It's been about a week and a half since I have worn anything feminine. It's been over a week since I have worn my collar. It's been 3 weeks since I was in chastity during Mistress last period. It's been since March 26th since I have been tied down.
Why? Many reasons. Summer is coming around which means more time outside especially during daylight hours. I don't have very many clothes that are both feminine and deniable, so I have casually been letting it slide. We recently went on a trip. Unfortunately since it was a beach trip I had to remove the nail polish on my toes. Also, I tried wearing my collar but it gave me a white ring around my neck. The idea of a permanently tanned collar is kind of hot, but it looked stupid so we decided against it. Mistress didn't enforce feminine attire on this trip which was sad but also a relief. It was super hot and the kind of panties I have would have been super annoying. Although me being uncomfortable and inconvenienced for Mistress pleasure is part of the appeal as well.
Since we started embarking on be being feminized as much as possible it's gotten easier for me. However Mistress has been having me wear male clothes on the weekend which makes it much harder for me to go back to femme on Mondays. Now that I have had almost 2 weeks off, I am finding it that much harder to go back. This morning as I started to wake up, I thought about getting up and putting on my perfume. I thought about what I would wear. My cock got hard as I thought about putting on my heels and a dress. I fantasized for a quick minute and then I felt stupid. My insecurities came up (bigger than usual) and I couldn't force myself to do it.
Officially I am disobeying existing rules. But I don't want to be disobeying. I want to obey. I want to do what I am told. I want to feel the shame and humiliation of being dressed in a feminine manner. I want to be Mistress's desperate, needy slut.
Unfortunately this is where my insecurities are overriding my submissiveness. It happens and I don't like it. At this juncture, the "forced" part of forced feminization is what is needed. To be forced (or coerced) tells me that it is OK for me to be vulnerable again. Being reminded that Mistress wants this from me is all of a sudden, very important again. I have to override my insecurities about what society considers masculine. I am reminded of the term "recalibration" that Mistress likes to use. I have drifted and I need to be brought back to our reality. To do what Mistress requires of me. To be held accountable.
Writing this post is giving me butterflies. I feel like I am being a pushy bottom. I feel like I am asking Mistress to do something she doesn't want to do. I have no reason to feel this way, but I do.
While on our trip Mistress and I had some really good sex. We spent a lot of great time together. We didn't venture into too much D/s talk. I didn't look at any porn unless it shot across my twitter feed. When I came home I had a bunch of Tumblr feeds to get caught back up on. I was so far behind that I had to only look at a handful of posts and delete the rest. This certainly got me back into a state of mind.
Here are a handful of pics I found hot while cleaning up my blog list.