The year in review

2017 was tough for me professionally and financially, but on the D/s side of things I was very fortunate.  As I was waking up this morning with Mistress cock straining against its chastity cage, I realized my kinky side had a lot to be thankful for.  Here is a rundown of my submissive 2017.

• I had only 21 orgasms in 2017.  This is a new record for me.  18-20 years ago when I traveled for a loving I came at least 2-3 times a day if not 4-5.  I would estimate I have 900-1000 orgasms per year back in my younger more sexually selfish days.

• I had zero orgasms in February, July and December.

• I had only one orgasm in March, September, and November.

• In May I had 6 orgasms or more than 25% of the whole year.

• I set a new record of 72 days straight with no orgasm.

•  I spent 103 days in chastity.  That beats my previous best year by more than a month.  That is far more than any year in my life.  It is also a great starting point to try for 365 days in 2018.

• I just no realized that I am now in the longest period of continuous chastity in my life at 37 days and counting.  My previous record was 28 days, 2 years ago around this same time of year.  I am very excited to find that out.

•  I was dressed in feminine attire more in 2017 than all of my previous years combined.  Not only was I dressed more, I wore perfume more, I wore heels more, I wore bras more, and I stayed dressed for entire days, not just a couple of hours.  2017 was not a record year for nighty wearing however.

• I embraced my feminine side.

• I embraced wearing a chastity device.

• I spent more hours locked in a cage than I ever have.  This is not pleasure at all, so accepting it has been good for my submissive development.

• Mistress has started using me for her sexual pleasure while not concerning herself with my pleasure.

In so many ways 2017 was a banner year for me in my submissive mind.  I am very fortunate to have a Mistress that accepts me for who I am and wants to help push me further.  So that being said, here are my submissive goals for 2018

• My #1 goal is to break my nasty attitude and demeaning manner when communicating with Mistress.  This part of me is the only part of my father I have in me.  It's part of who I am unfortunately.  It doesn't mean it can't be corrected.  I cannot break it by myself, so I have requested Mistress to do whatever it takes to help me make it go away.  We are coming up with a plan to help me, but I want to reassure her that she can do whatever it takes to break me of this nastiness. I need to fear the consequences.

• Fewer orgasms.  I think something in the 2-6 range would be good, although an entire year without one sounds very exciting.

• 365 days of chastity.  I don't know if this is possible, but it is something I am serious about making happen.

• Being collared 365 days.  This morning I locked my collar back on.  I will have a plan for being able to travel with my collar on as well.

• I would like to be dressed feminine much more, but it's been so long since I have been fully dressed than I am insecure about it and need Mistress to coerce me a bit.  It's not just dress either, just something to keep enforcing my feminine side.

• Becoming more of a servant to Mistress.  From serving her wine, to helping her bathe, I want to truly serve her like a servant in ancient Egypt would serve his Mistress.

• Being used by Mistress for sexual pleasure much more.

• Starting to play in some darker areas.  Exploring things like temporary banishment, public feminization, forced-bi, and cuckolding.  These last 2 are not something I want for real, but I do think being verbally taunted and threatened with them are kind of hot.  I love a good mind-fuck.

• Now that Mistress and I both work from home, Mistress can fully control me in ways she couldn't working from an office.

• To be more owned then ever before and for Mistress to be more pleased than ever before.   

In closing, I want to wish everyone a Happy New year and a prosperous 2018.  I'd also like to thank Mistress for a record breaking 2017!

  

Wrecked

This morning I woke up with the lingering effects of a tease and torture session with Mistress last night.  Mistress and I went out with friends for happy hour and on our way home Mistress told me she was going to make me pay for recent transgressions.  When we got home, Mistress instructed me to put on some music and for me to take off my chastity device and clean up her cock.  While I did that, Mistress got out some implements for pleasure and for pain.  

As I was putting my restraints on, Mistress had me put the big rubber bands on my thighs.  I really wish I never introduced those evil rubber bands to her.  Once my restraints were on, Mistress tied me down spread-eagle to the bed and blindfolded me.  The first thing Mistress did was put her lips on her cock.  It had been so long since I have had any sensation on her cock, the sensation was kind of confusing, but it did feel good.  Next Mistress clamped my nipples with something but I wasn't sure if it was clothespins or clover clamps, but the first one she put on was just on the tip and it hurt for more than the one that had a bit more skin.  I tried to suck it up and deal with it but I had to ask her to reposition it which she did.  Mistress didn't leave them on very long and when she removed them the pain was intense.  Unfortunately I can't feel any residual pain this morning.  There is something very hot about having nipple pain for a day or 2 after a scene.

Mistress also put a glass dildo up my ass and held the Hitachi to it.  It seems like it was against my prostate. I thought for sure that I was going to have cum milked out of me or have an actual anal orgasm.  I think Mistress' goal was to have me leak enough to have something to eat, but I was able to resist.  I forget how much I love having something in my ass.  I feel like such a slut as I try to take it deeper.

The rest of our scene is a blur to me as I got super high off of the combination of happy hour drinks and the endorphins from her abuse.  For about an hour, Mistress edged me multiple times.  She also snapped the rubber bands multiple times of which I have some nice residual marks.  My balls were smacked multiple times while I got scolded for my recent attitude.  The worst part is that Mistress kept me from enjoying any part of her body.  I begged for kisses, or to taste her but she refused my requests.  As best as I can tell she didn't even pleasure herself.  

During this time we discussed a plan for correcting my recent attitude.  Mistress and I are now working together in a new business venture.  I have a lot of experience in this industry and Mistress is new.  I find myself getting frustrated and I end up speaking in a disrespectful manner as well as talking down to Mistress.  This is a behavior that I hate about myself and I seriously want it corrected.  Once the plan is formalized, I will post it here.  

When Mistress was done torturing me, she undid 2 of my limbs and went to the rest room.  I undid my right hand and proceeded to edge myself one more time before she got out of the bathroom.  She had me lock myself back in chastity and then had me clean the room.  While cleaning the room I had to try something out.  I was able to edge myself one more time by holding the Hitachi against my cock cage.  We might have to disable the Hitachi 😊  

The rest of the night I was an absolute mess.  The bondage, the pain, and the edging left me in a hyper sexualized state.  I kept feeling the urge to grab her cock and get myself off, but I couldn't due to the device locked on my cock.  I don't think I will ever be unlocked again.  

We proceeded to discuss the plan to correct my misbehavior while working together.  I assured her this is something I not only want, but I need.  I have agreed that whatever she needs to do me I will accept.  I want to be owned and I cannot be owned if I treat her this way.  I said I doubted her resolve to do this.  Mistress assured me that she did, so long as I was serious about changing.  Mistress commented that she will start making me kneel when I get out of line.  That's probably one of the hottest things she has ever said to me.  Mistress isn't a big fan of kneeling but I now believe she sees how it can 'take me down a notch' and put her in a superior position.

As I was waking up this morning, I was still feeling the powerful effects last night.  I am so horny and desperate, it's making my head spin.  I so want to touch Mistress' locked cock.  I so want to service Mistress all day long with massages, painting her toenails and by giving her orgasms.  I so want to be dressed up as a little whore sissy.  I so want to be locked in a straight jacket and put away for the day.  I so want to have my current state used to push me further into submission.  I am wrecked and I love it.  

           

Used and put away

Last night at bedtime Mistress decided she needed to have an orgasm.  She has me unlock myself and told me I would need to be locked up first thing this morning.  I advised her that may not be a good idea and that it would be best for me to be locked back up immediately after she was done using me.

Mistress just started her period and was a bit insecure about it.  I assured her that I am fine with that and it's easy to clean off if there is an issue.  It felt amazing to be inside Mistress again after more than 2 weeks.  She warned me not to cum.  I assured her I didn't have any intention of cumming.  I was able to hold off from cumming more than I thought I would be able to, but Mistress made it difficult.  She was pinching my nipples nice and hard, hard enough I can still feel it this morning and it makes my cock throb.  She also added some commentary that nearly pushed me over the edge a few times.  I am not sure of the order of her comments, but the few I remember are as follows.

• This morning I was to put on the shocking dog collar around my balls.  The cage is a great deterrent, but it makes it so she can't use me.  With the shocking collar on my balls she can punish me and keep me close and useful.  

• I was to start handling the dry cleaning as she no longer wants to do that particular chore.  She also told me that she would be delegating more and more things to me.  

• She was considering not letting me sleep in our bed at some point in the future.  My head just spun writing that sentence.

• She is considering having me move the cage into the living room.   

• My life is about to get tougher. I assured her that is what I am asking for.  

As I kept getting closer to cumming, Mistress didn't want me to have an accident, so she had me use my fingers.  I can make her cum hard and fast using my fingers.  I was in heaven.  Pleasing my Mistress while my cock was being totally ignored.  Making her cum was my only priority, as it should be.

I was able to get her off a couple times and she let me put my cock inside her.  After a short while she told me to get off of her, clean up and lock myself back up.  It was perfect.  I wouldn't have changed a thing.

As I awoke this morning I realized how lucky I was to be locked up again.  Mistress got up before me and the temptation to touch myself would have been too much.  I know I would have tried to edge myself.  I wouldn't have tried to orgasm, as I love the amount of sexual chemicals running through my veins.  I fear that I wouldn't stop edging soon enough and I would have an accident that I would be to embarrassed and scared to admit to Mistress.  Being locked up gave me that extra bit of help I needed.

I love being owned and locked by my Mistress.

   

An orgasm hasn't helped

Tuesday morning I was released from chastity after 5 days for a Dr's appointment.  Mistress and I had sex on Wednesday morning.  It was the first time we had sex in 26 days and therefore my first orgasm in nearly a month.  I am certain Mistress didn't wait 26 days for her orgasm.  I am sure she has had many which is a very hot idea of her cumming so many times while I don't.

Prior to being locked in chastity I had been going through a very difficult patch emotionally about work.  When Mistress locked me up, an amazing thing happened.  All of that negative destructive energy got redirected into my libido, my sexuality and my submissiveness.  I was very horny and very such wanting to be under Mistress' firm control.

When we were having sex on Wednesday morning I was able to give Mistress an orgasm before I got to the edge myself.  Her pussy felt so amazing on my cock.  Mistress told me to cum.  I begged to not cum, as I didn't want to lose this horny neediness that I had back to disappear.  As much as I wanted to stay orgasm free, my cock really needed the stimulation.  I asked Mistress for permission to cum and in a few strokes was able to fill her up with my cum.  She was kind and didn't require me to clean her up with my tongue.  We got out of bed and spent the rest of the day decorating the house for Christmas and getting ready for Thanksgiving.

Yesterday morning I tried to get a sexual repeat of the previous day.  The orgasm I had Wednesday did absolutely nothing to reduce my horniness.  In fact, I was even more horny.  The chastity and the orgasm reminded me of my place.  My submissive soul was released from the anxiety I had been experiencing for so long.  I believe that D/s has some therapeutic powers for guys wired like me and this seems to be one of those cases.  I was horny and ornery with Mistress most of Thursday morning.  Mistress was annoyed enough that she told me she would have locked me in the cage if she didn't need my help.  I commented, that maybe that was the reason I was being snarky.  She couldn't do much about it.  I spent the rest of the morning following orders and helping Mistress get ready for Thanksgiving.

At bedtime last night my libido was back on 10.  I tried to initiate a bit, but Mistress was tired and didn't let me get too far with my initiation.  That didn't stop my libido.  As I drifted off to sleep I realized Mistress and I had the next full 3 days and nights all to ourselves.  We had nowhere to be, and nothing to do.  My submissive mind quickly started coming up with ideas.  

A couple paragraphs below this one I am going to describe in detail my 3 day fantasies.  I am writing this to communicate and to get it out of my head.  However these descriptions could also be considered me being a pushy bottom.  Below the row of asteriks are my descriptions.  If you believe this communication is me pushing form the bottom, please don't proceed.

Lastly, I have been bad.  At bed time I was so horny I thought about sneaking off to rub one out.  I didn't.  When I woke up at midnight to go to the bathroom, I was awake for about an hour and a half with thoughts running through my mind.  I touched myself The first time I stroked my cock just to get it hard.  When it got soft, I did it a 2nd time.  When it got soft I did it a 3rd time, but before stopping I took two fingers and rubbed the most sensitive part of my cock like a girl would rub her clit.  I managed to edge 3 times before stopping long enough to fall asleep.  When I woke up at 5am, I had a hard-on and proceeded to squeeze it and push it around as it felt so good.  When I got out of bed I had already planned on writing this post.  I knew I would be aroused and had already demonstrated a lock of self control, so I locked myself back up in chastity and left the keys on Mistress' vanity.   Apparently the orgasm I had made me hornier.

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Fantasy #1 - The Prisoner.  This fantasy involves me spending a full 3 days in much the same way a prisoner in jail would spend their time.  Mistress would have me prep everything in advance.  I imagine being put in very plain clothes, like sweats or plain pajamas.  Mistress would take me to our spare bedroom in the basement.  I would already be locked in chastity.  Upon arriving I would see a long length of chain coming from the bathroom in the bedroom.  It would reach to one side of the bed.  Mistress would lock the chain to my ankle to keep me from leaving the room.  She would leave me there for the next 3 days.  Visiting me only to feed me very plain meals.  I would have no phone, no TV, no computer.  It wouldn't be fun, but the loss of control would be so intense for me.  I wonder if I would try to use my safe-word?  She could also change it up.  Lock me up as before, but put me on 'work release' several times throughout the day.  I would be released from my cell only to be shackled to make her meals, be given chores, made to clean the bathrooms, etc.  I might be sent to the wardens office and used sexually before being returned my my cell.  Insubordination or doing a poor job cleaning would be dealt with harshly.  Time in the 'hole' (aka the cage) or the straight jacket overnight.  There are many hot prisoner scenarios online, but the ones over many days are very hot to me.  3 days seems to fit the bill perfectly.

Fantasy #2 - Sissy, Slave, Slut weekend.  I imagine going upstairs as soon as Mistress wakes up.  I would draw a hot bath and shave every hair off of my body, including my facial hair.  When I got done, I would lock up in chastity and I would plug my sissy hole with a butt plug.  I would then paint my toenails and fingernails in a color or colors picked out by Mistress.  While waiting for my polish to dry I would put on mascara, eyeliner, eye shadow, etc.  It's been a couple years since I have worn makeup, so I might need some help.  I would then dress in an outfit picked out by Mistress but most certainly something elaborate including stockings, bra inserts, corsets, etc..  Over the course of the next 3 days and nights I would live as Mistress female slave.  I would be expected to do chores in any outfit she chooses.  I would bathe Mistress. I would shave Mistress.  I would dress Mistress.  I would give her foot massages or full body massages.  I would service her sexually in any way she desires.  My cock would be locked away the entire time.  My ass would have something in it every waking hour and possibly 24/7 if I can endure it.  I would spend incredible amounts of time with my tongue between her legs.  I would be using my fingers, toys, or the dildo gag to give Mistress orgasms all weekend.  I would spend hours sucking on a strap-on either attached to Mistress' hips or attached to something else if she didn't want to wear it.  I would have to put on a fashion show.  Ever time I would see my nail polished hands I would be reminded of how feminine I have become with Mistress' encouragement and assistance.  Every bit of maleness would be swept aside.  Lastly at some point over the 3 days she would take me out of the house fully dressed.  We'd take her car as her windows aren't tinted.  We might even drop me off in one corner of a parking lot and make me walk to the other side.

                                    

Some other ideas I had, but without descriptions.  Collar, multiple predicament bondage scenarios I could pre-setup, panty water, shocking dog collar, gay/trans video torture, self prostate milking, online cam, e-stim, sleeping in bondage, frozen fluids, fucking machine, molly, Walmart humiliation, interrogation, bachelor games, iphone counter game, deepthroat, remote control, forced multiple orgasms, 

Upcoming punishment

Yesterday I had to work for a few hours.  When I got to work I realized I had forgotten some things I needed.  I texted Mistress and she offered to bring me my missing items.  When she got to where I was working, I met her at her car so she didn't have to come in.  I had intended Mistress to bring a stack of brochures and she brought 2.  However she was right, I didn't specify.  I was frustrated and spoke in a way that I shouldn't have to her.  When she left I realized the missing brochures were not a big deal as she brought me enough other items that I could use.  I texted to apologize and we talked about needing to improve my organizational skills.  Then she texted me this and you can see my reply.

         

I hate to admit it but I got an immediate hard on.  That being said I truly dislike the cage.  It's not a painful punishment, but it's uncomfortable  It's boring.  It's tedious and makes me reflect. A lot.  There are worse punishments, but this one is very easy for Mistress to administer.  

We got through the rest of the day, but a few times I tried to hit on Mistress she told me "no" and that I was forbidden to touch her or be intimate with her.    

At bedtime we got into bed.  Mistress told me I would be caged on Sunday at some point.  She also added that I would be be wearing my butt plug, my chastity device, a straight jacket and my 8-inch ballet shoes.  I got a hard-on.  Not because of the items she mentioned, but because the intends this to be more difficult than I thought she would.  I then said to her with a snarky tone "is that all?"  For some stupid reason I was trying to poke the bear.  

Then Mistress asked if I could be trusted to not wear my chastity device overnight and into the morning.  I then continued to be snarky with her by saying "I guess we will have to see".  She said if she suspected that I touched myself I would spend the entire day in the cage.  I said something to the effect of "if I tell you that is", and then I told her I would be fine.  She could trust me.  Within 10 seconds I knew that wasn't 100% true.  I am in such a state of mind right now, I can't even trust myself.  Especially when I am unsupervised from the time I wake up until I go to work.  The level of my horniness and submissiveness means I cannot be trusted.  I told Mistress that I indeed can't be trusted and that I would lock myself back up immediately.  After forcing my hard cock back into my CB-6000 device I left the key on Mistress' nightstand so that I wouldn't be tempted to mess with it in the morning.

I fell asleep until I had to use the restroom at around 2:30 AM.  As I crawled back into bed I contemplated the next day.  At some point in the day Mistress will likely ask if I am ready for my punishment.  I will say yes.  She will tell me to go plug myself and meet her down stairs in the basement.  I will arrive in the basement and will see things set up.  Mistress will have me remove my clothes.  I will have to sit on floor to put on the 8-inch ballet heels.  These make it so that I cannot stand or walk and that I must crawl.  These shows alone cripple me.  I will then lie back and slide the straight jacket straps over my ankles and then I will kneel so I can put my arms in it and raise it over my shoulders.  Mistress can then strap me tightly into it.  Getting into the cage will be awkward as I can't use my hands.  I have to use my face on the ground to crawl in.  Once in, Mistress will close the door, but with my hands in the jacket and my feet in the shoes, a lock is just redundant at this point. I will be here until she decides to release me.  

Then for at least 2 hours I will be left to lie there and contemplate.  I have been in the cage in the straight jacket once before, but then I was barefoot.  I was able to use my toes to grab the bars of the cage and move myself a bit to get comfortable.  I won't be able to do that today as I will be in those ballet heels.  The heels also have the effect of making the cage 8 inches shorter.  Add to that the straps of the straight jacket that go between the legs push the butt plug much deeper in my ass.  

So for at least 2 hours I will be lying there thinking of how I acted toward Mistress and my overall situation.  I will be fantasizing that Mistress is upstairs masturbating, so turned on by my situation, that she has to cum.  In all likely-hood she will be watching TV.  

I will also be counting my blessings that I have such a Mistress.  One that will not only tolerate my kinks, but one that will help me grow and train me the way we both know I need.  To punish me when I deserve it, which frankly I deserve more often.  It takes a very special woman to be able to be mean and cruel to a man she loves, but that it exactly what I need in my life.  I just need to be sure to be as sweet and kind and gentle with her, as that is what she needs.  

I am a very lucky man to have a firm and strict Mistress.

      

Harsh treatment adds fuel to my fire.

I am very worked up again today.  I just realized that the reason I am so worked up is due to the way Mistress treated me on Saturday.  It's the fact that my toenails are painted according to her specifications and not mine.  It's because I still have bruises in the insides of my thighs.  It's because the perfume I am wearing now reminds me of a pair of panties on my face.  It's because my groin muscles hurt from being tied spread eagle so tight.  If I was a normal guy I would not want to repeat Saturday, but because I am not normal, I not only want to repeat it, I want to endure even more.

Last night I woke up a few times.  I was imagining bad treatment.  I imagined the cage being moved into the spare bedroom so Mistress has easier access to lock me up.  I imagined Mistress setting out my underwear for the day - every day.  The underwear just so happens to be the dirty ones she wore the previous day.  I imagined Mistress making me start eating cum again.  I imagined wearing the shocking dog collar on my balls.  I imagined Mistress taking me back to the thrift store to add to my wardrobe as I will be wearing fewer and fewer men's clothes.  I imagined Mistress waking me up before she got out of bed this morning to go make her coffee.  I imagined true nipple torture.  I imagined more and more anal intrusions.  I imagined Mistress making me walk on the treadmill in heels.  I imagined Mistress making me kneel on rice or putting rice on the bottom of the cage.  I imagined Mistress and I using one toy a day from our large collection of D/s items.  It would be nice to find some new things Mistress could use to torment me and make my life harder.

      

Harsh Treatment - Yay!

Mistress and I recently had an anniversary.  Last night Mistress gave me a very memorable anniversary scene.

We came home after a couple drinks at a local bar.  We both had the right amount of buzz in us.  Mistress said she wanted to tie me up and I was more than happy to oblige.  Looking back through the blog, the last time I was tied up was March 28th.  I ran upstairs to take a shower and Mistress got out some champagne.  After my shower I got our bed ready for our adventure.  I pulled the restraints out from under the mattress, and put towels on the bed.  I pulled out all of the toys and laid them on the dresser.  I put on 2 ankle and 2 wrist restraints.  I put a large rubber band around each thigh as well as a blindfold over my eyes.  I proceeded to tie 3 of my limbs so Mistress would only have to restrain one.

Mistress came upstairs.  She finished tying me up.  It was then that I realized I had forgotten to put my perfume on.  I mentioned it to Mistress and she grabbed a pair of panties out of my panty drawer.  She sprayed a bit on the pair of panties and then put them around my head and over my nose.  I was instantly in a trance.  I can't explain it, but that perfume does that to me.

Mistress also added extra rubber bands to my thighs before tying me back down.  I don't remember the exact order of events, as it is now a blur, but I was well used.  Before the scene was over Mistress had massaged my prostate with her fingers.  She had inserted a dildo in my ass (unfortunately she wasn't wearing it).  I had clothespins on my balls and my nipples (my favorite).  She managed to hit me in the balls more times than I can count all while stroking my cock with a well lubed hand and a Hitachi vibrator.  I have multiple bruises on my thighs of where the rubber bands inflicted their excruciating pain.

Mistress had me so worked up that I was running at the mouth with confessions of how badly I wanted to be treated.  Everything ended with Mistress making me cum against my wishes.  Even though I came hard it was also a ruined orgasm.  She stopped or slowed down a bit when I started cumming so I lost that complete drain that can happen and then she kept stroking me to where I was laughing hysterically.  I was spent.  Or so I thought.  I woke up early this morning completely on 10 again.  I wanted to wake Mistress up and have sex but also want her to sleep.  My mind is racing with thoughts and I can't stop it.  Here are some of the thoughts I had while being tortured and some follow up thoughts.

• Feminization.  I begged for more and more feminization and I believe Mistress will enforce it.  Failure to either follow instructions or self feminize myself will be dealt with harshly.  I hope.
• This post https://missbossybitchsboy.blogspot.com/2017/08/enroute.html caused Mistress to comment on it last night.  I imagine coming home to an outfit by the door as soon as I enter the house.  Or a butt plug, chastity device, restraints, or certain notes.  I can't even enter the house without following the instructions first.  So hot!
• Harsher treatment.  Mistress was pretty mean last night with her actions as well as her comments.  I would like to be able to say I was scared or taken back by it, but I wasn't.  I am absolutely enthralled by it.  I begged to be treated as harshly as possible.  The thought of actually safe-wording or begging for less harsh treatment makes my cock hard.  If Mistress can get me to dread something in the D/s realm, she will have done something I didn't think could be accomplished.
• Scent training.  My perfume is working well.  I also begged Mistress to scent train me in other ways.  I imagine being restrained and having her socks or panties after she works out being put into my mouth and over my nose.  I can't explain why, but the idea turns me on so much.
• Order.  Being ordered to do things.  Being made to wake up to make Mistress her coffee.  Being made to change outfits throughout the day.  Being told to fetch items upstairs, not because Mistress is lazy, but to keep me obeying without question.
• The cage.  I get the feeling I will be experiencing the cage again soon.  Mistress seems to like it and I can't argue with its effectiveness, especially when combined with other items (straight jacket, heels, bondage, etc.)
• Chastity - More of it.
• Shocking collar.  I mentioned using it and Mistress seemed to agree in another context.  The thought makes me shudder.
• Challenges.  I am dreaming of Mistress making me do things with the sole intent of trying to get me to say 'no' and then punishing me for saying no.  

  In closing, Mistress has me so worked up with how she treated me last night and her comments make me hope for most of what she said to come true.  That would be heavenly.

Control

Yesterday morning Mistress and I were having early morning sex.  I was in my nighty while we were having sex.  It's pretty hot for me to be in my nighty when when we have sex.  It keeps my mind focused on pleasing her and reinforces my place in our relationship.  After Mistress had a couple orgasms Mistress ordered me to fuck her harder.  I thought this indicated that she was going to let me cum.  As I got close to the edge, I asked Mistress if I could cum.  I was on a perfect pace to fill her up with my cum when she said "no".  I had to stop moving my hips immediately.  She added that she didn't want to screw up her Sunday by having a difficult to deal with slave just because she let me have an orgasm.

Now she's getting it!

I have spent the better part of 6.5 years getting her to recognize the benefits of keeping me denied (Semen Retention).    At the same time she should be getting all the sex she wants from me as it keeps me engaged and helps me build stamina.  Also her pleasure should come first and second to my third.

It had only been a week since my last orgasm and the feeling was fresh in my mind.  All week I have really wanted another orgasm.  I was so ready to cum that I had considered just cumming and dealing with the consequences.  However my mind quickly went to the cage in the basement.  Even though I have only been locked in the cage a few times, it has an effect on my behavior.  I could imagine me spending at least a couple hours in the cage if not longer for an unauthorized orgasm.  I could also imagine other punishments for cumming after being told no.

At this point I realized that Mistress has the most control over me than she ever has.  I like that.  I dress feminine every week day and some weekends if we don't have anything going on.  I wear perfume that Mistress has chosen for me daily (no matter what I am wearing)  I wear my chastity device when told.  I have a collar locked around my neck 24/7 for months at a time unless it needs to come off for medical or security reasons.

While Mistress has more control over me than she ever has, I don't fear her.  I wish I did.  In a D/s context.  If I did, her control would be complete.

I frequently think of purposely disobeying Mistress so that I can be treated badly.  Even this morning I was tempted to edge myself and then confess to it.  I didn't, but I thought about it. I think about skipping my feminine dress one day to see if Mistress will punish me.  I sometimes get snarky, wishing that Mistress would call me out on it and truly punish me.

I fantasize of being punished to the point of truly begging it to stop.  When we play, Mistress will frequently ask me if I've had enough.  At some point I will say yes.  Not because I have hit a limit, but merely because I still have control at that point.  As I think about this am reminded of a quote from another Domme's blog.

So: A true submissive needs to feel they are helplessly under the control of a sadistic dominant. That they have zero power or influence. That is achieved by two things. 

(A) Punishments for infractions have to be truly feared by the sub. This is achieved by not stopping the punishment until the sub is and has been truly begging with all their heart for a few minutes for the punishment to stop. My lifestyle did not click into place until I started doing this 6 or 7 years ago. It is easy to judge when the begging has reached the truly heartfelt, and then you keep going for a while. You will not break or damage him. During the punishment, he will be begging and attempting to have you stop. After it, he will be in awe of you and want to worship you. Bind him so he cannot move, gag him and then apply the punishment. It may only need to be six HARD cane strokes, if he is begging with all his heart after the first. If he has marks on his butt for the rest of the day, he will love that. If the marks last 3 days, he will love it even more.

(B) The true submissive has to undergo things they really do not like. By this, it is reinforced that they have zero power or influence, that they are helplessly under the control of a sadistic dominant.  

All of this being said, we are heading down the right path.  Mistress is kind to me and treats me very well.  I love this.  However a part of me wants to truly fear her.  I want to be scared when I am tied up.  Truly not knowing what is going to happen to me.  I eventually want a true beating.

I want to beg to the point of tears. I want to be afraid that she will do things I don't want to have done to me.  I want her to be able to verbally tell me something and for her words to put fear into my heart.  This concept excites the hell out of me.  I want Mistress have absolute control of me.  

   

'Working' from home

My last orgasm was on January 13th.  After today it will be 60 days.  My all time record is around 75 days.  If I don't have an orgasm the rest of the month, I will easily set a new record and I want Mistress to be the record holder, not my ex.  Even after setting a new record, I am pretty OK with the idea of not being allowed to cum.  However at the same time, I think that forgetting how good an orgasm feels makes the denial easier.  There is something about having an orgasm that makes me want one more.

This morning Mistress got up before I did.  In my current state of mind, I decided to edge myself before getting out of bed.  It was very easy to bring myself to the edge and I had some thoughts running through my mind.  Mistress has started working from home exclusively.  When she went to an office every day, I had the ability to edge myself while she was at work.  I also was able to dress or not dress as I chose.  I could also occasionally do a little self bondage.  Now that she works from home, I have less freedom, which is exactly what I want.  So my edging this morning had me thinking of ways that Mistress could mess with me.

I thought of every cliched sexual harassment story you've ever heard, but with me as he one being harassed.  Being made to get her coffee, or a drink or some other task just so she can ogle me or feel me up.

That made me think of the secretary movie and how bondage and spankings made their way into the office.

That made me fantasize about having to wear restraints on my ankles and wrists on the days I work from home.  Making it easy for Mistress to restrain me at my desk or on our bed for an occasionally "break" during our day. 

  

Having Mistress set out my attire for the day.

Or even better.  Having to service Mistress and or suck her strap on like the slutty office secretary.  I imagine having to give Mistress an orgasm every hour during our work day.

Or having to work in my cage for the day at Mistress feet.

Or having Mistress control my butt plug during the day.

I managed to edge myself about a dozen times while I thought about all of the nasty ways Mistress could use me.  I finally stopped when I almost leaked a bit of pre-cum.  I didn't want to have to lick up cum first thing in the morning.  I got dressed up in my 2nd shortest skirt with heels and a blouse.  I am in such a mood.   

In closing, Mistress now has the ability to really keep me under her thumb in so many ways.  

Mindfuck

mindfuck - mind·fuck: noun
An experience that causes intense and usually disturbing emotion, such as shock, confusion, or fear.

Lately I have been thinking about the mental aspect of what we do.  While a lot of what we do is physical, the brain is where the real action happens.

I have been spending a lot of time recently thinking of all the ways the mind is affected by the activities we participate in.  I believe the definition above can be expanded.  It doesn't have to be "intense" as you can have different degrees of it.  It can also include embarrassment and humiliation.  Here are some of the things I consider to be mindfuck material.

• Dressing up in feminine clothes.  Even though I am getting somewhat used to it, having to pick out an outfit everyday and then wear it for hours at a time definitely messes with my mind.  Thinking about how society in general would react to what I am doing is where my mind spends most of the time thinking about it.  Being dressed in front of Mistress ramps up the mindfuck aspect.

• Wearing perfume.  This has had a much greater effect on me than I expected.  Many mornings I am barely in a mood to be feminine, and within seconds of putting on my perfume, my mind switches.  The smell hits something in my brain and I instantly want to be more feminine.

• Nail polish.  Seeing my toenails painted is just a constant reminder of my place.  Wearing clear polish on my nails is more of a mindfuck as I am afraid someone will notice.  I am also amazed that I can feel the polish.  So it's not only visual, I can feel it too.  I am very aware of my hands when I am talking to others. 

• Chastity.  Having my cock locked is certainly a mindfuck, but it doesn't meet the definition above.  There is no shock, confusion, fear or embarrassment.  I'm not sure what the definition would be in a word or two.  Not being able to access one of the most pleasurable parts on my body and to give that access to another person is a huge mindfuck.  Going about my day to day and having to endure with no end in sight is very much a mindfuck.

• The cage.  Being a grown man, reduced to being locked in a cage is unreal.  The helplessness and boredom are mentally draining. There is simply no denying that I have become a desperate slave to my Mistress.  I realize I am willing to do anything to feel under her control.

• Electricity.  Whether it's the shocking dog collar, the Tazapper, or the TENS unit, I am scared of electricity.  It is easily my biggest fear.  When I watch videos of people playing with cattle prods, I get nervously aroused.  The arousal is from the amount of control being lost, but the fear is very real due to the electricity part of it.  It triggers a fight or flight response in me.

• Public Play.  If electricity is my biggest fear, playing in public is my next biggest fear.  I used to be terrible.  When younger I would go with my ex to a sex shop to buy something D/s related.   I was pretty much in a fight or flight response the entire time.  I was always worried what someone would think of me.  Even going to fetish events, I am sooo out of my comfort zone.  Now to be fair, I spend a good deal of time fantasizing about being dressed in public.  THe thought of being forced to walk across a parking lot, going through a drive through or pumping gas while dressed as a woman is a huge turn on.  In reality I would be so freaked out I don't know how I would respond.  Yes, this is a huge mindfuck.

• Pain.  Taking pain in all of it's many forms is certainly a mindfuck.  Having a safeword and choosing not to use it is on form.  I still think of using my safeword and having it ignored for a period of time.

• Orgasm denial.  When Mistress uses me just for her pleasure has to be one of my favorte mind fucks.  My body and brain thinks I am going to get to cum, and when she tells me she is done with me and I haven't cum, my mind and body revolt a bit.  When Mistress has me tied down and edges me over and over I am overwhelmed with desire.  

• Ruined orgasms.  Even more effective with orgasm denial.  When I'm finally allowed to cum, but Mistress stops just when the ejaculation starts, but the orgasm never quite gets there.  It's maddening.  The plus side is I keep me from having post orgasm drop.

• Mistress talking about including others in our play.  I much prefer the thought of a woman, but when Mistress talks about including a man (with her or me), it truly messes with my mind.  

• Sensory deprivation.  Being blindfolded makes the other senses increase to compensate.  Add the fear factor of not knowing what is going on and you have a good minsfuck to work with.  Add some earphones with white noise and you have taken away another sense.  Being tied up and not only helpless, but blind to what will happen really raises the stakes.

• Cum eating.  It doesn't matter how it's done.  When I have to eat my own cum I really have to dig deep and overcome the disgust I feel for it.  It is a mindfuck every time Mistress makes me do it.  That being said, I constantly dream up ways to make it more disgusting for me.  I'm a bit sick in the head.

• Breath Play.  This is a true mindfuck even if you like it because the brain is directly affected by lack of oxygen.  If breath play is taken far enough, your natural instincts kick in and you will react whether you want to or not.  I like all forms of breath play, but I like a plastic bag over the head the most.  Dragging out the feeling over a longer period of time is so hot to me.  Having the fight or flight response kick in is a huge turn on.

• My favorite mindfuck?  Predicament bondage.  Having to decide between to different painful or difficult situations is pure and total mental abuse.  You have to decide your own fate.  Time is your enemy.  Here are just a few examples.

In closing, while I like the physical aspects of bondage, the real effect is what happens in my submissive little brain.  

Doing Time

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Busted!

Yesterday morning we were up to our normal routine.  I was cooking breakfast and was a little snarky.  Mistress mentioned that I may need to spend some time in the cage today.  I scoffed at the idea knowing that wasn't going to happen.  Mistress went and worked out, while I removed my toenail polish and repainted my toenails.  Mistress finished her workout and we were hanging out.  Out of the blue, Mistress said that when my toenails dried I needed to go put my butt plug in.  She then told me that I was going to be spending some time in the cage.  I was very pleased and surprised.  I hadn't planned on playing today.

She then said that the next time I wonder what she is up to, that I just need to ask her.  I do not need to sneak into her phone.  Busted!  The night before Mistress had rolled over to go to sleep.  I was turning out the lights and as I was doing so, I noticed Mistress phone on the nightstand didn't have a charging cable hooked up to it.  I hooked up the charger and had a quick moment of insecurity.  I unlocked her phone and was just about to get into her text messages when she flipped over.  I quickly put the phone on the nightstand and then tried to lock it.  It was probably way more obvious than I thought at the time.  I had no clue she was on to me.

I already felt bad about what I did.  I have never had a reason to not trust Mistress.  When she said this I felt deep shame and embarrassment.  In the past I would have denied what I did or justified it or somehow deflected what I did.  In this case, I just accepted my fate.  Mistress also stepped out of her typical response.  Normally, she would get mad, call me out on it, and be distant for a few days.  In this case, she took a D/s approach, and punished me.  This allowed me to reflect on my behavior, genuinely apologize and thank Mistress for punishing me.  I believe this allowed her to call me out on my behavior, punish me accept my honest apology.  Instead of dwelling on what I did, we can move on.  A big difference between a vanilla relationship and a D/s one.  Punish, apologize, accept and move on.

As a side note.  I find it convenient to have the password to Mistress' phone if I need to get into it for any reason.  However I don't like the temptation.  I like the concept of Mistress having full access to my phone and computer, and I have zero access to hers.  In our D/s dynamic, she has an absolute right to privacy while I willingly give up all of my privacy.  I feel that adds extra vulnerability and control of me.

I went and put in my butt plug.  I came back to where Mistress was sitting and I told her I was ready for my punishment.  We went to the cage, and I used the restroom one last time as I had no idea how long I would be locked up.  In the mean time, Mistress went and grabbed the straight jacket.  She had me put it on.  As she fastened the buckles, I noticed how the straps that go between the legs pressed on the base of my butt plug.  Mistress told me to get in the cage.  To do so, I pretty much had to crawl on my forehead to get into the cage.  It was humiliating.  Mistress closed the cage door and put a padlock on it.  She then left me to go take a bath.  I had a long time to reflect on my behavior.  Being in the straight jacket made my time in the cage much more challenging since I couldn't use my hands to make myself more comfortable.  My chastity device dangled between my legs and I couldn't adjust it to make it more comfortable.  Lying on hard plastic until numbness sets in and then moving would cause new pain.  Every movement I made pushed on the plug in my ass.  It quickly went from kinky to real punishment.  I was fortunate Mistress didn't blindfold me, collar me or add many other challenges she could have.  Mistress let me out after a couple hours.  I would have guessed 2.5-3  hours.  I actually thought there was a good chance that she would leave me there longer.  I was grateful she didn't.

The rest of the day went normally.  We went out last night, and when Mistress and I got home, she had me remove my device and we got in the bed for me to sexually serve her.  While we had sex, we talked about the days events and future plans.  As I again thanked Mistress for handling my bad behavior with D/s she assured me that she will keep doing this and will make it much worse next time.  She also talked about making our spare room a punishment room as well as where my feminine side will have her own room.  She added that I would soon be wearing makeup and my wig much more often.  Very soon I will be wearing feminine smelling deodorant and perfume.  After Mistress had at least a few orgasms, she told me she was done with me.  I was to lock my cock back up and get into bed.  I was in absolute heaven.

I am totally enamored with Mistress right now.  I am in awe of how she had handled an issue that is difficult in any relationship.  I am loving how confidentially she has me pleasing her sexually without concerning herself with my pleasure.  Pleasing her is pleasureful for me.  I am truly loving the the physical intimacy we have had the last few days.  I am loving Mistress pushing my feminine buttons and making do more and more in this area of our life.  I really hope we stay on this course.  I so want to be completely owned by Mistress. 

The last couple days

The last couple days have been interesting.  On Friday, Mistress texted me to tell me my post was quite naughty.  When I got home from my trip, I sat next to Mistress on the couch thinking about my post.  Inside I was slightly embarrassed but not too much.  Mistress commented that my toenails needed to be painted on Saturday.  I usually keep them painted 24/7 from October through April, but with all of my trips to the hospital she waived this requirement.  At bed time Mistress kept grabbing at my nipples asking if they hurt, and they did, perfectly so.  I did a number on them.  Her teasing was perfect.

Yesterday I woke up and painted my toenails pink.  I love having my toenails painted!  The rest of the morning found us doing our normal errand running and shopping.  In the afternoon, we played some cards.  She won the first game by a huge margin, and I won the 2nd.  We decided to add a 3rd game with a bet.  If I won, Mistress agreed to plan the best D/s scene she has ever done for me.  If Mistress won I agreed to plan the most romantic date I have ever planned.  With consequences, we both played our most competitive game ever.  In the end I won.  While I am obviously ecstatic about winning, I have come to the realization that I may end up regretting winning.  A major case of be careful what you wish for!

After playing cards we went to the hot tub. Eventually the conversation came around to our lifestyle.  Now that my health is better, Mistress instructed me that I am again to be dressed feminine 24/7 when I am at home.  When I come home from somewhere I have 30 minutes to get dressed.  If I am out of the house I have to wear something under my clothes, top and bottom.  If I go in our back yard I cannot cover up or change clothes.  If I am in the front of the house, I have to stay dressed but I can put on a robe.  Mistress also wants me to acquire additional bras to wear as they are so restrictive and uncomfortable.  I encouraged Mistress to be as cruel and strict with me as she wants to and bras seem like a good next step.

After the hot tub, I came into the house and realized I had nothing feminine to wear.  I ran upstairs and put on one of my sluttiest dresses.  I was hoping Mistress would be turned on by it.

Mistress told me it was too slutty and that she likes me in classy clothes.  She also commented that a new rule is that I now have to wear women's shoes in the house. That had previously not been required.  I think Mistress didn't require shoes before as she was being nice and didn't want my feet to hurt.  Now I believe she is taking my recent comments about being stricter to heart and has added shoes to my required uniform.  Be careful what you wish for.

When we went to bed, Mistress instructed me to put towels on the bed.  Mistress let me keep my dress on as we climbed into bed. We started having sex and I got close to the edge a little too fast.  Mistress had me use my fingers on her.  She then had me get out the lube so she could stroke my cock.  We alternated between my cock inside her, my fingers inside her, my mouth on her pussy and her stroking my cock.  When Mistress would squirt she commanded me to lick it up. Mistress got frustrated about my need to keep stopping so I didn't go over the edge.  She made comments about how I needed to start lasting longer or she would find a guy to fuck her properly.  That is the first time she has ever talked like this.  I hate to admit it, but I found the talk to be exciting.  

Mistress also scolded me for torturing myself on my trip.  She tugged at my nipples while telling me that I will be spending a night in the cage for having a scene with myself.  I begged her to lock me up right then and there.  She refused.  I knew that by writing my story, I might end up getting punished.  I guess I know I deserve it.

Mistress stated commanding me to cum.  I begged Mistress not to cum, but she was relentless.  I finally came and put a week's worth of cum into her pussy.  She commanded me to lick it out.  At first I refused and then I feared what might happen if I didn't, so I sheepishly crawled between her legs and started licking.  I don't know how much I got out of her, but I stayed there until she told me to stop.

Afterward we cleaned up, I put on my nighty and we went to sleep.  I felt like a used up slut and I loved it. 

I woke up this morning expecting to be drained.  Instead my mind instantly went to yesterday and I replayed everything over again.  It turns out I woke up as horny today as I have been in some time.  When I got out of bed I went to the spare bedroom closet, where my feminine clothes are.  I wanted to show Mistress the mood I was in.  Instead of slutty, I picked out a classy little back dress (like Marilyn Monroe's white dress, but in black.).  I am also wearing 5" black pumps with a strap.  When Mistress got up, she commented on my shoes.  It's funny.  Wearing a dress around the house doesn't affect me the way it used to, but by adding heels, I am much more self conscious.  The dress by itself I can kind of ignore, but there is no way to ignore heels.  I wonder if I will get used to heels at some point?  Either ay, I am feeling very naughty this morning!

Well I am signing off for now.  Going to hot tub with Mistress again and then go put on some naughty clothes under my male clothes to go to a friends house to watch football.

I love being a little sissy slut!