Defiance

Being in a loving relationship is wonderful.  We rarely fight, are each other's best friends and everything is really good.  When things are wonderful, you want to treat each other really, really well.   And we do.  That's a problem in a D/s relationship when one person's idea of being treated well is most people's idea of being treated poorly.

Last Saturday, Mistress was pretty physically brutal with me.  He words were also tougher sounding than normal which was music to my ears.  All week she has been a bit more feisty around the house with me which has been great.  All week I have replayed not only the scene, but Mistress' comments over and over.  My bruises are fading and my libido is back through the roof, and I am yearning for some harshness.

All week I have been dreaming of being dressed feminine at night, when it's particularly more humiliating for me.  I imagined my ass being plugged while sitting on the couch.  I imagined being tied face down and beaten as well as face up and having my nipples and cock tortured.  I imagined Mistress sitting on the floor at Mistress' feet and giving her a foot massage.  I imagined her putting a tightly laced corset on me in the evenings just to make sitting difficult.  I imagined having to wear feminine items other than my nighty to bed at night.  I imagined being tide down to the spare bedroom bed all night with the smell of perfume all around me.  I imagined being tied to a chair all dressed up while we watch our evening programs.  I imagined lots of mean things happening.   

All of this has had me questioning on what would happen if I acted out or was defiant.  It's a common topic in D/s relationships where it's 'topping from the bottom' or being a 'brat' all with the intent of forcing a reaction. In my fantasy mind I would say 'no' to something or not do something, or be snarky and then Mistress would take me over her knee or tie me down and beat me, etc.  That would be hot.  In reality, I don't think it would work and it wouldn't be much fun for her.  She wants to be obeyed and respected and I want to obey and respect her.

As I was writing the above paragraph, I had an idea.  What if there were certain behaviors that were agreed upon that could I could do to signify a desire to be dealt with harshly?  Pretend defiance so to speak.  A playful way for me to be a brat in a way that is good for our overall relationship.  'Forgetting' to repaint my toenails.  Sticking my tongue out when asked to do something.  I would still do what was asked, but the tongue would be a signal.  Grabbing Mistress in a forceful manner.  These could all be signs that I am wanting to act out, but also wanting to respect what we have.

I want to be hurt and treated mean, in a loving way.  Talk about contradictory!

    

     

Escalation

This morning, I wasn't feeling the least bit submissive or horny.  I knew a quick spray of perfume would fix that.  And it did.  I went into the spare bedroom to pick out an outfit.  Something simple.  That didn't last long.  I went from thinking I would wear a dress and low wedges to wearing a bra, panties, skirt, blouse and my 5.5" white strappy pumps.

I went from 0-60 in just a few minutes.  As I put on the dress I wasn't feeling it.  I knew I had to do more.  I yearned to be more feminine.  To make things challenging.  I shuddered thinking about the marks the bra will leave on my, especially when I ride my bike later with my shirt off.  I made a conscious decision to make walking more difficult as these heels make me take short delicate steps compared to the shoes I have planned on wearing.

That's the beauty of the head space I am in.  I want to push a bit more.  Be a bit more uncomfortable.  regardless of what I am doing, there is likely a way to make it tougher.  Just thinking about it makes my head spin.

Today's Mood 

via GIPHY
 

Harsh treatment adds fuel to my fire.

I am very worked up again today.  I just realized that the reason I am so worked up is due to the way Mistress treated me on Saturday.  It's the fact that my toenails are painted according to her specifications and not mine.  It's because I still have bruises in the insides of my thighs.  It's because the perfume I am wearing now reminds me of a pair of panties on my face.  It's because my groin muscles hurt from being tied spread eagle so tight.  If I was a normal guy I would not want to repeat Saturday, but because I am not normal, I not only want to repeat it, I want to endure even more.

Last night I woke up a few times.  I was imagining bad treatment.  I imagined the cage being moved into the spare bedroom so Mistress has easier access to lock me up.  I imagined Mistress setting out my underwear for the day - every day.  The underwear just so happens to be the dirty ones she wore the previous day.  I imagined Mistress making me start eating cum again.  I imagined wearing the shocking dog collar on my balls.  I imagined Mistress taking me back to the thrift store to add to my wardrobe as I will be wearing fewer and fewer men's clothes.  I imagined Mistress waking me up before she got out of bed this morning to go make her coffee.  I imagined true nipple torture.  I imagined more and more anal intrusions.  I imagined Mistress making me walk on the treadmill in heels.  I imagined Mistress making me kneel on rice or putting rice on the bottom of the cage.  I imagined Mistress and I using one toy a day from our large collection of D/s items.  It would be nice to find some new things Mistress could use to torment me and make my life harder.

      

Smothered Fantasies

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Harsh Treatment - Yay!

Mistress and I recently had an anniversary.  Last night Mistress gave me a very memorable anniversary scene.

We came home after a couple drinks at a local bar.  We both had the right amount of buzz in us.  Mistress said she wanted to tie me up and I was more than happy to oblige.  Looking back through the blog, the last time I was tied up was March 28th.  I ran upstairs to take a shower and Mistress got out some champagne.  After my shower I got our bed ready for our adventure.  I pulled the restraints out from under the mattress, and put towels on the bed.  I pulled out all of the toys and laid them on the dresser.  I put on 2 ankle and 2 wrist restraints.  I put a large rubber band around each thigh as well as a blindfold over my eyes.  I proceeded to tie 3 of my limbs so Mistress would only have to restrain one.

Mistress came upstairs.  She finished tying me up.  It was then that I realized I had forgotten to put my perfume on.  I mentioned it to Mistress and she grabbed a pair of panties out of my panty drawer.  She sprayed a bit on the pair of panties and then put them around my head and over my nose.  I was instantly in a trance.  I can't explain it, but that perfume does that to me.

Mistress also added extra rubber bands to my thighs before tying me back down.  I don't remember the exact order of events, as it is now a blur, but I was well used.  Before the scene was over Mistress had massaged my prostate with her fingers.  She had inserted a dildo in my ass (unfortunately she wasn't wearing it).  I had clothespins on my balls and my nipples (my favorite).  She managed to hit me in the balls more times than I can count all while stroking my cock with a well lubed hand and a Hitachi vibrator.  I have multiple bruises on my thighs of where the rubber bands inflicted their excruciating pain.

Mistress had me so worked up that I was running at the mouth with confessions of how badly I wanted to be treated.  Everything ended with Mistress making me cum against my wishes.  Even though I came hard it was also a ruined orgasm.  She stopped or slowed down a bit when I started cumming so I lost that complete drain that can happen and then she kept stroking me to where I was laughing hysterically.  I was spent.  Or so I thought.  I woke up early this morning completely on 10 again.  I wanted to wake Mistress up and have sex but also want her to sleep.  My mind is racing with thoughts and I can't stop it.  Here are some of the thoughts I had while being tortured and some follow up thoughts.

• Feminization.  I begged for more and more feminization and I believe Mistress will enforce it.  Failure to either follow instructions or self feminize myself will be dealt with harshly.  I hope.
• This post https://missbossybitchsboy.blogspot.com/2017/08/enroute.html caused Mistress to comment on it last night.  I imagine coming home to an outfit by the door as soon as I enter the house.  Or a butt plug, chastity device, restraints, or certain notes.  I can't even enter the house without following the instructions first.  So hot!
• Harsher treatment.  Mistress was pretty mean last night with her actions as well as her comments.  I would like to be able to say I was scared or taken back by it, but I wasn't.  I am absolutely enthralled by it.  I begged to be treated as harshly as possible.  The thought of actually safe-wording or begging for less harsh treatment makes my cock hard.  If Mistress can get me to dread something in the D/s realm, she will have done something I didn't think could be accomplished.
• Scent training.  My perfume is working well.  I also begged Mistress to scent train me in other ways.  I imagine being restrained and having her socks or panties after she works out being put into my mouth and over my nose.  I can't explain why, but the idea turns me on so much.
• Order.  Being ordered to do things.  Being made to wake up to make Mistress her coffee.  Being made to change outfits throughout the day.  Being told to fetch items upstairs, not because Mistress is lazy, but to keep me obeying without question.
• The cage.  I get the feeling I will be experiencing the cage again soon.  Mistress seems to like it and I can't argue with its effectiveness, especially when combined with other items (straight jacket, heels, bondage, etc.)
• Chastity - More of it.
• Shocking collar.  I mentioned using it and Mistress seemed to agree in another context.  The thought makes me shudder.
• Challenges.  I am dreaming of Mistress making me do things with the sole intent of trying to get me to say 'no' and then punishing me for saying no.  

  In closing, Mistress has me so worked up with how she treated me last night and her comments make me hope for most of what she said to come true.  That would be heavenly.

On the road

I'm currently on the road for work.  Mistress made sure to keep me in check.  I have my toenails painted pink and I am in a nighty.  She also gave me permission to edge, but not cum.

Before I left home I downloaded some videos to a flash drive to play on my personal PC. I picked out a video figuring I would edge a bit before going to bed.  What I found was that the text on the video got me so wound up that I wanted to cheat and cum.  Instead I decided to divert my energy to a blog post and use it to keep me wanting to be a horny little slut that purposely denies my own orgasms.

Here are some screen captures of the video and the words that got me so wound up.

True...

She took a good long time to milk his prostate with a prostate toy.  This technique definitely works, you just have to be patient.  There is no joy in it from the submissive's perspective.  He is drained without even coming close to orgasm.

I clearly have the feminization trigger. 

Nothing like sucking on a big dildo. Check out those eyelashes.

I love the last sentence.  I so want to be degraded in a way that would make Mistress happy.

A high heel in the ass.

I think prostate milking is even worse since there is no pleasure.  At least with a ruined orgasm you get close to orgasm.

As soon as she gets a bit of cum to come out, she stops edging him and then twists and squeezes his balls draining them of cum.  The pain looks terrible, but effective.  He wishes he didn't leak.

Me wanting to cum so bad, but wanting to deny myself even more.  I love having my toenails painted.  I have to be very careful this time of year to not get caught.

Pro-Domme fantasy

There is a blog I read every chance I get.  It's Strict Julie Spanks!  I like it because she really seems to like to take control, she's very imaginative, and she really does push her husbands limits (more than I think I could take).

Her primer on how to properly beat a man turns me on and scares me as well http://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com/2013/03/beating-your-man-properly.html

She recently posted about a scene she did with a Pro-Domme and her husband.  I frequently fantasize about Mistress and I visiting one and this true story sounds like it would have been a blast.

http://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com/2017/07/punished-by-mistress-violet

One paragraph that makes my cock swell in its cage

Violet took command and ordered david to strip. He started removing his clothes. Of course I had him dressed in panties for the occasion, and Violet had a good laugh over that. These are them.

Can you just imagine my poor husband, stripped down to these panties in front of an attractive other woman? He was blushing at the fact that Violet saw him being panty trained like this by his wife.

I don't want to spoil the story with additional commentary.  It's just that this story had been rolling through my head for days.

Enroute

I have a new job and getting started is more stressful than I imagined.  I found myself thinking about work instead of sleeping.  I figured if I wasn't going to sleep, I could at least think about things other than work so I started letting my mind drift to more sexual topics.

The first topic is 'enroute'.  Mistress and I text each other when we are on our way home from just about anywhere.  While trying to go back to sleep I fantasized about what 'enroute' could be used for.
I imagined texting Mistress 'enroute' on my way home. Mistress would reply to meet her in the bedroom.  I would come home and go upstairs.  There I would find her in bed using the Hitachi on herself.  She woud tell me to strip and join her in bed.  Still locked in chastity I would use my fingers, mouth and the Hitachi to make her cum as may times as she wished.

I imagined Mistress out with friends.  She would text 'enroute' followed with instructions to have myself tied to the bed, blindfolded with white noise playing in my ears.  I wouldn't know when she walked in the room to torture me.

Lastly, the scariest 'enroute' text I can imagine.  Mistress texts me 'enroute', garage'.  This means she is close to home and I am dressed in women's clothes.  I am to go into the garage and stand in the middle of the garage and wait.  Mistress would open the garage and I would have to stay standing there until she got parked and out of the car, releasing me from my position.  In theory, I wouldn't be exposed, but not knowing what was on the other side of the garage door would be very scary for me.

Some other things I thought about.

Chastity.  I have spent nearly 20 years looking for the 'perfect chastity device'.  I realized there isn't one.  Instead it's a series of devices.  Much like we don't wear the same article of clothing day in and day out, it's the same with chastity.  I realize I could stay in 24/7 chastity just by changing devices every few days.  Going back and forth between my PA device and my ball trap device ensures that neither my balls nor my PA hole have long term issues.   The discomfort goes away as does the attitude that the discomfort creates.

Oral Sex.  Mistress is a huge fan of penetration.  For that reason I don't get to spend as much time between Mistress' legs as much as I would like to and as much as a chaste slave should.  I fantasized about spending a minimum of one hour (on a regular basis) going down on Mistress.  Not necessarily with the intention of making her cum, although that would be a plus.  It's more to worship her body and to remind me of my place. I like to think about it more in a tantric sense vs a sexual act.  Also, I think being locked up while servicing Mistress is one of the hottest things on the planet.  I imagine her drinking a glass of wine, on her phone, ignoring my efforts.  I would feel like such a slave.

        

       

Back and Forth

My libido is in such a state.  I have so many erotic chemicals running through my body that my mind is confused on what it wants.

As I write this, I want to cum so badly, but I also love this feeling so I don't want it to ever stop.

I am so tempted to reach up under my skirt and stroke my cock until cum my eyes roll back into my head and I have a mind blowing orgasm.  At the same time I am so happy I am locked up, so it's not even a choice.

I want to be out of chastity, but I love that Mistress is taking ownership of her property (and teasing my cock) and for that reason I want to stay locked.

I want to be dressed as feminine as possible for as many hours a day as possible.  Wearing masculine clothes in the evenings is an escape when I really don't want to be able to escape.  In the mornings it's easy to dress.  In the afternoon and evenings, it's a challenge and I love it when Mistress challenges me.

I want my ass to be filled with a huge fake cock or plug, but at the same time I don't.  

I want to be locked in the cage in the basement, but I know I would hate it, and I would love it.

These are all examples of the back and forth my mind is going through.  I love the way my brain works in these situations.  I love how helpless my endorphins and testosterone makes me.  I love thinking of all the nasty things I want to do, full well knowing I would be so ashamed if I did.

Some pics that speak to me.

 



       

Gotta Run, but have to post

I've got a very busy day ahead of me, but I have so many things running through my head that I have to post them real fast.

• My last orgasm was June 16th, so I have gone 7.5 weeks without one.  My all time record is 72 days.  Just typing that made my cock swell uncomfortably in my chastity cage.

• Yes, I am back in chastity.  Mistress started her period last week which means I have to be in chastity for at least the duration of it.

• Mistress unlocked me so that she could use my cock for her pleasure.  Her period is now over, but I am still locked.  She was going to give me a day out of chastity, but I am now at the point I convinced her that I should be locked back up immediately after sex.  There is something much hotter about being locked up after being used than just being used.  It seems more cruel.

• I have a new job which means I can't be dressed up as much during the day.  Mistress is aware of this and is working on other ideas to keep me feminized.  Obviously the days I am home I can be dressed, maybe the days I can't I have to be dressed at night.  Under clothes are always a good option.  Painted toenails are coming soon as well.

• I am so horny right now.  Mistress is at the gym.  If I weren't locked up, I am 90% sure I would be edging myself right now.  I wouldn't dare sneak an orgasm, but after so long without cumming accidents do happen.

Here is a perfect example of how I am feeling today.           

The Dress

All week I have been getting progressively more desperate, which is one of my goals with orgasm denial and D/s.  All week I have been upping my feminine dress.  Wearing bras, and my highest heels even though they are challenging to wear.  I have 2 dresses that most people would consider inappropriate for most women to wear in public let alone a middle aged man.  All week I have been wanting to wear one of them and have chickened out.  That ended this morning.  I had the perfect combination of horniness and testosterone so that when I sprayed perfume on my chest first thing, I was at the mercy of my libido.

I chose a peach form fitting dress with a cutout on the side, definitely the sluttier of the 2.

When Mistress came down the stairs and saw my I have a perfect rush of erotic humiliation.  I also really like the way the dress makes me feel.  It's squeezing me in a good way.  The height is perfect. I feel sexy in it.  I am also so horny I feel like outing myself a bit.  I need to get something out of the back of my car and the only way to do that is to open the garage.  I would never do it (during the day) but the temptation is there.  Or going out in the back yard just for the risk of being seen.  This combination of chemicals running through my body has me all worked up wanting me to push my boundaries.

This dress also makes me feel very slutty.  It's the kind of dress I imagine myself in, on my knees sucking on a huge cock.  Or being fucked like the slut I am.  A fake cock but a huge one nonetheless.  

This is one of those dresses that I feel I should be punished for wearing.  It's not appropriate and a 'girl' like me knows better.  

It's also one of the dresses I fantasize about Mistress making me wear when she ties me up so that she can cut it off of me.  

It's amazing to me how the right a dress can make me feel.  Actually, many items of clothing make me feel this way but with different fantasies.  Like they say, 'the clothes make the man' :-)

Getting Caught

I woke up this morning feeling incredibly horny.  The thoughts running through my head day-in and day-out are really starting to escalate.  I have to get out of the house early this morning and had contemplated skipping my feminine dress.  However, I am so under a spell right now that I couldn't resist putting on a skirt that is a little too tight, heels that are a little to high, and an unnecessary bra.

That brings me to one of the things I have been fantasizing about.  Getting caught and being penalized in some way.  I like the idea of Mistress searching for ways to catch me disobeying.  One example is doing a "panty check" at all times. The punishment could be severe or it could be something as simple as being forced to go put on panties.  Skipping perfume could be punished with a squirt of something undeniably feminine and over powering.  Not voluntarily going into chastity when Mistress announces her period would result in a punishment (some Mistresses make their slaves wear pads during this time.  Being punished for an outfit Mistress doesn't like.  When she notices that things she requires of me are being ignored or neglected, being called out on it, punished and the expectation put back in place puts butterflies in my stomach.

I fantasize that a lot of times I would be set up to fail, just for the purpose of punishing me.  Being given a task that she knows I will forget or not do and be dealt with appropriately.  I am fantasizing right now about pulling up my skirt, pulling down my panties and stroking my cock.  I imagine Mistress quietly coming down the stairs and catching me.  What would the punishment be?  How humiliated would I feel?  The thought of this is intoxicating.

         

Desperation

I am getting to that really good part of being denied for so long.  It's been 5.5 weeks since my last orgasm.  The yearning.  Turning every thought or situation into something sexual.  Becoming desperate to be treated harshly.  Mmmm.

Mistress used me the other day and didn't let me cum, not that I wanted to.  I love her using me solely for her enjoyment.  Going back and forth between my cock, my fingers and my mouth, giving Mistress multiple orgasms.  I keep edging myself in her pussy and really, really want to physically cum even though I mentally don't.  

Because Mistress is using me so well, I am in heaven.  My desires are more for me being used than for Mistress to do anything to me.  But I surely have my desires to have things done to me as well.

Recent fantasies are as follows.

Mistress has me dress up.  I could be feminine or in men's clothes.  She ties me down and then cuts my clothes off of me.  I have a fair amount of men's clothes that I don't wear, and some that I do wear that I am pretty sure Mistress would like to throw away.  I imagine her cutting those off of me before torturing me. As we like to say, "2 birds".  I also imagine having to get dressed up in my women's clothes.  She would pick out my outfit, one that she doesn't like or is "too slutty" and cut it off of me after I am tied down.  

 Another fantasy is Mistress using me orally several times a day.  Not just in our bedroom but on the sofa, at one of our desks, on the stairs.  Anywhere she wants to have an orgasm.

I have a couple more fantasies that I'll write about over the next few days.