New Take On Chastity

I got my first chastity device for Christmas in 1999.  It was a CB-2000.  What a terrible device it was, but what an opening it was into this world.  A few years later I 'upgraded' to the CB-6000, which was marginally better.  A few years later I was fortunate enough to get a custom device from Steelwerx in Canada.  It's a piece of art and priced like a piece of fine art.  I got a Prince Albert Piercing to make the device more secure.  That was my most comfortable device for the longest time, but looking back it was far too large.  It's not the fault of the designer, it's what chastity devices were back in the 2005-2010 era.  After 20+ years of chastity, most chastity connoisseurs seem to agree that the smaller the device the better.  There is less room for things to adjust and get pinched.  Smaller devices are more secure.  With my piercing, I need a small device to keep my piercing from getting pulled on when bending over and my penis tries to pull back.

As I write this, I am back in chastity and I am wearing my most comfortable device.  It's a Chinese knockoff of the amazing design from Rigid Chastity. It has a hook that keeps my piercing secure so that I can’t pull out the back of the device. I wish it were about a half-inch shorter, but I don't want to go through the hassle and expense of another device.  Other than the common lock it's inescapable. It's been well over a month since I had an orgasm which is the longest I have gone in the last several years.

I am treating chastity differently for the first time in my life.  In the past I made it about me and if I was locked I demanded attentions to it. If Mistress wasn't actively involved in my lock up or in D/s I became resentful.  I am now taking this lockup period as a symbol of my servitude. As penance for my last 13 years of pushy bottom behavior.  In other words I deserve to be locked indefinitely.  Over the last several years I have snuck off into the bathroom to rub one out while Mistress slept or masturbated while in the shower. This is not conducive for a submissive who wants his Mistress to take on a more dominant role.  My orgasms are not mine to have on a whim.  They are up to Mistress to allow me to have them or not.  I am pretty good on the honor system but even then I fail 1%-2% of the time.  I get drunk and horny and wait until Mistress goes to bed so I can cum.  I wake up horny every single morning and occasionally it's too much for me and I will rub one out before Mistress wakes up.  Other times I feel "owed" and will cum in the shower without Mistress knowing.  While I am chaste 98% of the time on the honor system, I need 100% chastity to make sure I don't fail 2% of the time.  This time around I go out of my way to make sure my chastity is not a burden on Mistress.  I don't complain, I don't beg, I don't make it about me, I make it about servitude. In turn, she barely acknowledges my situation which makes it harder and hotter.  Sometimes I think she forgets that I am locked up as she is so nonchalant about it.  In the past, this would have really bothered me, but with the servitude and control I am yearning for.  If I wasn’t locked these past 11 days I would have snuck off at least once and had an unauthorized orgasm. The I would be less horny and start slacking in my duties. Chasity works!

Doing chores, locked up in chastity, Mistress ignoring my situation.  It's amazing how something that would have angered me in the past is now turning me on.  It's true what they say about changing your midset.  

I am learning to enjoy the fact that I am locked up solely for control and not for some kinky fantasy.  It is my intention to make my chastity as easy for Mistress to enforce as possible.  It's my hope that she gets aroused knowing that I am 100% chaste for as long as she chooses.  That being said I would love to cum in her terms. Whether it’s a full on orgasm with her, a ruined orgasm from her or a humiliating show she would make me put on, an occasional orgasm give a little bit of hope to keep me motivated.  I guess a tease, edge and denial would do the same thing. 

 

Progress better than expected

I’m a few days shy of 2 weeks in servant mode.  My 1st inclination is to feel that things aren’t going as well as I’d like l, which is true, but I must admit they are going far better than they could be going. In reality Mistress could have rejected my servitude outright. Here’s where we stand now. 

If I wake early enough I weigh myself, put on feminine deodorant and a small spray of perfume. Mistress shouldn’t have to smell my body odor and the scent goes straight to my brain as a submissive trigger.  I immediately do a quick 15 minute workout in whatever nighty I wore to bed to get the blood pumping. After that I set down and type a morning mantra for about 20 minutes. This weeks was “My only purpose is to serve and obey Mistress” 80 times with lines added for mistakes. I then check this blog for comments and then I take a bit of time to find motivation in servitude.

As soon as Mistress arises I start her coffee.  I prepare it the night before in case she gets up before me.  As she enjoys her coffee I make the bed  one day a week I must change the sheets and wash the dirty ones. Sheets used to be one of Mistress’s chores that she has happily placed on me.  I don’t like doing it, but for that reason I love that she is making me do it.  Last week and today I will be cleaning the shower and vanity.

Also in the morning I take the dog for a short walk and then feed him while Mistress is still lounging in her chair with her coffee.  Having her sit while I toil pushes all of my submissive buttons.  A normal guy would be resentful.  I worship this kind of behavior.

A short time later we go on a long walk together with the dog for our morning exercise.  Upon our return Mistress had me prepare her breakfast before I prepare mine. This too is new for us and I like it. While I’m cooking I look over at her on her phone playing games or scrolling Facebook ignoring me completely.  What a rush  

After breakfast I make sure all the dishes are done and then I go take a shower and shave my body.  

The rest of the day is work.  We both work from home so I can wait on her as needed. More often than not, Mistress makes lunch but I clean up. 

In the evenings one or both of us cooks dinner and I do the dishes.  I used to do the dishes when I wanted to but now I do them immediately after we eat to show my desire to keep serving in this capacity.  My fear is that if I wait too long to do a chore, Mistress will just do it herself which defeats the purpose.  My goal is to make me doing chores so much a part of our lives that when I drop the ball Mistress will call me out on it and hold me accountable.  

At bed time I go walk the dog one last time while Mistress gets ready for bed.  I brush my teeth and put on one of my nighties.  Mistress has reinstated the rule that I wear a nighty every night.  I don’t have to per se, but failure to do so indicates to her that my servitude is not sincere.  Sometimes it’s really hard to put on the nighty because the rest of our D/s life isn’t the way I want it.  I want to be told to do it.  This is why this reset is so important.  This is no longer exclusively how I want it.  Mistress’s needs and desires come before mine.

One new twist is that I got a little condescending with Mistress.  She told me to put on my chastity device which I did immediately.  I’ve now been locked since Tuesday and honestly hope to stay locked for a few months at a minimum.  If I wasn’t locked I would have seriously considered sneaking off and masturbating a couple of nights ago as well as this morning.  Being locked in chastity while being in non-sexual servitude mode is a real mind fuck.  Sleeping in chastity and a nighty definitely keeps my male ego in check.

I stared this post saying things aren’t going as well as I had hoped.  That’s true, but only because I tend to try to do too much too fast. I realize this now. We have started with a good foundation. Mistress is doing better than I expected with me doing chores while she lounges. She’s held me to a task a few times but not every time. I’m sure it’s hard to be extra bossy with your spouse when he’s pushed back for 13 years as I have. I have to prove myself. 

That being said I’m going to encourage Mistress to keep adding tasks to my daily routine. To put me to work when she sees me with free time as I spend far too much time on my phone. To slowly take away my freedoms. To punish me as necessary.  To take more control and to truly make me regret what I’ve requested.  I want her to feel empowered and turned on by making me do whatever she wishes. 

I can see a pushy bottom aspect to the previous paragraph which I why it’s purposely vague.  I want to be controlled but I can’t have a say in what that ultimately looks like.

Motivational Quotes

 The week has started slower than I had hoped.  When I made my last post, Mistress and I were on vacation.  We didn't really have an opportunity to put my devotion to servitude to the test.  Now that we are back, I am slightly embarrassed to just jump in and just start doing things.  Mistress has also cautioned me about moving too quickly so that is in the back of my mind.  As much as I want to do everything, I also need a little bit of a push to tell me it's OK to submit.  I also don't want to be a pushy bottom and want to make sure when I do submit, it doesn't come across this way.  Here is a quote that I was able to share with Mistress as to my mindset.  I'm paraphrasing.

"While it might seem like a small difference, it's a massive difference in the mind of a submissive.  Saying that the chores need to be done vs. 'you' need to do the chores, flips a switch in the submissive mind."

That being said, Mistress hasn't had to touch a dish or clean anything.  So far this week I have stripped the bed and cleaned the sheets and duvet cover.  I make Mistress's coffee every morning (I've been doing this for years).  I make the bed as soon as Mistress awakes and I have done all the dishes as they hit the sink.  Yesterday I spent 2 hours cleaning the bathroom from top to bottom until it shined.  For the most part, Mistress has sat comfortably in her chair reading and surfing the internet while I toil away.  

I imagine it's not necessarily easy for her.  For 13 years I have made it about me.  I have been in servitude mode before, but when she isn't acting or reacting in the way I would like her to I would get frustrated and stop.  This time I have to do it differently.  I have to serve with her in mind, not me.  She has to believe that this is for real and won't stop when it gets tough.  My goal is to do this so long and so well that it becomes her new normal.  Should I try to back off, she will recognize it and enforce this new normal.

Here is another quote that is so true.

"Getting what you want doesn't feel near as good as getting what I decide you deserve"

I have wanted to be treated a certain way for many years.  Does it feel good to get exactly what I want?  Absolutely.  What feels even better is to not get what I want because my Mistress has decided that for me.  Getting what I want makes me greedy.  Getting what Mistress decides, makes me horny.

If you have any motivational quotes or stories, please share them with me, even anonymously.  I'd greatly appreciate your help in pushing me through the tough times.  

Sorry Submissive Requests Reset

I was recently looking to reminisce about the good old days of our female led relationship by looking back through this blog . I read through many of the posts  over the last several years.  I’m appalled by what I read.  It’s terrible. This is not the blog of a submissive. This is a blog of a pushy bottom. A blog about how not to act. A blog of what not to do. A blog of me asking my Mistress to be a kink dispenser. I’m terribly disappointed in how I’ve handled myself over the last 13 years. Actually make that the last 26+ years. I was a more insecure and pushy bottom with my ex-wife. No wonder she left me. 

I finally realize how bad I’ve been and I want to rectify this. Trying to continue down this same path is not the answer. I must force my submissive side to focus on serving my Mistress and stop focusing on my wants, needs and desires. After 26 years it’s crystal clear, that we can no longer accommodate what I want.

Just like a computer or cell phone that doesn’t work the way it should, I need a hard reboot.   A very hard reboot. Here’s what I am asking Mistress to do make us whole again. This post is at her request.  She asked me to write it, so that later when I'm questioning why she is being so controlling, she can remind me that this is all my idea. If you see anything that is me being a pushy bottom in this post, please call me out in the comments.

First and foremost. I am doing this willingly. I can stop it at any time but I recognize that if I do stop it, Mistress will no longer dominate me in any way, shape or form. I’m am going “all in” so that I can experience true submission and not my unrealistic fantasy world. If she is going to dominate me it has to be her way or not at all. This is not a game. 

My goal is to serve Mistress in any way possible. To make her life easier and to free up time for her to do as she pleases. I want to protect her, respect her, obey her, and place her needs before mine.  I will only make decisions that are delegated to me such as coming up with where to eat and what to do. My ideas may be vetoed and I must come up with backup plans. 

Service: It is my duty and I’m excited to pamper her, provide foot massages, pedicures, sexual servitude, and any other “personal service” she allows me the privilege to provide. I will also support her personal health goals. 

I respectfully request Mistress to be in full and complete control of me. I will fully relinquish my beliefs about what is good for me.  Mistress knows what I deserve.  I request her direction to be cruel, firm and unrelenting to make up for decades of my selfish behavior.

I respectfully request Mistress to come up with a set of rules that I promise to live by. I request Mistress to shift any and all the household chores to me. I request that my substantial free time be taken away so that I am not on my phone wasting valuable time that can be used serving Mistress and doing chores.

I would like Mistress to treat me as an unpaid, full time employee of Mistress Inc. I must follow the employee handbook, dress code, rules, code of ethics etc.  Any and all ‘free time’ will be filled with activities that benefit Mistress or others, as she sees fit.  

Regarding chores and tasks. I affirm that chores are not meant to be easy, or comfortable. If Mistress wants something done outside and it’s miserably hot, that should be of no concern. If Mistress chooses to make a chore harder, humiliating in some way, or makes me repeat it, I recognize that it’s meant to increase her dominance and my submission. Some tasks may simply be a test to see if I’ll cave when asked to do something especially challenging.  

Failure to obey and/or failure to exceed expectations will be punished.  I have no say in what the punishment is or what it looks like. I promise to accept punishment without complaint. 

I wish for Mistress to control the following items if she chooses. My spending, the food I can have (type and quantity), alcohol consumption, weight loss program, exercise, clothing, orgasms, chastity, screen time, phone access/privacy, free time, sleep, privacy, speech, etc.

I do not want to be treated fairly. I know it doesn’t make sense to a non-submissive, but being treated cruelly and unfairly is like a powerful drug and I yearn to be addicted to this drug. My ultimate wish is for Mistress to become aroused by making me miserable and making me suffer. The more I suffer the more turned on she gets. 

I also ask to not be forgiven for the last 13 years. How I treated Mistress as a tool for my kinks was disrespectful and does not warrant any forgiveness. I request Mistress remember how she felt all the times I made it about me as she plans our future. 

Bondage, teasing, denial, spankings, toys, chastity, clothing, etc are highly arousing to me and can be easily used to manipulate and control me, however  I recognize these items may do nothing for Mistress.  For this reason, I have no expectation of having any of those kinks indulged. If Mistress chooses to not use any of the above items, I humbly request verbal taunting of my situation to keep me in sub-space. 

I acknowledge that I will come to regret large parts of this new normal.  Regret and despair are what I have earned and deserve for the many years my poor behavior.  I fully accept this as being a necessary part of our dynamic as well as penance for the past.  If I’m only doing what I want, I will fail again. I desire true unrelenting control to have internal submissive peace. Even more than that, I desire Mistress to have her ideal submissive husband. I’m going to do everything I can to make this happen.