Conflicted

When it comes to feminization, I am fairly conflicted.  Sure, I have lots of fantasies about it, and I have a fairly good wardrobe from which to chose.  However I frequently have to convince myself that being dressed is OK.

As a child I remember trying on my mother's or sister's clothes when I was so young it wasn't even sexual.  As I went through puberty I would occasionally masturbate wearing a pair of panytyose or something similar.  Often times tying myself up while doing so.  As soon as I would cum, I would be so ashamed and humiliated.  I would swear to never touch another piece of women's clothing.

When I was a teen I would steal panties from the dresser of a friend's sister, or a local store.  I would wear the panties occasionally and keep them hidden away.  Back then, my go to method of masturbating was me lying on my stomach and rubbing my cock into the mattress or a pillow.  When I got in the mood to use the panties I owned I would put them on.  I would tie my ankles together with rope, a belt or a tie.  I would then tie my knees together.  I would gag and blindfold myself and then roll onto my belly.  I would take another piece of clothing like a shirt.  I would put my wrists in the arm holes behind my back and I would twist my wrists spinning the shirt until it had my hands restrained.  I would hump the mattress and edge myself until I couldn't take it any more and would then have an orgasm.  I would be lying in my cum until I could free my arms.  Eventually I would go through the same shame and humiliation and throw everything away.

As a young adult, I started having partners that I could share my fetish with a bit.  This allowed me to re-acquire some feminine items without having to hide them too much.  It was still very mild compared to today.  But when a breakup would occur I would discard the items in shame yet again.  This was in the days before the internet, so I had no clue how widespread crossdressing was.

This cycle would repeat itself over and over.  As I got older my dressing in women's clothes got a bit more advanced.  I acquired makeup and would very occasionally dress and put on makeup.  The biggest humiliation I would experience would be if I dressed, put on makeup, tied myself up and came.  I would have major post orgasm drop, and would start to clean up.  I would see myself in the mirror with makeup that takes forever to clean up.  I would feel like such a freak of nature.  I would have clothes that would need to be hidden.  A few days later I would be ok, but it would be months before I would do this to myself again.

When I was married, my wife somewhat encouraged my dressing.  Even though she encouraged it, I hid a lot from her.  I traveled at the time.  I would frequently go on a trip and as soon as I got to my destination, I would hit a Walmart or Target and buy some pantyhose or stockings.  I would wear them out to dinner and when I was back in my room.  Those days I masturbated 2-3 times a day.  I would throw the clothes away before I got home. Several times in my marriage, she would have me dress more often, but it would ebb and flow.  I never got the feeling she really liked it.  After we split, I took every bit of kink related items to a storage unit.  If there was one thing I learned over the years, it was that this need would come back into my life.

That takes me to my current relationship.  Not long after I met Mistress I was in the storage unit getting some kinky items to show her, including clothes.  Once Mistress found out about the clothes she made me put on every single item of women's clothes I owned.  She put the clothes into 2 piles, one I could keep, the other I had to get rid of.  She said that she wanted me to be her classy and sexy girlfriend, not a tramp (although I do believe slutty occasionally has a place).  For the next few months, Mistress had me dress frequently.  When we would go out to the movies, I had to be wearing panties, garters and stockings.  When I would come over to her house she told me what to wear under my clothes.  She bought me nighties to wear at her house.  At my house we would have elaborate nights with me in full dress, makeup.  We would have dinner and drinks.  Mistress would make me pose while she took pictures of me.  Then we would have sex, frequently with her taking me with her strapon.  I felt like her girlfriend when we did that.  She allowed me to start accepting being dressed in women's clothes for the first time in my life.

Yesterday Mistress had me wear something feminine "top and bottom" under my male clothes.  I chose a pink camisole, and pink panties.  At our friend's house for brunch Mistress kept pinching my sore nipples, hitting me in the balls and reaching into my shirt to remind me of my camisole.  When we got home I started to strip so I could get back into my dress and heels.  Mistress stopped me when I was just in my panties and camisole.  She told me if I stayed that way I could skip putting the dress and heels back on.  Since I was buzzed from brunch I went with it.  Looking back, I am embarrassed that I paraded around for hours that way.

Today, I am sitting at my desk in a black and white dress with black boots.  My head's spinning after reminiscing about my past.  I am still conflicted, but I think that is a good thing.  I will never be one that wants to "show off" my dressing.  I will always be a bit reluctant to be dressed.  I am glad I don't fully enjoy being dressed.  I live for the mind-fuck.  The shame and humiliation is what does it for me.  The threat of being dressed in public.  Mistress treating me like a woman.  Seeing my feminine self in a mirror when I feel masculine puts butterflies in my stomach.

All of that being said, Mistress has assured me that she truly does enjoy seeing me dressed feminine.  That's important to me as if she didn't then this wouldn't be fun. Having her tell me that she now expects me to be dressed 24/7 at home is a great mind-fuck.  Adding shoes to my outfit made it that much more real.  If she decides to add anything else I am sure it will have the same effect.  The more she pushes the more I am in awe.

Since I am conflicted, having to decide what to wear causes me sensual stress.  I feel very controlled and erotically humiliated.  At the end of the day, I think I have the perfect balance of acceptance and reluctance and that make it work.

What I really have is the greatest Mistress a guy girl like me could have.                                

The last couple days

The last couple days have been interesting.  On Friday, Mistress texted me to tell me my post was quite naughty.  When I got home from my trip, I sat next to Mistress on the couch thinking about my post.  Inside I was slightly embarrassed but not too much.  Mistress commented that my toenails needed to be painted on Saturday.  I usually keep them painted 24/7 from October through April, but with all of my trips to the hospital she waived this requirement.  At bed time Mistress kept grabbing at my nipples asking if they hurt, and they did, perfectly so.  I did a number on them.  Her teasing was perfect.

Yesterday I woke up and painted my toenails pink.  I love having my toenails painted!  The rest of the morning found us doing our normal errand running and shopping.  In the afternoon, we played some cards.  She won the first game by a huge margin, and I won the 2nd.  We decided to add a 3rd game with a bet.  If I won, Mistress agreed to plan the best D/s scene she has ever done for me.  If Mistress won I agreed to plan the most romantic date I have ever planned.  With consequences, we both played our most competitive game ever.  In the end I won.  While I am obviously ecstatic about winning, I have come to the realization that I may end up regretting winning.  A major case of be careful what you wish for!

After playing cards we went to the hot tub. Eventually the conversation came around to our lifestyle.  Now that my health is better, Mistress instructed me that I am again to be dressed feminine 24/7 when I am at home.  When I come home from somewhere I have 30 minutes to get dressed.  If I am out of the house I have to wear something under my clothes, top and bottom.  If I go in our back yard I cannot cover up or change clothes.  If I am in the front of the house, I have to stay dressed but I can put on a robe.  Mistress also wants me to acquire additional bras to wear as they are so restrictive and uncomfortable.  I encouraged Mistress to be as cruel and strict with me as she wants to and bras seem like a good next step.

After the hot tub, I came into the house and realized I had nothing feminine to wear.  I ran upstairs and put on one of my sluttiest dresses.  I was hoping Mistress would be turned on by it.

Mistress told me it was too slutty and that she likes me in classy clothes.  She also commented that a new rule is that I now have to wear women's shoes in the house. That had previously not been required.  I think Mistress didn't require shoes before as she was being nice and didn't want my feet to hurt.  Now I believe she is taking my recent comments about being stricter to heart and has added shoes to my required uniform.  Be careful what you wish for.

When we went to bed, Mistress instructed me to put towels on the bed.  Mistress let me keep my dress on as we climbed into bed. We started having sex and I got close to the edge a little too fast.  Mistress had me use my fingers on her.  She then had me get out the lube so she could stroke my cock.  We alternated between my cock inside her, my fingers inside her, my mouth on her pussy and her stroking my cock.  When Mistress would squirt she commanded me to lick it up. Mistress got frustrated about my need to keep stopping so I didn't go over the edge.  She made comments about how I needed to start lasting longer or she would find a guy to fuck her properly.  That is the first time she has ever talked like this.  I hate to admit it, but I found the talk to be exciting.  

Mistress also scolded me for torturing myself on my trip.  She tugged at my nipples while telling me that I will be spending a night in the cage for having a scene with myself.  I begged her to lock me up right then and there.  She refused.  I knew that by writing my story, I might end up getting punished.  I guess I know I deserve it.

Mistress stated commanding me to cum.  I begged Mistress not to cum, but she was relentless.  I finally came and put a week's worth of cum into her pussy.  She commanded me to lick it out.  At first I refused and then I feared what might happen if I didn't, so I sheepishly crawled between her legs and started licking.  I don't know how much I got out of her, but I stayed there until she told me to stop.

Afterward we cleaned up, I put on my nighty and we went to sleep.  I felt like a used up slut and I loved it. 

I woke up this morning expecting to be drained.  Instead my mind instantly went to yesterday and I replayed everything over again.  It turns out I woke up as horny today as I have been in some time.  When I got out of bed I went to the spare bedroom closet, where my feminine clothes are.  I wanted to show Mistress the mood I was in.  Instead of slutty, I picked out a classy little back dress (like Marilyn Monroe's white dress, but in black.).  I am also wearing 5" black pumps with a strap.  When Mistress got up, she commented on my shoes.  It's funny.  Wearing a dress around the house doesn't affect me the way it used to, but by adding heels, I am much more self conscious.  The dress by itself I can kind of ignore, but there is no way to ignore heels.  I wonder if I will get used to heels at some point?  Either ay, I am feeling very naughty this morning!

Well I am signing off for now.  Going to hot tub with Mistress again and then go put on some naughty clothes under my male clothes to go to a friends house to watch football.

I love being a little sissy slut!

Force and Helplessness

I spent a good deal of yesterday reading blogs while waiting at the airport and on my plane.  There is one I have mentioned a few times https://msscarletuk.wordpress.com/  In their blog they chronicle the abuse she puts her slave through.  As I read I got pretty hot and bothered.  What got me going wasn't the actual activities she did to him, it's that she has him so controlled.  Now a 1-2 hour scene is hot, but she puts him through much more.  She will tie him down for 3-4 or more hours.  He can't move.  He can't see or hear anything.  She tortures his cock with stinging nettles and/or muscle cream like Icy-Hot or Tiger Balm.  I have had both on my cock and neither are something I would ask for again.  She uses those dental brushes on the inside of his cock.  She also puts a funnel gag in his mouth and puts frozen pee cubes or frozen cum cubes in the funnel so that the liquids drip slowly into his mouth for hours.  Now the worst part.  For the most part she ignores him.  She comes into the room, tortures his cock for 5-10 minutes and leaves the room.  The burning from the nettles or cream last for an hour or so and she comes back in and reapplies the torture and leaves again.  The rest of the time he is alone.  He is left to just lie there and endure and panic about her next arrival.  His cock burning.  His mouth being violated by nasty flavors for hours. I imagine his mind is a mess afterward.  I'll bet he panics the next time he starts to get tied up.

Other blogs I read have men getting their asses beat until they are in tears.  Some guys are in chastity for months.  Others are feminized 100% at home and some outside of the home. There are a few sadistic women out there and it seems to be growing in popularity.

So much of how these guys are treated scares the heck out of me, but at the same time it excites so much.  To be taken past where it's "fun" and to where it's "real".  To obey and serve not only because I want to, but because I am afraid of what will happen if I don't.  To have freedoms taken away.  To be controlled past the point of where I can pull back control.  While I am certain that it would suck in a lot of ways to be that controlled makes my head spin.

My cage experience of last month is the most I felt like I had no control.  Wearing women's clothes full time is another way that makes me do something I may not feel like doing.  I have recently started fantasizing about Mistress starting to make me do things she knows I hate just for the sake of making me do it.  Putting me in the cage for no reason.  Having me do work around the house while she supervises. Hurting my body past where it's fun for me.  Punishing just fr the sake of keeping the dynamic on place.  I'm turned on by the thought of wanting something to stop and Mistress refuses telling me that I am in too deep now for it to stop.      

There were some quotes I took away from the blog mentioned above.

He has a submissive soul. He cannot be content without being controlled and dominated. If he is treated with cruelty, that is a clear reinforcement of how helpless his situation is and it increases his sense of being controlled. He truly hates many of his punishments, my tortures, his humiliations and his endless chores.  BUT, I know his soul is content. There are little signs. Not least of which, his worship and awe of me. If your man is truly submissive (and so many are) he will never actually be truly content without true domination – be warned.

Your man needs to feel 100% helpless and trapped. This is easy to achieve. For instance, start playing some bondage games and /or dress up games. Take a photo or two. Put the photos on a flash drive/memory stick and hide it away, or just tell him you have done so. Threaten to send the photos to someone or several people he would dread receiving them. Explain you have changed fundamentally and now cannot enjoy or contemplate the relationship without being the dominant partner and so you are 100% serious. Leave him in no doubt. A submissive man will be in awe of your actions and threats, especially if he knows the threats are not idle. Other men will quickly accept the situation. Like a wolf or chimpanzee in a pack, when a man knows his place in the hierarchy he is at ease.

Begin conditioning. Men, like Pavlov’s dogs, can be conditioned over time. You can move their sense of reality. Punish infractions with punishments that he is truly frightened of and desperate to avoid. Over time, doing all the chores becomes a normal (though dull) part of his life and there is an acceptance in him that that is the way it is. The same phenomenon applies to waiting on you hand-and-foot and to his restricted sexual relief and freedom. Get a chastity device. One involving a piercing is best. You will soon begin to experience the rush of having true power over another human being. Power is a huge rush and an aphrodisiac. It has been enjoyed, as such, by men over women for millennia, now women can enjoy it and become aroused and satisfied by it too.


Begin to experiment with your cruelty and sadism. In my early years of dominance, I could not bring myself to accept that I was a sadist. I found the word to be very distasteful. I was still foolishly fettered by society’s norms and standards. But after frequent experiences of intense arousal while inflicting physical or mental pain on my bitch-boy, I accepted that I was a sadist and that I loved sadism. Perhaps it is simply that sadistic activity signifies true power and it is the power that is the aphrodisiac? I don’t know or care.

I know that this can't happen overnight.  I'm not even sure I would want the level of control that is in some of these blogs, but I sure would like to go in that direction.  In the meantime I can vicariously live through their blog.  

Depraved

I am currently on a short trip away from home for work.  The last 36 hours I have been on submissive brain overdrive.  Yesterday morning I woke up after barely sleeping.  I have a hard time sleeping when I have to catch a flight and the other night was no exception.  On top of that I planned on wearing my chastity device to see if I still have skin issues with it.  So my mind was already in a suggestive state of mind.  In addition to my chastity device I packed a nighty and a couple pairs of panties.  I got up very early yesterday and as soon as I did I put on my panties and chastity device.  I was ready for the day.

I went about the rest of my day, very aware of my device and panties.  Unfortunately, my device did cause me some issues and I have remove it about 12 hours after putting it on.  I need to try my stainless steel device and see how that goes.  Very soon!

I went out to dinner with my co-workers last night and afterward for some additional drinks.  When I got back to my hotel, I had a pretty good buzz and was horny and drunk.  I decided to torture myself. 

Now writing this down is very hard for me.  My first instinct is to hide it.  At the same time, I need to confess so to speak.  I am very ashamed about the things I did to myself, but at the same time want Mistress to know as well as readers of this blog.

When I got back to my room I stripped off all of my clothes.  I found my favorite torture device in the closet.  A coat hanger with clips on it.  I proceeded to clip the clamps to my nipples and then I hooked it to the bar on the closet.  

After about 30 seconds I decided to escalate the stakes.  I looked into my bathroom dopp kit looking for ideas.  I saw a small tube of tooth paste.  I know how it stings so I put a large dollop on my finger and spread it all over my asshole and made sure to get a liberal amount inside me.  I expected it to sting right away but it didn't sting quite yet, so I decided to up the stakes again.

I saw some flossers and came up with an idea from a blog I read.  HERE IS THE LINK  I took something similar to what is in the link and pushed it into the open tube of toothpaste. I got a liberal amount of toothpaste on the bristles and proceeded to slowly push it into the hole in the head of my cock.  WOW.  That stung quickly.  

At this time my ass started to sting. I went to the closet and put the clamps back onto my nipples.  I took the hook and pushed it into the louvers in the door, forcing myself on my tip toes.  I put my hands behind my back and proceeded to count to 100 before I released myself.  

While on my tip toes, I dreamed of Mistress being there with me.  She would come up behind me and tie my arms behind my back.  She would tell me the only way I would get out of my predicament is by pulling my nipples out of the clamps.  My cock was burning as well as my ass.  I was in drunken, horny heaven.

After I got to 100, I undid the clamps allowing blood to rush to my nipples.  Ouch!  I then told myself to remove and insert the flosser 20 times in my cock head.  It was painful, but not too much, but I think that may be due to my drunken state.

I removed the flosser and after a short rest I put the clamps back on my nipples.  I went to the closet and found a clothes iron on a shelf.  I tied the cord to the hanger that was attached to my nipples.  I put my dirty panties in my mouth like a gag (so I wouldn't scream out)  I put my hands behind my back and started to pull back from the shelf.  The iron fell off the shelf and quickly yanked the clips off of my nipples.  Fucking ouch!!!

After that I went to the bed and lied back on the bed.  I belted my thighs together with my balls behind me, and redid the hanger to my nipples.  I pulled my knees up to my chest and hooked the hanger to the belt.  I held this position for another 5 minutes putting constant pressure on my nipples.  My ass and pee hole were still stinging.  I was a horny mess.  All I could think of was Mistress torturing me.

Through all of this I didn't touch my cock in any erotic way.  It was too sore from my chastity device. 

At this point I remembered a handful of podcasts I had downloaded months ago.  I put my headphones on and picked a couple to listen to.  The podcasts are "erotic hypnosis" recordings.  I listened to them when Mistress was away on a business trip.  They didn't have much of an effect on me before but I was curious again.

It was time for bed.  I cleaned up the hangers, toothpaste and everything else.  I put on my nighty and crawled into bed.  I picked a hypnosis track that I thought was about eating cum.  It played, I got into a trance.  About 20 minutes in I realize its a track about drinking piss from my Mistress.  With the mood I was in, I was quickly aroused by this.  I'm generally not aroused by piss play, but occasionally, I am.  Last night I imagined Mistress doing this to me.

I picked one more track to listen to.  This one was about being a man and getting comfortable about being feminine.  I put it on a loop and listened.  I fell asleep listening while it played for a couple hours.  While I can't say it was the hypnosis track that did it, I am in such a feminine mood today.  Probably more feminine than I have felt in a long time.

I am sitting my my hotel chair wearing only my nighty while I complete my this post.  I am wishing my toiletries in the bathroom were feminine toiletries.  I wish I could wear feminine deodorant.  Some perfume.  Nail polish.  While I brought panties, I wish I had a bra or camisole.  I wish I had some stockings.  I wish I was fully feminized under my clothes while I travel back home to my Mistress.  

My nipples have a nice residual soreness.  I have actually pinched my nipples quite a few times while writing this.  My cock is sore, but mostly from my device.  It hurts a bit when I pee from the flosser, but in a really good way.  I think I found a new CBT technique!

Writing this post has been deliciously humiliating.  I'm actually nervous to hit the publish button.  Admitting to Mistress what I did last night puts butterfly's in my stomach.  When I look into her eyes later today I will be erotically shamed and aroused beyond belief.  

I'm back, I think...

I  have had some recent health issues that are finally coming to a resolution.  It's been nearly 2 months since they started which means our D/s lifestyle has taken a back seat.  I have been fortunate however that it hasn't been completely eliminated.

A little over 2 weeks ago I was fortunate enough to have Mistress give me a bondage session.  It was Sunday and we went to brunch.  We came home, and continued our Sunday - Funday.  I was sent upstairs to our bedroom to get the room and myself ready.  I put on my pink leather cuffs and pulled the straps out from under our bed.  I stripped, put on some music and some toys from the night stand.

I was in a particularly naughty mood and wanted to give Mistress some ideas when she got to the bedroom.  I took 2-25 clothespins and put one on each nipple and the rest on my cock and balls.  I also took our spider gag strapped it around my head to force my mouth open.  I attached both legs and one arm to the straps under the bed and pulled my blindfold down over my eyes.

Mistress came in and proceeded to tie down my remaining arm and then she went around the bed tightening the straps.  She alternated between using the Hitachi on herself, pulling off a clothespin at a time, hitting me in the balls and stroking my cock with coconut oil.  I was in absolute heaven.  The clothespins hurt, but in the right way.  The spider gag made it so I couldn't talk, it hurt in the right way and made me feel very vulnerable.  She could put anything in she wanted to in my mouth and I couldn't stop it.  It had been 48 days since my previous orgasm so I was delirious with desire when she stroked my cock and edged me.  Mistress kept asking me if I wanted to cum.  I did, but there was no way I was going to tell her.  I wanted her to keep edging me until I broke and begged her to let me cum.  Instead she forced me to have an orgasm against my will.  I was very powerful and I had a bunch of cum after such a long wait.  Mistress surprised me and scooped the cum from my orgasm and fed it to me through the ring gag.  It was disgusting, and I would have stopped it if I could, but at the same time I was thrilled Mistress was doing this to me.  I love it when she does things to me I don't like.

I was spent afterward but we spent some time in the hot tub, and some dinner and then watched some TV.  I was still worked up from such a hot scene that I initiated sex with Mistress again.  It had been a long time since I got to orgasm twice in one day.

The very next day I had to go in for another procedure and since then have been recovering.  My libido has been close to zero, but that is quickly changing.  I have been playing the scene above in my head a lot lately.  I have been fantasizing about clothespins a bit, but the spider gag much more.  I was able to get Mistress to give me some wine that she spit from her mouth into mine.  While wine or champagne are an erotic way to use the gag, my fantasies run darker.  I dream of spit, piss and lots of cum being forced into my mouth.  I think of having lemon juice, hot sauce or other irritants put into my mouth against my will.  I also fantasise about being tied in sitting or face down or locked in the dog cage and the gag forcing me to drool all over myself.

Not me, but how the gag fits

I am not 100% healed yet, but my mind is back in the game.  While I can't take a hard beating for a few more weeks, I can certainly start working on my femininity again as well as any other things Mistress wants me doing.  I am back!              

Orgasms and Tightening the screws

Toward the end of last week Mistress used me well.  2 days in a row she had me pleasuring her with my cock as long as I could stand it and then my fingers.  Mistress told me to cum both days, but I begged her to not make me cum.  She asked me how long I wanted to wait.  I told her 90-180 days. She threatened to tie me down and make me cum sometime soon.  She doesn't understand why I don't want to cum.

It's taken me a few days but I think I figured out a way to explain it.  Mistress can orgasm easily and she can orgasm multiple times.  She can orgasm multiple times several times a day.  She loves orgasms.  I too can orgasm easily.  I can only orgasm once (so far) at a time.  In many cases my libido is gone for hours to days.  Now getting super close to orgasm is the closest I can get to being multi-orgasmic.  I can get 90-95% of the feeling of an orgasm without actually having to cross the line.  I would much rather edge 20-30 times and not have an orgasm than have just one orgasm.  I get all of the benefits of an orgasm without any of the negatives.

I am starting to think of an orgasm as a punishment rather than a reward.  I am riding a wave of sexual energy that keeps me super aroused.  It keeps me focused on being subservient to my Mistress.  It makes me want to serve.  It makes me want to get naughtier and nastier.  It makes me much easier to manipulate.  If I were to cum, these things would be much harder.

In fact I imagine Mistress telling me I need to be punished.  She would tie me to the bed and make me cum without even one edge.  Then she would untie me, lock me in chastity, make me dress in women's clothes, beat my ass and then lock me in the cage.  All of that happening after a forced orgasm would be brutal for me to deal with.  I would have no libido to mentally get me through it.

Even just having a regular orgasm in the course of making love, takes me down too far.  I hate the rest I have to go through, but Mistress makes the rest happen faster.  By making me dress and serve, I can get my libido back rather fast.  I just prefer to not have to start over.

Switching topics.  Tightening the screws.  We have been making great strides in advancing our Female Led relationship.  Spending time in the cage was huge for me mentally.  On Friday Mistress added a bra, stockings and heels to my attire around the house.  I felt like an office secretary.  Mistress has also been pushing me when I slack off a bit.  Last night I was wrapping up work (still in my male clothes) and she told me dinner would be ready after I changed.  I love that she is keeping up with my tasks.  It would be easy to let things slide, but she hasn't, which I appreciate greatly.  This is becoming more and more real.

As we progress I look forward to Mistress tightening the screws on me.  I love the idea of her making me feel more and more controlled.  At bedtime every night I would get to make her orgasm multiple times while my cock is ignored.  If she doesn't like my outfit for the day, she would make me change.  She would pick my daily outfit for me.  She would add to my discomfort and humiliation whenever possible.  Making me wear a bra more often (with inserts).  Plugging my ass. Making me wear heels more often, Putting me in the cage for no reason.  Making me go outside dressed up.  Pretty much anything just to fuck with me and challenge me.  I am in such a zone that I want to endure just for the sake of enduring.  Seeing Mistress get off on making me suffer makes me so horny.

Wearing heels and a corset in the cage is a brutal idea

 

Locked in the cage

Yesterday morning when I got up, I put on a skirt and sweater and then put myself into chastity as ordered.  I got caught up on work and then went to work out.  I had to change into my feminine workout outfit as Mistress doesn't want me wearing gym clothes around the house.  She wants something more feminine and formal.  After my workout I changed back into my skirt and sweater and went back to work in my home office.  After a couple hours I had to get ready to go see my customers.  The rule is that I have to wear something feminine under my work clothes and plain panties are frowned upon.  I picked out a pair of butt enhancing thongs, but I like to call them my spanking panties.  They leave the cheeks hanging out and perfectly framed so one can target the ass cheeks.

When I got home from work I got caught up on emails.  I was about to go get dressed back into my skirt and sweater but Mistress had me go get her some wine.  I quickly ran to the store loving that she ordered me to run an errand for her when I was ready to wind down for the day.  I felt very much like a slave.  When I got home I changed into my feminine outfit and headed back downstairs.  As soon as I got downstairs Mistress announced that tonight I would be in the cage.  I got a little flustered and got an immediate erection.  I really wasn't sure if she was going to go through with this.  She told me that in addition to my current outfit she would be adding high heels to my ordeal.  I was disappointed it was only heels as I had hoped she would do something more challenging, but I accepted it.  I set off to get some heels I could wear.  I picked out some ballet boots with 7 inch heels that I can only crawl in and a pair of strappy sandals with 5.5 inch heels.  Both pairs of heels have a hole in the ankle straps that can accommodate a small padlock to make sure they stay on.  I returned with both pairs of heels and Mistress informed me that my sentence would start at 7pm.  We ate dinner and watched some TV with me knowing what was going to happen.

Pierre Silber "Ballet" 7 inch Locking 

Pierre Silber "Domina" 5 1/2 inch Sandal 

7pm came around sooner than I expected.  Mistress had me use the restroom and put on my shoes. She chose the strappy sandals so that I could walk down the basement stairs to the cage.  Very unceremoniously she told me to get in.  I knelt down and crawled in.  She closed the door, put on the padlock and clicked the lock shut.  She then left the room asking if turning the lights off would be better or worse.  I told her worse so she turned them off and left the room.  

There I was, doing something I wasn't sure would happen.  The very first thing I noticed is how the high heels made being in the cage much more difficult.  They literally took 5.5 inches that I didn't have to spare away from me.  The straps were also tightened so that I could walk in them, but they were too tight to be able to point my toes back and forth.  I had to keep my feet in a neutral position.  I had been bummed about her only choosing high heels for my ordeal but they turned out being the hardest part of it.

The first 15 minutes were easy.  So easy I spent that time imagining ways to make it harder to endure.   I immediately thought of taking one of our spiked mats made for office chairs and cutting it to fit the cage so that the spikes would point up.  I believe those spikes would make an hour feel like 4 hours.  I remembered a blog I read where a master put a women's stocking filled with ice cubes on top of the cage so cold water dripped on his slave that was bound in the cage.  I imagined being retrained in addition to the cage.  Changing positions would be impossible.  I imagined wearing my leather hood with earphones in and white noise or feminization hypnosis tracks being played nonstop.  I imagined a dildo attached to a wall of the cage for me to suck on.  I imagined wood dowels pushed through bars of the cage so that a position would be forced for as long as Mistress desired.  In the picture below the cage is wide open, but the slave can't move.

After that first 15 minutes of trying to think of ways to make the cage more uncomfortable I shifted positions.  Even though I was locked in chastity I managed to play with myself enough to give myself some erections, but nothing even close to an edge.  I wished I had a toy for my ass since my cock couldn't have any attention.  I found I could open the little latch on the front of the cage and I could put my legs out so I could stretch straight.  I also realized my head could go out of the hole.  I imagined having to kiss Mistress feet through the hole before I got released.  I figured this was cheating so I closed the door and didn't try again.

So for the rest of my time I tried to stay comfortable.  I spent 70% of my time on my back, 10% on my sides and 10% on my knees and 10% sitting as upright as the cage would allow.  The high heels really kept me from getting comfortable.  Being fully dressed in feminine wear was very erotic and humiliating for me.  I used naughty thoughts to keep myself entertained in the dark.

After what seemed to be around 90 minutes Mistress came down the stairs and into the room I was locked in.  I asked her how long I had been locked up.  She said exactly 2 hours.  I told her it didn't feel that long.  She had the keys for my heels and gave them to me.  She then unlocked the cage, told me to take off my shoes and come upstairs when I was ready.  

As much as this was intended to be a punishment, it wasn't.  I was so horny and worked up that the two hours seemed like an hour and a half or less.  I was surprised.  I expected to be a pissy belligerent slave guy.  Instead I was deep in subspace and very horny.  I think my change in mindset made that possible.  Now that is not to say that the cage can't be a perfect punishment device.  It can.  It just wasn't this time.  Mistress is planning on me sleeping in it at some time.  I'm dreading that as I don't imagine that I will be getting much sleep.

While the cage didn't turn out being a punishment I believe it was a smashing success.  Mistress did something to me I didn't really think she had in her.  On top of that I think she is now more motivated to see where we can take this relationship.  I also think she has the tools and attitude to make my life as miserable and difficult as I yearn for.  I am very much looking forward to new and wonderful tortures and humiliations.        

          

It's about control

Last night Mistress totally mindfucked me.  After we got into bed and were saying goodnight to each other, she mentioned yesterday's blog post.  I am paraphrasing here.  "Tomorrow or Thursday you will be locked in the cage in the basement"  I was stunned.  I didn't know what to say.  I asked her what that meant as I was thinking I would be locked in the cage all day while I worked.  She said "based on your blog post today, you seem to be egging me on to lock you in the cage".  "You seem to think I don't have it in me".  She went on to tell me that I will be locked up from around 7-9pm.  I won't have my phone.  She will make sure I am wearing something humiliating and/or something uncomfortable.  She also told me I will be locked in chastity as we both had a chuckle about what I would do to my cock if I had access to it.  She added that if there was one bit of negativity I would be sleeping in the extra bedroom for a week.  I like that instead of pulling back the D/s dynamic if I was pissy that she was going to double down on it.  I had an instant hard on.  Mistress told me to go to bed and she left me like that.

My head was spinning.  Her saying that just before bed was such a mind fuck  Then I started to question myself.  What kind of guy gets so turned on about being locked in a cage?  A cage I know will be brutally boring.  Then it hit me.  It's not the cage.  The cage is just a tool.  It's the loss of control.  Then I realized that every little thing I fantasize about is about control.  Whether it's bondage, chastity, a collar locked around my neck, women's clothes, humiliation, shaving, nail polish, butt plugs, cum eating, beatings, breath-play, serving my Mistress, chores and even cages, those are just tools for what I really crave, loss of control.  As I thought more about it, asking her to be meaner is just me asking to have more control taken away from me.  It even seems less mean to me when I look at it this way.

As I tried to go to sleep after her comments my mind started running through scenarios.  I tried imagining how it would look.  What would she make me wear?  I thought about having to get on my knees to be able to crawl into the cage.  I imagined the lock being clicked shut. I imagined the lights out and me sitting in the dark.  Even though I would be bored, my submissive mind would be running a million miles an hour.  Then I imagined being let out.  The humility I would feel.  Doing everything in my power to be positive about the experience.

I am excited and a little scared about being locked in the cage.  That being said, I intend to own it 100%.  Mistress is right, I have egged her on.  Not to be a pushy bottom, but because I want her to be confident doling out punishments when I deserve them.  I want her to know I am more than OK with her tightening her grip over me.  I also want to train myself to accept my fate.  By accepting punishments gracefully I can grow in my submission and serve my Mistress better.

In closing I want Mistress to know I am looking forward to a new experience.  If she wants to lock me up earlier and/or later, I will not question it.  Whatever she decides to make me wear, or make me do I will do.  I will be positive when I go in the cage, while I am in the cage and when I get out of the cage.  I will thank her for doing this for me us.  I will write a full report on my time in the cage, good and bad.  It is my intention to make this such a good experience that Mistress will be looking for reasons to lock me up!

  



    

Being meaner to someone you love.

This sums me up nicely

I sent Mistress a blog post to read that I found interesting.  She found another post it that same blog that she forwarded to me.  The post is about trying to maintain D/s in a long term relationship.  Here is the jist of the article.

"I've always found it difficult to be a good Domme to someone I love. For me, it takes a little distance to dominate someone well. But being IN love with my sub seems to make domming even more challenging for me. Cohabitation didn't help matters..."

Mistress seems to believe she has this same challenge.  She has a hard time being "mean" to me because of our closeness.  When we first started dating, Mistress came up with some pretty good and intense scenes.  She ordered me into chastity more readily.  She tied me up or dominated me in some other way almost every time we were together.  She would punish me for even being one minute late to our dates.  She would require me to be wearing panties, stocking and garters when we went to the movies.  She would text me several times a day telling me her evil thoughts.

Now dating for 6 years and living together for 5 years has us in a very comfortable relationship.  We have our routines and responsibilities that keeps us grounded.  We also get along with each other better than we have with past partners.  We both believe we are in the best relationship of our lives and wouldn't change that for anything in the world.  Now don't get me wrong.  Mistress can still be plenty mean.  She can beat the insides of my thighs until I am bruised and she can smack me in the calls until I can feel it in my stomach.  She has it in her.  I'm just hoping to get her to the next level as a sadist.  There is nothing that turns me on seeing her get dripping wet when she hurts me.

Mistress was speculating last night that if we weren't so close and familiar she thinks she could be meaner.  There just isn't a good way to test out this theory as we obviously aren't going to break up to see if she will be meaner to me.

She asked me to post to this blog the idea of having another Mistress come to our house and teach her how to be meaner to me.  For those of you reading this, please leave a comment if you have any input or ideas on this.

I can appreciate Mistress's point of view.  Our first couple of play scenes was with me dominating Mistress.  They went OK, but not great.  First off, she thought she was submissive.  I quickly helped her realize she wasn't.  When she was put in a situation that she couldn't get out of she fought back  (and not in a submissive way).  When I slapped her in the face several times, she didn't ask me to stop, but took it.  Again, not in a submissive way.  My attempt to Dom her stopped at that time and we started shifting to a female dominant relationship.

Now if Mistress kept insisting she was submissive, I would have kept going and kept trying.  So long as she was begging to be treated this way, I would push through, being sure to get both of our needs and wants met.  Would I have a harder time being "mean" after 5 or 6 years?  I don't think so.  If she wanted me to treat her badly (because she liked it), I really believe I could do it.

I don't see D/s or even intense and sadistic D/s as "mean".  To me, mean is doing something to someone with the intention of hurting them in a way that is purposefully negative.  In the context of a consensual D/s "mean" is a positive.

There are many activities in the D/s world that are barbaric to those on the outside.  Stun guns, waterboarding, breath control, needle play, cutting, branding, beatings, spanking, choking, pissing, collars, chains, rape, bondage, etc.  All of these items in a prison or a military setting are considered torture.  In the D/s world there are thousands of people worldwide that use many of these same things to have their needs met.  When done consensually a barbaric torture can be an erotic fantasy come true.

Now I can try to rationalize that treating me in bad ways makes sense, but that doesn't really address Mistress's problem of trying to be meaner to me in our day to day.  I don't want discount her insecurities as they are as real as my insecurities.  I would like for us both to push through our insecurities to take us to the next level.  Here are some random thoughts on this topic that popped up in my head about how to make this transition.  I do not intend for any of this to be topping from the bottom, merely ways to help promote dialog and set positive examples.

• Trust.  We have been together for so long I trust Mistress implicitly.  Because of this I can trust her meanness to be exactly what I need.  She can also trust that I won't ask for something I can't handle.
• Don't think of it as being mean.  A personal trainer isn't mean to his clients.  He pushes them past their comfort level and he challenges them.  Some people get sore after working out with a trainer, some even get sick because they got pushed so hard.  In the end the customer likes the experience so much they pay the trainer and schedule another appointment.  Is that mean?
• Have me be mean to myself as a demonstration.  I can be very mean to myself.  Would it help if I created a scene for Mistress to watch so she could see what I can endure?  I have dozens of self torture scenes or situations I can think of to demonstrate.
• Lock myself in the cage.  Mistress still has yet to do this to me.  I would get up early one morning or wait until she stepped out for an appointment.  I would lock myself up and toss the key out of reach and send her a picture of me locked up.  Would that help or hurt?
• Start watching porn videos or reading femdom blogs of real people.  I have collected a large library of all types of D/s movies and can recommend many blogs.  One of the things Mistress did when we first met is she watched a lot of porn and did a lot of research on D/s.  I believe that these things normalize the activities and makes mean seem not so mean.  It also gets the creative juices flowing.
• Have me find an online Domme or Dom.  Tell them our situation and have me follow their instructions while Mistress watches or participates at her comfort level.  
• Have Mistress find an online sub.  Someone she could practice on and see if distance creates an ability to be meaner.
• Some Mistress's have their slave sleep in a separate room and use a separate bathroom.  This creates the needed distance in their minds to treat their slave more slave-like.  A week as a test might be interesting
• Create different personas.  By taking on a character, you can compartmentalize the sadist from the loving partner.  I use my Sophia personality as an alternate personality to make being fully feminized more palatable.  If we ever went out in public I would be fully in my Sophia personality. 
• Find a pro-domme to mentor us.  I imagine a first appointment where I direct the torture.  I think it would a positive to see how much I would take.  From there, we could have the domme help Mistress with where she wants to take me.  I can also imagine Mistress seeing this domme dominate other men to see how common this desire to be treated badly is.
• 24, 48, 72 hours of pure D/s.  We plan a time for me to be a 100% slave.  I would have a safe word or 2, but unless I used it, Mistress could push as hard as she desires.  

In short, I would love it if Mistress were meaner.  We have all the time in the world so we can take small steps.  Just know that I am "all in".  I also want you to enjoy being meaner.  I will do whatever it takes to make that happen.

If any readers have any ideas, your comments would be appreciated.  

Used the way I should be

Yesterday Mistress finally used her sex slave the way he should be used.  The focus was on her and her orgasms.  We started with me on top inside of Mistress.  It had been 4 weeks since I had been inside her so I was ready to cum after about 90 seconds when Mistress had her first orgasm.  For Mistress' next orgasm I had to use my fingers inside her.  Mistress had me kneel by her side so she could stroke my cock while I fingered her.

Mistress had a couple more orgasms and she could barely stroke me 10 or so times before I was pulling away from her expert hand.  I put my cock back inside her and begged her not to let make me orgasm.  I told her how I want to denied orgsms for so long that I agree to do the most debased things she can think of.  How I want to be overwhelmed with desire and be used and abused.

Mistress had me get the Hitachi and she started playing with herself.  She told me to stop touching her and to stroke my cock.  I was warned that any cum that escapes my cock needed to be licked up.  Well that did it and I had a couple teaspoons drip out.  I quickly scooped them up with my fingers and went back to stroking.  I could only manage about 6 strokes each time before I had to stop myself.  Mistress alternated between giving herself orgams and having me do it.  Then Mistress started talking about bringing another woman into the bedroom.  I moaned.  She tentatively started to mention bringing a man in and I told her I was now at a place in our relationship where she could start teasing and talking about bringing a man into our world.  Mistress mentioned a guy sucking my cock, and then having me suck him off instead. This is still a hard limit for me, but I see no harm in bringing the discussion into our world if for no other reason than to push buttons.   Maybe someday my stance will change.

I pulled my hand away from my cock to avoid getting too close to the edge.  Within seconds I felt a pulse and before I know it my cock was dripping cum.  Then cum was boiling out of my cock and down the shaft.  A lot of cum.  I reached down and started scooping the cum into my mouth.  It took several attempts to get it all.  Overall it wasn't too bad but a couple globs made me think twice about what I was doing.  I think I can be safe saying that it's the most cum I have ever eaten - so far.  After I cooled down a bit I put my cock back inside Mistress and fucked her trying to get myself close to orgasm.  At this point my body and subconscious mind wanted an orgasm even if my submissive mind didn't want one.  But it didn't happen. I came too much to have an orgasm.  I could have kept fucking Mistress, but our room got too hot and Mistress was worn out from many gushing orgasms.  At the time I denied it, but now I can say for sure I had a ruined orgasm.  I don't think I could have made it any more ruined if I tried.

I got up and got dressed in some women's clothes.  For the next few hours I had that common let down from cumming.  I was feeling insecure and felt "off".  However it didn't last long.  Being forced back into my feminine role immediately was the best thing I could have done.  By bedtime I was getting my desperation back.  I picked out a nighty I never pick for myself as it has padded inserts.  I was ready to be back to a sissy slut.  I fell asleep replaying the day in my mind.  I relished the idea of Mistress using me the way she did with no guilt.  I thought about us doing this more frequently so that I can be trained to please her better and trained to hold back better.  I smiled as I thought about how eagerly I cleaned up my cum and how good it made me feel obey her unconditionally.

By morning I woke up with a massive hard on.  Whatever drop I had last night is long gone.  I was excited to get up and put on my feminine work out clothes.  I am working from home today and am feeling particularly naughty.  As I play back yesterday in my mind, I wouldn't change a thing except maybe not ruining my orgasm. I get turned on thinking about how I am a cum swallowing, sissy slave for my Mistress.  A slut to be used and abused for her pleasure.  I am in my happy place.  

I thought it would never stop

No touching

When I was younger I was a prolific masturbator.  I would cum 1st thing in the morning and last thing before bed.  If I was in a particular mood, I might cum a 3rd or 4th time.  Before I was married a woman online had me masturbate every hour for an entire day, I managed 6 times before I couldn't do it anymore.    This behavior carried on into my previous marriage.  I traveled a lot and would cum at least 3 times day.  When I was at home I would sneak off into the bathroom and rub one out and on vacation I would do the same.  Needless to say I had little energy for her.

The last few years of my previous marriage, I started to embrace not cumming.  We practiced some chastity, and I even managed to go a record 75 days without an orgasm at one point.  The problem was that now I had a ton of sexual energy, but no outlet for it as my ex was less than interested since it wasn't 'vanilla' sexual energy.

I have been with my current partner, Mistress and future wife for 6 years.  I embrace not cumming more than ever.  In fact, I am begging Mistress to not make me cum anytime soon.  During this time we have explored several ways of how to handle me pleasuring myself.  I have never been allowed to orgasm without permission.  However me touching myself has had many iterations.  From zero touching, to being locked in chastity, to being allowed to edge, to being forced to edge each morning, we have tried it all.  Our most recent agreement was that I can edge, but if anything drips out, I have to eat it.  That has greatly curtailed my edging and as well as how close to the edge I allow myself to get.  

Yesterday I was told that we are back to the no touching rule.  It's been so long that I forgot.  This morning I woke up with a major hard on and in my grogginess managed to give myself one stroke up and down before I remembered.  I did stop with that one stroke.  That being said, I want to touch myself now more than ever.  It's true, you want what you can't have.  I half joked that if she didn't lock me in chastity that I was going to have to lock myself up just to avoid the temptation.

I am loving how Mistress is getting more comfortable adding to my situation.  From making me wear women's clothes to the no touching rule to adding protocols, I am yearning for her to keep getting stricter and meaner.  I shudder just thinking about it.  

  

     

Fucking Machine

A reader left a comment asking me to review our fucking machine.  In truth I can't give it much of a review as we use it so little it's criminal.  The one we own is the Hugher Fucking Machine.  We own an older one that is on the site which kind of sucks as the motor sits beside our unit vs on the unit as they are now.  As far as the machine itself, it's the best one I could find.  You can pretty much make it do anything you want.  Most machines are just back and forth at varying speeds.  This one can go in one inch at a time and then pull out in a flash.  It can go in super slow and then pull out.  It can be completely random.  You can also change the length of the stroke (on the fly) and the deoth when in and when out.  It can fuck hard enough that it I have to weigh the stand down to keep it from bucking.

As I said we have hardly used it and we have never used it together.  I know of one time Mistress used it and she said she gushed like crazy.  She may have used it more often, but if she did, I don't know about it.  I like to think of her using it all the time and teasing me about it.

I used it once when we got it about 5 years ago under Mistress' orders.  I hadn't used it ever again until about 8 months ago.  Mistress went on a business trip and I wanted to try a couple things.  I was locked in chastity while she was out of town so edging or masturbating was off the table.  I have a huge fantasy of being face fucked until I beg for it to stop.  The machine seemed perfect for it.  It took some time for me to get the settings right, but I ended up sucking cock for about 3 minutes until I was gagging.  I went somewhat deep, and it was fast enough to make my cheeks suck in and out as it fucked my face.  I had lots of drool dropping onto my chest so it was wonderfully humiliating.  I have a 7 minute video of setting up and trying it out.  Here is a short 45 second clip.  You can see me strain to get it out of my mouth as I gag at the very end of the clip.   You can choose full screen on a PC to make it larger.

After practicing my blow job skills I had to try anal.  Since I was locked in chastity, my goal was to cum from anal stimulation alone.  I got pretty close but I failed, however that didn't stop me from wearing myself out.  I have about 30 minutes of video of me using the machine.  A lot of it was me trying different positions and putting the dildo back in if I got over zealous and it fell out.  All in all I would say I got a pretty good ass pounding for about 15-18 minutes.  Here is a short clip.  

The biggest down side to the above videos is that I wasn't tied down and that I had control over the machine.  Whether in my mouth or my ass, I would love to not have control over it  I wish we used it more, but it definitely takes some time to set up and use properly.  I can also see attaching a masturbation sleeve to the machine to use the unique patterns for a long tease and denial session.  There is one other recurring fantasy I have about the machine.  It is to be tied on the floor while Mistress would be on all 4 fours with her pussy above my face.  The machine would be fucking her from behind.  Mistress is a major squirter so I would be below her getting soaked. 

So while I may mention the machine a lot in this blog, it's actual use is less.  

Reflection on the week

Since Monday morning I am back in slave mode.  I am collared, dressed in feminine wear, following instructions and tasks and trying to be more of service.  Here are some thoughts so far.

On Monday Mistress and I went out to happy hour with one of her friends.  I am currently not drinking so I just had water.  Mistress and her friend proceeded to drink and gossip.  I felt something at the time, but it didn't really click until last night.  I was essentially her chauffeur.  I have fantasized about Mistress making me dress up and taking a group of women out on the town.  I wouldn't join them, I would just be there to drive them around and get them home safely.  I also fantasize about Mistress controlling my food and drink when we go out.  Now she didn't say I couldn't drink, but it was easy for my mind to make the leap.  Over the next month of me not drinking I can see Mistress making me feel more like her servant when we do out than an equal partner.  Hot!

I am having to dive deeper into my feminine closet.  It scares me yet excites me.  I am trying to be safe and deniable with what I wear, but Mistress has added a challenge of not allowing me to wear the same thing in the same week.  In my opinion that leaves it a little too safe for me.  I will wear my 7 safest outfits each week.  Instead, I imagine having to wear every item at least once prior to being able to start over on my wardrobe.  Once I wear it, it goes into a hamper until I've worn everything.  That would mean I would be in some pretty skimpy/slutty dresses for a few days.  The thought makes me shudder.  I also think of being required to wear additional items like bras, breast forms, wigs, and high heels.  That would be the right kind of mean.

Also, I wore three different feminine items under my male clothes while at work this week.  A pair of control top pantyhose, a pair of heavy duty pink leggings and a body shaper.  All of them kept my cock squished down and made me feel very constricted.  Mistress said "it's good for you".  I can't agree more.

Lastly, I feel that I have failed a couple times this week.  The requirement is that I have to be dressed femme within 30 minutes of coming home.  I failed twice.  Once on Wednesday when I got home from work, and yesterday after we ran a morning errand.  In both cases I continued to be dressed in my male clothes for well over an hour.  To make matters worse, yesterday I had items to put on about 20 feet away from me.  I believe the failure occurred due to me wanting to maintain that last little bit of control as well as me fighting some internal insecurities.  Even this morning I had to overcome this problem.  We have some company coming over this morning.  I intended to wear my male clothes until they left.  Instead I sucked it up and put on some pink yoga pants and a feminine sweatshirt.  I will change clothes 10 minutes before they get here, but I will be wearing feminine items under my male clothes.  Regardless I feel there should be consequences for failing.  I really, really want to do as I'm told 100% and need to be held accountable to make this work.

  

Collars, Control and Orgasms

I've worn a collar on and off for the last 6 years.  It's very deniable and looks good, but it really shows when I wear a t-shirt.  People ask about it but no one really gets what it symbolizes.  The one I wear is this one https://wyredslave.com/product/ouroboros-collar-5mm-14-stainless-steel/  Sometimes when I wear it for long periods of time, it seems routine.  Also, Mistress never really comments on it, so I end up with doubts and negative self-talk about wearing the collar.  The result is that I will take it off for long periods of time.  Mistress may notice, but I don't really know as she doesn't mention it.  The other day Mistress told me I needed to be wearing my collar at all times except when bathing.  I keep my body shaved, so being able to remove the collar at will is a nice option.  The problem is it also allows me to remove it when I get insecure.  Since I want to delve deeper into this lifestyle I used the "key" that came with the collar to lock it on.  I then took that key, and taped it into an envelope and sealed it shut.  I gave the envelope to Mistress for her to write on it in her handwriting so that we have a tamper proof way for me to have access to the key if she wishes.  Since it is now locked on, the collar feels different.  The only way it is coming off now is for us to have a discussion.  I like that.

What this also made me realize is that for the last 6 years I have had control over when I wore the collar.  It;s a tiny bit of control, but I hadn't fully relinquished it.  That has made me realize that I tend to do that much more than I realized.  Whether it's wearing feminine items, maintaining my nail polish, doing tasks, following rules, cleaning up my cum with my tongue, I still manage to have some control over the situation.  That makes it hard to truly submit.  So now I will be looking for ways to give up that last bit of control I desperately cling to.  I think a large part of my past disobedience in the past can be tied to me fighting giving up that last tiny bit of control.  I really look forward to giving it up and seeing where that takes us.  As they say, you aren't truly submitting until you are doing things you don't want to do, just to please your Domme.

Lastly, it has been almost a month since I have cum.  The last week has certainly seen my libido increase by leaps and bounds.  Last night while trying to get to sleep I realized that my orgasms are unnecessary.  Sure, I like them, but I have learned to enjoy the lack of them even more.  The chemicals that build up in my system from not cumming.  The constant yearning.  The more deep and dark my fantasies become.  These are all more important to me than having an orgasm.  I think of TV shows and movies where the bad guys give their prisoner or hostage drugs to make them confess or to make them more controllable.  In my case, the drugs are all natural, but they certainly make me easier to control and more agreeable to what Mistress wants.  An orgasm is the only thing that seems to screw that up.  Now while I want to give up a majority of my orgasms, I don't want to give them all up.  You have to know what you are missing to really miss it.  That also doesn't mean I don't want to give up having my cock inside Mistress as much as possible.  In fact I have been reading about ways to train myself to not cum, while giving Mistress as many orgasms as possible, with my cock,  It just involves training myself to slow down and push though the need to cum.  Apparently guys can have an orgasm (or multiple) without ejaculating and the inevitable drop that occurs.  This woman talks about having her husband trained to give her dozens of orgasms with his cock and him not cumming at all for months.  http://flr101.blogspot.com/2016/07/introduction-female-led-relationship-wife-led-marriage-flr-wlm.html

To me that would be the holy grail.

Moving forward again

Over the last couple of days I worked on a BDSM checklist to give to Mistress.  It has been a good 5 years since I have done one and I was interested in how it would come out.  The checklist was very detailed and made me consider many things I wouldn't think of on my own necessarily.  I was especially candid and I surprised myself with how many things I would actually consider doing.  Since doing that checklist my mind has been filled with so many scenarios that my mind is a hot mess.  Last night I had trouble falling asleep and this morning I awoke early and couldn't go back to sleep because I cannot shut off my submissive brain.  My libido is in overdrive.

To add to it, Mistress has started coming up with some rules/protocols for me to follow.  Many I should have already been doing.  I am excited to see what else she comes up with, and a little concerned what else will be added to the list.  That being said, I expect some challenges and to be pushed.  However at the end of the day I want Mistress to really get something out of this dynamic.  One thing I can't get out of my head is a post I read while researching the protocol topic.  The Master made a numbered list of rules for his female slave to follow.  He had her record the list of rules in her voice on her phone.  He would then tie her down for hours at a time while blindfolded and made her listen to the rules repeat over and over until she learned them by heart.  It took a few sessions, but eventually he could pick a number and she would be able to recite the rule word for word.  She had no excuses to not know the rules after that.

There is one thing that appears to be happening that I didn't expect.  Mistress appears to be making my wearing women's clothes at home a permanent situation.  Last month, when I wore women's clothes in the house for an entire week, I thought it was a one time thing.  This requirement has started back up and I don't get the feeling it's going to end any time soon.  Now I don't mind it, but it's definitely one of those "be careful what you wish for" moments.  It certainly hits me somewhere deep in my mind.  If this is the route we are going, I feel unprepared for it.  I need to bulk up my wardrobe, especially for winter.  Much of what I own in women's wear shows too much skin to be warm.  If I am going to do this, I want to do it right.  I need to start a list! Additionally, if I am to be dressing this way around the house for the rest of my life I could afford to purge many of my male items to make room for women's items.  In reality I only need a couple pairs of pajama bottoms for when we have company overnight.  Everything else can go to Goodwill.  Getting rid of most of my casual male clothes, talk about a mind fuck.

I am excited where this is headed.  I am looking forward to being Mistress' well trained slave that does her bidding without question.

  

Life gets in the way

It's been 3 weeks since my last orgasm.  I'd like to say it's due to some wild and kinky long term scene Mistress and I have been playing out.  In reality I have had some health issues come up that have precluded any real kink and has even taken my mind out of the kink space for some time.

Starting today that changes until I have to go back for additional treatment.  I can honestly say that I am feeling better than I have since early August.  The last few days my mind has going back to my happy place.  I have been fantasizing about Femdom related activities and have been slowly catching up on some blogs.  Today I find myself back in feminine wear whenever I am at home and in feminine wear under my male clothes when I go out.

Having a health scare has put some things into perspective.  Mistress and I are working on making our lives a little more simple.  Long term plans are to get out of the rat race and live somewhere cheap and relaxing.  I also hope to live with me more and more as a dedicated servant to my Mistress.  I've realized that this lifestyle suits us and I want to go deeper into my submission.  10 years from now I don't want to look back and wish I was a better slave.  I want to be that slave today and I want Mistress to totally get off on owning me and making me do whatever her heart desires.

As part of going deeper into submission, I have been fantasizing about rituals and routines.  Being dressed in feminine wear is a good start.  It's hard to maintain a tough guy attitude when I am in frilly clothes.  I am back to making Mistress coffee every morning.  I still imagine more D/s type protocols.  I'd rather Mistress find protocols that work for her but I still go back to kneeling and kissing her feet.  I found a quote about a woman's perspective on her slave kissing her feet, "she told me that at first this made her uncomfortable, then she thought it was "sweet," then she came to expect it!"  

To me a protocol is something to always keep my mind thinking submissively.  From kissing feet to opening card doors to kneeling when she snaps her fingers, any "forgetting" is dealt with until it becomes second nature.

Lastly, I'd like to thank Paltego at http://www.femdom-resource.com/ for mentioning this blog on his blog.  I have read his site for many years so getting mentioned was a nice surprise.  It also gave my blog a nice little readership bump.