dream up.  Don't worry about going too far or pushing me too hard.  We are a long way from my limits.  I just want you to to feel confident with your power over me.  I also want you to feel confident that I am here to protect you and love you as are my Queen.   

 

What Pillow Talk Escalates To In My Mind

Last night at bedtime Mistress has fondling my balls as we had some pillow talk.  As she teased my balls, her cock grew harder in it's cock cage, straining for release.  I got worked up quickly.  While the physical stimulation certainly got me hot, it was the verbal stimulation that really got me going.

Mistress mentioned that she needed to start picking out my outfits each night before bed.  I can only hope that means she is interested in pushing me back toward my feminine side.  There is something deliciously humiliating about every little feminine thing she has me do.

She also mentioned that out of all the caning pictures I posted yesterday, that none of the men were tied up.  I did that to show how simple a daily maintenance spanking can be.  Mistress indicated that she thought if we did it without restraints that I would get hit once and then I would stop her.  I told her that it would obviously depend on how hard she hit me, but I would do my best to take it.  She then told me to bring the cane to the bedroom the next day.  Uh-oh!

When Mistress decides to start this I will try as hard as I can to stay in place.  I believe that I could take a mild caning without needing to be restrained.  Mistress could add to my resolve to not move by threatening certain things if I moved.  Added strokes, starting over, corner time, cage time, sitting on something sharp, etc.  I could imagine Mistress hitting me harder with the intent of making me move so she could further add to my torment.

Spiked mat to protect carpet from office chairs used for recently spanked butts

 
If I move too much, either because she just wants to make me move, or because I truly deserve a punishment, I can make it so that she can easily restraint me in 30-60 seconds.  A caning where I have no choice but to move as the fight or flight response kicks in.

Now we haven't played with the cane very much so I hope we ease into this so that it becomes a growing experience for us both.  I am very excited to have Mistress feel super confident in doling out a proper caning.

Here are a few pictures of more extreme caning scenes where the subject has to be tied down.  These are not even close to some totally brutal ones I found.  After those are some fun infographics on spanking in general.