'Working' from home

My last orgasm was on January 13th.  After today it will be 60 days.  My all time record is around 75 days.  If I don't have an orgasm the rest of the month, I will easily set a new record and I want Mistress to be the record holder, not my ex.  Even after setting a new record, I am pretty OK with the idea of not being allowed to cum.  However at the same time, I think that forgetting how good an orgasm feels makes the denial easier.  There is something about having an orgasm that makes me want one more.

This morning Mistress got up before I did.  In my current state of mind, I decided to edge myself before getting out of bed.  It was very easy to bring myself to the edge and I had some thoughts running through my mind.  Mistress has started working from home exclusively.  When she went to an office every day, I had the ability to edge myself while she was at work.  I also was able to dress or not dress as I chose.  I could also occasionally do a little self bondage.  Now that she works from home, I have less freedom, which is exactly what I want.  So my edging this morning had me thinking of ways that Mistress could mess with me.

I thought of every cliched sexual harassment story you've ever heard, but with me as he one being harassed.  Being made to get her coffee, or a drink or some other task just so she can ogle me or feel me up.

That made me think of the secretary movie and how bondage and spankings made their way into the office.

That made me fantasize about having to wear restraints on my ankles and wrists on the days I work from home.  Making it easy for Mistress to restrain me at my desk or on our bed for an occasionally "break" during our day. 

  

Having Mistress set out my attire for the day.

Or even better.  Having to service Mistress and or suck her strap on like the slutty office secretary.  I imagine having to give Mistress an orgasm every hour during our work day.

Or having to work in my cage for the day at Mistress feet.

Or having Mistress control my butt plug during the day.

I managed to edge myself about a dozen times while I thought about all of the nasty ways Mistress could use me.  I finally stopped when I almost leaked a bit of pre-cum.  I didn't want to have to lick up cum first thing in the morning.  I got dressed up in my 2nd shortest skirt with heels and a blouse.  I am in such a mood.   

In closing, Mistress now has the ability to really keep me under her thumb in so many ways.  

The power of scent

One of the biggest surprises I have had in recent years is understanding the power of a scent.  I knew that smells can bring back memories of a long time ago.  Every time I smell leaves in the fall, I am immediately reminded of walking home from school back in junior high over 30 years ago.  Fresh cut cedar takes me back to my first job also 30+ years ago.

That brings me to current time.  Mistress bought me some perfume before Christmas so that I could add it to my daily feminization.  Out of all the feminine things I do, wearing perfume has the strongest, most immediate impact on me.  I can have pretty much zero femme thoughts when I wake up, but one spray of perfume on my chest and my brain goes into feminine overdrive.  It makes me WANT to be more and more feminine.  It pretty much removes any desire I have of resisting feminization.  When I pick out my feminine clothes for the day, the perfume makes me want to choose sexier, sluttier or classier clothes.  No jeans and t-shirts, but skirts, dresses and uncomfortable high heels become my choice of attire.

I had been planning on writing this post for some time, but what triggered it today is a post and caption I saw online.

It wouldn’t take many nights like this, only being allowed to cum or even touch himself without the smell of her filling his nose, before the scent of her would become pleasure.

I often fantasize about Mistress doing this to me.  I love the idea of the panties being worn by her all day ending up on my face any time my cock received attention.  I love the idea of training my brain to make her worn panties an aphrodisiac.  To train me in such a way that I can't get off without her scent.  Some duct tape to keep me from breathing through my mouth and some worn panties or pantyhose stretched over my nostrils.  I would be in submissive heaven.

Or even worse, my own worn or cum stained panties or pantyhose.

Just thinking of being tied down, blindfolded, teased, denied, and tortured.  Having Mistress' scent fill my nostrils and my brain.  Just thinking of it makes my cock hard.

Writing this I am reminded of a blog where a Mistress used her dirty socks in this manner.  Even more devious, she made her slave get turned on whenever she took off her shoes.  http://wedlocked-femdom.com/2014/11/22/training-the-slave-to-become-aroused-by-a-smell/

In closing, scent is very powerful.  Much more powerful than I ever imagined it could be.  I am starting to fantasize about all the ways we can use different scents in a D/s way.  From adding perfume to my nightime routine or adding a pair of worn panties to my nostrils next time I am locked in the dog cage.  The idea of having shoes taped to my face or being forced to smell Mistress' socks to condition me, it's all very erotic to me.

    

Getting back to 'normal'

It's been nearly a month since I wore anything feminine.  Last night at bedtime, Mistress made me go put on a nighty.  Apparently I needed a little push as I hadn't done it on my own.  She also told me I had to start wearing my perfume today as well as items under my work clothes.  I managed to sleep in my new chastity device last night, which woke me up with a few hardons.  When I woke up this morning, I put on my perfume.  It was powerful to say the least as I instantly decided to dress fully this morning even though it wasn't yet required.  Not only that, but I went all out.  I am in a black bra, black see through blouse, black skirt and my 6 inch black pumps with ankle straps.  The perfume goes straight to my brain and affects me in some very powerful way.  While I enjoyed the comfort of my male clothes I have to admit, I like the femininity as well as the challenge of wearing heels and other less comfortable clothes.  It fucks with my mind in all the right ways.

As we were falling asleep last night, Mistress teased my locked up cock and told me not to worry, we would be having normal sex again soon.  I asked what that meant and she told me we would be having sex that gave her orgasms, implying that I won't be cumming any time soon.  I really can't blame her.  When I cum I lose the desire and lust that makes me a slutty submissive.  I become a bit belligerent and harder to deal with.  By keeping me from having an orgasm she keeps me in the right frame of mind.  By us having frequent sex and making my focus about her pleasure, we both win.  It's been 46 days since my last orgasm of which 17 days were due to circumstances beyond our control.  In case anyone is feeling sorry for me, at this point last year I only had 2 orgasms.  I've already had 3 this year.

Mistress tweaked one of our protocols the other day.  In the past, I would get up and get her coffee prepared by getting the machine all set up so that all she had to do was hit the button when she got up.  I was able to keep working at my desk.  Now when she gets up, I have to prepare the coffee and serve it to her on the sofa.  Yesterday it was no big deal, but I just heard her get up.  I realized that I won't get to hide my feminine outfit behind my desk.  I will soon have to get up and work in the kitchen and serve her.  Just like a desperate feminized slut should be doing.

I like the extra protocol and am yearning for Mistress to clamp down on me and to make my life a bit more difficult.  To make sure I am doing all that is required of me and to hold me accountable, makes me feel owned and safe.

         

Back From A Hiatus

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Mindfuck

mindfuck - mind·fuck: noun
An experience that causes intense and usually disturbing emotion, such as shock, confusion, or fear.

Lately I have been thinking about the mental aspect of what we do.  While a lot of what we do is physical, the brain is where the real action happens.

I have been spending a lot of time recently thinking of all the ways the mind is affected by the activities we participate in.  I believe the definition above can be expanded.  It doesn't have to be "intense" as you can have different degrees of it.  It can also include embarrassment and humiliation.  Here are some of the things I consider to be mindfuck material.

• Dressing up in feminine clothes.  Even though I am getting somewhat used to it, having to pick out an outfit everyday and then wear it for hours at a time definitely messes with my mind.  Thinking about how society in general would react to what I am doing is where my mind spends most of the time thinking about it.  Being dressed in front of Mistress ramps up the mindfuck aspect.

• Wearing perfume.  This has had a much greater effect on me than I expected.  Many mornings I am barely in a mood to be feminine, and within seconds of putting on my perfume, my mind switches.  The smell hits something in my brain and I instantly want to be more feminine.

• Nail polish.  Seeing my toenails painted is just a constant reminder of my place.  Wearing clear polish on my nails is more of a mindfuck as I am afraid someone will notice.  I am also amazed that I can feel the polish.  So it's not only visual, I can feel it too.  I am very aware of my hands when I am talking to others. 

• Chastity.  Having my cock locked is certainly a mindfuck, but it doesn't meet the definition above.  There is no shock, confusion, fear or embarrassment.  I'm not sure what the definition would be in a word or two.  Not being able to access one of the most pleasurable parts on my body and to give that access to another person is a huge mindfuck.  Going about my day to day and having to endure with no end in sight is very much a mindfuck.

• The cage.  Being a grown man, reduced to being locked in a cage is unreal.  The helplessness and boredom are mentally draining. There is simply no denying that I have become a desperate slave to my Mistress.  I realize I am willing to do anything to feel under her control.

• Electricity.  Whether it's the shocking dog collar, the Tazapper, or the TENS unit, I am scared of electricity.  It is easily my biggest fear.  When I watch videos of people playing with cattle prods, I get nervously aroused.  The arousal is from the amount of control being lost, but the fear is very real due to the electricity part of it.  It triggers a fight or flight response in me.

• Public Play.  If electricity is my biggest fear, playing in public is my next biggest fear.  I used to be terrible.  When younger I would go with my ex to a sex shop to buy something D/s related.   I was pretty much in a fight or flight response the entire time.  I was always worried what someone would think of me.  Even going to fetish events, I am sooo out of my comfort zone.  Now to be fair, I spend a good deal of time fantasizing about being dressed in public.  THe thought of being forced to walk across a parking lot, going through a drive through or pumping gas while dressed as a woman is a huge turn on.  In reality I would be so freaked out I don't know how I would respond.  Yes, this is a huge mindfuck.

• Pain.  Taking pain in all of it's many forms is certainly a mindfuck.  Having a safeword and choosing not to use it is on form.  I still think of using my safeword and having it ignored for a period of time.

• Orgasm denial.  When Mistress uses me just for her pleasure has to be one of my favorte mind fucks.  My body and brain thinks I am going to get to cum, and when she tells me she is done with me and I haven't cum, my mind and body revolt a bit.  When Mistress has me tied down and edges me over and over I am overwhelmed with desire.  

• Ruined orgasms.  Even more effective with orgasm denial.  When I'm finally allowed to cum, but Mistress stops just when the ejaculation starts, but the orgasm never quite gets there.  It's maddening.  The plus side is I keep me from having post orgasm drop.

• Mistress talking about including others in our play.  I much prefer the thought of a woman, but when Mistress talks about including a man (with her or me), it truly messes with my mind.  

• Sensory deprivation.  Being blindfolded makes the other senses increase to compensate.  Add the fear factor of not knowing what is going on and you have a good minsfuck to work with.  Add some earphones with white noise and you have taken away another sense.  Being tied up and not only helpless, but blind to what will happen really raises the stakes.

• Cum eating.  It doesn't matter how it's done.  When I have to eat my own cum I really have to dig deep and overcome the disgust I feel for it.  It is a mindfuck every time Mistress makes me do it.  That being said, I constantly dream up ways to make it more disgusting for me.  I'm a bit sick in the head.

• Breath Play.  This is a true mindfuck even if you like it because the brain is directly affected by lack of oxygen.  If breath play is taken far enough, your natural instincts kick in and you will react whether you want to or not.  I like all forms of breath play, but I like a plastic bag over the head the most.  Dragging out the feeling over a longer period of time is so hot to me.  Having the fight or flight response kick in is a huge turn on.

• My favorite mindfuck?  Predicament bondage.  Having to decide between to different painful or difficult situations is pure and total mental abuse.  You have to decide your own fate.  Time is your enemy.  Here are just a few examples.

In closing, while I like the physical aspects of bondage, the real effect is what happens in my submissive little brain.  

Normalizing

Over the years (since I was a kid) I have dabbled with dressing in articles of women's clothing.  Often times I would go several months without wearing anything.  Very rarely would I ever wear something more than a couple times a month.  This excludes panties, which I have at time worn them most every day.  Panties, while feminine, are essentially the same basic design as men's underwear.  Wearing panties can easily be forgotten and ignored.  Over the last 20 years I have acquired a fuller wardrobe, but until recently that didn't mean much.  I still had the same reservations about dressing feminine and would only occasionally dress up and when I did I sexualized it.

Over the last few months, I have been dressed feminine almost every day.  With Mistress pushing my limits I find I am more and more used to being dressed.  I find myself thinking of outfits to wear.  I work hard on trying to dress in a way that a woman would in real life vs a slutty character. I have really enjoyed the smell of the perfume Mistress bought for me.  I look forward to putting on uncomfortable shoes.

Yesterday Mistress and I went out of town for the night.  I asked her to pick out my nighty for the trip.  She told me that she wasn't going to make me wear one and that I could also skip panties.  I was a little disappointed and told her she was too nice sometimes.  She mentioned that by doing this I would be reminded what it's like to not be dressed and being dressed again would have a bigger effect.

When we got home today I wanted to dress right away, but had some work to catch up on.  The second I got a break I went upstairs and dressed in a skirt she mentioned she liked.  I added panites, a blouse and heels.  I was happy to be dressed again.

Even though I am getting used to it, and in some cases yearning for it, I don't see me doing this to myself if Mistress and I weren't together any longer.  It's very much a part of our D/s lifestyle.  I do it because she wants me to and I like not having control over the situation.  It's like chastity.  I have a few devices, but I would very rarely (if ever) wear one of I wasn't required to.

All that being said, I do like being dressed and even locked up, but only because of my amazing Mistress.  I am still amazed that the meaner she is to me, the more devoted I become.

      

Doing Time

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Why would someone ask to be punished?

That is the question that came into my mind in the middle of the night.  I woke up around 1:00 AM and with my now constant state of horniness, I decided to write a post, asking for punishment.  But why on earth would anyone do that?  It's one thing to ask to "play", but it's another to ask for a true punishment, something I will wish didn't happen.

It's been slightly over 4 weeks since our last scene.  While Mistress punished me she also pleasured me.  My punishment was so good that I still have marks from those nasty rubber bands.  After that scene my behavior was top notch.  Since then, I have slacked a bit.  I have gone a few afternoon/evenings without dressing feminine as required.  On our trip I purposely didn't wear my nighty one night.  I have been less than diligent on dressing back into women's clothes within 30 minutes of arriving home.  I have been poor at opening doors for her.  In short, I am due for punishment.  Last week Mistress hinted that I would spend last Sunday or Monday the holiday locked in the cage.  That came and went due to us hanging out as a normal couple as well as my time in a cage takes away from her time with me.  However, having that threat hanging over me has improved my behavior.

So why am I asking to be punished now?  In reality, all men in relationships get punished for doing wrong.  In vanilla relationships it's done by withholding sex, getting the silent treatment, or general passive aggressiveness.  Often times it ends in arguments and animosity and is usually negative.  In a D/s relationship, punishment is straightforward.  I mess up, I get punished, and we move on.  Mistress communicates her feelings, I own up to what I have done wrong and we both have time to process the experience.  Mistress can forgive me since I have paid for my sins.  I feel it brings us closer together.  It certainly resets the tone of our relationship.

That brings me to my current thoughts.  Mistress has an appointment early tomorrow.  I imagined myself getting up early, making sure the morning tasks were complete and then being locked in the cage until after her appointment, or many hours after her appointment.  Since she will be out of the house and to be safe, I would have access to the key.  The key would be locked in the cage using one of my chastity device tamper proof locks.  If an emergency happened, I could cut the plastic lock which would give me access to the steel lock.  This way I would be locked, but safe.  Mistress could monitor me remotely with a camera.

I also thought of her locking me in my straight jacket without any additional restrictions on my movements.  We have door knobs in our house that I could maneuver with my feet or mouth in case of a true emergency and get out.  It would be embarrassing, but safe.  Of course I would be bored and having to reflect on my crimes as I couldn't access the TV or my phone.  I would be helpless, but free to move about.

I contemplated her giving me a list or menial tasks or chores to do as punishment.

I also considered being tied face down and given a thorough painful strapping on my ass.  A quick and decisive punishment that wouldn't take much time at all.

I was also reminded of one Mistress that makes her slave sit in the car without any entertainment during her appointments.  It keeps his mind focused on her.

I could keep going on with my ideas, but that defeats the purpose.  The purpose of this post is to find out why I am asking for punishment.

• First and foremost, it tells me that Mistress is committed to our D/s or Female Led Relationship.  Even though she is hurting me, she is showing me she cares in a way that speaks to my soul.  
• Next, accountability.  I need to be held accountable or I will slide in my duties.  It's not intentional that I slide, I believe it's natural.  Being punished ensures that I am held accountable.
• Confidence.  When Mistress punishes me and I take it well, we both grow.  Mistress can be confident that she owns me and can do with me as she wishes and I can be confident in my submission as her slave.
• Lastly, punishment pushes me past my limits.  I never dreamed I'd be dressed feminine almost 24/7.  Without the fear of real punishment I wouldn't be this far along this path.  Being afraid of the punishment more than the fear of humiliation is a powerful motivator.                              

Whether or not I will be punished any time soon is a mystery to me.  I just needed to write down my thoughts on it.

Thoughts While Feminzed

For the last 3 or so months, Mistress has had me dressed feminine as much as possible.  Because it is nearly 24/7 that I am wearing something feminine I have a ton of thoughts that go through my mind all day long.  Here is a synopsis of one of my days.

I sleep in a nighty every night and have been for over a year.  I am also one that tosses and turns quite a bit as I like to flip from sleeping on my right and left sides.  I frequently wake up while doing this and without fail I realize I am a submissive man sleeping in a nighty.  I'm more or less used to it physically but mentally it still makes me swoon a bit.

When I get out of bed, I could take off my nighty immediately, but instead I choose to prolong my feminization, so I stay in my nighty for a few more minutes.  I go to the bathroom first thing.  My cock is pierced, so I sit to pee when I am at home.  It's much cleaner that way.  I raise my nighty and sit on the toilet and it makes me feel very feminine.  I then stand up and go into the close to weight myself.  as I look down to see what my weight is I am looking down my body and the nighty that is on it.  If my toenails are painted I also get a rush from that view.  I take off my nighty and hang it on the hook in the closet for all to see.

I then go to my vanity and put on some women's deodorant and the new perfume Mistress bought me.  I then head to the spare bedroom with my women's clothes.  Many mornings I have a very shy mindset about getting dressed.  I plan on wearing women's jeans and a t-shirt or something equally mundane.  However, as soon as I spray the perfume on it starts working. By the time I hit the bedroom closet my mind is wanting me to dress more feminine than I had planned.  In short order, the perfume, mixed in with my morning hormones has me picking dresses and skirts instead of jeans.  I find myself putting on my highest heels, no matter how uncomfortable they are.  You can pretty much tell how horny I am by what I am wearing.  Some days it's a challenge picking out my outfit and wish that Mistress would occasionally do it for me.  Being told to wear stricter or more elaborate           outfits are a turn on and it's just not something I can do to myself very often.

After getting fully dressed, I then head downstairs.  I am already in my heels and descend the stairs being careful not to trip.  I have a certain sense of helplessness in heels, and more-so the higher they are.  I like that feeling.  I then feed the dog, prepare Mistress' coffee and do some dishes if she's not up yet.  I can see my reflection in our many windows.  Windows that don't have window coverings.  It's weird and exhilarating to see myself this way.  I used to be very paranoid about being seen by a neighbor, but as I have gotten conditioned to being dressed this way, that has mostly gone away.

When I do anything in the kitchen I am very aware of my situation.  I am 4-6 inches taller depending on the shoes I am wearing.  Being a half foot taller in a space that I am used to my normal height is a constant reminder that I am in heels.  In my higher heels I have to focus on my balance as well as not clomping around.  When I put something in the bottom rack of the dishwasher, I have a view of my shoes, feet, and skirt or dress.  It turns me on quite a bit.

If Mistress is up before me I walk into the kitchen with just the right amount of erotic humiliation.  I am embarrassed, but turned on at the same time.  I just want to be used right then and there.  If I am up before her, I am hidden behind my desk, so it has less of an effect.  

On days that I work out, I go into our basement gym and get dressed into my feminine workout clothes including my pink gym shoes.  We have lots of mirrors so I am constantly seeing myself dressed this way.  After working out, I get dressed back into my feminine office clothes.

I spend the rest of my morning getting caught up on work.  As I sit at my desk I can kind of forget my situation.  Having to get up and walk around brings thoughts of my situation flooding back.  My perfume also makes it much harder to forget my predicament as it's constantly filling my nostrils and my brain is constantly aware of just how feminine I feel.

Depending on the day of the week, I may stay like this the rest of the day.  Other days I have to go to work.  On the days I have to go to work, I head upstairs a few hours after waking.  I undress and take a shower.  While the shower gets warm I pick what feminine clothes I have to wear under my male clothes.  I'm a little fuzzy on the rules here but this is what I think they are.  I cannot wear just panties.  If I wear panties I have to wear something on my upper half like a bra, camisole, etc.  If I wear something like stockings or pantyhose on my power half I can skip the upper half.  After picking out my clothes, I take my shower. After drying off I reapply my deodorant and perfume and get dressed.

Depending on what I am wearing I am either barely aware or super aware.  Panties barely phase me.  Bras and garters with stockings are a constant reminder.  Pantyhose are somewhere in between.  This is again where the perfume does it's job.  No matter what I am wearing underneath, the perfume leaks out and fills my head with feminine and submissive feelings.  Thinking my customers can smell my perfume is a mindfuck.  As I go about my day I am constantly aware of my situation.  My bra may be digging into me or the strap could be sliding down my arm.  My stockings or pantyhose might need to be readjusted after walking down the block.  When I go to the bathroom I have to work around my situation.  I also have to send Mistress a pic of my feminine attire so she knows I am wearing it out of the house.  I love the shame I feel when I do it.

When I get done with my day I come home.  I have 30 minutes to change clothes and I am not very good doing it in time.  This is where I fail the most.  If I get home early, I proceed to put on the outfit I was wearing earlier, like I am still at work.  If I get home a bit later I put on something more casual.  If I spent the day at home I try to stay dressed until 5 pm just like a regular work day.  On the days I am home all day, I love getting out of my heels, but at the same time I am so turned on that I just wore them for 8+ hours.  I am a shoe whore.

At night, dressing casual is the most comfortable I feel, but it's also the least feminine and submissive I feel.  I don't know if it's that I hit a low in the testosterone or not.  I actually think that it's my limited amount of casual clothes.  I have one outfit that is my favorite (black workout pants and a pink pullover top) but I can't wear that every day.  I keep fantasizing about wearing leggings or yoga pants and super feminine tops that are warm and comfy.  Something that makes me feel like a young woman at a slumber party.

At bedtime I get ready for bed.  My perfume has mostly worn off so I can't really smell it.  I put on my nighty just before crawling into bed.  This used to be so difficult for me due to the shame factor, but I am so conditioned now, I pretty much do it without thinking.  I try to mix up what I wear to bed.  I have 3 nighty's that are so comfortable I can forget I am wearing them until I feel a shoulder strap.  I have one that is tight but still comfortable.  I think it's Mistress favorite.  I have 2 with padded cups that make me very aware.  The last one I wear only when Mistress makes me has padded cups and is very sheer and humiliating.  It's something out of the eighties and when I wake up in it, erotic shame comes over me.  I love/hate it.      

So that is more or less the feelings I go through every day.  I am becoming much more comfortable with Mistress' requirements.  Even though I am becoming more comfortable I am also insecure.  Does Mistress really like seeing me this way?  Does it do something for her?  She assures me that it does, but that doesn't stop the occasional doubting.  Both my comfort and my insecurity makes me fantasize about additional rules, requirements and restrictions.  I sometimes feel I have a little too much latitude in what I wear, especially underneath my outfits.    

In closing, I love the restriction and helplessness I feel in my heels.  I shudder when I go to the bathroom.  I raise my skirt, and lower my panites and sit on the seat.  My knees are 4-6 inches higher than normal and I feel like such a slut.  My perfume is a constant reminder of my femininity.  Thinking I am Mistress girlfriend or slutty slave gets me so hot.  Even though I have some insecurities, I love feeling controlled the way I do nearly 24/7.       

Staying Submissive

It's been a couple weeks since my last post.  Last week Mistress and I went on vacation.  We had a great time but as the week wore on, and since our return, I have had a hard time staying in a submissive frame of mind.  My plans to wear panties every day changed as the heat and humidity made it less than desirable.  I spent most of the week in my male underwear.  I started out the week waking up in the morning and then going into the sitting room of our hotel in my nighty until Mistress got up.  Later in the week I was sick for a couple days.  I managed to wear my nighty until I got sick when Mistress gave me a reprieve for one night so I could focus on getting better.  The next night I purposely didn't wear a nighty as I was having a hard time staying in a submissive frame of mind.  The following morning Mistress called me on it.  As we were on vacation she didn't feel she could punish me at the time.  I feel fortunate that I didn't get punished at the time but I imagine there will be some payback coming soon enough.  I deserve it for sure.  My last couple nights I wore the nighty again as I didn't want to risk additional punishment.

On vacation we managed to have sex at least a few times.  Enough times that I forget how many times we did have sex.  I do remember being allowed to orgasm on the 31st.  What a way to end the year.  I also remember not being allowed to orgasm on the 1st, which I thought was a perfect start to the new year.  I was allowed a couple more orgams over the week which may be why I lost my submissive edge.  Too many orgasms.

This week we are back to our normal routines at home and work.  After over a week of not having to dress in women's clothes, I have had a hard time getting back into it.  I have slowly been ramping back up to where I was before we left.  Monday I was in capri jeans and a casual shirt with no shoes.  Tuesday a jean skirt, sweater and boots.  Yesterday, yoga pants and a pink pullover.  Finally, this morning I was ramped up and horny enough to dress much more feminine.  I am in a animal print blouse, black bra, black pencil skirt and my highest heels that I can walk in.  It's amazing how the more obviously feminine I dress, the more submissive I feel.  I am in quite the mood this morning.

This week is also the first time I have had to wear my new perfume to work.  Since Mistress bought it for me I have worn it every day.  It definitely has had an effect on me and I have grown to desire the scent.  It triggers my brain way more than I expected.  Wearing perfume at work is a new dynamic.  I am very, very aware of it.  It seems stronger than normal even though I am wearing the same amount.  It is definitely a mind fuck.  In my mind everyone knows I am wearing it and it's very feminine.  In reality, it's probably not as strong as I think it is and it's more unisex than I think it is.

In closing, it's good to be back.  Being in this state of mind is certainly my happy place.  While I can go quite a while as a much more dominant male, I am not as happy as I am as when I am submitting to my Mistress and her desire to see me feminized.  I love being under her control!                  

Thoughts on punishment and deeper control

Along with the holidays, we have had family over as well as a lot of "life" stuff going on.  I haven't been dressed feminine as much nor have I been in chastity.  Even though life has prevented me from being dressed as much as usual, I still have had a few opportunities to be dressed.  The nice thing is when I am out of chastity my wardrobe options expand greatly.  I can wear pants and panties that are too tight when I am locked up.  The bad thing is I am not thinking about my cock 24/7, but but my has had a chance to recover from the device.

One of the side effects of me not being able to dress as much is that I have cheated a bit.  Out of sight out of mind I guess.  There was one afternoon that turned into night that I didn't change when I got home.  As well as last night we were out and about and I was wearing nothing feminine under my clothes.  Mistress has been great about calling me out on this.  In my mind I can generate reasons why I should be exempt, but they are BS reasons.  I have agreed to certain rules and I haven't followed through.  In reality I want to be called out and dealt with appropriately.  Without a doubt I would be an absolute hard ass about the rules if the tables were turned and I was the dominant one.

Last week I was reading one of the blogs that I reference occasionally on this blog.  As I try to understand my mindset, what makes me tick, and how to convert this to a successful D/s relationship I look to other sources.  Sometimes I read something and it's interesting.  But when I find myself thinking about it several times for days, I realize it's something more.  The below quote is one of those things.  

So: A true submissive needs to feel they are helplessly under the control of a sadistic dominant. That they have zero power or influence. That is achieved by two things.

(A) Punishments for infractions have to be truly feared by the sub. This is achieved by not stopping the punishment until the sub is and has been truly begging with all their heart for a few minutes for the punishment to stop. My lifestyle did not click into place until I started doing this 6 or 7 years ago. It is easy to judge when the begging has reached the truly heartfelt, and then you keep going for a while. You will not break or damage him. During the punishment, he will be begging and attempting to have you stop. After it, he will be in awe of you and want to worship you. Bind him so he cannot move, gag him and then apply the punishment. It may only need to be six HARD cane strokes, if he is begging with all his heart after the first. If he has marks on his butt for the rest of the day, he will love that. If the marks last 3 days, he will love it even more.

(B) The true submissive has to undergo things they really do not like. By this, it is reinforced that they have zero power or influence, that they are helplessly under the control of a sadistic dominant.  

A follow up quote to a commenter...

If you love your submissive and you wish to be kind to your submissive and have him sleep the most sound and contented sleep they can ever know, then the saying -‘you have to be cruel to be kind’, is the mantra by which you must live.  The deeply submissive male is a paradox. They need to feel helplessly controlled by another person...  So real love and kindness for a true submissive does not mean going easy on them in any way, or being fair with them – that causes discontent and unhappiness and is not being kind.

Here is a question by a reader and an answer by a random woman (not the author of the blog).

Question:

J.W. says:  I love my Wife with all my heart. However, most of the time I am more of the Alpha. Like all of us, she has her tribulations, and I have to be there to help her. That is what life is about IMHO. On the other hand. At the same time, I so crave to be dominated. And yet I wonder if I’m truly a submissive, because I find that I only like to be dominated during sexual activity.

Reply:

Mila W. says:  J.W., perhaps I can shed some light on your predicament as I went through a similar stage with my husband. He always claimed to want to be submissive, to be punished and submit to my will. Yet I soon learned that he only wanted to be punished on his own terms and only for his own sexual gratification. After he would orgasm, he would revert to his former self. He would disobey a rule and claim to be willing to accept whatever punishment I had in mind. My preferred methods are caning and public humiliation. Early in our relationship, I would tie him down and begin caning. After the first stroke or two, he wanted no part of it, demanding to be released and telling me he had “changed his mind” about his submissiveness. He would go so far as to threaten to leave me as he stated I couldn’t love him if I could hurt him like that. I would always stop and the cycle would repeat itself, over and over. 

I’m not naturally dominant – or at least I thought I wasn’t – and I became frustrated, overwhelmed even, as I didn’t know what to do to break the cycle. And then I found Mistress Scarlet and this blog and it was as if the seas parted. I finally understood that no man whether “truly submissive” or not could be broken or controlled unless pushed beyond his limits. As Mistress Scarlet continuously reinforces on these pages, punishment cannot be fun. If I only played at punishment as he preferred, I was only reinforcing his belief system and perpetuating the cycle. I will never forget the first time I pushed through his limits as well as my own. 3 strokes became 5, which became 10 and then 50. He screamed and swore and threatened and cried. After the caning, I asked him if he understood that things had changed and that I would no longer be bullied and that I would be firmly in control. He agreed as I had hoped but had been dreadfully afraid he wouldn’t. I told him to lay there and really think about it. 

Several hours later I asked if he would accept his new role and any punishment I might decide on. Again, he agreed and asked if he could be untied. No, I told him and warned him not to ask again. I went to bed and in the morning asked if he was ready to begin his new life. He started crying and told me that he had been waiting for this since we first met and, yes, he was ready. Good, I told him and took out the cane once again. I gave him 50 more lashes and this time there were no words, no threats – only tears. 

That was just over a year ago and I have implemented more of Mistress Scarlet's philosophies into our relationship which is now better than ever. He no longer asks to be submissive and to be punished. He just is. Thank you, Mistress Scarlet.

None of the above is meant to be pushy.  In fact the level they are talking about scares the crap out of me.  At the same time, it speaks to me.   I believe that is where so much of my internal conflict comes from.  Wanting harsher treatment but pushing back when I get it.  Until now, I've never understood or have been able to put these thoughts into words.  Finding another's words makes it easy to explain what goes on in my mind.  We shall see where this heads.  

Source: https://msscarletuk.wordpress.com/advice/

Thursday night date night

Mistress and I had our date night on Thursday night.  While Mistress was getting ready, I prepared the bed.  I pulled out the straps we keep hidden under the mattress and placed some towels on the bed.  I pulled out the toys we use the most and put them on the dresser next to the bed.  Mistress let me out of chastity before I showered and so that I could clean myself well and stay clean until later.  I put on one squirt of my new perfume, and some fishnet suspender hose before getting dressed in my male clothes.

We went to a happy hour and had a few appetizers and cocktails.  On our way home Mistress told me what I was to do when we got home.  I was to light the candles we have in the room and put on some music.  Then I had to put restraints on my wrists and ankles and strip down so that I was only wearing the fishnet hose. I was to put 3 large rubber bands around each thigh, blindfold myself and then tie down my three limbs.

Once I was secured to the bed Mistress entered the room.  The started by going around the bed and tightening the 3 limbs that were already secured.  Then she went to my free arm, clicked a clip onto the restraint and tightened that limb down.  I was held down tightly and my cock was rising just from the bondage.  Mistress then left the room to change clothes or remove clothes, I don't know since I couldn't see.  The rest of what happened is kind of a blur so I don't necessarily remember the order of events.

Essentially Mistress alternated putting generous amounts of lube on my cock before stroking me to an edge.  She would hit my inner thighs with several implements from a rubber stick the width of my finger to a flexible metal rod that you snap against the skin.  It's so thin and light that it hurts like hell and leaves a heck of a mark.  Mistress would also use these implements on my balls.  Mistress put clothespins on my nipples for a good 15 minutes and when she took them off she rrubed the blood back into them causing a rush of pain.  By far the worse thing Mistress did was snap those rubber bands against my inner thighs.  It's crazy to think 20 cents of rubber bands are the implement I fear the most.

At one point I asked Mistress to please put a clothespin back on my nipple(s).  That set her off.  After that I got about 3 minutes of constant smacking with what I believe to be a riding crop.  She smacked my cock, balls and inner thighs non-stop while scolding me for being a pushy bottom.  She told me that my blog posts have been too pushy, and that she was not here to fill my wish list, and that I needed to focus less on things I want her to do to me.  After that, Mistress took a pair of panties that old cum stains in them.  She poured some water into them and shoved them into my mouth so she didn't have to hear about what I wanted any longer.  I could have easily pushed the panties out of my mouth, but after what I just endured I chose to leave them in.  

So Mistress did an amazing job of stroking my cock and right as I got to the edge and told her I was about to cum, she would snap a rubber band or hit me in the balls or smack me with something else.  It was back and forth, and I would go from amazing pleasure to excruciating pain.  I wanted the pain to stop, but the pleasure was so good that I more than willing to endure the pain to keep the teasing going.

After about 45 minutes, Mistress decided it was her turn, so she unclipped my limbs so I could fuck her.  She had me rinse out my mouth and come back to bed.  When I got back to the bed I tried to go down on her, but she refused me that pleasure.  I easily put my cock in Mistress but before I could give her an orgasm I had to stop so I wouldn't cum without permission.  Mistress' expert teasing session had me perilously close to cumming.  Mistress had me pull out so I could use my fingers to make her cum which she did quite easily once my finger rubbed across her G-spot.  As soon as she would cum she would have me put my cock inside her.

As we did this, we talked.  I told Mistress that I was surprised how much I am liking being dressed up around her.  I confessed that I was enjoying it much more than I thought I would.  I told her that for the first time in my life I could see myself doing this long term.  She told me that she really likes me dressed and that she is planning on pushing me much further.  She really likes how submissive I have become.  When I am dressed up, I am less snarky, I have less male ego and machismo.  I am more open to obeying.  I don't really remember all the details but what I walked away with was that now that we are down this path, there is no turning back.  I will continue to be more and more feminized.  I will be more and more controlled.  Chastity is likely to be full time.  Not because she doesn't trust me, but because of the control it gives her and takes away from me.

As we talked, Mistress continued to have me alternate between fucking her with my cock and making me cum with her fingers.  She asked me if I wanted to cum, and I assured her I didn't.  She told me that if I did, I would be locked up in chastity first thing in the morning.  I asked what if I didn't cum and she said, "same thing", so I was in a lose/lose situation.  Mistress did assure me that she liked me to orgasm enough so that I remember how good it feels.  I entered Mistress again and she talked about how she was going to cum all over my cock.  I asked for permission to cum and she gave it to me.  I quickly filled her with my cum while I gave her another orgasm.  I mumbled about how she just won, making me so desperate that I couldn't stop myself.  Even though I just came, my cock was still rock hard (thanks pharmaceutical industry!) so I continued to fuck Mistress.  I had no fear of prgasming again.  Mistress kept cumming and I kept pushing my cock inside of her.  After a few minutes I couldn't go anymore.  Mistress let me catch my breath before she told to do me what I hoped she wouldn't .  She told me to lick my cum out of her pussy.  As I put my face between her legs to eat my own cum, I felt so owned.  I would do anything to be treated this was.  My shame and disgust were quickly overcum by feelings of arousal and submissiveness.  After I gave Mistress one more orgasm, she said she was done with me.  I cleaned up the toys and the bedroom so we could finish our evening relaxing.

Yesterday I spent the day replaying Thursday nights events in my head.  While our scene was intense and exciting, it was the communication that I was most excited about.  The fact that Mistress isn't only indulging my feminization, but that she is going to push me deeper and deeper.  To think that something I used to do a few times a year in a sexual context will now be a near full time part of my life, scares and excites me.  Seeing Mistress become more and more confident about controlling me, hurting me and punishing me is a dream come true.  I have spent almost 30 years of my adult life chasing this need of being controlled.  I have had brushes with it in the past, but this is the most hopeful I have ever been.  I think we will succeed this time because I have gotten out of my own head.  I am devoted to Mistress and the process of her owning me.  I will do my best to not pull back when things get intense and I believe Mistress will push me forward if I do try to pull back.  Things are looking great.

Here is the aftermath of my beating.  The bright red lines are from the rubber bands and the bruising from the large rubber stick.  I love wearing the marks she gives me!!!