Getting back to 'normal'

It's been nearly a month since I wore anything feminine.  Last night at bedtime, Mistress made me go put on a nighty.  Apparently I needed a little push as I hadn't done it on my own.  She also told me I had to start wearing my perfume today as well as items under my work clothes.  I managed to sleep in my new chastity device last night, which woke me up with a few hardons.  When I woke up this morning, I put on my perfume.  It was powerful to say the least as I instantly decided to dress fully this morning even though it wasn't yet required.  Not only that, but I went all out.  I am in a black bra, black see through blouse, black skirt and my 6 inch black pumps with ankle straps.  The perfume goes straight to my brain and affects me in some very powerful way.  While I enjoyed the comfort of my male clothes I have to admit, I like the femininity as well as the challenge of wearing heels and other less comfortable clothes.  It fucks with my mind in all the right ways.

As we were falling asleep last night, Mistress teased my locked up cock and told me not to worry, we would be having normal sex again soon.  I asked what that meant and she told me we would be having sex that gave her orgasms, implying that I won't be cumming any time soon.  I really can't blame her.  When I cum I lose the desire and lust that makes me a slutty submissive.  I become a bit belligerent and harder to deal with.  By keeping me from having an orgasm she keeps me in the right frame of mind.  By us having frequent sex and making my focus about her pleasure, we both win.  It's been 46 days since my last orgasm of which 17 days were due to circumstances beyond our control.  In case anyone is feeling sorry for me, at this point last year I only had 2 orgasms.  I've already had 3 this year.

Mistress tweaked one of our protocols the other day.  In the past, I would get up and get her coffee prepared by getting the machine all set up so that all she had to do was hit the button when she got up.  I was able to keep working at my desk.  Now when she gets up, I have to prepare the coffee and serve it to her on the sofa.  Yesterday it was no big deal, but I just heard her get up.  I realized that I won't get to hide my feminine outfit behind my desk.  I will soon have to get up and work in the kitchen and serve her.  Just like a desperate feminized slut should be doing.

I like the extra protocol and am yearning for Mistress to clamp down on me and to make my life a bit more difficult.  To make sure I am doing all that is required of me and to hold me accountable, makes me feel owned and safe.

         

Back From A Hiatus

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Mindfuck

mindfuck - mind·fuck: noun
An experience that causes intense and usually disturbing emotion, such as shock, confusion, or fear.

Lately I have been thinking about the mental aspect of what we do.  While a lot of what we do is physical, the brain is where the real action happens.

I have been spending a lot of time recently thinking of all the ways the mind is affected by the activities we participate in.  I believe the definition above can be expanded.  It doesn't have to be "intense" as you can have different degrees of it.  It can also include embarrassment and humiliation.  Here are some of the things I consider to be mindfuck material.

• Dressing up in feminine clothes.  Even though I am getting somewhat used to it, having to pick out an outfit everyday and then wear it for hours at a time definitely messes with my mind.  Thinking about how society in general would react to what I am doing is where my mind spends most of the time thinking about it.  Being dressed in front of Mistress ramps up the mindfuck aspect.

• Wearing perfume.  This has had a much greater effect on me than I expected.  Many mornings I am barely in a mood to be feminine, and within seconds of putting on my perfume, my mind switches.  The smell hits something in my brain and I instantly want to be more feminine.

• Nail polish.  Seeing my toenails painted is just a constant reminder of my place.  Wearing clear polish on my nails is more of a mindfuck as I am afraid someone will notice.  I am also amazed that I can feel the polish.  So it's not only visual, I can feel it too.  I am very aware of my hands when I am talking to others. 

• Chastity.  Having my cock locked is certainly a mindfuck, but it doesn't meet the definition above.  There is no shock, confusion, fear or embarrassment.  I'm not sure what the definition would be in a word or two.  Not being able to access one of the most pleasurable parts on my body and to give that access to another person is a huge mindfuck.  Going about my day to day and having to endure with no end in sight is very much a mindfuck.

• The cage.  Being a grown man, reduced to being locked in a cage is unreal.  The helplessness and boredom are mentally draining. There is simply no denying that I have become a desperate slave to my Mistress.  I realize I am willing to do anything to feel under her control.

• Electricity.  Whether it's the shocking dog collar, the Tazapper, or the TENS unit, I am scared of electricity.  It is easily my biggest fear.  When I watch videos of people playing with cattle prods, I get nervously aroused.  The arousal is from the amount of control being lost, but the fear is very real due to the electricity part of it.  It triggers a fight or flight response in me.

• Public Play.  If electricity is my biggest fear, playing in public is my next biggest fear.  I used to be terrible.  When younger I would go with my ex to a sex shop to buy something D/s related.   I was pretty much in a fight or flight response the entire time.  I was always worried what someone would think of me.  Even going to fetish events, I am sooo out of my comfort zone.  Now to be fair, I spend a good deal of time fantasizing about being dressed in public.  THe thought of being forced to walk across a parking lot, going through a drive through or pumping gas while dressed as a woman is a huge turn on.  In reality I would be so freaked out I don't know how I would respond.  Yes, this is a huge mindfuck.

• Pain.  Taking pain in all of it's many forms is certainly a mindfuck.  Having a safeword and choosing not to use it is on form.  I still think of using my safeword and having it ignored for a period of time.

• Orgasm denial.  When Mistress uses me just for her pleasure has to be one of my favorte mind fucks.  My body and brain thinks I am going to get to cum, and when she tells me she is done with me and I haven't cum, my mind and body revolt a bit.  When Mistress has me tied down and edges me over and over I am overwhelmed with desire.  

• Ruined orgasms.  Even more effective with orgasm denial.  When I'm finally allowed to cum, but Mistress stops just when the ejaculation starts, but the orgasm never quite gets there.  It's maddening.  The plus side is I keep me from having post orgasm drop.

• Mistress talking about including others in our play.  I much prefer the thought of a woman, but when Mistress talks about including a man (with her or me), it truly messes with my mind.  

• Sensory deprivation.  Being blindfolded makes the other senses increase to compensate.  Add the fear factor of not knowing what is going on and you have a good minsfuck to work with.  Add some earphones with white noise and you have taken away another sense.  Being tied up and not only helpless, but blind to what will happen really raises the stakes.

• Cum eating.  It doesn't matter how it's done.  When I have to eat my own cum I really have to dig deep and overcome the disgust I feel for it.  It is a mindfuck every time Mistress makes me do it.  That being said, I constantly dream up ways to make it more disgusting for me.  I'm a bit sick in the head.

• Breath Play.  This is a true mindfuck even if you like it because the brain is directly affected by lack of oxygen.  If breath play is taken far enough, your natural instincts kick in and you will react whether you want to or not.  I like all forms of breath play, but I like a plastic bag over the head the most.  Dragging out the feeling over a longer period of time is so hot to me.  Having the fight or flight response kick in is a huge turn on.

• My favorite mindfuck?  Predicament bondage.  Having to decide between to different painful or difficult situations is pure and total mental abuse.  You have to decide your own fate.  Time is your enemy.  Here are just a few examples.

In closing, while I like the physical aspects of bondage, the real effect is what happens in my submissive little brain.