Figuring out a way to serve better.

I've had a hard time figuring out what to post the last couple of days.  With everything going on lately such as chastity, Mistress being much crueler the last couple times she has had me tied up, being called a slave and Mistress pushing me more has me in slave heaven.  That being said, I'm not 100% how much of this she enjoys and how much of it is just her accommodating me?  I have been thinking about this lately but didn't really know how to describe it.  Then, as fate would have it, I ran across a post this morning that hit home for me.  The post is called 'Mistakes men make'.  Now I don't know if this is happening or not, but I wanted to put it out there for discussion.  

This post is written about a new FLR (Female Led Relationship), but can certainly be for an existing one.  Here are a couple specific quotes that made me wonder about me.

"You want everything, and you want it right now.  You want to be brutally beaten, degraded, dehumanized, humiliated, emasculated.  You want the fantasy.

It’s understandable.  It really is.  I totally get it.

 But you get too eager, you want to move too fast, while she’s still unsure and insecure, and still wading her way through all of this newness.  You urge her on, you encourage her to do more, to dive deeper into it, you bound ahead of her, practically dragging her behind you.

An experienced Domme knows how to yank you back, slam you back where you belong, and give you a much-needed reality check.  But she’s not an experienced Domme.  She doesn’t know how to do that.  Moreover, she may not even realize she can.

Instead, she tries to keep up with you, tries to give you what you ask for.  But it’s exhausting.  She feels constant pressure to be something she’s not, because she hasn’t had the time or the freedom to let that part of her grow.

Soon, she’s not doing this because she wants it, anymore.  She’s doing this for you.  To please you.  But she feels like her wants and needs are being ignored, she certainly doesn’t feel Dominant, and the whole thing feels disingenuous.

And your encouragement and urging begins to feel like pressure.  She feels pressured to be what you want her to be.  That pressure kills her lust, kills her desire, and kills any interest she may have had in an FLR dynamic."

And

"But I mentioned that there are a couple of reasons why you’re wrong, a couple of reasons why you’re making such a horrible decision.  The other reason why this is a huge mistake is that, in your eagerness and enthusiasm, you forget one very, very, very, very important thing:  She is the Domme, you are the sub.  And the female-led relationship needs to be just that: A Female-Led Relationship."

Maybe I am just being insecure, but I can see this being me, as I have been accused of this in previous relationships.  With all of my recent posts, there has been a lot of things I have written about that I would like to have happen to me/us.  Mistress is good at this, and she is very encouraging for pretty much everything we do, but I know I ask for things she just isn't into that much.  I really would like to define what does and doesn't work for her.  Does having me follow a written checklist work for her? I think so, but I don't know.  Does having me dress feminine as much as I do please her as much as it pleases me?  I think so, but am not certain.  I think she likes having me in chastity, but how much?  While I enjoy having things done to me, that's the physical part of it.  However I am now at a point in my life and in our relationship that I want to submit myself in a way that serves Mistress much more than it serves me.  

Here are a couple quotes from her follow up post to Dommes with subs like me.

 Find some part of it that legitimately appeals to you, something that you think you’d enjoy doing in real life, in your relationship.

This will help you figure out the kind of Domme you want to be.  It’ll help you figure out your identity as a Dominant.

Next, read my Mistakes Men Make post, linked at the top of this article.  Be aware that your partner will very likely attempt the behaviors listed there, and be prepared to handle it.  Learn to recognize if he starts moving too quickly for your liking or becomes too focused on his needs.

Then, give yourself permission to be a bitch.  This is the single hardest thing you’ll have to overcome.  You’ll likely struggle with it, you’ll deal with guilt because it will seem overly selfish to you.

Yeah, that’s the point.

Granted, it’s grossly, hysterically oversimplified, but if you’re struggling with any particular situation, remind yourself that the whole point of a FemDom relationship is that you’re in charge.  It’s all about you.

Correcting your husband will be tough.  So start small.  Give him a chore or two that he has to do each day.  Something simple.  And should he forget or get distracted or whatever, punish him for it (make the punishment fit the crime.  Spanking him nonstop for 20 minutes because he forgot to take the trash out isn’t a reasonable thing to do).

Alternatively, give him a chore, supervise him, and become extremely controlling and micromanaging while he does the chore.

Doing the dishes is a good place to start.  Constantly give him instruction and correction.  Every detail.  Make shit up.  It doesn’t matter.

And make him listen and do what you tell him.

Will he find this exercise pleasant?  Probably not.  Who cares?  It’s not about him, anyway. 

And

  This will help you tremendously when your husband makes the kind of mistakes most men in his position make.  You’ll be more sure of yourself, you’ll feel more comfortable reining him in and bringing him to heel when he gets too far ahead or loses focus, and it’ll help him learn faster that he needs to take his cues from you, not his fantasies. 

Here is the link both posts - a full read is worth it.

https://dominajen.com/2016/02/10/mistakes-men-make/

https://dominajen.com/2017/09/08/from-vanilla-to-ds/

Maybe I am wrong and Mistress loves everything we do, but I suspect there is more I can be doing for her.  I want that more than anything.  Maybe this post will help us get there.

Follow up - Checklist and Punishment

So I believe that Mistress has embraced the checklist I created.  She apparently has worked on some changes including some work related tasks to reduce my work stress.  I am still waiting to see what changes she has made and how she intends to implement it as well as how the punishments will be handled.

We did banter about it a bit last night.  I got the feeling that instant correction is not on her list.  I understand that.  I think a blend of instant correction (for serious infractions) and accumulated correction (for less serious or for training purposes) is ideal, but this is her decision.  In fact, that's what I like about it.  I gave her a blue print and she can choose to use it or not.  I am truly at her mercy and that's how I want it to be.

That being said I will continue to communicate my thoughts on the checklist and what I hope we can both gain from using it.

  There are certain tasks and requirements that I want to be 'set in stone'.  Those are the No Tolerance items and the Infractions section of the checklist.  In my mind the entire No Tolerance list should be marked with a Y or a W (for waived).  If even one item's box is blank on that day I have earned some degree of punishment.  These items are things that I believe are the bare minimum of things I must do.  A couple of them are meant to challenge me, such as PM femininity and keeping my toenail polish updated.  I have a real challenge coming home from the office early and getting dressed in feminine attire.  My libido is less in the afternoon so I have a hard time coming to terms with doing it even though deep down I want to.  That's the reason I put it on the list.  I hope Mistress keeps it on the list and enforces it.  As for the toenail polish, that's meant to be a nit-picky requirement.  I have been known to let my polish get ugly.  By having it on the list I have made it a priority for me to maintain it and Mistress to monitor compliance before it gets ugly.

The infraction section would work the same way.  If there is ever a Y in one of these boxes, I have earned a correction.  Technically these are No Tolerance items as well, but they are items that should not occur.

Lastly the "Optional Task" section.   I can easily see some items shifting to or from each section based on Mistress' desires, this was just a template.  I created this section to give more of a 'points' approach to the list.  Also many of these would depend on the type of day we had so I believe some flexibility was preferable.  In reality this list could be added to the No Tolerance section.  Mistress could require every single item on it to be done daily.  That would certainly make me take notice.  I would certainly feel more slave like if I couldn't choose to not do some of these items.        

Here is how I imagine this playing out on a day-to day basis.  Mistress will be the only one allowed to fill out the list.  I can even imagine of a few inspection periods throughout the day to ensure compliance.  I imagine the erotic humiliation of having to display my perfume, panties, butt plug, collar and toenails so those items can be checked off.  I imagine Mistress assigning a protocol.  Something as simple as kneeling and kissing each foot.  It would only take 10 seconds but it would set a tone for the day.  During the day, Mistress would complete the list as she saw fit.  Before bed, Mistress would complete the list and maybe that would be the bedtime protocol.  I would kneel at her feet while she completed the list.

As I wrote the previous few paragraphs something new came to mind.  Maybe the "Optional Tasks" section is the pleasure section while the other 2 sections are the obedience and punishment section.  While the other 2 sections have a punishment aspect to them and therefore my desire to have no leniency for them, the Optional Section could have a reward.  One carrot section and two stick sections.  I would have to earn a certain number of points per day/week/month to be rewarded with a bondage session that I like.  I imagine punishment sessions happening more or less weekly and reward sessions happening bi-weekly, monthly or when I have earned enough points.

In closing I want to let Mistress know that I am looking forward to this experiment.  I want Mistress to know that I am 100% bought into this and will do my best.  I will be challenged and will have to deal with some insecurities but I want Mistress to have the utmost confidence that this is what I really, really want.  For lack of a better term, I am begging that monitoring and enforcement will be very strict and punishments very real and very severe.  I don't know if I can cry, but that is the type punishment I expect to endure.  The fear I have felt over the last couple of sessions have made me melt with a desire to serve.  Additionally I want this to work for Mistress.  I want her to feel like I am providing true service to her.  None of this matters if her needs are not being met and if the reward for her is not worth her effort.  If anything needs to be changed, added or dropped to make Mistress happy than I am all for it.  She is my Goddess!

          

   

Checklist and Punishment

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Uh-Oh

Mistress appears to have taken my recent blog postings to heart.  Yesterday afternoon, we had another intense scene.

I went upstairs and get things ready.  I puled the bondage straps out from under the bed.  I put my wrist and ankle restraints on.  I pulled out several toys and striking implements so Mistress could decide what she wanted to use.  I put towels on the bed, put some music on and dimmed the lights.  I laid on the bed, blindfolded myself and tied 3 of my limbs to the bed straps.

Mistress came in the room.  She restrained my 4th limb and tightened the straps down TIGHT.  Mistress put 8-10 clothespins on my scrotum as well as clover nipple clamps on my nipples.  I had recently added the clover clamps to the toy drawer as the clothespins are not intense enough for me. Mistress stroked my cock while lecturing me about my recent attitude.  She continued lecturing me and telling me how things were going to go from now on as she pulled the clothespins off of my scrotum causing me to gasp.

Mistress added rubber bands to my upper thighs and proceeded to snap them.  Out of all the implements we have used so far, these leave the best marks.  I was fortunate that Mistress put 3-4 bands together.  Combined, the pain they created was less sharp than a single band.

Mistress would hit the insides of my thighs and when the pain got too much she would stroke my cock to bring me back to my desperate horny state.

I lost track of time as Mistress continued to alternate between torture and pleasure.  Mistress told me how she intends on taking me to a local drag queen event.  First to observe, with the goal of taking me out in public the next time we go.  The thought scares me to death but also excites me.  At some point I will end up being fully feminized in public.  

Mistress also talked about putting me on a points system.  The more I serve her, the quicker I get to have scenes I enjoy.  Mistress also told me that she was going to start holding me much more accountable and enforce punishments much, much quicker.  I assured her that I want to be held to the highest standard and am willing to pay dearly for not serving her well.  I need to be doing more around the house.  To me this means I need to be doing chores while Mistress relaxes on the couch.  I would like there to be a 'honey-do' list every day.  I would like Mistress to remember that I am wired differently.  Having a list of tasks and being held accountable to complete it would really reinforce our D/s dynamic. There will be some challenges and push back from me, as she pushes me harder, but we both know I will be more fulfilled the more totally I am controlled.

At one point Mistress climbed on my face with her facing my feet.  She planted her pussy on my mouth.  I licked her as furiously as I could.  I tried to reach her asshole with my tongue.  I probably went about this the wrong way.  My intention was to show her how much I want to orally serve her.  I want to be consumed by her pussy.  I want to earn the privilege to be allowed to put my tongue in her asshole.  What I think I did is I went too fast and it wasn't doing anything for her.  I really do want to casually spend an hour or more between her legs worshiping her pussy.

I believe I almost got fucked in the ass with a strap-on, but I think a wardrobe malfunction occurred so instead of an ass fucking Mistress just put the dildo in my ass.  I kept wishing it was bigger and deeper.   

I am guessing after about 30 minutes, Mistress removed one of the nipple clamps and immediately rubbed the nipple.  OMG!  It was probably the most painful thing she did to me all afternoon.  Which is surprising considering how many times she hit my balls, smacked the rubber bands and hit me hard with implements.  That was until she the took off the second nipple clamp and rubbed my nipple which again was intensely painful.  On a scale of 1-10, my nipples are still sore at a level 1.  I was hoping for a residual pain level of 5-6.   

The longer the scene went on, the more I confessed my total and complete surrender to Mistress.  I confessed that I have totally embraced chastity.  For years I have resisted it unless it was for entertainment purposes, but now I believe it is in my best interest to be locked 24/7 for the rest of my life.  Release should only be for Mistress' pleasure.  I also confessed I have now accepted my feminine side.  I truly believe I am more subservient when I am dressed, perfumed, erotically shamed, etc.  My bad attitude is when my masculine side tries to take over.  I begged Mistress to keep pushing my feminization so that I naturally choose feminine over masculine.  I need encouragement if not outright force in the afternoons and evenings, when my libido is lower, as deep down I want to be dressed.  I just need help getting me over my last bit of resistance.  Lastly I confessed how much I want to kneel at her feet.  I think this act alone is a very powerful one.  Much like a queen asks her subjects to 'bend the knee' to show they serve her, and her alone.  It might feel uncomfortable the first few times, but I would bet a large sum of money that she would get used to it and eventually love the symbolism of me kneeling before her.  I would go into subspace very quickly with just this act alone.  It also a good position to orally pleasure her.

Mistress mounted my cock and rode me.  I really thought she was going to make me cum inside her and them make me clean her out. but she had other ideas.  We are going on a long trip soon.  I tend to get stressed and snarky when we travel and having an orgasm would just increase the chance for me to have a bad attitude.  I was to have no orgasm.  Instead Mistress gave me some instructions for the week.  I am to continue to stay in chastity until we leave and had to lock myself up the second we got done.  I hope she intends to keep me locked until the morning of our trip and not release me the night before.  I truly don't want kindness and mercy.  I am also required to wear my largest butt plug for 2 hours every day until we leave (I am wearing it now).  That being said, I believe I should wear it on the morning of our trip as well.  She also mentioned that we would be having another intense scene as a preventative measure at the end of the week.  That way when I get stressed and snarky she can remind me of what will happen if I don't change my attitude.  I am wishing we have a 'daily lesson' so to speak.  

Mistress managed to edge and beat me until I was a mass of submissive putty.  I don't think there was anything I wouldn't have done at that point.  She owned me.

Before Mistress untied me I asked her if I could add a few tasks to myself that I knew I would regret.  She indulged me.  I asked to wear my bikini in out hot tub.  She told me that I could.  I also asked to wear something slutty the rest of the night and she told me no.  I asked if I could wear pink leggings and a pink camisole and she said I could.

Mistress then untied one of my limbs  She told me to untie myself and that I would now be pleasuring her.  She ran off to the bathroom while I untied myself.  I was in such a state of subspace and pure desire to serve that I untied myself and knelt on the bed awaiting her arrival.  I was still wearing my blindfold and restraints.  Mistress came back from the bathroom and laid on the bed.  She told me to use my fingers inside her.  I begged to be allowed to go down on her first.  She told me 'no'.  I am pretty sure it's because she just went to the bathroom, but I knew that.  I really wanted to lick the remaining drops of piss from her pussy.  I can't think of a more submissive way to express my true desire and devotion than to do such an act.  It is also deep rooted in my brain as it goes back to my very first submissive fantasies I had as a pre-teen.

I obeyed Mistress and started to put my fingers in Mistress and instead she changed her and and told me to fuck her.  I did, much better than I expected but still was on the edge fast.  I then made her cum several times and she squirted quite a bit.  This made me want to grab a glass and catch her juices and drink them up.  She made me fuck her again.  This time I got too close to the edge.  I should have dribbled, but somehow did not.  Mistress was not having any more of that.  She had me make her cum a few more times and then she announced she was done.  I was disappointed as I didn't want this feeling to end.  Ever.

She had me clean up the room and put everything away.  I hate having to clean up after a scene, but being made to do so put me in the right frame of mind.  I am a slave and I don't get to decide what I want to do.  We then went to the hot tub. I was wearing my bikini.  If any of our neighbors were outside paying attention, there could have been 3-4 that could have seen me.  I was in such sub-space that I really didn't care.  I could see that becoming a new requirement.  Sitting in a hot tub in a bikini is way naughtier than being nude.  The feminine reinforcement is powerful.  

The bottom half of my bikini

After the hot tub, I did put on my pink leggings and camisole and made us dinner.  Mistress did a great job of reminding me of my outfit and my position as her slave.  I forgot to wear my butt plug when we got out of the hot tub.  I am fortunate Mistress reminded me as I was able to put it in at bedtime and sleep with it in for a few hours.  If I were her, I would have let me fail so I could have punished me for it.  I'm mean like that.  

At bedtime I thanked Mistress for her abuse.  I also encouraged her to keep at it.  This morning as I write this I am encouraged where this is heading.  I am still in pretty strong sub-space and am willing to do absolutely anything.  Mistress has now had a couple scenes where she has shown an ability to be mean.  I am truly scared of disobeying which is something I can only say a few times not only in this relationship but in my entire life.  I want to live in a certain state of fear because that fear is what will get me through my resistance and disobedience.  Fear will free me.

                 

        

Femininity, Chastity and Public Humiliation

I am just a mess of hormones, submissiveness and desire.  Today is Saturday and Mistress doesn't make me dress feminine on the weekends 😓, but I do have to wear my perfume and women's deodorant.   That being said, I just couldn't help it.  I was drawn into the spare bedroom and found something feminine but casual.  I put on a skort I have never worn before and a low cut top.  I am slowly getting more and more comfortable being dressed.  It excites the hell out of me to feel I can't help it.

Chastity - I am still locked and enjoying the helplessness.  Mistress offered to let me out of my device to clean up.  I assured her that with all of my devices I can clean myself.  Over the years I have learned to shave and clean around my devices.  Some are more difficult than others, but am not one of those guys that need to be released for hygiene purposes.  No matter how clean a device is, after urination it's no longer clean.

Public humiliation - There are many blog posts here where I fantasize about some public humiliation.   Mistress and I saw something last night that brought it up to the forefront of my mind.  We had to go to the mall which is something we rarely do.  When we were leaving there was a couple walking toward us.  The female half of this couple was wearing ankle boot, jeans, and a top that as tight as any top I have ever seen in public, possibly even a size too small.  Now that I think about it, the way it was tucked in, it was likely a body suit.  What stuck out (no pun intended) were her nipples.  She didn't have large breasts, but she did have some protruding nipple, and she clearly wasn't wearing a bra. This is the closest approximation that I could find online.

Her shirt was a bit thicker as you wouldn't see any hint of areola, but here she was walking through a department store with her nipples on display for all.  What struck me is that she wasn't doing this to show off.  She seemed ashamed.  She didn't look up into anyone's eyes.  My mind eventually assumed this was some sort of game she and her man were playing, and I am inclined to believe a D/s game.  If she was an exhibitionist I believe she would have been trying to make eye contact.  Since she seemed to avoid it I believe it was a public humiliation outing.  And I was jealous!  

We didn't hang out or follow them to see what the deal was.  It took us a few minutes to grasp what we saw, but I wish we would have observed a bit longer.  Like I said, I was jealous.  I tried to imagine my own public shaming.  Now I too could get my nipples super stiff and wear a tight shirt, but I don't think I would be too ashamed.  Maybe wearing a bra under a thicker shirt and made to walk through the mall.  Everyone would think I just had large man boobs, but in my paranoid mind, they would all just know I was wearing a bra.  Or painting my fingernails a bright shade of red, and walking through several stores through the mall.  Mistress wouldn't let me put my hands in my pocket.  Likely, no one would notice but I would be terrified.  Using the shocking dog collar in public.  Mistress would take me to a strip bar with me in my heavy steel chastity device and would make me wear heavy perfume.  She would get me a lap dance and the stripper would comment on both my perfume and my device as she rubbed her butt against it.  Wearing a woman's button up shirt in public.  Wearing nylon or fishnet socks with no male socks.  Forced to cum in my pants and walk around with it.   Wearing makeup in public.  Kissing Mistress feet in public.  All of these ideas horrify me, but turn me on at the same time.           

Lastly, I have to work a few hours today.  I fantasize about Mistress masturbating a few time and texting me each time she has an orgasm.  Or Mistress texts me pics, words, or screen shots of things she knows will get me all worked up.

Going to my happy place

When I am stressed, sick, or in some other distress, I have have a coping mechanism that I call 'going to my happy place'.  My happy place is anything D/s related that takes my mind off of what is stressing me our or making me feel sick.  Lately I have had a ton of work related stress.  I will wake up in the middle of the night and am unable to go back to sleep.  Sometimes I can lie awake for hours, stressing.  Last night I woke up and started to stress again.  I decided I wasn't going to let that happen so I tried going to my happy place.

I started thinking about my current state of being in chastity 24/7 for 10 days now.  Last night Mistress had stated we needed to make time for a torture session soon.  My mind drifted to recent blog posts about being meaner.  My random thoughts we not enough and my mind kept drifting back to work stresses.  I had to try something new.  I came up with a version of kinky 'counting sheep'.

I decided to go from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet and think of all the things that could be done to my body in a D/s kind of way.  Here's how it went to the best of my ability to recall.  Some of this may be more extreme than expected due to my darker nature depending on stress levels.

Head - A wig. My full leather bondage hood, laced tightly and left on for hours.

Eyes - Blindfolds.  Eye makeup.  Clear mascara in public.

Ears - Clip on earrings worn around the house at all times.  White noise being pumped into my ears through headphones for sensory deprivation.  Clothespins on earlobes.

Nose - Forced smelling.  Mouth taped shut and nose clamped for breath play.  Nose hook for humiliation.

Mouth - Ball gag.  Penis gag.  Dildo Gag.  Ring gag, used to put things in my mouth like cum, spit, piss, lemon juice, etc.  Bar of ivory soap in mouth for being lippy or talking back.  Throat fucking.  Lipstick.  Clothespin on tongue.  Lot's of oral sex for Mistress.  Licking Mistress' asshole.  Being forced to lick my cum from a plate.

Face - Face slapping.  Full Makeup. Duct tape to gag mouth shut (with dirty panties in my mouth).

Neck - My wire collar. Locking leather collar.  Posture Collar.  Choking.  Feminine choker worn at home.  Rope around the neck.  Wrists tied to neck.  Women's necklace.    

Chest/Nipples - Pierced again.  Bra.  Silicone bra Inserts.  Nipple clamps.  Sand paper on nipples, rubbed raw. Icy hot on nipples.  Suction cups on nipples until bruised.  Needle play.  Clothespin zipper.

Arms/wrists/hands - locking cuffs worn at home.  Handcuffed as much as possible.  Feminine bracelet.  Nail polish.  Fake nails on weekends.  Feminine rings.  Shaved armpits.  

Torso - Shaved at all times. More suction cup bruises.  Wearing a corset a few hours every week.  Mistress takes me out with a tightly laced corset on under my clothes.  Rubber band bruises. Permanent marker with humiliating things written on me.  Tramp stamp on back.  

Yes, this is me.

Cock and Balls - Never ending chastity.  Forced orgasm while in chastity  Balls tied to ankles and feet tickled.  Icy hot or similar applied to cock and balls.  Urethral sounds.  Humbler with electricity.  Shocking dog collar on balls.  Hair plucking when I go too long without shaving.  Hot wax.   Acrylic ball crusher (edge me until I am about to cum and then tighten the screws).  Apply numbing cream and a condom before fucking Mistress so I can last longer.  It's amazing how much you can crush balls without damaging them.

Yes, this is me too.

Ass - A beating until I use my safeword (and then some more).  Icy hot on asshole.  Plugged more often.  Fucking machine for a long slow ass fucking (lube continuously applied to make it last until I am begging for it to stop.) Enemas.  Strap on.  Buy a suction cup dildo for self torture.  E-stim butt plug.  

Legs - Shaved at all times - Thigh high stockings. Rubber band bruises.  Being tied until legs start shaking.  More permanent marker.

Knees - kneeling in front of Mistress.  Must kneel at my computer when I am writing my blog or looking at porn.  Kneeling on rice.  Forced kneeling as punishment.

Feet - Nail polish at all times.  High heels worn at home.  Feminine toe rings.  Forced to stand on spiked mat.  Women's socks at work.  Grains of rice added to the inside of my heels or in socks at work.  Must come home with same number of grains of rice.  Caning or using a leather strap on the bottom of the feet (also known as bastinado).

 

Shortly after this mental excersize I was able to fall asleep.  It's funny how my twisted little brain works.

More and more

Just when I thought I couldn't get any hornier.  Mistress seems to be enjoying my chastity and because of that I am enjoying my time in chastity that much more.  Mistress gave me a nice little tease last night before bed which sets the tone just right for the night.  On top of that I was wearing my body hugging nighty all night so every time I woke up I was instantly aware of my situation.

As I was waking up, my mind kept going to places very close to my limits.  I fantasized about being locked in the cage.  I fantasized about Mistress taking me to a cross dressing friendly bar so she could have me in public.  I fantasized about Mistress tying me down and putting things in my mouth against my will.  I fantasized about a day called 'Mistress Pleasure Day', where my only job is to pleasure Mistress.  A bath, followed by a massage followed by a foot massage, followed by as many orgasms as she can handle.  I am to be her complete sexual and personal servant for a day or a weekend or longer!

When I got up, I put a nice full spray of perfume on my chest.  It fills my nostrils and takes me even deeper in subspace.  I am committed to wearing as many different feminine clothes as I can right now.  My slutty side was dying to wear one of my 2 slutty club dresses, but I am forcing myself into more normal clothes.  I am wearing slacks, a bra, a blouse and my highest heels with the strap a little bit too tight just for fun.

As I am writing this blog on one monitor, I have another monitor open. On the other monitor is a blog of all things feminine. The blog bills itself as "Dedicated to the feminization of sexuality in a world of power relationships."  As I write I scroll and watch a few minutes of videos.  Now my favorite posts are the ones of "difficult situations".  I imagine myself being feminized and being put in all of these awful predicaments and left to suffer  http://allthefemme.tumblr.com/tagged/predicament  

We have a set of stocks just like this.  I can so imagine this happening to me.

My next favorite one is feminization  http://allthefemme.tumblr.com/tagged/feminization All of these posts make my cock stiffen up in it's cage.  

I love this caption.

Lastly, I came across a video that really got my interest.  I can't believe I will even write this and I know I will come to regret it.  It's tickle torture.  I think I would rather be beat than tickled.  Watching the videos, it's not the tickling that turns me on, it's the helplessness that the victim experiences.  I am a huge sucker for helplessness and having control taken away from me.  I actually believe I would try to use my safeword if I was being tickled, but since no one is getting hurt, there is really no need for a safeword.  I have avoided bringing up this topic for over 7 years as I am afraid what will happen.  http://allthefemme.tumblr.com/tagged/tickling   

All of that being said, chastity, denial and feminization are keeping me so ramped up I am getting more and more willing to do anything.  I love this feeling even though it make want to do things more and more against my perceived limits.     

Conditioning and Normalization

Mistress is really starting to do a good job of mentally torturing me.  Over the course of last evening, Mistress told me she had intended on letting me out for some D/s play, but I got home too late and missed out.  Of course I had no idea that was part of any plan so it's an extra mindfuck.  Mistress also mentioned that she had masturbated while I was at work.  I find that very, very hot, especially with my cock locked in chastity.  I imagine her texting me through out the day telling me she just had another orgasm.  It makes me want to be forced to track her orgasms on this blog along with my own.  Talk about a mind fuck.  Logging dozens and dozens of orgasms every month while I got months at a time without one.  Hot!  https://missbossybitchsboy.blogspot.com/p/history-of-orgasms.html

Mistress also played with my locked cock before bed.  Now that does several things to me.  It let's me know that Mistress acknowledges (and hopefully enjoys) my situation.  It gets me ramped up far more than I can ramp myself.  Having her fingers all over my locked cock, makes my head spin.  It reinforces my place in our relationship.

Being locked in chastity for long periods and having Mistress torment me, is exactly how my chastity fantasies play out.  Being locked and ignored is no fun.  Being locked and constantly reminded and tormented makes me want to stay locked forever and ever.

Last nights teasing has me pretty worked up this morning.  I woke up and my mind went straight to naughty town.  I got up and put a full spray of perfume.  I got dressed in some feminine clothes.  I have a fairly large selection (always want more) and I am forcing myself to wear things I rarely wear.  These clothes are more modest, which I am so no modest right now, but wearing more normal clothes, is an important part of normalizing my feminization.  I did put on my high strappy pumps and I tightened the straps a couple extra holes so I can feel like my ankles are restrained.

This picture I saw yesterday really spoke to me.

I recently had a dream where I have become so accustomed to being dressed that I stepped out of a hotel room to investigate something outside my door that I forgot that I was dressed.  In real life I have ventured out on the back patio in feminine attire, certainly very aware of my situation.  But the truth is that I am getting more and more conditioned to being dressed up.  I used to never wear my bras, but now I try to find a shirt where I can wear one.  Not because it's comfortable, but because it's not, and I am getting used to it.  I am too shy to wear my inserts though.  I used to wear heels for only a short period of time, but now I am used to them and walking in them.  They are not comfortable, but I miss them when I take them off.  On the weekends Mistress doesn't make me dress, but I can't resist and put on something casual but feminine when I wake up.  I do wish she "forced" me to be dressed more often or made me wear certain items to push my boundaries even further.  I love the conditioning and normalization of my feminine side as well as my chastity device.  I can't believe I can say that.        

    

Getting desperate

As of this morning I have been locked in chastity for a full week.  I hate to admit it's going much better than I anticipated.  I want to touch myself and I can't, not even for a second.  The main thing I miss (besides being able to touch my cock) is wearing panties.  To avoid issues my device needs the support of men's underwear.  Being locked up is very much worth that minor inconvenience.

I am now a couple days shy of 4 weeks since my last full orgasm and  2.5 weeks since I was drained with a ruined orgasm. In the last 95 days I have only cum 3 times.

Between my cock being locked, Mistress calling me 'slave' occasionally (which I love), dressing feminine and having my orgasms heavily rationed, I am in heaven.  My head is spinning.  I am absolutely desperate for terrible treatment.  Or even sweet but humiliating treatment.  Or a major evening of servicing Mistress while I go without.  Anything really.  I can't explain it, I just know I yearn for it.

All of that being said, I don't have much time to post, so here are pictures of my mood today.

  

Meaner is better

We have a standing rule that I am to be locked in chastity whenever Mistress has her period.  Mistress started her period on Monday and they tend to last about 5 days.  On Thursday night Mistress came home form happy hour with the girls in a mood that I would call happy and horny, but not too horny.  She was kissing me more than usual, she climbed onto my lap, she playfully spanked me a few times and was generally aggressive.  I liked it.  Mistress asked me if I was a good boy that day.  Since I have been trying to get Mistress to be meaner with me, I told her, no.  She mentioned that it was too bad because she was going to let me out of chastity.  I stated, "you really are having a hard time being meaner to me, aren't you?"  She said, no, she is not.  That was kind of the end of it, and yes, I did stay locked.

Last night at bed time I noticed that the trash can that had been emptied the night before had no tampon packaging in it, which means Mistress' period ended on Thursday.  That's why she was going to let me out.  I said I wasn't a good boy so she is doing a wonderful job of keeping me locked up.

Now I wasn't really a bad boy on Thursday, or any day for that matter.  I am generally pretty good and try hard to keep Mistress happy. However, I can pretend to be bad if that gets Mistress to be meaner to me.  I can confess to things that Mistress doesn't mind, but other women might.  I ogled at a couple of waitresses at the bar.  I used swear words.  I was speeding.  I can certainly be punished for mild bad (made up) deeds as much as major ones.

As we were going to bed last night I told her she needed to have her own mantra.  A way of reinforcing the idea of be meaner to me.  I came up with something.

Meaner is better

Meaner makes my slave happy

Meaner makes my slave obedient

Meaner is the same as nicer in my slave's submissive brain

Meaner makes my slave want to serve me even more

Meaner is better

Last night as I was falling asleep, I imagined all of the mean things Mistress could do to me.  Most guys would run at the thought of being treated this way and I think they would be the most exiting things she could do to me.  A lot of these things would suck to endure, but I know when it was over I would be in a deeper state of submission.  Other than her bringing a man into our D/s world, I can't imagine a thing Mistress could do to me that would upset me.  My head is spinning with the idea of begging for mercy and not getting it.  Mmmmmm.

   

Lately

I am going to start off with the thing that is highest in my thought process now.  Last night while sitting on the couch Mistress held up her glass and said 'slave'.  The word came out at least three times over the course of the evening and I absolutely loved it.  The thought of being called something that is not my name, nor a common nicety (baby, sweety, honey) and instead being called something most would find offensive (slut, bitch, slut, sissy, whore) is intensely hot to me.  The word slave is powerful and has multiple meanings to me, such as being under control, not having rights, owned by Mistress etc.  The other words mentioned are also hot and also relevant given my feminization fantasies and most of those words typically being used for degrading a women.  That being said, having my name ignored and replaced with something else is something I could get very used to and it makes my head spin with excitement.  A constant verbal acknowledgment of Mistress's acceptance of my submissiveness as well as confirmation of my status in our relationship.  What more could a guy want?

The next topic is dressing feminine.  In the morning, especially after a spray of perfume, I have little problem dressing feminine.  In fact I have been adding bra's almost daily and have been choosing my highest heels on the days I only get to wear them for a couple hours.  I am trying to be more and more feminine.  Later in the day is the real challenge for me mentally.  Yesterday I came home early from the office to work at home.  I should have changed clothes (and wanted to actually) but I got insecure and my stupid male masculinity took over.  I technically disobeyed a standing rule, but I didn't want to disobey.  It's one of those things I wish I had more control over and could obey without question.  It's where being held accountable and forced would help me out mentally submit over the long term.  While a punishment would certainly be in order I am not trying to top from the bottom.  A friendly reminder from Mistress that I need to go change would also work.  Adding the number of hours I am to be dressed every day would also help condition me to my afternoon drop in testosterone.  I want to obey.

Lastly, Chastity.  Mistress started her period yesterday.  That means I am to be locked up in chastity for the duration.  Why am I not locked up yet?  I have a nice Mistress.  Now Mistress is far nicer than I would be if the tables were turned.  The second I found out I was starting I would tell my slave to lock it up, even if it was in the middle of the night.  I would also wait to unlock my slave until the day after I was 100% sure I was done.  Even if that meant we had sex and he had to be locked back up because I wasn't quite done.  I would add extra 'reminders' of my period if the tables were turned, but am not giving any ideas.  Like I said, Mistress is nicer than I would be.  I am sitting here writing this, wanting to stroke my cock only because I know it will be locked soon (after my morning bike ride).  Generally I don't think about it, but when I am locked or will be getting locked I can't take my mind off of my cock.  It's one of the great misunderstandings about chastity.  I think a lot of women lock of their man's cock because he focuses on it too much.  Locking it up increases the focus, it just eliminates his ability refocus on something else.

Today's Mood

Locked in chastity until anal orgasms are obtained.

    

Public Play

We have been watching a TV show lately called 'The Sinner' with Jessica Biel and Bill Pullman.  In it, Bill Pullman's character is seeing what I am guessing is a pro-Domme or at least a kinky partner.  He keeps trying to break it off but he keeps coming back.  There are a few hints of their scenes, but the public one is what got me.  They both happen to be at the grocery store and it's during a time when he's told her he can't see her.  They see each other in the store down one of the aisles.  She takes a small box of oranges and dumps them on the floor and she just watches him.  You can tell he wants to walk away, but his submissive brain won't let him.  He walks down the aisle to the first orange.  He gets on his hands and knees and picks up all the oranges.  As soon as he is done, she walks off, leaving him with the oranges.  Hot!

That reminded me of the TV show 'Billions' with Paul Giamati.  Paul and his wife indulge in some Femdom and they also have a pro-Domme that they have have had sessions with.  Later in the series, Paul meets with the pro-Domme in a deli so that he can pick up the file she keeps on her clients.  He is about to run for public office and doesn't want anything to come back and bite him.  As they stand at the deli counter, they chat, but they don't even look at each other as they are trying act like they don't know one another.  As they end their meeting, she drops something.  She tells him to 'pick it up', and because he is submissive, he does.  I loved that scene.

Yesterday we had a bit of this ourselves.  Mistress and I ran to grab a quick breakfast so I just threw on some shoes without socks.  After breakfast we decided to go shopping instead of heading home.  I have been looking at buying a new pair of shoes and there were some good sales where we were at.  My toenails are painted a bright shiny shade of pink.  I had no socks, but wanted to try on some shoes.  I had to be careful, but the fear tuned me on.  Also, I tried on some pants in a few stores, so I had to take off my shoes in some of the dressing rooms.  I turned facing the wall so people couldn't see under the door and see my toenail.  I was also wearing panties, so seeing myself in the mirror in just a t-shirt, panties and painted toenails in a very brightly lit dressing room definitely added to my humiliation and fear of getting caught.  This was by no means a D/s shopping trip, but my brain certainly thought it was.

Just writing about it makes me want to escalate the experience.  Maybe I go shopping wearing a camisole and stockings.  Maybe Mistress drops something in every store we go into, purposely making sure it drops under a rack or at the register so I have to go on my knees to pick it up.  Maybe Mistress has me try on something that will embarrass me in a store with co-ed dressing rooms.   Maybe Mistress makes me put on women's clothes and we go for a ride in her car, a convertible. I fear public humiliation, but it also excites the heck out of me.

Also this post just happened.  It has public humiliation that may turn into a full blown scene.  http://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com/2017/08/still-got-it.html

Follow Up:
I posted the other day about being put in the smother box and servicing Mistress for hours.  Yesterday I ran into this Tumblr post.  http://slavewade.tumblr.com/post/153972405403/mistress-bonnie-rotten-enjoys-using-a-locked-in 

    

Others being mean

I read a lot of things online about D/s.  What I am mostly drawn to is people being treated badly by their dominant.  I prefer women treated men cruelly, but there just aren't enough people that post about their experiences in a female dominant sense.  There are even fewer that post pictures.  This means I end up looking at many blogs and pictures of women being treated poorly when looking for pictures of a certain topic.  When I see these pictures of women being treated cruelly I don't fantasize about myself being cruel to women (although I could if Mistress would switch once in a while).  I fantasize about me being treated as much like those women as possible.  Here is a summary of some of the blogs I like to visit and get myself all worked up thinking it's me being treated this way.  I am fascinated by the cruelty.

http://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com - is my favorite.  They are a couple that seems to live a normal day to day life, but when they turn on the kink, they turn it on. The husband gets spankings I dream of trying but don't think I could take.  They bring witnesses and participants into his beatings and humiliation.  Then at the end of the day they go back to being a normal couple.

https://msscarletuk.wordpress.com - is one that actually scares me as much as it enthralls me.  She is truly cruel and I am mesmerized by it.  Some of her tortures include frequent application of Deep Heat to his cock and balls.  She also uses stinging nettles but I don;t know where to get those.  Ice cubes of her piss being delivered into his mouth drop by drop through a funnel gag.  A caning before he misbehaves and to set the tone for the day.  He spends hours 4-8 hours at a time tied to a bed with a hood on, blindfolded, his ears plugged, and those ice cubes so all he can think of is his evil Mistress.  She in turn binge watches a show or some other activity she enjoys getting turned on at the thought of his suffering.  She visits him every 30-60 minutes to refresh the Deep Heat or the ice cubes.  Lastly instead of letting him dress as a woman she makes him dress as a little girl.

http://kittydenied.tumblr.com a female sub that has to endure chastity, denial and lots of deep throating practice.  One of my favorite fantasies is pictured below.  Having my arms bound behind my back and being told to get to a certain number (not too low).  I would have to take the cock down my throat far enough to get my nose to hit the button.

https://greyhoundsowner.tumblr.com - my new favorite.  If only this was a guy being treated this way.  She it totally subjugated.  Her diet is controlled.  She has to use a litter box. She must wear heels at all times, if not, her heels are not allowed to touch the floor.  She is plugged at all times.  She is in chastity at all times.  She is tied to a bed or caged every night.  She is restrained for hours on end in very painful positions. He uses a cattle prod on her.  I can only imagine how terrible this would be to endure, but at the same time, I wish I were her.

A little more ball holding today for greyhound after our shower. I like putting her in a position that, at first seems fine, but after an hour or so it becomes harder and harder to maintain. That wood collar/yoke weighs about five pounds as well, so it’s kinda hard to stay like that. I sometimes leave her like this for the afternoon, and enjoy the sounds of her whimpering as her legs cramp. 

Greyhound sleeping in her straight jacket tonight!

This is “The Block”. It’s a 30 pound piece of wood (much heavier if solid, but I hollowed it out a little) that greyhound is required to hold. I use this to park her at times, giving her a task that she needs to focus on. She is not allowed to lower it at all, and as you can see, keeps it at about the same level, as instructed. 

I love putting greyhound on the perch. Sometimes she goes up there late morning, after her chores, and I leave her just like this for the rest of the day. As you can imagine, it’s very hard on her pussy, being tied down so she is planted firmly against the wood. Sometimes I come in and use the cattle prod to make sure she’s still awake. 

Here are some other "go to" sites, but not as mean as the folks above.

https://keephimcaged.tumblr.com/ A Wife's Guide To Male Chastity And Cock Cages
 https://keephimcaged.tumblr.com/ A Sensual Domme's World: Female Led Relationship, tease & denial, pegging, chastity, guys in lingerie and more.  These are both filled with images and ideas that make my head spin.

http://saragirlsissyconfessions.blogspot.com I love this one for the sissy and chastity imagery.  Very feminine stuff.  There is a lot of cuckolding in this one which I am not into (unless Mistress finds a woman to cuckold me with :-)

https://dominajen.com  This is the blog that taught me the disobeying is a reaction to insecurity. Instead of backing down when a slave disobeys, it's time to double down.  I also like reading about her taking her feminized slave out in public.

http://totallysubjugated.tumblr.com -  A Tumblr blog devoted to the overall surrender of control. To be caged, boxed, confined; to have your freedom and choice of movement eroded away. To become completely and totally, subjugated.

Defiance

Being in a loving relationship is wonderful.  We rarely fight, are each other's best friends and everything is really good.  When things are wonderful, you want to treat each other really, really well.   And we do.  That's a problem in a D/s relationship when one person's idea of being treated well is most people's idea of being treated poorly.

Last Saturday, Mistress was pretty physically brutal with me.  He words were also tougher sounding than normal which was music to my ears.  All week she has been a bit more feisty around the house with me which has been great.  All week I have replayed not only the scene, but Mistress' comments over and over.  My bruises are fading and my libido is back through the roof, and I am yearning for some harshness.

All week I have been dreaming of being dressed feminine at night, when it's particularly more humiliating for me.  I imagined my ass being plugged while sitting on the couch.  I imagined being tied face down and beaten as well as face up and having my nipples and cock tortured.  I imagined Mistress sitting on the floor at Mistress' feet and giving her a foot massage.  I imagined her putting a tightly laced corset on me in the evenings just to make sitting difficult.  I imagined having to wear feminine items other than my nighty to bed at night.  I imagined being tide down to the spare bedroom bed all night with the smell of perfume all around me.  I imagined being tied to a chair all dressed up while we watch our evening programs.  I imagined lots of mean things happening.   

All of this has had me questioning on what would happen if I acted out or was defiant.  It's a common topic in D/s relationships where it's 'topping from the bottom' or being a 'brat' all with the intent of forcing a reaction. In my fantasy mind I would say 'no' to something or not do something, or be snarky and then Mistress would take me over her knee or tie me down and beat me, etc.  That would be hot.  In reality, I don't think it would work and it wouldn't be much fun for her.  She wants to be obeyed and respected and I want to obey and respect her.

As I was writing the above paragraph, I had an idea.  What if there were certain behaviors that were agreed upon that could I could do to signify a desire to be dealt with harshly?  Pretend defiance so to speak.  A playful way for me to be a brat in a way that is good for our overall relationship.  'Forgetting' to repaint my toenails.  Sticking my tongue out when asked to do something.  I would still do what was asked, but the tongue would be a signal.  Grabbing Mistress in a forceful manner.  These could all be signs that I am wanting to act out, but also wanting to respect what we have.

I want to be hurt and treated mean, in a loving way.  Talk about contradictory!