Control

Last night Mistress and I had sex before bed.  Mistress was pinching my nipples delightfully hard while asking me if I had been a good boy.  I asked her to define good boy.  She said that I knew and pretended that I didn't and asked her to define it again.

Eventually it came out that I have been edging quite a bit and that I have also leaked.  Sometimes I have licked it up and other times I haven't.  She didn't like my answer and I joked, 'if only there was some way for me to keep from touching myself without permission'.  She hinted that when we get back from a short trip next week I will be going back into chastity and that she will be exerting more control over me.

This reminds me of something currently going on in our household.  We recently got a puppy and have hired a trainer.  The trainer is drilling into our head that we need to be alpha to the dog.  If not, you lose control and your dog rules over you.  I feel the same way about a relationship.  Even in "balanced" vanilla relationships, someone is in control.  Maybe not 100% of the time, but certainly over certain aspects of their relationship.  When both people try to be the one in control of a certain aspect of their life, conflict arises.  While I am submissive, I am also a male which sometimes tries to take control of things even if they are not mine to take control of.  When I do this, it creates conflict.

Now in dog training you don't punish the dog.  However as a submissive male, punishment can have a powerful effect.  D/s can be used for reward and punishment depending on the what Her/our goals are.  In the end, I deserve some sort of punishment for many of my behaviors over the last few months.  New rules, tasks and expectations would also benefit us greatly.  I want Mistress to be my Alpha for everything unless she assigns me to be Alpha for something specific.  Now that we have this puppy the dog kennel is his.  We will need to come up with a new way for Mistress to be able to lock me away as punishment.  I have many terrible ideas.  I do not deserve to have control of even myself.  

Now onto my last couple of days.  I have manged to edge myself upwards of 30-40 times with no leakage.  I have been so worked up I have been dominating myself a bit.  I have worn my chastity device a few hours a day.  I have worn a cock ring as well.  I have been wearing panties.  I painted my fingernails and toenails with a shade of nail polish one shade darker than clear.  I can't really see it, but I can feel it.  When I am working out I wear feminine clothes and practice a bit of self bondage during my rests, all while fantasizing about being subjected to far worse treatment.  I've also been fantasizing about wearing something feminine on my bike rides but haven't had the guts, yet.  

We have lots of chain and other hardware to make someone completely helpless.

Even though we had sex last night I was not allowed to cum.  It's been just over 6 weeks since my last orgasm.  Maybe that's why I am in such a desperate mood.