When `I’m not embracing my monstrous FemDom ego, I’m lovely. I’m very nurturing and kind, I don’t say mean things and I don’t laugh at other people’s misfortune. Which means it is rather liberating to go against the grain and embrace my inner bitch.
This all might sound a little bit stereotypical Dominatrix, and I think that probably stops a lot of people testing the waters with humiliation play, but I think it’s worth noting that I do all this with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. Even when you reach the realms of extreme humiliation and degradation, you can still embrace an element of fun when doing it and one would hope that you’re doing it to share an awesome and kinky experience with your bottom, and if that isn’t something to smile about then I don’t know what is.
What does it mean if you desire humiliation play?
“But I raised you to be a nice girl…”
My mother has said this a few times during conversations about the last 16 years of a career in kink. I’ve been lucky to be able to be open with her and while I definitely don’t go into specifics, she knows that humiliation play has been a big part of my kink experience and that I’ve written a book about it.
So my usual response is something along the lines of;
“And no one can say ‘Lick this floor!”‘ as nicely as I can!”
The assumption that someone has to be cruel or mean or insecure to enjoy humiliation play is probably the most common stereotype associated with “enjoying” feelings that most people spend their lives trying to avoid. But the interest in adventuring in the darker side of life doesn’t make you a bad or broken person. Instead, you’re likely to be confident, creative and probably at least a little confused about the meaning of your own desires.
Let’s break it down.
You’re probably pretty confident.
This is one that goes against the stereotype in a major way. One of the most frequent concerns/questions I hear is whether those who enjoy sexual-psychological torment (on both sides of the play) have issues with confidence, including low self-esteem or the need to “bully” others. But in reality, those that want this kind of play tend to be plenty confident, if not more so than others. And that’s true for BOTH sides of the humiliation dynamic.
“The humiliation for me does not come from a lack of confidence or self esteem, but from the interplay between knowing I am strong, smart, capable, and knowing I get turned on from being told I am none of those things and less.” – Em the Sissy
You’re probably pretty creative.
Even if you struggle to come up with specific ideas for humiliation play, you probably have a tendency towards creative fantasy. You’re also probably pretty smart. One common thread I’ve noticed between kinksters is that they’re thinkers, you have to be willing to dream outside of the box to come up with an unorthodox desire like this!
“I like the psychological reading of people. Finding those mental please-pain buttons and trying to find the perfect time to press them.” – EQ
Not all types of erotic humiliation will “work” for you.
Your kink is super personal! You can’t expect to just throw experiences at the wall and hope they stick. Just because you’re turned on by one type of erotic humiliation play (for example being turned into furniture) doesn’t mean you’ll like other types (such as chastity or orgasm control.) I talk all the time about how ‘erotic humiliation’ is a state of mind, not a specific activity. For some, spanking is liberating and for others it inspires (sexually arousing) embarrassment.
“Here is the thing, anything can be humiliation with the right people and the right context. What may be innocent and sweet to me may be devastatingly humiliating to you.” – Kk
“I find it somewhat problematic that a large part of my sexuality is associated with shame and humiliation since I don’t actually think there’s anything shameful or wrong about what I’m doing. On the other hand, I’m happy that I do have the fetish to play with, and I find it extremely fulfilling to.” – Ella Notte
As I’ve mentioned, even among kinksters a desire for humiliation can be tough to talk about, and even tougher to implement. There’s plenty of myths to battle and a lack of language to contend with. It can be tough to articulate your desires, limits and fears. Even with someone who’s totally on-board, the execution of psychologically kinky play is much harder to orchestrate than a simple spanking or light bondage. You and your partners will have to be willing to use your words and to bring compassion for each other into your play in order to dance on the edge together safely.
“I sometimes balk at sharing my fantasies of erotic humiliation with my Master for fear that He will judge me (even though this has never happened and He eagerly embraced and allowed me to explore other erotic humiliation fantasies).” – Ashley Rose
I happen to be someone who enjoys a type of kink known as erotic humiliation. Even in the realm of BDSM, sexual humiliation can still be an uncomfortable topic. Everyone is used to spanking, flogging, and bondage by now. These subjects can sometimes seem — dare I say — pedestrian. Unfortunately, I don’t particularly enjoy pain play. Not on its own anyway. Even with an experienced Dom I only come close to the edge but not over it. What takes me to that place involves hands intertwined in my hair, my head pulled back, being forced to my knees, being told what I can and cannot do, and having to ask or even beg for release ... And it all starts with the words, “Are you my dirty whore?”
It’s not just pain or forceful physical dominance that get me going. The power is also in the words — in the triggers. In the real world I don’t approve of the words “whore” or “slut” being used to shame someone. I also don’t like being told what to do. Tell me not to do something, say something, or wear something and I’ll immediately want to do it. In the realm of play, though, the things I can’t abide in real life become eroticized. Strongly delivered, these words are a major turn on. I long to be told what to do. I want to give my Sir complete control of me. I enjoy every “Please, Sir” and “Thank you, Sir” I utter.
I’m aroused by the fear of being punished for not completing a task or forgetting to ask permission. These triggers are strong and can even work when written. I’ve been reduced to a wet mess with just a text. It’s not about the smack on the ass or a cane across the thighs. It’s about the power exchange. It’s the ultimate mind f*ck. At its core, erotic humiliation is about using embarrassment, fear and shame. These aspects can run the spectrum from verbal to physical.
It’s also important to note that humiliation and dominance are not exactly the same thing. Humiliation doesn’t always involve being ordered about. Strict humiliation without dominance is when words and actions are used to belittle, not to dominate. The Domme, in the absence of dominance, is sometimes called a Humiliatrix.
Personally, I like humiliation along with dominance and good dose of bondage thrown in. It’s less about embarrassment for me than it is about giving up control.
Erotic humiliation itself can be broken down into two varieties: verbal and physical.
1. Verbal humiliation.
This can mean any of the following:
Use of words like slut or whore.
Being mocked, ridiculed or having your appearance belittled.
Having to ask permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm.
Being confined to the dungeon or house.
Being treated like a pet or an object.
Being treated or scolded like a child.
Made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy.
Examples may include using demeaning language with the sub within forced feminization, pet play or slave scenes.
2. Physical humiliation.
This can mean any of the following:
Being slapped or spanked.
Having your movement restricted.
Participating in orgasm denial or being made to orgasm on demand.
Sexual denial by command or use of chastity device.
Having an enforced dress code (i.e.: forced cross dressing) or being required to wear nothing.
Deprival of privacy, such as being watched using the toilet.
Being required to wear a collar.
Performing acts of body worship.
Performing tasks or acts of service.
Being used as furniture.
Being ejaculated on or spit on.
Being used as a human toilet.
Cuckolding.
Performing sexual acts without reciprocation.
Examples may include be the use of spanking to humiliate a sub as though he or she is a child, using someone as a chair or footrest, or asking the sub to do something embarrassing in public.
Erotic humiliation, just like pain play, requires discussion and negotiation beforehand to state desired play, set limits and agreement on safe words. It's important to establish a clear safe word in play, as words like “No," “Stop," “Ouch,” or “Help” may actually be part of the scenario. You also need to decide whether these experiences take place only as scenes, or whether they will be a part of your everyday life. It is vital to have a Top you trust and feel comfortable with. Erotic humiliation is about discovering erotic triggers. Constant communication on both sides of the D/s relationship helps to know not only what works, but also what doesn’t.
It can be difficult to understand from the outside why someone would find the eroticization of humiliation such a turn on. It can look frighteningly like abuse to someone else. It’s important to know that both the Dom/Top and the sub/bottom are engaging in play that arouses the other. Humiliation is not just about pleasuring yourself, but pleasuring your play partner as well. The sub tells the Dom what they would and would not like to do, and vice versa, so it is always consensual. Even rape play that looks non-consensual is negotiated ahead of time, with safe words and limits.
Sources: https://flossdoeslife.com/2017/12/06/1952/
http://www.enoughtomakeyoublush.com/blog/
https://www.yourtango.com/2016297004/why-strong-women-love-kinky-bdsm-sexual-humiliation
