Fear

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Control

Yesterday morning Mistress and I were having early morning sex.  I was in my nighty while we were having sex.  It's pretty hot for me to be in my nighty when when we have sex.  It keeps my mind focused on pleasing her and reinforces my place in our relationship.  After Mistress had a couple orgasms Mistress ordered me to fuck her harder.  I thought this indicated that she was going to let me cum.  As I got close to the edge, I asked Mistress if I could cum.  I was on a perfect pace to fill her up with my cum when she said "no".  I had to stop moving my hips immediately.  She added that she didn't want to screw up her Sunday by having a difficult to deal with slave just because she let me have an orgasm.

Now she's getting it!

I have spent the better part of 6.5 years getting her to recognize the benefits of keeping me denied (Semen Retention).    At the same time she should be getting all the sex she wants from me as it keeps me engaged and helps me build stamina.  Also her pleasure should come first and second to my third.

It had only been a week since my last orgasm and the feeling was fresh in my mind.  All week I have really wanted another orgasm.  I was so ready to cum that I had considered just cumming and dealing with the consequences.  However my mind quickly went to the cage in the basement.  Even though I have only been locked in the cage a few times, it has an effect on my behavior.  I could imagine me spending at least a couple hours in the cage if not longer for an unauthorized orgasm.  I could also imagine other punishments for cumming after being told no.

At this point I realized that Mistress has the most control over me than she ever has.  I like that.  I dress feminine every week day and some weekends if we don't have anything going on.  I wear perfume that Mistress has chosen for me daily (no matter what I am wearing)  I wear my chastity device when told.  I have a collar locked around my neck 24/7 for months at a time unless it needs to come off for medical or security reasons.

While Mistress has more control over me than she ever has, I don't fear her.  I wish I did.  In a D/s context.  If I did, her control would be complete.

I frequently think of purposely disobeying Mistress so that I can be treated badly.  Even this morning I was tempted to edge myself and then confess to it.  I didn't, but I thought about it. I think about skipping my feminine dress one day to see if Mistress will punish me.  I sometimes get snarky, wishing that Mistress would call me out on it and truly punish me.

I fantasize of being punished to the point of truly begging it to stop.  When we play, Mistress will frequently ask me if I've had enough.  At some point I will say yes.  Not because I have hit a limit, but merely because I still have control at that point.  As I think about this am reminded of a quote from another Domme's blog.

So: A true submissive needs to feel they are helplessly under the control of a sadistic dominant. That they have zero power or influence. That is achieved by two things. 

(A) Punishments for infractions have to be truly feared by the sub. This is achieved by not stopping the punishment until the sub is and has been truly begging with all their heart for a few minutes for the punishment to stop. My lifestyle did not click into place until I started doing this 6 or 7 years ago. It is easy to judge when the begging has reached the truly heartfelt, and then you keep going for a while. You will not break or damage him. During the punishment, he will be begging and attempting to have you stop. After it, he will be in awe of you and want to worship you. Bind him so he cannot move, gag him and then apply the punishment. It may only need to be six HARD cane strokes, if he is begging with all his heart after the first. If he has marks on his butt for the rest of the day, he will love that. If the marks last 3 days, he will love it even more.

(B) The true submissive has to undergo things they really do not like. By this, it is reinforced that they have zero power or influence, that they are helplessly under the control of a sadistic dominant.  

All of this being said, we are heading down the right path.  Mistress is kind to me and treats me very well.  I love this.  However a part of me wants to truly fear her.  I want to be scared when I am tied up.  Truly not knowing what is going to happen to me.  I eventually want a true beating.

I want to beg to the point of tears. I want to be afraid that she will do things I don't want to have done to me.  I want her to be able to verbally tell me something and for her words to put fear into my heart.  This concept excites the hell out of me.  I want Mistress have absolute control of me.  

   

Doing Time

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Why would someone ask to be punished?

That is the question that came into my mind in the middle of the night.  I woke up around 1:00 AM and with my now constant state of horniness, I decided to write a post, asking for punishment.  But why on earth would anyone do that?  It's one thing to ask to "play", but it's another to ask for a true punishment, something I will wish didn't happen.

It's been slightly over 4 weeks since our last scene.  While Mistress punished me she also pleasured me.  My punishment was so good that I still have marks from those nasty rubber bands.  After that scene my behavior was top notch.  Since then, I have slacked a bit.  I have gone a few afternoon/evenings without dressing feminine as required.  On our trip I purposely didn't wear my nighty one night.  I have been less than diligent on dressing back into women's clothes within 30 minutes of arriving home.  I have been poor at opening doors for her.  In short, I am due for punishment.  Last week Mistress hinted that I would spend last Sunday or Monday the holiday locked in the cage.  That came and went due to us hanging out as a normal couple as well as my time in a cage takes away from her time with me.  However, having that threat hanging over me has improved my behavior.

So why am I asking to be punished now?  In reality, all men in relationships get punished for doing wrong.  In vanilla relationships it's done by withholding sex, getting the silent treatment, or general passive aggressiveness.  Often times it ends in arguments and animosity and is usually negative.  In a D/s relationship, punishment is straightforward.  I mess up, I get punished, and we move on.  Mistress communicates her feelings, I own up to what I have done wrong and we both have time to process the experience.  Mistress can forgive me since I have paid for my sins.  I feel it brings us closer together.  It certainly resets the tone of our relationship.

That brings me to my current thoughts.  Mistress has an appointment early tomorrow.  I imagined myself getting up early, making sure the morning tasks were complete and then being locked in the cage until after her appointment, or many hours after her appointment.  Since she will be out of the house and to be safe, I would have access to the key.  The key would be locked in the cage using one of my chastity device tamper proof locks.  If an emergency happened, I could cut the plastic lock which would give me access to the steel lock.  This way I would be locked, but safe.  Mistress could monitor me remotely with a camera.

I also thought of her locking me in my straight jacket without any additional restrictions on my movements.  We have door knobs in our house that I could maneuver with my feet or mouth in case of a true emergency and get out.  It would be embarrassing, but safe.  Of course I would be bored and having to reflect on my crimes as I couldn't access the TV or my phone.  I would be helpless, but free to move about.

I contemplated her giving me a list or menial tasks or chores to do as punishment.

I also considered being tied face down and given a thorough painful strapping on my ass.  A quick and decisive punishment that wouldn't take much time at all.

I was also reminded of one Mistress that makes her slave sit in the car without any entertainment during her appointments.  It keeps his mind focused on her.

I could keep going on with my ideas, but that defeats the purpose.  The purpose of this post is to find out why I am asking for punishment.

• First and foremost, it tells me that Mistress is committed to our D/s or Female Led Relationship.  Even though she is hurting me, she is showing me she cares in a way that speaks to my soul.  
• Next, accountability.  I need to be held accountable or I will slide in my duties.  It's not intentional that I slide, I believe it's natural.  Being punished ensures that I am held accountable.
• Confidence.  When Mistress punishes me and I take it well, we both grow.  Mistress can be confident that she owns me and can do with me as she wishes and I can be confident in my submission as her slave.
• Lastly, punishment pushes me past my limits.  I never dreamed I'd be dressed feminine almost 24/7.  Without the fear of real punishment I wouldn't be this far along this path.  Being afraid of the punishment more than the fear of humiliation is a powerful motivator.                              

Whether or not I will be punished any time soon is a mystery to me.  I just needed to write down my thoughts on it.

Staying Submissive

It's been a couple weeks since my last post.  Last week Mistress and I went on vacation.  We had a great time but as the week wore on, and since our return, I have had a hard time staying in a submissive frame of mind.  My plans to wear panties every day changed as the heat and humidity made it less than desirable.  I spent most of the week in my male underwear.  I started out the week waking up in the morning and then going into the sitting room of our hotel in my nighty until Mistress got up.  Later in the week I was sick for a couple days.  I managed to wear my nighty until I got sick when Mistress gave me a reprieve for one night so I could focus on getting better.  The next night I purposely didn't wear a nighty as I was having a hard time staying in a submissive frame of mind.  The following morning Mistress called me on it.  As we were on vacation she didn't feel she could punish me at the time.  I feel fortunate that I didn't get punished at the time but I imagine there will be some payback coming soon enough.  I deserve it for sure.  My last couple nights I wore the nighty again as I didn't want to risk additional punishment.

On vacation we managed to have sex at least a few times.  Enough times that I forget how many times we did have sex.  I do remember being allowed to orgasm on the 31st.  What a way to end the year.  I also remember not being allowed to orgasm on the 1st, which I thought was a perfect start to the new year.  I was allowed a couple more orgams over the week which may be why I lost my submissive edge.  Too many orgasms.

This week we are back to our normal routines at home and work.  After over a week of not having to dress in women's clothes, I have had a hard time getting back into it.  I have slowly been ramping back up to where I was before we left.  Monday I was in capri jeans and a casual shirt with no shoes.  Tuesday a jean skirt, sweater and boots.  Yesterday, yoga pants and a pink pullover.  Finally, this morning I was ramped up and horny enough to dress much more feminine.  I am in a animal print blouse, black bra, black pencil skirt and my highest heels that I can walk in.  It's amazing how the more obviously feminine I dress, the more submissive I feel.  I am in quite the mood this morning.

This week is also the first time I have had to wear my new perfume to work.  Since Mistress bought it for me I have worn it every day.  It definitely has had an effect on me and I have grown to desire the scent.  It triggers my brain way more than I expected.  Wearing perfume at work is a new dynamic.  I am very, very aware of it.  It seems stronger than normal even though I am wearing the same amount.  It is definitely a mind fuck.  In my mind everyone knows I am wearing it and it's very feminine.  In reality, it's probably not as strong as I think it is and it's more unisex than I think it is.

In closing, it's good to be back.  Being in this state of mind is certainly my happy place.  While I can go quite a while as a much more dominant male, I am not as happy as I am as when I am submitting to my Mistress and her desire to see me feminized.  I love being under her control!                  

Thoughts on punishment and deeper control

Along with the holidays, we have had family over as well as a lot of "life" stuff going on.  I haven't been dressed feminine as much nor have I been in chastity.  Even though life has prevented me from being dressed as much as usual, I still have had a few opportunities to be dressed.  The nice thing is when I am out of chastity my wardrobe options expand greatly.  I can wear pants and panties that are too tight when I am locked up.  The bad thing is I am not thinking about my cock 24/7, but but my has had a chance to recover from the device.

One of the side effects of me not being able to dress as much is that I have cheated a bit.  Out of sight out of mind I guess.  There was one afternoon that turned into night that I didn't change when I got home.  As well as last night we were out and about and I was wearing nothing feminine under my clothes.  Mistress has been great about calling me out on this.  In my mind I can generate reasons why I should be exempt, but they are BS reasons.  I have agreed to certain rules and I haven't followed through.  In reality I want to be called out and dealt with appropriately.  Without a doubt I would be an absolute hard ass about the rules if the tables were turned and I was the dominant one.

Last week I was reading one of the blogs that I reference occasionally on this blog.  As I try to understand my mindset, what makes me tick, and how to convert this to a successful D/s relationship I look to other sources.  Sometimes I read something and it's interesting.  But when I find myself thinking about it several times for days, I realize it's something more.  The below quote is one of those things.  

So: A true submissive needs to feel they are helplessly under the control of a sadistic dominant. That they have zero power or influence. That is achieved by two things.

(A) Punishments for infractions have to be truly feared by the sub. This is achieved by not stopping the punishment until the sub is and has been truly begging with all their heart for a few minutes for the punishment to stop. My lifestyle did not click into place until I started doing this 6 or 7 years ago. It is easy to judge when the begging has reached the truly heartfelt, and then you keep going for a while. You will not break or damage him. During the punishment, he will be begging and attempting to have you stop. After it, he will be in awe of you and want to worship you. Bind him so he cannot move, gag him and then apply the punishment. It may only need to be six HARD cane strokes, if he is begging with all his heart after the first. If he has marks on his butt for the rest of the day, he will love that. If the marks last 3 days, he will love it even more.

(B) The true submissive has to undergo things they really do not like. By this, it is reinforced that they have zero power or influence, that they are helplessly under the control of a sadistic dominant.  

A follow up quote to a commenter...

If you love your submissive and you wish to be kind to your submissive and have him sleep the most sound and contented sleep they can ever know, then the saying -‘you have to be cruel to be kind’, is the mantra by which you must live.  The deeply submissive male is a paradox. They need to feel helplessly controlled by another person...  So real love and kindness for a true submissive does not mean going easy on them in any way, or being fair with them – that causes discontent and unhappiness and is not being kind.

Here is a question by a reader and an answer by a random woman (not the author of the blog).

Question:

J.W. says:  I love my Wife with all my heart. However, most of the time I am more of the Alpha. Like all of us, she has her tribulations, and I have to be there to help her. That is what life is about IMHO. On the other hand. At the same time, I so crave to be dominated. And yet I wonder if I’m truly a submissive, because I find that I only like to be dominated during sexual activity.

Reply:

Mila W. says:  J.W., perhaps I can shed some light on your predicament as I went through a similar stage with my husband. He always claimed to want to be submissive, to be punished and submit to my will. Yet I soon learned that he only wanted to be punished on his own terms and only for his own sexual gratification. After he would orgasm, he would revert to his former self. He would disobey a rule and claim to be willing to accept whatever punishment I had in mind. My preferred methods are caning and public humiliation. Early in our relationship, I would tie him down and begin caning. After the first stroke or two, he wanted no part of it, demanding to be released and telling me he had “changed his mind” about his submissiveness. He would go so far as to threaten to leave me as he stated I couldn’t love him if I could hurt him like that. I would always stop and the cycle would repeat itself, over and over. 

I’m not naturally dominant – or at least I thought I wasn’t – and I became frustrated, overwhelmed even, as I didn’t know what to do to break the cycle. And then I found Mistress Scarlet and this blog and it was as if the seas parted. I finally understood that no man whether “truly submissive” or not could be broken or controlled unless pushed beyond his limits. As Mistress Scarlet continuously reinforces on these pages, punishment cannot be fun. If I only played at punishment as he preferred, I was only reinforcing his belief system and perpetuating the cycle. I will never forget the first time I pushed through his limits as well as my own. 3 strokes became 5, which became 10 and then 50. He screamed and swore and threatened and cried. After the caning, I asked him if he understood that things had changed and that I would no longer be bullied and that I would be firmly in control. He agreed as I had hoped but had been dreadfully afraid he wouldn’t. I told him to lay there and really think about it. 

Several hours later I asked if he would accept his new role and any punishment I might decide on. Again, he agreed and asked if he could be untied. No, I told him and warned him not to ask again. I went to bed and in the morning asked if he was ready to begin his new life. He started crying and told me that he had been waiting for this since we first met and, yes, he was ready. Good, I told him and took out the cane once again. I gave him 50 more lashes and this time there were no words, no threats – only tears. 

That was just over a year ago and I have implemented more of Mistress Scarlet's philosophies into our relationship which is now better than ever. He no longer asks to be submissive and to be punished. He just is. Thank you, Mistress Scarlet.

None of the above is meant to be pushy.  In fact the level they are talking about scares the crap out of me.  At the same time, it speaks to me.   I believe that is where so much of my internal conflict comes from.  Wanting harsher treatment but pushing back when I get it.  Until now, I've never understood or have been able to put these thoughts into words.  Finding another's words makes it easy to explain what goes on in my mind.  We shall see where this heads.  

Source: https://msscarletuk.wordpress.com/advice/

Disobeyed

This morning I find myself locked in chastity as a portion of my punishment.  I am being punished for not following my agreed upon requirement that I am dressed feminine when within 30 minutes of walking in the door.

Why did I disobey?  You would think the answer would be easy, but there are a few reasons I came up with.

Procrastination - I intended to change clothes, in just a little bit.
Laziness - I didn't want to have to go upstairs to change clothes.
Insecurity - Am I just doing this for me or does Mistress really want me to do this?

My disobedience had nothing to do with not wanting to obey.  In fact I am really liking her rules.  Also, Mistress gives me a lot of latitude as to what I wear.  So long as I am not casual all the time I can pretty much pick out whatever I want.  So I should count my blessings she doesn't enforce stricter attire.    

Yesterday I went out for drinks with a buddy.  When I got home Mistress had me start the grill.  Once the grill was hot enough, I cooked our dinner and we ate.  We spent the rest of the evening watching out TV shows and then got ready for bed.  Shortly after climbing into bed in my nighty, Mistress called me out for not dressing up.  She told me to immediately put on my chastity device and that I would soon receive the rest of my punishment.  As we were falling asleep I thanked Mistress for being more firm with me.

This is what I have been yearning for.  A more D/s focused life.  One where there are certain rules I must follow and where I am held accountable if I don't.  One that pushes me deeper which in turn increases my service to my Mistress.  One where the consequences get worse every time I disobey as I should know better by now.  One that I can't pull away from when it gets tough as I am so addicted to her.

Even though I am locked in chastity and I know additional punishment is coming, I am happy as ever!

 

Busted!

Yesterday morning we were up to our normal routine.  I was cooking breakfast and was a little snarky.  Mistress mentioned that I may need to spend some time in the cage today.  I scoffed at the idea knowing that wasn't going to happen.  Mistress went and worked out, while I removed my toenail polish and repainted my toenails.  Mistress finished her workout and we were hanging out.  Out of the blue, Mistress said that when my toenails dried I needed to go put my butt plug in.  She then told me that I was going to be spending some time in the cage.  I was very pleased and surprised.  I hadn't planned on playing today.

She then said that the next time I wonder what she is up to, that I just need to ask her.  I do not need to sneak into her phone.  Busted!  The night before Mistress had rolled over to go to sleep.  I was turning out the lights and as I was doing so, I noticed Mistress phone on the nightstand didn't have a charging cable hooked up to it.  I hooked up the charger and had a quick moment of insecurity.  I unlocked her phone and was just about to get into her text messages when she flipped over.  I quickly put the phone on the nightstand and then tried to lock it.  It was probably way more obvious than I thought at the time.  I had no clue she was on to me.

I already felt bad about what I did.  I have never had a reason to not trust Mistress.  When she said this I felt deep shame and embarrassment.  In the past I would have denied what I did or justified it or somehow deflected what I did.  In this case, I just accepted my fate.  Mistress also stepped out of her typical response.  Normally, she would get mad, call me out on it, and be distant for a few days.  In this case, she took a D/s approach, and punished me.  This allowed me to reflect on my behavior, genuinely apologize and thank Mistress for punishing me.  I believe this allowed her to call me out on my behavior, punish me accept my honest apology.  Instead of dwelling on what I did, we can move on.  A big difference between a vanilla relationship and a D/s one.  Punish, apologize, accept and move on.

As a side note.  I find it convenient to have the password to Mistress' phone if I need to get into it for any reason.  However I don't like the temptation.  I like the concept of Mistress having full access to my phone and computer, and I have zero access to hers.  In our D/s dynamic, she has an absolute right to privacy while I willingly give up all of my privacy.  I feel that adds extra vulnerability and control of me.

I went and put in my butt plug.  I came back to where Mistress was sitting and I told her I was ready for my punishment.  We went to the cage, and I used the restroom one last time as I had no idea how long I would be locked up.  In the mean time, Mistress went and grabbed the straight jacket.  She had me put it on.  As she fastened the buckles, I noticed how the straps that go between the legs pressed on the base of my butt plug.  Mistress told me to get in the cage.  To do so, I pretty much had to crawl on my forehead to get into the cage.  It was humiliating.  Mistress closed the cage door and put a padlock on it.  She then left me to go take a bath.  I had a long time to reflect on my behavior.  Being in the straight jacket made my time in the cage much more challenging since I couldn't use my hands to make myself more comfortable.  My chastity device dangled between my legs and I couldn't adjust it to make it more comfortable.  Lying on hard plastic until numbness sets in and then moving would cause new pain.  Every movement I made pushed on the plug in my ass.  It quickly went from kinky to real punishment.  I was fortunate Mistress didn't blindfold me, collar me or add many other challenges she could have.  Mistress let me out after a couple hours.  I would have guessed 2.5-3  hours.  I actually thought there was a good chance that she would leave me there longer.  I was grateful she didn't.

The rest of the day went normally.  We went out last night, and when Mistress and I got home, she had me remove my device and we got in the bed for me to sexually serve her.  While we had sex, we talked about the days events and future plans.  As I again thanked Mistress for handling my bad behavior with D/s she assured me that she will keep doing this and will make it much worse next time.  She also talked about making our spare room a punishment room as well as where my feminine side will have her own room.  She added that I would soon be wearing makeup and my wig much more often.  Very soon I will be wearing feminine smelling deodorant and perfume.  After Mistress had at least a few orgasms, she told me she was done with me.  I was to lock my cock back up and get into bed.  I was in absolute heaven.

I am totally enamored with Mistress right now.  I am in awe of how she had handled an issue that is difficult in any relationship.  I am loving how confidentially she has me pleasing her sexually without concerning herself with my pleasure.  Pleasing her is pleasureful for me.  I am truly loving the the physical intimacy we have had the last few days.  I am loving Mistress pushing my feminine buttons and making do more and more in this area of our life.  I really hope we stay on this course.  I so want to be completely owned by Mistress. 

Force and Helplessness

I spent a good deal of yesterday reading blogs while waiting at the airport and on my plane.  There is one I have mentioned a few times https://msscarletuk.wordpress.com/  In their blog they chronicle the abuse she puts her slave through.  As I read I got pretty hot and bothered.  What got me going wasn't the actual activities she did to him, it's that she has him so controlled.  Now a 1-2 hour scene is hot, but she puts him through much more.  She will tie him down for 3-4 or more hours.  He can't move.  He can't see or hear anything.  She tortures his cock with stinging nettles and/or muscle cream like Icy-Hot or Tiger Balm.  I have had both on my cock and neither are something I would ask for again.  She uses those dental brushes on the inside of his cock.  She also puts a funnel gag in his mouth and puts frozen pee cubes or frozen cum cubes in the funnel so that the liquids drip slowly into his mouth for hours.  Now the worst part.  For the most part she ignores him.  She comes into the room, tortures his cock for 5-10 minutes and leaves the room.  The burning from the nettles or cream last for an hour or so and she comes back in and reapplies the torture and leaves again.  The rest of the time he is alone.  He is left to just lie there and endure and panic about her next arrival.  His cock burning.  His mouth being violated by nasty flavors for hours. I imagine his mind is a mess afterward.  I'll bet he panics the next time he starts to get tied up.

Other blogs I read have men getting their asses beat until they are in tears.  Some guys are in chastity for months.  Others are feminized 100% at home and some outside of the home. There are a few sadistic women out there and it seems to be growing in popularity.

So much of how these guys are treated scares the heck out of me, but at the same time it excites so much.  To be taken past where it's "fun" and to where it's "real".  To obey and serve not only because I want to, but because I am afraid of what will happen if I don't.  To have freedoms taken away.  To be controlled past the point of where I can pull back control.  While I am certain that it would suck in a lot of ways to be that controlled makes my head spin.

My cage experience of last month is the most I felt like I had no control.  Wearing women's clothes full time is another way that makes me do something I may not feel like doing.  I have recently started fantasizing about Mistress starting to make me do things she knows I hate just for the sake of making me do it.  Putting me in the cage for no reason.  Having me do work around the house while she supervises. Hurting my body past where it's fun for me.  Punishing just fr the sake of keeping the dynamic on place.  I'm turned on by the thought of wanting something to stop and Mistress refuses telling me that I am in too deep now for it to stop.      

There were some quotes I took away from the blog mentioned above.

He has a submissive soul. He cannot be content without being controlled and dominated. If he is treated with cruelty, that is a clear reinforcement of how helpless his situation is and it increases his sense of being controlled. He truly hates many of his punishments, my tortures, his humiliations and his endless chores.  BUT, I know his soul is content. There are little signs. Not least of which, his worship and awe of me. If your man is truly submissive (and so many are) he will never actually be truly content without true domination – be warned.

Your man needs to feel 100% helpless and trapped. This is easy to achieve. For instance, start playing some bondage games and /or dress up games. Take a photo or two. Put the photos on a flash drive/memory stick and hide it away, or just tell him you have done so. Threaten to send the photos to someone or several people he would dread receiving them. Explain you have changed fundamentally and now cannot enjoy or contemplate the relationship without being the dominant partner and so you are 100% serious. Leave him in no doubt. A submissive man will be in awe of your actions and threats, especially if he knows the threats are not idle. Other men will quickly accept the situation. Like a wolf or chimpanzee in a pack, when a man knows his place in the hierarchy he is at ease.

Begin conditioning. Men, like Pavlov’s dogs, can be conditioned over time. You can move their sense of reality. Punish infractions with punishments that he is truly frightened of and desperate to avoid. Over time, doing all the chores becomes a normal (though dull) part of his life and there is an acceptance in him that that is the way it is. The same phenomenon applies to waiting on you hand-and-foot and to his restricted sexual relief and freedom. Get a chastity device. One involving a piercing is best. You will soon begin to experience the rush of having true power over another human being. Power is a huge rush and an aphrodisiac. It has been enjoyed, as such, by men over women for millennia, now women can enjoy it and become aroused and satisfied by it too.


Begin to experiment with your cruelty and sadism. In my early years of dominance, I could not bring myself to accept that I was a sadist. I found the word to be very distasteful. I was still foolishly fettered by society’s norms and standards. But after frequent experiences of intense arousal while inflicting physical or mental pain on my bitch-boy, I accepted that I was a sadist and that I loved sadism. Perhaps it is simply that sadistic activity signifies true power and it is the power that is the aphrodisiac? I don’t know or care.

I know that this can't happen overnight.  I'm not even sure I would want the level of control that is in some of these blogs, but I sure would like to go in that direction.  In the meantime I can vicariously live through their blog.  

Locked in the cage

Yesterday morning when I got up, I put on a skirt and sweater and then put myself into chastity as ordered.  I got caught up on work and then went to work out.  I had to change into my feminine workout outfit as Mistress doesn't want me wearing gym clothes around the house.  She wants something more feminine and formal.  After my workout I changed back into my skirt and sweater and went back to work in my home office.  After a couple hours I had to get ready to go see my customers.  The rule is that I have to wear something feminine under my work clothes and plain panties are frowned upon.  I picked out a pair of butt enhancing thongs, but I like to call them my spanking panties.  They leave the cheeks hanging out and perfectly framed so one can target the ass cheeks.

When I got home from work I got caught up on emails.  I was about to go get dressed back into my skirt and sweater but Mistress had me go get her some wine.  I quickly ran to the store loving that she ordered me to run an errand for her when I was ready to wind down for the day.  I felt very much like a slave.  When I got home I changed into my feminine outfit and headed back downstairs.  As soon as I got downstairs Mistress announced that tonight I would be in the cage.  I got a little flustered and got an immediate erection.  I really wasn't sure if she was going to go through with this.  She told me that in addition to my current outfit she would be adding high heels to my ordeal.  I was disappointed it was only heels as I had hoped she would do something more challenging, but I accepted it.  I set off to get some heels I could wear.  I picked out some ballet boots with 7 inch heels that I can only crawl in and a pair of strappy sandals with 5.5 inch heels.  Both pairs of heels have a hole in the ankle straps that can accommodate a small padlock to make sure they stay on.  I returned with both pairs of heels and Mistress informed me that my sentence would start at 7pm.  We ate dinner and watched some TV with me knowing what was going to happen.

Pierre Silber "Ballet" 7 inch Locking 

Pierre Silber "Domina" 5 1/2 inch Sandal 

7pm came around sooner than I expected.  Mistress had me use the restroom and put on my shoes. She chose the strappy sandals so that I could walk down the basement stairs to the cage.  Very unceremoniously she told me to get in.  I knelt down and crawled in.  She closed the door, put on the padlock and clicked the lock shut.  She then left the room asking if turning the lights off would be better or worse.  I told her worse so she turned them off and left the room.  

There I was, doing something I wasn't sure would happen.  The very first thing I noticed is how the high heels made being in the cage much more difficult.  They literally took 5.5 inches that I didn't have to spare away from me.  The straps were also tightened so that I could walk in them, but they were too tight to be able to point my toes back and forth.  I had to keep my feet in a neutral position.  I had been bummed about her only choosing high heels for my ordeal but they turned out being the hardest part of it.

The first 15 minutes were easy.  So easy I spent that time imagining ways to make it harder to endure.   I immediately thought of taking one of our spiked mats made for office chairs and cutting it to fit the cage so that the spikes would point up.  I believe those spikes would make an hour feel like 4 hours.  I remembered a blog I read where a master put a women's stocking filled with ice cubes on top of the cage so cold water dripped on his slave that was bound in the cage.  I imagined being retrained in addition to the cage.  Changing positions would be impossible.  I imagined wearing my leather hood with earphones in and white noise or feminization hypnosis tracks being played nonstop.  I imagined a dildo attached to a wall of the cage for me to suck on.  I imagined wood dowels pushed through bars of the cage so that a position would be forced for as long as Mistress desired.  In the picture below the cage is wide open, but the slave can't move.

After that first 15 minutes of trying to think of ways to make the cage more uncomfortable I shifted positions.  Even though I was locked in chastity I managed to play with myself enough to give myself some erections, but nothing even close to an edge.  I wished I had a toy for my ass since my cock couldn't have any attention.  I found I could open the little latch on the front of the cage and I could put my legs out so I could stretch straight.  I also realized my head could go out of the hole.  I imagined having to kiss Mistress feet through the hole before I got released.  I figured this was cheating so I closed the door and didn't try again.

So for the rest of my time I tried to stay comfortable.  I spent 70% of my time on my back, 10% on my sides and 10% on my knees and 10% sitting as upright as the cage would allow.  The high heels really kept me from getting comfortable.  Being fully dressed in feminine wear was very erotic and humiliating for me.  I used naughty thoughts to keep myself entertained in the dark.

After what seemed to be around 90 minutes Mistress came down the stairs and into the room I was locked in.  I asked her how long I had been locked up.  She said exactly 2 hours.  I told her it didn't feel that long.  She had the keys for my heels and gave them to me.  She then unlocked the cage, told me to take off my shoes and come upstairs when I was ready.  

As much as this was intended to be a punishment, it wasn't.  I was so horny and worked up that the two hours seemed like an hour and a half or less.  I was surprised.  I expected to be a pissy belligerent slave guy.  Instead I was deep in subspace and very horny.  I think my change in mindset made that possible.  Now that is not to say that the cage can't be a perfect punishment device.  It can.  It just wasn't this time.  Mistress is planning on me sleeping in it at some time.  I'm dreading that as I don't imagine that I will be getting much sleep.

While the cage didn't turn out being a punishment I believe it was a smashing success.  Mistress did something to me I didn't really think she had in her.  On top of that I think she is now more motivated to see where we can take this relationship.  I also think she has the tools and attitude to make my life as miserable and difficult as I yearn for.  I am very much looking forward to new and wonderful tortures and humiliations.        

          

It's about control

Last night Mistress totally mindfucked me.  After we got into bed and were saying goodnight to each other, she mentioned yesterday's blog post.  I am paraphrasing here.  "Tomorrow or Thursday you will be locked in the cage in the basement"  I was stunned.  I didn't know what to say.  I asked her what that meant as I was thinking I would be locked in the cage all day while I worked.  She said "based on your blog post today, you seem to be egging me on to lock you in the cage".  "You seem to think I don't have it in me".  She went on to tell me that I will be locked up from around 7-9pm.  I won't have my phone.  She will make sure I am wearing something humiliating and/or something uncomfortable.  She also told me I will be locked in chastity as we both had a chuckle about what I would do to my cock if I had access to it.  She added that if there was one bit of negativity I would be sleeping in the extra bedroom for a week.  I like that instead of pulling back the D/s dynamic if I was pissy that she was going to double down on it.  I had an instant hard on.  Mistress told me to go to bed and she left me like that.

My head was spinning.  Her saying that just before bed was such a mind fuck  Then I started to question myself.  What kind of guy gets so turned on about being locked in a cage?  A cage I know will be brutally boring.  Then it hit me.  It's not the cage.  The cage is just a tool.  It's the loss of control.  Then I realized that every little thing I fantasize about is about control.  Whether it's bondage, chastity, a collar locked around my neck, women's clothes, humiliation, shaving, nail polish, butt plugs, cum eating, beatings, breath-play, serving my Mistress, chores and even cages, those are just tools for what I really crave, loss of control.  As I thought more about it, asking her to be meaner is just me asking to have more control taken away from me.  It even seems less mean to me when I look at it this way.

As I tried to go to sleep after her comments my mind started running through scenarios.  I tried imagining how it would look.  What would she make me wear?  I thought about having to get on my knees to be able to crawl into the cage.  I imagined the lock being clicked shut. I imagined the lights out and me sitting in the dark.  Even though I would be bored, my submissive mind would be running a million miles an hour.  Then I imagined being let out.  The humility I would feel.  Doing everything in my power to be positive about the experience.

I am excited and a little scared about being locked in the cage.  That being said, I intend to own it 100%.  Mistress is right, I have egged her on.  Not to be a pushy bottom, but because I want her to be confident doling out punishments when I deserve them.  I want her to know I am more than OK with her tightening her grip over me.  I also want to train myself to accept my fate.  By accepting punishments gracefully I can grow in my submission and serve my Mistress better.

In closing I want Mistress to know I am looking forward to a new experience.  If she wants to lock me up earlier and/or later, I will not question it.  Whatever she decides to make me wear, or make me do I will do.  I will be positive when I go in the cage, while I am in the cage and when I get out of the cage.  I will thank her for doing this for me us.  I will write a full report on my time in the cage, good and bad.  It is my intention to make this such a good experience that Mistress will be looking for reasons to lock me up!

  



    

Reflection on the week

Since Monday morning I am back in slave mode.  I am collared, dressed in feminine wear, following instructions and tasks and trying to be more of service.  Here are some thoughts so far.

On Monday Mistress and I went out to happy hour with one of her friends.  I am currently not drinking so I just had water.  Mistress and her friend proceeded to drink and gossip.  I felt something at the time, but it didn't really click until last night.  I was essentially her chauffeur.  I have fantasized about Mistress making me dress up and taking a group of women out on the town.  I wouldn't join them, I would just be there to drive them around and get them home safely.  I also fantasize about Mistress controlling my food and drink when we go out.  Now she didn't say I couldn't drink, but it was easy for my mind to make the leap.  Over the next month of me not drinking I can see Mistress making me feel more like her servant when we do out than an equal partner.  Hot!

I am having to dive deeper into my feminine closet.  It scares me yet excites me.  I am trying to be safe and deniable with what I wear, but Mistress has added a challenge of not allowing me to wear the same thing in the same week.  In my opinion that leaves it a little too safe for me.  I will wear my 7 safest outfits each week.  Instead, I imagine having to wear every item at least once prior to being able to start over on my wardrobe.  Once I wear it, it goes into a hamper until I've worn everything.  That would mean I would be in some pretty skimpy/slutty dresses for a few days.  The thought makes me shudder.  I also think of being required to wear additional items like bras, breast forms, wigs, and high heels.  That would be the right kind of mean.

Also, I wore three different feminine items under my male clothes while at work this week.  A pair of control top pantyhose, a pair of heavy duty pink leggings and a body shaper.  All of them kept my cock squished down and made me feel very constricted.  Mistress said "it's good for you".  I can't agree more.

Lastly, I feel that I have failed a couple times this week.  The requirement is that I have to be dressed femme within 30 minutes of coming home.  I failed twice.  Once on Wednesday when I got home from work, and yesterday after we ran a morning errand.  In both cases I continued to be dressed in my male clothes for well over an hour.  To make matters worse, yesterday I had items to put on about 20 feet away from me.  I believe the failure occurred due to me wanting to maintain that last little bit of control as well as me fighting some internal insecurities.  Even this morning I had to overcome this problem.  We have some company coming over this morning.  I intended to wear my male clothes until they left.  Instead I sucked it up and put on some pink yoga pants and a feminine sweatshirt.  I will change clothes 10 minutes before they get here, but I will be wearing feminine items under my male clothes.  Regardless I feel there should be consequences for failing.  I really, really want to do as I'm told 100% and need to be held accountable to make this work.

  

Insecurity can go both ways

A quick recap of yesterday.   I worked out in my pink outfit.  Our workout room has lots of mirrors and every time I caught a glimpse of myself in my outfit, I had the perfect amount of humiliation wash over me.  After working out, I came upstairs and had to enter the room Mistress was in.  The erotic shame hit all of my buttons perfectly.  After that I spent another hour dressed but was OK with it.  Like it was normal.  Well played Mistress.

Last night while getting ready for bed, Mistress expressed some reservations about putting me in the cage.  I have been so focused on why I disobey that I hadn't given much thought about the insecurities or other feelings that Mistress may have.  She didn't go deep into her feelings, but I imagine they are similar to mine.  What kind of woman keeps her man in a cage?  How will her slave react in real life if she goes through with it?  If she truly gets as mean as he wants, can he handle it?  Can she really do this?

At some point I will wish I didn't write this, but know it's necessary.  It's been five and a half years since I was put in the cage.  We were a brand new couple.  I was more insecure than I am now about submitting to her.  I was pissy and had an attitude.  It didn't work out.  Could it?  Possibly, but neither of us was equipped to do it at the time.

Fast forward to today.  The cage is set up.  It's inescapable as far as our needs.  She has sentenced me to time in the cage, and I have agreed that it's something we should explore.  I need real world consequences that have a D/s influence.  I need something that truly allows me to reflect, something to knock me down a peg, and something to enforce my place in our world.   Chastity and beatings are part of that, but they take effort and the bondage part rewards me.  While the cage is bondage-y, it's also very mundane.  I can't imagine anything more effective than to crawl out of the cage on my hands and knees at Mistress feet and thank her for the privilege of serving her.

Now for the logistics.  Starting small makes sense. I don't know how many hours Mistress has planned for me, but guess it's in the 8-12 range and counting.  Instead of my first time being overnight, maybe we start with me in the cage in 2-4 hour increments.  Having me use the restroom before hand for shorter duration's and providing a bottle to pee in for longer duration's.  What will I wear?  Naked? Chastity if my hands are free?  Feminine clothes?  Straight jacket?  Blindfold?  Hood? Humbler?

She could make cage time harder.  Have me put a spiked mat in the bottom of the cage.  Restrain me uncomfortable positions.  Plugged.  Use wooden rods to keep me in a position.

We live a busy life, so when is it a good time to lock me up if we don't do it over night?  When Mistress takes naps.  For the first half of our day on weekends.  For a few hours in the evenings.  When Mistress has nail and hair appointments.  It turns out there is a lot of time.  She could also lock me up during the days I work from home, but that would require my having access to my cell phone and a computer.  I have even considered the thought of being caged from 5pm on a Friday to 8am on a Monday.  Let out 3 times a day (while shackled) to use the restroom and stretch.  My meals would be served in the cage.  Talk about a mind fuck. 

Additionally we have a camera that could be put in the room to monitor me so Mistress doesn't have to enter the room I am locked in.  That can add to the isolation but also help her alleviate any guilt feelings.

Lastly I should remain in the cage until I am sufficiently humble.  Being pissy is not an option.  I am certain I will be pissy, but that just means I am working through some stuff in my head.  It means I need to be pushed past my inner doubts into acceptance of my submission.

All of that being said, I am ready and willing to start serving my sentence.  I want Mistress to feel secure in the idea that she can lock me up and I will take it as positively as possible.  I am not looking forward to the cage, but I am looking forward to the loss of control and Mistress being meaner.  I am also looking forward to Mistress being much more secure in taking control.  The cage should help with this.  

  

                

Understanding Disobedience

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