Mental Effects

When I woke up this morning, I wasn't in much of sexual mood.  I had zero intention of writing a blog post today.  I didn't sleep well and for whatever reason my libido was down.  I still have a rule that I must wear women's clothes when I am in the house, so my intention was to wear jeans and a casual top of some sort with some flat shoes.  When I got to the extra bedroom and saw my feminine clothes in the closet something clicked in my mind.  I have been trying to dress in ways that please Mistress as well as in ways that get her mind running with things to do to me.  To keep Mistress' mind racing, I decided it was in my best interest to dress better than jeans.  I picked out a black and white animal print blouse, black skirt and high heels.  I then fed the dog, emptied the dishwasher and loaded the dishwasher, all in my outfit.

I have to confess that I went from nearly zero libido to 8-9 in short order.  There is something erotic about waking up and first thing doing things I consider submissive and humiliating.  Wearing these clothes and doing chores in towering high heels went straight to my submissive libido.  These rules and protocols Mistress has me following makes it hard to slip out of subspace for very long.  When I have written posts in the past about protocols, I wrote more for it's kinky aspect.  However after this morning, I can see protocols having a long lasting mental effect that keeps me in a particular state of mind.  The same goes with wearing a nighty every night or when I am in chastity.  In the case of dressing up, and doing chores as my first acts of the day, I am essentially starting my day in submissive mode.  Instead of me waking up and having a kinky laundry list of things running through my mind, I am quickly put in my place and redirected into serving submissively.  As it is now, I am constantly reminded of my place.  Whether it be first thing in the morning, or getting ready for bed.  Whether it's when I am at work and I see my panties when I go to the bathroom, or when I come back home and have to change back into a dress.  Whether I am in chastity or have a large plug in my ass, I am constantly reminded of being Mistress' slave.  I hate to admit it, but the more she puts on my plate the harder it is to deny what I have become.  That's a good thing.

Yesterday was a different story.  I woke up with my libido on 12.  I dressed about as slutty as I could. I dressed in a black bra, plaid panties, white blouse, plaid schoolgirl skirt, white knee highs with bows and black mary jane platform heels.  Typing that out made me blush.  Mistress had ordered me to wear a wig, so that added to my humiliation.  My libido stayed pretty high yesterday.  In fact, it would start dropping off as I hid behind my desk working, but every time I had to get up to do something, I was instantly reminded of what I was wearing.  My humiliation and libido would peak each time.  Getting up and having to show myself is a pretty good mind fuck.

 

     

Update on the experiment

Mistress and I have had sex for the last 4 days straight.  I believe this to be rare with couples that practice chastity and male orgasm denial.  My goal when starting this experiment was to have sex for as many days straight as we can, but with 100% of my focus on giving Mistress orgasms.  My pleasure is to take a back seat to hers and my orgasms are up to her.  In addition to increased intimacy, I really wanted to build up my stamina to where it was when we first met.  Mistress primary way to orgasm is with my cock inside her, and when I was only being stimulated every 7-14 days, I was too sensitive to please her in the way she desires.

The last 4 days Mistress has as many orgasms as she wants, how she wants.  Once she is pleased, then she tells me she is done with me and I am to clean up.  The first 3 days she had me lock myself up chastity, but last night she didn't.  It's about all I can do to not touch myself as I write this.

During this period I have noticed that I can please Mistress better than I had before.  I am still not where I want to be, but I am working on it.  I believe that if I had an orgasm and we kept on the plan I would last longer.  As it is now, my testosterone and libido are through the roof.  Because of that I think I am more sensitive than I would be if I had recently cum.

A big part of trying not to cum when the body is demanding it is to have some sort of penalty for doing so.  The penalty for me used to be that if I came without permission I had to clean it up with my mouth.  That no longer works as well as I now have to clean up after every orgasm that I have.  It still works, just not as well.  I read a blog about a guy that gets an immediate whipping if he cums without permission.  This is particularly cruel as since he has just had an orgasm, he has lost the ability to use his horniness to mitigate the pain.  His beating is non sexual at all.  Here is more on the topic CLICK HERE   

While being less sensitive is a nice goal, I am afraid that an orgasm would take me out of this space that I am in.  I am so full of sexual chemicals.  I am in such a suggestive state that any thing Mistress says to me or makes me do goes straight to my core.  I want to be more and more under her thumb.  I want to obey no matter how much I don't want to do something.  With the chemicals I have running through my body right now, I could easily be coerced into just about anything.

Another benefit I have seen over the last 4 days is that Mistress has become much more demanding.  Her comments and actions both in and out of bed surprise me.  She is much more confident in punishing me.  She comes up with consequences I won't like as a deterrent for not obeying.  She has been calling me her bitch quite a bit which I like way more than I should.  She has escalated my feminization much faster than I expected.  I am in a wig for the first time in years.  The wig has only been used for scenes and sex, but now I'm afraid it's going to be part of my day-to-day routine.  She has had me using a very feminine body wash and very soon we are going to be finding me my own feminine scent for bathing and wearing out of the house.  While I have reservations about dressing, Mistress is pushing me in a way that is very erotic and will likely have me doing things I have reluctantly fantasized about for years.

On the non sexual front, I have been in much more of a service frame of mind.  In the morning, I find myself making sure Mistress coffee is ready and that the dishes are done before I do anything for myself.  When Mistress asks me to do something, I do it immediately instead of putting it on my mental list to do later.  I truly enjoy it when she asks me to do a particular task, and I especially like it when it's an order vs. a request.  I feel submissive serving in non-sexual ways, so being ordered to do things becomes a turn on.      

In closing, this experiment of increasing our sexual time together seems to be working well.  I know I am much happier and hornier and by all accounts Mistress seems to be happy and more sexually satisfied than I have seen in some time.  I am very excited to keep experimenting and see where this goes.    

Busted!

Yesterday morning we were up to our normal routine.  I was cooking breakfast and was a little snarky.  Mistress mentioned that I may need to spend some time in the cage today.  I scoffed at the idea knowing that wasn't going to happen.  Mistress went and worked out, while I removed my toenail polish and repainted my toenails.  Mistress finished her workout and we were hanging out.  Out of the blue, Mistress said that when my toenails dried I needed to go put my butt plug in.  She then told me that I was going to be spending some time in the cage.  I was very pleased and surprised.  I hadn't planned on playing today.

She then said that the next time I wonder what she is up to, that I just need to ask her.  I do not need to sneak into her phone.  Busted!  The night before Mistress had rolled over to go to sleep.  I was turning out the lights and as I was doing so, I noticed Mistress phone on the nightstand didn't have a charging cable hooked up to it.  I hooked up the charger and had a quick moment of insecurity.  I unlocked her phone and was just about to get into her text messages when she flipped over.  I quickly put the phone on the nightstand and then tried to lock it.  It was probably way more obvious than I thought at the time.  I had no clue she was on to me.

I already felt bad about what I did.  I have never had a reason to not trust Mistress.  When she said this I felt deep shame and embarrassment.  In the past I would have denied what I did or justified it or somehow deflected what I did.  In this case, I just accepted my fate.  Mistress also stepped out of her typical response.  Normally, she would get mad, call me out on it, and be distant for a few days.  In this case, she took a D/s approach, and punished me.  This allowed me to reflect on my behavior, genuinely apologize and thank Mistress for punishing me.  I believe this allowed her to call me out on my behavior, punish me accept my honest apology.  Instead of dwelling on what I did, we can move on.  A big difference between a vanilla relationship and a D/s one.  Punish, apologize, accept and move on.

As a side note.  I find it convenient to have the password to Mistress' phone if I need to get into it for any reason.  However I don't like the temptation.  I like the concept of Mistress having full access to my phone and computer, and I have zero access to hers.  In our D/s dynamic, she has an absolute right to privacy while I willingly give up all of my privacy.  I feel that adds extra vulnerability and control of me.

I went and put in my butt plug.  I came back to where Mistress was sitting and I told her I was ready for my punishment.  We went to the cage, and I used the restroom one last time as I had no idea how long I would be locked up.  In the mean time, Mistress went and grabbed the straight jacket.  She had me put it on.  As she fastened the buckles, I noticed how the straps that go between the legs pressed on the base of my butt plug.  Mistress told me to get in the cage.  To do so, I pretty much had to crawl on my forehead to get into the cage.  It was humiliating.  Mistress closed the cage door and put a padlock on it.  She then left me to go take a bath.  I had a long time to reflect on my behavior.  Being in the straight jacket made my time in the cage much more challenging since I couldn't use my hands to make myself more comfortable.  My chastity device dangled between my legs and I couldn't adjust it to make it more comfortable.  Lying on hard plastic until numbness sets in and then moving would cause new pain.  Every movement I made pushed on the plug in my ass.  It quickly went from kinky to real punishment.  I was fortunate Mistress didn't blindfold me, collar me or add many other challenges she could have.  Mistress let me out after a couple hours.  I would have guessed 2.5-3  hours.  I actually thought there was a good chance that she would leave me there longer.  I was grateful she didn't.

The rest of the day went normally.  We went out last night, and when Mistress and I got home, she had me remove my device and we got in the bed for me to sexually serve her.  While we had sex, we talked about the days events and future plans.  As I again thanked Mistress for handling my bad behavior with D/s she assured me that she will keep doing this and will make it much worse next time.  She also talked about making our spare room a punishment room as well as where my feminine side will have her own room.  She added that I would soon be wearing makeup and my wig much more often.  Very soon I will be wearing feminine smelling deodorant and perfume.  After Mistress had at least a few orgasms, she told me she was done with me.  I was to lock my cock back up and get into bed.  I was in absolute heaven.

I am totally enamored with Mistress right now.  I am in awe of how she had handled an issue that is difficult in any relationship.  I am loving how confidentially she has me pleasing her sexually without concerning herself with my pleasure.  Pleasing her is pleasureful for me.  I am truly loving the the physical intimacy we have had the last few days.  I am loving Mistress pushing my feminine buttons and making do more and more in this area of our life.  I really hope we stay on this course.  I so want to be completely owned by Mistress. 

The last few days

The last few days have had Mistress and I going through our normal lives.  Our new normal has me wearing women's clothes whenever I am home.  I have to admit, the more I wear clothes, the more I get into it.  I am starting to take pride in the outfits, as if I were going to go out in the clothes.  While I am more comfortable, I am also insecure.  I had to ask Mistress to reaffirm that she likes seeing me dressed.  She said "yes I like it.  When I start making you wear makeup you'll really now how much I like it".  Just typing that got my cock hard.  Here are outfits over the last couple days (I missed a picture one day).

I had recently bought a 3D printed chastity device.  At first it was wonderful, but something happened and now, whenever I wear it I get swollen and the skin around the device turns red and flaky.  I believe I am alergic the plastic used to make the device.  I believe they coat it in paraffin or something similar when they make it, but now that it has worn off, I have a reaction.  To make sure it's that specific device, I have been wearing my stainless device off and on for the last few days.  I have no issues with the steel device, other than the weight and the bulkiness of it.  It's much harder to wear this device than the plastic one.  I am now researching metal devices that are similar to my plastic device.  In the meantime I need to try wearing my old school CB3000 plastic device, to rule out any issues before I invest in another device.  I want to make sure the tighter devices don't cause any skin issues.

The last few days Mistress has been a little pushier.  When she ran out of wine one night, she told me that it was my job to keep her wine stock replenished.  That same night she told me to do the laundry the next day.  That is one job she has kept for herself so it was very hot to be told to do it.  Thursday night Mistress had a girls night out. She made me drop her off so she could Uber back home.  When she got home she had me unlock myself and we had sex.  I made sure to have her cum and I didn't get an orgasm.  Last night, at bedtime Mistress got the bed ready for sex and again, she used my cock and fingers to get her off.  Shortly after she orgasmed, she told me she was done with me.  I pulled out and started cleaning up.  As I did, she told me to lock myself back in chastity.  I can't remember the last time she told me to lock my cock up after sex.  Being told what to do, and being used for sex, has my submissive mind soaring.  I woke up early this morning with my cock straining against its steel cage.  All my mind could think of was Mistress doing something painful, something humiliating or something challenging to me.  I am feeling so horny this morning.         

Orgasms for her and not for me.

A friend told me that stats show that the average person has sex 89 times a year. He went on to say that he's excited for all the sex he will get in December.  That's my joke for the day...

I have been giving a lot of thought to orgams, or the lack thereof.

Last year at this time I had 36 orgasms and this year it's 26.  This pales in comparison to my pre-chastity (and pre-long term relationships) days when I likely came 400-500 times a year, 98% of them by myself.

Also, I went 46 days without an orgasm this year which is less than my record of around 75 days.  I have been yearning to break my old record as I really enjoy the high I get from denial.  There is also something cool about breaking personal records.

There are countless women that keep their men in chastity and forbid orgam for long periods.  They are still intimate and get pleasure from toys or their partner's tongue and fingers.  There are many others that do not ever allow a man's penis inside them. I have read of men that have gone years without being inside their Mistress and some that haven't had an orgasm in over a year.  Some of this is very hot to me.  The level of submission it takes for a slave to give up orgasms or to give up pleasure at all is incredible.

On the flip side, I recently read a blog (click HERE) where the woman has her sub cum every 5-7 days (or up to 9 days if he misbehaves), but they have sex almost daily.  When they do have sex she cums 10-30 times and he doesn't cum at all.

I think she has it right.

The more I think about it, the more I want to be as sexual with my Mistress as possible.  Mistress loves having my cock inside her and I can make her cum quite easily.  In fact when we first started dating I could make her cum time and again to the point where she would get so sensitive that she would have me stop.  Back then she would try to make me cum and I could stop it from happening.  I believe the reason is back then I was inside her constantly.  If we were apart, I would edge.  My cock was always being stimulated and therefore I had more control.

Today things are a bit different.  Unfortunately chastity and orgasm denial have also been stimulation denial.  I understand Mistress not wanting me to touch myself and I have no problem with that rule.  However lately when we have had intercourse, I am ready to cum in no time.  I want to change that.  I want to be able to go as long as hard as Mistress desires without needed to stop every 10th stroke.  Her sexual satisfaction means everything to me.

I think we should be having intercourse daily.  The best part is we can still incorporate everything else we do into this way of life.  I imagine Mistress and I setting aside 10-30 minutes every day for the sole purpose of me pleasuring her.  In fact, by setting a daily requirement, we can make it my job to initiate on a daily basis.  Mistress of course decides if we proceed, but it could be up to me to do the daily initiation.

I will work on focusing on her pleasure full well knowing I will not have an orgasm.  When she is done, I am done.  If I am locked in chastity, I will be released until Mistress is completely satisfied and then I will happily go back into chastity.  If I am not in chastity I will still honor the no touching rule.

To keep me wanting and needing I still believe I should practice orgasm denial.  There is no reason we can't have sex daily with me only cumming occasionally.  Reading that blog some more, she references a study that male testosterone peaks (145% of baseline) on day 7 of not having an orgasm.  It appears that as men age, the peak takes longer.  I would agree that my peak is in the 7-12 day range.  That doesn't mean we also can't push me to new records, but all within the context of Mistress' needs being met.

This seems like a win-win to me.  Mistress will have a man that can last and last as long as she wishes.   Mistress is sexually satisfied.  I am constantly denied, and at the same time constantly reminded of what I am missing.  Mistress is in full control of my release and therefore in fill control of me.  Everything else we do can continue as D/s is still part of who I am.

Sweet Dreams

With my recent medical issues I had received some good strong pain killers.  In addition to helping with the pain, I found out that they gave me some good and crazy memorable dreams.  I don't generally remember my dreams so when I do I am pleasantly surprised.  While I was in the hospital I was understandably not interested in sexual matters, but I still managed to have some erotic dreams.

Fast forward to now.  I didn't use all of my pain killers when I was recovering, so last night I decided to see if I could get some good dreams since I was healthy and very horny.  It turns our it worked.  I was surprised how much of my dreams were focused around recent events I have been reading.

Now I did have some random dreams as well.  A talking stuffed dinosaur.  Being at a bar with my buddy and seeing the cops outside tazing robbers that looked like there were out of a 50's comedy movie.  I dreamt about getting a new dog and going on vacation.  But there were 2 dreams that stick out in my mind for their naughtiness.

The first one was right as I was falling asleep.  I was going in and out of falling asleep. I ended up dreaming that I was tied to the bed in our normal fashion.  Me spread eagle using straps from under our mattress.  I was blindfolded and heard Mistress walking around the room.  Mistress climbs on the bed and tells me to open my mouth.  I imagined she was going to put a gag or dildo into my mouth.  She tells me to open wider and very quickly shoves something into my mouth. I quickly realize this item is a semi soft ball and it's cold and wet.  Before I can react I feel Mistress slap a strip of very sticky duct tape over my mouth.  Within seconds I can taste a salty acrid taste.  I realize it's piss.  Mistress pinches my nipples hard, causing me to gasp and I bite down on the ball, and some of the piss releases into the back of my throat.  And then out of nowhere she zaps my balls with an electric device of some sort.  I actually kicked my leg in real life (I think) due to the zap in my dream.  

Mistress then tells me "you have a big porous sponge soaked in my piss in your mouth right now.  You have been talking back to me, you have been telling me I am wrong, you have been correcting me, and telling me how to do things I obviously know how to do."  "From now on, if your mouth keeps being pissy with me, I am going to keep getting pissy with your mouth."  

I wish the dream went on, but it didn't.  I have my own ideas of where it would go, but that's not the purpose of this post.

My second dream happened later after some of the dreams I listed above.  In it Mistress keeps adding things to my daily feminization routine.  Not all at once, but slowly and deliberately.  I don't know the exact order, but she started making me wear a wig whenever I was dressed (to keep me warm in the winter months).  She had me wearing fake nails that could come off and go on easily.  She added earrings, a necklace, bracelet, and anklet and a ring on my finger.  She had me wearing lipstick, clear mascara and perfume.  By the end of the dream, I would have all of the above items on my as soon as I got home from work until I left for work the next day.  From Thursday night to Tuesday morning, Mistress enforced this regimen which meant that I went 4 full days dressed as a woman.  I became an expert in walking in heels, makeup application and when I looked in the mirror, I no longer saw a man.

To sum everything up, I had a great night of dreams.  I am wondering if the recent hypnosis tracks I listened to have anything to do with what I dreamt.  

Here is the outfit I wore yesterday.  My goal is to post each day's outfit on its own page.  

  

Conflicted

When it comes to feminization, I am fairly conflicted.  Sure, I have lots of fantasies about it, and I have a fairly good wardrobe from which to chose.  However I frequently have to convince myself that being dressed is OK.

As a child I remember trying on my mother's or sister's clothes when I was so young it wasn't even sexual.  As I went through puberty I would occasionally masturbate wearing a pair of panytyose or something similar.  Often times tying myself up while doing so.  As soon as I would cum, I would be so ashamed and humiliated.  I would swear to never touch another piece of women's clothing.

When I was a teen I would steal panties from the dresser of a friend's sister, or a local store.  I would wear the panties occasionally and keep them hidden away.  Back then, my go to method of masturbating was me lying on my stomach and rubbing my cock into the mattress or a pillow.  When I got in the mood to use the panties I owned I would put them on.  I would tie my ankles together with rope, a belt or a tie.  I would then tie my knees together.  I would gag and blindfold myself and then roll onto my belly.  I would take another piece of clothing like a shirt.  I would put my wrists in the arm holes behind my back and I would twist my wrists spinning the shirt until it had my hands restrained.  I would hump the mattress and edge myself until I couldn't take it any more and would then have an orgasm.  I would be lying in my cum until I could free my arms.  Eventually I would go through the same shame and humiliation and throw everything away.

As a young adult, I started having partners that I could share my fetish with a bit.  This allowed me to re-acquire some feminine items without having to hide them too much.  It was still very mild compared to today.  But when a breakup would occur I would discard the items in shame yet again.  This was in the days before the internet, so I had no clue how widespread crossdressing was.

This cycle would repeat itself over and over.  As I got older my dressing in women's clothes got a bit more advanced.  I acquired makeup and would very occasionally dress and put on makeup.  The biggest humiliation I would experience would be if I dressed, put on makeup, tied myself up and came.  I would have major post orgasm drop, and would start to clean up.  I would see myself in the mirror with makeup that takes forever to clean up.  I would feel like such a freak of nature.  I would have clothes that would need to be hidden.  A few days later I would be ok, but it would be months before I would do this to myself again.

When I was married, my wife somewhat encouraged my dressing.  Even though she encouraged it, I hid a lot from her.  I traveled at the time.  I would frequently go on a trip and as soon as I got to my destination, I would hit a Walmart or Target and buy some pantyhose or stockings.  I would wear them out to dinner and when I was back in my room.  Those days I masturbated 2-3 times a day.  I would throw the clothes away before I got home. Several times in my marriage, she would have me dress more often, but it would ebb and flow.  I never got the feeling she really liked it.  After we split, I took every bit of kink related items to a storage unit.  If there was one thing I learned over the years, it was that this need would come back into my life.

That takes me to my current relationship.  Not long after I met Mistress I was in the storage unit getting some kinky items to show her, including clothes.  Once Mistress found out about the clothes she made me put on every single item of women's clothes I owned.  She put the clothes into 2 piles, one I could keep, the other I had to get rid of.  She said that she wanted me to be her classy and sexy girlfriend, not a tramp (although I do believe slutty occasionally has a place).  For the next few months, Mistress had me dress frequently.  When we would go out to the movies, I had to be wearing panties, garters and stockings.  When I would come over to her house she told me what to wear under my clothes.  She bought me nighties to wear at her house.  At my house we would have elaborate nights with me in full dress, makeup.  We would have dinner and drinks.  Mistress would make me pose while she took pictures of me.  Then we would have sex, frequently with her taking me with her strapon.  I felt like her girlfriend when we did that.  She allowed me to start accepting being dressed in women's clothes for the first time in my life.

Yesterday Mistress had me wear something feminine "top and bottom" under my male clothes.  I chose a pink camisole, and pink panties.  At our friend's house for brunch Mistress kept pinching my sore nipples, hitting me in the balls and reaching into my shirt to remind me of my camisole.  When we got home I started to strip so I could get back into my dress and heels.  Mistress stopped me when I was just in my panties and camisole.  She told me if I stayed that way I could skip putting the dress and heels back on.  Since I was buzzed from brunch I went with it.  Looking back, I am embarrassed that I paraded around for hours that way.

Today, I am sitting at my desk in a black and white dress with black boots.  My head's spinning after reminiscing about my past.  I am still conflicted, but I think that is a good thing.  I will never be one that wants to "show off" my dressing.  I will always be a bit reluctant to be dressed.  I am glad I don't fully enjoy being dressed.  I live for the mind-fuck.  The shame and humiliation is what does it for me.  The threat of being dressed in public.  Mistress treating me like a woman.  Seeing my feminine self in a mirror when I feel masculine puts butterflies in my stomach.

All of that being said, Mistress has assured me that she truly does enjoy seeing me dressed feminine.  That's important to me as if she didn't then this wouldn't be fun. Having her tell me that she now expects me to be dressed 24/7 at home is a great mind-fuck.  Adding shoes to my outfit made it that much more real.  If she decides to add anything else I am sure it will have the same effect.  The more she pushes the more I am in awe.

Since I am conflicted, having to decide what to wear causes me sensual stress.  I feel very controlled and erotically humiliated.  At the end of the day, I think I have the perfect balance of acceptance and reluctance and that make it work.

What I really have is the greatest Mistress a guy girl like me could have.                                

The last couple days

The last couple days have been interesting.  On Friday, Mistress texted me to tell me my post was quite naughty.  When I got home from my trip, I sat next to Mistress on the couch thinking about my post.  Inside I was slightly embarrassed but not too much.  Mistress commented that my toenails needed to be painted on Saturday.  I usually keep them painted 24/7 from October through April, but with all of my trips to the hospital she waived this requirement.  At bed time Mistress kept grabbing at my nipples asking if they hurt, and they did, perfectly so.  I did a number on them.  Her teasing was perfect.

Yesterday I woke up and painted my toenails pink.  I love having my toenails painted!  The rest of the morning found us doing our normal errand running and shopping.  In the afternoon, we played some cards.  She won the first game by a huge margin, and I won the 2nd.  We decided to add a 3rd game with a bet.  If I won, Mistress agreed to plan the best D/s scene she has ever done for me.  If Mistress won I agreed to plan the most romantic date I have ever planned.  With consequences, we both played our most competitive game ever.  In the end I won.  While I am obviously ecstatic about winning, I have come to the realization that I may end up regretting winning.  A major case of be careful what you wish for!

After playing cards we went to the hot tub. Eventually the conversation came around to our lifestyle.  Now that my health is better, Mistress instructed me that I am again to be dressed feminine 24/7 when I am at home.  When I come home from somewhere I have 30 minutes to get dressed.  If I am out of the house I have to wear something under my clothes, top and bottom.  If I go in our back yard I cannot cover up or change clothes.  If I am in the front of the house, I have to stay dressed but I can put on a robe.  Mistress also wants me to acquire additional bras to wear as they are so restrictive and uncomfortable.  I encouraged Mistress to be as cruel and strict with me as she wants to and bras seem like a good next step.

After the hot tub, I came into the house and realized I had nothing feminine to wear.  I ran upstairs and put on one of my sluttiest dresses.  I was hoping Mistress would be turned on by it.

Mistress told me it was too slutty and that she likes me in classy clothes.  She also commented that a new rule is that I now have to wear women's shoes in the house. That had previously not been required.  I think Mistress didn't require shoes before as she was being nice and didn't want my feet to hurt.  Now I believe she is taking my recent comments about being stricter to heart and has added shoes to my required uniform.  Be careful what you wish for.

When we went to bed, Mistress instructed me to put towels on the bed.  Mistress let me keep my dress on as we climbed into bed. We started having sex and I got close to the edge a little too fast.  Mistress had me use my fingers on her.  She then had me get out the lube so she could stroke my cock.  We alternated between my cock inside her, my fingers inside her, my mouth on her pussy and her stroking my cock.  When Mistress would squirt she commanded me to lick it up. Mistress got frustrated about my need to keep stopping so I didn't go over the edge.  She made comments about how I needed to start lasting longer or she would find a guy to fuck her properly.  That is the first time she has ever talked like this.  I hate to admit it, but I found the talk to be exciting.  

Mistress also scolded me for torturing myself on my trip.  She tugged at my nipples while telling me that I will be spending a night in the cage for having a scene with myself.  I begged her to lock me up right then and there.  She refused.  I knew that by writing my story, I might end up getting punished.  I guess I know I deserve it.

Mistress stated commanding me to cum.  I begged Mistress not to cum, but she was relentless.  I finally came and put a week's worth of cum into her pussy.  She commanded me to lick it out.  At first I refused and then I feared what might happen if I didn't, so I sheepishly crawled between her legs and started licking.  I don't know how much I got out of her, but I stayed there until she told me to stop.

Afterward we cleaned up, I put on my nighty and we went to sleep.  I felt like a used up slut and I loved it. 

I woke up this morning expecting to be drained.  Instead my mind instantly went to yesterday and I replayed everything over again.  It turns out I woke up as horny today as I have been in some time.  When I got out of bed I went to the spare bedroom closet, where my feminine clothes are.  I wanted to show Mistress the mood I was in.  Instead of slutty, I picked out a classy little back dress (like Marilyn Monroe's white dress, but in black.).  I am also wearing 5" black pumps with a strap.  When Mistress got up, she commented on my shoes.  It's funny.  Wearing a dress around the house doesn't affect me the way it used to, but by adding heels, I am much more self conscious.  The dress by itself I can kind of ignore, but there is no way to ignore heels.  I wonder if I will get used to heels at some point?  Either ay, I am feeling very naughty this morning!

Well I am signing off for now.  Going to hot tub with Mistress again and then go put on some naughty clothes under my male clothes to go to a friends house to watch football.

I love being a little sissy slut!

Force and Helplessness

I spent a good deal of yesterday reading blogs while waiting at the airport and on my plane.  There is one I have mentioned a few times https://msscarletuk.wordpress.com/  In their blog they chronicle the abuse she puts her slave through.  As I read I got pretty hot and bothered.  What got me going wasn't the actual activities she did to him, it's that she has him so controlled.  Now a 1-2 hour scene is hot, but she puts him through much more.  She will tie him down for 3-4 or more hours.  He can't move.  He can't see or hear anything.  She tortures his cock with stinging nettles and/or muscle cream like Icy-Hot or Tiger Balm.  I have had both on my cock and neither are something I would ask for again.  She uses those dental brushes on the inside of his cock.  She also puts a funnel gag in his mouth and puts frozen pee cubes or frozen cum cubes in the funnel so that the liquids drip slowly into his mouth for hours.  Now the worst part.  For the most part she ignores him.  She comes into the room, tortures his cock for 5-10 minutes and leaves the room.  The burning from the nettles or cream last for an hour or so and she comes back in and reapplies the torture and leaves again.  The rest of the time he is alone.  He is left to just lie there and endure and panic about her next arrival.  His cock burning.  His mouth being violated by nasty flavors for hours. I imagine his mind is a mess afterward.  I'll bet he panics the next time he starts to get tied up.

Other blogs I read have men getting their asses beat until they are in tears.  Some guys are in chastity for months.  Others are feminized 100% at home and some outside of the home. There are a few sadistic women out there and it seems to be growing in popularity.

So much of how these guys are treated scares the heck out of me, but at the same time it excites so much.  To be taken past where it's "fun" and to where it's "real".  To obey and serve not only because I want to, but because I am afraid of what will happen if I don't.  To have freedoms taken away.  To be controlled past the point of where I can pull back control.  While I am certain that it would suck in a lot of ways to be that controlled makes my head spin.

My cage experience of last month is the most I felt like I had no control.  Wearing women's clothes full time is another way that makes me do something I may not feel like doing.  I have recently started fantasizing about Mistress starting to make me do things she knows I hate just for the sake of making me do it.  Putting me in the cage for no reason.  Having me do work around the house while she supervises. Hurting my body past where it's fun for me.  Punishing just fr the sake of keeping the dynamic on place.  I'm turned on by the thought of wanting something to stop and Mistress refuses telling me that I am in too deep now for it to stop.      

There were some quotes I took away from the blog mentioned above.

He has a submissive soul. He cannot be content without being controlled and dominated. If he is treated with cruelty, that is a clear reinforcement of how helpless his situation is and it increases his sense of being controlled. He truly hates many of his punishments, my tortures, his humiliations and his endless chores.  BUT, I know his soul is content. There are little signs. Not least of which, his worship and awe of me. If your man is truly submissive (and so many are) he will never actually be truly content without true domination – be warned.

Your man needs to feel 100% helpless and trapped. This is easy to achieve. For instance, start playing some bondage games and /or dress up games. Take a photo or two. Put the photos on a flash drive/memory stick and hide it away, or just tell him you have done so. Threaten to send the photos to someone or several people he would dread receiving them. Explain you have changed fundamentally and now cannot enjoy or contemplate the relationship without being the dominant partner and so you are 100% serious. Leave him in no doubt. A submissive man will be in awe of your actions and threats, especially if he knows the threats are not idle. Other men will quickly accept the situation. Like a wolf or chimpanzee in a pack, when a man knows his place in the hierarchy he is at ease.

Begin conditioning. Men, like Pavlov’s dogs, can be conditioned over time. You can move their sense of reality. Punish infractions with punishments that he is truly frightened of and desperate to avoid. Over time, doing all the chores becomes a normal (though dull) part of his life and there is an acceptance in him that that is the way it is. The same phenomenon applies to waiting on you hand-and-foot and to his restricted sexual relief and freedom. Get a chastity device. One involving a piercing is best. You will soon begin to experience the rush of having true power over another human being. Power is a huge rush and an aphrodisiac. It has been enjoyed, as such, by men over women for millennia, now women can enjoy it and become aroused and satisfied by it too.


Begin to experiment with your cruelty and sadism. In my early years of dominance, I could not bring myself to accept that I was a sadist. I found the word to be very distasteful. I was still foolishly fettered by society’s norms and standards. But after frequent experiences of intense arousal while inflicting physical or mental pain on my bitch-boy, I accepted that I was a sadist and that I loved sadism. Perhaps it is simply that sadistic activity signifies true power and it is the power that is the aphrodisiac? I don’t know or care.

I know that this can't happen overnight.  I'm not even sure I would want the level of control that is in some of these blogs, but I sure would like to go in that direction.  In the meantime I can vicariously live through their blog.  

Depraved

I am currently on a short trip away from home for work.  The last 36 hours I have been on submissive brain overdrive.  Yesterday morning I woke up after barely sleeping.  I have a hard time sleeping when I have to catch a flight and the other night was no exception.  On top of that I planned on wearing my chastity device to see if I still have skin issues with it.  So my mind was already in a suggestive state of mind.  In addition to my chastity device I packed a nighty and a couple pairs of panties.  I got up very early yesterday and as soon as I did I put on my panties and chastity device.  I was ready for the day.

I went about the rest of my day, very aware of my device and panties.  Unfortunately, my device did cause me some issues and I have remove it about 12 hours after putting it on.  I need to try my stainless steel device and see how that goes.  Very soon!

I went out to dinner with my co-workers last night and afterward for some additional drinks.  When I got back to my hotel, I had a pretty good buzz and was horny and drunk.  I decided to torture myself. 

Now writing this down is very hard for me.  My first instinct is to hide it.  At the same time, I need to confess so to speak.  I am very ashamed about the things I did to myself, but at the same time want Mistress to know as well as readers of this blog.

When I got back to my room I stripped off all of my clothes.  I found my favorite torture device in the closet.  A coat hanger with clips on it.  I proceeded to clip the clamps to my nipples and then I hooked it to the bar on the closet.  

After about 30 seconds I decided to escalate the stakes.  I looked into my bathroom dopp kit looking for ideas.  I saw a small tube of tooth paste.  I know how it stings so I put a large dollop on my finger and spread it all over my asshole and made sure to get a liberal amount inside me.  I expected it to sting right away but it didn't sting quite yet, so I decided to up the stakes again.

I saw some flossers and came up with an idea from a blog I read.  HERE IS THE LINK  I took something similar to what is in the link and pushed it into the open tube of toothpaste. I got a liberal amount of toothpaste on the bristles and proceeded to slowly push it into the hole in the head of my cock.  WOW.  That stung quickly.  

At this time my ass started to sting. I went to the closet and put the clamps back onto my nipples.  I took the hook and pushed it into the louvers in the door, forcing myself on my tip toes.  I put my hands behind my back and proceeded to count to 100 before I released myself.  

While on my tip toes, I dreamed of Mistress being there with me.  She would come up behind me and tie my arms behind my back.  She would tell me the only way I would get out of my predicament is by pulling my nipples out of the clamps.  My cock was burning as well as my ass.  I was in drunken, horny heaven.

After I got to 100, I undid the clamps allowing blood to rush to my nipples.  Ouch!  I then told myself to remove and insert the flosser 20 times in my cock head.  It was painful, but not too much, but I think that may be due to my drunken state.

I removed the flosser and after a short rest I put the clamps back on my nipples.  I went to the closet and found a clothes iron on a shelf.  I tied the cord to the hanger that was attached to my nipples.  I put my dirty panties in my mouth like a gag (so I wouldn't scream out)  I put my hands behind my back and started to pull back from the shelf.  The iron fell off the shelf and quickly yanked the clips off of my nipples.  Fucking ouch!!!

After that I went to the bed and lied back on the bed.  I belted my thighs together with my balls behind me, and redid the hanger to my nipples.  I pulled my knees up to my chest and hooked the hanger to the belt.  I held this position for another 5 minutes putting constant pressure on my nipples.  My ass and pee hole were still stinging.  I was a horny mess.  All I could think of was Mistress torturing me.

Through all of this I didn't touch my cock in any erotic way.  It was too sore from my chastity device. 

At this point I remembered a handful of podcasts I had downloaded months ago.  I put my headphones on and picked a couple to listen to.  The podcasts are "erotic hypnosis" recordings.  I listened to them when Mistress was away on a business trip.  They didn't have much of an effect on me before but I was curious again.

It was time for bed.  I cleaned up the hangers, toothpaste and everything else.  I put on my nighty and crawled into bed.  I picked a hypnosis track that I thought was about eating cum.  It played, I got into a trance.  About 20 minutes in I realize its a track about drinking piss from my Mistress.  With the mood I was in, I was quickly aroused by this.  I'm generally not aroused by piss play, but occasionally, I am.  Last night I imagined Mistress doing this to me.

I picked one more track to listen to.  This one was about being a man and getting comfortable about being feminine.  I put it on a loop and listened.  I fell asleep listening while it played for a couple hours.  While I can't say it was the hypnosis track that did it, I am in such a feminine mood today.  Probably more feminine than I have felt in a long time.

I am sitting my my hotel chair wearing only my nighty while I complete my this post.  I am wishing my toiletries in the bathroom were feminine toiletries.  I wish I could wear feminine deodorant.  Some perfume.  Nail polish.  While I brought panties, I wish I had a bra or camisole.  I wish I had some stockings.  I wish I was fully feminized under my clothes while I travel back home to my Mistress.  

My nipples have a nice residual soreness.  I have actually pinched my nipples quite a few times while writing this.  My cock is sore, but mostly from my device.  It hurts a bit when I pee from the flosser, but in a really good way.  I think I found a new CBT technique!

Writing this post has been deliciously humiliating.  I'm actually nervous to hit the publish button.  Admitting to Mistress what I did last night puts butterfly's in my stomach.  When I look into her eyes later today I will be erotically shamed and aroused beyond belief.  

I'm back, I think...

I  have had some recent health issues that are finally coming to a resolution.  It's been nearly 2 months since they started which means our D/s lifestyle has taken a back seat.  I have been fortunate however that it hasn't been completely eliminated.

A little over 2 weeks ago I was fortunate enough to have Mistress give me a bondage session.  It was Sunday and we went to brunch.  We came home, and continued our Sunday - Funday.  I was sent upstairs to our bedroom to get the room and myself ready.  I put on my pink leather cuffs and pulled the straps out from under our bed.  I stripped, put on some music and some toys from the night stand.

I was in a particularly naughty mood and wanted to give Mistress some ideas when she got to the bedroom.  I took 2-25 clothespins and put one on each nipple and the rest on my cock and balls.  I also took our spider gag strapped it around my head to force my mouth open.  I attached both legs and one arm to the straps under the bed and pulled my blindfold down over my eyes.

Mistress came in and proceeded to tie down my remaining arm and then she went around the bed tightening the straps.  She alternated between using the Hitachi on herself, pulling off a clothespin at a time, hitting me in the balls and stroking my cock with coconut oil.  I was in absolute heaven.  The clothespins hurt, but in the right way.  The spider gag made it so I couldn't talk, it hurt in the right way and made me feel very vulnerable.  She could put anything in she wanted to in my mouth and I couldn't stop it.  It had been 48 days since my previous orgasm so I was delirious with desire when she stroked my cock and edged me.  Mistress kept asking me if I wanted to cum.  I did, but there was no way I was going to tell her.  I wanted her to keep edging me until I broke and begged her to let me cum.  Instead she forced me to have an orgasm against my will.  I was very powerful and I had a bunch of cum after such a long wait.  Mistress surprised me and scooped the cum from my orgasm and fed it to me through the ring gag.  It was disgusting, and I would have stopped it if I could, but at the same time I was thrilled Mistress was doing this to me.  I love it when she does things to me I don't like.

I was spent afterward but we spent some time in the hot tub, and some dinner and then watched some TV.  I was still worked up from such a hot scene that I initiated sex with Mistress again.  It had been a long time since I got to orgasm twice in one day.

The very next day I had to go in for another procedure and since then have been recovering.  My libido has been close to zero, but that is quickly changing.  I have been playing the scene above in my head a lot lately.  I have been fantasizing about clothespins a bit, but the spider gag much more.  I was able to get Mistress to give me some wine that she spit from her mouth into mine.  While wine or champagne are an erotic way to use the gag, my fantasies run darker.  I dream of spit, piss and lots of cum being forced into my mouth.  I think of having lemon juice, hot sauce or other irritants put into my mouth against my will.  I also fantasise about being tied in sitting or face down or locked in the dog cage and the gag forcing me to drool all over myself.

Not me, but how the gag fits

I am not 100% healed yet, but my mind is back in the game.  While I can't take a hard beating for a few more weeks, I can certainly start working on my femininity again as well as any other things Mistress wants me doing.  I am back!              

Orgasms and Tightening the screws

Toward the end of last week Mistress used me well.  2 days in a row she had me pleasuring her with my cock as long as I could stand it and then my fingers.  Mistress told me to cum both days, but I begged her to not make me cum.  She asked me how long I wanted to wait.  I told her 90-180 days. She threatened to tie me down and make me cum sometime soon.  She doesn't understand why I don't want to cum.

It's taken me a few days but I think I figured out a way to explain it.  Mistress can orgasm easily and she can orgasm multiple times.  She can orgasm multiple times several times a day.  She loves orgasms.  I too can orgasm easily.  I can only orgasm once (so far) at a time.  In many cases my libido is gone for hours to days.  Now getting super close to orgasm is the closest I can get to being multi-orgasmic.  I can get 90-95% of the feeling of an orgasm without actually having to cross the line.  I would much rather edge 20-30 times and not have an orgasm than have just one orgasm.  I get all of the benefits of an orgasm without any of the negatives.

I am starting to think of an orgasm as a punishment rather than a reward.  I am riding a wave of sexual energy that keeps me super aroused.  It keeps me focused on being subservient to my Mistress.  It makes me want to serve.  It makes me want to get naughtier and nastier.  It makes me much easier to manipulate.  If I were to cum, these things would be much harder.

In fact I imagine Mistress telling me I need to be punished.  She would tie me to the bed and make me cum without even one edge.  Then she would untie me, lock me in chastity, make me dress in women's clothes, beat my ass and then lock me in the cage.  All of that happening after a forced orgasm would be brutal for me to deal with.  I would have no libido to mentally get me through it.

Even just having a regular orgasm in the course of making love, takes me down too far.  I hate the rest I have to go through, but Mistress makes the rest happen faster.  By making me dress and serve, I can get my libido back rather fast.  I just prefer to not have to start over.

Switching topics.  Tightening the screws.  We have been making great strides in advancing our Female Led relationship.  Spending time in the cage was huge for me mentally.  On Friday Mistress added a bra, stockings and heels to my attire around the house.  I felt like an office secretary.  Mistress has also been pushing me when I slack off a bit.  Last night I was wrapping up work (still in my male clothes) and she told me dinner would be ready after I changed.  I love that she is keeping up with my tasks.  It would be easy to let things slide, but she hasn't, which I appreciate greatly.  This is becoming more and more real.

As we progress I look forward to Mistress tightening the screws on me.  I love the idea of her making me feel more and more controlled.  At bedtime every night I would get to make her orgasm multiple times while my cock is ignored.  If she doesn't like my outfit for the day, she would make me change.  She would pick my daily outfit for me.  She would add to my discomfort and humiliation whenever possible.  Making me wear a bra more often (with inserts).  Plugging my ass. Making me wear heels more often, Putting me in the cage for no reason.  Making me go outside dressed up.  Pretty much anything just to fuck with me and challenge me.  I am in such a zone that I want to endure just for the sake of enduring.  Seeing Mistress get off on making me suffer makes me so horny.

Wearing heels and a corset in the cage is a brutal idea

 

Locked in the cage

Yesterday morning when I got up, I put on a skirt and sweater and then put myself into chastity as ordered.  I got caught up on work and then went to work out.  I had to change into my feminine workout outfit as Mistress doesn't want me wearing gym clothes around the house.  She wants something more feminine and formal.  After my workout I changed back into my skirt and sweater and went back to work in my home office.  After a couple hours I had to get ready to go see my customers.  The rule is that I have to wear something feminine under my work clothes and plain panties are frowned upon.  I picked out a pair of butt enhancing thongs, but I like to call them my spanking panties.  They leave the cheeks hanging out and perfectly framed so one can target the ass cheeks.

When I got home from work I got caught up on emails.  I was about to go get dressed back into my skirt and sweater but Mistress had me go get her some wine.  I quickly ran to the store loving that she ordered me to run an errand for her when I was ready to wind down for the day.  I felt very much like a slave.  When I got home I changed into my feminine outfit and headed back downstairs.  As soon as I got downstairs Mistress announced that tonight I would be in the cage.  I got a little flustered and got an immediate erection.  I really wasn't sure if she was going to go through with this.  She told me that in addition to my current outfit she would be adding high heels to my ordeal.  I was disappointed it was only heels as I had hoped she would do something more challenging, but I accepted it.  I set off to get some heels I could wear.  I picked out some ballet boots with 7 inch heels that I can only crawl in and a pair of strappy sandals with 5.5 inch heels.  Both pairs of heels have a hole in the ankle straps that can accommodate a small padlock to make sure they stay on.  I returned with both pairs of heels and Mistress informed me that my sentence would start at 7pm.  We ate dinner and watched some TV with me knowing what was going to happen.

Pierre Silber "Ballet" 7 inch Locking 

Pierre Silber "Domina" 5 1/2 inch Sandal 

7pm came around sooner than I expected.  Mistress had me use the restroom and put on my shoes. She chose the strappy sandals so that I could walk down the basement stairs to the cage.  Very unceremoniously she told me to get in.  I knelt down and crawled in.  She closed the door, put on the padlock and clicked the lock shut.  She then left the room asking if turning the lights off would be better or worse.  I told her worse so she turned them off and left the room.  

There I was, doing something I wasn't sure would happen.  The very first thing I noticed is how the high heels made being in the cage much more difficult.  They literally took 5.5 inches that I didn't have to spare away from me.  The straps were also tightened so that I could walk in them, but they were too tight to be able to point my toes back and forth.  I had to keep my feet in a neutral position.  I had been bummed about her only choosing high heels for my ordeal but they turned out being the hardest part of it.

The first 15 minutes were easy.  So easy I spent that time imagining ways to make it harder to endure.   I immediately thought of taking one of our spiked mats made for office chairs and cutting it to fit the cage so that the spikes would point up.  I believe those spikes would make an hour feel like 4 hours.  I remembered a blog I read where a master put a women's stocking filled with ice cubes on top of the cage so cold water dripped on his slave that was bound in the cage.  I imagined being retrained in addition to the cage.  Changing positions would be impossible.  I imagined wearing my leather hood with earphones in and white noise or feminization hypnosis tracks being played nonstop.  I imagined a dildo attached to a wall of the cage for me to suck on.  I imagined wood dowels pushed through bars of the cage so that a position would be forced for as long as Mistress desired.  In the picture below the cage is wide open, but the slave can't move.

After that first 15 minutes of trying to think of ways to make the cage more uncomfortable I shifted positions.  Even though I was locked in chastity I managed to play with myself enough to give myself some erections, but nothing even close to an edge.  I wished I had a toy for my ass since my cock couldn't have any attention.  I found I could open the little latch on the front of the cage and I could put my legs out so I could stretch straight.  I also realized my head could go out of the hole.  I imagined having to kiss Mistress feet through the hole before I got released.  I figured this was cheating so I closed the door and didn't try again.

So for the rest of my time I tried to stay comfortable.  I spent 70% of my time on my back, 10% on my sides and 10% on my knees and 10% sitting as upright as the cage would allow.  The high heels really kept me from getting comfortable.  Being fully dressed in feminine wear was very erotic and humiliating for me.  I used naughty thoughts to keep myself entertained in the dark.

After what seemed to be around 90 minutes Mistress came down the stairs and into the room I was locked in.  I asked her how long I had been locked up.  She said exactly 2 hours.  I told her it didn't feel that long.  She had the keys for my heels and gave them to me.  She then unlocked the cage, told me to take off my shoes and come upstairs when I was ready.  

As much as this was intended to be a punishment, it wasn't.  I was so horny and worked up that the two hours seemed like an hour and a half or less.  I was surprised.  I expected to be a pissy belligerent slave guy.  Instead I was deep in subspace and very horny.  I think my change in mindset made that possible.  Now that is not to say that the cage can't be a perfect punishment device.  It can.  It just wasn't this time.  Mistress is planning on me sleeping in it at some time.  I'm dreading that as I don't imagine that I will be getting much sleep.

While the cage didn't turn out being a punishment I believe it was a smashing success.  Mistress did something to me I didn't really think she had in her.  On top of that I think she is now more motivated to see where we can take this relationship.  I also think she has the tools and attitude to make my life as miserable and difficult as I yearn for.  I am very much looking forward to new and wonderful tortures and humiliations.        

          

It's about control

Last night Mistress totally mindfucked me.  After we got into bed and were saying goodnight to each other, she mentioned yesterday's blog post.  I am paraphrasing here.  "Tomorrow or Thursday you will be locked in the cage in the basement"  I was stunned.  I didn't know what to say.  I asked her what that meant as I was thinking I would be locked in the cage all day while I worked.  She said "based on your blog post today, you seem to be egging me on to lock you in the cage".  "You seem to think I don't have it in me".  She went on to tell me that I will be locked up from around 7-9pm.  I won't have my phone.  She will make sure I am wearing something humiliating and/or something uncomfortable.  She also told me I will be locked in chastity as we both had a chuckle about what I would do to my cock if I had access to it.  She added that if there was one bit of negativity I would be sleeping in the extra bedroom for a week.  I like that instead of pulling back the D/s dynamic if I was pissy that she was going to double down on it.  I had an instant hard on.  Mistress told me to go to bed and she left me like that.

My head was spinning.  Her saying that just before bed was such a mind fuck  Then I started to question myself.  What kind of guy gets so turned on about being locked in a cage?  A cage I know will be brutally boring.  Then it hit me.  It's not the cage.  The cage is just a tool.  It's the loss of control.  Then I realized that every little thing I fantasize about is about control.  Whether it's bondage, chastity, a collar locked around my neck, women's clothes, humiliation, shaving, nail polish, butt plugs, cum eating, beatings, breath-play, serving my Mistress, chores and even cages, those are just tools for what I really crave, loss of control.  As I thought more about it, asking her to be meaner is just me asking to have more control taken away from me.  It even seems less mean to me when I look at it this way.

As I tried to go to sleep after her comments my mind started running through scenarios.  I tried imagining how it would look.  What would she make me wear?  I thought about having to get on my knees to be able to crawl into the cage.  I imagined the lock being clicked shut. I imagined the lights out and me sitting in the dark.  Even though I would be bored, my submissive mind would be running a million miles an hour.  Then I imagined being let out.  The humility I would feel.  Doing everything in my power to be positive about the experience.

I am excited and a little scared about being locked in the cage.  That being said, I intend to own it 100%.  Mistress is right, I have egged her on.  Not to be a pushy bottom, but because I want her to be confident doling out punishments when I deserve them.  I want her to know I am more than OK with her tightening her grip over me.  I also want to train myself to accept my fate.  By accepting punishments gracefully I can grow in my submission and serve my Mistress better.

In closing I want Mistress to know I am looking forward to a new experience.  If she wants to lock me up earlier and/or later, I will not question it.  Whatever she decides to make me wear, or make me do I will do.  I will be positive when I go in the cage, while I am in the cage and when I get out of the cage.  I will thank her for doing this for me us.  I will write a full report on my time in the cage, good and bad.  It is my intention to make this such a good experience that Mistress will be looking for reasons to lock me up!

  



    

Being meaner to someone you love.

This sums me up nicely

I sent Mistress a blog post to read that I found interesting.  She found another post it that same blog that she forwarded to me.  The post is about trying to maintain D/s in a long term relationship.  Here is the jist of the article.

"I've always found it difficult to be a good Domme to someone I love. For me, it takes a little distance to dominate someone well. But being IN love with my sub seems to make domming even more challenging for me. Cohabitation didn't help matters..."

Mistress seems to believe she has this same challenge.  She has a hard time being "mean" to me because of our closeness.  When we first started dating, Mistress came up with some pretty good and intense scenes.  She ordered me into chastity more readily.  She tied me up or dominated me in some other way almost every time we were together.  She would punish me for even being one minute late to our dates.  She would require me to be wearing panties, stocking and garters when we went to the movies.  She would text me several times a day telling me her evil thoughts.

Now dating for 6 years and living together for 5 years has us in a very comfortable relationship.  We have our routines and responsibilities that keeps us grounded.  We also get along with each other better than we have with past partners.  We both believe we are in the best relationship of our lives and wouldn't change that for anything in the world.  Now don't get me wrong.  Mistress can still be plenty mean.  She can beat the insides of my thighs until I am bruised and she can smack me in the calls until I can feel it in my stomach.  She has it in her.  I'm just hoping to get her to the next level as a sadist.  There is nothing that turns me on seeing her get dripping wet when she hurts me.

Mistress was speculating last night that if we weren't so close and familiar she thinks she could be meaner.  There just isn't a good way to test out this theory as we obviously aren't going to break up to see if she will be meaner to me.

She asked me to post to this blog the idea of having another Mistress come to our house and teach her how to be meaner to me.  For those of you reading this, please leave a comment if you have any input or ideas on this.

I can appreciate Mistress's point of view.  Our first couple of play scenes was with me dominating Mistress.  They went OK, but not great.  First off, she thought she was submissive.  I quickly helped her realize she wasn't.  When she was put in a situation that she couldn't get out of she fought back  (and not in a submissive way).  When I slapped her in the face several times, she didn't ask me to stop, but took it.  Again, not in a submissive way.  My attempt to Dom her stopped at that time and we started shifting to a female dominant relationship.

Now if Mistress kept insisting she was submissive, I would have kept going and kept trying.  So long as she was begging to be treated this way, I would push through, being sure to get both of our needs and wants met.  Would I have a harder time being "mean" after 5 or 6 years?  I don't think so.  If she wanted me to treat her badly (because she liked it), I really believe I could do it.

I don't see D/s or even intense and sadistic D/s as "mean".  To me, mean is doing something to someone with the intention of hurting them in a way that is purposefully negative.  In the context of a consensual D/s "mean" is a positive.

There are many activities in the D/s world that are barbaric to those on the outside.  Stun guns, waterboarding, breath control, needle play, cutting, branding, beatings, spanking, choking, pissing, collars, chains, rape, bondage, etc.  All of these items in a prison or a military setting are considered torture.  In the D/s world there are thousands of people worldwide that use many of these same things to have their needs met.  When done consensually a barbaric torture can be an erotic fantasy come true.

Now I can try to rationalize that treating me in bad ways makes sense, but that doesn't really address Mistress's problem of trying to be meaner to me in our day to day.  I don't want discount her insecurities as they are as real as my insecurities.  I would like for us both to push through our insecurities to take us to the next level.  Here are some random thoughts on this topic that popped up in my head about how to make this transition.  I do not intend for any of this to be topping from the bottom, merely ways to help promote dialog and set positive examples.

• Trust.  We have been together for so long I trust Mistress implicitly.  Because of this I can trust her meanness to be exactly what I need.  She can also trust that I won't ask for something I can't handle.
• Don't think of it as being mean.  A personal trainer isn't mean to his clients.  He pushes them past their comfort level and he challenges them.  Some people get sore after working out with a trainer, some even get sick because they got pushed so hard.  In the end the customer likes the experience so much they pay the trainer and schedule another appointment.  Is that mean?
• Have me be mean to myself as a demonstration.  I can be very mean to myself.  Would it help if I created a scene for Mistress to watch so she could see what I can endure?  I have dozens of self torture scenes or situations I can think of to demonstrate.
• Lock myself in the cage.  Mistress still has yet to do this to me.  I would get up early one morning or wait until she stepped out for an appointment.  I would lock myself up and toss the key out of reach and send her a picture of me locked up.  Would that help or hurt?
• Start watching porn videos or reading femdom blogs of real people.  I have collected a large library of all types of D/s movies and can recommend many blogs.  One of the things Mistress did when we first met is she watched a lot of porn and did a lot of research on D/s.  I believe that these things normalize the activities and makes mean seem not so mean.  It also gets the creative juices flowing.
• Have me find an online Domme or Dom.  Tell them our situation and have me follow their instructions while Mistress watches or participates at her comfort level.  
• Have Mistress find an online sub.  Someone she could practice on and see if distance creates an ability to be meaner.
• Some Mistress's have their slave sleep in a separate room and use a separate bathroom.  This creates the needed distance in their minds to treat their slave more slave-like.  A week as a test might be interesting
• Create different personas.  By taking on a character, you can compartmentalize the sadist from the loving partner.  I use my Sophia personality as an alternate personality to make being fully feminized more palatable.  If we ever went out in public I would be fully in my Sophia personality. 
• Find a pro-domme to mentor us.  I imagine a first appointment where I direct the torture.  I think it would a positive to see how much I would take.  From there, we could have the domme help Mistress with where she wants to take me.  I can also imagine Mistress seeing this domme dominate other men to see how common this desire to be treated badly is.
• 24, 48, 72 hours of pure D/s.  We plan a time for me to be a 100% slave.  I would have a safe word or 2, but unless I used it, Mistress could push as hard as she desires.  

In short, I would love it if Mistress were meaner.  We have all the time in the world so we can take small steps.  Just know that I am "all in".  I also want you to enjoy being meaner.  I will do whatever it takes to make that happen.

If any readers have any ideas, your comments would be appreciated.