Ordeal in the cage

Shortly after finishing yesterday's blog post Mistress came downstairs around 7:30 am.  I made her coffee and she asked me what time the store opened.  I told her 10 am.  She said it was time for me to be caged and for me to get ready.

I went upstairs and inserted my butt plug.  I came back down stairs and then headed to the basement.  Mistress was to follow.  I grabbed the straight jacket from the toy closet under the stairs and headed into the room that had the cage.  I undressed.  As I was removing my bra and inserts I was wondering how they would feel under the straight jacket.  I sat on the floor and put on my 8-inch ballet heels.  They lace and have an ankle strap.  I put my feet through the loops that go between the legs to keep the jacket from being raised.  Once I was in, I arranged those straps against the butt plug and proceeded to put my arms in the jacket.  Mistress buckled the main straps and left the arm straps undone so I could climb in the cage.  Once in the cage she pulled the arm straps crossing my arms in front of me and tightly buckled it down.  I was left kneeling in the cage when Mistress latched it behind me.  She agreed that she didn't need to lock it as I was completely helpless.  She very unceremoniously turned of the lights and left the room. 

I sat on my knees for a few minutes until I realized I needed a more comfortable position.  I put my head on the ground and rolled onto my side with a thud.  After much more struggling I was able to get on my back.  I was stuck.  I spent close to the next 2 hours trying to find comfortable positions.  Once I found a relatively comfortable position it was only comfortable for about 10 minutes before pressure points would start hurting.  I also had to avoin laying my head on the bars of the cage.  I knew they went put impressions on my skull and we had to run errands when I got released. 

I repeated a phrase out loud several times about not talking back or talking down to Mistress.  I imagined having to repeat it for the entire time I was in the cage out loud.  We had a baby monitor outside of the cage so Mistress could easily require some such rule in the future.  I also tried to take a nap.  My mind was racing too much for that to happen.  I imagined putting the baby monitor on top of the cage with a rule that I am not allowed to shut my eyes. 

I also had many, many fantasies.  In the spirit of keeping from being a pushy bottom, I will generalize them here and not go into detail.  I fantasized about how to make the cage time even more uncomfortable or miserable.  I thought about Mistress making be do or say things things before I was released.  I also though about non-cage related things.  The longer I was in the cage, the darker and more depraved my thoughts became. 

At one point I was able to wiggle and shift my arms low enough to grab the the lock on my chastity device.  I was able to push and pull on the lock enough to get some friction on my cock.  I wondered if Mistress was seeing me do this through the baby monitor and whether I should stop or not.  After 60 seconds or so, my cock got hard enough that the friction stopped and my hand was cramping at the same time due to how hard I had to struggle to do this.  That experiment was fruitless.

The butt plug.  Wow.  The straps that go between the legs really pushed up against the butt plug.  Every time I moved to find a more comfortable position, the butt plug was reminding me of my situation.  It was pressed so tightly that even breathing made me feel it in my ass.  When I would sigh, the plugged pressed even further.  It was pressed so tightly inside me that when I would try to flex my sphincter it didn't move.   My ass felt thoroughly used by the time I was released. 

I have been locked in the cage 3 or 4 times before this.  This time was the worst by far.  It's the first time that the time in the cage seemed to be more than the actual time.  Mistress let me out 5-10 minutes early of the 2 hour mark and I was thinking she left me in for 30-60 minutes longer.  This was by far the most helpless I have ever felt.  She could have just as easily left me on the floor and I would have been just as helpless.  The cage just made it hurt more.  I have come to the realization that the cage is not something to joke about.  Just because she hasn't 'broken' me with the cage yet, doesn't mean she can't.  I don't think I want to try.

When she finally did release me I was in complete drunken subspace.  I could barely move to assist my own release.  Mistress had to take off the ballet shoes and come partially in the cage to release my arms so that I could get out.  She left the room as unemotionally as she started my ordeal.

Looking back on it this experience was very hot to me.  Not in a sexual way.  The cage sucked.  There was no intimacy with it.  There was no emotion with it.  It was a punishment and nothing more or less.  It was not erotic although I tried to make it that way.  It was detached.  The reason it was hot was because Mistress controlled me completely.  She was cruel.  She was emotionless.  She didn't give the appearance to care how I did with it.  The realization that she could be cruel or crueler to me is what made it hot.

The rest of the day was uneventful as far as D/s is concerned, although I was certainly worked up as much as I ever have been.

This morning Mistress and I snuggled a bit.  I was tracing my fingers on Mistress legs and butt.  I was about to get out of bed and Mistress reached out with her foot.  I stayed in bed for a bit longer.  I continued to trace my fingers along her legs, ankles and feet.  I would trace along her leg where it meets her ass.  I traced her hip area and her stomach.  I traced her arms and neck.  I purposely avoided sexual areas for quite some time.  I teased her chest and she didn't stop me from teasing her breasts and nipples.  I took that as a good sign.  I traced my way back down her body to her pussy.  She let me proceed.  I rubbed her clit for a bit.  Mistress generally doesn't let me rub her clit long as she enjoys penetration much more.  Because of this I teases the opening to Mistress' pussy.  She was nicely wet. I teased her some more and the I inserted my finger a bit more.  Mistress commanded me back to her clit, I was surprised.  I re-positioned myself on my knees and continued to rub her clit.  I nuzzled my face against her neck.  Mistress reached over and rubbed my balls.  She commented on how full they were.  I assured her that it was her cruelty that was keeping me so aroused.  In very quick order Mistress came and she stopped me.  I tried force myself on her until she made it clear I was crossing a line.  I backed off to avoid cage time.  I imagined this becoming a daily ritual.  Waking Mistress up at a set time with my fingers and if she allows with an orgasm for her.  If I am out of bed already, a text message summoning me for her morning pleasure or to deliver coffee to her upstairs. 

Mistress told me to get dressed and make her coffee.  I asked what I should wear today as it was a home office kind of day.  She said "whatever you want".  I asked for clarification and she said I didn't have to dress feminine.  I was bummed, but decided I could still dress feminine today since it was my choice.  I couldn't dress that way right away or I wouldn't have time to make Mistress' coffee so I ran downstairs my nighty to make her coffee. 

I then went upstairs to get dressed.  I sprayed on my perfume.  I went to my panty drawer and picked out a pair of panties.  I then went to my feminine closet.  I picked out a red dress but decided against it as I didn't want bra straps showing.  I put it back and grabbed a black and white dress to wear.  As I picked up a bra to wear, I got insecure.  I can't get dressed up if Mistress doesn't want me to.  Mistress has gotten me over 99% of my macho insecurity, but apparently I still need a bit of encouragement or even better, coercion.  I put the bra back down, took off my panties and instead put on some male casual clothes.

In closing, the cage was miserable, but at the same time I was in heaven. Heaven because Mistress owned me and controlled me 100% at that time.  I was completely helpless, at her mercy and wanting to serve her even more.  That's the way it should be.                     

Appreciating Things

The last few days have been interesting.  With me taking the focus off of my wants and needs and just focusing on the moment I have a new appreciation for slowing things down a bit.  One of my downfalls is that when Mistress steps up the D/s, I get excited and try to step it up even further.  This just creates stress and resentment for her.  For me I see her pull back and try even harder.  It doesn't work well.

Now that I have recognized it and have a plan to handle it, I am in a much better place and I think Mistress is too.  Appreciating how Mistress is now treating me and taking time to fully embrace my current situation is a welcome lesson. Since my goal is to now live in the moment, and to let Mistress lead me down the path she wants me to follow I have some inner peace.

Today is a perfect example.  I could certainly be writing about some of the dirtier thoughts I have been having.  I could be posting pictures of more and more extreme D/s activities, but then the experience isn't shared.  Instead of projecting ahead, I intend on writing about the current.  Here is my current.

This morning I woke up too early.  I tried to go back to sleep, but work stress and horniness kept me from doing so.  Instead of tossing and turning a couple hours I decided to get up, do a little work and make this blog post.  As I got up, I went to the bathroom.  For new readers of this blog, I am required to sleep in a nighty every night.  I don't take off my nighty until I have gone to the bathroom and weigh myself.  I am also pierced which means I have to sit and pee in all places that don't have urinals.  I am also currently locked in a chastity device that forces me to sit every time I need to pee.  There is something deliciously naughty about me having to pee sitting down while wearing a nighty.  After I weighed myself I put on my required squirt of perfume.  The perfume quickly hit my brain and instead of waiting until tonight to do my 2 hour daily butt plug assignment I decided to do it immediately.  I inserted the plug while bent over the bathtub looking down at my pink painted toenails.  It's getting easier to put in.  I felt like such a slut.

I proceeded into the extra bedroom where my feminine clothes are.  I put on a pair of panties, my bra on as tight as possible. I put in my silicone inserts and selected a little black dress.  I then put on my platform heels.  I tried to think of something else I could add to my wardrobe that would be an extra reminder of my situation.

So here I sit.  I'm in my office chair.  My ass is plugged for 2 hours for the second time in the last 12 hours.  My hole is a bit sore, but in a good way.  I can flex my sphincter and feel a sensation.  My cock is locked away.  My current lock up is a week with no end in sight.  I don't like wearing a device, it's a pain.  However I do love having access to my cock taken away from me 100% and wearing a device is an acceptable trade off for the experience.  My feet are a bit uncomfortable in my heels, but I like how the heels feel and how they make my legs look. Any discomfort is well worth it. I wish I could wear heels all the time.  My attire.  My little black dress makes me feel sexy and humiliated at the same time.  My bra and inserts are also a huge turn on for me right now.  As I type, my arms are rubbing against my extra large breasts.  I have an appreciation for the challenges breasts create, especially large ones.  So in my current state of mind, the challenges of a butt plug, chastity, heels, large breasts in a tight bra are exactly the kinds of things I love to endure.  The more challenging the better.

In closing, slowing down and enjoying my current situation is very rewarding.  I feel my attitude changing from wanting and needing to appreciating and wishing to please and serve my Mistress.  I am here to do as she wishes and to just enjoy the experience.  It's better for my submissive soul.

                   

Catching Up

My most recent post had me wondering f I was pushing too much for Mistress to dominate me.  It was a good post as it confirmed my suspicions and we got to talk about it.  This discussion was perfectly timed as we were about to head off on a vacation and it allowed us to reset a bit.

On our vacation we were so busy touring that we didn't have much time for intimacy.  We did have one hot night of sex that had a tone of D/s to it.  Mistress had me fuck her and use my fingers on her to make her cum.  She kept teasing, asking me if I wanted to cum.  I know she didn't want my post orgasm attitude and nether did I so I resisted as much as possible.  We did have some D/s banter going on.  Mistress mentioned how she would like me to cum more often, but wanted me aroused as quickly as possible to avoid the negative effects of me cumming.  I told her that 24/7 chastity as well as teasing and denial would certainly do the trick.  I think we also discussed me moving the cage into the spare bedroom, but that memory is a bit fuzzy.  I kept edging myself with Mistress' pussy and when I'd get close she would have me  pull out and use my fingers to make her cum.   Mistress kept teasing me about it in a way that I thought she was going to let me cum.  I started to thrust as to get myself even closer to the edge and I asked permission to cum.  She told me 'no' and if any spurted out I would be cleaning it up with my tongue.  It was too late.  I stopped before I could orgasm but a huge glob of cum had escaped from my cock.  Mistress felt it and told me to clean it up with my mouth.  I pulled my cock out and much to my dismay was a large white glistening glob of cum a bit more than a tablespoon.  It was a surprising amount of cum given that I did not orgasm.  The last thing I wanted to do right then was lick it up, but it had been over a week since Mistress did anything Domme'y and I was dying to prove that I would be her submissive on her terms.  After I cleaned up, I gave Mistress another orgasm and she was done with me at that point.

We finished our holiday without any mention of anything else D's related and we had an amazing trip.  On the flight back Mistress announced that she started her period.  She didn't mention me going into chastity so I took a day to think about whether or not I should be locking myself up as per our previous agreement or not.  The next morning I did lock myself back up.  I left the keys on the counter with a note asking her to hide the keys if she did want me locked up and to put the keys on my vanity if I was being too pushy and she didn't want me locked.  When I got home the keys were nowhere to be found.  Yay!

Since we got back there is been a combination of me feeling insecure in my submission as well as I wanted Mistress to lead me on her terms.  I didn't dress feminine all week and I resisted my perfume and such for the most part.  The perfume has such a powerful effect on me that I knew if I wore it I would be dressing feminine without her telling me to.  Mistress did have me plug myself one night and I really enjoyed the spontaneity of the order. 

Last night Mistress told me that she was going to start ruling over me again.  I get the feeling she is ready to test my limits.  She keeps talking about me sleeping n the cage.  I am to be plugged 2 hours a day, indefinitely as far as I know.  I am to have my toenails painted again.  I am to wear my nighties every night and I am to dress feminine every morning.  I casually mentioned the whole internet meme of Locktober.  She said I didn't have to worry about Locktober as I wasn't going to be unlocked anytime soon.  Hot! 

It didn't really hit me last night but when I woke up this morning I counted my blessings that Mistress is willing to enforce her will over me.  My morning libido was hagh based on Mistress comments last night.  I woke up and put on my perfume.  It's as powerful as I remember it.  I the plugged my ass.  I grabbed the nail polish and then went to the spare bedroom to pick out my feminine outfit for the morning.

In closing I am very excited to have Mistress bossing me around again.  I want everything to be on her terms and if I get pushy for her to nip in in the bud.  I want to thank Mistress for keeping me locked up, plugged, feminized and held accountable.  Mistress owns me and I pledge to obey her completely. 

   

Follow up - Checklist and Punishment

So I believe that Mistress has embraced the checklist I created.  She apparently has worked on some changes including some work related tasks to reduce my work stress.  I am still waiting to see what changes she has made and how she intends to implement it as well as how the punishments will be handled.

We did banter about it a bit last night.  I got the feeling that instant correction is not on her list.  I understand that.  I think a blend of instant correction (for serious infractions) and accumulated correction (for less serious or for training purposes) is ideal, but this is her decision.  In fact, that's what I like about it.  I gave her a blue print and she can choose to use it or not.  I am truly at her mercy and that's how I want it to be.

That being said I will continue to communicate my thoughts on the checklist and what I hope we can both gain from using it.

  There are certain tasks and requirements that I want to be 'set in stone'.  Those are the No Tolerance items and the Infractions section of the checklist.  In my mind the entire No Tolerance list should be marked with a Y or a W (for waived).  If even one item's box is blank on that day I have earned some degree of punishment.  These items are things that I believe are the bare minimum of things I must do.  A couple of them are meant to challenge me, such as PM femininity and keeping my toenail polish updated.  I have a real challenge coming home from the office early and getting dressed in feminine attire.  My libido is less in the afternoon so I have a hard time coming to terms with doing it even though deep down I want to.  That's the reason I put it on the list.  I hope Mistress keeps it on the list and enforces it.  As for the toenail polish, that's meant to be a nit-picky requirement.  I have been known to let my polish get ugly.  By having it on the list I have made it a priority for me to maintain it and Mistress to monitor compliance before it gets ugly.

The infraction section would work the same way.  If there is ever a Y in one of these boxes, I have earned a correction.  Technically these are No Tolerance items as well, but they are items that should not occur.

Lastly the "Optional Task" section.   I can easily see some items shifting to or from each section based on Mistress' desires, this was just a template.  I created this section to give more of a 'points' approach to the list.  Also many of these would depend on the type of day we had so I believe some flexibility was preferable.  In reality this list could be added to the No Tolerance section.  Mistress could require every single item on it to be done daily.  That would certainly make me take notice.  I would certainly feel more slave like if I couldn't choose to not do some of these items.        

Here is how I imagine this playing out on a day-to day basis.  Mistress will be the only one allowed to fill out the list.  I can even imagine of a few inspection periods throughout the day to ensure compliance.  I imagine the erotic humiliation of having to display my perfume, panties, butt plug, collar and toenails so those items can be checked off.  I imagine Mistress assigning a protocol.  Something as simple as kneeling and kissing each foot.  It would only take 10 seconds but it would set a tone for the day.  During the day, Mistress would complete the list as she saw fit.  Before bed, Mistress would complete the list and maybe that would be the bedtime protocol.  I would kneel at her feet while she completed the list.

As I wrote the previous few paragraphs something new came to mind.  Maybe the "Optional Tasks" section is the pleasure section while the other 2 sections are the obedience and punishment section.  While the other 2 sections have a punishment aspect to them and therefore my desire to have no leniency for them, the Optional Section could have a reward.  One carrot section and two stick sections.  I would have to earn a certain number of points per day/week/month to be rewarded with a bondage session that I like.  I imagine punishment sessions happening more or less weekly and reward sessions happening bi-weekly, monthly or when I have earned enough points.

In closing I want to let Mistress know that I am looking forward to this experiment.  I want Mistress to know that I am 100% bought into this and will do my best.  I will be challenged and will have to deal with some insecurities but I want Mistress to have the utmost confidence that this is what I really, really want.  For lack of a better term, I am begging that monitoring and enforcement will be very strict and punishments very real and very severe.  I don't know if I can cry, but that is the type punishment I expect to endure.  The fear I have felt over the last couple of sessions have made me melt with a desire to serve.  Additionally I want this to work for Mistress.  I want her to feel like I am providing true service to her.  None of this matters if her needs are not being met and if the reward for her is not worth her effort.  If anything needs to be changed, added or dropped to make Mistress happy than I am all for it.  She is my Goddess!

          

   

Checklist and Punishment

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Uh-Oh

Mistress appears to have taken my recent blog postings to heart.  Yesterday afternoon, we had another intense scene.

I went upstairs and get things ready.  I puled the bondage straps out from under the bed.  I put my wrist and ankle restraints on.  I pulled out several toys and striking implements so Mistress could decide what she wanted to use.  I put towels on the bed, put some music on and dimmed the lights.  I laid on the bed, blindfolded myself and tied 3 of my limbs to the bed straps.

Mistress came in the room.  She restrained my 4th limb and tightened the straps down TIGHT.  Mistress put 8-10 clothespins on my scrotum as well as clover nipple clamps on my nipples.  I had recently added the clover clamps to the toy drawer as the clothespins are not intense enough for me. Mistress stroked my cock while lecturing me about my recent attitude.  She continued lecturing me and telling me how things were going to go from now on as she pulled the clothespins off of my scrotum causing me to gasp.

Mistress added rubber bands to my upper thighs and proceeded to snap them.  Out of all the implements we have used so far, these leave the best marks.  I was fortunate that Mistress put 3-4 bands together.  Combined, the pain they created was less sharp than a single band.

Mistress would hit the insides of my thighs and when the pain got too much she would stroke my cock to bring me back to my desperate horny state.

I lost track of time as Mistress continued to alternate between torture and pleasure.  Mistress told me how she intends on taking me to a local drag queen event.  First to observe, with the goal of taking me out in public the next time we go.  The thought scares me to death but also excites me.  At some point I will end up being fully feminized in public.  

Mistress also talked about putting me on a points system.  The more I serve her, the quicker I get to have scenes I enjoy.  Mistress also told me that she was going to start holding me much more accountable and enforce punishments much, much quicker.  I assured her that I want to be held to the highest standard and am willing to pay dearly for not serving her well.  I need to be doing more around the house.  To me this means I need to be doing chores while Mistress relaxes on the couch.  I would like there to be a 'honey-do' list every day.  I would like Mistress to remember that I am wired differently.  Having a list of tasks and being held accountable to complete it would really reinforce our D/s dynamic. There will be some challenges and push back from me, as she pushes me harder, but we both know I will be more fulfilled the more totally I am controlled.

At one point Mistress climbed on my face with her facing my feet.  She planted her pussy on my mouth.  I licked her as furiously as I could.  I tried to reach her asshole with my tongue.  I probably went about this the wrong way.  My intention was to show her how much I want to orally serve her.  I want to be consumed by her pussy.  I want to earn the privilege to be allowed to put my tongue in her asshole.  What I think I did is I went too fast and it wasn't doing anything for her.  I really do want to casually spend an hour or more between her legs worshiping her pussy.

I believe I almost got fucked in the ass with a strap-on, but I think a wardrobe malfunction occurred so instead of an ass fucking Mistress just put the dildo in my ass.  I kept wishing it was bigger and deeper.   

I am guessing after about 30 minutes, Mistress removed one of the nipple clamps and immediately rubbed the nipple.  OMG!  It was probably the most painful thing she did to me all afternoon.  Which is surprising considering how many times she hit my balls, smacked the rubber bands and hit me hard with implements.  That was until she the took off the second nipple clamp and rubbed my nipple which again was intensely painful.  On a scale of 1-10, my nipples are still sore at a level 1.  I was hoping for a residual pain level of 5-6.   

The longer the scene went on, the more I confessed my total and complete surrender to Mistress.  I confessed that I have totally embraced chastity.  For years I have resisted it unless it was for entertainment purposes, but now I believe it is in my best interest to be locked 24/7 for the rest of my life.  Release should only be for Mistress' pleasure.  I also confessed I have now accepted my feminine side.  I truly believe I am more subservient when I am dressed, perfumed, erotically shamed, etc.  My bad attitude is when my masculine side tries to take over.  I begged Mistress to keep pushing my feminization so that I naturally choose feminine over masculine.  I need encouragement if not outright force in the afternoons and evenings, when my libido is lower, as deep down I want to be dressed.  I just need help getting me over my last bit of resistance.  Lastly I confessed how much I want to kneel at her feet.  I think this act alone is a very powerful one.  Much like a queen asks her subjects to 'bend the knee' to show they serve her, and her alone.  It might feel uncomfortable the first few times, but I would bet a large sum of money that she would get used to it and eventually love the symbolism of me kneeling before her.  I would go into subspace very quickly with just this act alone.  It also a good position to orally pleasure her.

Mistress mounted my cock and rode me.  I really thought she was going to make me cum inside her and them make me clean her out. but she had other ideas.  We are going on a long trip soon.  I tend to get stressed and snarky when we travel and having an orgasm would just increase the chance for me to have a bad attitude.  I was to have no orgasm.  Instead Mistress gave me some instructions for the week.  I am to continue to stay in chastity until we leave and had to lock myself up the second we got done.  I hope she intends to keep me locked until the morning of our trip and not release me the night before.  I truly don't want kindness and mercy.  I am also required to wear my largest butt plug for 2 hours every day until we leave (I am wearing it now).  That being said, I believe I should wear it on the morning of our trip as well.  She also mentioned that we would be having another intense scene as a preventative measure at the end of the week.  That way when I get stressed and snarky she can remind me of what will happen if I don't change my attitude.  I am wishing we have a 'daily lesson' so to speak.  

Mistress managed to edge and beat me until I was a mass of submissive putty.  I don't think there was anything I wouldn't have done at that point.  She owned me.

Before Mistress untied me I asked her if I could add a few tasks to myself that I knew I would regret.  She indulged me.  I asked to wear my bikini in out hot tub.  She told me that I could.  I also asked to wear something slutty the rest of the night and she told me no.  I asked if I could wear pink leggings and a pink camisole and she said I could.

Mistress then untied one of my limbs  She told me to untie myself and that I would now be pleasuring her.  She ran off to the bathroom while I untied myself.  I was in such a state of subspace and pure desire to serve that I untied myself and knelt on the bed awaiting her arrival.  I was still wearing my blindfold and restraints.  Mistress came back from the bathroom and laid on the bed.  She told me to use my fingers inside her.  I begged to be allowed to go down on her first.  She told me 'no'.  I am pretty sure it's because she just went to the bathroom, but I knew that.  I really wanted to lick the remaining drops of piss from her pussy.  I can't think of a more submissive way to express my true desire and devotion than to do such an act.  It is also deep rooted in my brain as it goes back to my very first submissive fantasies I had as a pre-teen.

I obeyed Mistress and started to put my fingers in Mistress and instead she changed her and and told me to fuck her.  I did, much better than I expected but still was on the edge fast.  I then made her cum several times and she squirted quite a bit.  This made me want to grab a glass and catch her juices and drink them up.  She made me fuck her again.  This time I got too close to the edge.  I should have dribbled, but somehow did not.  Mistress was not having any more of that.  She had me make her cum a few more times and then she announced she was done.  I was disappointed as I didn't want this feeling to end.  Ever.

She had me clean up the room and put everything away.  I hate having to clean up after a scene, but being made to do so put me in the right frame of mind.  I am a slave and I don't get to decide what I want to do.  We then went to the hot tub. I was wearing my bikini.  If any of our neighbors were outside paying attention, there could have been 3-4 that could have seen me.  I was in such sub-space that I really didn't care.  I could see that becoming a new requirement.  Sitting in a hot tub in a bikini is way naughtier than being nude.  The feminine reinforcement is powerful.  

The bottom half of my bikini

After the hot tub, I did put on my pink leggings and camisole and made us dinner.  Mistress did a great job of reminding me of my outfit and my position as her slave.  I forgot to wear my butt plug when we got out of the hot tub.  I am fortunate Mistress reminded me as I was able to put it in at bedtime and sleep with it in for a few hours.  If I were her, I would have let me fail so I could have punished me for it.  I'm mean like that.  

At bedtime I thanked Mistress for her abuse.  I also encouraged her to keep at it.  This morning as I write this I am encouraged where this is heading.  I am still in pretty strong sub-space and am willing to do absolutely anything.  Mistress has now had a couple scenes where she has shown an ability to be mean.  I am truly scared of disobeying which is something I can only say a few times not only in this relationship but in my entire life.  I want to live in a certain state of fear because that fear is what will get me through my resistance and disobedience.  Fear will free me.

                 

        

Meaner is better

We have a standing rule that I am to be locked in chastity whenever Mistress has her period.  Mistress started her period on Monday and they tend to last about 5 days.  On Thursday night Mistress came home form happy hour with the girls in a mood that I would call happy and horny, but not too horny.  She was kissing me more than usual, she climbed onto my lap, she playfully spanked me a few times and was generally aggressive.  I liked it.  Mistress asked me if I was a good boy that day.  Since I have been trying to get Mistress to be meaner with me, I told her, no.  She mentioned that it was too bad because she was going to let me out of chastity.  I stated, "you really are having a hard time being meaner to me, aren't you?"  She said, no, she is not.  That was kind of the end of it, and yes, I did stay locked.

Last night at bed time I noticed that the trash can that had been emptied the night before had no tampon packaging in it, which means Mistress' period ended on Thursday.  That's why she was going to let me out.  I said I wasn't a good boy so she is doing a wonderful job of keeping me locked up.

Now I wasn't really a bad boy on Thursday, or any day for that matter.  I am generally pretty good and try hard to keep Mistress happy. However, I can pretend to be bad if that gets Mistress to be meaner to me.  I can confess to things that Mistress doesn't mind, but other women might.  I ogled at a couple of waitresses at the bar.  I used swear words.  I was speeding.  I can certainly be punished for mild bad (made up) deeds as much as major ones.

As we were going to bed last night I told her she needed to have her own mantra.  A way of reinforcing the idea of be meaner to me.  I came up with something.

Meaner is better

Meaner makes my slave happy

Meaner makes my slave obedient

Meaner is the same as nicer in my slave's submissive brain

Meaner makes my slave want to serve me even more

Meaner is better

Last night as I was falling asleep, I imagined all of the mean things Mistress could do to me.  Most guys would run at the thought of being treated this way and I think they would be the most exiting things she could do to me.  A lot of these things would suck to endure, but I know when it was over I would be in a deeper state of submission.  Other than her bringing a man into our D/s world, I can't imagine a thing Mistress could do to me that would upset me.  My head is spinning with the idea of begging for mercy and not getting it.  Mmmmmm.

   

Others being mean

I read a lot of things online about D/s.  What I am mostly drawn to is people being treated badly by their dominant.  I prefer women treated men cruelly, but there just aren't enough people that post about their experiences in a female dominant sense.  There are even fewer that post pictures.  This means I end up looking at many blogs and pictures of women being treated poorly when looking for pictures of a certain topic.  When I see these pictures of women being treated cruelly I don't fantasize about myself being cruel to women (although I could if Mistress would switch once in a while).  I fantasize about me being treated as much like those women as possible.  Here is a summary of some of the blogs I like to visit and get myself all worked up thinking it's me being treated this way.  I am fascinated by the cruelty.

http://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com - is my favorite.  They are a couple that seems to live a normal day to day life, but when they turn on the kink, they turn it on. The husband gets spankings I dream of trying but don't think I could take.  They bring witnesses and participants into his beatings and humiliation.  Then at the end of the day they go back to being a normal couple.

https://msscarletuk.wordpress.com - is one that actually scares me as much as it enthralls me.  She is truly cruel and I am mesmerized by it.  Some of her tortures include frequent application of Deep Heat to his cock and balls.  She also uses stinging nettles but I don;t know where to get those.  Ice cubes of her piss being delivered into his mouth drop by drop through a funnel gag.  A caning before he misbehaves and to set the tone for the day.  He spends hours 4-8 hours at a time tied to a bed with a hood on, blindfolded, his ears plugged, and those ice cubes so all he can think of is his evil Mistress.  She in turn binge watches a show or some other activity she enjoys getting turned on at the thought of his suffering.  She visits him every 30-60 minutes to refresh the Deep Heat or the ice cubes.  Lastly instead of letting him dress as a woman she makes him dress as a little girl.

http://kittydenied.tumblr.com a female sub that has to endure chastity, denial and lots of deep throating practice.  One of my favorite fantasies is pictured below.  Having my arms bound behind my back and being told to get to a certain number (not too low).  I would have to take the cock down my throat far enough to get my nose to hit the button.

https://greyhoundsowner.tumblr.com - my new favorite.  If only this was a guy being treated this way.  She it totally subjugated.  Her diet is controlled.  She has to use a litter box. She must wear heels at all times, if not, her heels are not allowed to touch the floor.  She is plugged at all times.  She is in chastity at all times.  She is tied to a bed or caged every night.  She is restrained for hours on end in very painful positions. He uses a cattle prod on her.  I can only imagine how terrible this would be to endure, but at the same time, I wish I were her.

A little more ball holding today for greyhound after our shower. I like putting her in a position that, at first seems fine, but after an hour or so it becomes harder and harder to maintain. That wood collar/yoke weighs about five pounds as well, so it’s kinda hard to stay like that. I sometimes leave her like this for the afternoon, and enjoy the sounds of her whimpering as her legs cramp. 

Greyhound sleeping in her straight jacket tonight!

This is “The Block”. It’s a 30 pound piece of wood (much heavier if solid, but I hollowed it out a little) that greyhound is required to hold. I use this to park her at times, giving her a task that she needs to focus on. She is not allowed to lower it at all, and as you can see, keeps it at about the same level, as instructed. 

I love putting greyhound on the perch. Sometimes she goes up there late morning, after her chores, and I leave her just like this for the rest of the day. As you can imagine, it’s very hard on her pussy, being tied down so she is planted firmly against the wood. Sometimes I come in and use the cattle prod to make sure she’s still awake. 

Here are some other "go to" sites, but not as mean as the folks above.

https://keephimcaged.tumblr.com/ A Wife's Guide To Male Chastity And Cock Cages
 https://keephimcaged.tumblr.com/ A Sensual Domme's World: Female Led Relationship, tease & denial, pegging, chastity, guys in lingerie and more.  These are both filled with images and ideas that make my head spin.

http://saragirlsissyconfessions.blogspot.com I love this one for the sissy and chastity imagery.  Very feminine stuff.  There is a lot of cuckolding in this one which I am not into (unless Mistress finds a woman to cuckold me with :-)

https://dominajen.com  This is the blog that taught me the disobeying is a reaction to insecurity. Instead of backing down when a slave disobeys, it's time to double down.  I also like reading about her taking her feminized slave out in public.

http://totallysubjugated.tumblr.com -  A Tumblr blog devoted to the overall surrender of control. To be caged, boxed, confined; to have your freedom and choice of movement eroded away. To become completely and totally, subjugated.

Harsh treatment adds fuel to my fire.

I am very worked up again today.  I just realized that the reason I am so worked up is due to the way Mistress treated me on Saturday.  It's the fact that my toenails are painted according to her specifications and not mine.  It's because I still have bruises in the insides of my thighs.  It's because the perfume I am wearing now reminds me of a pair of panties on my face.  It's because my groin muscles hurt from being tied spread eagle so tight.  If I was a normal guy I would not want to repeat Saturday, but because I am not normal, I not only want to repeat it, I want to endure even more.

Last night I woke up a few times.  I was imagining bad treatment.  I imagined the cage being moved into the spare bedroom so Mistress has easier access to lock me up.  I imagined Mistress setting out my underwear for the day - every day.  The underwear just so happens to be the dirty ones she wore the previous day.  I imagined Mistress making me start eating cum again.  I imagined wearing the shocking dog collar on my balls.  I imagined Mistress taking me back to the thrift store to add to my wardrobe as I will be wearing fewer and fewer men's clothes.  I imagined Mistress waking me up before she got out of bed this morning to go make her coffee.  I imagined true nipple torture.  I imagined more and more anal intrusions.  I imagined Mistress making me walk on the treadmill in heels.  I imagined Mistress making me kneel on rice or putting rice on the bottom of the cage.  I imagined Mistress and I using one toy a day from our large collection of D/s items.  It would be nice to find some new things Mistress could use to torment me and make my life harder.

      

Making things more difficult

This morning I could have chosen to wear something comfy  and casual and likely not been questioned on it.  Instead I chose my skirt and a top to go with it.  I could have just worn that, but I decided to add a bra.  Not because I like wearing a bra, but because it's more difficult.  Feeling the straps digging into me.  Making me aware of my every movement.  Making me feel humiliation at this extra feminine item of clothing.  I can ignore panties, but not a bra.

Then I decided to make my life even more difficult.  Instead of wearing my black platform heels I decided to wear my black strappy pumps.  The heels are 5 inches on both pairs of shoes, but the platform on the other pair makes the net heel height only 3 inches.  In my pumps, my heels are raised a full 5 inches.  I have to walk with smaller steps, making me that much more aware of my situation.  These shoes hurt my feet more than the others.  It's not about the shoes, as much as it's about the difficulty.

This concept explains why I wear a nighty.  I'd rather not.  However, the challenge, the difficulty, having to do something I don't like; that makes it all worth while.

The hornier I get, the more difficult I want things to be.  Today is 3 weeks since my last orgasm, so the more difficult the better.  Some of the thoughts I had about how to make life more difficult.

• Having to wear a thick leather collar when home

• Shackled all day

• Corset
• Stockings, garters, hose, etc
• Makeup
• Sitting on a spiked mat 

There are obviously lots of ways to make a slaves like more difficult.  I love/hate the thought of it!

      

Dressed Again

This morning was a 'moment of truth' time.  Was I going to obey and dress up in feminine attire or was I going to wuss out and revert to my male side?  To be fair, I was planning on obeying 99% percent of the time.  The 1% where I thought about disobeying wasn't because I didn't want to get dressed up. I did.  It was because I wanted to see if Mistress would do anything to me for disobeying.  Actually it wasn't that I wanted to see if she would do anything, it's that I wanted to force her hand to do something to me.  That 1% feeling wasn't worth spending an entire night in the cage, nor did I want to be a pushy bottom, so I relented.

As I said, I was 99% ready to get dressed up this morning.  So much so, that I pre-planned my attire while trying to fall asleep last night.  I didn't know what I was going to wear, but I set myself one rule, it had to be a dress.  I wanted something summery since I hadn't been dressed since much colder days a couple months ago.  I wanted to wear a bra as well , but didn't make that one of my rules.  I thought about possibly wearing my office attire as well as a nice long maxi-dress.  As I dozed off in my form fitting nighty, I fantasized about Mistress pushing my limits in many ways.

I started waking up about 4 am.  I remembered that today I would be dressed feminine all day.  My cock was hard.  I thought about wearing my highest heels.  I thought about wearing my bra inserts.  I managed to doze off.  For the next couple hours I went in and out of sleep.  I fantasized about some images/videos I saw recently that made me very jealous.  That post will be tomorrow.

Mistress got up before me.  That's always tough when I get dressed.  If I get up before her I can get used to my humiliation and hide out in my office before serving her coffee.  When she gets up before me, I can't prepare. I walk into the room dressed and embarrassed (in all the right ways).  I can feel her eyes on me, judging my outfit.  The humiliation is perfect even though difficult.

When I got out of bed I went to go to the bathroom.  I hiked up my nighty and sat like a girl.  If you are new to this blog, I sit when I pee and have done so for over 8 years ever since I got my Prince Albert piercing.  It's far too difficult to pee standing and risking peeing all over the place is not worth it to me.  Sitting to pee also reinforces my submissive and feminine feelings.  After that I hung up my nighty on one of the robes hooks in the bathroom.  Seeing a nighty hanging there is good for subtle humilaiton.  I proceeded to put on some lavender Secret for Women deodorant as well as my perfume.

I still can't believe how powerful the perfume is.  Not in a 'strong scent' sort of way, but in how powerful it is when it hits my brain.  It's a major amplifier for my submissiveness, and sluttiness.  There was no turning back at this point.  I went into the spare bedroom where my feminine attire resides.  I only have about 8-10 dresses so there wasn't a lot to choose from.  I decided against the maxi-dress as I was feeling way sluttier than that.  I almost went for one of the more cocktail looking dresses when I came across a short summery dress.

As I went looking for my high white heels I ran across a pair of white wedges I forgot I had recently purchased.    

I had planned on wearing higher, less comfortable shoes.  I love how much more carefully I have to walk in them.  I love the way I have to take small feminine steps.  I love/hate the pain I eventually end up in.  I love the humiliation of them. However since I haven't been in heels for 2 months and I was working from home all day I decided to be practical and wear the wedges.

As I put them on my feet I admired my shaved legs.  I admired my calves and the shortness of my skirt.   I was wishing my fingernail and toenails were painted.  I was quickly falling into sub-space.

I came down the stairs and walked into the living room where Mistress was working on the couch.  A wave of erotic humiliation came over me.  We spoke for a bit and I headed to my home office.  Mistress asked if I was wearing panties, and I lifted the back of my dress to show off a pair of polka dot panties.  I was in sissy heaven.

Soon I will be working out in our basement.  I will go down the stairs fully dressed and in the spare bedroom I will find my feminine workout clothes.  Today I will likely wear an outfit like this with pink socks and pink running shoes.

Mistress just left to go to the gym.  It would be so easy to pull my cock out and stroke myself.  It's all I can do to not touch myself and get close to the edge, but I digress.  I did not touch myself at all.

The last couple months I had been able to revert back to my masculine side and avoid a large part of my sexuality.  The last couple days, everything is rushing back to me.  Apparently being dressed is a large part of it.  If I wear boxers and t-shirts around the house I can avoid it.  I can be an obnoxious, entitled dude.  I can be annoying.  Unfortunately it can also become normal.

However, being dressed in heels and a dress there is no avoiding what I feel inside.  Having to wear perfume and panties instead of male deodorant and boxers forces a change in mindset.  I always wondered why so many Mistress's throw away or lock up their husband's underwear and such.  It's to force the mindset.  

In a lot of ways summer is great for dressing up.  I can wear skimpier clothes and not freeze.  I can sunbathe in a bikini as well as wear toenail polish for months on end.  In some ways it's not convenient.  I can't run outside to water the plants without a wardrobe change.  I can't cook on the grill at 5:30 at night in pink clothes. I can't do more of the more labor intensive chores at the drop of a hat.  Nail polish and flip flops don't go together.  However maybe that's a good thing.  Toenail polish forces me to wear socks and shoes, which is good for my cracked heels.

As we work back toward more D/s, I am reminded of how happy I am when I am challenged physically and mentally.  Whether it's being feminized, locked in chastity, wearing a butt plug, being locked in the cage, humiliated, tied down and beaten, the more I am pushed, the deeper my submission is.  When I feel this way, I just want to spend the day in bed making Mistress cum over and over and over.  I want to spend hours with my face between her thighs.  I want to use toys and my fingers on her until she can't walk.  I want to be her complete sex slave with no rights.  That sounds like heaven to me right about now.  

Trouble Getting Back Into The Swing Of Things

It's been about a week and a half since I have worn anything feminine.  It's been over a week since I have worn my collar.  It's been 3 weeks since I was in chastity during Mistress last period.  It's been since March 26th since I have been tied down.  

Why?  Many reasons.  Summer is coming around which means more time outside especially during daylight hours.  I don't have very many clothes that are both feminine and deniable, so I have casually been letting it slide.  We recently went on a trip.  Unfortunately since it was a beach trip I had to remove the nail polish on my toes.  Also, I tried wearing my collar but it gave me a white ring around my neck.  The idea of a permanently tanned collar is kind of hot, but it looked stupid so we decided against it.  Mistress didn't enforce feminine attire on this trip which was sad but also a relief.  It was super hot and the kind of panties I have would have been super annoying.  Although me being uncomfortable and inconvenienced for Mistress pleasure is part of the appeal as well.

Since we started embarking on be being feminized as much as possible it's gotten easier for me.  However Mistress has been having me wear male clothes on the weekend which makes it much harder for me to go back to femme on Mondays.  Now that I have had almost 2 weeks off, I am finding it that much harder to go back.  This morning as I started to wake up, I thought about getting up and putting on my perfume.  I thought about what I would wear.  My cock got hard as I thought about putting on my heels and a dress.  I fantasized for a quick minute and then I felt stupid.  My insecurities came up (bigger than usual) and I couldn't force myself to do it.  

Officially I am disobeying existing rules.  But I don't want to be disobeying.  I want to obey.  I want to do what I am told.  I want to feel the shame and humiliation of being dressed in a feminine manner.  I want to be Mistress's desperate, needy slut.  

Unfortunately this is where my insecurities are overriding my submissiveness.  It happens and I don't like it. At this juncture, the "forced" part of forced feminization is what is needed.  To be forced (or coerced) tells me that it is OK for me to be vulnerable again. Being reminded that Mistress wants this from me is all of a sudden, very important again.  I have to override my insecurities about what society considers masculine.  I am reminded of the term "recalibration" that Mistress likes to use.  I have drifted and I need to be brought back to our reality.  To do what Mistress requires of me.  To be held accountable.  

Writing this post is giving me butterflies.  I feel like I am being a pushy bottom.  I feel like I am asking Mistress to do something she doesn't want to do.  I have no reason to feel this way, but I do.         

While on our trip Mistress and I had some really good sex.  We spent a lot of great time together.  We didn't venture into too much D/s talk.  I didn't look at any porn unless it shot across my twitter feed.  When I came home I had a bunch of Tumblr feeds to get caught back up on.  I was so far behind that I had to only look at a handful of posts and delete the rest.  This certainly got me back into a state of mind.

Here are a handful of pics I found hot while cleaning up my blog list.

     

Control

Yesterday morning Mistress and I were having early morning sex.  I was in my nighty while we were having sex.  It's pretty hot for me to be in my nighty when when we have sex.  It keeps my mind focused on pleasing her and reinforces my place in our relationship.  After Mistress had a couple orgasms Mistress ordered me to fuck her harder.  I thought this indicated that she was going to let me cum.  As I got close to the edge, I asked Mistress if I could cum.  I was on a perfect pace to fill her up with my cum when she said "no".  I had to stop moving my hips immediately.  She added that she didn't want to screw up her Sunday by having a difficult to deal with slave just because she let me have an orgasm.

Now she's getting it!

I have spent the better part of 6.5 years getting her to recognize the benefits of keeping me denied (Semen Retention).    At the same time she should be getting all the sex she wants from me as it keeps me engaged and helps me build stamina.  Also her pleasure should come first and second to my third.

It had only been a week since my last orgasm and the feeling was fresh in my mind.  All week I have really wanted another orgasm.  I was so ready to cum that I had considered just cumming and dealing with the consequences.  However my mind quickly went to the cage in the basement.  Even though I have only been locked in the cage a few times, it has an effect on my behavior.  I could imagine me spending at least a couple hours in the cage if not longer for an unauthorized orgasm.  I could also imagine other punishments for cumming after being told no.

At this point I realized that Mistress has the most control over me than she ever has.  I like that.  I dress feminine every week day and some weekends if we don't have anything going on.  I wear perfume that Mistress has chosen for me daily (no matter what I am wearing)  I wear my chastity device when told.  I have a collar locked around my neck 24/7 for months at a time unless it needs to come off for medical or security reasons.

While Mistress has more control over me than she ever has, I don't fear her.  I wish I did.  In a D/s context.  If I did, her control would be complete.

I frequently think of purposely disobeying Mistress so that I can be treated badly.  Even this morning I was tempted to edge myself and then confess to it.  I didn't, but I thought about it. I think about skipping my feminine dress one day to see if Mistress will punish me.  I sometimes get snarky, wishing that Mistress would call me out on it and truly punish me.

I fantasize of being punished to the point of truly begging it to stop.  When we play, Mistress will frequently ask me if I've had enough.  At some point I will say yes.  Not because I have hit a limit, but merely because I still have control at that point.  As I think about this am reminded of a quote from another Domme's blog.

So: A true submissive needs to feel they are helplessly under the control of a sadistic dominant. That they have zero power or influence. That is achieved by two things. 

(A) Punishments for infractions have to be truly feared by the sub. This is achieved by not stopping the punishment until the sub is and has been truly begging with all their heart for a few minutes for the punishment to stop. My lifestyle did not click into place until I started doing this 6 or 7 years ago. It is easy to judge when the begging has reached the truly heartfelt, and then you keep going for a while. You will not break or damage him. During the punishment, he will be begging and attempting to have you stop. After it, he will be in awe of you and want to worship you. Bind him so he cannot move, gag him and then apply the punishment. It may only need to be six HARD cane strokes, if he is begging with all his heart after the first. If he has marks on his butt for the rest of the day, he will love that. If the marks last 3 days, he will love it even more.

(B) The true submissive has to undergo things they really do not like. By this, it is reinforced that they have zero power or influence, that they are helplessly under the control of a sadistic dominant.  

All of this being said, we are heading down the right path.  Mistress is kind to me and treats me very well.  I love this.  However a part of me wants to truly fear her.  I want to be scared when I am tied up.  Truly not knowing what is going to happen to me.  I eventually want a true beating.

I want to beg to the point of tears. I want to be afraid that she will do things I don't want to have done to me.  I want her to be able to verbally tell me something and for her words to put fear into my heart.  This concept excites the hell out of me.  I want Mistress have absolute control of me.  

   

Back From A Hiatus

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Thoughts While Feminzed

For the last 3 or so months, Mistress has had me dressed feminine as much as possible.  Because it is nearly 24/7 that I am wearing something feminine I have a ton of thoughts that go through my mind all day long.  Here is a synopsis of one of my days.

I sleep in a nighty every night and have been for over a year.  I am also one that tosses and turns quite a bit as I like to flip from sleeping on my right and left sides.  I frequently wake up while doing this and without fail I realize I am a submissive man sleeping in a nighty.  I'm more or less used to it physically but mentally it still makes me swoon a bit.

When I get out of bed, I could take off my nighty immediately, but instead I choose to prolong my feminization, so I stay in my nighty for a few more minutes.  I go to the bathroom first thing.  My cock is pierced, so I sit to pee when I am at home.  It's much cleaner that way.  I raise my nighty and sit on the toilet and it makes me feel very feminine.  I then stand up and go into the close to weight myself.  as I look down to see what my weight is I am looking down my body and the nighty that is on it.  If my toenails are painted I also get a rush from that view.  I take off my nighty and hang it on the hook in the closet for all to see.

I then go to my vanity and put on some women's deodorant and the new perfume Mistress bought me.  I then head to the spare bedroom with my women's clothes.  Many mornings I have a very shy mindset about getting dressed.  I plan on wearing women's jeans and a t-shirt or something equally mundane.  However, as soon as I spray the perfume on it starts working. By the time I hit the bedroom closet my mind is wanting me to dress more feminine than I had planned.  In short order, the perfume, mixed in with my morning hormones has me picking dresses and skirts instead of jeans.  I find myself putting on my highest heels, no matter how uncomfortable they are.  You can pretty much tell how horny I am by what I am wearing.  Some days it's a challenge picking out my outfit and wish that Mistress would occasionally do it for me.  Being told to wear stricter or more elaborate           outfits are a turn on and it's just not something I can do to myself very often.

After getting fully dressed, I then head downstairs.  I am already in my heels and descend the stairs being careful not to trip.  I have a certain sense of helplessness in heels, and more-so the higher they are.  I like that feeling.  I then feed the dog, prepare Mistress' coffee and do some dishes if she's not up yet.  I can see my reflection in our many windows.  Windows that don't have window coverings.  It's weird and exhilarating to see myself this way.  I used to be very paranoid about being seen by a neighbor, but as I have gotten conditioned to being dressed this way, that has mostly gone away.

When I do anything in the kitchen I am very aware of my situation.  I am 4-6 inches taller depending on the shoes I am wearing.  Being a half foot taller in a space that I am used to my normal height is a constant reminder that I am in heels.  In my higher heels I have to focus on my balance as well as not clomping around.  When I put something in the bottom rack of the dishwasher, I have a view of my shoes, feet, and skirt or dress.  It turns me on quite a bit.

If Mistress is up before me I walk into the kitchen with just the right amount of erotic humiliation.  I am embarrassed, but turned on at the same time.  I just want to be used right then and there.  If I am up before her, I am hidden behind my desk, so it has less of an effect.  

On days that I work out, I go into our basement gym and get dressed into my feminine workout clothes including my pink gym shoes.  We have lots of mirrors so I am constantly seeing myself dressed this way.  After working out, I get dressed back into my feminine office clothes.

I spend the rest of my morning getting caught up on work.  As I sit at my desk I can kind of forget my situation.  Having to get up and walk around brings thoughts of my situation flooding back.  My perfume also makes it much harder to forget my predicament as it's constantly filling my nostrils and my brain is constantly aware of just how feminine I feel.

Depending on the day of the week, I may stay like this the rest of the day.  Other days I have to go to work.  On the days I have to go to work, I head upstairs a few hours after waking.  I undress and take a shower.  While the shower gets warm I pick what feminine clothes I have to wear under my male clothes.  I'm a little fuzzy on the rules here but this is what I think they are.  I cannot wear just panties.  If I wear panties I have to wear something on my upper half like a bra, camisole, etc.  If I wear something like stockings or pantyhose on my power half I can skip the upper half.  After picking out my clothes, I take my shower. After drying off I reapply my deodorant and perfume and get dressed.

Depending on what I am wearing I am either barely aware or super aware.  Panties barely phase me.  Bras and garters with stockings are a constant reminder.  Pantyhose are somewhere in between.  This is again where the perfume does it's job.  No matter what I am wearing underneath, the perfume leaks out and fills my head with feminine and submissive feelings.  Thinking my customers can smell my perfume is a mindfuck.  As I go about my day I am constantly aware of my situation.  My bra may be digging into me or the strap could be sliding down my arm.  My stockings or pantyhose might need to be readjusted after walking down the block.  When I go to the bathroom I have to work around my situation.  I also have to send Mistress a pic of my feminine attire so she knows I am wearing it out of the house.  I love the shame I feel when I do it.

When I get done with my day I come home.  I have 30 minutes to change clothes and I am not very good doing it in time.  This is where I fail the most.  If I get home early, I proceed to put on the outfit I was wearing earlier, like I am still at work.  If I get home a bit later I put on something more casual.  If I spent the day at home I try to stay dressed until 5 pm just like a regular work day.  On the days I am home all day, I love getting out of my heels, but at the same time I am so turned on that I just wore them for 8+ hours.  I am a shoe whore.

At night, dressing casual is the most comfortable I feel, but it's also the least feminine and submissive I feel.  I don't know if it's that I hit a low in the testosterone or not.  I actually think that it's my limited amount of casual clothes.  I have one outfit that is my favorite (black workout pants and a pink pullover top) but I can't wear that every day.  I keep fantasizing about wearing leggings or yoga pants and super feminine tops that are warm and comfy.  Something that makes me feel like a young woman at a slumber party.

At bedtime I get ready for bed.  My perfume has mostly worn off so I can't really smell it.  I put on my nighty just before crawling into bed.  This used to be so difficult for me due to the shame factor, but I am so conditioned now, I pretty much do it without thinking.  I try to mix up what I wear to bed.  I have 3 nighty's that are so comfortable I can forget I am wearing them until I feel a shoulder strap.  I have one that is tight but still comfortable.  I think it's Mistress favorite.  I have 2 with padded cups that make me very aware.  The last one I wear only when Mistress makes me has padded cups and is very sheer and humiliating.  It's something out of the eighties and when I wake up in it, erotic shame comes over me.  I love/hate it.      

So that is more or less the feelings I go through every day.  I am becoming much more comfortable with Mistress' requirements.  Even though I am becoming more comfortable I am also insecure.  Does Mistress really like seeing me this way?  Does it do something for her?  She assures me that it does, but that doesn't stop the occasional doubting.  Both my comfort and my insecurity makes me fantasize about additional rules, requirements and restrictions.  I sometimes feel I have a little too much latitude in what I wear, especially underneath my outfits.    

In closing, I love the restriction and helplessness I feel in my heels.  I shudder when I go to the bathroom.  I raise my skirt, and lower my panites and sit on the seat.  My knees are 4-6 inches higher than normal and I feel like such a slut.  My perfume is a constant reminder of my femininity.  Thinking I am Mistress girlfriend or slutty slave gets me so hot.  Even though I have some insecurities, I love feeling controlled the way I do nearly 24/7.