Dark Side

The other day I told Mistress that although I had my fantasies, I want her to fulfill hers.  I want her to take me to the places she wants to take me even if they aren't on my kink list.  I want to see her enjoy her dark fantasies the way I like mine.  Even if they aren't on my list, I know I will enjoy what comes my way.  Since I had told her that, I just found a post that is supportive of such things.  Here it is.

Reconciling my dark side…

BDSM is not a road to travel down if you are afraid of introspection. There is a difference between a little slap and tickle, and realizing that the act of giving pain truly turns you on. While there are many levels of sadism, and I believe I read a post by bdsmgallery in which he described them, each of us has to face the fact that someone else’s pain, suffering, tears, bruises and utter submission has brought us the dark satisfaction that we seek. For me, it has been a bumpy road to acceptance.

Looking into the mirror and seeing a dark side that I had somehow managed to ignore or keep buried in a place that I did not know existed within myself, was extremely difficult. What is wrong with me? It is a question I have asked myself many times.  I know I am not the only one that questions themselves… I have read posts by both dominants and subs that struggle with accepting what each of us need. (I hope you don't mind if I reference you both… boston-jason , a dominant, and doasyouretold, a sub, have written beautiful posts about their personal journey of acceptance.)  The short answer is, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I did not have some crazy, abusive Father that made me hate men. I was not raised in a man hating household, nor do I detest men, on the contrary…. I adore them!  (The first assumption that people make of those of us involved in the BDSM lifestyle, is that we are either, misogynists or misandrists.)

The second hardest part of self-acceptance has been the need to hide that side of my self from most of my friends and family. Unfortunately, I am not alone, as I believe most of us have to hide that side of ourselves from the people that are in our everyday lives. Society has drilled us with what is acceptable, and not acceptable in our bedrooms for so long, that we are bombarded with judgement from the vanilla world. Television portrays us a bunch of twisted, sick fucks. (*eye roll*) Even our jobs can be jeopardized by what we choose to do in our bedrooms…. or dungeons! ;-)

For me, BDSM can be cathartic, and brings an inner peace.  I have my own style, and my own way. I find I enjoy the combination of pleasure and pain combined… I like to push my sub to the peak of my ability, my personal limits, and his limits. (Or theirs… when I am lucky enough to play with someone else!) The combination of pleasure and pain confuses the brain, sending an increased load of hormones through a subs body, pushing him into subspace deeply. I, in turn, hit top-space in utter euphoria. It is a rush… the adrenaline, the arousal, the pain, the power and control, all culminate into one hugely cathartic experience. It’s addictive. 

Without learning to accept myself and this side of me, there could have been dire consequences that I have witnessed or discussed with many subs and doms alike. That lack of acceptance leads to severe subdrop, or topdrop, shame, remorse, rejection of one’s desires, and ultimately depression.  I am still learning to embrace the inner sadist, and understand her to the best of my ability, and in time I will. Until then, enjoy the journey with me….

And a special thanks to thedarksiderulestoday for the many, many challenging conversations along the way! Your insight is treasured and valued beyond measure! Thank you for knowing when to submit…. and when to allow me to be simply a lady in need of a shoulder, or an ear.
Mistress Macie