Being Forced

Last night when Miss Bossy and I were getting ready for bed, she told me she had intended for me to sleep in a nighty.  She knows I hadn't slept well, and she told me she wasn't going to make me wear one.  I don't recall saying anything back to her.  What I was saying to myself was this... "Should I tell her I want to wear one regardless of how well I have slept? Will she think I am being a pushy bottom if I ask her to do with me as SHE wishes?".  I chickened out and didn't say anything, plus I was somewhat relieved that I didn't have to wear one.  At the same time I wish she would have made me wear one.  The logical side of my brains would have wished she didn't, but the libido part of my brain would be doing back flips with excitement.  There would have been a small battle in my brain, but the libido wins 80% of the time.  I would have slept and been in constant knowledge of my place in our relationship.  I would have woken up with naughtier than usual thoughts in my mind.  I would have gotten out of bed slightly emasculated and humiliated in front of her.  That may sound bad, it it drills right through all of my mach bullshit straight to my heart.  While I hate not being able to sleep, there is so hot to have that reason be my Mistress.

That reminds me of a couple quotes I have seen over the years. "it's not submission if it's what the sub wants", or "it's not bondage until you want out".

There is something amazingly hot about doing something you don't want to do.  For example, Mistress and I will be apart this weekend.  She has instructed me to cum in a pair of panties tomorrow morning.  Now I have been doing teasing and denial for so long now, I actually dislike cumming on my own.  I love to be under her control when I cum and to not have a choice in the matter.  So tomorrow morning I will have to cum.  I will so not want to do it,  I will be cumming into a pair of panties, full well knowing those panties will be used in some future scene.  Is it something I want to do, no.  Does it make my head spin with desire knowing she is making me do something I don't want to, YES!  Do I want her to keep forcing me to do things I don't want to do?  YES!  Do I want her to push my boundaries, keep me on my toes, humiliate and hurt me, and not care what I think until after a few days after she has done it?  YES!

I have added a ton of pictures to my Tumblr account.  Apparently I am in quite the mood today.

Today I edged watching this video.  It's of a couple where the woman keeps hitting her man in the balls.  My Mistress loves this and I hate/like it.  I could totally see my Mistress doing this to me, but I have no clue how this guy takes it unrestrained and not gagged.

http://firesque.tumblr.com/post/39466982773/taoist4tease-color-amateur-cbt-12-minute-video

More Communication

It's been over 3 months since I have posted here.  I am going to start posting weekly what has been going through my mind the previous week.  This to make sure I am getting thoughts out of my mind as well as to ensure my Mistress knows my state of mind.  This is not intended to be me asking for things or to be a pushy bottom.

Over the last week and a half, I had edged several times.  The two things that ran through my mind the most while stroking was forced cum eating and forced feminization.  While in California, I was forced to cum even though I didn't want to.  It's really weird how years ago I used to masturbate and orgasm every chance I had, and now I don't do either unless instructed.  Even when instructed to masturbate, I don't want to cum by my own hand. I think I am addicted to being teased mercilessly.  Before my trip I had fantasies of Mistress packing my underwear for me.  Instead I chickened out and wore men's underwear. I had also fantasized about Mistress making me cum into a pair of panties while I was traveling and that I had to bring them home all crusted with cum.  Mistress would tell me she was saving them for later to gag me with.

Also over the last week, I have been fantasizing about wearing panties 100% of the time.  Mistress would make me show her my panties a couple times each day to reinforce the mindset.  Some days she would pick out the pair, or change it up by making me wear pantyhose or stockings or shaper underwear under my clothes.  If Mistress ever caught me in male underwear (including those to work out in) without permission, a very unpleasant punishment would be in order.  

I have also been fantasizing about pink toenails again.  But instead of removing toenail polish when we go to the mountains, I would have to swap out bright pink for flesh tone nail polish.  No one would ever notice, but it certainly would be a mind fuck for me.  I also think of being made to wear clear nail polish on my hands for the entire winter with no exceptions.  It would be the same mind fuck for me worrying someone would notice, but I could always say my nails are having issues.  Part of my nail fantasy lately is being forced to wear fake nails that are already painted.  Since for the time being I am rarely leaving the house, I imagine having to put on fake nails and keep them on for 2-3 days in a row.  Colored fingernails are somewhat easy to get used to, but long ones would change everything I do with my hands.

I have also been fantasizing about wearing nighties again.  Not every night as it seems to lose its effect, but whenever instructed to do so.  As I wrote that last line, I realize it's not my place to say when I would wear nighties.  If Mistress wants it to be every night, so be it.  It is my job however to tell her if something is losing its effect.  While I do like having no option when it comes to wearing things, I feel less insecure when Mistress is involved in the decision.

As much as I hate chastity, I have been thinking about being in chastity.  Again, it's not for me, it's because I think my Mistress likes me in chastity.  If she doesn't care one way or another, I am really OK not being in chastity.

I have also been fantasizing about being dressed femme more often.  While it's a turn on to be dressed at home during the day, I really like the mild humiliation that comes with being dressed in front of my Mistress.  There is something about it that makes me weak in the knees and knocks me down a peg.

Lastly, I have been fantasizing about being told to "be ready" when Mistress comes home from work.  Whether that means I am dressed up, tied myself to the bed in advance, prepared to give Mistress a massage, locking myself in the cage, or just being naked in bed ready to pleasure my Mistress.  Being told to "be ready when I get home" seems to just get my mind racing.

Now all of the above is my fantasy.  While I think it's important to communicate, this is actually secondary to me.  Primary to me is "what does Mistress want?”  I want to do things that make my Mistress want to dominate me.  I don't want my Mistress to dominate me because I want her to.  It's so much more fulfilling to me for her to be pleased, turned on, and excited at the thought of dominating me instead of me being dominated just because I want her to.  So even if all the above happened to me, it wouldn't be the same if my Mistress was doing it just to please me.  I would rather only do a small fraction of the above so long as Mistress was doing it in a way that turned her on.

So it's with this post that I tell Mistress I want to be or do whatever pleases you.  

Clarification on disobedience

Lately I have not been following some of the rules set forth by MBB.  The main one is the lack of dressing feminine while at home.  The reason for this is not that I don't want to do it, but without acknowledgement, and support of doing this I get very insecure.  I have internal battles about dressing and when I don't get the proverbial "pat on the head" I get self concious and feel stupid about doing it.  That's not to say I don't like being forced to dress.  I actually find the forced part of it to be pretty hot.  When I dress myself and do it without reminders or much comment, it feels like I am Domming myself and it doesn't feel forced or submissive.  It makes feels like I am a cross dresser or transvestite for myself and not a slave being forced to dress to please my Mistress.  It may not make a big difference to the outside, but in my brain the difference is huge.  I am writing this to express where my mind is and not to complain.  I really have nothing to complain about, but need to communicate what my male brain needs to consistently dress as my Mistress requires. 

I love you and love having you push my buttons.  I just need some afirmation as your slave.