When I was writing yesterday's post about playing with chastity for 18 years, I came to a realization. For so many years I hated chastity unless it was 100% tied to a D/s scene. I would be into it if I thought I was going to get tied up or if there was some teasing involved, etc. Any time those things would drop off, or life would get in the way or even worse, I would would get in an argument with my Mistress, I would instantly hate chastity.
That has changed for me over the last few years. Now I accept this is who I am. Do I prefer to have chastity tied to something? Sure. Does it suck to be locked up and not have anything kinky going on in our lives? Absolutely. Being locked is now a part of me. Not because I like the device, but because I like what it symbolizes, my surrender to being fully controlled by my Mistress.
There is nothing hotter than to know that not only is my next orgasm fully dependent on Mistress, but so is any sensation my cock gets. Surrendering my cock and forgetting about what is in it for me is a true mind-fuck. Knowing that life can interrupt us and I will likely stay locked makes me feel so owned. I now see myself begging to stay locked, where just a few years ago, I would go out of my way to avoid being locked up. That is a real change.
I have also realized how far I have come regarding feminization. Every since I was 7 or 8, I had a thing for women's clothes. Not so much wearing them, but admiring them to a point of wanting to see how they felt. At around 10 or 12 years old my sister caught me trying on a pair of my mom's pantyhose. She yelled out loud what I was doing and my parents heard. I was made fun of. Not in a mean way, but in the way a family pokes fun at each other. I of course denied it and ever since then have been challenged by the shame that comes with having a fetish like this.
Through out my teenage years I would borrower an item from my mom's drawer or the drawer of a friends sister. I would wear whatever item it was, masturbate and shame would wash over me as soon as I came. I would return or throw away the item and swear to never do anything like that again.
When I started living by myself I was able to acquire a few items and would hide them in a drawer. I would use them occasionally and hide them away. At some point I would go a little more extreme and when I did, the shame would come back and then the purge.
I dated during these times and in my longer relationships, I would share this part of me. For the most part it was tolerated in the bedroom and with a sexual connotation. When any of those relationships would end, I would be horrified that my secret was out and I would purge the acquired feminine items yet again. I generally would only partake in this part of me 1-2 times a year on average.
In my first marriage my wife was more supportive of this part of me, but it was always used in a D/s way. I was treated in a slutty, trashy way. Heavy makeup, forced exhibitionism, and verbal humiliation were the primary drivers. I don't mean that in a negative way, it was fun. There is definitely something about that kind of play that gets a guy like me going.
That relationship ended and I half purged. Kink was used as an excuse by my ex to end the relationship. I knew I wasn't going to change, but I also wanted to separate myself from the kink that was being used to end my marriage. I put almost everything in storage.
That brings me to my current Mistress. Shortly after meeting Mistress we knew each other pretty well on a sexual level. I was too old to not be upfront about my proclivities, and confided in her most of my kinks. The feminization part of me took a bit longer to reveal to her, and when I did, her eyes kind of lit up. She had me get me feminine things out of storage. She made me try on every item and show her how I looked. She made me get rid of any of the items that were not flattering or classy enough for her. She wanted me to look good and to feel good about dressing up. That first year, Mistress really helped me accept that this is a part of me. We had some amazing scenes with me fully feminized and I no longer had the shame after an orgasm. So now that I accept and yearn to explore more and more of my feminine side, the idea of being treated like a whore adds an element of erotic humiliation.
Over the last few years, Mistress has helped me grow my wardrobe. I am now comfortable for the most part dressing up. I am not yet to a point where I would dress on my own on a daily basis without it being some sort of an order with consequences for disobeying. The societal taboo of being dressed as a woman is still strong in me after all of these years. I still need some sort of coercion.
In closing I am amazed at how much Mistress has helped me grow in my submission. It's all because she is the best woman I have ever known. She has helped me accept who I am. She has loved me and encouraged me through my insecurities about being a submissive guy with feminization fantasies. She has made things I would never consider (24/7 chastity, wearing perfume daily, shaving my armpits, etc.) a part of my daily life. There is no way I could ever go back, even if I wanted to. I am so in love with my Mistress.
That has changed for me over the last few years. Now I accept this is who I am. Do I prefer to have chastity tied to something? Sure. Does it suck to be locked up and not have anything kinky going on in our lives? Absolutely. Being locked is now a part of me. Not because I like the device, but because I like what it symbolizes, my surrender to being fully controlled by my Mistress.
There is nothing hotter than to know that not only is my next orgasm fully dependent on Mistress, but so is any sensation my cock gets. Surrendering my cock and forgetting about what is in it for me is a true mind-fuck. Knowing that life can interrupt us and I will likely stay locked makes me feel so owned. I now see myself begging to stay locked, where just a few years ago, I would go out of my way to avoid being locked up. That is a real change.
I have also realized how far I have come regarding feminization. Every since I was 7 or 8, I had a thing for women's clothes. Not so much wearing them, but admiring them to a point of wanting to see how they felt. At around 10 or 12 years old my sister caught me trying on a pair of my mom's pantyhose. She yelled out loud what I was doing and my parents heard. I was made fun of. Not in a mean way, but in the way a family pokes fun at each other. I of course denied it and ever since then have been challenged by the shame that comes with having a fetish like this.
Through out my teenage years I would borrower an item from my mom's drawer or the drawer of a friends sister. I would wear whatever item it was, masturbate and shame would wash over me as soon as I came. I would return or throw away the item and swear to never do anything like that again.
When I started living by myself I was able to acquire a few items and would hide them in a drawer. I would use them occasionally and hide them away. At some point I would go a little more extreme and when I did, the shame would come back and then the purge.
I dated during these times and in my longer relationships, I would share this part of me. For the most part it was tolerated in the bedroom and with a sexual connotation. When any of those relationships would end, I would be horrified that my secret was out and I would purge the acquired feminine items yet again. I generally would only partake in this part of me 1-2 times a year on average.
In my first marriage my wife was more supportive of this part of me, but it was always used in a D/s way. I was treated in a slutty, trashy way. Heavy makeup, forced exhibitionism, and verbal humiliation were the primary drivers. I don't mean that in a negative way, it was fun. There is definitely something about that kind of play that gets a guy like me going.
That relationship ended and I half purged. Kink was used as an excuse by my ex to end the relationship. I knew I wasn't going to change, but I also wanted to separate myself from the kink that was being used to end my marriage. I put almost everything in storage.
That brings me to my current Mistress. Shortly after meeting Mistress we knew each other pretty well on a sexual level. I was too old to not be upfront about my proclivities, and confided in her most of my kinks. The feminization part of me took a bit longer to reveal to her, and when I did, her eyes kind of lit up. She had me get me feminine things out of storage. She made me try on every item and show her how I looked. She made me get rid of any of the items that were not flattering or classy enough for her. She wanted me to look good and to feel good about dressing up. That first year, Mistress really helped me accept that this is a part of me. We had some amazing scenes with me fully feminized and I no longer had the shame after an orgasm. So now that I accept and yearn to explore more and more of my feminine side, the idea of being treated like a whore adds an element of erotic humiliation.
Over the last few years, Mistress has helped me grow my wardrobe. I am now comfortable for the most part dressing up. I am not yet to a point where I would dress on my own on a daily basis without it being some sort of an order with consequences for disobeying. The societal taboo of being dressed as a woman is still strong in me after all of these years. I still need some sort of coercion.
In closing I am amazed at how much Mistress has helped me grow in my submission. It's all because she is the best woman I have ever known. She has helped me accept who I am. She has loved me and encouraged me through my insecurities about being a submissive guy with feminization fantasies. She has made things I would never consider (24/7 chastity, wearing perfume daily, shaving my armpits, etc.) a part of my daily life. There is no way I could ever go back, even if I wanted to. I am so in love with my Mistress.
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