Reflection

This morning I woke up, fantasizing about getting a birthday beating. I started thinking about how much it’s going to hurt. I realize that if done the way I am begging for,  I’ll have bruises for a week, it will hurt to sit down for several days and it will take me past my limit.

I’ve also been fantasizing a great deal about Mistress getting stricter with me. Making sure I always have something feminine about me.  Punishing me for talking back,  being disrespectful or failing at tasks that need to be done. Pushing my submissive buttons to manipulate my behavior in a way that favors her.

Why do I want to be hurt?  Why do I want to wear uncomfortable panties and other clothes, or nighties that are difficult to sleep in?  Why do I year to suffer at the hands of my Mistress? 

I truly believe that I need to have control taken away from me. Being tied down and beaten harder than ever isn’t about being beaten.  While I am certainly sexualizing it, I know that the eroticism will quickly go away and I’ll have to deal with non-erotic pain. It’s deeper than a sexual fantasy, it’s psychologically driven. It’s about relinquishing all control to the woman I love with all of my heart.  It’s about me making myself vulnerable to her. Being tied down will force me to remain vulnerable while I try to stop the inevitable.  Being physically hurt will break down my domineering and controlling walls.  I need to be taken down a peg.  I need to be less in control. I’m not good at it. I need to serve my Wife and my Mistress. She’s my everything and me trying to be the boss or have things my way just doesn’t work very well.

Rarely do I give much thought to the why of my fantasies. For the last few weeks I’ve been fantasizing about the sexual aspects of this, but usually, that fades away. The fact I am still so focused on it has made me examine where this need is coming from.  I’m surprised by the results of my self-examination.  I want to serve.