Figuring out a way to serve better.

I've had a hard time figuring out what to post the last couple of days.  With everything going on lately such as chastity, Mistress being much crueler the last couple times she has had me tied up, being called a slave and Mistress pushing me more has me in slave heaven.  That being said, I'm not 100% how much of this she enjoys and how much of it is just her accommodating me?  I have been thinking about this lately but didn't really know how to describe it.  Then, as fate would have it, I ran across a post this morning that hit home for me.  The post is called 'Mistakes men make'.  Now I don't know if this is happening or not, but I wanted to put it out there for discussion.  

This post is written about a new FLR (Female Led Relationship), but can certainly be for an existing one.  Here are a couple specific quotes that made me wonder about me.

"You want everything, and you want it right now.  You want to be brutally beaten, degraded, dehumanized, humiliated, emasculated.  You want the fantasy.

It’s understandable.  It really is.  I totally get it.

 But you get too eager, you want to move too fast, while she’s still unsure and insecure, and still wading her way through all of this newness.  You urge her on, you encourage her to do more, to dive deeper into it, you bound ahead of her, practically dragging her behind you.

An experienced Domme knows how to yank you back, slam you back where you belong, and give you a much-needed reality check.  But she’s not an experienced Domme.  She doesn’t know how to do that.  Moreover, she may not even realize she can.

Instead, she tries to keep up with you, tries to give you what you ask for.  But it’s exhausting.  She feels constant pressure to be something she’s not, because she hasn’t had the time or the freedom to let that part of her grow.

Soon, she’s not doing this because she wants it, anymore.  She’s doing this for you.  To please you.  But she feels like her wants and needs are being ignored, she certainly doesn’t feel Dominant, and the whole thing feels disingenuous.

And your encouragement and urging begins to feel like pressure.  She feels pressured to be what you want her to be.  That pressure kills her lust, kills her desire, and kills any interest she may have had in an FLR dynamic."

And

"But I mentioned that there are a couple of reasons why you’re wrong, a couple of reasons why you’re making such a horrible decision.  The other reason why this is a huge mistake is that, in your eagerness and enthusiasm, you forget one very, very, very, very important thing:  She is the Domme, you are the sub.  And the female-led relationship needs to be just that: A Female-Led Relationship."

Maybe I am just being insecure, but I can see this being me, as I have been accused of this in previous relationships.  With all of my recent posts, there has been a lot of things I have written about that I would like to have happen to me/us.  Mistress is good at this, and she is very encouraging for pretty much everything we do, but I know I ask for things she just isn't into that much.  I really would like to define what does and doesn't work for her.  Does having me follow a written checklist work for her? I think so, but I don't know.  Does having me dress feminine as much as I do please her as much as it pleases me?  I think so, but am not certain.  I think she likes having me in chastity, but how much?  While I enjoy having things done to me, that's the physical part of it.  However I am now at a point in my life and in our relationship that I want to submit myself in a way that serves Mistress much more than it serves me.  

Here are a couple quotes from her follow up post to Dommes with subs like me.

 Find some part of it that legitimately appeals to you, something that you think you’d enjoy doing in real life, in your relationship.

This will help you figure out the kind of Domme you want to be.  It’ll help you figure out your identity as a Dominant.

Next, read my Mistakes Men Make post, linked at the top of this article.  Be aware that your partner will very likely attempt the behaviors listed there, and be prepared to handle it.  Learn to recognize if he starts moving too quickly for your liking or becomes too focused on his needs.

Then, give yourself permission to be a bitch.  This is the single hardest thing you’ll have to overcome.  You’ll likely struggle with it, you’ll deal with guilt because it will seem overly selfish to you.

Yeah, that’s the point.

Granted, it’s grossly, hysterically oversimplified, but if you’re struggling with any particular situation, remind yourself that the whole point of a FemDom relationship is that you’re in charge.  It’s all about you.

Correcting your husband will be tough.  So start small.  Give him a chore or two that he has to do each day.  Something simple.  And should he forget or get distracted or whatever, punish him for it (make the punishment fit the crime.  Spanking him nonstop for 20 minutes because he forgot to take the trash out isn’t a reasonable thing to do).

Alternatively, give him a chore, supervise him, and become extremely controlling and micromanaging while he does the chore.

Doing the dishes is a good place to start.  Constantly give him instruction and correction.  Every detail.  Make shit up.  It doesn’t matter.

And make him listen and do what you tell him.

Will he find this exercise pleasant?  Probably not.  Who cares?  It’s not about him, anyway. 

And

  This will help you tremendously when your husband makes the kind of mistakes most men in his position make.  You’ll be more sure of yourself, you’ll feel more comfortable reining him in and bringing him to heel when he gets too far ahead or loses focus, and it’ll help him learn faster that he needs to take his cues from you, not his fantasies. 

Here is the link both posts - a full read is worth it.

https://dominajen.com/2016/02/10/mistakes-men-make/

https://dominajen.com/2017/09/08/from-vanilla-to-ds/

Maybe I am wrong and Mistress loves everything we do, but I suspect there is more I can be doing for her.  I want that more than anything.  Maybe this post will help us get there.