It's been a while

Its been awhile since I last posted, but not because I haven't wanted to.  To the contrary, I have had lots of things going through my mind.  I have been thinking a lot about what I had with MBB prior to me flipping out.  It was the type of female led relationship with very strong D/s overtones that I had dreamed of.  Of course it wasn't 100% perfect, because no submissive male should get 100% of what he wants.  He should always be yearning.  So while I am happy I have been unable to unravel some of the things I had a hard time with mentally (chastity) I do miss a lot of the feelings of being "owned" that I had.  The term "be careful what you wish for" can go both ways.  You should be careful when you ask for too much, but also be careful when you ask for less.  You may just get it.

We have thunder in the mountains coming up soon.  It will be our first time together in the scene.  I am a little nervous, but very much looking forward to it.  I went to the site and was checking out the vendors.  One of them had a great deal on a "body bag".  I google body bag and found these sites. 
http://fox-bound.blogspot.com/2011/05/leather-bodybag.html?zx=aa32173dbb095077  http://mistressadira.net/2010/12/06/sleepsack-sessions-for-my-collared-slaves/ 
What an amazingly strict position to be in. 

I have also been thinking of MBB having me cum on Friday night.  Her thought being that by letting me cum, I wouldn't be too horny when we were apart Saturday night and that I would be a better behaved boy (at least that's my take on her intentions).  In reality, the more she controls my orgasms, the more I am in tune to her and our dynamic.  The more horny I am, the more I am into serving, obeying and doing whatever I can to keep the horniness going.  That horniness is what got me so hot and bothered that I bought so many feminine things last week.

Lastly, I have been thinking of all the more intense things we have done or that we have talked about.  Super restrictive bondage, painful positions, gags, cages or isolation, breath play, publishing photos, chastity (yeah I know), collars, electric shock (all sorts), feminization, not allowed to say "no", etc.  Just a jumble of dark fantasies.

I am happy to finally have it in my mind that I have everything I want with MBB.  I really think MBB and I can move on from my "ick" and we can have a deeper more meaningful relationship as well as a more D/s relationship.  I am very excited.

 

Thank you!

MBB, I wanted to thank you for giving us another chance.  I know it wasn't an easy decision. I also wanted to thank you for today's. It was busy but was able to work things in (my ass especially).

I have been having random naughty thoughts, nothing too dramatic, but wanted you to know.  I do like it when you use my cock and then have me roll off you and go to bed.  I feel nicely used.  I hate to say it but I also liked you slutting me up today.  It's curious how you haven't wanted me slutty, but you did today.  I like being slutty, but you have also taught me that classy is fun too.  Now I have to keep an eye out for slutty so I can be slutty when you want me to.

I love you and am happy I have had a realignment of my chakra!!!

In a mood today

Between not cumming since Monday and MBB ordering me to wear a plug today (3+ hours as I write this BTW), I am in such a mood.  I'm horny and fantasizing about some of the more naughty things I fantasize about.  There is something about having my ass filled or played with that just gets me going.  I am also in a mood to be controlled.  I think my recent "freedom" is starting to make me yearn for that feeling of having no say in what happens to me or what I am allowed do.  I wish the feeling were constant so we could live a 24/7 relationship, but it's not.

I was thinking maybe on our days assigned together that we are 24/7 and I have no say at all and must follow all rules, but then on my off days I can have the freedom I need.  Just a thought.  

All that being said, I love MBB very much and really do wish I were more consistent in my behavior.

Where are things?

MBB and I had an amazing weekend.  Especially considering how the last week or two haev gone.  Now we need to regroup and see where we need to be as a couple when it comes to D/s. I will always need it in my life in one way or another.  The problem for me is certain things may get me to freak out, and that's no fun for either one of us.  I am sure there are some things MBB needs and wants in a D/s relationship and there are things I need.  The problem for me is I could need/want something today, but not next month and vice versa.  I don't know how to get around that part of me.  I still think MBB finding a mentor that is in a D/s dynamic would help her greatly, but that's not necessarily easy to find.  I am confident we can figure things out as I am very happy with MBB and want to spend a very long time with her.

Changes

MBB posted yesterday that she is unsure about the dynamic going from 24/7 to something less than that.  There were certain things she had me doing on a daily basis.  Generally I had no real issue doing some of those things. I guess we still need to refine the details of what she has control over me on.  Here is her list of concerns and I will address each one.

• panties - if it pleases MBB I will wear nothing but panties.  I would even agree to a severe punishment if she catches me without them on.   At the same time I only want to wear them because it does something for her. 
• nighties - I will agree to wear nighties, but would prefer to be told to.  Just doing it without input isn't fulfilling.   
• the plug - Whenever MBB orders I will wear it for as long as says.
• the bikini bottoms while sunning?  Have been doing and will continue to do. 
• mobile me tracking - still debating.  Either trust me or don't. 
• the web cam - would consider so MBB can ensure I have followed an order.  Not just leaving it on.
• permission to go out - This is one that I don't want to change for now.
• the daily email of schedule?  I don't see a purpose to it, however I would consider doing it without a deadline.  if MBB wants to know what I am up to for the day, she can always ask and I will tell her.

There is also a lot of things MBB can do to get more of her needs met.  I have already agreed to her assigning me tasks at her whim.  She can also coerce me and get me to agree to do things while she has me tied up and vulnerable. 

After writing all of this I guess it came down to a few things that I didn't want to do any longer and it came out as I don't want 24/7.  I am thinking some 24/7 type dynamic is OK, but not sure how it would look.  Here are the things that weren't working for me.

1.  Chastity being "forced" upon me.  I could see a case for MBB telling me it would please her for me to be locked up for a certain amount of time.  I could than decide to please her or not.  But as far as a punishment, chastity is too demanding of my energy.  Especially when I am mad or upset.
2.  Blogging for the sake of blogging.  I will blog when I want and feel the need to blog.  I like blogging and communicating.  Having an arbitrary time to blog by along with having to blog when there is absolutely nothing to blog about was frustrating.  I should have communicated this, but didn't want to be pushy.  It built up and backfired on me.
3.  Asking for permission to go out.  That's too much like married life.  Looking back it was a silly idea of mine.  It's hot in fantasy, but not in real life even though I was always told 'ok".
4.  Tracking and web cam.  Most of the time I am ok with it, but sometimes I just want to know I am not being watched.  It's a little unnerving to think you can be watched at any time. 

So this post went one way then the other.  I guess I am ok with most things.  MBB and I need to work out some things.  I would prefer to be a little less 24/7 than we were, but a  little more than where my freak out took us.  I am a slave to D/s as MBB reminded me. 
 

Finally getting my libido back

After a few weeks of me not really caring about sexual things it's back.  Even though I cam just 2 nights ago I am very horny.  MBB asked me to wear a plug today.  To up the ante a little bit, I am wearing it with the harness that it came with.  The harness is lockable and from what I can tell, escape proof (without cutting the straps).  It also doesn't flex out as much as the plug by itself which means I am fuller than normal with it on.

Last night during my edging exercise I fantasized about being tied with my ass in the air.  MBB would then put a fucking machine behind me, lube up a dildo and turn it on.  I imagined her masturbating so I could see her all while taunting me about how she was going to have the machine fuck my ass until it started bleeding or I was crying.  She also added that she would keep it very well lubed so that tears should come before blood. 

Lastly, we negotiated changes to our 24/7 relationship.  It's no longer 24/7 as when we are apart it just wasn't working.  We haven't spoken about it but I still feel she should have control over me when we are together with the few exceptions that we already talked about.  I think she should feel comfortable ordering me to do things and wear things if I expect to be in her presence.

Funny how time changes things....
   

Some Feelings

I haven't been having any real D/s thoughts or feelings lately. That happens sometimes. I think that has frustrated MBB. Yesterday I posted late to my blog. I have been forcing myself to post the last week or so my "thoughts" although I have none. In return for posting late I got sentenced to two weeks in chastity. Then a third for saying OK instead of "yes MBB". I imagine my punishment would have been about the same if I hadn't posted at all.

So now I'm having D/s thoughts, just not good ones. Out D/s dynamic feels forced. And by that I mean I still consider myself MBB's sub, but I'm not feeling any D/s inba sexual way. Wing in chastity is making me feel resentful. I don't want to feel this way but I do. Throwing a week of chastity around like it's another 15 minutes of time out or another 20 pushups is frustrating. I'm already mentally chaste right now due to my lack of feelings so the device to me is like wearing a cast in both ankles even though only one is hurt.

If MBB wants to punish me I accept that however chastity is a 24/7 punishment for a less then 24/7 crime.

Today's post.

Not much to post here although MBB has probably found a way to motivate me a little. Apparenty my next orgasm won't be until June 12th. I imagine by then My brain will be running a little crazy with naughtiness. I can't wait!

Avoiding a Rut

MBB gave me a task to see how other D/s couples avoid a rut.  I don't think a rut is exclusive to us or to D/s couples.  Here are some of the things I found to do in relationships in general to avoid ruts.

Keep separate interests.  MBB and I started out doing a lot of things seperately.  She ran, spent time with her niece and went to happy hours with friends.  I rode my bike, spent time with my pets and went to a couple of bars.  We also spent time together, but we made ourselves a priority before each other.  I think it's natural to want to make your partner a priority, but I think we have both allowed ourselves be on the back burner.  I think still planning time apart makes us each more interesting when we do spend time together.  I am of the opinion that this is the thing that would probably do the most good for us as a couple.

At the same time, we had really good dates.  We used to go to a movie weekly.  We spent a lot of time just talking (although that was probably just more about us learning about each other).  Planning a date that doesn't involve TV needs to be a priority.  We also need to do new things like "stupid bowling".  By that I mean things that don;t sound too fun until you are doing them. 

I was able to find one article on ruts and D/s relationships.  Here is a link.  http://www.bdsmtrainingacademy.com/once-the-bdsm-honeymoon-is-over/

All of this being said, I think it's good of us to be at a level where we may feel that we are in a rut or going into on.  It means we get along, we enjoy spending time with each other and we are comfortable doing nothing together at times.

As far as what we can do in the next 7 days, I don't think we need to force it.  I think we should both think about something D/s that we want to try and see if that would work.