In my life I have been in 6 relationships that had D/s as an aspect and am on my 2nd that I have made a goal of being a Female Led Relationship (FLR). While I yearn for a relationship with a strong leaning towards being FLR, why on earth do I disobey? It creates tension and really makes my Mistress leery. I don't like it about myself and it creates a certain doubt in my mind about my worth. I truly want this, but then my behavior shows otherwise. WTF? I just figured I am kind of fucked in the head or that I am selfish or that I don't really know what I want. It's kind of a bummer actually. All the things I see online are that if you're a good submissive you obey without question. You do as you're told and you just obey. If you're a dominant you're told that if you have a good slave they will obey. If not, your slave is bad and should be punished or unworthy and should be banished. A couple weeks ago I read a blog post that changed my outlook. I have been thinking about it a lot. That post is here is at the bottom of this page but I've highlighted the specifics that speak to me.
Here’s the thing about training pretty much any submissive, particularly when you want to go as deep as I do.
They’re grown ass men.
They’re used to doing basically what they want, when they want. They’re used to handling their shit, living their lives, all that stuff. They have egos, they have autonomy, they have the ability to live their lives successfully without (or with minimal) interference.
They have a need, and they know how to meet it on their own. Independence. Autonomy. Free will. Whatnot.
So when you start taking away their rights and privileges, and start taking away their ability to meet their needs on their own, it forces them to confront the idea that they are no longer in control of having their own basic needs met, and must depend on their Owner for that. The Owner gets to decide when (or if) and how those needs are met.
The thing is that being confronted with this type of loss of control, particularly when it comes to needs or privileges that are extremely important to that particular submissive, often creates a level of discomfort and anxiety in the submissive. There’s usually an amount of push back at first, and it’s natural. Basic human psychology and all that.
Over time, as the trust deepens, and the submissive realizes that he will be taken care of, his needs will be met, and he has nothing to worry about, that anxiety is replaced with freedom and peace. He doesn’t have to worry about all that bullshit anymore.
Still, it can be scary at first.
Holy Shit!. That's it! While I truly want to submit and be led in my relationship there is still another part of me that exists that I can't just shove in a box, as much as I would like to. I'm not disobeying because I want to, even if I purposely disobey. I am disobeying because there is something inside me that is interfering with my want and need to obey. No wonder I am so conflicted. She goes on with what that means to her.
And, since I occasionally try to be a nice person, I do what I can to minimize the anxiety. There are a couple of ways I do this.
First, I wait until the relationship is well-established, I’ve proven to the sub that he can trust me implicitly, and that I will put his needs above my desires and whims. A great deal of trust has already been established. So the sub doesn’t immediately freak the fuck out when I start taking stuff away.
Another thing I do is the exact opposite of what I’ve seen some Dominants do.
It is apparently relatively common to threaten to end the relationship, or discard the sub, if he doesn’t continue performing to the best of his abilities.
This idea is pure and utter bullshit, ...
Fear is a primitive emotion, and using it as a primary tool to control someone is ineffective as fuck...
That power disappears as soon as the fear disappears. So Dominants who engage in this type of relationship must find new ways to keep that fear alive, and foster that negative emotion.
But even then, the power rests with the partner who is most willing to walk away. That isn’t always the Dominant. And then, what happens when the Dominant finds herself (or himself) dependent on the submissive for one reason or another?
That power is gone, and the dynamic dissolves.
And on top of that, they’re denying a sub’s basic need from being met. Every sub needs to feel secure with his Owner, and in his relationship, in order to give up his inner self, and expose that vulnerability. They need to know that they’re loved, and cherished, and won’t be abandoned. They need to know that their needs are being met, and will continue to be met, no matter what.
Power given through love and respect, rather than fear, is real power. A sub who follows out of love and respect will always be happier, more loyal, more faithful, more eager to serve, more fulfilled, and more at peace than a sub who follows out of fear of abandonment or punishment.
So I don’t ever threaten to leave or abandon my boys. I assure them, loudly and often, that they’re mine, and I’m going to take care of them, and I’m not going anywhere. This security allows them to take a breath and get their bearings when that anxiety kicks in. They know that I’m here for them, and I will continue being here for them.
The other thing I do is take things slowly, and give them time to adjust to each new thing I take away. And it starts small. For Sounder, it started with taking away his ability to wear men’s underwear. Something relatively minor, in the grand scheme of things. But it was a lot for him at first.
I’m in no rush. I’ve got all the time in the world. So I waited a year to start pushing him hard.
And even that is going to be taken slowly. For example, talking about his feelings is not one of his strongest points, and he can be a difficult person to read. This is something that will become an obstacle if I take him much deeper. So the first big thing I want to take away from him is privacy. I want to know what he’s thinking. I want to know what’s in his head.
So I told him to start an online journal or blog. Something I could read. The subject matter was completely up to him, but I expected at least 2 entries in any given 7-day period, at least 500 words each.
He, being the obedient sissy that he is, quickly had the blog set up and his first entry written.
That in a nutshell seems to define me and my thoughts well. While parts of her post are more forceful and preachy than I like, the gist is there. In the past I have described "pushing past" my disobedience. Her take is a bit more nuanced. Instead of taking it personal that I disobey, try to understand why I disobey. Mistress has never asked me to do anything I wasn't OK doing. When I have disobeyed it's because I get too much into my own head and it fucks me up. Here is an example. A couple weeks ago, Mistress and I were having sex and she told me to plug myself later that day. She allowed me an orgasm and I had some sub drop and more or less chose to not plug myself. I disobeyed. Looking back, why did I disobey? I have no problem plugging myself, in fact it's kind of hot. I occasionally plug myself, and love being ordered to even more. Other than sub drop I got all into my head. Doubts about my masculinity and self-worth cropped up and I disobeyed for no real good reason, but looking back, those issues were very real. From Mistress' point of view, I'm not serious, I am purposely saying "no" and it's no fun for her if I can't hold up my end of the bargain. Why have a slave if he won't obey even the littlest instructions? We both lose because of my self talk and insecurity.
Now that it's defined, how do we get through this and grow? As quoted above, "I’m in no rush. I’ve got all the time in the world." Mistress does have all the time in the world. We are in a deeply committed relationship and neither one of us is going anywhere. Taking the above example again there are multiple ways to handle it.
- Mistress made me go into chastity immediately and also had me wear more a restrictive nighty. Well played however I was left off the hook a bit since the original task went unfulfilled.
- As soon as practical, give the order again to be plugged. Likely add to the original requirement. This reinforces the order and adds consequences.
- The cage. I dread this, but also know it would be effective. Maybe not the first or third time but eventually with consistency it would. The cage would allow me to reflect and to have consequences. Mistress could use the cage instead of being mad at me.
- Reaffirmation on both ends. First off, I would have to define and explain my doubts and insecurities. I would have to reaffirm that I want this in my life. That I need it. That I am blessed to have a woman in my life that will do this for me. I would then ask Mistress to acknowledge that my doubts and insecurities are OK. That She also desires this and will push my limits and boundaries in a positive and loving way, but that there is no going back. I will be pushed and will obey as long as it takes.
Now I don't want this to sound like I am being a pushy bottom. For all the years I have had these fantasies, I have also carried guilt about having them. If I could turn them off I likely would. I am hoping this is taken as a road map. Understanding my apprehensions and embracing them and working through them versus getting upset or resentful should help us both. In fact I can imagine with the right focus Mistress could push me to those places I now see as hard limits (public cross dressing, cuckolding, forced-bi) so being a pushy bottom is not my goal. My goal is to be an obedient, dedicated, and loyal submissive to the woman that I love dearly, and to do literally anything she asks of me.
Some posts that helped me write this post.