Control

Yesterday morning Mistress and I were having early morning sex.  I was in my nighty while we were having sex.  It's pretty hot for me to be in my nighty when when we have sex.  It keeps my mind focused on pleasing her and reinforces my place in our relationship.  After Mistress had a couple orgasms Mistress ordered me to fuck her harder.  I thought this indicated that she was going to let me cum.  As I got close to the edge, I asked Mistress if I could cum.  I was on a perfect pace to fill her up with my cum when she said "no".  I had to stop moving my hips immediately.  She added that she didn't want to screw up her Sunday by having a difficult to deal with slave just because she let me have an orgasm.

Now she's getting it!

I have spent the better part of 6.5 years getting her to recognize the benefits of keeping me denied (Semen Retention).    At the same time she should be getting all the sex she wants from me as it keeps me engaged and helps me build stamina.  Also her pleasure should come first and second to my third.

It had only been a week since my last orgasm and the feeling was fresh in my mind.  All week I have really wanted another orgasm.  I was so ready to cum that I had considered just cumming and dealing with the consequences.  However my mind quickly went to the cage in the basement.  Even though I have only been locked in the cage a few times, it has an effect on my behavior.  I could imagine me spending at least a couple hours in the cage if not longer for an unauthorized orgasm.  I could also imagine other punishments for cumming after being told no.

At this point I realized that Mistress has the most control over me than she ever has.  I like that.  I dress feminine every week day and some weekends if we don't have anything going on.  I wear perfume that Mistress has chosen for me daily (no matter what I am wearing)  I wear my chastity device when told.  I have a collar locked around my neck 24/7 for months at a time unless it needs to come off for medical or security reasons.

While Mistress has more control over me than she ever has, I don't fear her.  I wish I did.  In a D/s context.  If I did, her control would be complete.

I frequently think of purposely disobeying Mistress so that I can be treated badly.  Even this morning I was tempted to edge myself and then confess to it.  I didn't, but I thought about it. I think about skipping my feminine dress one day to see if Mistress will punish me.  I sometimes get snarky, wishing that Mistress would call me out on it and truly punish me.

I fantasize of being punished to the point of truly begging it to stop.  When we play, Mistress will frequently ask me if I've had enough.  At some point I will say yes.  Not because I have hit a limit, but merely because I still have control at that point.  As I think about this am reminded of a quote from another Domme's blog.

So: A true submissive needs to feel they are helplessly under the control of a sadistic dominant. That they have zero power or influence. That is achieved by two things. 

(A) Punishments for infractions have to be truly feared by the sub. This is achieved by not stopping the punishment until the sub is and has been truly begging with all their heart for a few minutes for the punishment to stop. My lifestyle did not click into place until I started doing this 6 or 7 years ago. It is easy to judge when the begging has reached the truly heartfelt, and then you keep going for a while. You will not break or damage him. During the punishment, he will be begging and attempting to have you stop. After it, he will be in awe of you and want to worship you. Bind him so he cannot move, gag him and then apply the punishment. It may only need to be six HARD cane strokes, if he is begging with all his heart after the first. If he has marks on his butt for the rest of the day, he will love that. If the marks last 3 days, he will love it even more.

(B) The true submissive has to undergo things they really do not like. By this, it is reinforced that they have zero power or influence, that they are helplessly under the control of a sadistic dominant.  

All of this being said, we are heading down the right path.  Mistress is kind to me and treats me very well.  I love this.  However a part of me wants to truly fear her.  I want to be scared when I am tied up.  Truly not knowing what is going to happen to me.  I eventually want a true beating.

I want to beg to the point of tears. I want to be afraid that she will do things I don't want to have done to me.  I want her to be able to verbally tell me something and for her words to put fear into my heart.  This concept excites the hell out of me.  I want Mistress have absolute control of me.  

   

Ball Busting and Squeezing

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Dry spell is over

After 72 days I was finally allowed to orgasm.  I take that back, I was forced to orgasm.  On Sunday i did a bunch for chores around the house.  Mistress and I took a late lunch and had a couple margaritas before heading home.  When we got home Mistress told me that she was in a mood to tie me up.  I offered to get the room, bed, and myself ready.  I stripped the bed of all but a sheet.   I pulled the restraints that live under our mattress full time.  I set various implements out on the bed and the dresser.  I put on some music, stripped, put on some wrist and ankle restraints, and put a blindfold over my forehead so Mistress could take away my vision if she chose to.

Mistress was came into the room and proceeded to tighten the 4 corners of my restraints.  She then pulled down the blindfold.  Over the next 30 minutes or so, I was teased with her well lubricated hands and made to edge several times.  Mistress alternated my pleasure with pain by smacking me in the balls, snapping the rubber bands I had around my thighs, or using one of the other implements I had left out.

 I kept begging not to cum but Mistress had other plans.  She said "you know I am going to make you cum, right?" I knew that was likely.  She did tell me that she was going to feed my cum to me.  I  was afraid I would refuse and chicken out, so I asked her to put the spider gaga in my mouth so I couldn't change my mind about eating my cum.

Not Me

After the gag was in place and my mouth was held open, Mistress proceeded with taking my orgasm.  She put the tip of a vibrator just in the opening of my ass.  She put the Hitachi underneath my balls and she proceeded to stroke my cock with a well lubricated hand.  I had fully intended on fighting it, but Mistress was having none of it.  She kept what she was doing, I gave my full mind to try and keep from cumming, I failed.  I came.  It was much better than I expected.  Usually after long denial periods the orgasm isn't as strong.  As soon as Mistress turned off the vibrators, she started scooping up my cum with her fingers and forcing it into my mouth.  She only did 2 scoops, which I am guessing is a fraction of what came out of me.  She is much nicer that I am.  I would have put as much of it in my victims mouth as possible and made a long drawn out production out of it.  Afterward we cleaned up and went about our evening.            

I expected my orgasm to give me a lot more sub drop than I ended up with.  In fact I am ramped back up, fantasizing about all the terrible things I would like to do / have done to me.  I am dressed feminine again with a bra and my highest heels just to make it more challenging.  I would say my horniness is right back where it was.  I am yearning to be inside Mistress, working on pleasuring her while I focus on lasting without orgasm.  Of course having an orgasm inside her that I have to clean out with my tongue is a good option for a slave like me.

I am in heaven!

Thoughts on this week

Today is the 5th day in a row of chastity and a butt plug.  When I woke up this morning I had zero desire to plug myself or to dress feminine.  Still, I have freely and willingly given up my right to decide these things for myself.  I inserted the plug, put on my rose scented deodorant and misted my chest with my perfume.  By the time I made it to the spare bedroom with my feminine clothes I was back into my slutty head space.  I am truly astounded how fast my perfume affects my mind.  Because of that I decided to wear a blue bra (Mistress has no bra requirements so far) a low cut top that matches and peeks out of the top, lace boy short panties, a too short skirt and my Mary Jane platform shoes.  Now as I write this blog, any lack of desire I woke up with has been replaced with a potent cocktail of brain chemicals such as testosterone that had my head spinning.  Add to that, being in chastity, being plugged, being dressed and being on my 70th day without an orgasm and I am kind of a mess.

By 8 am this morning I will have worn a butt plug for a required 13 hours this week.  It's likely closer to 15 hours as I didn't remove it promptly each day.  That's easily a record.  I have never been plugged 5 days in a row let alone for so many hours in such a short period of time.  The plug has gotten progressively easier to put in.  It's still not easy as it's relatively large, but it's easier.  Sitting on it is much easier than walking with it in as it doesn't move as much. One pint of interest is that I wore it in the tub the other day to shave my body.  Sitting in the tub drove the plug in even deeper than my office chair does.  As I sit here I am thinking of Mistress making me wear the plug when we leave the house together so she can frequently comment on it.    

Chastity.  No matter what I say or think about it, it certainly raises my libido.  There is literally no way to ignore my cock.  Regardless of the type of device I wear, I am hyper focused on my inability to touch myself.  The interesting thing is that if I am not wearing a device I can pretty much ignore my cock.  That being said, yesterday Mistress check out a new gym and left for about 90 minutes.  Had I not been locked in chastity, there is no way I could have avoided touching and edging myself.  

Each morning, when I get dressed I can deal with it pretty easily as my libido and testosterone is high.  Looking down and seeing my heels (and today's bra making it appear that I have breasts) make me feel super horny.  As the day wears on, I have a harder time being dressed.  Being in an outfit, walking in my heels, my feet starting to hurt, erotically humiliated, this is where the submission comes in.  Mistress could certainly make me more self conscious if she chose to, but she doesn't.  That's both good and bad.  Accepting and encouraging me to be more feminine will allow her to keep pushing me.  At the same time, occasionally making comments about my attire or groping me, is a very powerful mind fuck.

My attitude.  I have been snappy a few times with Mistress.  She has told me to watch myself a few times.  The clear idea was that I was about to spend time in the cage.  Just the thought of it brings me back to my place in our relationship.  I dislike being in the cage, but I love it when she is strict with me.  

Although I have had some challenges this week, I would call it a success.  Mistress has added items to my task list.  The result is that I am in such a state of mind I don't want it to end.  I want to go deeper.  My mind is desiring more restrictive, challenging, feminine, humiliating, painful or disgusting things to happen to me.  I am kind of addicted to the chemical cocktail going through my brain.        

Coercion

NOTE: I have been writing this post over the last few days so it might jump around a bit...

coerce -[koh-urs]

verb (used with object), coerced, coercing.

1.  to compel by force, intimidation, or authority, especially without regard for individual desire or volition:

2.  to bring about through the use of force or other forms of compulsion:

3.  to dominate or control, especially by exploiting fear, anxiety, etc.:


My recent post on Mistress' fantasy of seeing me with a guy or transsexual got me thinking about how susceptible my submissive mind is.  While I have a long list of turn on's and things I like doing, I have a fairly short list of things of limits or things I just would rather not do.  Having to do things I would rather not do creates a dilemma for me.  I have to override my fight or flight response and just submissively submit.  This is where the real magic of D/s happens for me.  Having my limits pushed scares me but also excites the hell out of me.

I have been submissive for as long as I can remember.  I used to have a ton of limits, but as I have gotten older and more experienced, my limits have decreased considerably.  One thing that has helped me get through a lot of my limits is persistence of my dominant.  In my current relationship, Mistress has done a good job of sticking to a plan.  Also, using the dog cage in the basement has given her more control over me.

For example, me dressing in feminine attire.  In the past it was solely a sexual act for me.  If I was horny enough or it was part of a scene I was OK with dressing up.  Now I find myself being dressed nearly 24/7 at home and under my clothes when I go out.  There are many times that I would rather not dress, but being compelled to do so is what makes my submissive heart and mind so happy.  I have gone from masturbating while wearing an item of clothing, to dressing up and really caring about how I look.  I am very self aware of just how much control I have given up to Mistress and how much more I would love to give up.  In fact I am trying to think of requirements to add to my daily routine.

Chastity is the same way.  I really dislike being in chastity due to how uncomfortable it can be.  However with persistence and encouragement from my Mistress, I could see myself in chastity 24/7/365.  Plus the fact I can;t stop thinking about it, I am starting to believe wearing a device is more mental than physical.

So back to the topic of this post on coercion.  There are 2 limits I have that I think I could eventually get past.  Cross-dressing in public and some sort same sex sexual interaction.

The cross-dressing in public limit is the easier one for me as I can actually imagine it.  That being said, if I got all dressed up and we started heading for the door I think I would lose my cool and start being an asshole.  Mistress could threaten cage time but I would likely take that over public humiliation.

So as I fantasize about how this could be done I could see us enlisting a 3rd party such as a Pro-Domme as someone who is detached as well as supportive of the goal.  I imagine Mistress and I going to her dungeon (it would be better if I didn't know what was planned).  When we arrived I would be ordered to strip and I would be restrained.  Mistress would come up and place a shocking dog collar on my balls and lock it on.  She would then tell me it's set for the highest level and that I had better obey without question.  For good measure she hits the button and I scream in surprise and agony.

As I recover from the shock, I am released from my restraints and informed that I will be getting fully feminized and taken out to a bar.  Over the next hour I am dressed and made up.  They eventually show me a mirror and I don't even recognize myself.  Mistress then places the shocking remote in her purse and announces that we are heading out.

Due to the shocking device around my balls and the fact that I actually don't recognize myself I relent and we head to a bar.  When we arrive I get nervous, but Mistress shows me the remote and I press forward.  From here my fantasy gets fuzzy as I don't know what I want to happen or not.  However I do imagine some good mind fucks to occur.  Such as the Pro-Domme having pre-arranged for me to be hit on by guys or girls for that matter.  Me being made to dance or order drinks.  The humiliation would kill me.

That being said, that's a huge leap.  In reality I imagine I get dressed and we head out to try me walking in uncrowded places.  A parking lot at a strip mall or pumping gas at a gas station.  What isn't a leap is the shocking dog collar.  I would need something to push me through my fight or flight response.  Cage time wouldn't cut it.

                

As far as getting me to be with a man or transsexual in some way would require a pretty concerted effort.  I imagine Mistress being stricter with me regarding my dress.  Such as requiring a bra at all times or stockings and corsets much more frequently.  I imagine being tied to the bed or locked in the cage with transsexual porn playing for hours.  I imagine having audio hypnosis tracks pumped into my ears with headphones while my cock is teased for hours at a time.  She would keep edging me and make me tell her stories if I wanted any stimulation on my cock.  Mistress would make me find videos, pictures and stories of scenes she would want to recreate.  When we had sex Mistress would talk all about what she wanted me to do.  She would make me simulate oral and anal sex with very realistic fake cocks.  She would make me cum almost daily and consume every drop so I could get mentally used to the concept.  Eventually we would get to the point of me being tied down and a transsexual girl or a guy is brought into the room.  I would be teased until I was begging to have my cock sucked by this person.  I would be brought to orgasm with their mouth and this person would leave.  And like that, my first encounter would be over.

Just thinking about it disturbs me.  As I said earlier, I am not wired for this.  That's why I think conditioning would be a huge part of making it happen.  Hopefully Mistress would let us try this with a woman for my first threesome experience.  

While I can imagine getting a blowjob from someone of the same sex, I can't imagine giving one.  I barely like my own cock and cum after an orgasm, the thought of sucking a real cock does nothing for me other than make me a bit grossed out.

Like I've said before, I have few limits, but I have learned that it's fun to play in the soft/hard limit area.  Pushing boundaries is a huge part of a D/s lifestyle.  Hmmmmm.        

Terrible Orgasms

I have been getting in a deeper state of desire over the last couple days.  Being locked in chastity and having my ass plugged seems to be a perfect cocktail to get me hornier by the hour.  Last night, after Mistress and I got out of the hot tub, Mistress was showing off her pedicure.  I tentatively licked and sucked one of her toes.  She didn't stop me so I kept going.  Then I got a bit of encouragement.  I was in heaven.  I frequently fantasize about licking and sucking Mistress' as well as kissing her feet and shoes.  I really wish I could do it more often.

Last night as we were falling asleep, Mistress told me that I would be plugged for 3 hours today.  My plug went in at 5:58 this morning, so this particular task should be done by 9am.  This is the 3rd day in a row of being plugged.  It's possible this is a record, but I can't be sure.  By the time Mistress' period is over it certainly will be a record.  I have also noticed it's a bit easier to get the plug in.  I don't have to push in and out as much before I push it all the way in.

Plugging myself first thing in the morning, in addition to my perfume and the clothes I have to wear, I start my day feeling a desperate form of sluttiness and erotic humiliation.  The more Mistress requires of me, the more I want to experience.  Instead of pushing back, I want to go deeper.

After I wrote yesterdays post that touched on having my next orgasm be terrible in some way, I have been thinking about other ways to make it awful.  Not because I want an awful orgasm, I just want to have zero control over what happens to me.

I have been fantasizing about having to impale myself on Mistress' cock.  At some point she would make me cum and lick it all up.

After licking Mistress' toes last night, the idea of having to masturbate on her feet and lick them off sounds humiliating, especially if I had to wait for the cum to cool.  The 3rd picture looks like a ruined orgasm to boot.

Having to cum in chastity and stay locked up seems particularly cruel.  Even worse, saving it to consume later.

Being stimulated with painful electricity during and after an orgasm would be on my list of fears.

 Having a clothespin zipper looks very hot but would be so amazingly painful.  Maybe that's a good thing.

Having my balls punched or squeezed every time I got close to orgasm would likely make me cum, but would prevent an actual orgasm.  Probably the worse kind of ruined orgasm.

I have read of this scenario many times, so I was surprised how hard it was to find a picture.  The premise is that the slave doesn't deserve to cum with a person.  He has to have humiliating sex with a doll (male or female doll).  After orally performing on the doll for an extended period of time, he is told to orgasm.  Afterward he has to clean off the doll with his tongue.  The stories I recall had the Mistress taking pictures and video so that she could use them in further humiliations.  Or even worse, doing this with others in attendance.  Some good public humiliation.

As I read back through this post and look at the pictures, I am actually disturbed by some of the ideas I came up with.  Most would be a challenge for me and some would outright suck (no pun intended).  That being said, I know I would look back when my libido recovered and be extremely turned on.  I take a certain amount of pride of having to endure something that I don't want to endure.    

Locked, Plugged and Dressed

I sit at my desk this morning with my ass plugged and my cock locked in up in chastity.  Since it is now spring, I am wearing lace boy shorts, a white blouse, white skirt with a floral pattern and high 6" strappy pumps.  My head is spinning with desire.  If there was any way to stroke my cock right now I don;t think I could resist the temptation.

On Sunday Mistress informed me that I would be locked in chastity along with having to wear a butt plug for 2 hours every day of her period.  I can see this becoming a monthly ritual and I hate to admit that I like it.  Having scheduled torments for to endure are a pretty hot idea.  Mistress can tease me days in advance that she will be starting her period and that I will be locked up and plugged soon.  All that I am missing is something phallic in my mouth :-)

I half woke up about 30 minutes before I got out of bed, tossing and turning hoping to go back to sleep.  With my cock straining against my device, I had no real hope of falling back to sleep.  My mind was racing with naughty thoughts.  I imagined Mistress making me dress up and take a ride in her car.  I imagined being locked in the cage to remind me of my place.  I imagined Mistress making me walk in these heels on our treadmill.

It's not been 67 days since my last orgasm.  My mind has been filled with extreme ways of making my next orgasm as unenjoyable as possible.   I imagine being edged and edged over again until I am bucking at my hips. I imagine just being allowed to dribble until I am dry.

If that happened I technically still wouldn't have had an orgasm.  I imagine Mistress making me cum, but not stopping stimulation until no matter how much I begged.

Lastly I fantasized about her making me clean very single drop up in as humiliating and disgusting way as possible.  Licking every drop off her body, especially after it has cooled and I have come down from the height of pleasure.  

I am certain that eating my cum after such a long denial period will be the worst part of it all.  It will also be the part I play back in my mind over and over again.  Some of the worst things ever done to me are the best!